Monthly Archives: November 2013

20131124 – Lazy Days Aboard My Kayak

Sunday – hot and sunny.

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PS that’s it, no more crab or shellfish. Creatures that Filter 50 gallons of polluted water a day do my digestive system no favours. I’ve now probably got enough mercury in me to become a thermometer and enough lead to be a battery.

We both take a bike ride down to Starbucks for a leisurely, free, pumpkin spiced latte. No cream on top as a gesture to diet. Why free? Well they screwed up last time, and unsolicited gave me a free voucher as an apology. They may not pay tax, but they do have a good attitude to customer service, so the Victor in me can lie dormant.

Beware low flying palm fronds today. As we sit on the patio at Starbucks they rain down on unsuspecting passers by. Luckily no one injured but they’d certainly pole axe you.

More unnerving courtesy from drivers as they even reverse out of the way for cyclists if they’re blocking the pavement while trying to exit. 

After that a light lunch. 9 grapes, I’ve already had enough calories from that giant latte – well it was free, and it’d been un-American not to have a big ne.

Then it’s off out for a tour in the kayak. Wendy sticks to the knitting. Pity as she would have been really useful as ballast in the front of this two man (gender specific) kayak. Make it so much easier to steer and paddle. Really doesn’t know what she missing, like getting within 6 foot of an osprey. Any closer than that and he clearly doesn’t want to share the big fish he’s greedily keeping in his claws. Plenty more big rich houses and boats. The one thing that seems to be lacking is people.

How lucky can you get. This is the life. As I get up close and personal with a dolphin, any closer and he’ll be on my lap or vice versa.

Thought for the day, from aboard my kayak. If I’d not seen the light, the thought of those lunatics running the asylum, I could still be working for the evil empire for at least another 13 months, 
 hanging in there like loose teeth, before me gold watch ceremony! 

Whoopee 17:00. Break open a classic beer – Warsteiner – and get me $20 black box of Merlot on standby – quality wine. Hopefully can anaesthetise me taste buds before having to eat me weekly IMG 1765Sunday vegetables / greens – allegedly they’re good for me. Never mind soon be junk food Monday.

Good news. It seems that either god or Wendy has been reading my blog draft. No greens today, instead I get me favourite vegetable – yes, I do have one – sweetcorn.

How to describe a women. The non PC version of course:

Her breasts will never sag, they will lose their vertical hold.

She does not get drunk, she is accidentally over served or she becomes verbally dyslexic.

She does not get PMS, she becomes hormonally homicidal.

She does not hate sports on TV, she is athletically biased.

She does not have a great butt, she is gluteus to the maximus.

She does not have a hard body, she is anatomically inflexible.

New headline – Cameron to defy EU on migrants. Has he finally grown some gonads? Will common sense prevail? Don’t hold your breath. We’re more likely to see Christmas carols led by Abdullah bin Abdulaziz bin Abdulrahman bin Faisal bin Turki bin Abdullah bin Muhammad bin Saud (Saudi king geezer to give him his full name) around a Christmas tree in a pub in Saudi, than have the EU kicked into touch.

Afghan government officials have proposed reintroducing public stoning as a punishment for adultery, Human Rights Watch said, even though the practice has been denounced both inside and outside the country as one of the most repugnant symbols of the Taliban regime.The sentence for married adulterers, along with flogging for unmarried offenders, appears in a draft revision of the country’s penal code being managed by the ministry of ‘justice’.

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Am I surprised?

Monday – warm, sun and plenty of cloud.

Drive down to Fort Myers to see what it has to offer. Not a lot is the answer, apart from more law firms than there are inmans issuing ridiculous fatwas. However they do have these guys and galls wandering around in shorts and bright yellow tee shirts with the words “Parking  Ambassador” splashed across their back. I’ll give you one guess what their function is? Traffic wardens – only in America.

Call in at Miramar Outlets to see if Michael Kors, we don’t know him personally, has Wendy’s Christmas dress in. Sadly no just a load of old tat. I have leisurely Starbucks and some blobby watching whilst Wendy has a browse in peace. Seems like the place is full of last years tat.

Here we have up to 990 channels of mind numbing mush, dominated by adverts so long that you can cook a 3 course meal during each one and nothing worth even channel hopping for. TV to pick your nose to.

A small comment on American coffee. It all, and I do mean all, used to be brown coloured flavourless pinklewater, with not even the taste of rancid dishwater to distinguish it. Now thanks to Starbucks and a few good followers / imitators it seems that there’s been an American coffee industry epiphany. They’ve discovered that coffee can have flavour, be strong and have a real kick to it. It has resulted in a culture of coffee zealots – an ironic biblical reversal of a zealot having an epiphany.

Let’s hope that in the not too distant future they can have an epiphany and discover good lager / beer.

Now here’s a PC term from the progressive dhimmis in the Obama administration:

Global War on Terror – Overseas Contingency Operation.

How to describe a women. The non PC version of course:

She does not have a killer body, she is terminally attractive.

She does not have big hair, she is overly aerosoled.

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She does not have big hooters, her cups runneth over.

She does not have great cleavage or a great rack, her breasts are centrally located.

She does not have sexy lips, she is collagen dependent.

She does not shave her legs, she experiences temporary stubble reduction.

How wrong can you be about something so mind numbingly trivial:

The British Hen Welfare Trust. Re-homes commercial laying hens. Some 393,684 re-homed to date. Educates the public about how they can make a difference to hen welfare. Can you believe it? Surely someones having a laugh. Patrons include the chef Jamie Oliver and actress Amanda Holden. It says all hens should be given access to the outdoors and wants farmers to convert to small scale free-range systems.Yet research by an independent expert on animal welfare has found that the average free-range laying hen enjoys a lower standard of welfare than one kept in a cage.

Goldfish for jam jars.

And who says Angola is a backward, third World country. They’re certainly not stupid:

Angola has reportedly declared Islam illegal and ordered for all of the country’s mosques to be closed down. Minister of culture Rosa Cruz e Silva said that mosques in the largely Christian country would be closed until further notice. She described Islam as a sect that would be banned as counter to Angolan customs and culture.

Looks like I’ll be adding it to my TripAdvisor bucket list!

Tuesday – starts off cloudy, is this going to be a Belthorn day? No by 10:00 suns out and we’re heading to the 80’s, again.

Bike down to the local museum. Very swish. Very small. Very free. Learn a lot about the Calusa indians. They died out before the white man had chance to rob them of their land and commit genocide. No one knows why. Was it disease from the conquistadors and their animals? Was it climate? Or did they know that they would be herded to some barren desert land, given a casino to run and their days would be numbered in the 20th century? 

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Also get a good historical understanding of how Marco Island was developed or exploited depending upon which side of the eco PC fence you sit. Take it from us as we cycle, cruise in HMSS Black Pig and kayak around, it’s a veritable civilised paradise. Although it does lack a Taco Bell. By far the nicest place we’ve been to in Florida.

By way of a change we call in at Starbucks. Another free coffee courtesy of the offer on my empty coffee bag. Sit and people watch. How come the guy in a stunning blue open top SL550, yes I’m drooling with envy at the car, has a disabled sticker, you have to be fit to get in and out of one? Is that the Michelin women whose just bulged by on her collapsing bike in, her fat fold hugging blue lycra, complete with cellulite dimples as deep as sink holes?

Lazy afternoon around the pool, with Pat Condell and Jeremy Clarkson for comfort. How I love their rants. Should be compulsory reading in all English literature and religious studies classes.

Now how to describe a man, non PC version of course to maintain equality and balance:

He does not have a beer gut; he develops a Liquid Grain Storage Facility. 

He does not: Hog the blankets He is: Thermally unappreciative

He is not: Unsophisticated He is: Socially malformed

He does not: Eat like a pig He suffers from: Reverse bulimia

He is not: A sex machine He is: Romantically automated

He is not a: Male chauvinist pig He has: Swine empathy

He is not: Quiet He is a: Conversational minimalist

How embarrassing:

Thank you for contacting the BBC iPlayer Support Team. 

“We understand that you feel it is unnecessary to be asked if you have installed BBC iPlayer Downloads every time you try to download a programme.

This message is seen as we haven’t determined a way to successfully detect whether the software is installed.”

Typical BBC iPlayer crap. About time they employed some proper programmers, a good tester, an HCI expert and someone with some common sense.

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Baroness Warsi, our unelected “Minister for Faith”, in a speech at Georgetown University in Washington on Friday, stated that the UK is “committed to working with the United Nations Human Rights Council to implement Resolution 16/18. “We are? Can anyone remember agreeing to this dhimmi idea?

She then went on to make this hilarious statement: “The Organisation of Islamic Cooperation (OIC) also remains a key partner in our quest to promote religious freedom.” She’s obviously either that stupid and ignorant of the atrocities and human right violations perpetrated in the name of religion in islamic states, in which case she shouldn’t even be allowed out to walk a dog never mind spout up for this country. Or she is doing that convenient muslim thing of taqiyya, lying to non-believers – permitted according to the Koran.

Should we laugh or cry? Resolution 16/18, mainly a ban on blasphemy, another nail in the Free Speech coffin, is a proposal which received the support of the United States back in 2011, it calls upon UN member states to combat “intolerance, negative stereotyping and stigmatization of, and discrimination, incitement to violence and violence against, persons based on religion or belief.” It was initially introduced in March 2011 at the UN Human Rights Council by the OIC. This coterie, dominated by Islamist states, had made several previous attempts to have a resolution passed which aimed to criminalise “defamation of religions” but had failed. This time, due to some clever re-wording, the tactic worked and non-binding resolution was agreed.

