Monthly Archives: November 2017

20171119 – Nature Parks; Goodbye Orlando; Christmas Light Parade


Sunday – hot and cloudy.

Our 4 bedroom VRBO home in Davenport – awesome.

As usual a lazy start to the day. Then as it’s forecast rain we decide to suffer the Outlet store shopping expedition for Kurt’s top today rather than later in the week.

Then Wendy notices her new toy is no longer showing the time when she raises her wrist. Check all the settings, but alas it’s still kaput. Oh well better pop down to the Mall and return it whilst we’re up here. 9 miles later we’re back at the Apple store. A very relaxed and laid back Apple guy tries, checks the settings and it still doesn’t work. He’s just about to replace the watch as faulty when he remembers Theatre Mode, which turns off the screen on wrist rise. Yes, sure enough Wendy must have caught the setting for this. Take it out of Theatre Mode and all is ok.

One of two lounges.

And the moral of that story is go check on the Internet before wasting time and petrol.

The evening’s spent with a few “Dark and Stormies” and more sex and nudity scenes from the Game of Thrones.

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Master bedroom.

Central Park A college student is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog . He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He saves the girl’s life, but the pit bull is killed in the process. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: “You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: “Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl” The man says: – “But I am not a New Yorker!” “Oh ,then it will say in newspapers in the morning: ‘Brave American saves life of little girl'” the policeman answers. “But I am not an American!” says the man. “Oh, what are you then? ” The man says: – “I am a Saudi !” The next day the newspapers says: “Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog.

Pool.

Three men want make a phone call from Hell to remind to their relatives about its harsh conditions Their Nationalities were American, Italian and Iraqi. So they decide to go to Devil who is the boss. So the American made a call and the Devil made him to pay 100 USD, then an Italian made a call and the Devil made him to pay 10 Euros on fact that Italy is less developed than that of USA. LASTLY an Iraqi made a call and the Devil made him to pay a cent. Both the American and Italian complain as it is not fair and the devil responded to them “The Iraqi call was a local call whereas your was an International call”

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I know we have problems with the existing clowns in office, but come on this is the guy who could be Prime Minister:

Kitchen.

WHERE DO I SIGN? Corbyn slammed during budget over ‘plan for interest free credit cards’

LABOUR leader Jeremy Corbyn is being mocked on social media after appearing to suggest during the budget debate there should be a “credit card cap” to prevent people paying back more than they borrow, which would mean INTEREST-FREE lending.

Mr Corbyn discussed the “credit card cap” as he laid into the Tories over the Universal Credit benefits system and slammed credit card firms for raising people’s borrowing limits.

He said Labour if in power would “bring in a cap on credit cards so no one pays back more than they borrow.”

I don’t believe it. Well sadly I do.


Monday – hot and sunny.

Wekiva springs.

Lazy morning as usual and then we drive up to Wekiva Springs for a picnic and walk.

I thought so, we’ve been here before, back in 2010. It’s all very picturesque and the water is tempting for a swim – 72F apparently – but I give it a miss. Don’t see any gators in there. After lunch we go for a walk but it’s so boring and lifeless we head back after a mile. At last the Circle B Bar is teaming with life.

For a bit of variety we avoid the toll road on the way back and spot the Oakland Nature Reserve. Looks interesting so perhaps we’ll save that for another day.
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If, as all these dhimi Muslim apologist claim, Jihad means inner struggle then how come the Quran (4:95) exempts the disabled and elderly from Jihad?

In Arabic “jihad” means struggle.  In Islam it means holy war.

What a site just before you’re about to eat your lunch. Enough to put you off food and sex for life.

The Quran specifically exempts the disabled and elderly from Jihad (4:95), which would make no sense if the word is being used within the context of spiritual struggle. It is also unclear why Muhammad and his Quran would use graphic language, such as killing, smiting fingers and heads from the hands and necks of unbelievers if he were speaking of character development.

Some examples, of the many, from the quran:

Remember thy Lord inspired the angels (with the message): “I am with you:
give firmness to the Believers: I will instill terror into the hearts of the Unbelievers:
smite ye above their necks and smite all their finger-tips off them.” [Q. 8:12]

Slay the polytheists wherever you find them, and take them, and confine them, and lie in ambush for them everywhere. But if they repent and perform the prayer and pay the zakat, then set them free. God is All-forgiving, All-compassionate. [Q. 9:5]

Ideal place for Wendy’s swimming lesson!

Fight those who do not believe in God nor in the Last Day, who do not forbid what God and His Apostle have made forbidden, and who do not practice the religion of truth, of those who have been given the Book, until they pay the jizya out of hand and have been humbled. [Q. 9:29]

I shall continue to fight the unbelievers until they say: “There is no god but God,” if they make this pronouncement they shall be secured in their blood and property, unless taken for its price, and their reward shall be given by God.

Fighting is prescribed for you, and ye dislike it. But it is possible that ye dislike a thing which is good for you, and that ye love a thing which is bad for you. But Allah knoweth, and ye know not

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Just say merry Christmas and it’s just tough if they’re offended:

Mind you how anyone can be offended by being wished something merry just beggers believe


Tuesday – cool and rainy.

One of two dining areas.

Lazy morning and it’s raining on and off. By 14:00 it seems to have stopped and we’re chomping at the bit to go somewhere.

I have a plan. We drive down to Celebration; order one of those awesome looking stromboli’s; go for a power walk around the lake – gets the Exercise level up on our watches; have a leisurely starbucks sat in the rocking chairs, watching the lake go by; pick up my Stromboli; and go home. What an exciting life we lead.

The Stromboli is massive, packed with meat, pepperoni and cheese, with a great crust. Awesome. It’s an alcohol free night. Watch Game Of Thrones, can you believe there’s a whole episode with no nudity and sex. What is the World coming to, perhaps it’s time to give it up. We’ll soldier on and said we’ll endure the first season before making a final decision. Have to say it’s very good overall and you soon manage to put the crappy dungeons and dragons aspect of it behind you.
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Wednesday – hot and sunny.

Ready for a spot of hanky panky.

Lazy morning then off to Oakland Nature Reserve for a walk and hoping to see some wildlife. This is a lovely free nature reserve, but sadly hurricane Irma has destroyed part of the boardwalk down to the lake so we can’t do that. Have lunch on the deck their in some lovely old rocking chairs, all very pleasant. Feel like the Clampits. Don’t really get to see much wildlife apart from a randy Gopher Tortoise whose head starts bobbing up and down in a horny courtship display. Then a female arrives on the scene and before you know it he’s trying to mount her – who says you need to watch Game Of Thrones for exciting sex scenes. Sadly the females got a headache and kicks sand in his face.

Because gopher tortoises share their burrows with more than 350 other species they are referred to as a keystone species. The presence of gopher tortoises indicates whether a habitat is suitable not only for tortoises but other species, as well. Some of the species known to share their burrows include the Florida mouse, burrowing owl, gopher frog, and eastern indigo snake. As the primary burrow-builder in its ecosystem, the gopher tortoise is very important to maintaining the structure, composition and populations within an ecological community. Similar to the role of a keystone in an arch, an ecosystem may experience a dramatic shift if a keystone species is removed. Conversely, an increase in the number of tortoises is evidence of sufficient food and shelter for reproduction, and when the tortoises are thriving, so are many other species.

