Monthly Archives: October 2015

20151025 – Cry God for Harry, England and St George; Is This The Friendliest Town In America?

Sunday – hot, humid and slightly overcast.

Agincourt 600th Anniversary – Cry God for Harry, England and St George – I hope you’re all out having street parties to celebrate this victory over the French.

At last a gator. Only a little un..

At last a gator. Only a little un..

As usual a lazy morning. After all it is Sunday.

Drive down to Huntington Beach State park. Have our lavish lunch. Followed by a stroll to the beach – much quite than Surfside. Then we have a walk across the causeway. Get to see the usual Herons and finally a couple of alligators.

When you look in all this marshland there doesn’t seem to be much wildlife, but on closer inspection of the mud it’s all teaming with life, especially the mini- crabs.


My sorry sense of humour

DSC_6091 (1)It seems that yet again another budget crisis is looming in America. Really think it’s about time we took back this country, as they are clearly not capable of even balancing the economy:

In the light of your failure to set sensible budgets and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Oklahoma, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable David Cameron, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

DSC_6167You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium”. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour’, skipping the letter ‘U’ is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter ‘Z’ (pronounced ‘zed’ not ‘zee’) and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise”. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh is pronounced ‘burra’ e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you can’t cope with correct pronunciation.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary”. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up “interspersed”.


Rant of the day

It looks like the English Bill of Rights 1689 – An Act Declaring the Rights and Liberties of the Subject and Settling the Succession of the Crown – is the progenitor of the American 2nd Amendment:

“That the subjects which are Protestants may have arms for their defence suitable to their conditions and as allowed by law.”

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It’s all our fault, sad to see such religious discrimination.


 

Monday – hot with sun and cloud.

 

DSC_6151 (1)Drive up to Wilmington in North Carolina.

Start off with a trolley tour. Well apart from the USS North Carolina, the main reason for our visit, Wilmington doesn’t have that much to offer. The trolley tour reveals a lot of lovely old house, most of them with plaques on to indicate their historical significance. Black plaque for over 75 years old and brown for over 100. Still has a lot of cobbled streets and a quaint old town with not real that much to offer. The river walk seems to be about the best of the old town.

DSC_6144 (1)One of the unique aspects of the trolley tour is our driver / guide. He really is some throwback to the 18th century, with a vocabulary fresh from the bowels of the full 18 volume Oxford English Dictionary. He even requests that we not talk during the tour – well that’s no hardship, since when do married couples talk. Although silencing our smart phones is going to be a tribulation that will have all 4 customers clutching for the silk edged bunking blanket.

A truly Verbose trolley tour with such verbal treats as “please allow me to direct your attention……”; “One would observe……”; “Preface this information…….” along with such juicy words as “edifice” and “facades”. Quite a character.

Oh and by the way I’m so grateful to the New Yorker who told me “I gave him a $5 tip”. Well bully for you, what has that got to do with the price of bread in Albania?

DSC_6100Do a tour of the battleship USS North Carolina that saw action in World War 2 and is now moored as a memorial to the heroes of WW2 in Wilmington, North Carolina. Really interesting self guided tour. So self guided that once you get below decks it’s a minor miracle if you ever find your way back out. “I’m sure we’ve been through here 3 times already!” Hidden behind the very next bulk head you expect to come across whole families of skeletons, a veritable below decks Donna party.

We finally make it to the surface and start to climb the external superstructure.

Scuttle but.

These little beauties can lob a 16" shell 23 miles.

These little beauties can lob a 16″ shell 23 miles.

Overnight in yet another Comfort Suite. Get a king bedded suite, with sofa, desk, fridge and microwave. Including good wifi, now that’s rarer than a web site with no bugs, and free hot breakfast – yeah waffle machine here I come. All for $90 – £60.

Now this is a first for a hotel. After 10 minutes in our room we gat a call from reception to check whether everything is ok with our room. What cracking good customer service. I’m truly impressed.

Find a great American diner for dinner, they serve the best Reuben’s I’ve ever had:


My sorry sense of humour

Pack em in like sardines.

Pack em in like sardines.

More new rules for America:

There will be no more ‘bleeps’ in the Jerry Springer show. If you’re not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn’t have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won’t have to use bad language as often.

There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize”.

DSC_6180 (1)You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents – Scottish dramas such as “Taggart” will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we’re talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is “Devon”.

If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become “shires” e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

In charge of all that firepower. Thats what you get when you give them the vote. Worrying.

In charge of all that firepower. Thats what you get when you give them the vote. Worrying.

Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as “Men Behaving Badly” or “Red Dwarf” will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can’t cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

You should relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out task learning the pronunciation guidelines above. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

Wilmington.

Wilmington.

You should stop playing American “football”. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American “football” is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays “American” football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game.

Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2025.

One of the many swish homes in Wilmington historic district.

One of the many swish homes in Wilmington historic district.

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the ‘World Series’ for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls’ game called “rounders” which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

Rant of the day

Net Neutrality:


 

Tuesday – warm and rain, catching the tail end of yet another hurricane.

