Monthly Archives: January 2014

20140122 – Tony cooks a S’mores (more domestic serivitude); Wendy splashes out; how to be a pool guy.

Wednesday – another bluebird day but late afternoon we get to seem the first clouds in 10 days. Then it goes colder that the nipples on witches tit. Flat light on the snow and you don’t see the bumps until they hit you.

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Wendy’s off for her first training sessions a volunteer at the hospital. So it’s a late start all round. 4 hours hard skiing for me, with a break for coffee of course. Then we meet up late afternoon to go coat shopping.

Wendy’s seen this black goose down coat she fancies. I’ve already fell off me perch when I did the first thing any man does and look at the price tag. But she really fancies it so she’s going to try it on unencumbered by 7 layers of ski gear and a liberty bodice. Yes, it fits! Yes, it looks good! We’ve had the “want” and “need” discussion and established there’s a need. She struggles with the price, I’m comatosed. Then it’s a decision. Yes she goes for it out.

Another Netflix evening. Watch the Jack Reacher film and discover we’ve already seen it. An age thing, like the goldfish swimming under the bridge in the bowl and thinking umhh thats a nice bridge, one of the few benefits of age and memory problems. Watched Olympus Has Fallen last night an awesome film, a Die Hard on steroids.

Great news for those of us who avoid vegetables and all this healthy food fad:

Eating “five a day” cuts your risk of cancer

The five-a-day campaign was dreamt up in the fields of California in 1988 and was launched on the back of claims that eating more fruit and vegetables would cut your risk of developing IMG 2182cancer.
This has been studied for over 30 years, but no protective effects have been firmly established.”
That said, eating fruit and vegetables does seem to protect against heart disease and other chronic diseases, and is certainly better than eating junk food.

It’s not just muslims who want to ban freedom of expression:

A comedy show about the Bible, which producers say has been endorsed by hundreds of clergy, has been axed from the Theatre at the Mill in Newtownabbey amid claims it was anti-Christian .The Reduced Shakespeare Company was due to kick off its latest UK tour by presenting The Bible: The Complete Word of God (abridged) at the council-run venue. But earlier this month, calls for the show to be cancelled were made by DUP councillors.

We’re well on the way to loosing any free speech.

Thursday – bluebird day. 

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Wendy’s out early, in her new coat, to go for her 2nd training session. Interesting how many volunteers this profit making hospital consumes. They obviously know a good thing when they see it and utilise the free labour to the maximum. Assumedly by now they’ve found out that Wendy’s not on Blue Crystal Meths despite having watched all of Breaking Bad. 

Two weeks now and not a black bin liner anywhere to be seen. Even rarer than clouds. What a refreshing change. Although I have to say the sight of someone skiing or scum boarding in a black or even blue burkha would be a sight of comic proportions. Similar to the YouTube video of someone eating spaghetti in a burkha.

Late morning and lunch time skiing. Meet Wendy around 14:00 and then it’s off for our Park City Mountain Host volunteer interview. Wendy fancies Plaza meet and greet or Marketing where you go round and do surveys. For me I’m more into the being on the mountain but with us being here late in the season it may not work. They’ll let us know. Let’s hope Wendy gets on as she’ll get a free season pass. Then she’ll be skiing every day!

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In the evening Hal, Carol and of course Angela come round for dinner. That little 4 year old has more imagination than all of Disney combined. Tonight out settee and cushions are no longer a rowing boat to cross the Atlantic in, but has turned into a sleigh. Very pleasant evening, good food, good company and the wine wasn’t too bad. Sadly wine and booze in Mormon country is a tad pricey, that’s if you can find the state liquor stores and find one open – more blue laws in direct violation of the 1st Amendment – I think I’ll complain to that Obama geezer.

A few skier and scum boarder jokes:

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Q: Whats the difference between a snowboarder and a vacuum cleaner?A: One is a noisy scumsucker with a bag of air on it. The other is for cleaning your floor with.
This guy walks into a bar at Mt. Baker and says “Hey, you guys wanna hear a snowboarder joke?”The bartender says, “Well, I’m a snowboarder, the guy on your left is a snowboarder, same with the guy on your right, and a couple of folks behind you as well!”.So he says “Ok, I’ll tell it a little more slowly then”
Q: Why do lifties only get a 1/2 hour lunch break?A: Any longer and they need to be retrained.
Q: What do snowboarders use as birth control.A: Their personalities.
Q: How does a snowboarder introduce themselves?A: “Ohhhh – sorry dude!”

Q. What is the difference between an onion and a snowboard? A. You don’t cry when you cut a snowboard in half!

Friday – another bluebird day.

Lazy start to my day, hit the slopes around 10:00. As I get on the ski bus there’s a family of IMG 2190pretty crazy SFF people. They look at me as if I’m some sort of alien astronaut with all my skis and gear. Than the ultimate, well thought out, ultra intelligent question comes. “Are you going skiing?” It’s oh so tempting to say no I’m going crocodile hunting, but the I suppress my Victor alter ego and answer politely.

