Tony & Wendy's Travel Blog

Friday – supposedly very hot and sunny but have just had a monsoon like down pour. Rest of the day  is great.

Why does Wendy think I’d make a good Ozzie Muslim?

Off up to the Dandenongs National Park. Have our fresh fruit lunch in the park watching the birds. Amazed to see a kookaburra swoop down and pluck some food out of a women’s hand as she’s trying to eat it. 

Wendy chats with a big budgie!

Go on a few strolls. Would have gone on one of the longer hikes but someone, who shall remain nameless, had forgotten her walking boots.

Wanted to see the Lyre bird but alas no such luck. Apparently it’s very shy. Could this be our new objective now we’ve seen the Roadrunner.

Have a drive around some of the small villages – more tea shops than Talibans at a stoning. Try some coffee beans coated in chocolate – is this a new way to get a buzz. Amazing how popular tea is over here but choice of coffees is so very limited.

Interesting how tips does not seem to be an obsession in service industries over here.

Bloody hell – just looked over the fence into our neighbours garden and they’ve got a Jodrell bank sized sat dish pointing in our direction. Free sterilisation!

I think I’m going to put myself forward for the next Nobel Economics prize for my theory on Economic Evolution. It’s so very simple.

“If the product or service is crap or you don’t like it ask for a full or partial refund, no matter how small. Only when an organisation suffers financially, no matter how small or insignificant, will they ever evolve and improve. You’re doing them a great favour!”

Just watched the 2nd Presidential debate. What a pair of sycophants. What a joke. They never answer a question. Drift into their  own policy statements. They go round and round in circles. They contradict one another. Call one another liars. How can anyone objectively assess based on this. Americans must be sick to death of all this bullshit. Bad news is there’s yet one more bullshit session. West wing and US Politics course just hasn’t helped.

Politicians are the same the world over. 

The moderator should get a grip on them. Make them answer. Shut them up when they drift off. 

The Amazing Australian Love Test

Do you ever wonder who loves you?

Your wife? Your dog? You think they love you, but how do you know if they really do? How can you be sure?

There is a way to find out and have peace of mind! And it only takes one hour !

Simply open the boot of your car, put your dog and your wife in there, close the boot, grab a coupla beers and watch the footy on the telly for an hour or so. Then go back to the car, and open the boot.

Now, who is happy to see you?

(If it is summertime and hot weather you might feel sorry for the dog and place a bowl of water in the boot, if you do this be sure to also place a glass of water for the wife in there to keep the test results fair and reliable ) 

Went to my first Muslim birthday party last week.
The musical chairs was a bit slow, but bugger me, pass the parcel was quick!!!

Tuesday – warm and sunny to start. Rainy and Belthornish in Melbourne.

Early breakfast and off down to Melbourne. Take the coastal road, it’s a tad further but expect we’ll see some picturesque ports and towns on the way. 200K later (seems like the Ozzies abandoned miles, but at least they still drive on the correct side of the road) and all we’ve seen is rolling downs; farms and cows; more dead Wombats than there are bugs in BBC iplayer desktop software. On the plus side at least its not trees, trees and more trees.

Our home exchange in Wheelers Hill, Melbourne is lovely. Vey roomy and modern furniture. We’ve dropped lucky again. Best of all the wifi, 25 Meg, I’ll spell that in case you think it’s an all thumbs typo – twenty five meg. Looks like I was wrong 55Mbps.

This must be heaven. I think I’m staying in for the next three weeks and playing on the web.

We set off to the obligatory supermarket. I suppose we’ll need food to make the most of all that fast wifi.

I happen to bump into Dan Murphy – really cheap wine. Then it’s a coffee and newspaper for me whilst I let Wendy enjoy herself in Woolworths. Who says I’m not an enlightened husband.

Still no news on my iPhone and the rumoured 7″ iPad seems to have faded from the news – pity.

