Tag Archives: Melbourne

20121025 – An Apple A Day

Thursday – warm, sun and cool, rain. Yes typical Melbourne mixture. At least we see the sun.


Lazy day after all our tourism. After lunch we nip into the large Chadstone Mall. Wendy wants a pair of black leggings and we want to call in the Apple Store – sad Melbourne city doesn’t have one.

Wendy wants to find out about the new iPad, not the mini. But it seems the only way to get one on launch day is to come and queue. Told “it’s a fantastic atmosphere”. May be an Apple fan but I doubt we’re that keen – much too early in the morning. Pity because we can save £48.

I want to replace my Mac AIr as it’s running out Hero slide1of disk space. Was going for the 13″ Mac Air but yesterday they launched a 13″ Mac Book Pro with retina display and it’s only 8 ounces heavier than the Mac Air. 256Gb SDD; 8Gb RAM; Intel i5 2.5GHz. I can save £400 after GST rebate. Even after my UK educational rebate there’s still £231 to be saved – rip off Britain. 

It’s a lovely piece of kit and so sprightly. Temptation. I weaken.

Apple geezer sets it up for me. This place must be nerds heaven.

Promo lead macbookproQuiet day so will leave with some jokes:Anyone want to buy a Mac Air 11″; 4Gb RAM; 128Gb SDD (Flash drive); 1.6GHz Intel Core 2 Duo. In good condition. One careful loving owner. A lovely piece of kit, so small and light, ideal for travel. 

Bruce and Sheila are having a huge domestic argument.
Bruce yells; when you’re dead, I’ll get abloody tombstone for you that says; here she lies, cold as ever…
To which Sheila responds; and I’ll get a f***ing tombstone for you that says; here he lies, stiff at last….

A 70 year old millionaire brags at the golfclub that soon he is getting married to a gorgeous 20 year old blonde.
His mate says how the hell did you get a 20 year old sheila at your age, you’re bloody 70, did you lie about your age?
Yes, he admits, I did, I told her I was 90 !!

A plumber gets called out of bed in the middle of the night by his doctor.
My toilet is blocked and it is flowing over and flooding the house and there’s shit everywhere! Come quick!
To which the plumber replies; no worries mate, just chuck an aspirine in the bowl and call me in the morning! 

Only in Australia….can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Australia … do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Australia … do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.
Only in Australia … do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Australia … do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.


20121018 – Melbourne City

Thursday – I think. Warm and sunny.


We take the Hertz Mobile back to the airport. It’s on the other side of town and to avoid a Hertz handling charge of $40 plus toll fees we programme the sat nav to no toll roads. Being software it didn’t understand. But we swerve dangerously off and avoid the toll. 

Mind you she, yes I use the feminine for good DSCF6598reason, decides that the alternative route is smack bang through the centre of Melbourne. It would have bend quicker to drive back to the Outback and back into town. 90 minutes later we get to the airport.

Now for the difficult bit. Just one sign amongst the many others indicates where the car rental return is. 3 times around the airport and we finally find it. The inside of the car is full of feathers and spit. “Only 3 times around, you did better than most.” says Mr Hertz.


Yet another complete and utter lack of common sense. i’d like to think the numbskull responsible for signposts at the airport is reading this. Must be the Worlds only living brain donor. In the ideal World he’d be fed to the Lions at a Colosseum for Saturday afternoon entertainment – stop him breeding and passing on his stupidity gene. Failing that may his ears turn to arseholes and shit on his shoulders.


Then the dumb arse who did the signs outside, must have done the ones inside the airport. Doh were’s the dunny?

Catch the bus into Melbourne and then have a pleasant walk along the river. It’s all very pleasant apart from the smell coming from what appears to be effluence (shit) gushing into the river.

Have yet another exotic lunch and a coffee at Southgate, up stream from the stench. All very nice and relaxing.

Have a general walk around and down to the Botanical gardens. 


Then stop for coffee, people watching and earwigging on some Germans – unlike the French at least you stand a chance of understanding them. Don’t you just love those heels and stockings?

Buy our MyKi card – $6 each – and then you have to “load money onto it”. It’s the only way to travel on the metro or buses. Catch the metro back to Glen Waverley and then a bus onto our estate – takes about 90 minutes.

How’s this for a Mother-in-law from hell:


A young woman was beheaded, by her husband of 4 months and her Mother-in-law, after refusing her Mother-i-laws perfectly reasonable request that she become a prostutute.

I’ll leave it to your imaginations to the country and the families religious persuausion.

Scientists in Canada have found that PMT in women has been over estimated and may not be the cause of women’s bad moods! They said women tended to blame everything on PMT.

Meanwhile in Chorley, thats the Lancashire one:


A blind 61 year old man shuffling along at a snails pace was hit with a 50,000 volt taser gun after police mistook his white stick for a samurai sword. Then to add insult to blind stupidity the police handcuffed him while he was on the ground with his white stick beside him.

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello..
He’s rather taken aback, because he can’t place where he knows her from.
So he says, “Do you know me?” To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,
“My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my Document1buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt???
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, “No, I’m your son’s math teacher”.


The Italian says, “When I’ve a finished a makina da love withah my wife,I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees,she floats 6 inches above a da bed in ecstacy.”
The Frenchman replies. “Zat is noting, when Ah’ve finished making ze love with ze wife,Ah kiss allze way down her body, and zen Ah lick za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue, and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy.”
The Aussie says, “That aint nothing, mate! When I’ve finished rootin’ the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe me dick on the curtains. She hits the freakin’ ceiling.”


How’s this for the ultimate in tidy desktops. Mind you I’ve seen similar – yes you know who you are!