Wendy’s staying home deafening the neighbours with the click, click of her needles. I manage 3 hours awesome quiet skiing in – see ski track report. Sneak in 11 awesome runs. These skis are really becoming at one with me and the legs aren’t catching fire as much.

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Then it’s back one for coffee and afterwards we have a pleasant sunny walk into town. It’s funny but down in the town you’re at about 6,700 feet and you sure notice the altitude when walking, feels like lugging a sack of hammers on your back. Yet on the mountain you’re up at 9,500 feet and never feel it the same – thankfully. Meanwhile our bodies must be busier than a cat trying to bury s..t on a marble floor, churning out extra red blood cells. Good news is that alcohol is some much more effective.

Well we’ve been here two weeks now and are really feeling settled in and at home. The stork definitely delivered me to the wrong town. Our home here is so very comfortable, a real home from home. We just love the open plan layout; have more bathrooms than we can use; even have an office; great balconies and deck;kitchen has everything we need; just got to try the jacuzzi out. The bed is that comfortable and has an awesome lightweight goose down continental quilt. You just sink into the bed and are warmer than a pikelet in a toaster. Walking and catching the bus is really no hassle and becomes part of this awesome way of life. Standing waiting for a bus with these awesome surroundings and views is a pleasure. We’re out every day doing some activity and yet at home, this time of year, we just feel caged in and IMG 2208suffer from cabin fever as it’s too dam cold, wet, grey and miserable.

Wendy’s really enjoying her hospital volunteering. And of course I’m really enjoying the skiing and being out and about in those awesome mountains.The really great news is that Wendy’s already talking about finding somewhere for 3 months skiing next year.

Q. What were the snowboarder’s last words? A. DUDE, WATCH THIS!!!

Q. Where does a snowboarder hide his money from his roommates?A. Under the soap dish.

On the first day of her vacation, a woman fell and broke her leg. As the doctor examined her, she moaned, “Why couldn’t this have happened on my last day of skiing?” He looked up. “This IS your last day of skiing.” 

Q. What do snowboarders and a human sperm have in common?A. They both have a one in million chance of becoming a human being.

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A guy finds out he needs a brain transplant. The doctor proceeds to show him various brains. One brain, which belonged to a skier, cost $500, the other, which belonged to a boarder, cost $5000. Perplexed, he asked about the price difference.
The doctor replied “Well, the boarder’s brain has never been used!”

Food for thought:

If Muslims stopped killing other Muslims because they belong to a different sect; stopped forcing their chosen practices on other Muslims; tolerated less pious Muslims;did not feel the need to hang, crucify or stone to death apostates; did not feel enraged if other Muslims did not abstain from alcohol or pork, or did not attend the mosque; did not kill men, women and children because they adhered to other faiths; did not blame rape on the length of a woman’s skirt; did not murder their own wives because they spoke to strangers, or their daughters because they 1622850 10152197113768210 444978736 nflirted with boys or because they were raped by rascals; did not wish to start the World War III because some maverick cartoonist drew blasphemous caricatures; did not use suicide bombers to strike terror into the heart of the unbelievers and then think that these very same jihadist would be rewarded with heaven and 70 virgins; did not issue death fatwas because an author wrote a blasphemous book; or did not aim to spread their religion to the entire world, by the sword if necessary, then fighting Islamophobia would be much easier.

Saturday – yet another gorgeous bluebird day.

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Join Hal and Carol for a mornings skiing. Despite not having had any snow for nearly two weeks it’s still in great shape. Hal manages to put me through my paces, with 2.5 hours none stop action, 3 double blues and even start on a Black Diamonds early. Get the legs on fire. Need to stop being so lazy and put in more turns, these guys put in about 3 times as many turns as I do.

Wowsers, have I cracked it. Forget all your faddy, high priced, boring, eat only veggies, give up living diets Try the TESki diet. It’s simple and great fun. According to my ski tracker a mornings skiing = 1,740 Calories (yes the big C’s). Therefore, by my calculations I can enjoy 3 full bottles of red wine, or 5 bottles of lager, each day, and still be well on my way to a svelte like figure.

Home for lunch and then after lunch we take a walk (I really need the exercise) down to the IMG 2213 anyons to have a look around and look for some new ski pants for me. Sat outside around a roaring log fire in brilliant sunshine drinking coffee. I get the chance to do some cooking, more domestic servitude, as there’s free S’mores on offer. Apparently an all American tradition like pumpkin pie and pot roast. Here’s the recipe, two marshmallows toasted on a skewer, then when they’re melting / black you scrape them off onto chocolate on a Grahams cracker and put a Grahams cracker on top to make a marshmallow and melted chocolate sandwich. Quite tasty and best of all they’re free. Mind you I needed a pint of meths to get the melted marshmallow off me.

Wow we’re really getting into the swing of things as we’ve moved Noddy past Big Ears time to 22:00, although Wendy still manages to nod off even during East Enders – not that surprising as its so dam boring.