Emu at Oakland Nature preserve.

We then call in at Lake Louisa State Park and have a leisurely stroll down to the lake. Alas very little wildlife apart from a Gopher Tortoise crossing the road.

Call in at Public’s for some Turkey for our Thanksgiving Dinner tomorrow. We’re not bothering going out for dinner as usual, all the Disney places are booked up and the Marriotts – who usually do a great buffet – are just too far away. Plus we’re getting tight in our old age and somewhat begrudge $150 on an all you can eat buffet that only encourages you to eat more than you need – bloody hell if we carry on like this we’ll end up as some tree hugging, liberal, PC, Bed Wetter.

In the evening it’s more Game Of Thrones. We’ve survived season 1 and really enjoyed it – the sex scenes certainly help, but the intrigue and plotting makes for a great story line – so will be watching the rest of it.
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Portable speed hump.

Twenty members of the Moderate Party in Sweden have proposed the government deploys the armed forces in some of the country’s most dangerous no-go zones to combat “gang violence”.

Sweden is being overtaken by Islamic no-go zones. Moderate Party politician Mikael Cederbratt declared:

“It is absolutely necessary to do something, because these gangs are like cancerous tumours in our country, and it is urgent. My absolute belief is that we, the nation of Sweden, must declare war on criminal gangs.

Jihad Watch reported in June that authorities in Sweden have also admitted that large areas in the country are under Islamic rule and that 150,000 women there undergo FGM.

Sweden is reportedly on the verge of civil war due to its migrant crisis. Its National Police Commissioner, Dan Eliasson, spoke on national television and pleaded for assistance back in June, when he warned that Swedish police (80 percent of which want to quit their jobs) no longer could keep order. He pleaded for help from the military and from any “good force” that could help. Eliasson exclaimed: “Help us, help us!”

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2nd lounge

Library books which urge women to be submissive to their husbands and never refuse sex are among a dossier of misogynistic material inspectors have found in Islamic schools.

Ofsted has compiled a file of the worst examples of discrimination and sexism its inspectors encountered. The material includes excerpts from library books and children’s marked work which sanction domestic violence.

Among the worst examples was a book discovered in a school library entitled, “Women who deserve to go to hell” which said that it was wrong for wives to show “ingratitude to their husband” or “have tall ambitions”.

Ofsted said the material it collected was out of step with mainstream Muslim thinking and came from maintained schools as well as independent faith schools and unregistered schools.

Sadly what they don’t seem to appreciate is that this is not out of step with muslim thinking – go read the quran.


Thursday – hot and sunny.

Our Thanksgiving dinner, complete with Pecan pie for afters.

Thanksgiving Day here in the USA. Just another excuse to stuff yourselves with turkey and pie. A day when people are supposed to reflect on what they are thankful for. The most common answers seems to “Living in the greatest country in the World”. You have to give it to them for confidence and patriotism. Unlike us Brits who openly talk our country down and it’s almost considered racist to fly the Union Jack.

Lazy morning and then we set off to the Polynesian resort resort for a walk around the Disney World lagoon. The walk from the Polynesian to the Floridian is reckoned to be very picturesque. We’re told it’s a 37 minutes walk – very precise. Turns out more like 12 minutes, but there again Americans don’t walk a lot. We then enquire about walking to the Magic Kingdom. Alas we’re told we’ll get eaten by fast racing gators. There’s a nice path most of the way but we’d probably have to swim across a gator infested canal.

One of the themed kids bedrooms.

Never mind it’s plan B. It’s time for my treat, mono-rail to transit centre, then round trip ride on mono-rail to Epcot. It’s the nerd in me just loves riding the mono-rail, I’ll be mono-rail spotting next. Then we walk to the Polynesian.

In the evening we have our turkey dinner and an expensive bottle of Lahor Merlot from Paso Robles – one of my favourites, yes all of $12, exceeds my $10 limit. Dam me no, Wendy likes this wine and has a glass. This is not conducive to marital harmony, have to get back to the cheaper wines, which she usually turns her nose up at.
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Letter from the PC Bed Wetters to local schools:

Dear Headmaster,

2nd dining room.

Thank you for proposing a variety of fairytales as the basis for this year’s Christmas play. We regret to say we have concerns with all of them.

Sleeping Beauty
As discussed, there are consent issues over a prince kissing a sleeping princess. Moreover, as she has slept for 100 years, there are concerns that this is not an age-appropriate relationship.

Snow White
Where to start? Nobody wants to push an alt-right narrative in a multi-ethnic school environment. Additionally, quite apart from the clear themes of paternalist ableism, this story has a pro-huntsman narrative that our vegan pupils would be justified in considering a microaggression.

Hansel and Gretel
Littering. Also, the pushing of witches into ovens alarms the mother of Tabitha (4B), who can see auras. We also have safety concerns about the notion of an edible gingerbread cottage, particularly since asbestos was discovered in the gym block.

2nd master bedroom.

Jack and the Beanstalk
Quite apart from the celebration of male violence and discriminatory tropes about tall people, this story could encourage unsafe tree climbing. Having penned an alternative version in which a girl called Jane befriends the normal-sized inhabitants of a low shrubbery, we look forward to hearing from you.

Peter Pan
Apart from the obvious danger of kids attempting to fly and going off with strangers there’s the discrimination against the disabled with hookism to say nothing of the exploitation of threatened gator species.

Yours faithfully,
The Parent Council

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In case you were wondering the wife beating rules according to Islam:


Friday – cool and raining on and off.

This is what Black Fridays all about.

Black Friday – in the land of the mighty dollar when muppets trample other muppets for cheap goods mere hours after supposedly being “Thankful” for what they already have.

We decide to have a lazy day hunkered down whilst we pack. Avoid the chaos out there.

Joy of joys, it appears that the Apple store in Tampa has some iPhone X for store pickup and it just so happens we’re driving past Tampa for tomorrow morning. As my Mother would have said “you were meant to have it” – I don’t think she ever realised she was a dedicated Stoic. Order it for a 08:30 pickup today, knowing full well it will be tomorrow, but “computer doesn’t allow that…”. Actually turns out that the store will keep it for 21 days – unbelievable. With the excitement will I be able to sleep tonight?
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Red shouldered hawk.

Q: What is the difference between a Protestant woman and a Muslim woman? A: Protestant woman get stoned before they commit adultery.

Q: What do you call a hot Muslim girl? A: G-hottie!

Q: Why do Muslim extremists pray with their asses up in the air? A: They want to make it easier for Western troops to kick!

Q: What do you get if you cross Islam and Capitalism? A: No more jokes about the profit.

Ramadan, putting the slim, back into Muslim.

My friend once went to a strip club in Abu Dhabi and got thrown out after saying: “Show us your face”.

I try not to tell religious jokes to Muslims any more: half of them are crazy, and the ones with Uzis simply don’t get the joke.

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5 Reasons You Should Be AFRAID Of The EU


Saturday – hot and sunny.

Christmas parade in Venice.

Up, car loaded and out by 09:15. Apple store Tampa bound. Oh the excitement. Yes and there it is my new toy. As I want to ensure it’s unlocked and works with my 3 SIM I let them set it up and being the professional nerd test to make sure I can call and connect with mobile roaming. Yeah, it all works as promised. Lash out on a new case because surprise, surprise the old case doesn’t fit – Wendy buys it me for my Birthday.