 

Wendy meets the Yetti. Just the suit you need for a spot of poaching.

Wendy meets the Yetti. Just the suit you need for a spot of poaching.

Hot hotel breakfast and lazy morning. Nothing else really much to do so we set off back to Myrtle Beach.

Lashed out on an audio book to try whilst we’re driving these long, long roads. Chose Tom Sharpe’s “The Gropes”.

Call in at Piggly Wiggly – a rather unfortunate name for a supermarket – but this one in the Market Commons is very up market. Almost mistake it for a Wholefoods. Wendy gets very excited about it.

Klan cross burning in a town near here.

Klan cross burning in a town near here.

Just watched a programme on the Klu Klux Klan. They believe auschwitz was a summer camp for the Jews, with swimming pools and coffee shops. Grand dragon of the KKK believe White people went to Africa, mated with gorillas and produced black people.

They’re the ISIS of the American Christian World. A sad bunch of racist morons but protected by the first amendments, freedom of speech. Much as you may hate their vile philosophy you have to worry how we in the UK are loosing our freedom of speech rights.

They have some awesomely stupid titles. Grand Dragon; Klabee – treasurers; Klavern – local organization; Imperial
Kligrapp – secretary; Imperial Kludd – chaplain. Then best of all they have the Kloran – ritual book.

Ridiculous and dangerous. The real worry is that the way Islam and associated terrorism is going this sort of madness could take root in the UK.


My sorry sense of humour

More new rules for America:

You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. “Merde” is French for “shit”. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys.

You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don’t believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called “Indecisive Day”.

All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren’t even French, they are Belgian, though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps”. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat.

The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.


Rant of the day

A voice of reason. A voice of common sense. A voice of experience.

Does the EU, especially Frau Merkell the unappointed dictator of the EU, not appreciate that accepting these migrants encourages yet more to risk their lives. We are not doing them any favours.


 

Wednesday – warm but torrential rain.

 

Conway river walk.

Conway river walk.

Sat after breakfast watching the torrential rain. Another real frog strangler.

After lunch we have a drive up to Conway, a small town on the unpronounceable river. Call in at a giant Mall on the way.

Have a coffee at the River Town Roasters on Main. Coffee shop, served by a lady with a passion for her job as a barista. A work of art as she prepares my Dirty Chai, with a money where her mouth is guarantee. “If you don’t like it you don’t pay for it.”

Conway has to be the friendliest town in America. Everyone we meet is so friendly. In the coffee shop a guy from the Chamber of Commerce gets chatting to us and phones into the his office to ask them to get a goody bag ready for Wendy. He insists we call in for it.

This has to be the best coffee shop. The friendliest. In the friendliest town.

This has to be the best coffee shop. The friendliest. In the friendliest town.

Have a walk along the river. Quaint little small town America with pleasant river walk, friendly people and a coffee shop run by a barista with a passion for coffee.

Wendy’s orgasmic with her goody bag from the Conway Chamber of Commerce. She just loves freebies like this. Any way her goody bag contains 2 Shopping bag; calendar; notepad; 5 fridge magnets; letter opener; 4 note padsHand sanitiser; first aid kit; 2 tee shirts; mouse pad; 3 drink coolers; 3 cups; pill box; plastic wallet; fan; sample face cream; sample perfume; 3 pencils; 8 pens.


My sorry sense of humour

Conway town hall. Quaint and friendly town.

Conway town hall. Quaint and friendly town.

More new rules for America:

The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer”, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager”. The substances formerly known as “American Beer” will henceforth be referred to as “Near-Frozen Knat’s Urine”, with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be
referred to as “Weak Near-Frozen Knat’s Urine”. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or “Gasoline” as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2016) prices within the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the
Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $10/US gallon – get used to it).

So tell me Mummy why am I so fat? Why are we all so fat?

So tell me Mummy why am I so fat? Why are we all so fat?

You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). Thank you for your cooperation.

Lines to become queues, yes we know it is abit more difficult to spell.

Passport control will forwith have 80% of the desks open for British Nationals, the remaining 20% can be used for Americans and the rest of the world.

All restrooms will be relabelled and referred to as toilets. If you need to rest so much then they should either open lounges with beds and settees (you can look this word up and then use it as the replacement for the word sofa).

All prices will be displayed including the tax, rather than your ludicrous habit of displaying the price without the tax and then asking for the tax inclusive price. Anybody found flaunting this rule will be deported to an EC country where they can really appreciate the meaning of pointless bureacracy.

You will learn how to brew and serve tea properly. Boiling water and milk, anyone found serving cream or half and half in a cup of tea will be sent to our penal colony – Australia. All coffee, apart from that served in specialised coffe shops, will be labelled WWWBW – weak wishy washy brown water. Americans are not really coffee conniseurs – look it up.

Food portions will immediately be halfed, lets try going for quality not quantity. This should also help with your obesity problem – look it up.

Finally to the Kyoto Protocol and global warming. You will immediately sack all your environmental scientific advisers, sign up for and implement the Kyoto Protocol, all members of congress and the senate will appear in the adverts admitting that global warming is a reality. In addition you will all acknowledge Darwins theory of evolution and stop bending science to meet your political ends.