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More non PC sayings for everyday use and offence to those open minded liberals and progressives (a liberal gone bad) whose brains seem to have fallen out:

Insane People – Mental Explorers; Selectively Perceptive

Insult – Emotional Rape

Janitor – sanitation engineer

Klutz – kinesthetically challenged

Large Nose – nasally gifted

A court in the Pakistani city of Rawalpindi has sentenced a 70-year-old British man to death after convicting him of blasphemy. Muhammad Asghar was arrested in 2010 after writing letters to various people claiming to be a prophet, reports say. His lawyers argued for leniency, saying IMG 5232he has a history of mental illnessl. Asgharn has been diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic and had treatment at the Royal Victoria Hospital in Edinburgh, but the court did not accept his medical reports from the UK, reports say.

Pakistan’s controversial blasphemy laws carry a potential death sentence for anyone deemed to have insulted Islam.

The blasphemy complaint against Asghar was filed by a tenant in his building, after he was given an eviction notice.

His lawyer told the BBC’s Saba Eitizaz that she was forcibly removed from the case by the judge and that proceedings were carried out behind closed doors.

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Foreign aid to this barbaric 3rd world country that also has a nuclear weapons programme and shelters terrorists should be stopped immediately. Yet the clowns in the UK government are planning to double the amount of aid it provides to Pakistan from £267m in 2012-13 to £446m in 2014-15, making it the largest recipient of UK aid. We spent a total of £9.1Billion of foreign aid in 2012. Money we don’t have. The majority going to governments who despise our way of life; have barbaric practices; murder Christians, people of other religions and atheists; reject democracy; have space programmes; nuclear weapons programmes; sponsor terrorism. Obviously our MP’s brains have dropped out. Someone needs to fumigate the houses of parliament to get the smell of stupid out of the furniture in there. I’m just speechless. We should rise up against these idiots.

Sunday – year another gorgeous bluebird day.

Nominate today a lazy day, a day of rest even. Saturdays and Sundays tend to be busier onIMG 2227 the mountain so if we have one day off then these are ideal candidates. Catch the bus into town to seek out some new ski pants. End up buying matching Karbon jacket and pants. I’ve already passed the need test, as my existing gear is just over 9 years old. Even her indoors has two pairs of ski pants for her one day a week debut, whereas my gear has to be washed and dried overnight else I don’t get to ski.

End of Sundance Film Festival today so we say goodbye to all the pretty crazy people and hopefully the Town gets back to normal.

Bloody deer have been again and pinched all the bird food, time for evasive tactics. Test the hot tub for PH and Bromine levels – apparently it dampens the desire for randy activity in the hot tub! Add  a tailored concoction of chemicals, next stop I’ll be a Nobel chemist brewing a batch of blue meth. Then the deck needs a good sweeping as the gutter men have cleaned out the gutters and deposited the residue on the deck – oh the day to day tasks of your average American.

More Liberal taunting Non PC terms:

 

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Lazy – motivationally dispossessed; motivationally deficient

 

Learning Disability – Self-Paced Cognitive Ability

 

Library – Educational Resource Center

 

Logger – Wood Weasel; Paper Pirate;Treeslayer

 

Loser – Second Place; uniquely fortuned individual on an alternative career path

 

Here we go again kicking off and limiting free speech. I wonder who it can be this time:

And all I said to my wife was: That piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah.

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Maajid Nawaz, a Lib Dem PPC in Hampstead and Kilburn, stands accused of committing the thoroughly heinous crime of causing religiously aggravated butthurt in the first degree, the suggested punishment for which appears to be political career death by change.org petition.

At the heart of this is, yet again, a completely innocuous Jesus & Mo cartoon which Maajid clearly considers to be anything but offensive, hence the tweet.

The webcomic Jesus and Mo is a simple one: the two religious figureheads J Christ and Mohammed share a house and discuss matters of religious philosophy, often in arguments with a wise atheist barmaid at their local.

It is, of course, irreligious and arguably blasphemous. (In its very first edition or episode or whatever you call it, Mo points out that it’s forbidden to depict him pictorially. Jesus asks what he’s doing in a cartoon, reasonably enough, and Mo claims he’s a body double.) It’s also very clever, informed by philosophical and religious argument, and — as mentioned — funny.

20140118 – Ski, Ski, Ski. Wendy has a drug test. Those pretty crazy SFF people are everywhere.

Saturday – more bluebird days 40F and clear blue sky. The mountain needs feeding with some more snow.

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Pictures are of the Ice Castle we visited last night with Hal, Carol and Angela – our landlords.

Pick car up from Enterprise after yesterdays failed pick up. Mind you one hell of a deal, 3 days at the weekend for $36 and to top it all I get a full size Hyundai Elantra, very swish.

Decide against driving to the ski slopes as it’s absolute mayhem with the Sundance Film Festival so catch the bus in and have a lazy couple of hours skiing. Busy due to all the crotch droppings, but worth it.

In the afternoon it’s the liquor store, Walmart, Bread shop for some of their amazing granola and then Whole foods for a salad. By the time we get back it gone 18:00 so we pass on going to DSC03924 atch the Half Pipe Championships. Try out HBO and pick up a full feature length film with Larry David (Clear History), like a Curb Your Enthusiasm on steroids. Also sample a some beer and wine just to stock me dehydrating.

Sunday – another bluebird day.

Up at the crack of swallows and have the benefit of driving tot he slopes. Not really all that much in it as the bus service is so frequent.