Then it’s onwards down to Venice, that’s the one in Florida, in case anyones confused. Don’t want anyone asking how long it took to drive all the way to Italy – yes I know it sounds far fetched but we have been asked these ridiculous question before, several times, by geography masterminds, sadly always Americans!

Christmas parade in Venice.

Our new home exchange for the next 12 days. The homes lovely, spacious and comfortable. So much more homely and personable than your average VRBO. Talking of which I have to say the VRBO we’ve just spent 3 weeks in was awesome. They’d thought of absolutely everything; fantastic manual; everything you needed was there, including cots, high chair and even pushchairs; good location; clean and immaculate; everything in good condition; great themed bedrooms for the kids; nice pool; even installed a smart DNS and ROKU box to give access to UK TV. A real home from home. I would highly recommend it to anyone. Worth every penny. I really struggled to find anything to say “I don’t believe it”. The best I could come up with is the WIFI password was tortuous.

Venice is mostly on an island. It looks a lovely quaint old retirement community. Almost makes Lytham look like a Kindergarten.

Christmas parade in Venice.

Meet our hosts Judith and Joe who have kindly stayed to greet us and show us around the house before they set off. Always nice to meet your hosts, it’s a luxury we rarely have as we do few simultaneous exchanges.

There’s a Christmas parade this evening so it’s a quick dash to the supermarket, weaving our way around cordoned off streets.

Then we walk down the street to watch the Christmas light parade, all 2 hours of it. Sensible people have bought their “Deer Valley concert chairs” with them. After an hour Wendy’s whimpering about standing for so long. After 2 hours we head for home, the parades nearly finished. It’s bit like “Trick or Treat” on steroids as the kids just sit there – no exercise to burn off those sweetie calories – and the sweets are just handed to them. Best of all is the old geezer sat in front of us. Chomping away on his swag bag of sweets. He accosts everyone handing out sweets with his swag bag, a plastic carrier bag already brimming with goodies, that he thrust into their face of for his fair share of the booty. Any minute now I think he’s going to push the kid aside in a race to grab the spoils that fall on the road, fortunately he resists the temptation. A child at heart and judging by his proud stand to attention, with hat off and hand over heart when the flag passes I guess he may be a veteran and deserves them all.

Christmas parade in Venice.

Then this plonker drops his brand new iPhone. I don’t believe it. I’ve never drop my sacred device before. Thankfully we bought the case this morning so it helps it survive – no damage.
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American parades are just great. They love them and wherever we go we seem to bump into one. Whatever happened to parades in England? Afraid we’ll offend someone.

The best thing about this parades is that most floats and everyone is saying “Merry Christmas”. A few floats still persist with liberal lefty, PC, bed wetter phrase “Happy Holidays” – they obviously didn’t get President Trumps memo repealing Obamas “Happy Holidays” – but the vast majority have taken Trumps admonishment and returned to good old “Merry Christmas”

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What Pat Condell knows about Islam:

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20171112 – Relax; Breathe; It’s Oh So Quiet

Sunday – hot and sunny.

Animal Kingdom

Lazy morning and then we’re off to Animal Kingdom. Our last Disney ticket day so we might as well try and see the Rivers Of Light parade.

Rivers of Light show.

First stop a relaxing coffee at Starbucks, one of the few places where you don’t need a FastPass. Today’s record in Animal Kingdom is 175 minutes to go on the only ride we really wanted to do – Pandora. To quote my hero “I don’t believe it”. What’s more I don’t believe anyone is stupid enough to queue that long for a 5 minute ride.

Have a pleasant dinner of macaroni cheese and pulled pork. Will have to add this to our regular menus back home – see recipes.

Rivers of light:


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American Dad – Francine’s song Saudi Arabia worst place in the world

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What comedian sent me this. I’d rather lick piss off a nettle than sponsor that futtocking arse-mungel. If he ever gets into power then it’s time to pack our bags and head for North Korea.

Monday – hot and sunny.

Rivers of Light show.

Lazy do nothing day. Time to breathe and relax by the pool. It’s oh so quiet now they’ve all gone home.
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Tuesday – hot and sunny.

Circle B Bar reserve.

We’re off to the circle B bar reserve. Can you believe it’s free. No Disney marketing; no Disney animatronics or 3D; no queues; no rip off; no parking rip off fee; no extortionate entrance fee; no crowds or screaming rug rats; no need for a fast pass or a 170 minute wait to see the best that nature has to offer. Just the bipedal lesser spotted, camera and binoculars toting sweaty bird watchers, swinging their long telephoto, phallic extensions around, like some rampant teenager. Nature in all its glory with birds galore, bald eagle, herons, snakes and alligators. What more can you wish for.

Then it’s over to Disney Celebration for a relaxing Starbucks by the lake. This place really is like something out of the stepford wives. Having a relaxing Starbucks by the lake watching them decorate the Christmas tree. Yes, we know it’s only November, perhaps someone will inform the greedy gnomes on the 96th floor of the Disney marketing tower.

Circle B Bar

It’s like a California beach on steroids full of fashion obsessed yuppies strutting their stuff like peacocks on heat; with mobiles glued to their ear just in case the President should ring them; drink in hand to keep them hydrated; and the sickly grin of a smarmy, politically correct liberal. I add to the ambience by shuffling around with my Starbucks cup in hand like a true yank.

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Some oh so politically incorrect muslim jokes:

Q: How do you tell a Sunni from a Shiite?
A: The Sunnis are the ones with the Shiite blown out of them.

Q: How does every Islamic joke start? A: By looking over your shoulder.

Q: What’s the difference between a Muslim and a vampire? A: At some point the vampire will stop being bloodthirsty.

Q: How does a Muslim close the door? A: Islams it.

Q: Did you hear about the winner of the Middle Eastern beauty contest? A: Me neither.

Q: What do you call a drunken Muslim? A: Mohammered.

Wednesday – hot and sunny.

Disney Celebration.

Lazy morning and then after lunch we’re off to Disney Springs, formerly Downtown Disney. Wow they’ve expanded it into a upmarket shopping area.

Another Starbucks moment down at Disney Springs while Wendy gets her retail therapy in the ginormous Disney store. Hopefully she can resist the picturesque Disney gift cards this time – subtle dig. Treat her to a new Tinkerbell necklace and ear rings for her birthday present. You can never have too many Tinkerbell necklaces.
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The Bobbit Worm just one of the many amazing creatures on Blue Planet 2.

Blue Planet 2 is amazing. If anyone doubts the science of evolution then watch this. Be amazed at the oh so many creatures with awesome evolved behaviour and tell me you still don’t believe in evolution.



Thursday – hot and sunny.

Wendy watching out.

Lazy morning trying to get synchronisation to work consistently using iCloud, Notes and iPhotos. I’m sure Apple’s caught the Microsoft virus of sloppy software.

Then we’re off down to the Boardwalk for lunch, well at least for Wendy. Try to book a meal for Thanksgiving no chance, you’d think they were “giving” it away. Have a pleasant stroll around and then set off for some excitement at the Florida Mall.

Yeah, Virgin Upper Class flight to New York booked. Park City here we come.