Interesting how this could backfire on islamic states who persecute Christians etc. Mind you not that they’ll bother with that bit of it, but instead just use it as another excuse to throw their toys out the pram, riot, threaten, kill and squeal like a stuck pig (Expression offensive? Tough) any time the religion of permanent offence is quite rightly criticised.

So here’s my promise. Once all the islamic states have fully implemented resolution 16 / 18, including prosecution of violators then I’ll shout the benefits of 16 / 18 from the top of the highest minaret in Blackburn. Don’t bother to take your iPhone ear pods out this millennium.

Wednesday –  Wow that was some storm overnight, thunder, lightning, a deluge, the works. Fortunately the weather here has the good sense to keep the rain etc to night time.

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Lazy morning. No farmers market trip today. 

Even lazier afternoon reading around the pool.

Sorry there’s not much in the way of photos so instead I’ve posted some totally inappropriate, non PC joke pictures after Wendy’s seditious face book posting.

Now some good news. Don’t have a colour for good news, it’s so rare. Apparently Britain risks being seen as the “nasty country” of Europe if it presses ahead with unilateral curbs on benefit payments to new migrants from the European Union, a top EU official warned today.

Bring it on, lets go all out to create an image worse than Taliban dominated Afghanistan complete with roaming gangs of xenophobic fascist gangs and black death, plague and pestilence endemic in all corners of the realm. Perhaps we should spend a bob or two with Satchi and Satchi to really push the image.That should keep the buggers out.

Bad news is they’re not really tough enough. Simple until you’ve paid in for a few years (the more the merrier) you’re entitled to nought, zero, nada, zilch.

Now how to describe a man, non PC version of course to maintain equality and balance:

You do not: Undress him with your eyes You have a: Introspective pornographic moment

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He is not: Afraid of commitment He is: Monogamously challenged

He does not have a: Fabulous rear end He has achieved: Buttocks perfection

He is not: Stupid He suffers from: Minimal cranial development

He does not: Get lost all the time He discovers: Alternative destinations

He is not: Balding He is in: Follicle regression

You really do have to laugh at these latest fatwas from Egypt, issued by Muslim Brotherhood and Salafis, they regard women as strange creatures created solely for sex. They considered the voices of women, their looks and presence outside the walls of their homes an ‘offence.’ Some went as far as to consider women as a whole ‘offensive.

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A woman swimming is an ‘adulteress’. But fear not for there is a perfectly rational explanation. When a women goes swimming, as the word for sea is masculine, when “the water touches the woman’s private parts, she becomes an ‘adulteress’ and should be punished.”.  Hang on then. If a man goes swimming is he being a gay. And we all know what happens to gay muslims – bring out the mobile cranes. Looks like swimmings out for all muslims.

Women touching bananas is forbidden. Women are forbidden from eating certain vegetables or even touching cucumbers or bananas, due to their phallic imagery, which may tempt women to deviate. About as rational as stoning a women for being raped.

It is unacceptable for women to turn the air conditioning on at home during the absence of their husbands as this could be used as a sign to indicate to neighbors that the woman is at home alone and any of them could commit adultery with her. Think it’s  more to do with muslim men being tight wads and wanting to save some money.

Marriage to ten-year-old girls should be allowed to prevent girls “from deviating from the right path”.

A marriage is annulled if the husband and wife copulate with no clothes on. Must be so much better having a shag in a burka.

One sanctioned the use of women and children as human shields in violent demonstrations and protests, as these are considered jihads to empower Islam.

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Even slavery was permitted, according to the study: “the people who issued these fatwas demanded the enactment of a law allowing divorced women to own slaves,” presumably to help her, as she no longer has a man to support her.

But I’ve saved the best until last “adult breastfeeding,” (bitty) which called on women to “breastfeed” male acquaintances, thereby making them relatives and justifying their mixed company — was issued by Al Azhar, but later retracted.

All coming to a town near us if we don’t stop this pernicious, barbaric religion.


2013121 – Sun Dresses, Kayaks and Boats

Thursday – hot and sunny.

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Shopping morning as Wendy wants another sun dress. Yesterdays heat has driven her in search of really cool clothes – cool in the lack of therms sense, not the over abused perversion of the word sense.

Wendy has been hankering to visit the local thrift store, full of the rich coffee morning Stepford wives, with their open top sports cars ,  rummaging around for a bargain. Seems like Wendy’s got withdrawal symptoms, missing Blackburn British Heart Foundation shop, part of her weekly shopping treat back home – sad. Similar concept. Totally different IMG 1661clientele.

Then we come across another example of Americas obsession with dogs. This time it’s a cafe and bakery for dogs. The owners must be dafter than their dogs.

Marco Island is just teaming with open top cars. Usually driven by bejewelled Stepford wives or 70 year old fellows trying to recapture their mis-spent youth in their phallic rump hunters. Will someone please ship me my SLK over, it cries out for it. Mind you there’s not so many of those cheap SLK here, they’re nearly all the proper SL550 thoroughbreds.

It also seems like there’s a new job creation scheme. Job title dust blower. Yes, they’ve given up blowing the leafs somewhere else, now they’re paying someone to blow dust away – do they not realise it will come back.

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That’s another 2 hours of my life gone up in smoke. It would have been more usefully spent trying to teach a Taliban the Lords prayer.

As my compensation we stop at Starbucks for a coffee.

Lazy afternoon sorting out these iPads while Madame Defarge clicks away around the pool, knitting yet another jumper. Never mind, all that clicking will keep the lizards at bay.

Catch up on BBC TV in the evening. More Eastenders rattling on, still it beats America’s offerings. TV to pick your nose to, spread over 400 channels. Meanwhile on Netflix we’ve started on “Nip & Tuck” and “Weeds”. Preferable to Eastenders anyday, but then again watching palm trees grow is favourable to watching that dragged out soap.

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The Royal Navy intercepted three boatloads of people off the Kent coast near Dover today. This interception placed the Royal Navy in an awkward position, as the boats were not heading to, but away from Kent towards France.
 
Another surprise finding was that they were loaded with British people who were all seniors of pensionable age. Their claim was that they were trying to get to Calais so as to be able to return to the UK as illegal immigrants and therefore be entitled to far more benefits than they were receiving as legitimate UK pensioners.
 
The Navy, it is believed, gave them food, water and fuel and assisted them on their journey.
 
We are booking to get on the next boat out; let me know if you want to come.

Friday – hot, sun and cloud.

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Up at the crack of sparrows. Off on a 2 hour naturalist (they’re the ones that come fully clothed – thank god) guided kayak tour around Rookery Bay nature reserve . Needless to say Wendy sticks with the knitting.

There’s only 3 of us on the tour. All Brits which is unusual considering we’ve hardly encountered any compatriots for 3 weeks. Mind you the women has as much control of her kayak as I do with a shopping trolley. Or perhaps she was so attracted to me she just couldn’t resist ramming me!

Great tour full of interesting facts and creatures pulled out of the swamps, they make it really interesting and informative, especially on all the conservation work.

See plenty of wildlife Herons, including little blue heron; egrets; ibis; storks; more osprey than muslims at a stoning; clams; oysters; molluscs; dolphins to name but a few. A good morning out.

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After lunch Wendy does her shopping thing and I have a leisurely afternoon around the pool reading and hibernating in the cool air con. Then we get our first experience of daytime rain. Just 10 minutes of a monsoon and then it gives up, none of your long drawn out all day drizzle.

A few thoughts on American cheese. As your probably aware by now we love most things American and they do excel in those shallow but oh so nice things like quality of housing, luxury cars and overall quality of life. But when it comes to cheese they’re definitely in the 3rd World. Most of it seems to be made of plastic, similar in consistency to a soft but not too sloppy white plastic rubber. When it comes to taste then it’s like munching on a flavourless jelly fish, all the taste and texture of a mouldy fried octopus. They, the Americans, have about 40 different cheeses. Most seems processed. Whilst I think my views on France, especially it’s dour ignorant miserable inhabitants, are well known, I do have to admit that their 400 different appellation controlled cheeses do excel. What about British cheese I hear you say. Well they are good and tasty but I never considered us to be up there with the French in terms of numbers, but research shows we have some 700 different cheeses. That’ll teach me to underestimate good old Blighty. 

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More PC terms:

Battle Fatigued – shellshocked 

Blind – optically darker, photonically non-receptive, visually challenged

Body Odor – nondiscretionary fragrance.

Broken Down Automobile – mechanically challenged 

Broken Home – Dysfunctional Family

Bum – Displaced Homeowner, Homeless Person, Involuntarily Domiciled

Cannibalism – Intra-Species Dining

Censorship – Selective Speech

 

A major inquiry has been launched into female genital mutilation to ‘get to the truth’ about why no-one has been convicted three decades after it was made illegal. 

 

It is estimated that as many as 66,000 women in the UK have suffered FGM with 24,000 girls under 11 also at risk. It seems to me the truth is as obvious as Islams hatred of free speech. Just another example of the dhimmi approach of the scardy nere do wells in the big chatter house and the piloce. Allah forbid we should upset muslim sensibilities. Mustn’t antagonise local cohesion.

New law – lets not bother fining or imprisoning anyone found guilty. Just deport them.

Saturday – Hot, sun and cloud.