By 10:00 I’ve cracked off 6 awesome runs on corduroy and am ready for a well deserved coffee break. Then pick up another 4 runs and back home well and truly knackered.

Popped into the National Ability Centre to volunteer to take disabled and blind people skiing and in the summer archery – no this is not a joke, they are in blue. The centre here at PC has a Worldwide reputation for excellence in sports for the disabled. Isn’t it neat that they don’t call it a “National Disability Centre” but instead the “National Ability Centre” – mind you DSC03927 ot that they can spell it that well. When you see some of these guys ski you get to understand why they use the word ability. No legs or blind and they put me to shame. 

Then for a bit of exercise with Wendy we go for a 2 hour stroll around town, look in at a great looking Mexican and then it’s Starbucks in PC with all the pretty people. You’d think they were giving it away, coffee that is. The pretty crazy people are posing and marauding everywhere. Interesting you seem to get two distinct sorts the eye candy brigade dolled up to the nines, pretty and don’t they know it.Then you get the nerds who look like they’ve escaped from a deep dark cellar where they operated the IT help desk, dressed by someone from the Salvation army clothes stall a Sartorial Schizophrenia,  and are in such desperate need of some TLC and human contact.

At this rate I’ll be both knackered and asleep by 20:00, another chance to fall asleep over Silent Witness. Will I have the energy to climb the apples and pears as noddy passes big ears – moved to 09:00 these days until we get our high altitude legs.

Monday – another bluebird day.

Is this heaven? Up at 07:00, wondering why so early, is it worth it?

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Eagle lift for 09:00, eagerly awaiting opening; Temptation for first run of the day, sun and corduroy; King Kong lift; King Kong; Silverlode lift; Jonesys for virgin corduroy, steep start among those awesome Aspens and then a long smooth well groomed velvetty finish, just like a good coffee; a few more runs then time for coffee. Then more, more, more and home around lunch time after an awesome mornings skiing. 

Is it worth the early start? You bet. All that and awesome mountain scenery for just £5 a day. Beats any gym membership. 

Anyway time to notch up a gear ready for Kurt. Last week was gentle start, just blues. This week need to tackle the double blues and push these old legs in a 16 year olds body some more. Skies are now behaving and feeling very comfortable and at one with them and as for for my 15 year old antique boots, they’re still as responsive and comfortable as the day I bought them. Like a pair of 10lb fur lined slippers. 

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Back home and take Wendy down to Salt Lake for her drug test. Salt Lake is covered in smog and you get a terrifying view of it as you drive down from the clear blue skies of the mountains into what looks like a 1950’s pea souper from above.

Yes’ they took just one glance at Wendy at the hospital interview and decided she was a druggy. Typical of her age and the Little Missy jeans were a dead give away. Hopefully they won’t detect the brandy problem! She can manage the pee test but they have to call in a head nurse and then a doctor to get any blood out of her. She comes out with holes in both arms where they tried to get blood out of the stone. Sadly they have no Mickey Mouse plasters.

Take the car back and have a pleasant walk (as if I don’t get enough exercise) back home.

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Tuesday – another bluebird day.

Wendy’s hitting the slopes again. She’s that keen she’s 200 yards ahead of me, just galloping to the bus stop. Can’t wait to get on the slopes.

Amazing isn’t it there are all these special SFF buses for the pretty crazy people, and they’re almost always empty and one every 5 minutes. Yet they, the pretty crazy ones, decide to mount the ski bus, so skiers can’t get on. Meanwhile there are empty SFF buses everywhere.

Have a pleasant morning skiing; stop for coffee; then to the corner store for lunch. Wendy has a ginormous Philly Steak sandwich and I can’t resist a Chezc Pilsner. Sinner that I am, as I break the 2nd commandment of retirement – “Thou shalt not drink during the day”. The temptation was just too great after such an awesome and heavenly day.

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Amazing isn’t it in this day and age full of the wonders of IT you get a tab at the end of the meal that doesn’t add up. Can you believe it there are cash machines that can’t add up. Instead of $19.53 it’s $19.55. I point this out to the waitress – one of those Victor moments. No of course it’s right she says. No it isn’t says Victor. She goes back in and comes out with the tab, still wrong but 2 cents for me. The manager says it just rounds the bill automatically. And just by coincidence it rounds up. Hmm! It’s not the 2 cents it’s the principle, they could at least warn about rounding on the tab and better still round down.

Mind you at least this tab doesn’t do the maths for an 18%, 20% and 22% tip. Gone are the days IMG 2158 of being content with 10%, easy on the brain, or 15%, a tad more taxing, for really great service. Funny old thing isn’t is, everyone screams highway robbery at taxes that at least in theory go to improve society, yet accept without even a glance at a calculator a 20% tip. So the other night our waitress must have dolled out at least 3 tabs an hour at say an average of $60, thats $180 at 20%, thats $36 an hour, plus assumedly minimum wage of say $7 an hour giving a total of $43 per hour at a 37.5 hour week for 48 weeks thats $77,000 pa. Average wage is $44, not bad if you can get it. Sadly we (yes both of us not just me) really struggle with this tipping lark although I have to admit that service here is so much better IMG 2167than in the UK, but 10% is my  normal limit for good service, it must be the English Victor in me.