Rant of the day


Religious rant of the day

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Draft Constitution for Virginia (June 1776). TJ again one really smart cookie.

20151022 – Myrtle Beach; Wot No Alligators; What Goes On After Dark?

Thursday – hot and sunny.

 

Myrtle Beach - a sort of poor mans Blackpool without the drunken louts and Kiss Me Quick floozies.

Myrtle Beach – a sort of poor mans Blackpool without the drunken louts and Kiss Me Quick floozies.

Another lazy day starts off with an early, well 11:00 is early for us, stroll down the beach.

This beach is lovely, but certainly no South of France topless beach, thank god. There’s that many Walrus’s, if they were topless it would have you fleeing to the nearest monastery and begging for admission for the rest of your days. It really is enough to put you off sex, food, and even wine, for life.

After lunch we actually go down to the beach and sit and read for an hour. May not sound that impressive but we’re not really beach, sand and sea people. First time in 2 years. I can’t believe how many jollux’s there are, must be a mega weight watchers convention.


My sorry sense of humour

More good news on red wine from Bill Maher:


Rant of the day


Religious rant of the day

IMG_4451


 

Friday – very hot and sunny.

 

Myrtle Beach pier.

Myrtle Beach pier.

Let’s go down to Myrtle Beach. It turns out we’re at Surfside beach. Well thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster we’re not at Myrtle beach – it’s like a poor imitation of Blackpool. Not a whiff of a Starbucks.

It’s too hot to be walking.

Park up, have a hours walk around the boardwalk looking for somewhere for Wendy to have lunch. Give up. Drive down to an area called the Commons. Now this is more like it. No tat; no big wheel; no greasy spoon bars and grills; no amusements; no beach, but who gives a dam. It’s a bit like the up market Disney villages, obviously where all your YUPPIES live. It’s Starbucks land. Even have a shop selling Apple Macs etc.

The American answer to sugar tax, have a store dedicated to sugar. There's not a weight watchers convention on after all, they've all been in here.

The American answer to sugar tax, have a store dedicated to sugar. There’s not a weight watchers convention on after all, they’ve all been in here.

Lights out for caravaners. We’re confused! From our balcony we overlook this massive beachside caravan pretty full of motor homes, each one BIG enough to have an indoor bowling alley. Yet as soon as it goes dark not a single light can be seen from any of them. Now it’s certainly not through lack of power, these mobile gin palaces have every modern convenience you could conceive of, ranging from air conditioning, electric golf carts to save them from having to walk anywhere, through to power assisted chairs and vibrating beds.

George Town Rice Museum. The mind boggles. Almost enough to make you go in.

George Town Rice Museum. The mind boggles. Almost enough to make you go in.

What’s going on after dark? Are they all under the bed covers copulating away like rabbits, I very much doubt it, most of these need one of those under car bomb detection mirrors to even get a glimpse of their genitalia beneath that mountain of adipose tissue they refer to as a belly. Are they afraid of being bombed by ISIS and have air raid wardens checking no lights showing? Do they all belong to some obscure religious sect who believes in being in bed by sunset? Are they all out somewhere partying and wife swapping as soon as it gets dark? Are they all that exhausted from their exertions of sun bathing all day that they’re asleep?


My sorry sense of humour


Rant of the day

How to screw a planet:


 

Saturday – hot and sunny.

 

Duck.

Duck.

Beautiful swamp, who'd have thought it.

Beautiful swamp, who’d have thought it.

I’m up at the crack of dawn and off out to go Kayaking in the Cypress Tupelo Swamp / Waccamaw river. Even have to get my own breakfast – what is the World coming to.

Have a great 2 hour kayak tour with Chris and Jane. It’s a group tour, but I’m the only one on it so get the personal treatment. See plenty of birds, including my old friend the Pileated Woodpecker, along with water snakes and turtles, but alas no gators. It’s awesome being out soon the water such great scenery and we’re the only ones out there. When I get back home I really must look into getting a kayak, it’s great fun and so relaxing.

Kayaking in the swamp.

Kayaking in the swamp.

For the afternoon we drive down to George town and have a pleasant stroll along the historic – probably means it’s all of 10 years old – harbour district.

Finally come across a Starbucks on the way back. Not just any Starbucks but one with a Clover machine and the bank account draining reserve coffees. Try a Jamaica Blue Mountain – a guaranteed way to fritter away the kids inheritance. Reckoned to be the best coffee in the World.

George Town historic harbour district.

George Town historic harbour district.


My sorry sense of humour

Bill Maher on flossing:

You may well mock English dentistry but at least we’re not all wandering around with a horses mouth full of teeth the size of gravestones, so bright that everyone needs to wear welding goggles to avoid irreparable blindness.


Rant of the day

And for how long have I been banging on about this and the ridiculous levels of subsidies on solar panels:

I really do like the cut of this guys gib, but he talks so much common sense he’ll never succeed in politics.


Religious rant of the day

RICHARD DAWKINS takes on ISLAM on Al Jazeera TV

Interesting debate on atheism and religion.