Got some time on the Steve Jobs biography and hopefully will have time between wifi to catch up on reading. No doubt the guy was a charismatic genius and eccentric, but a poor people manager. It would seem his charisma and eccentricity were his saving grace. Everyone really loves an eccentric, lifes too dam boring – bring back court jesters I say. I just love his attitude towards good design. I think we’re all plagued daily by crap design and a complete lack of common sense. Albeit poor HCIon web pages; Ford cars where the cup holders don’t work or bonnet releases that are counter intuitive; locks that are so complex that there’s no chance of a break on even if you have the key. Hey ho.

An article I’ve just been sent on Lemons extolls the virtues of eating the whole lemon – freeze it and grate it over food. Apparently the peel contains 10 times the goodness and vitamins of the juice.

Plus it’s a universal cure for cancer. Kept a secret apparently by all these pharmaceutical companies working on cures and keeping PHD’s off the streets. Sounds like I’ve been sold a lemon!

Meanwhile apparently some schools in Oz are experiencing 60% attendance. In the UK anything below 95% is serious OFSTED shit. But in Oz they’re incentivising with iPods and barbecue lunch. I think it’s just another example of Goldfish for jam jars – no bloody common sense. Just like giving driving lessons to joy riders. 

Well She’s had 90 minutes and must be still buying strong. The poor credit cards going to take another hammering.

Rain, what’s this, Blackburn weather. Mind you they say Melbourne has the advantage that you can get four seasons weather in one day.

Wednesday – warm and sunny.

Great news my iPhone 5 has arrived at home – can we get an earlier flight home?

Todays a lazy day around the house, planning our time here, relaxing and enjoying the place.

It seems that Oz is rated as the 2nd wealthiest country in the World, low debt, low unemployment. The economy seems to be in “rude health”. But in many other measures Oz is also world class; 2 million live in poverty; 12% of the countries children live in poverty; it ranks as one of the most unequal societies in wealth distribution; depression, obesity, drug and alcohol abuse; over 20% of 18+ year olds consider themselves lonely – good business opportunity for dating / be my friend agency. Despite the increasing wealth Ozzies are apparently no more happy. It begs the question whether Ozzies still work to live or are now on a treadmill living to work, spend and acquire more.

Photos are of our home exchange for the next 3 weeks.

By the time you’ve read these two you’ll understand yet another Ozzie slang word:

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Big W with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The door greeter says, “Good morning and welcome to Big W – nice children you’ve got there — are they twins?” The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: Of course they bloody aren’t! The oldest, he’s 9 and the younger one, she’s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins?….. Do you really think they look alike, ya dickhead?” “Absolutely not,” replies the greeter, “I just can’t believe anyone would want to root you twice!”

Bruce is at the doctor’s to get some broken glass removed from his foot from the last barbie he got pissed at. When he’s fixing up the bill at reception he remembers his missus had a test done earlier that week, so he asks for the results to save her a trip there. The receptionist looks at the computer screen and asks for her name. Sheila, Bruce replies.Receptionist; there’s two Sheilas in here mate, what test did she have done? Haven’t got a dam clue, Bruce says. Well, says the receptionist, one Sheila was tested for Alzheimers and the other was tested for HIV, and unfortunately both tested positive, so the news is bad either way. Jesus, says Bruce, what am I gonna do now?
The receptionist thinks for a brief moment and says; take her to a really big shopping centre and then leave her there. See if she finds her own way home. If she does find her way home, then don’t root her!!

I’m letting the religious fruitcakes have a couple of days off to regroup and come up with some more lunacy. 

Sunday – sunny but cool.

Leave our Sydney place today. It was very a great place, modern, everything you needed and all top quality. We’ll miss the greedy Lorikeets, lets hope they don’t starve.

Enjoyed Sydney and the Blue Mountains but the weather was disappointing. Likeall major cities it’s always good to escape.

One thing we certainly won’t miss is the traffic lights. Just bloody debilitating driving anywhere. It takes us nearly an hour to escape from greater Sydney.

