Monthly Archives: January 2014

20140122 – Tony cooks a S’mores (more domestic serivitude); Wendy splashes out; how to be a pool guy.

Wednesday – another bluebird day but late afternoon we get to seem the first clouds in 10 days. Then it goes colder that the nipples on witches tit. Flat light on the snow and you don’t see the bumps until they hit you.

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Wendy’s off for her first training sessions a volunteer at the hospital. So it’s a late start all round. 4 hours hard skiing for me, with a break for coffee of course. Then we meet up late afternoon to go coat shopping.

Wendy’s seen this black goose down coat she fancies. I’ve already fell off me perch when I did the first thing any man does and look at the price tag. But she really fancies it so she’s going to try it on unencumbered by 7 layers of ski gear and a liberty bodice. Yes, it fits! Yes, it looks good! We’ve had the “want” and “need” discussion and established there’s a need. She struggles with the price, I’m comatosed. Then it’s a decision. Yes she goes for it out.

Another Netflix evening. Watch the Jack Reacher film and discover we’ve already seen it. An age thing, like the goldfish swimming under the bridge in the bowl and thinking umhh thats a nice bridge, one of the few benefits of age and memory problems. Watched Olympus Has Fallen last night an awesome film, a Die Hard on steroids.

Great news for those of us who avoid vegetables and all this healthy food fad:

Eating “five a day” cuts your risk of cancer

The five-a-day campaign was dreamt up in the fields of California in 1988 and was launched on the back of claims that eating more fruit and vegetables would cut your risk of developing IMG 2182cancer.
This has been studied for over 30 years, but no protective effects have been firmly established.”
That said, eating fruit and vegetables does seem to protect against heart disease and other chronic diseases, and is certainly better than eating junk food.

It’s not just muslims who want to ban freedom of expression:

A comedy show about the Bible, which producers say has been endorsed by hundreds of clergy, has been axed from the Theatre at the Mill in Newtownabbey amid claims it was anti-Christian .The Reduced Shakespeare Company was due to kick off its latest UK tour by presenting The Bible: The Complete Word of God (abridged) at the council-run venue. But earlier this month, calls for the show to be cancelled were made by DUP councillors.

We’re well on the way to loosing any free speech.

Thursday – bluebird day. 

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Wendy’s out early, in her new coat, to go for her 2nd training session. Interesting how many volunteers this profit making hospital consumes. They obviously know a good thing when they see it and utilise the free labour to the maximum. Assumedly by now they’ve found out that Wendy’s not on Blue Crystal Meths despite having watched all of Breaking Bad. 

Two weeks now and not a black bin liner anywhere to be seen. Even rarer than clouds. What a refreshing change. Although I have to say the sight of someone skiing or scum boarding in a black or even blue burkha would be a sight of comic proportions. Similar to the YouTube video of someone eating spaghetti in a burkha.

Late morning and lunch time skiing. Meet Wendy around 14:00 and then it’s off for our Park City Mountain Host volunteer interview. Wendy fancies Plaza meet and greet or Marketing where you go round and do surveys. For me I’m more into the being on the mountain but with us being here late in the season it may not work. They’ll let us know. Let’s hope Wendy gets on as she’ll get a free season pass. Then she’ll be skiing every day!

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In the evening Hal, Carol and of course Angela come round for dinner. That little 4 year old has more imagination than all of Disney combined. Tonight out settee and cushions are no longer a rowing boat to cross the Atlantic in, but has turned into a sleigh. Very pleasant evening, good food, good company and the wine wasn’t too bad. Sadly wine and booze in Mormon country is a tad pricey, that’s if you can find the state liquor stores and find one open – more blue laws in direct violation of the 1st Amendment – I think I’ll complain to that Obama geezer.

A few skier and scum boarder jokes:

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Q: Whats the difference between a snowboarder and a vacuum cleaner?A: One is a noisy scumsucker with a bag of air on it. The other is for cleaning your floor with.
This guy walks into a bar at Mt. Baker and says “Hey, you guys wanna hear a snowboarder joke?”The bartender says, “Well, I’m a snowboarder, the guy on your left is a snowboarder, same with the guy on your right, and a couple of folks behind you as well!”.So he says “Ok, I’ll tell it a little more slowly then”
Q: Why do lifties only get a 1/2 hour lunch break?A: Any longer and they need to be retrained.
Q: What do snowboarders use as birth control.A: Their personalities.
Q: How does a snowboarder introduce themselves?A: “Ohhhh – sorry dude!”