Wendy’s finally made her mind up about the Apple Watch, so I treat her to one in Rose Gold, for Christmas. She’s getting to be a real nerd these days.
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Friday – hot and sunny.

Kayaking in Winter Park. Alas no gators.

Off to Winter park for a 2 hour kayak trip. Wendy has a few hours to herself perusing the shops and having lunch with all the rich bitches. Ideal day for kayaking around the lakes and canals of Winter Park. Don’t get to see much wildlife though, apart from the lesser spotted spoilt rich bipeds bobbing in and out of their lake front mega mansions.

After kayaking we get to see this awesome hawk just hanging out in the car park. Then we have a stroll back into Winter Park for a relaxing Starbucks. Everything this week is so laid back and relaxing.

Awesome Red Shouldered Hawk in Winter Park.

Traffic on I4 is horrendous so we come back on a toll road. It’s just as bad. A one hour journey takes 2 hours. Quite interesting whiling away the time in a traffic jam with music; watching a women pluck her eyebrows; watch a hum dinger of a row, they’ll be in a divorce court tomorrow; and if all else fail, pick your nose.
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George Carlin on Americans:

Saturday – hot and sunny.

Wow just a lazy, relaxing, stay by the pool sort of day. You almost feel guilty for doing nothing but just enjoying the sun. Funny we never feel guilty doing nothing at home, amazing what a bit of sun can do.

Wendy has some excitement with her weekly shop.

More Game Of Thrones in the evening. Puppies complete with chapel hat pegs, nudity and sex every 10 minutes to keep your attention. No wonder it’s so popular. It’s also a tad blood thirsty. Despite the sex scenes I seem to be warming to it, even though Knights, dungeons and dragons is not really my scene. But there is a way of avoiding 80+ hours of viewing and get the sex scene essence of Game Of Thrones in just 16 minutes. Yes, Huffington Post have kindly produced the Perverts Guide To Game Of Thrones, a 16 minute compilation of all the sex scenes and nudity – click here: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/06/17/game-of-thrones-sex-scene_n_1601883.html.
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What Pat Condell knows about Islam:

20171105 – More Fun / Stress At The Parks

Sunday – hot and sunny.

On our way back to the Magic Kingdom.

After our weeks Disney cruise we now have a week left of Disney park tickets. Oh joy more fun.

Up early and out to the Magic Kingdom. Big mistake choosing this park today. There was a 06:00 marathon and they’re filming their Disney advert. The place is rammed. 140 minutes is the record wait time. Just an indication of the greed, money for old rope. How can they fail to make money?

At least we have some Fast passes so get on the best rides apart from the Seven Dwarfs. Starbucks are just beyond hope, more customers than Muslims around the Kaba at Ramadan. Stuff them. Good day despite the crowds and managed to do some of the older rides and the train, still great rides for younger kids. Thankfully we missed It’s A Small World. At least we were not too late leaving – learning some common sense.
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Another street show.

Despite the queues the things we really love about Disney are:

1 No selfie sticks waving around to poke your eye out.

2 No litter.

3 No chewing gum mountains to climb on the pavements.

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Oh the excitement of a Mr Potato Head.

Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won’t call you a week later.

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. “How do you breath through something so small?”

Q. What’s worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

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Only Fiona and Kasper have the stomach for this kids ride.

Security is the usual joke. No profiling. Let’s select Fiona with a baby in arms, but don’t let’s bother looking near her boobs. Oh and while we’re at it what about that 68 year old grandmother from belthorn. Never mind them young men with beards, or them middle eastern geezers. When will we learn.

Security and TSA a whole industry with massive inconvenience and yet in trials only 10% effective. For the supposed greatest nation on Earth, all caused by a barbaric 6th century rag head living in a cave in Afghanistan, you would think they’d be humbled and hang their head in shame, but as arrogant and as ever.

There has to be a better solution. Could this be the future solution https://www.technologyreview.com/s/602737/ai-body-scanners-could-solve-the-worst-thing-about-airports/ – watch this space.

Monday – hot and sunny.

All the fun of the fair on the more traditional ride.

Decide last minute to go to the Florida Mall – Fiona’s treat and all time favourite theme park.

Take a guess as to which store in the whole of the Florida Mall is rammed full to the gunnels? Well it’s not Victorias secrets or Bose. Yes, it’s the nerds store, Apple. The Microsoft store is next door, probably hoping for some passing trade to rub off. No chance. It’s empty.

Then it’s Hollywood studios again today. Catch most of the good rides with Fast pass, including Toy story which is as good, if not better than, Buzz Light Year. Jasper goes on Tower Of Terror but does not enjoy it and is frightened.

See if you can pull that out.

We were thinking of staying for Fantasmic but chicken out. It’s just too late for the kids, never mind the adults. Have tea back at home, fortunately I have my Spicy Italian Subway, with an excess of jalapeños, so tomorrow no doubt my arse will be on fire.

Hal,Carol and Angela arrive to stay with us for a few days.
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Religion does no harm, Bill Maher reflects

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Hang onto him before he takes off.

Christmas – better be careful using that word I’ll have the PC thought police after me – comes early here at Disney. Only the 6th November and the greedy gnomes on the 96th floor are either devout Christian religious fruitcakes or are out to extract every last cent from the muppets they call customers.

They must be salivating with glee and expectation over their gargantuan bonuses, as all those muppets come storming in, just more dollars on legs. A money machine. If they can’t make a profit with these volumes then time to give up and open a luminous ink tattoo parlour in Jamaica.

Tuesday – hot and sunny.

Nothing like a good old fashioned train ride.

Jasper and Angela enjoy the pool with Kurt.

Cool down in the pool

Lazy morning then we’re off to Epcot for the afternoon. My god it’s hotter than the hinges of hell and sweatier than a Water Hoggs backside.

Epcot dive.

I do yet another dive with Disney Quest in their giant Aquarium. Great dive, just 25 feet deep, warm with plenty of pretty fish and fake coral – can you believe it Disney use the fake stuff. My sort of dive these days and helps me keep my hand in at diving. As usual my ears feel like they’re going to implode and no doubt I’ll be deaf for a week. Some amazing sharks, complete with mangy teeth; colourful sting rays; giant turtles, two of which start kissing one another just in front of me – fortunately they remember it’s Disney and resist having it off. Get to do a high five with Jasper who cutely blows me kisses through the glass wall.

Jasper gives me a high five.

Then in the evening we have a makeshift meal, on the pavement, whilst waiting for the firework and light display. Very impressive, the display that is, as always.

A late night but fortunately traffic clears quickly. If this was in the UK it’d take at least a day to clear those crowd, people would die of old age in the process
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The Truth About Islamophobia

Wednesday – hot and sunny.

A great white.

Drop Kurt and Fiona off at Disney Springs, formerly Downtown Disney, no doubt some bright spark on the 94th floor of the Disney marketing building thought it would be a wonderful idea to change the name. It almost certainly cost a fortune, I doubt it has had a measured or measurable benefit, and I doubt whether the dickhead responsible has been given a brown envelope and escorted off the premises.

Wendy and I get to take Jasper to Epcot for the morning. As usual his behaviour is impeccable and we have a great morning together doing some of the less popular activities at Epcot. Including a light lab where he gets to mix colours and gets to learn that red, green and blue, the additive primary colours, makes white.