Well we’ve been here 3 weeks now and I’m starting to get withdrawal symptoms. Not a black bin DSC09975 liner anywhere to be seen; not even a black or multi-coloured hijab; no bearded ones; no white tea cosy’s on heads; no white pyjamas or flowing gowns from the bottom half of a Klu Klux Klan muppet. Now I know the average age around here’s somewhere in that top quartile, but theres no zimmer frame grid lock, probably all had platinum hip replacements on private health care, rather then waiting for a ready rusted cast iron Obamcare job. But sadly I can’t even recall seeing any crotch droppings.

Lazy morning and then we decide to go down to the local Snook Inn for lunch. Big difference is we go in the boat. Provide some entertainment for the diners as Captain Pugwash tries to dock the HMSS Black Pig, with Maggie Lafayette’s assistance. Getting better but still not as easy as it looks.

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Have a lovely crab, fish, scallops (slightly under cooked for our liking) and conch meal. Need the usual doggy tray to take half the meal home. Forgive me for I have sinned. The flesh was just too weak, as i have a pint of amber ale. To celebrate our first pub lunch by boat, my excuse anyway. I love crab cakes but they very rarely seem to love me. Tomorrow will tell.

Leisurely sail back with Maggie Lafayette at the helm, while Captain Pugwash soaks up some rays. Just look at the speed as she gets cocky and cranks it up to all of 12 knots

More bollocks from the PC liberal progressives. it seems they are so open minded their brains have fallen out:

Universities can segregate students during debates as long as the women are not forced to sit behind the men, university leaders have said. Segregation at the behest of a controversial speaker is an issue which arises “all the time” and banning men and women from sitting next to each during debates is a “big issue” facing universities, Universities UK has said. As a result they have issued guidance which suggests that segregation is likely to be acceptable as long as men and women are seated side by side and one party is not at a disadvantage.

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Not it’s not a big issue. It’s simple, this is GREAT Britain. These are our ways. Why are highly paid intellectual vice chancellors wasting public money even considering this. We allow the sexes to intermingle, they have even been known to sit on the same toilets seats, share bicycles, we even allow them to have sex, it’s all part of our culture. If some loony hate preacher or other religious fanatic wants to talk at our universities, I’m all for it, freedom of speech. BUT. They do it on our cultural terms or bugger off. Not a day goes by without an example of even more dhimmitude.

 

It really is enough to make you want to join those thugs and scrots in the EDL. I think I’m going to start a new organisation “Middle England Defence League” (MEDLers) for sensible people. They exist in their millions. They’ve all had enough of this daily lunacy. They’re fed up with common senseless dhimmi politicians on this and other issues. They don’t want their grandchildren growing up wearing black bin liners and beards. Wake up. Smell the coffee, they are at war with us and seek to overthrow our way of life.

 

More PC terms:

 

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Cheating – Academic Dishonesty

 

China – Porcelain

 

Chronically Late – Temporarily Challenged

 

Clumsy – uniquely coordinated

 

Commercial Fisherman – Flipper Whipper

 

Computer Illiterate – Technologically Challenged

 

Corpse – Permanently Static Post-Human Mass, Metabolically Challenged, Terminally Inconvenienced

 

After our evening with the two flying sherifs from Texas something they said got me thinking. They claim that cities / states with strict gun controls have the highest incident of gun deaths. Sounds like NRA claptrap.

Sounded illogical to me, but at the time I had no evidence to refute it, so I started digging.

A major study by JAMA (Journal of the American Medical Association) shows a direct correlation DSC09987 between gun laws and gun-related fatalities. It confirms that generally speaking, stricter gun laws result in fewer deaths.

This study flies in the face of everything the NRA’s claims. This is the report’s conclusion:

“In conclusion, we found an association between the legislative strength of a state’s firearm laws—as measured by a higher number of laws—and a lower rate of firearm fatalities. The association was significant for firearm fatalities overall and for firearm suicide and firearm homicide deaths, individually.” Stricter gun laws equal fewer gun deaths.

“Experts” from the Harvard School of Public Health, using data from 26 developed countries, have shown that wherever there are more firearms, there are more homicides. I’ve a 6 year granddaughter who could have figured that out. Britain has one of the Worlds toughest gun control laws and lowest death rates. You are 40 times more likely to be shot and die in the USA than in the UK.

Another ridiculous NRA claim is that if everyone packed an assault rifle and a couple revolvers with high capacity clips, no one will ever get shot except “bad guys.”

Again ”the evidence” suggests that on average, having a gun actually increases the likelihood that a person will be injured or killed, rather than that it will be used to protect that individual from harm. If you own a gun, the most likely person you are to shoot is yourself. The next most likely person you are to shoot is a close family member. Homes with guns are a dozen times more likely to have household members or guests killed or injured by the weapon than by an intruder. The odds are much greater that the gun will be used against you or a loved one than that it will be used against an armed assailant or an intruder. Firearms are more often discharged in a homicide, suicide or an accident, than in self-defense.

Clearly owning a gun increases your risk of falling victim to a gun accident, a suicide or a homicide.

The data to support the NRA claims is non-existent.

The public strongly supports stricter gun laws. The NRA opposes all of them.

The NRA is really a front organization for gun manufacturers and retailers who make billions a year off gun sales. The NRA is not so much about protecting constitutional rights as they are about protecting profits.

So next time you hear this ludicrous NRA propaganda you’ll know the facts.

20131117 – Sanibel & Captiva Islands

Sunday – very hot, very sunny.

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Answer to who said it:

What is wrong with inciting intense dislike of a religion if the activities or teaching of that religion are so outrageous, irrational or abusive of human rights that they deserve to be intensely disliked.”

Rowan Atkinson

Where has all me disc space gone. 250 Gig DSC09926 own to 500 Megs, hardly enough left store me wet tee shirt pics. Whatever happened to those halcyon days when a 2 Meg Toshiba laptop was the dogs doodaahs. I wouldn’t mind all me data files fit into a 2 Gig Dropbox account. The rest is op sys, photos, “One Foot in the Grave”, rants and music. Spent another morning doing long overdue housekeeping. Me hero, Victor, has had all his series cast out to a backup disc – times is hard.

Fresh pineapple again for lunch. Luscious. Pity it’s lipids like me lips.

Blistering barnacles, what better way to spend a very hot, very sunny Sunday afternoon than to take to the high seas with Captain Pugwash and his deckhand Maggie Lafayette. Maggie was all for having Pugwash keel hauled because the sea was too bumpy and going too fast, all of 20 knots (note the nauticals). Was lovely out there, next time we need to take our lunch with us. The Captain survived the whole afternoon at sea without calling for Huey and Ruth, no diced carrots for the seagulls. Docking is a tricky task. DSC09911Only took 3 attempts.

Apparently UK electric blanket and fire manufacturers is a good sector to be in. Or less subtly put it’s due to get colder and snow. Apparently the UK’s due a 3 month cold snap. Considering they can’t forecast, they stand as much chance of getting it right as I would of selling bibles in the market in Tehran.

Oh and I forgot to mention its 84F here today, just having some air conditioned respite.

More PC and Non PC:

Its twelve inches long, but he doesn’t use it as a rule.

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

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Why is it that when a man talks dirty to a woman it’s sexual harassment, but when a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95/minute?

On their wedding day, what does a Polish man give to his wife that’s long and hard? His family name.

Rule of Thumb  (UK) — Originates from the old English dictum that a husband could not beat his wife or children with any stick wider than his thumb.

Ponder this:

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With increased Muslim demographics, the politics of Westminster could well be radically altered. A Muslim party or a Muslim-dominated Labour Party could eventually hold the balance of power, making it impossible to form a government without their support.

And the price of that support could well be official recognition of Islamic culture such as the call to prayer throughout the country, Muslim public holidays, sharia banking, fully operating sharia courts and major changes to foreign policy on Israel and the US. And my grandkids with beards and walking around with a black bin liner over their heads.

Yes, the religion of peace has no truck with democracy or human rights but it will gladly use our DSC03035 emocratic freedoms to their own ends to get control, introduce sharia and a new caliphate. Of course our loony dhimmi left wing liberal storm troopers and do gooders will be falling over themselves to bring about the downfall of our way of life.

Wake up before it’s too late and smell the stench of sharia and human rights atrocities perpetrated in the name of the religion of peace.

Monday – hot and sunny.

In the morning we drive down to have a stroll around old Marco village. Well it has a sign saying old Marco Village but that’s about all there is of it. Being America we didn’tt expect a 14th Century village complete with pond, stocks, DSC09938giblet and thatched cottages, but even the sign was circa 2000.

Mind you it didn’t have a decent ball and chain.

Then in the afternoon I take to the kayak. Manage to launch it without drowning. Explore the waterways and admire the multi-million $ homes and boats – most of them empty. Manage not to go tits up but circling vultures obviously thought there might be a good chance. Pleasant afternoon. Wendy passes on the opportunity, even though she has her life jacket. it’s a two seater and she would have been useful as some front ballast.

Just planning our travels for next year. We’ve got Park City for January to end of August. Will be coming home mid April to mid May, then 2 weeks in France before returning to spend all of summer in Park City.

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Looks like we need to be in the UK for a happy family event in September. Then we can try and escape again until Christmas.

We’ve just agreed a home exchange mid October to mid November in Albuquerque, really need to learn how to spell it, of Breaking Bad fame. Now looking for some places in Texas for mid November to mid December. Then I suppose it’s home for Christmas.