Q. What is the difference between an onion and a snowboard? A. You don’t cry when you cut a snowboard in half!

Friday – another bluebird day.

Lazy start to my day, hit the slopes around 10:00. As I get on the ski bus there’s a family of IMG 2190pretty crazy SFF people. They look at me as if I’m some sort of alien astronaut with all my skis and gear. Than the ultimate, well thought out, ultra intelligent question comes. “Are you going skiing?” It’s oh so tempting to say no I’m going crocodile hunting, but the I suppress my Victor alter ego and answer politely.

Wendy’s staying home deafening the neighbours with the click, click of her needles. I manage 3 hours awesome quiet skiing in – see ski track report. Sneak in 11 awesome runs. These skis are really becoming at one with me and the legs aren’t catching fire as much.

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Then it’s back one for coffee and afterwards we have a pleasant sunny walk into town. It’s funny but down in the town you’re at about 6,700 feet and you sure notice the altitude when walking, feels like lugging a sack of hammers on your back. Yet on the mountain you’re up at 9,500 feet and never feel it the same – thankfully. Meanwhile our bodies must be busier than a cat trying to bury s..t on a marble floor, churning out extra red blood cells. Good news is that alcohol is some much more effective.

Well we’ve been here two weeks now and are really feeling settled in and at home. The stork definitely delivered me to the wrong town. Our home here is so very comfortable, a real home from home. We just love the open plan layout; have more bathrooms than we can use; even have an office; great balconies and deck;kitchen has everything we need; just got to try the jacuzzi out. The bed is that comfortable and has an awesome lightweight goose down continental quilt. You just sink into the bed and are warmer than a pikelet in a toaster. Walking and catching the bus is really no hassle and becomes part of this awesome way of life. Standing waiting for a bus with these awesome surroundings and views is a pleasure. We’re out every day doing some activity and yet at home, this time of year, we just feel caged in and IMG 2208suffer from cabin fever as it’s too dam cold, wet, grey and miserable.

Wendy’s really enjoying her hospital volunteering. And of course I’m really enjoying the skiing and being out and about in those awesome mountains.The really great news is that Wendy’s already talking about finding somewhere for 3 months skiing next year.

Q. What were the snowboarder’s last words? A. DUDE, WATCH THIS!!!

Q. Where does a snowboarder hide his money from his roommates?A. Under the soap dish.

On the first day of her vacation, a woman fell and broke her leg. As the doctor examined her, she moaned, “Why couldn’t this have happened on my last day of skiing?” He looked up. “This IS your last day of skiing.” 

Q. What do snowboarders and a human sperm have in common?A. They both have a one in million chance of becoming a human being.

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A guy finds out he needs a brain transplant. The doctor proceeds to show him various brains. One brain, which belonged to a skier, cost $500, the other, which belonged to a boarder, cost $5000. Perplexed, he asked about the price difference.
The doctor replied “Well, the boarder’s brain has never been used!”

Food for thought:

If Muslims stopped killing other Muslims because they belong to a different sect; stopped forcing their chosen practices on other Muslims; tolerated less pious Muslims;did not feel the need to hang, crucify or stone to death apostates; did not feel enraged if other Muslims did not abstain from alcohol or pork, or did not attend the mosque; did not kill men, women and children because they adhered to other faiths; did not blame rape on the length of a woman’s skirt; did not murder their own wives because they spoke to strangers, or their daughters because they 1622850 10152197113768210 444978736 nflirted with boys or because they were raped by rascals; did not wish to start the World War III because some maverick cartoonist drew blasphemous caricatures; did not use suicide bombers to strike terror into the heart of the unbelievers and then think that these very same jihadist would be rewarded with heaven and 70 virgins; did not issue death fatwas because an author wrote a blasphemous book; or did not aim to spread their religion to the entire world, by the sword if necessary, then fighting Islamophobia would be much easier.