Have a lovely drive down the coast to Batemans bays. Pass through Kangaroo valley which has some awesome scenery and a lovely little town for coffee.

Then call at the aptly named Pretty Bay. There are Kangaroos everywhere, some even begging out on peoples front lawns.

Batemans Bay is not as big or as touristy as expected. Have a pleasant shuffle around and afternoon tea.

In the evening we go out for traditional fish and chips. They’re served in newspaper. No Euro crap health and hygiene here. Mind you they don’t seem to have a law to stop the server scratching her fanny while taking your order. No crabs on the menu. Perhaps there’s crabs on the Map of Tasmania – Ozzie joke. Can be a tad off putting. 

Hope she washed her hands.

Monday – hot and sunny.

MacDonalds for a great breakfast MacMuffin -cholesterol special – and a healthy glass of orange juice.

Drive down to Marimbula. Pleasant little seaside town. Stop for a coffee and a wander around. Were thinking of staying the night but there’s not really that much there.

Call in at a picturesque National Trust village. But it’s blighted by being wheelie bin day – they’re the scourge the World over. Amazing really as I bet the planning restrictions on this place are tighter than a rats arse, yet the wheelies are every where.

Rayleigh Scattering is also the reason why the sky is blue and the sunset is orange. But then it got me to thinking is it responsible for smoke being blue? Well apparently smoke direct from the tobacco is blue! After inhaling in a humid body and exhaling, the size of particles gets bigger so Rayleigh-scattering never happens. The smoke is grey or brown.

Good to see that the backlash against the Taliban’s shooting of a 14 year old is gathering pace. The women of Pakistan are really kicking off about it. Perhaps there is hope for religion after all. Perhaps the Muslim religion should let the women rule the roost!

But then we have yet more publicity / demonstrations about that silly film:

A protest by 10,000 Muslims outside the offices of Google in London today is just the first in an orchestrated attempt to force the company to remove an anti-Islamic film from website YouTube in Britain.
Thousands had travelled from as far afield as Glasgow to take part in the demonstration, ahead of a planned million-strong march in Hyde Park in coming weeks.

Anger over ‘The Innocence of Muslims’, an American-produced film which insults the Prophet Mohammad and demeans Muslims, according to protesters, remains available to watch on the website YouTube, a subsidiary of Google.

Organiser Masoud Alam said: “Our next protest will be at the offices of Google and YouTube across the world. We are looking to ban this film.

Whilst I support their right to peaceful protest, please Mr Google “don’t remove the film”. It’s not really that good but protect our freedom of speech. If they don’t like it, don’t watch it.

Drive on to Lakes Entrance, a further 300k but at least we’ve broke the back of the journey and we should get to Melbourne tomorrow. It’s another seaside resort, nothing spectacular. By the time we arrive it’s over cast but it 28C so we manage a pleasant walk around and pick up my favourite Subway.

This drive down the coast is certainly a way to see Oz but we are getting a bit tree’d out. Problem is the countries so big that the distance between towns of interest is vast. If we were to stop in at all the little beaches I think we’d still be in the Suburbs of Sydney.

Well just to end on a cheery note and forget all these fanatics, here’s a guide to Ozzie Etiquette:

IN GENERAL
1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview. 
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It’s tacky to take an esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it’s time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you’re certain you’re included in the will, it’s rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don’t allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one’s OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn’t a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

DATING
1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook – especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago.”
3. Establish with her parents what time she’s expected back. Some will say 11:00 PM, others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it’s the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place)
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun’s loaded and the roo’s in your rifle sight.
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn’t always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it’s impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

Saturday – Cool but sunny.

We’re off up to Katoomba – no it’s not an African Village – the main tourist town in the Blue Mountains. Forecast is for sun but only 15C. For the first time since we left Belthorn I’m in long pants, complete with extra layers on top and my mountain jacket. I’ve always had a yearning to visit the Blue Mountains and an even bigger yearning to ski up there – alas there’s no ski resorts up there.