Well that’s enough of the Victor moments for the day, better quit while I’m still intact. Time to go home and finish clearing the deck. Play with the awesome snow blower that just blows all leaves and loose snow off the deck.

 

 

20140114 – Let The Skiing Begin

Tuesday – bluebird day.

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That’s it supermarkets, shopping and any other form of domestic servitude is now over with. Let the skiing commence, only 84 days left. Up at the crack of sparrows and on Eagle lift for 09:00. Just 4 minutes walk to the free bus; then 20 minutes on the bus and I’m on the slopes, so why bother with a car.

Great mornings skiing. Fresh snow, blue skies, empty slopes and awesome mountain views. Skis seem to be behaving them selves for now, but just for good measure they go in for an overnight waxing (brazillian) and edging!

Back home for lunch. Then we have a leisurely stroll into town to the Comcast store. A day would be incomplete without Comcast in my life. Have a chat with the granite rock who gives me yet another box and cables. But this time it’s bigger, always better, and silver. And believe it or not it actually works after a high tech online activation.

You’d think by now in life I’d know better. But no I couldn’t resist and watched that blood boiler IMG 2063 Benefits Street” – a bigger health risk than the Daily Mail. It should carry a Government health warning. Fags, iPhones big screen TV’s, top brand goods and plenty of booze. When they whine about getting more or improving their lot it was always about more thieving or better benefits. The concept of getting a job rarely seemed to enter their heads. It really grieves me to say this but after watching that thieving scrot you really do start to wonder whether Sharia law has got it right with chopping hands off. The more humane equivalent might be a metal gauntlet. Will I have the wit to avoid the rest?

Dear M&S

IMG 2072I see you’re having some troubles shifting alcohol and pork through the tills over Christmas, as some of the muslims have kicked off about it and your such a liberal organisation you let them get away with it. Therefore I would like to offer my assistance. 

I seek a job on your shop floor at the Blackburn store. I’m sure with all the muslims floating around there, like Daleks without a proboscis, you need all the help you can get.

I’m not muslim and have no problem with pork or alcohol – well perhaps a few too many red wines after I clock off but that’s another matter. Nor am I a veggie so am ok with meat and vegetables. 
In fact as a Pastafarian my religion positively encourages getting rat arsed – not on the the job of course. However, as a Pastafarian the Flying Spaghetti Monster, all praise be to him, would expect me to follow certain beliefs:

1 I would have to refuse to deal with any customer who did not have an item of pasta in their IMG 2051 hopping. Perhaps we could have a “Pasta” isle where anyone with pasta in their shopping basket can be fast tracked.

2 Every Friday is a holy day and I could not work on those days as we celebrate with beer and pasta and contemplate the beer volcanoes and stripper factories of Flying Spaghetti Monster Heaven – all praise be to him.

3 On our other holy days I would of course need to come to work dressed as a pirate, with a black eye patch of course, but in the interests of hygiene I would leave the parrot at home. It can be a tad inconvenient flicking bird turds off you’re shoulder.

As such an enlightened, do gooder, PC, liberal, multicultural employer I look forward to hearing from your Human Remains Department and can provide a full CV should you so require it.

Yours Sincerely

Wednesday – another bluebird day blue skies, sun and great snow.

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As it’s a bluebird day Wendy’s out their sharpening and waxing her skies in eager anticipation of her debut on the slopes.

Pick up my skis duly go faster waxed and edged. They behave themselves again. Feeling really at home on them.

Lazy start Wendy’s having none of this “09:00 Eagle lift nonsense”. Get on the slopes for 10’ish. A few green runs with Wendy, doesn’t she do well for a pensioner. All her own teeth and attitude too – not sure where she gets the attitude from – but as she says don’t mess with me I’m hormonal.

Then it’s a leisurely coffee break. Followed by a few runs down to Payday for lunch. Being tight Wendy’s made her own butty – comes out a tad squashed after skiing. I get a free coffee. DSC03899Blessed are the poor, or so they say.

After lunch it’s a leisurely stroll around the ski stores – expensive. I invest in a new pair of sticks, to replace my old odd ball mismatches, but having said that I’ve had 20 years out of them so can’t grumble. Remind me not to take Wendy with me when buying ski equipment, she thinks colour rather than performance is important.

Hal comes round and we drain and refill the hot tub and fire it up ready for apre ski on our deck. It’s an American thing / experience. At this rate I’ll be barbecuing next – not a pretty site and probably more chance than a Taliban barbecuing bacon, pork chops and black puddings for his family. There’s a typical grill, a buffalo sized Barbie out there on the deck. No aluminium trays here.

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It’s my first Comcast free day I’m getting withdrawal symptoms. Will the granite boulder miss

Included some pictures of our home for the next 8 months. It’s so comfortable and we feel really at home here. 3 floor living exercises the old calf muscles, as if skiing’s not enough, we’ll have legs like Russian shot putter by the end of August.