Saturday – yet another gorgeous bluebird day.

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Join Hal and Carol for a mornings skiing. Despite not having had any snow for nearly two weeks it’s still in great shape. Hal manages to put me through my paces, with 2.5 hours none stop action, 3 double blues and even start on a Black Diamonds early. Get the legs on fire. Need to stop being so lazy and put in more turns, these guys put in about 3 times as many turns as I do.

Wowsers, have I cracked it. Forget all your faddy, high priced, boring, eat only veggies, give up living diets Try the TESki diet. It’s simple and great fun. According to my ski tracker a mornings skiing = 1,740 Calories (yes the big C’s). Therefore, by my calculations I can enjoy 3 full bottles of red wine, or 5 bottles of lager, each day, and still be well on my way to a svelte like figure.

Home for lunch and then after lunch we take a walk (I really need the exercise) down to the IMG 2213 anyons to have a look around and look for some new ski pants for me. Sat outside around a roaring log fire in brilliant sunshine drinking coffee. I get the chance to do some cooking, more domestic servitude, as there’s free S’mores on offer. Apparently an all American tradition like pumpkin pie and pot roast. Here’s the recipe, two marshmallows toasted on a skewer, then when they’re melting / black you scrape them off onto chocolate on a Grahams cracker and put a Grahams cracker on top to make a marshmallow and melted chocolate sandwich. Quite tasty and best of all they’re free. Mind you I needed a pint of meths to get the melted marshmallow off me.

Wow we’re really getting into the swing of things as we’ve moved Noddy past Big Ears time to 22:00, although Wendy still manages to nod off even during East Enders – not that surprising as its so dam boring.

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More non PC sayings for everyday use and offence to those open minded liberals and progressives (a liberal gone bad) whose brains seem to have fallen out:

Insane People – Mental Explorers; Selectively Perceptive

Insult – Emotional Rape

Janitor – sanitation engineer

Klutz – kinesthetically challenged

Large Nose – nasally gifted

A court in the Pakistani city of Rawalpindi has sentenced a 70-year-old British man to death after convicting him of blasphemy. Muhammad Asghar was arrested in 2010 after writing letters to various people claiming to be a prophet, reports say. His lawyers argued for leniency, saying IMG 5232he has a history of mental illnessl. Asgharn has been diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic and had treatment at the Royal Victoria Hospital in Edinburgh, but the court did not accept his medical reports from the UK, reports say.

Pakistan’s controversial blasphemy laws carry a potential death sentence for anyone deemed to have insulted Islam.

The blasphemy complaint against Asghar was filed by a tenant in his building, after he was given an eviction notice.

His lawyer told the BBC’s Saba Eitizaz that she was forcibly removed from the case by the judge and that proceedings were carried out behind closed doors.

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Foreign aid to this barbaric 3rd world country that also has a nuclear weapons programme and shelters terrorists should be stopped immediately. Yet the clowns in the UK government are planning to double the amount of aid it provides to Pakistan from £267m in 2012-13 to £446m in 2014-15, making it the largest recipient of UK aid. We spent a total of £9.1Billion of foreign aid in 2012. Money we don’t have. The majority going to governments who despise our way of life; have barbaric practices; murder Christians, people of other religions and atheists; reject democracy; have space programmes; nuclear weapons programmes; sponsor terrorism. Obviously our MP’s brains have dropped out. Someone needs to fumigate the houses of parliament to get the smell of stupid out of the furniture in there. I’m just speechless. We should rise up against these idiots.

Sunday – year another gorgeous bluebird day.

Nominate today a lazy day, a day of rest even. Saturdays and Sundays tend to be busier onIMG 2227 the mountain so if we have one day off then these are ideal candidates. Catch the bus into town to seek out some new ski pants. End up buying matching Karbon jacket and pants. I’ve already passed the need test, as my existing gear is just over 9 years old. Even her indoors has two pairs of ski pants for her one day a week debut, whereas my gear has to be washed and dried overnight else I don’t get to ski.

End of Sundance Film Festival today so we say goodbye to all the pretty crazy people and hopefully the Town gets back to normal.