It’s only about 60 miles, but the Sydney suburbs are a nightmare, made even worse by more traffic lights than graffiti on a funny door. At each one you can die of old age. Worse than Tucson. Get some roundabouts! 

Try to park in Katoomba but it is not very tourist friendly, amazing when you consider it’s probably the biggest attraction in the Blue Mountains and the major source of income.

Yesterday it was snowing up here. People were marooned up here.

Encounter what can best be described as backpacker aborigines – can’t say Abos it’s just not PC. These were young and very, very pale white although dressed and painted like Aborigines – man’s got to earn a crust.

Drive out to Echo Point; pay their rip off parking fees; visit the tourist info marketing extravaganza; go with all the Orientals and photograph the 3 Sisters – see pictures. Have an exotic lunch in the park and then drive around the cliff edge. Find some stunning look outs with much better views, free parking and pleasant places to sit and have a picnic. Brings back home the age old adage “The best things in life are free”. Awesome views.

Meanwhile some useless information. Why are the Blue Mountains blue?

The mountains and valleys are smothered in a blue haze that is produced by an effect called Rayleigh Scattering – named after Lord Raleigh an English physicist. It’s explanation of the blue haze is that the suns rays fall on dust particles and moisture in the air and so produce the colour blue. Well that’s all well and good but why aren’t all mountains blue? Apparently in the Blue Mountains, the abundance of eucalyptus trees mean there are also droplets of oil, and this, apparently intensifies the effect. Hence the name, the Blue Mountains.

After visiting the many vantage points we set off back. Call in at the food court in the Mall to pick up something for dinner. 

Meanwhile, as promised, I’m doing my bit for free speech and to desensitise these religious savages, the fundamentalists, yes you know who you are. Meet Muhammad, he lives around our pool and on a sunny day comes out to bask in the sun. On a really hot day he’s even been known to have a swim. If my blog had an International following, instead of a measly 3 (still look on the positive side that’s a 50% growth up on last year), I suppose some fruitcakes would throw their toys out of the pram; start a riot; demand I’m stoned to death on the steps of Blackburn Town hall; issue a Fatawa thingy, that’ll send me into hiding for the rest of my days; hold violent demonstrations in Blackburn’s cultural quarter – that’s an oxymoron if ever there was one. 

But perhaps their is hope for religion after all:

Malala Yousufzai Shooting: Islamic Scholars Condemn Taliban Attack

Two days after a Taliban-orchestrated attack on teen activist, Malala Yousafzai, triggered an uproar in Pakistan, more than 50 Islamic Scholars from the ‘Sunni Ittehad Council’ condemned the incident as unacceptable.

Just like a two year old it would seem that our Lorikeets get more food on their face than in their mouth. 

Here’s an Ozzie Red Neck test.

There’s a bloody good chance you’re a redneck if;

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

3. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.

4. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

5. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

6. You think the Nutcracker is something you do off the high dive.

7. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

8. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

9. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don’t want it.

10. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

11. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

12. Your grandmother has “Ammo” on her Christmas list.

13. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

14. You’ve bathed with flea and tick soap.

15. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

16. You have used a rag for a gas cap.

17. Your house doesn’t have curtains but your truck does.

18. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

19. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made It.

20. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

21. You have a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say Mc Donalds on the side.

22. You’ve used your ironing board as a buffet table.

23. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.

24. Your neighbors think you’re a detective because a cop always brings you home.

25. You’ve used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

26. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

27. You have used one of the following pickup lines on a sheila;

Did you fart? cuz you just blew me away.

Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special.

My Love fer you is like diarrhea . I can’t hold it in.

Do you have a library card? cuz I’d like to sign you out

Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em.

If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel, I’d store my nuts in yer hole.

You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty’s only a light switch away.

I know I’m not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon..

Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.