The more adventurous amongst you may advocate holidays in more exotic climbs, with no electricity; no running water; bed bugs, lizards and cock roaches for bed mates; with the flux (Trots) as a reward for being brave and trying a local delicacy. Nope. Not for us. Our basic criteria for holiday locations is civilisation. That means wifi and electricity; no need for your own set of needles, in case you go into hospital; no hint of sharia law or any chance of me being stoned for my comments, perfectly justified I might add, on that religion of peace. So it’s Florida and anywhere in North America for us. Boring? How can it DSC09952 e? They have wifi nearly everywhere, gourmet restaurants and cafes like Taco Bell and Starbucks, and booze in their supermarkets – apart from some of those loony blue law states that are infringing their first amendment.

When we’ve explored all the civilised places then we may start on more exotic locations. Or there again we may do them all over again.

Now I don’t know what’s happening with the British press. Perhaps it’s there new found fear of a Royal Charter but I’m amazed that a recent incident hasn’t made it to the mass media. Well never mind, I’m not afraid to report it. Sadly it concerns the EDL. Now let me be absolutely clear I am no fan of these morons. In the main they’re just a load of scrots looking for trouble and the muslim media machine must just love their antics, as it does the muslim cause more good than harm.

But this concerns a recent EDL march where a man was wearing a burka. Why not. He was trying DSC03041 o make a point for equality under the law. He was arrested under section 60 for refusing to remove the burka. If you refuse to be placed under surveillance at a political protest by wearing a head covering , such as a burka, in order to conceal your identity, you will be jailed. However, there is little evidence of this being applied if you are a Muslim protesting in a burk – the UK Govt allows you to wear a Burka. This in effect creates a two-tier system in the UK, where Muslims are given favorable rights and non-Muslims are harassed and jailed. This is what the EDL yob was complaining about. I admire him for his stance, we need more people standing up for equality under the law, but his way of going about it just made a mockery of his quite valid point. 

If he had any intelligence he would have researched the acts of oppression (yes there are plenty of them in the UK) before hand; calmly and with dignity asked the police officer for the boundaries of the authorised area; asked for the name of the senior police officer authorising and what was their grounds for a reasonable belief that violence has or is about to occur; then removed the burka. Perhaps then it would have been headline news.

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“Section 60 of the Criminal Justice and Public Order Act 1994 allows a police officer to stop and search a person without suspicion. Section 60 stops and searches can take place in an area which has been authorised by a senior police officer on the basis of their reasonable belief that violence has or is about to occur, and where it is expedient to prevent it or search people for a weapon if one was involved in the incident.

Yet another attack on our freedoms and a classic example of this countries dhimmi attitude.

Tuesday – very hot and very sunny despite forecast of clouds and 50% chance of rain.

Decide to drive up to Sanibel and Captiva Islands. They may only be 50 mile away but with all the traffic lights it takes two hours.

Sanibel’s a lovely old World charm Island. Not as commercialised and urbanised as Marco. A real DSC03051 each persons place. Some lovely beaches, full of shell seekers. Trip Advisors number one attraction is the public library – now that has to be a first and shows a complete lack of exploitation and tourist attractions. Oh forgot to mention it does have a shell museum, about as tempting as visiting a Taliban museum of science and evolution.

Not a traffic light to be seen. They seem to be doing their bit for global warming by having cops direct traffic. Yet another example, along with leaf blowing, advertising sign wavers and flag men, of American futile job creation schemes.

Visit the old lighthouse and beach. Wendy decides to be brave and have a paddle, without her life jacket I might add.

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Have lunch at an eclectic popular restaurant called the Island Cow. Typical excess portions of American grub, enough to feed a family of 15 for a week. But good food all the same and pretty reasonable.

Then visit the Island Nature reserve and take the nature drive. Wendy keeps in the car to avoid feeding the noseeums that apparently are out for her blood!

Drive over to Captiva Island. Even less developed. It’s main claim to fame being it has a Stop sign.

A long day, a lot of driving but enjoyed our Sanibel trip. Lovely Island, nearly as nice as Marco.

Beans on toast for tea, after that classic Rueben’s for lunch, both my favourites. After 43 years Wendy still serves them beans raw. How many more times before she realises they need a knob of butter and at least 15 minutes.

US drivers have an outright dread of pedestrians that never ceases to amaze and un-nerve me. When they’re in a car it’s like they fear some mystical vortex or force field around you; won’t come anywhere near you; give way, at a very discrete distance, like some sycophantic arse licking toady worshipping your very presence. Of course the inverse of all that is when they’re on the road they DSC03066 aunter across on their mobile phones, chatting with friends and smoking their electric cigarettes like an arrogant French tart touting for business.

Give me the UK approach to life. If you’re on the road, then you’re fair game. You know where you stand or are about to be knocked over. Unbelievably, it obviously works as you’re 4 times more likely to be killed on US roads than in the UK.

Finally finish off Orange is the New Black – not bad. What to watch next on Netflix is the big decision? Still haven’t found anything worth watching on US TV – now there’s a surprise.

More PC and Non PC:

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Christmas — Considered by many under siege until supporters realized that the  ’holidays’ in ‘happy holidays’ originated from ‘holy days’ and the ‘X’ in Xmas is the Greek letter ‘chi,’ representing the first two letters of Christ.

Prayer — In public the favored word substitute for ‘prayer’  is now ‘thoughts,’ as in ‘keep them in your thoughts and wishes’. 

Misguided Criminals – A BBC commentator attempts to strip away all emotion from the word ‘terrorist’ by using ‘neutral’ descriptions for those who carried out the 7/7 tube bombings.

Master/Slave computer jargon – LA County re-labels computer documentation to remove this alleged slur that has been used for decades describing computer hierarchies.

Riddle me this then?

The religion of peace is sensitive to anything that offends them. Riots, killing, fatwas and take to DSC03074 he streets in protest even over a few cartoons. Yet daily there are atrocities carried out in the name of their religion, if these offend, misrepresents or is against their religion why haven’t they thrown their toys out the pram by now? Why aren’t they out on the streets protesting? Why aren’t they burning terrorist flags and images of jihadists? Why aren’t they bellowing and catawalling in anger from every minaret?

I leave you to your own conclusions, but in my mind as long as the so called “moderate muslims” stand by and say nothing then I know what my conclusion is.

Wednesday – yet another forecast of sun, clouds and 50% chance of rain. Turns out very hot (84F) and very sunny.

IMG 1750

Decide to do the locals thing and get out early for a walk up to the farmers market. After 5 hours; 16,062 steps; 6 miles; 2 coffee stops; 1 ice cream; 4 rests on shaded forms; 8 dress shops; 1 new sun dress;1 close encounter with a tiny snake of unknown venom and a 10 minute stop in the sanctuary of the Marriots air conditioning, we get back home. By now Wendy’s walking slower than a Gopher Tortoise crossing a road covered in treacle and looks and feels like a cabbage that’s been simmered for an hour to make sauerkraut. She really can’t cope with this heat. Moan, moan, moan. Even fantasising about being at home in the cold, pouring rain – must be heat stroke.

Somehow I think we got the timing wrong as walking back in the mid day sun there’s not a local to be seen. Mad dogs and …….

IMG 1753

More PC terms:

A Criminal – unsavory character 

A Crook – morally (ethically) challenged

Abortion – Near-Life Experience 

Alcoholic – Anti-Sobriety Activist

Alive – temporarily metabolically abled.

An Immigrant – a newcomer 

Assassination – involuntary term limitation 

Bald – comb-free, folic ally independent, follicularly challenged.

There is a god after all.

“The long-term unemployed will be required to do community service in return for benefits under a workfare scheme to be introduced next April.”

Fantastic news. Common sense prevails. Has Cameron been reading my rants?

Only sad news is it’s those who have been unemployed for more than 2 years, but it’s a start. They can start reducing it down to a sensible time period like 2 weeks.

 
 
 

20131117 –

Sunday – very hot, very sunny.

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Answer to who said it:

What is wrong with inciting intense dislike of a religion if the activities or teaching of that religion are so outrageous, irrational or abusive of human rights that they deserve to be intensely disliked.”

Rowan Atkinson

Where has all me disc space gone. 250 Gig DSC09926 own to 500 Megs, hardly enough left store me wet tee shirt pics. Whatever happened to those halcyon days when a 2 Meg Toshiba laptop was the dogs doodaahs. I wouldn’t mind all me data files fit into a 2 Gig Dropbox account. The rest is op sys, photos, “One Foot in the Grave”, rants and music. Spent another morning doing long overdue housekeeping. Me hero, Victor, has had all his series cast out to a backup disc – times is hard.

Fresh pineapple again for lunch. Luscious. Pity it’s lipids like me lips.

Blistering barnacles, what better way to spend a very hot, very sunny Sunday afternoon than to take to the high seas with Captain Pugwash and his deckhand Maggie Lafayette. Maggie was all for having Pugwash keel hauled because the sea was too bumpy and going too fast, all of 20 knots (note the nauticals). Was lovely out there, next time we need to take our lunch with us. The Captain survived the whole afternoon at sea without calling for Huey and Ruth, no diced carrots for the seagulls. Docking is a tricky task. DSC09911Only took 3 attempts.

Apparently UK electric blanket and fire manufacturers is a good sector to be in. Or less subtly put it’s due to get colder and snow. Apparently the UK’s due a 3 month cold snap. Considering they can’t forecast, they stand as much chance of getting it right as I would of selling bibles in the market in Tehran.

Oh and I forgot to mention its 84F here today, just having some air conditioned respite.

More PC and Non PC:

Its twelve inches long, but he doesn’t use it as a rule.