Jasper learns about colour.

Amazing 3D animation from Disney and Pixar. Mind blowing. That good I even watched it twice.

Kurt and Fiona meet up with us for lunch.

So hot again. We start to have a wander around the Lands but give up as it’s just too hot.

Set off back home so Wendy and Fiona can go to Walmart – you’d have thought they’d have put their slippers and pyjamas on to fit in with the clientele and for such an auspicious outing. Kurt and I are left looking after the kids. Jasper and I have a whale of a time in the pool.

In the evening we have some wine and Dark and Stormy cocktails.
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Beatrix learning early.

Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!

Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A. Why are you shaking? She’s going to eat me!

Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
A. We’d eat pussy every Thanksgiving.

Q. What’s the difference between love and herpes?
A. Love doesn’t last forever.

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He didn’t come on our dive.

Disney seem to have perfected queues from hell. And Starbucks join in the fun game of piss off the customer with long queues. I’d rather go suck pond water through a straw.

Meanwhile Mexicans and drug barons don’t seem to grasp the concept of a queue, think they must have some German genes in their makeup.

Then we have the ultimate in we don’t care, f..k the customer / muppets, with Mobile food ordering only. No mobile, then you starve.

Thursday – hot and sunny.

Jasper enjoys the pool.

Fiona’s off to her theme park today with a trip to the Outlet Stores. No trip to America would be worthwhile without such a 3 hour retail therapy session. It’s Starbucks for me.

Then sadly we drop them off at the airport, complete with more luggage than a travelling circus act. Say our good byes. We’ve had an awesome time with our kids and grandkids, we’ll miss them and will be rattling around in our awesome 4 bedroomed Orlando home for the next 16 days.

Well it’s been an awesome holiday with kids and grand kids. Love them all but driving with a screaming grandkids can fray your nerves to shreds. Best holiday ever.

In the evening we have a lazy, booze free evening, and catch up on Blue Planet and the Gunpowder series.
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Last family Disney photo.

Are the Disney parks some sort of adipose tissue magnet. Or is there some sort of blobby causing virus in the air around here. You just can’t move for fat guts, to say nothing of the giant boobs. You have to take care one doesn’t swing round and wipe you out with an adipose tissue sideswipe.

Friday – hot and sunny.

Magic Kingdom on our own.

Hal and co depart for Charlestone. So now it’s just the two of us, peace, quiet and tranquility. Time to catch up on three weeks worth of blogs, get some reading in, sort through thousands of photos and whittle them down to manageable numbers ready for a holiday album and hopefully get some reading in.

We’ve still got 3 days of Disney Park passes left so after a lazy day, we set off for the Magic Kingdom Fireworks. Arrive about 17:50, wow it’s really busy. Car park attendant asks us if we’re here for the party. “No, what party?” Park close at 18:00, no fireworks, it’s party night and yes you guessed it, it’s extra admission fee. Turn round and go home. Teach me a valuable lesson – knowledge is not just power but essential – in future check the calendar.

Never mind finish off watching Gunpowder, some TV all washed down with a very tasty Merlot.
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Civilisation at the Grand Floridian.

Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while you’re having sex?
A. Phone her and tell her.

Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
A. Brothel sprouts.

Q. So how is your marriage with Miss Right?
A. I didn’t know her first name was “Always.”

Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A. When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.

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Optional security. Yes its a new concept bought to you by Disney. They’ve tried random selection. Doubt it they’ve ever had the gonads to use common sense and profile, so now they must be trying the latest in ineffectiveness and waste. If you don’t fancy it just walk around the body scanners.

Saturday – hot and sunny.

Full sized real ginger bread house.

Lazy morning and then in the afternoon we set off for the Magic Kingdom again. Too busy to get on any ride. Not queueing 60 minutes.

Have evening dinner at the Grand Floridian, all very elegant and civilised. Then back to the park for the laser, light and fireworks. It’s an hour before they’re due to start yet everywhere is already rammed.

We stand, sit and wait for 50 minutes. Can’t believe it. But have to admit it was spectacular, almost worth it. After this every firework display is going to seem insipid.

Happily Ever After media, laser and firework display:

Then this was followed by Once Upon A Time laser show at Magic Kingdom:

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Magic Kingdom fireworks.

Really need to learn to cope with the scrots of the World. Those who park in disabled or Mums and Baby slots; spit chewing gum out; abuse queues; throw fag packets out the car; and in Disney climb over fences, trample plants just to save them going around the exit. Need to just ride the wave of life rather than speaking out. Why bother you’ll never change them. The world would be such a better place without them but that’s life.

“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, 
the courage to change the things I can, 
and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Reinhold Niebuhr

And

“If you don’t like something, change it. 
If you can’t change it, change your attitude. 
Don’t complain.” 

Maya Angelou

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Radical Islam: The Most Dangerous Ideology:

Awesome Fireworks.

20171029 – Disney Cruise, A Week On A Floating Gin Palace Full Of Screaming Rug Rats – And We Enjoyed Every Minute Of It.

Sunday – hot and sunny.

In the Royal Court.


Meal last night in the Royal Court was amazing. The 10 of us had the centre table and were treated like royalty. Food and service was awesome.

Jasper enjoying the pool.

The show was mediocre. The sort of show to sleep through. I had the best sleep ever, on unknown women’s shoulder.

Today we’re all up pretty early for a great breakfast in Cabana followed by a day at Sea. Kids have a great day by the pool. Boy is it busy and noisy. There’s an nfestation of little, sticky fingered rugrats running a mock and screaming loud enough to pop the rivets holding this floating gin palace together. Every few hours they kick all the rug rats out the pool to test the water and look for any turds. Then when they find the inevitable turd they kick everyone out; drain the pool; send in a high pressure wash team. I pass on the pool.

Wendy attends a 3D Mickey Mouse creation activity, apparently for some perverse reason it’s for big kids, adults only. Sounds like a load of perverts, perhaps it’s a Mickey and friends Chippendales strip show with Minnie and Daisy doing a spot of pole dancing.

Devon enjoys it too.

So much going on for the kids, it’s all go. With fantastic kids clubs but our lot don’t seem to really go for them much.

Tonights the formal night but like all American cruises the majority of people take no notice of it – at the end of the day we’re the customer paying for it.

Tonight we eat in the Animator restaurant. Every night we cycle through the 3 restaurants, so we get to try each one. Our waiters follow us. More great food and service.

As my booze has been impounded by the Disney pirates it’s an opportunity to try various whisky and whiskey. Bullit Rye is very tasty as is the Canadian Royal Rye.
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And the adults even get some sun, but not much peace and quiet.

Despite my booze being impounded I have to say how impressed I am with Disneys complaint handling; the quality of service is awesome; they go above and beyond even my expectations. The best cruise we’ve ever been on, everything was tip top. Pity they don’t do a Disney cruise for adults as I don’t think you’d want to do this without the joy of seeing the little ones enjoyment and the delight on their faces.

Has to be the best family holiday ever. Something we’ll always look back on with glee. It was truly awesome. So glad we did it, you just can’t put a value on this experience and the magical memories.

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What do Viagra and Disney Land have in common? A: They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two minute ride!

When I was younger, I dressed ups a frog and robbed a bank. That was my first time that I Kerm-itted a crime.

If cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, why did it fall off in the first place?