Finally you’re probably wondering why there’s a photo of a car park. Well if you look carefully you’ll see little coloured lights over every parking bay. Green = vacant; red = occupied; blue = handicap slot free. There’s signs up directing you to how many free slots per row – really neat. Look down the row and you can easily see the free bays.

Thursday – grey and wet morning, only 16C.

Lazy morning.

After lunch the sun manages an appearance. We venture to the Mall. It’s Wendy’s treat. Fortunately there’s an Apple store so I get to go play and taunt the Apple staff while she marauds up and down the Mall.

Fortunately after 30 minutes shopping she’s had enough.

It’s getting ridiculous, two examples of religious insanity.

Gary Lineker has been forced to apologise after accidentally ridiculing two Muslim footballers during a match commentary on TV. When the players celebrated a goal by dropping to their knees and bowing their heads in the Islamic prayer position, Lineker said it looked as though they ate grass .

Last week, Technologia , a outdoor light projection shown at a contemporary art festival in Toulouse, was the victim, first, of a near-riot, as Muslim youth took to the streets to in ‘outrage’ against the work, and then, of censorship, when the city decided to remove it from the festival. Technologia projects images of Koran verses inside spoked circles. Stewards were present to explain the work to the public and prevent pedestrians from walking on it. However it was later shown without stewards present, and people were able to walk across the images. A group of young Muslims became irate, and a young woman was slapped in the face when she walked over the Arabic letters. Police appeared and an imam quietened the aggressive crowd. 

If they get upset then tough. Get over it. We need to desensitise these fruitcakes and instead of backing down, refraining or pandering to them we need to do more of it until they eventually learn to accept it. I’ll be doing my bit from now on.

More non PC from Oz.

WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN’S NIPPLES FOR?
It’s Braille for “suck here”.

WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
It’s the same as a French kiss, only “down under.”

WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
Because when they come, they’re wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.

WHY DO WOMEN RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
Because they don’t have any balls to scratch.

Friday – must be back home, it’s 12C, raining and blowing a gale – joy. Where’s me long johns?

Note to us, remember to bring warm clothes!

The Lorikeets are even snuggling up to one another to keep warm.

Well, as the weathers so bad it looks like we’ll be having a day in so not much to report. Never mind extra jokes and religious fruitcake stories. Pictures are just random ones from our travels.

We originally planned a trip to the Blue Mountains but as they’ve had 0.5″ snow we pass. Make the most of it catch up on some work and reading. 

At last really get the time to get into the good bits of the Steve Jobs Biography – what creative genius. 

Meanwhile everyone says Melbourne weather can be wet and changeable, yet Sydney actually has more rain.

Sharia in UK?

No jail time for child torturer at Blackburn Lancashire mosque.

The UK dhimmi court system in action: No jail time for child torture at Blackburn Lancashire mosque. This is sharia in the West.

This is Western law, a western court — the UK. A teacher at a mosque who abused, tortured and beat chidren gets a suspended sentence because child abuse is part and parcel of the sharia. Is it any wonder that these children grow up void of humanity?

Judge Robert Altham said Patel had an “outdated understanding of what discipline is”. So his actions are not inherently evil, just outmoded? He added that he was “sure that with formal training”, the 33-year-old would not offend again. So he’ll be given the chance to teach again?

More non PC.

Bruce came home late one night and Sheila says “Where in the hell have you been?” He replies, “I was out getting a tattoo.” “A tattoo?” she frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you get?” “I got a hundred dollar bill on my dick,” he said proudly. “What the hell were you thinking?” she said, shaking her head in disdain; “Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his dick?” “Well, for one; I like to watch my money grow, and two; once in a while I like to play with my money, three; I like how money feels in my hand and lastly; instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.

Bruce was dying. Sheila sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: “I have something I must confess before I die.”
“There’s no need to, ” she replied. “No,” he insisted, “I want to die in peace. I must tell you. I’ve rooted your sister, your best mate, her best mate, and your mother!”
“I know,” she replied, ” now just rest and let the poison do its work.”