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

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Why is it that when a man talks dirty to a woman it’s sexual harassment, but when a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $3.95/minute?

On their wedding day, what does a Polish man give to his wife that’s long and hard? His family name.

Rule of Thumb  (UK) — Originates from the old English dictum that a husband could not beat his wife or children with any stick wider than his thumb.

Ponder this:

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With increased Muslim demographics, the politics of Westminster could well be radically altered. A Muslim party or a Muslim-dominated Labour Party could eventually hold the balance of power, making it impossible to form a government without their support.

And the price of that support could well be official recognition of Islamic culture such as the call to prayer throughout the country, Muslim public holidays, sharia banking, fully operating sharia courts and major changes to foreign policy on Israel and the US. And my grandkids with beards and walking around with a black bin liner over their heads.

Yes, the religion of peace has no truck with democracy or human rights but it will gladly use our DSC03035 emocratic freedoms to their own ends to get control, introduce sharia and a new caliphate. Of course our loony dhimmi left wing liberal storm troopers and do gooders will be falling over themselves to bring about the downfall of our way of life.

Wake up before it’s too late and smell the stench of sharia and human rights atrocities perpetrated in the name of the religion of peace.

Monday – hot and sunny.

In the morning we drive down to have a stroll around old Marco village. Well it has a sign saying old Marco Village but that’s about all there is of it. Being America we didn’tt expect a 14th Century village complete with pond, stocks, DSC09938giblet and thatched cottages, but even the sign was circa 2000.

Mind you it didn’t have a decent ball and chain.

Then in the afternoon I take to the kayak. Manage to launch it without drowning. Explore the waterways and admire the multi-million $ homes and boats – most of them empty. Manage not to go tits up but circling vultures obviously thought there might be a good chance. Pleasant afternoon. Wendy passes on the opportunity, even though she has her life jacket. it’s a two seater and she would have been useful as some front ballast.

Just planning our travels for next year. We’ve got Park City for January to end of August. Will be coming home mid April to mid May, then 2 weeks in France before returning to spend all of summer in Park City.

DSC09941

Looks like we need to be in the UK for a happy family event in September. Then we can try and escape again until Christmas.

We’ve just agreed a home exchange mid October to mid November in Albuquerque, really need to learn how to spell it, of Breaking Bad fame. Now looking for some places in Texas for mid November to mid December. Then I suppose it’s home for Christmas.

The more adventurous amongst you may advocate holidays in more exotic climbs, with no electricity; no running water; bed bugs, lizards and cock roaches for bed mates; with the flux (Trots) as a reward for being brave and trying a local delicacy. Nope. Not for us. Our basic criteria for holiday locations is civilisation. That means wifi and electricity; no need for your own set of needles, in case you go into hospital; no hint of sharia law or any chance of me being stoned for my comments, perfectly justified I might add, on that religion of peace. So it’s Florida and anywhere in North America for us. Boring? How can it DSC09952 e? They have wifi nearly everywhere, gourmet restaurants and cafes like Taco Bell and Starbucks, and booze in their supermarkets – apart from some of those loony blue law states that are infringing their first amendment.

When we’ve explored all the civilised places then we may start on more exotic locations. Or there again we may do them all over again.

Now I don’t know what’s happening with the British press. Perhaps it’s there new found fear of a Royal Charter but I’m amazed that a recent incident hasn’t made it to the mass media. Well never mind, I’m not afraid to report it. Sadly it concerns the EDL. Now let me be absolutely clear I am no fan of these morons. In the main they’re just a load of scrots looking for trouble and the muslim media machine must just love their antics, as it does the muslim cause more good than harm.

But this concerns a recent EDL march where a man was wearing a burka. Why not. He was trying DSC03041 o make a point for equality under the law. He was arrested under section 60 for refusing to remove the burka. If you refuse to be placed under surveillance at a political protest by wearing a head covering , such as a burka, in order to conceal your identity, you will be jailed. However, there is little evidence of this being applied if you are a Muslim protesting in a burk – the UK Govt allows you to wear a Burka. This in effect creates a two-tier system in the UK, where Muslims are given favorable rights and non-Muslims are harassed and jailed. This is what the EDL yob was complaining about. I admire him for his stance, we need more people standing up for equality under the law, but his way of going about it just made a mockery of his quite valid point. 

If he had any intelligence he would have researched the acts of oppression (yes there are plenty of them in the UK) before hand; calmly and with dignity asked the police officer for the boundaries of the authorised area; asked for the name of the senior police officer authorising and what was their grounds for a reasonable belief that violence has or is about to occur; then removed the burka. Perhaps then it would have been headline news.

DSC03043

“Section 60 of the Criminal Justice and Public Order Act 1994 allows a police officer to stop and search a person without suspicion. Section 60 stops and searches can take place in an area which has been authorised by a senior police officer on the basis of their reasonable belief that violence has or is about to occur, and where it is expedient to prevent it or search people for a weapon if one was involved in the incident.

Yet another attack on our freedoms and a classic example of this countries dhimmi attitude.

Tuesday – very hot and very sunny despite forecast of clouds and 50% chance of rain.

Decide to drive up to Sanibel and Captiva Islands. They may only be 50 mile away but with all the traffic lights it takes two hours.

Sanibel’s a lovely old World charm Island. Not as commercialised and urbanised as Marco. A real DSC03051 each persons place. Some lovely beaches, full of shell seekers. Trip Advisors number one attraction is the public library – now that has to be a first and shows a complete lack of exploitation and tourist attractions. Oh forgot to mention it does have a shell museum, about as tempting as visiting a Taliban museum of science and evolution.

Not a traffic light to be seen. They seem to be doing their bit for global warming by having cops direct traffic. Yet another example, along with leaf blowing, advertising sign wavers and flag men, of American futile job creation schemes.

Visit the old lighthouse and beach. Wendy decides to be brave and have a paddle, without her life jacket I might add.

DSC03057

Have lunch at an eclectic popular restaurant called the Island Cow. Typical excess portions of American grub, enough to feed a family of 15 for a week. But good food all the same and pretty reasonable.

Then visit the Island Nature reserve and take the nature drive. Wendy keeps in the car to avoid feeding the noseeums that apparently are out for her blood!

Drive over to Captiva Island. Even less developed. It’s main claim to fame being it has a Stop sign.

A long day, a lot of driving but enjoyed our Sanibel trip. Lovely Island, nearly as nice as Marco

US drivers have an outright dread of pedestrians that never ceases to amaze and un-nerve me. When they’re in a car it’s like they fear some mystical vortex or force field around you; won’t come anywhere near you; give way, at a very discrete distance, like some sycophantic arse licking toady worshipping your very presence. Of course the inverse of all that is when they’re on the road they DSC03066 aunter across on their mobile phones, chatting with friends and smoking their electric cigarettes like an arrogant French tart touting for business.

Give me the UK approach to life. If you’re on the road, then you’re fair game. You know where you stand or are about to be knocked over. Unbelievably, it obviously works as you’re 4 times more likely to be killed on US roads than in the UK.

Finally finish off Orange is the New Black – not bad. What to watch next on Netflix is the big decision? Still haven’t found anything worth watching on US TV – now there’s a surprise.

More PC and Non PC:

DSC03067

Christmas — Considered by many under siege until supporters realized that the  ’holidays’ in ‘happy holidays’ originated from ‘holy days’ and the ‘X’ in Xmas is the Greek letter ‘chi,’ representing the first two letters of Christ.

Prayer — In public the favored word substitute for ‘prayer’  is now ‘thoughts,’ as in ‘keep them in your thoughts and wishes’. 

Misguided Criminals – A BBC commentator attempts to strip away all emotion from the word ‘terrorist’ by using ‘neutral’ descriptions for those who carried out the 7/7 tube bombings.

Master/Slave computer jargon – LA County re-labels computer documentation to remove this alleged slur that has been used for decades describing computer hierarchies.

Riddle me this then?

The religion of peace is sensitive to anything that offends them. Riots, killing, fatwas and take to DSC03074 he streets in protest even over a few cartoons. Yet daily there are atrocities carried out in the name of their religion, if these offend, misrepresents or is against their religion why haven’t they thrown their toys out the pram by now? Why aren’t they out on the streets protesting? Why aren’t they burning terrorist flags and images of jihadists? Why aren’t they bellowing and catawalling in anger from every minaret?

I leave you to your own conclusions, but in my mind as long as the so called “moderate muslims” stand by and say nothing then I know what my conclusion is.

Wednesday – yet another forecast of sun, clouds and 50% chance of rain. Turns out very hot (84F) and very sunny.

IMG 1750

Decide to do the locals thing and get out early for a walk up to the farmers market. After 5 hours; 16,062 steps; 6 miles; 2 coffee stops; 1 ice cream; 4 rests on shaded forms; 8 dress shops; 1 new sun dress;1 close encounter with a tiny snake of unknown venom and a 10 minute stop in the sanctuary of the Marriots air conditioning, we get back home. By now Wendy’s walking slower than a Gopher Tortoise crossing a road covered in treacle and looks and feels like a cabbage that’s been simmered for an hour to make sauerkraut. She really can’t cope with this heat. Moan, moan, moan. Even fantasising about being at home in the cold, pouring rain – must be heat stroke.

Somehow I think we got the timing wrong as walking back in the mid day sun there’s not a local to be seen. Mad dogs and …….

IMG 1753

More PC terms:

A Criminal – unsavory character 

A Crook – morally (ethically) challenged

Abortion – Near-Life Experience 

Alcoholic – Anti-Sobriety Activist

Alive – temporarily metabolically abled.