More PC enlightened terminology to aid my integration with normal society:

Hamburger – Seared Mutilated Animal Flesh

Handicapped – Differently Abled

Having PMS – cyclically challenged

Hearing Person – temporarily aurally abled

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Homeless – outdoor urban dwellers, residentially flexible, Mortgage-Free Living 

Housebroken – Family Disfunction

Housewife – domestic engineer

Hunter – Animal Assassin, Bambi Butcher, Meat Mercenary

Ignorant – factually unencumbered, knowledge-based non-possessor

Incompetent – Differently Qualified, Specially Skilled, Uniquely Proficient

Thursday – blue skies and sun again. Great snow.

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Boring routine up at 07:00; walk to 08:34 bus; Eagle lift for 09:00; then hit Temptation for the first awesome run of the day; work my way across the mountain; have an extended coffee break talking to Joe and putting the World to rights. Then some more skiing. Is this heaven, bugger 70 virgins, not physically of course, or any of that religious clap trap – one women is more than enough to cope with?

Wendy goes for an interview at the hospital as a volunteer. Yeh, she got the job, right pleased about it, but first she has to go for a drug test to make sure she’s not a junky pensioner. Well just one look at her and you’d think she’s the type – pots for rags.

Well I see the Sundance Film Festival has started, the crazy people and pretty people are out DSC03916and about. Spotted my first two blonds in over sized fur coats and posy boots. At least they had the sense not to be wearing high heals. I’m sure before the fortnight’s over well get the whole works of fur coats; high heals or even pink furry moon boots; permanent botox smiles the size of a crescent moon; teeth so blinding white that you need welding goggles; make up as thick as the base crust on the bottom of a Melton Mowbray pork pie; and duelling silicon implants the size of two water melons attempting to escape their restraints, with chapel hat pegs enhanced no doubt by the cold weather!

Good news is the ski slopes will be quiet as hardly any of them ski – yippee.

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After lunch Hal comes around and gives me a lesson in hot tub maintenance; PH levels; Bromine levels etc. Then we tackle some snow clearing on the deck. Best to leave it to the salt and sun.

Our deck is absolutely awesome. We get the sun from about 13:00; it’s big, being American what can you expect; it has a hot tub; it has views of the mountain tops; and of course has an all American barbie.

Some more health guidance, take it with a pinch of salt. Oh perhaps not salts supposedly bad for, try a pinch of pepper:

Being overweight is unhealthy

The accepted wisdom is that if you have a body mass index (BMI) of between 25 and 30, then you are overweight and this will shorten your life.

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People with a BMI of between 25 and 30 were actually 6 per cent less likely to die than people considered to have a healthy BMI, ie, 18.5 to 25.

First prize for the dumbest muslim terrorists has to go to:

The Birmingham terror group. Wow, these guys are dim. Found guilty in February this year of conspiring to commit acts of terrorism, the three space cadets had managed to raise £12,000 for their planned attacks but then lost £9,000 of it when one of them went to make a cup of tea while betting on online stock exchanges. The leader of the gang – nickname: Chubbs – was reportedly too fat and unfit to undergo proper terror training. They had bought sport ice packs in the hope of using the ammonium nitrate to make bombs, but ammonium nitrate is no longer an ingredient in commercially available ice packs. No money, no training, no nitrate… well done, lads, you’re officially the dumbest Islamists of all.

Friday – another bluebird day 39F.

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Bagels for breakfast. We have an awesome Einsteins bagels store in town. Some of the best bagels ever including Apple and cinnamon, cinnamon raisin, cinnamon sugar and blueberry crumble. Then for the veggies of the world theres a host of bagels just oozing green stuff – not for me.

Bit of a lazy start today as we’re up a tad too late for an 09:00 start. Standards are slipping.

On me ski’s by 10:00. Manage a good two hours. Meet Wendy for lunch and also bump into Hal and Carol for lunch at the corner store.

Now here’s the latest really bad health news:

A couple of glasses of red wine a day are good for you.

The upside of drinking modest amounts of alcohol is that it may protect you against heart disease. The downsides of drinking alcohol are the increased risk of liver disease and cancer. Half a unit (about a quarter of a glass of wine a day) is the optimum amount from a health perspective.

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I suppose you don’t have to believe all the latest research!

Leisurely afternoon. Then in the evening we visit the Ice Castle down at Midway with Hal, Carol and Angela. Amazing and as the light fades the coloured lights really bring out the best in the castle – pictures to follow on the next blog. As it’s the Sundance Film Festival we drive down to Kimble Junction for dinner at the Red Rock and hopefully avoid the “We’re Beautiful And Flaunting It Brigade”. Good food, good company and good beer what more can you ask for. Oh and free beer mats to boot!

Air Infidel  – the only airline that for added comfort has pigskin covered seats regularly greased with pig fat to keep them supple and has pork crackling, black puddings on the menu.

 

20140109 – Living The Dream

Thursday – cold, wet and miserable, as we leave Belthorn. Makes you appreciate reaching escape velocity.