Way to go DisneyWorld is a people trap set by a mouse.

What was Captain Hooks name when he had two hands?

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Just trimming my toe nails. Wish I was that flexible.

Two Stone Age villages in Georgia were making giant clay vats of wine at least 8,000 years ago, according to archaeologists who believe they have found the oldest known example of viniculture.

Previously, the earliest evidence of wine-making came from six nine-litre jars that were buried in the floor of a 7,000-year-old house at Hajji Firuz Tepe in northwestern Iran.

Neolithic wine fermented in jars was hard to characterise as no DNA had been found

The Georgians appear to have been fermenting grapes as much as a millennium earlier — about 2,500 years before the wheel was invented. Obviously got their priorities right.

Monday – hot and sunny.

Cozumel.

We’re in Cozumel today. Must be our 3rd visit.

It’s Fiona’s 31st birthday so we give her the Rain Forrest spa experience for her and Kurt as part of her birthday gift.

As we get off there’s free mosquito repellent, along with warnings of the danger. Everyone’s getting larded up with mosquito repellent and looks like a walking slime buckets.

Mexican safety!

Mexican immigration is an interesting alternative, no armed officers checking passports and stamping dates as to how long you can stay. But there again it’s such a shit hole that I’m sure they have no problems with illegal immigrants. Instead they force you through a load of duty free shops.

Thankfully there’s a Starbucks although you need a degree in Spanish to be able to log onto the wifi – crap really when you consider that the majority of the tourist that come speak English, but no it’s just another dago country where they can’t be bothered to consider the customer.

We all have a wander round but nothing much to see really. Of course if you’re really desperate for something to do and titivate you then you can dip your feet in a tank of tropical fish – weird. Wendy buys a spider man costume for Jasper and in typical fashion manages to negotiate the price down from $20 to $7. She should try some of those tactics next time she’s at the checkout in Aldi.

Another one of those places that it’s best to do an overpriced trip or just stay on board.

Ross and co in Cozumel.

Start our on board detective hunt with Devon and Jasper. It’s quite amazing and good entertainment.

They celebrate Halloween tonight with a massive kids party with Disney characters; trick and treat rewards everywhere and in the evening there’s free drinks of a cocktail or beer in the atrium. Of course most are dressed in fancy dressed costumes as part of the American Halloween, marketing and greed driven, excessive behaviour.

Have a beer before tea with everyone. Then it’s time for dinner in the Enchanted Forrest. Food and service are excellent but the place is oppressively cramped. Rather not eat in here again. Need to have a word with my Disney minder Carla when she rings us at night.

Blanton Rye Whiskey is not so good.
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Appeasing Islam

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Devon on the detective hunt.

The Yank in front of me pays with a $20 bill, can you believe they don’t have any dollars for change so they palm him off with Peso’s and he’s gullible enough to accept them.

I try to pay with my 1,000 peso note. What they won’t accept it. Well to be fair it is columbian peso’s.

Tuesday – hot and sunny.

Having a strawberry Dakari.

Today we’re in Gran Cayman. Again must be our 3rd visit. We don’t dock until later and it’s a tender in, so we have a wander into town after an early lunch. Everyone soon gets fed up with the place. Me, Wendy, Beatrix and Fiona explore a little further. But there’s no Starbucks. Find a mediocre bottle of wine I can take back on board.

We stop at the Margarita bar where we all enjoy a strawberry dakari.

Back on board I get the joy of finishing the detective hunt with Jasper. It really is a treasured experience.

Wendy and Fiona have a treat when they go to the laundrette on board. Nearly as good as a trip to the supermarket.

In the evening Kurt feeds Beatrix on our 10 seater table in the Royal court. Just the two of them.

Meet Woody.

Then we dump the kids in kid clubs while the adults, complete with Beatrix, head to our free meal (it pays to complain) at the speciality restaurant Palo. Sadly they won’t let Beatrix in so Kurt and Fiona head off to Cabana restaurant for diner while the rest of us enjoy a awesome Italian meal at Palo. Pity about our Italian waiter whose gob seems to suffer from verbal incontinence. If he doesn’t shut up soon he’s going to find his gob impaled on the sharp end of a bread role. Kurt and Fiona get to have a quiet romantic evening in Palo on Friday whilst we look after the kids and Beatrix.

Kids get presents in their room with a character blanket. Yet another benefit of complaining.
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Halloween.

If Cinderella can get her prince charming without taking her dress off, then so can you.

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? A: Gag

Why do the seven dwarfs laugh when they play soccer? A: The grass tickles their balls

Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey? A: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork.

What is Mickey’s favorite weapon? A: A Minnie-Uzi!

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The solution to stop Islam:

Wednesday – hot and sunny.

Ready for the pirates night in our cabin.

Arrive early – 07:30 – in Falmouth, Jamaica. Lazy breakfast then Wendy and I along with Kurt’s brood go ashore for a shifty around. Port area is typical shops but quite pleasant. Once you venture out of the port you do start to believe the warnings about this place being dangerous. We’ve all left watches in the safe on board. After 15 minutes we head back to the safety of the port. This place is poor and rough. More people doing an awesome impression of a badgers arse, not part of the Disney experience.

Ross and his brood stay on board around the pool.

Meet up for lunch and then afterwards it’s kids events around the ship. Oh and Wendy becomes one of the biggest kids with drawing in the Oceaner Lab and then some 3D animation.

Halloween.

In the evening we have yet another meet the Princesses extravaganza, as an added delight there’s a man on balcony picking his nose, heaven nose where the debris fell. I wonder whether that’s part of the Disney script.

Meanwhile todays gifts, for the “selected special family” are gold chocolate coins in our room.
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What do Mickey Mouse and Micheal Jackson have in common? They both have black with white faces, wear gloves, and like to play with children.

The Lone Ranger and tonto were riding through the prarie when all of a sudden tonto stops and puts his ear to the ground, The Lone Ranger says “What are you doing tonto?” Tonto says ” kemosabbie, buffalo come” The Lone Ranger then says, “how can you tell?” Tonto replies ” ear sticky”

Your fanny should be called Jasmine cause it’s always got Aladdin

That awkward moment when you’re watching The Lion King and realize Simba got laid during the song “Can You Feel The Love Tonight.”

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Mickey, yet again.

Hundreds of New Yorkers collectively screamed at the sky in a protest to mark a year since Donald Trump was elected president.
Similar protests were held in cities across the US including Philadelphia, Dallas and Austin on Wednesday, although pictures suggested fewer people than expected turned up.

In New York, anti-Trump protesters gathered in Washington Square Park holding placards and signs. Footage from the scene showed the crowd howling up at the sky in anger. No doubt the lefty, PC, Bed wetters in the UK will have joined in the idiocy, probably led by JC and his side kick Diane Abbott.

Thursday – hot and sunny.

Wendy meets her heroine.

Lazy day at sea. Plenty going on for the kids.

Wendy gets her 70th Birthday cake a tad early.

Went to the hypnosis lecture. As it also mentioned weight loss it was the biggest concentration of adipose tissue on the ship. Good job it was midships or I think the ship would have taken on a dangerous list.

Silly me, no wonder it was free they try to sell you a CD.

Go to take photos at the baby crawl race. Women sits down on the floor next to me and asks what this for. Just goes to show how the gullible will join any queue.