An Immigrant – a newcomer 

Assassination – involuntary term limitation 

Bald – comb-free, folic ally independent, follicularly challenged.

There is a god after all.

“The long-term unemployed will be required to do community service in return for benefits under a workfare scheme to be introduced next April.”

Fantastic news. Common sense prevails. Has Cameron been reading my rants?

Only sad news is it’s those who have been unemployed for more than 2 years, but it’s a start. They can start reducing it down to a sensible time period like 2 weeks.

 
 
 

20131115 – Lost In The Swamps

Friday – warm, sun and clouds.

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Drive down to Rookery Bay a nature reserve, mangrove swamplands – sorry wetlands. They have a docent giving an hours talk around the touch tanks of crabs and conches etc. All very interesting and well worth the $5 entrance fee. Then we have a nature walk. Somehow we manage to get lost and are marauding around this wilderness. Map was definitely wrong! Very hot and very humid and no water.

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Bump into a family of racoons scampering across our path.

Afternoon round the pool and get some reading done. Have to configure Wendy’s new toy.

It’s oh so quiet around here. The majority of these expensive homes and boats seem empty. 

In the UK your average old geezer has his garden shed, deck chair and sherry bottle to escape to peace quiet, tranquility and some male sanity. Over here it seems that the yacht or boat serves the same purpose. One of our few neighbours escapes each morning to his yacht complete with his coffee and cigarettes. The yacht actually never goes anywhere. It’s just his very expensive garden shed.

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Political correctness allows for two basic types of complaint: that people who behave the same are treated differently, and that people who behave differently are treated the same.

He was so sick of politicians having sexual affairs that he decided to run for office.

Politicians are like diapers; they need changed often and for the same reason.

Would vegetarians eat carrots if they had faces?

Do vegetarians hate plants?

Has anyone noticed that it’s islamophobia awareness month here in the UK. Mind you how such DSC03017a thing can exist as after all a phobia is an extreme irrational fear of something. Well given the religion of peace’s track record one would hardly call a fear of it irrational. This loathsome term is nothing more than a thought-terminating cliché conceived in the bowels of Muslim think tanks for the purpose of beating down critics.’ In short, in its very origins, ‘Islamophobia’ was a term designed as a weapon to advance a totalitarian cause by stigmatizing critics and silencing them. 

I think it’s about time we designated December British Culture Awareness Month in order that muslims, and other foreign imports, can learn to appreciate the culture and generosity of the nation that hosts them, rather than an entire DSC03019month dedicated to more special treatment.

Saturday – warm, sun and cloud again.

Lazy morning. FaceTime with Kurt and family. Great video of Jasper playing the piano. He really loves it and is starting to take notice and respond.

After lunch we take a long bike ride, well long according to Wendy, down to a Christmas Bazaar at Goodlands. It’s only about 5 miles away from Marco but a World of difference. Gone are the manicured lawns, Cadis, Mercs and all the trimmings of wealth. This is small town Florida. Must be poor there’s no Starbucks.

Bazaar can best be described as quaint. Pop into a local key side bar, swamp side judging by IMG 1736the smell. Live music. Commit a major sin and before 17:00 have a lager, well they called it that but I don’t think there’s any trades description laws over here. Classic American pinklewater.

In the evening finally get to watch the last episode of season 2 Revenge. Can you believe it’s been left open for yet another season – what a surprise. Wendy gets to watch a weeks worth of East Enders. Actually watching that tripe be spun out for months at least makes you appreciate US series for quick action.

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Here’s some facts, a rare commodity these days, that will probably never see the light of political day. THE top 1% of taxpayers are now paying almost 30% of all income tax. Ah you may say but I bet there paying less than they used says the labour disinformation machine. Well actually in 1979, the year Margaret Thatcher came to power, the highest-earning 1% of taxpayers contributed just 11% of all income taxes — even though the highest rate of income tax was 83%. So perhaps reducing top rate tax does have the desired effect. 

The top 10% of earners have seen their share of the tax burden rise from IMG 172935% of all income tax in 1979 to 55% now. Even middle-income earners have seen their tax burden increase, with the top 50% of the population accounting for more than 90% of the income tax. The research suggests a couple on average earnings probably receive more from the state through public services than they contribute in taxes.

Let’s see how this message gets mangled on Question Time.

Anyone who says he can see through a woman is missing a lot.

Women would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

It always puzzles me to hear of professional women, are there any amateurs?

My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that’s what she says.

IMG 1741

Some women are like pianos; when they’re not upright, they’re grand.

Imagine the Apple marketing machine pissing off 60% of it’s customers and 95% of them ready for defection to the evil empire (Microsoft). Well that’s what the Vatican has managed to do. Three polls of nearly 10,000 people reveal a profile of British Catholics adrift from Vatican-style Catholicism:

Just 5 per cent of Catholics, and 2 per cent of those under 30, are “faithful Catholics”. in terms of traditional teachings and practice on weekly Mass attendance, sure belief in God, taking authority from religious sources, and opposition to abortion, same-sex marriage and euthanasia.

IMG 1742

Fewer than four in ten of the Catholics surveyed said that they viewed the Catholic Church as a positive force in society. When those who took a negative view of the Church were asked their reasons, the most common answers were discrimination against women and gay people, the scandals concerning child abuse, hypocrisy and moral conservatism.

Nearly all churchgoing Catholics believe in God, as do 70 per cent of Catholics in total.

Nearly nine in ten agreed that an unmarried couple with children was a family, and two-thirds said that a same-sex couple with children was a family. Fewer than one in ten said they would feel guilty using contraception.

By a small margin, Catholics were in favour of allowing same-sex marriage.

Some disturbing results which will surely result in the Vatican Marketing Director getting a brown envelope. I would think the Chief Executive would be getting his marching orders too if he doesn’t man up and sort it pretty soon – more white smoke? How far adrift can an organisation be from it’s customer base. Disturbing but not surprising. Perhaps the most disturbing is that 60% of catholics don’t believe their church is a positive force in society.

Who said it?

What is wrong with inciting intense dislike of a religion
 if the activities or teaching of that religion are so 
outrageous, irrational or abusive of human rights 
that they deserve to be intensely disliked.”

Answer in the next blog.

20131113 – Oh No Not The Apple Store Again

Wednesday – grey and overcast. Only 73F, the locals are all out wrapped up in fleeces.

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Excitement this morning as its the Farmers market yet again. At least we buy fruit, but alas no multi-coloured sweetcorn this week. 

Typical there’s a biscuit stall.Not just any old biscuits but one dedicated to dog biscuits.  Mind you when you have poodles dressed up and in push chairs there’s obviously enough fruitcakes around to make a good living – see picture.

One of the many nice things about America DSC02992 is there patriotism, proud to be American, belief that its the best country in the World, but best of all their respect for the military. No muslim scrots here denigrating returning soldiers or parades. 

I had a chat with a couple of Vets on their veterans market stall and asked them if it was generally felt America was doing the dirty work for Europe and Europe wasn’t even paying the premiums – see Bill Maher comments from last night. They seemed to agree with that to an extent, especially France and Spains attitude – no fly zone when raiding Gaddafi, etc – but mainly feel it’s more one of cost and cutting back on Nato. I asked them well what about Britain. They genuinely seemed to feel we’re in it together and Britain was one of their best allies. For instance they were disgusted that Obama had returned the bust of Winston Churchill, felt it was a real insult to GB. One said with some vehemence, “If I ever get to be President the first thing I’ll do is get in Air Force one and come across to the UK to pick up that bust and return it to the White House”.

I do so like a women with a sense of humour. After 42 years of marriage, on her way out to the supermarket, she comes out with a real pearler “you can do some ironing if you’re bored”. How kind.

There’s a country that has stepped up arrests and trials of peaceful dissidents; responded with force to demonstrations by citizens; suppresses or fail to protect the rights of 9 million women and girls and 9 million foreign worker; doesn’t even let women drive (mind you they probably have low accident rates on the roads); thousands of people have received unfair trials or been subject to arbitrary detention; trials against half-a-dozen human rights defenders; Female genital mutilation is prevalent; oh and not to forget stoning still goes on.

Where is it?

Saudi Arabia.

So what you may say. Well the ultimate irony is they’ve now got a seat on the UN Human Rights Council. Like putting a poacher in charge of a chicken farm. Makes me madder than a wet hen.

This is our neighbour. I think she’s single… She lives right across the road. I can see her place from my deck.I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she Image001walked across the street and up my driveway and knocked on my door. I rushed to open it, she looks at me and says,”I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long! Are you busy tonight?”

I quickly replied, “Nope, I’m free, I have no plans at all!”

She said, “Great! Could you watch my dog?”

Being a senior citizen, really sucks!

Thursday – hot and sunny.

Visit the Isle of Capris. Not really much there but had a nice coffee at the harbour and it was free.

Drive back to the Apple store to return one unwanted Apple TV – Ross can’t get Now TV on it.

What is it that’s thinner, faster, lighter, talks faster and comes with a swish logo? No it’s not a female anorexic sprinter with verbal diarrhoea in a Nike tee shirt. It’s the new iPad Air. So what you may say. Well nerdy Wendy just couldn’t resist along with a vivid green cover to distinguish it from the rest – I think we’ll have to start giving them pet names. We now have 4 iPads. Anybody want to buy an iPad original – soon to be a high value antique? I blame Ross.

I wouldn’t mind it took longer to choose the colour of the iPad cover.

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And then people say I’m the nerd.