Bloody deer have been again and pinched all the bird food, time for evasive tactics. Test the hot tub for PH and Bromine levels – apparently it dampens the desire for randy activity in the hot tub! Add  a tailored concoction of chemicals, next stop I’ll be a Nobel chemist brewing a batch of blue meth. Then the deck needs a good sweeping as the gutter men have cleaned out the gutters and deposited the residue on the deck – oh the day to day tasks of your average American.

More Liberal taunting Non PC terms:


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Lazy – motivationally dispossessed; motivationally deficient


Learning Disability – Self-Paced Cognitive Ability


Library – Educational Resource Center


Logger – Wood Weasel; Paper Pirate;Treeslayer


Loser – Second Place; uniquely fortuned individual on an alternative career path


Here we go again kicking off and limiting free speech. I wonder who it can be this time:

And all I said to my wife was: That piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah.

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Maajid Nawaz, a Lib Dem PPC in Hampstead and Kilburn, stands accused of committing the thoroughly heinous crime of causing religiously aggravated butthurt in the first degree, the suggested punishment for which appears to be political career death by petition.

At the heart of this is, yet again, a completely innocuous Jesus & Mo cartoon which Maajid clearly considers to be anything but offensive, hence the tweet.

The webcomic Jesus and Mo is a simple one: the two religious figureheads J Christ and Mohammed share a house and discuss matters of religious philosophy, often in arguments with a wise atheist barmaid at their local.

It is, of course, irreligious and arguably blasphemous. (In its very first edition or episode or whatever you call it, Mo points out that it’s forbidden to depict him pictorially. Jesus asks what he’s doing in a cartoon, reasonably enough, and Mo claims he’s a body double.) It’s also very clever, informed by philosophical and religious argument, and — as mentioned — funny.

20140118 – Ski, Ski, Ski. Wendy has a drug test. Those pretty crazy SFF people are everywhere.

Saturday – more bluebird days 40F and clear blue sky. The mountain needs feeding with some more snow.


Pictures are of the Ice Castle we visited last night with Hal, Carol and Angela – our landlords.

Pick car up from Enterprise after yesterdays failed pick up. Mind you one hell of a deal, 3 days at the weekend for $36 and to top it all I get a full size Hyundai Elantra, very swish.

Decide against driving to the ski slopes as it’s absolute mayhem with the Sundance Film Festival so catch the bus in and have a lazy couple of hours skiing. Busy due to all the crotch droppings, but worth it.

In the afternoon it’s the liquor store, Walmart, Bread shop for some of their amazing granola and then Whole foods for a salad. By the time we get back it gone 18:00 so we pass on going to DSC03924 atch the Half Pipe Championships. Try out HBO and pick up a full feature length film with Larry David (Clear History), like a Curb Your Enthusiasm on steroids. Also sample a some beer and wine just to stock me dehydrating.

Sunday – another bluebird day.

Up at the crack of swallows and have the benefit of driving tot he slopes. Not really all that much in it as the bus service is so frequent.

By 10:00 I’ve cracked off 6 awesome runs on corduroy and am ready for a well deserved coffee break. Then pick up another 4 runs and back home well and truly knackered.

Popped into the National Ability Centre to volunteer to take disabled and blind people skiing and in the summer archery – no this is not a joke, they are in blue. The centre here at PC has a Worldwide reputation for excellence in sports for the disabled. Isn’t it neat that they don’t call it a “National Disability Centre” but instead the “National Ability Centre” – mind you DSC03927 ot that they can spell it that well. When you see some of these guys ski you get to understand why they use the word ability. No legs or blind and they put me to shame. 

Then for a bit of exercise with Wendy we go for a 2 hour stroll around town, look in at a great looking Mexican and then it’s Starbucks in PC with all the pretty people. You’d think they were giving it away, coffee that is. The pretty crazy people are posing and marauding everywhere. Interesting you seem to get two distinct sorts the eye candy brigade dolled up to the nines, pretty and don’t they know it.Then you get the nerds who look like they’ve escaped from a deep dark cellar where they operated the IT help desk, dressed by someone from the Salvation army clothes stall a Sartorial Schizophrenia,  and are in such desperate need of some TLC and human contact.