Some Jamaican joinery at it’s best!

Sat near the geriatrics couple from hell. They should play a video of these two to all prospective young couples, guaranteed to have them high tail it to the nearst monastery. Not a peep out of them or to one another. She’s glued to her kindle, him to his iPhone. Marriage can be so stimulating.

Good show in the evening, even I stayed awake. A bit more whiskey tasting.

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Vacuum cleaner used to suck up excess and noisy rug rats.

A whole week without internet. Serious withdrawal symptoms, climbing the walls and chewing on my digits. But the real joy is a whole week without having to input a single password – happier than a midget at a mini-skirt convention.


Friday – hot and sunny.

Sandcastles always a favourite for kids of all ages.

It’s Castaway Quay today. A beach day. Disney’s own fantasy Island in the Bahamas. Actually, as you’d expect from Disney, it’s quite well organised with good facilities. Quite a money spinner no docking fees and everything they take on the activities goes straight to Disney.

Have an argument with an arrogant, yank re deck chairs. Offer to try and sort it so that both families get what they want, but he’s having none of it. Prefers to be an arrogant prick and sit on a chair amidst ours. Make you realise why the Americans can be such warmongers.

Try the water slide with Honey, but pass on snorkelling as they expect you to wear a life vest.

Castaway Quay with water slide.

We last about 2 hours before having launch and heading back to the ship. We’re just not beach, sun and sand people.

The pool decks just a cacophony of screaming rug rats and big screen movies. There’s really no peace and quiet to be had anywhere on this floating gin palace.

We’re on rug rat duties tonight looking after Jasper and Beatrix while the parents go to Palo for a speciality meal. Jasper goes into kid club.

We all go to the show. Vampires thrive on blood and our British cruise director seems to thrive on applause. “Did you enjoy….”, “and what about….”. And of course the Americans just love inane applause and shouting for the slightest thing. It’s just a pity she didn’t say “and what about the bog rolls on board, aren’t they fantastic?”. They’d have obliged with thunderous applause.

Dinner in Animation restaurant.

Show is pretty mediocre and spoilt by cruise director’s applause seeking. What ever happened to a show to sleep to and a strangers shoulder to sleep on.

Then the theatre chair eats Jasper, as he gets his foot stuck down the back of the chair and is screaming the place down. Not that anyone notices with all the raucous applause and shouting going on. Me thinks it could be a trip to the county court.

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Qur’an Gangbang episode 6: Daughters of Allah

Saturday – hot and sunny.

Little princes at Halloween.

Breakfast in enchanted garden – claustrophobic start to the day.

Pick up my contraband booze. Then we disembark. Bit of a queue but overall a pretty smooth and slick process. Even immigration are fast and sacrifice all there usual stamp, stamp, fingerprint palaver. Must remember to try smuggling again as the complaints bought us all those freebies – Victor confirms it pays to complain.

The drive to our new home for 3 weeks is pretty uneventful and we’re there by 11:00.

Wendy.

Our 4 bedroomed home is awesome. Has a pool and everything you can think of. Thanks to Barrie for giving us the details, has to be one of the best VRBO’s we’ve ever stayed in – for pictures see next weeks blog.

In the afternoon Wendy and I nip down to the Mall to see if I can get a iPhone X. No chance sold out and of course it’s a state secret when they’ll be getting anymore in – security – stuff the customer yet again.

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Really impressed with our new home, great wifi, they’ve thought of everything. Sadly they’ve even thought of providing UK TV access via a Roku box and a Smart DNS on their router. Unfortunately having a Smart DNS at router level means that I can’t override it with my Apple TV and get either USA or even UK Netflix. Too dam clever by half. Fortunately we can get all UK channels and HBO Now.

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I’m Offended By Islam

Princess Wendy

20171022 – Mickey Mouse Town; Send Trainers We’ve Worn Ours Out; WOT No Time For Wine

Sunday – hot and sunny.

Day 1 – Animal Kingdom. I wonder how haggard we’ll all be by the end?

Up at the crack of sparrows for 10:30 flight to Orlando. Apart from the usual need for security crap the airport was almost tolerable. Amazing how the only way in is via a snaking yellow brick road that takes you through every bit of duty free – marketing strikes again, f.ck the CUSTOMER. Mind you they’ve also managed to add yet another queue to the misery they call airports. Yes, you now have to queue to get in the airport lounge.

Wash and brush up.

Wendy quaffs the brandy with all the gusto of someone who’s spent a week in the dessert without a drink. She just about gets on the plane where she immediately goes to sleep for 2.5 hours, wakes feeling rougher than the inside of a desiccated hush puppy, and then has the brass nipples to blame me for letting her drink so much – grown ups.

Virgin have also managed to strike another blow for added misery with a warning that there’s building works at Orlando so expect delays – they’re so sorry.

Kids are well behaved, no tears or tantrums, and the grandkids are also well behaved. Mind you for sanity sake they’re 10 rows behind us – smart eh!

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Awesome and a memory of a lifetime, taking grandkids and even our kids to Disney and on a Disney Cruise. How lucky can you be.

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The main attraction.

Knock Knock! Who’s There? Tinkerbell! Tinkerbell who? Think your bell is out of order.

Knock Knock! Who’s There? Mickey. Mickey who? Mi key won`t fit through the door hole that’s why I knocked.

My little sister’s password for the Disney website is “MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto” I asked her why, She said: “They told me to use 4 characters”

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More family pictures.

It never ceases to amaze me. I wake up most days with a “New Days Resolution” not to loose my cool. Then within 1 minute 44 seconds of the first web site or application (excepting Natwest and Chase) I’m ready to dive down my router and rip the head off the IT nerd responsible for yet another crap, untested, senseless web site or application. Who are these morons? Why do they get away with it?

And when I say the nerd responsible, that’s not the programmer, it’s the manager who doesn’t ensure adequate testing, performs no common sense review. Of course you think you’ll complain to customers services in the sure and certainty that they’ll do absolutely nothing about it. NO ONE CARES. Let the customer do our testing.

Monday – hot and sunny.

OMG Wendy’s shrunk.

Everyone’s up at the crack of sparrows. Might as well make an early start then on the parks. It’s animal kingdom today and we’re there by 830. They choose this as they thought it would be an easy day – no doubt it’s going to be a long day as we’ve a “safari” arranged for 6 o’clock. As you’d expect kids are loving it, the look on their faces is amazing, especially through lion King. I even manage the Everest roller coaster ride, it’s just 10 seconds short of my pewk point at which moment I’d be sharing diced carrots with the rest of the world. This is the second time I’ve done this. Never again.

Finish about 20:00, so it’s a McDonalds for dinner. Suits me, but so much for an easy day.

You promise the kids an ice cream and then you find that ice cream stalls are rarer that a lap dancing club in Tehran. And then, just like a bus, there’s two of them within 100 feet.

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I have done some stupid things in my life but queueing 70 minutes to go on Narvi River ride at Disney’s animal kingdom has to be the epitome of stupidity.

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Conference time.

Wake up. Smell the coffee before all our grandchildren are forced to wander around in black bin liners and suffer all that goes with the so called religion of peace.