After exercising the plastic we go down to the Harbour shops. Not that we can find them. Finally crack it and sit having our lavish lunch by the waterside – lovely grapes. Shops are typical of those frequented by the Cadi / Merc / Lexus / Porsche coffee morning brigade that seem to infest this area. I’ve seen more old geezers and even old biddies in flashy two seater sports, reliving their youth, than there are fleas and dandruff ridden tea towels in Afghanistan.

Then an exciting trip to Best Buy to see whats the best deal we can get on a PAYG SIM only for iPhone 5. This time the “expert” is nuttier than a squirrel turd with his “No one does PAYG SIMs for iPhone 5”. What about Tmobile? “Doh”, long pregnant pause “Oh yeah they do, but we don’t have any.” And AT&T? “Yeah, they might.”

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A few more PC Terms, starting with the most fearful of them all:

Nigger – Originally, A negro Slave. Has evolved to mean “A Trashy or devious Negro”, but the word has still lost acceptance. (see : White Trash). Even a mere mention of the “N” word can et you sacked or pilloried these days. A really naughty word.

Psycho – Replaced by Pathologically High-Spirited

Secretary – Replaced by Administrative Assistant – The word Secretary comes from Latin and means ‘Confidential Officer’ – And for DSC03000some unknown reason this is a bad thing. 

Sex Change – Replaced by gender re-assignment.

Swamp – Replaced by Wetland. Swamps are full alligators, bugs, and disease. If anybody went around saying that we need to “save the swamps”, people would think they were out of their friggin’ mind!

Trailer Park – Replace by Mobile Home Community. 

Ugly – Replaced by Visually Challenging.

White Trash – Losers of European descent. Term still in acceptance, although its counterpart term to describe trash of the negro race is being eliminated.


20131109 – Captain Pugwash takes control

Saturday – sun and cloud but still oh so warm.

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Lazy morning as usual. 

Afternoon we set off to explore the rest of the Island on our bikes. Even have cycle helmets and one that fits me.

Manage to find the only hill on the Island, much to Wendy’s disgust. I wouldn’t mind it’s no bigger than a pimple on a tarts arse.

Come across these tortoise. Poor little buggers risk these IMG 1673 roads to breed and lay their eggs. Perhaps those little breeders in the UK with 13 kids scrounging off taxpayers, might breed less if they had to cross a 5 lane motorway in the dark every time they get the urge to procreate. Would help calm their libido. Save us taxpayers a fortune.

Then you get these two male tortoise studs jousting for position and their harem of 72 virgins awaiting them over the hill.

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Have to report 3 blades of grass too long; a small crack in a pavement; a weed in one of the manicured lawns to the local council.

As usual end up at Starbucks for my afternoon fix. Did you know that if you ask for a small coffee you get a 12oz cup. Well actually there’s a cheaper, smaller cup. Called a short, it’s only 8Oz, well hidden so you have to specifically ask for it. I know it’s un-American not to go for the 20Oz.

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A good 4 hour bike ride. Lost about 4 gallons of sweat and we forgot our water – will Nat ever forgive me. Fitbit doesn’t seem to register cycling as activity. Perhaps I need to strap it to my leg or some other part of me.

With Britain becoming worse and worse by the day, I propose that we all seek asylum somewhere. I suggest Pakistan:

We could build a huge church in the middle of Islamabad that dominates the skyline, play loud pop music from the church steeple 5 times a day, set up chippys and shops on every corner, assault the locals who dare to come into “our” part of town, set up specialist IMG 1699 shops selling pork products and non-halal meat, protest to the government that the name “Ramadan” is offensive to our religion, and ask that they make it more inclusive by changing it to “Starve Yourself Fest.”, wander around in skimpy clothes, insist on all signs to be in English, expect all schools to change their curriculum for us.

Poetry is absolutely lost on me. I really can’t understand why it’s even in the school curriculum. But this teenage Danish poet of muslim parents has dared to write some poetry which criticises the religion of peace. DSC09851 or his trouble he’s received 27 death threats so far. In addition to targeting hypocrisy, his poetry, he says, speaks to the problem of Muslims “exploiting the society they live in.” On free speech, Hassan says “Muslims love to take advantage of (it), and as soon as there is someone else saying something critical against them, they want to restrict it.” So in order to promote free speech, desensitise muslims and cock a snoot at that evil ideology that poses as a religion here’s a short extract of one of his poems.

“You don’t want pork meat,may Allah praise you for your eating habits, you want Friday prayer till the next Friday prayer,you want Ramadan till the next Ramadan, and between the Friday prayers and the Ramadans, you want to carry a knife in your pocket, you want to go and ask people if they have a problem, although the only problem is you.”

Sunday – hot and cloudy.

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Wendy’s just bought the Sunday paper in off the drive – been lobbed there no doubt by some pimply youth on a chopper, an all American tradition. Of course as in all things American it just so much bigger, I won’t use the word better. There’s half a trees worth of useless bumph. 6” high stack of wasted newsprint / adverts. Read or even skim through all that and you end up as bored as a Taliban in the papal library. But one advert did catch my eye, a glossy full page on all the guns I can buy. A Smith & Wesson M&P15 assault rifle complete with 30 round magazine, instant death, destruction and fame for $699. Or what about Bond’s Beretta, complete with 2 High capacity magazines, all for a price so stunningly low it’s “Too low to advertise”.

After lunch we set off for our cultural overdose of the week in the local theatre. “Blame it on DSC09852 Beckett” is the play, in a tiny theatre with just 4 actors. Enjoyable, quaint, a comedy. Typical American audience, mainly women, even clap at the start and of course everyone is not just content with clapping at the end they have to give a standing ovation. It was ok, but a standing ovation, come on. Just the usual Lemming effect. I’m sure we’ll see the next advancement in one upmanship for audience appreciation to be standing on chairs and clapping.

After the show you get to meet the actors on the way out – “Oh darling, how absolutely marvellous”,”An awesome performance”, “you were magnificent”, blah, blah, blah.

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Only in America … Could politicians talk about the greed of the rich at a $35,000.00 a plate campaign fund-raising event.

Only in America … Could people claim that the government still discriminates against black Americans when they have a black President, a black Attorney General and roughly 20% of the federal workforce is black while only 14% of the population is black. 40+% of all federal entitlements goes to black Americans – 3X the rate that goto whites, 5X the rate that go to Hispanics.

Only in America … Could they have had the two people most responsible for the tax code turn out to be tax cheats who are in favour of higher taxes.

Only in America … Can they have terrorists kill +4,000 people in the name of Allah and have the DSC09873media primarily react by fretting that Muslims might be harmed by the backlash.

Only in America … Would they make people who want to legally become American citizens wait for years in their home countries and pay tens of thousands of dollars for the privilege, while they discuss letting anyone who sneaks into the country illegally just ‘magically’ become American citizens.

Good to know we’re not the only Country that suffers from a complete lack of common sense.

Wake up and understand that islam is at war with our way of life. Our values are based on democracy. Democracy implies equality.  Yet equality is unacceptable in Islam. Un-believers cannot be equal to believers and women are not equal to men. The People of the Book (Jews and Christians) are accepted as second class citizens and allowed to live in an Islamic state provided they pay the protection tax; Jizyah. But the pagans, atheists and idolaters are not regarded as fully humans. According to the Quran, the DSC09869idolaters are to be killed wherever they are found.” (9:5).

In the April 9, 2002 issue, The Wall Street Journal published the concept of blood money in Saudi Arabia. If a person has been killed or caused to die by another, the latter has to pay blood money or compensation, as follow.
100,000 riyals if the victim is a Muslim man,
50,000 riyals if a Muslim woman,
50,000 riyals if a Christian man,
25,000 riyals if a Christian woman,
6,666 riyals if a Hindu man,
3,333 riyals if a Hindu woman.

According to this a Muslim man’s life is worth 33 times that of a Hindu woman. This hierarchy is based on the Islamic definition of human rights and is rooted in the Quran and the Sharia. How can we talk of democracy when the concept of equality in Islam is nonexistent?

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Wake up and smell the coffee before it’s too late. They want World domination.

Monday – hot and sunny.

Captain Pugwash and his deckhand Maggie Lafayette take HMSS Black Pig out for a cruise. Maggie Lafayette dons the latest in maritime safety wear. While still in dock she clings to anything and panics that the boats going to drift away with her in it.

Whatever happened to having some bikini clad eye candy decorating me focsle. Never mind I’ve got me fitbit on! Captain Pugwash shapes up like a dithering dogfish when it comes to steering. Takes some getting used to but at least on our return I’ve mastered the latency in the steering. Brave the open waters of the Gulf of Mexico and up the beach. Maggie Lafayette’s squawking like a constipated seagull, too fast; too bumpy; too far out; too wet; too deep. She survives. Then do a tour down the canals as we drool at the luxury mansions and DSC09878 their boats.

Requiem for a frog. Yes we’ve found the frog in the car. Yes he’s very desiccated. Yes he’s very dead. At least he didn’t stink the car out but now the cars haunted by the sole of a tiny frog. Poor thing.

We go down to the residents private beach, complete with USA flag waving chairs and Kindles.Very swish, no riff raff allowed. It’s hotter than two hampsters farting in a wool sock. After a brief paddle and an hour melting into a puddle we give up and go for a coffee. Yes, you guessed it – Starbucks.

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Well kipper me capstans if we haven’t missed Bingo at the synagog complete with free hot dog – strictly kosher I hope.