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Yes we’re off on our great adventure to live the dream. 3 months skiing and living in Park City, Utah – the greatest little town in America, a veritable Sodom and Gomorrah in the midst of Mormon country. We’re renting a house for 8 months in my favourite town. Unfortunately with Visa, travel insurance and home insurance weasel words we have to come back every 90 days. So we’re back to sunny Belthorn in April, couple of weeks in France early May, then back out to PC for summer in the mountains June, July and August.  My dream. Awesome.

Manchester airport so much more relaxed in winter but still the usual crap and lobotomised, uniformed, little hitlers. But cheerful check in girl (not PC I suppose) and bacon butty man were the best thing about the airport. Someone, she shall remain nameless, had put a load of energy bars in my rucksack. Boy did that confuse the Xray geezer. Strip search me haversack, any moment now I can hear the sound of the rubber gloves slapping on!

Delta have changed our flight coming back. Flight arrives at 19:30 and next flight takes off at 19:05. Some mathematical genius there. Mind you at least they’ve given me 3 months notice so that I can train to be a Time Lord. That’s coming back so who cares?

Flight from Manchester to Atlanta was good, adequate leg room, just about tolerable, excellent service and they all smiled and seemed to enjoy their work.

Atlanta, well. What can you say. 40 minutes passport control and then 25 minutes TSA underwear scanning, peeving and long term sterilisation. Why we have to go through security again, only the Flying Spaghetti Monster knows. Perhaps they think the Delta flight crew were dishing out explosives and running bomb making classes on the flight over. Just more TSA madness.

Short drive up to Park City and we’re home.

Good news. A new study shows that drinking coffee is not bad for you. In fact, moderate coffee consumption appears to be mildly protective.
Based on this and other studies the most effective “dose” is two to five cups a day. More than that and any benefits drop off. Sadly I don’t know who conducted the study – possibly Starbucks!
 

Friday – cold (23 – 31F) and snowy (that’s what we’re praying / paying for).

Up a 06:30, cooking a cup of tea for Wendy. Mortar round explosions rippling through the mountains, IMG 2019 t’s either the Talibans attacking, or the Ski patrol out on avalanche control. Open the curtains to snow, snow, snow everywhere. It’s the proper stuff, none of that slush grey and black we seem to end up with. Mr Plough been out and done his job already. Roads are cleared, just a thin layer of compacted snow / ice, even our garage area is cleared.

Start the holiday with an all American breakfast at Squatters – awesome food.

Leisurely day getting settled in. 3 trips to Comcast to sort out Wifi. 1st they’re closed for lunch, that’s what you get employing French; 2nd no you need you’re property rental agreement to prove you exist – keh; 3rd terribly sorry computers down for the next 3 hours, by which time they’ll have pissed off home. Starting to make BT look good. Canadian customer summed them up when he said their service was totally crap in Canada and is just as crap here. That’s good quality control for you, consistency. Takes a lot of effort to be consistently bad.

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Wendy hits the supermarket whilst I take care of the important things. State liquor store to get some essential supplies; bank to get some dollars to pay rent. Ask how much I can draw out? “As much as you have in.” “what no daily limits?” “No it’s your money, why should we stop you spending it.” My sort of bank.

Meanwhile some more PC terms to help me become a good brainless PC liberal:

Fail – achieve a deficiency.

Fat – Differently Weighted; gravitationally challenged; horizontally challenged; horizontally gifted; People of Mass; person of substance

Fictional / Mythological – ontologically challenged

Freshman – first-year student

Full of Crap – fecally plenary

Gang – Youth Group

Garbage Man – sanitation engineer

Gas Station Attendent – petroleum transfer technician 

Geek, Nerd, whatever… – socially challenged

Ghetto / Barrio – Ethnically Homogenous Area

Saturday – cold blue sky day.

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In the lift queue at 08:50 for the Eagle lift. May be a bit slow. May be a tad antediluvian – pre-dates Noah. But, it gets you to some of the best skiing quicker than doing the multiple hi-speed 6 packs that most tourists do. Yes, I’m a local this year.

Have a few runs to get back in the swing of things. Then meet up with Carol for a great bluebird mornings skiing. 

Feeling very at home on these skies, just as if it was only yesterday I was on them. Then I have a couple of falls. Mind you given that it was like skiing in a war zone, with all the mortars going off to clear avalanches, it’s enough to make anyone jump out of their ski boots.

That’s it these new skis are going back. Well at least the left one is. It seems to be demonically possessed, about as obedient as a half brained spaniel. Why is it trying to copulate with the right ski? Two falls in one day is more than a full seasons worth. Embarrassing, especially the first, I was only doing about 2mph. If I’d have gone another foot before stopping a parachute would have been handy. 2nd was a tad more spectacular as I did an impression of a star fish sliding down a mountain.

Perhaps I should have done more than 1 days pre-ski exercises, rather than relying on 3 months IMG 0699skiing to get fit. Who knows perhaps by March I might have full control of my left leg.