Riddle me this then? The religion of peace is sensitive to anything that offends them. Riots, killing, fatwas and take to the streets in protest even over a few cartoons. If these jihadi atrocities offends, misrepresents or is against their religion why haven’t they thrown their toys out the pram by now? Why aren’t they out on the streets protesting? Why aren’t they burning terrorist flags and images of jihadists? Why aren’t they bellowing and catawalling in anger from every minaret?

I leave you to your own conclusions, but in my mind as long as the so called “moderate muslims” stand by and do nothing then I know what my conclusion is.

Tuesday – hot and sunny.

Islands of Adventure.

Up and out for Islands of Adventure. Security ridiculously tight with scanners. Everything out you pocket. It seems that a piece of paper has suddenly become magnetic, and is a serious security threat, it also has to be taken out. It’s all just a amateur house joke.

Another long day. The kids love it. Pictures say it all.
But by 20:00 we’ve a car full of tired screaming kids and tempers are frayed as we search for an ALL YOU CAN EAT place. End up back home.

I think it’s about time we accepted that young kids and late days at the park = misery all round. Just settle foer shorter days.

What is it with this Harry potter phenomenon, fully grown adults wandering around in Harry Potter gowns – grow up.

How I wish I could bite my toenails like Beatrix can.
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Harry Potter land.

I blame Disney for making me believe that everything will have a happy ending Disney executives often encourage paramedics to only declare a person dead after they are off Disney property, as to not kill the ‘Magic’.

Learn to NEVER look back. If Cinderella went back to pick up her shoes, she wouldn’t of become a princess.

Why does Peter Pan fly? Because he neverlands.

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The Truth About Islamophobia

Wednesday – hot and sunny.

OMG.

Universal studios for 09:30. Good relaxing day with Starbucks and Amex lounge for me, Fiona and Beatrix – chance for her to have a crawl around. Kids get quite a few rides and shows in. Devon and Honey have been on the wimp tablets and are chickening out of rides like a mouse in a thunder storm. I manage ET and the Starbucks experience, twice. Good day.

Oh how sad Univrtsal Studios closes at 17:00, we manage to escape at 16:00 but bad news is we end up in Walmart. Kurt decides to become a nomad and disappears as soon as he’s needed. They are all scatter brained with no focus.
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Honey’s moment of fame.

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to her throat, said, “Red, I’m going to f..k your brains out!” To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum. She pointed it at him and said, “No you’re not! You’re going to eat me, just like it says in the book!”

Who’s this then?

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, “You say here that your wife is crazy.” Mickey replied, “No I didn’t. I said she is f..kin’ Goofy.”

Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they had sex. Pinocchio therefore went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, “How’s the girlfriend?” Pinocchio replied, “Who needs a girlfriend?”

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More Harry Potter.

Harry Potter magic wand $50, point it at some park exhibits and it interacts – wow. Then take it home and leave it in box to collect dust. Marketing moguls must be really rubbing the hands raw with glee.

Thankfully Honey has the common sense to see through this attempted rip off.

Thursday – hot and sunny.

Buzz and friends.

Disney magic kingdom highlight of the holiday. Screw up on the parades as its a Halloween party tonight, extra of course, and therefore none of the parades are available to us. Poor information on the web site so it’s time for Ross and I to go to customer services. Professionally sorted by customer services, they give Ross and co access on the Saturday we get back off the cruise, so at least the kids won’t miss the parades.

Good news, it turns out our LG TV is not repairable so we get a replacement new tv or a refund. Result!
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Cool dude, at least for now.

Don’t I just love the daily drama and tantrums from the rug rats. Clean your teeth – tears. Let me put sun cream on you – tears. Get ready – tears. Get in your push chair – tears. Get out your push chair – tears. Do as I tell you – yes you guessed it, tears. And then when they’re not tantruming they go hyper and strike fear into the hearts of the unbelieving punters.

Fortunately nature is smart enough to inflict kids on you when you’re young. As you get older, the alcohol kills off sufficient memory cells for you to forget how bad it was.

Friday – hot and sunny.

Look out Kurt and Ross the enemies coming.

MGM Studios today. A more relaxing day. Not out so early but we stay for Fantasmic – gets screwed up because Susie and Fiona are on Rocking Roller Coaster ride and don’t link up with Wendy. A real shame as it was one of the few things Honey really wanted to do and now she’s missed it. Wendy treats her to a present to make up for it. The rest of us watch the movie show and then the Star Wars show – impressive – just a pity it clashes with Fantasmic.

A very late night but fortunately we had the sense to have some food at 17:00, so everyones not so ratty.

Can you believe it an American diner that doesn’t sell hot dogs?
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What are they plotting.

Why can’t miss piggy count to one hundred? A: Because every time she gets to sixty nine she gets a frog in her throat.

Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, “Lie to me! Lie to me!”

Dwarf: “Hi ho Hi ho…..” Dwarf 2: “What did you just call me?”

The Princess in the castle prison spots the Frog and tells him “Let me kiss you my dear Frog, so you can turn into the handsome Prince that will recue me! “. The Frog takes a hit from a joint, and removes his Oakley glasses to reply; “Ahhh, that was in the old story. Now you have to give me a blow job”

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Bird brained.

Up at 06:00; out at 08:00; 12 hours pounding the theme parks; back home and no time left for wine. 16 hour days. Thank god we’re on holiday or it could be hard work. Send a new pair of trainers.

Saturday – hot and sunny.

Fishy rides.

Time to leave our 5 bedroom villa in Kissimmee and set off for the Disney cruise. The villa was ok, just a tad tired. Cutlery came ready with dried food meals on it, nothing like dried egg already in the forks. Wendy washes all the cutlery etc by hand. She would have used the dishwasher but it has the unique law of nature defying ability to create matter by spewing out dishes and cutlery dirtier than when they went in. The kids are so excited, and the grandkids are excited too.

Amazing we manage to all be ready for a 10:00 departure, but it does make you wonder how Monty ever mobilised the troops in WWII.

It’s about a 80 minute drive. Well at least it would be if the driver hadn’t decided to pull off halfway down the toll road. It’s a mystery of age as to why I did it.

Drop off at port was smooth; car return efficient; security, check-in and boarding not too much hassle. Although why security had to have a 70 year old YTS’er doing on the job body scanner training amazes me.

Haven’t a clue!

Then by dinner time our suitcases still haven’t arrived. Turns out they’ve been stopped because there’s contraband in them – a bottle of whiskey, wine and brandy. We have to pull them out and hand them over. Collect them when we leave ship.

It’s ok if you’d put a bottle in carry on but not in the suitcase. And the cock and bull story reason for this is that Disney are so concerned for our well being that they don’t want bottles to break in our suitcase and soak our clothes. I point out in my inevitable manner that they’re more likely to get broken in hand luggage and as they’re not broken there’s no need to impound them.

Of course it’s nothing to do with them being greedy bar stewards and wanting to milk you with their on-board booze prices. Just pots for rags.

I’m really loving this ride.

Why do they try and insult your intelligence with such a stupid reason? Why not just be up front, we sell alcohol and want to make a big profit? That I could cope with.

On the plus side the ships officer arranged for two free day spa passes and 6 free Palo restaurant tickets for all our adults. So even though he would never admit it’s just cock and bull, he at least tried to make things right and obviously didn’t agree with the rank stupidity of it.
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Message To Offended Muslims

End of week 1.