Prison Versus Work 

IN PRISON……….you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell.
AT WORK…………you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON………you get three meals a day.
AT WORK………..you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON……….you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK…………you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON……….the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK…………you’re often required to carry a security card and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON……….you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK………..you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON………you get your own toilet.
AT WORK……….you share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.

IN PRISON……….they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK…………you’re not supposed to even speak to your family.

IN PRISON………all expenses are paid by the taxpayers.
AT WORK…………you pay all your expenses to get to work, and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON……….you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ………..you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON .you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK………..they’re called managers.

Monday – warmish, sun and cloud.

Parrots are on the balcony squawking for their breakfast. At home we get hoards of boring Starlings squabbling over their food, here it’s the same only they’re beautiful parrots. They have a special porridge like mix with water, but they prefer fruit juice. I think I’ll buy some mix for home and then we’ll get parrots!

Parents were talking about explaining the birds and the bees on Oz radio. One 6 year old rugrat came home and said to his Mum “My mate told me how you make babies. I can’t believe you’ve done that with Dad 4 times (he had 3 siblings), how revolting”. Mum replies “Don’t forget we have twins”. Rugrat says “OK so you did it twice and once for a long time! It’s still revolting”.

Have you ever noticed how all garages position their tills such that you need a pair of hiking boots to get to them. It’s never near the door, but where you have to pass loads of merchandise. A cynical person – which is not in my nature – might say this is yet another example of the marketing ?? exploiting the customers rather 
than treating them with respect and minimising the inconvenience.

Lazy day around the house and then a trip into the Mall, need a portable speaker (someone left our other one in a hotel). The Malls lovely, as Malls go, but to top it all I nearly have an orgasm when I see there’s an Apple store. Temptation!

Afternoon tea around the pool just watching all the birds in the Bush. This place is right on the edge of the Bush, another awesome place.

More non PC Ozzie jokes:

What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? About twenty to thirty kilos!

Why do women stop menstruating in their fifties? ‘Cos they need the blood for their varicose veins!

How do you know your wife’s dead? Sex is the same but the dishes pile up high in the kitchen!

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%.. – It’s called a Wedding Cake.

Why do women fake orgasms ? – Because they think men care.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? – Made her chain too long

Why do women have smaller feet than men? – It’s one of those ‘evolutionary things’ that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? – Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Saturday – hot and sunny to start but gets cloudy later on.

After a lavish breakfast of Toblerone croissant and cake we set off for the short dive down to Port Macquarie. Arrive before lunch, so find a hotel and then have a lovely walk around the harbour and of course into the town shops – joy there’s an arcade. Very pleasant place with a great skate board park for the kids.

As usual beaches are lovely and full of surfers.

Hotel’s very swish, complete with balcony and great views. Pity the weather is a bit cloudy.

Here we go again, more lunacy:

“Students from the University of Reading Atheist, Humanist, and Secularist Society (RAHS) were forced to leave the Freshers’ Fayre this week after they labelled a pineapple Mohammed and put it on their stall.

Staff from the Reading University Student Union (RUSU), as well as a number of Muslim students objected and asked the society to remove it, with a statement from the society stating that they were told Either the pineapple goes, or you do .

Tim Rouse of the Atheist, Humanist & Secularist Society, issued the following statement on Facebook:

Among the material displayed on our stall was a pineapple. We labelled this pineapple Mohammed , to encourage discussion about blasphemy, religion, and liberty, as well as to celebrate the fact that we live in a country in which free speech is protected, and where it is lawful to call a pineapple by whatever name one chooses”.

What is happening to free speech. The Dhimi’s are just giving it away. One day we’ll wake up and find it gone and we’re being stoned for some supposed blasphemy. I’m getting just sick of hearing the tantrums, violence, threats and savagery. Why don’t all these religious freaks – no matter what persuasion – just go and do religousy pleasant things. 