At this rate I’ll be both knackered and asleep by 20:00, another chance to fall asleep over Silent Witness. Will I have the energy to climb the apples and pears as noddy passes big ears – moved to 09:00 these days until we get our high altitude legs.

Monday – another bluebird day.

Is this heaven? Up at 07:00, wondering why so early, is it worth it?


Eagle lift for 09:00, eagerly awaiting opening; Temptation for first run of the day, sun and corduroy; King Kong lift; King Kong; Silverlode lift; Jonesys for virgin corduroy, steep start among those awesome Aspens and then a long smooth well groomed velvetty finish, just like a good coffee; a few more runs then time for coffee. Then more, more, more and home around lunch time after an awesome mornings skiing. 

Is it worth the early start? You bet. All that and awesome mountain scenery for just £5 a day. Beats any gym membership. 

Anyway time to notch up a gear ready for Kurt. Last week was gentle start, just blues. This week need to tackle the double blues and push these old legs in a 16 year olds body some more. Skies are now behaving and feeling very comfortable and at one with them and as for for my 15 year old antique boots, they’re still as responsive and comfortable as the day I bought them. Like a pair of 10lb fur lined slippers. 


Back home and take Wendy down to Salt Lake for her drug test. Salt Lake is covered in smog and you get a terrifying view of it as you drive down from the clear blue skies of the mountains into what looks like a 1950’s pea souper from above.

Yes’ they took just one glance at Wendy at the hospital interview and decided she was a druggy. Typical of her age and the Little Missy jeans were a dead give away. Hopefully they won’t detect the brandy problem! She can manage the pee test but they have to call in a head nurse and then a doctor to get any blood out of her. She comes out with holes in both arms where they tried to get blood out of the stone. Sadly they have no Mickey Mouse plasters.

Take the car back and have a pleasant walk (as if I don’t get enough exercise) back home.


Tuesday – another bluebird day.

Wendy’s hitting the slopes again. She’s that keen she’s 200 yards ahead of me, just galloping to the bus stop. Can’t wait to get on the slopes.

Amazing isn’t it there are all these special SFF buses for the pretty crazy people, and they’re almost always empty and one every 5 minutes. Yet they, the pretty crazy ones, decide to mount the ski bus, so skiers can’t get on. Meanwhile there are empty SFF buses everywhere.

Have a pleasant morning skiing; stop for coffee; then to the corner store for lunch. Wendy has a ginormous Philly Steak sandwich and I can’t resist a Chezc Pilsner. Sinner that I am, as I break the 2nd commandment of retirement – “Thou shalt not drink during the day”. The temptation was just too great after such an awesome and heavenly day.

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Amazing isn’t it in this day and age full of the wonders of IT you get a tab at the end of the meal that doesn’t add up. Can you believe it there are cash machines that can’t add up. Instead of $19.53 it’s $19.55. I point this out to the waitress – one of those Victor moments. No of course it’s right she says. No it isn’t says Victor. She goes back in and comes out with the tab, still wrong but 2 cents for me. The manager says it just rounds the bill automatically. And just by coincidence it rounds up. Hmm! It’s not the 2 cents it’s the principle, they could at least warn about rounding on the tab and better still round down.

Mind you at least this tab doesn’t do the maths for an 18%, 20% and 22% tip. Gone are the days IMG 2158 of being content with 10%, easy on the brain, or 15%, a tad more taxing, for really great service. Funny old thing isn’t is, everyone screams highway robbery at taxes that at least in theory go to improve society, yet accept without even a glance at a calculator a 20% tip. So the other night our waitress must have dolled out at least 3 tabs an hour at say an average of $60, thats $180 at 20%, thats $36 an hour, plus assumedly minimum wage of say $7 an hour giving a total of $43 per hour at a 37.5 hour week for 48 weeks thats $77,000 pa. Average wage is $44, not bad if you can get it. Sadly we (yes both of us not just me) really struggle with this tipping lark although I have to admit that service here is so much better IMG 2167than in the UK, but 10% is my  normal limit for good service, it must be the English Victor in me.

Well that’s enough of the Victor moments for the day, better quit while I’m still intact. Time to go home and finish clearing the deck. Play with the awesome snow blower that just blows all leaves and loose snow off the deck.