Tag Archives: Aussie Jokes

20121018 – Melbourne City

Thursday – I think. Warm and sunny.

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We take the Hertz Mobile back to the airport. It’s on the other side of town and to avoid a Hertz handling charge of $40 plus toll fees we programme the sat nav to no toll roads. Being software it didn’t understand. But we swerve dangerously off and avoid the toll. 

Mind you she, yes I use the feminine for good DSCF6598reason, decides that the alternative route is smack bang through the centre of Melbourne. It would have bend quicker to drive back to the Outback and back into town. 90 minutes later we get to the airport.

Now for the difficult bit. Just one sign amongst the many others indicates where the car rental return is. 3 times around the airport and we finally find it. The inside of the car is full of feathers and spit. “Only 3 times around, you did better than most.” says Mr Hertz.

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Yet another complete and utter lack of common sense. i’d like to think the numbskull responsible for signposts at the airport is reading this. Must be the Worlds only living brain donor. In the ideal World he’d be fed to the Lions at a Colosseum for Saturday afternoon entertainment – stop him breeding and passing on his stupidity gene. Failing that may his ears turn to arseholes and shit on his shoulders.

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Then the dumb arse who did the signs outside, must have done the ones inside the airport. Doh were’s the dunny?

Catch the bus into Melbourne and then have a pleasant walk along the river. It’s all very pleasant apart from the smell coming from what appears to be effluence (shit) gushing into the river.

Have yet another exotic lunch and a coffee at Southgate, up stream from the stench. All very nice and relaxing.

Have a general walk around and down to the Botanical gardens. 

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Then stop for coffee, people watching and earwigging on some Germans – unlike the French at least you stand a chance of understanding them. Don’t you just love those heels and stockings?

Buy our MyKi card – $6 each – and then you have to “load money onto it”. It’s the only way to travel on the metro or buses. Catch the metro back to Glen Waverley and then a bus onto our estate – takes about 90 minutes.

How’s this for a Mother-in-law from hell:

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A young woman was beheaded, by her husband of 4 months and her Mother-in-law, after refusing her Mother-i-laws perfectly reasonable request that she become a prostutute.

I’ll leave it to your imaginations to the country and the families religious persuausion.

Scientists in Canada have found that PMT in women has been over estimated and may not be the cause of women’s bad moods! They said women tended to blame everything on PMT.

Meanwhile in Chorley, thats the Lancashire one:

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A blind 61 year old man shuffling along at a snails pace was hit with a 50,000 volt taser gun after police mistook his white stick for a samurai sword. Then to add insult to blind stupidity the police handcuffed him while he was on the ground with his white stick beside him.

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello..
He’s rather taken aback, because he can’t place where he knows her from.
So he says, “Do you know me?” To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,
“My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my Document1buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt???
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, “No, I’m your son’s math teacher”.

 

“LOVE MAKING”
The Italian says, “When I’ve a finished a makina da love withah my wife,I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees,she floats 6 inches above a da bed in ecstacy.”
The Frenchman replies. “Zat is noting, when Ah’ve finished making ze love with ze wife,Ah kiss allze way down her body, and zen Ah lick za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue, and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy.”
The Aussie says, “That aint nothing, mate! When I’ve finished rootin’ the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe me dick on the curtains. She hits the freakin’ ceiling.”

 

How’s this for the ultimate in tidy desktops. Mind you I’ve seen similar – yes you know who you are!