Anyway in the name of free speech, and as a feeble gesture against all this crap, I’m going to name at least one thing in my house Mohammed and just to show there’s no bias I’ll probably name some other inanimate object as other religious leaders. I know it will not change anything but hey ho, it’ll make me feel better! I must say the dustbin and doormat are strong contenders. Suggestions are welcomed.

Now for some Ozzie humour:

Bruce comes home from the pub and sees Sheila watching Gordon Ramsay’s F%*#ing cooking show on the telly.
Bruce says; “What are you watching that shit for? You can’t cook to save your life!.”
To which Sheila replies; “So what? You watch porn movies, don’t you?”

Sheila walked into the kitchen to find Bruce stalking around with a fly swatter.
“What are you doing?” She asked.
“Hunting Flies” He responded.
“Oh. Killing any?” She asked.
“Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. “How can you tell them apart?”
He responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.” 

Do the Terrorist Test here:

YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF…”
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon “unclean.”
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can’t think of anyone you HAVEN’T declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You’ve often uttered the phrase, “I love what you’ve done with your cave.”
10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
12. You have a crush on your neighbor’s goat.

Sunday – sunny, warm and very windy.

Lost an hour last night as clocks spring forward.

Pleasant breakfast with stunning views then have a walk around the headland to watch the early morning servers. Then it’s tea on the balcony whilst we read the papers – newspapers there’s a rare luxury. Watch the surfers and early morning exercise freaks from the balcony – this is plenty of exercise for me.

Here’s a test to weed out Muslim terrorists who would not be able to control themselves. It will probably be more effective than the millions the government spent on anti-terrorist measures and fridge magnets. If nothing else it will provide some pleasant eye candy entertainment – one hopes.

As we all know, the Taliban considers it a sin for a man to see a naked woman who is not his wife. So, this Saturday at 2:00 PM Eastern time all Australian women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighbourhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Taliban, demonstrate that they think it’s okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all Australian women.

And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment. The Australian Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity. God bless Australia!

Drive down to Sydney. Good dual carriageway most of the way. Takes about 4.5 hours to do the 250 miles.

Arrive at our VRBO Rental place. Very nice and comfortable complete with its own pool and barbecue area. It’s in the suburbs of Sydney but right out in the bush. Greeted by the owners and have a pleasant beer and chat around the pool.

Then it’s a trip to the supermarket to get stocked up for the week – joy. Driving around the suburbs is a nightmare. Dread to think what central Sydney must be like.

A few more Oz jokes, this time, its the men who take the abuse.

Men are like … Laxatives …They irritate the crap out of you.Men are like … Bananas … The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like … Vacations … They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like … Weather … Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like … Blenders … You need One, but you’re not quite sure why.
Men are like … Chocolate Bars … Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like … Coffee … The best ones are rich, warm, & can keep you up all night long.
Men are like … Commercials … You can’t believe a word they say.
Men are like … Department Stores … Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
Men are like … Government Bonds … They take soooooooo long to mature.
Men are like … Mascara … They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like … Popcorn … They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like … Lava Lamps … Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like … Parking Spots … All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
Men are like … Snowstorms … You never know when they’re coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last.

Finally what a classic:

What is the definition of a Wife? An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.

Meanwhile a victory for common sense and free speech in “the land of the free”:

WASHINGTON — A federal judge says the D.C. transit system must allow a pro-Israel ad that equates Muslim radicals with savages.

U.S. District Judge Rosemary Collyer said in a one-page opinion Friday that the advertisement must be displayed no later than 5 p.m. on Monday.

The American Freedom Defense Initiative sued last month for the right to display the ads in the Metro system. Metro officials had delayed putting up the ads because of the violent reaction in the Middle East to the video the “Innocence of Muslims,” which denigrated the prophet Muhammad.

Metro spokesman Dan Stessel says the system will comply with the order and the ads will go up this weekend.

Similar ads were expected to be added Monday along the New York City subway system.

 Don’t you just love this video, he’s nearly as good as Pat Condell:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sI-TNg4YH-Q&feature=related