In the afternoon I take on the ultimate challenge to my sanity and ring Comcast to sort the TV and set up Internet. They obviously don’t want to be bothered with new customers, takes me 15 minutes to find a phone number. Abandon hope all you who ring this number. 3 calls, 4 people and 2 hours 15 later I’ve got it all set up – allegedly, although the proof will be Monday when I try and pick up the modem. By now I’ve totally lost the plot and the will to live. They are so bad I just can’t describe it. But at least now I know why they have a service called “Infinity”. It’s because their service is infinitely worse than any anyone else. That includes BT. Just imagine your worst BT nightmare experience and multiply it by infinity and you still don’t get even with a lightyears distance of how bad they are. Time to rattle a CEO’s cage.

Sadly there’s no alternative.

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As we’ve got Comcast cable TV set up, it comes free with our new home, we decide to have a flick through the channels to see whats worth watching. By the time we’ve gone through all 950 channels it’s time for bed and we’ve found nothing of merit to watch.I think I’d rather watch the CBBeebies with a blindfold on and the sound on mute, than some of the wasted photons produced by some of the USA TV channels. The adverts are just another excess, but they’re that lengthy at least you can cook a 3 course meal during each interval.

More PC terms:

Hamburger – Seared Mutilated Animal Flesh

Handicapped – Differently Abled, Handi-Capable

Having PMS – cyclically challenged

Hearing Person – temporarily aurally abled

Homeless – outdoor urban dwellers; residentially flexible; Mortgage-Free Living 

Housebroken – Family Disfunction

Housewife – domestic engineer

Hunter – Animal Assassin; Bambi Butcher; Meat Mercenary

Sunday – cold, snowing and howling a gale.

Do a good imitation of a nesh, lethargic chicken and stay in. With snow, 30mph winds and gust up to IMG 2045 0mph there’s a good chance they’ll shut a lot of the lifts down, so I do the sensible but boring thing, stay home and win some browny points with Wendy.

After lunch Wendy tempts me to an alternate orgasmic excitement. A trip to Walmart and TJ Max . Somehow doesn’t compete with the excitement of skiing in a howling snow storm; swinging 100 foot up in a 6 man chair; being roped down when the chair stops because it’s too windy. Thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM) for iPhone and 3’s Feel At Home Service which means I can at least access As Much As You Can Eat Data here in the USA. Can even watch BBC from iPhone to ITV to main TV.

Monday – cold, windy and some snow round.

Do you ever wonder about the difficult life choices you have to make:

Option 1 – 9″, that’s 225 mm to those not classically educated, of fresh, white, fluffy, virgin snow to ski on. 

Option 2 – go to Comcast to sort internet (vitally important); then drive down to Costco for some orgasmic isle and trolley duelling; then Ikea. Have to do this today as tomorrow we are poor and car less.

Hang on there’s another option. 

Option 3 – I go skiing and Wendy drives down to Salt Lake to do the rest. 

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So which is it to be?

Go for option 2, wins me some extra browny points for my remaining 3 months skiing.

Start with Comcast. There at opening time to pick up a wifi modem. “I don’t believe it”, the lobotomised girl with the personality of a granite boulder (why would anybody employ anyone so miserable and uninviting) can’t get the storeroom open. Her key won’t work. I offer to break the door down for her but she’s not enamoured with the idea.

We’re going down to Salt lake so I’ll pick one up from their. What’s their excuse going to be? Turns out they don’t have one – unbelievable. At least the guy there has a personality and a brain so we discuss the pricing options and he manage to get $50 pm to $25, gives us a shed load more channels to flick through so we probably won’t get to bed until the early hours. But best of all set us up with a free, my sort of word, trial of all HBO for 3 months.

Then it’s off to Costco. Our account has been cancelled for some reason but assistant is most helpful IMG 2036 nd gives us a day pass. Wow what a place. It’s like Asda on steroids and very cheap. We stock up for 6 months on all the major consumable. Must work out about 30% cheaper overall than you best supermarket bargains. But alas they don’t sell tea. Finally manage to get our overloaded trolley to checkout. Come to pay and Wendy’s Master card not  accepted; plan B other master card rejected; plan C my master card rejected. Getting to be fun now. Plan D Chase Debit card – accepted. Obviously don’t like UK cards.

Then it’s off down to Ikea for a free Friends and family coffee and Wendy has some lunch. Unlike UK Ikea’s they have everything in we want – quite refreshing.

Call back into PC Comcast an pick up wifi modem and ADT box. They’ve finally managed to open the storeroom.

Evening spent setting up wifi and extended TV channels. Suffice it to say the saga continues. Instructions are wrong. Oh yes says the call centre lass, with a giggle, we get that a lot, they are confusing – soups spoons for breakfast if you ask me. 4 calls to “Help Lines”. Finally figure out they’ve given me a black ADT, when HBO needs a silver DCT. Oh well another chance to pop in for some stimulating banter with the granite boulder in the Comcast store.

Well we said it would be great to come and live here and experience America and Comcast has certainly been one of those experiences. If you think BT are bad then Comcast takes poor service to a whole new inter galactic level of unimaginable incompetence and frustration, just one visit / interaction generates enough material for a comedy show. I now understand where the Comcast genii in their marketing department came up with the Xfinity logo. Simple. It stars for take the worst possible service you can imagine and multiply it by  infinity and you have a measure of the quality of our service – Xfinity. I can feel a ranting ode to rattle the CEO’s cage coming on.