Shopping for a SIM only deal for my iPhone ready for our year living in Park City. Th’art nor ‘avvin’ me on a butty.  “No you can’t get a 3G service on the iPhone it’s 4G only” – so why does my iPhone keep showing 3G when I’m in the UK? “Ah it’s illegal to have an unlocked mobile.” What bullshit they try to feed us, must think we came over in the famous transatlantic tunnel.

Only in America … Could the people who believe in balancing the budget and sticking by the country’s Constitution be thought of as”extremists.”

Only in America … Do they make sick people walk to the back of the strode for their prescriptions, whilst selling cigarettes at the front.

Only in America … Could you need to present a driver’s license to cash a check or buy alcohol, but not to vote.

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Only in America … Could people demand the government investigate whether oil companies are gouging the public because the price of gas went up when the return on equity invested in a major U.S. Oil company is less than half of a company making tennis shoes(Nike).

Only in America … Could the government collect more tax dollars from the people than any nation in recorded history, still spend aTrillion dollars more than it has per year – for total spending of $7Million PER MINUTE, and complain that it doesn’t have nearly enoughmoney.

Only in America … Could the rich people – who pay 86% of all income taxes – be accused of not paying their “fair share” by people who don’t pay any income taxes at all.

Hello! Wake up you dhimmi clowns down in the big chatter house.

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US and UK taxpayers fund the Palestinian Authority, which in turn funds prisoners in Israeli jails.

Here’s how the system works. When a Palestinian is convicted of an act of terror against the Israeli government or innocent civilians, such as a bombing or a murder, that convicted terrorist automatically receives a generous salary from the Palestinian Authority. The salary is specified by the Palestinian “law of the prisoner” and administered by the PA’s Ministry of Prisoner Affairs.

Now if that isn’t pots for rags I don’t know what is. This is money we don’t have! Nuttier than a Squirrel turd and makes me madder than a eunuch at an orgy. HEADS SHOULD ROLL.

New law – all foreign aid should be stopped immediately, unless the politicians are prepared to pay for it out of their own pockets. Charity begins at home.

Tuesday – sunny and very hot 93F or 34C if you prefer.

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Off on a bike ride to one of the best Florida Birding Trail sites at Tiger Tail beach. Have a 30 minute stroll but it’s hotter than the hinges of hell. Wendy’s whining like a stuck alternator so we abandon and have lunch in the shade with the sweat dripping onto our lunch. Fortunately we’ve remembered water.

Then it’s a Starbucks to unwind. Noticed that like most Starbucks it’s an Apple only zone. I’ve also noticed that the Island seems to be an Android free zone.

Wendy is rapidly rejuvenated at the prospect of some shopping.

Get back for afternoon tea and studying American Politics. All those Amendments and a fine written constitution yet the country still has all the problems we suffer.

Now I’m not a great fan of American TV. A classic case of quantity not quality. But they do IMG 1694 produce some good series and they have Piers Morgan on CNN every night (the NRA’s not managed to toss him out the country yet, although I do believe they’ve issued a fatwas against him) and there’s Real Time with Bill Maher. He’s a comedian / atheist / political commentator, great show. Really like it. A bit sad tonight though to hear his comment on snooping on Europe. Seems it’s ok because the US has been protecting us and doing our dirty work in the World since the 2nd World War and we’ve not paid the premiums. Not to forget I suppose that they won the 2nd World War single handedly. Sad but I suppose that’s how Americans see it with their inflated self macho gun slinging ego. I’d like to think that the UK was excluded from that, after all the times our troops have been in there with them, but who knows.

Some more PC Terms:

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Jungle – Replaced by Rainforest. A Rainforest is a happy place where Disney characters dance and sing … a jungle is a scary place with lions, tigers, malaria and natives that want to cut off your head and boil it for dinner… who in their right mind would want to save that!?!

Lumberjack – Replaced by Murderer.

Man’s Job and Woman’s Work – Replaced by Traditional Gender Role. These are basic practices that are followed in one form or another by most of the life forms on this planet, and have been part of human culture for thousands of years… and as with most other ‘traditions’, a lot of people believe that it is time for a change.

Midget – Replaced by Vertically Challenged.

Natural Disaster – replaced by Unnatural Event caused by man’s destruction of the environment. Every hurricane, mudslide, and flood sould be blamed on Global Warming, even though these events have been occurring for millions of years. (I’m still waiting for somebody to blame the last Ice Age on the campfires of cavemen)

Lets summarise todays loony blood boiling news:

We have a Chief Constable who thinks that “The police and the public should be more tolerant ofDSC09877 antisocial behaviour because much of it amounts to boisterous growing up”. With 2.2 million cases of anti-social behaviour last year does she not think there is a serious problem in this country. Todays yobs are tomorrows scrots and criminals. Zero tolerance is needed. What can you expect from a female Chief Constable – sack her.

There’s a crazy scheme to give mothers £200 shopping vouchers if they breast feed. That’ll be just another mad incentive to breed like rabbits, live off the state and about as useful as suckin’ on a titty through a sweatshirt!

Oh and of course not to forget the spectre of boatloads of immigrants from Romania and Bulgaria arriving January 1st to claim their FREE housing, FREE benefit and anything else we are prepared to dole out.

New law – anybody whose conduct is “seriously prejudical to the interests of the UK”, such as terrorists etc. should not only have their passport burnt but also have their ass kicked out of the country, along with their family. Why do we tolerate these scrots.

So let’s see if I’ve got this right 70+ Christians slaughtered in Pakistan; 120+ slaughtered in Nairobi; 50+ students slaughtered in their sleep in Pakistan. And the common factor is? Well in case you hadn’t guessed it’s the religion of peace’s extremist. But of course as our politicians point out this is nothing to do with Islam – bullshit. What planet do they live on.


 

 

20131105 – Captain Pugwash On The High Seas

Tuesday – hot and windy, with some spots of rain in the afternoon. It’s just like having a warm shower and almost refreshing.

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You know you’ve arrived when the pool guy comes and then your gardener and landscaper. I’m sure you’ll be surprised to learn they were all Mexican, very little English but work hard.

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Thought we’d put some pictures on of the house, DSC02953boat / ship and pool.

Avast you lolloping landlubbers, Maggie Lafayette Pugwash AKA Windy Wendy) goes out for a cruise with Captain Pugwash on HMSS Black Pig. Master Bates, Seamen Staines and Roger the cabin boy were conspicuous by their absence. Instead Joey, 56895829 ladyhysteria our neighbour, pops round to show Captain Pugwash and his deck hand Maggie Lafayette how to launch, navigated and handle our boat, or is it ship? It’s rough and windy. Maggie Lafayette’s sat with her life jacket on. Whining like a stuck starter motor as we head out to open water – Gulf of Mexico. Steering at no wake speeds is not as easy as it look, especially in this wind. Once you notch the speed up to about 20MPH it’s so much easier but then Maggie Lafayette starts squawking. Red, right, return and port to port on approaching another boat, that seems to be about it.

We survive and manage to dock, not that easy, with no incident .

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After lunch we go for a bike ride to explore the island and open our US bank account. Yes we’re now proud owners of a Chase bank account, complete with debit card and all the trimmings. Good service, free drinks and cookies. All very swish. All we need now is our green cards and we’ve cracked it.

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It’s a long ride back and we ride home in the dark. No lights, just like a couple of scrots, so we stick to the pavements.

My Fitbit gizmo clocks up over 5,000 steps. I think the boat / ship trip really confused it with all the bouncing up and down.

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Why do women fake orgasms? So that they can quickly get back to what they were doing.

Wednesday – hot and sunny.

A few more pictures of the view from our back yard and my kayak – yet to try getting in or out without a ducking.

Highlight of the week, Farmers Market in the morning. Fruit and veg are cheap and unlike our visits to French markets we actually buy something.

After lunch Wendy gets her Publix fix and I have a relaxing afternoon around the pool.

A few new high tech medical syndromes, especially suffered by nerds:

Phantom Ringing Syndrome – When your brain punks you into thinking your phone is buzzing in your pocket.

DSC02948Nomophobia – The anxiety that arises from not having access to one’s mobile device. The term “Nomophobia” is an abbreviation of “no-mobile phobia.”

Cybersickness – The disorientation and dizziness some people feel when interacting with certain digital environments.

Facebook Depression – Depression caused by social interactions, or lack thereof, on Facebook.

Internet Addiction Disorder – A constant and unhealthy urge to access the Internet.

Internet Addiction Disorder (sometimes referred to DSC02949 s Problematic Internet Use) – excessive Internet use that interferes with daily life. 

Online Gaming Addictio – An unhealthy need to access online multiplayer games.

Cyberchondria – The tendency to believe you have diseases you read about online.

The Google Effect – The tendency of the human mind to retain less information because it knows that all answers are only a few clicks away.

Thursday – hot and sunny with afternoon clouds.

Anyone know how to get a frog out of a car and stop Wendy having hysterics? She says it’s poisonous 
because it’s got a yellow eye. If it doesn’t go soon it’ll be a dessicated frog in this heat. Don’t even ask why we have one in the car. 

Drive down to old Naples. Finally managed to find the Visitors centre, always well hidden. Although to be fair they were the most welcoming and helpful we’ve ever encountered. They were aghast when we said we were walking 2 miles though the old town to the pier. No don’t do it. It’s too hot. Go in your car. Pointed out that those things on the end of our legs were specially designed for walking.

Old Naples. Well not really that old, as with most “Old Towns”. But very pleasant. More expensive shops than Hijabs in Blackburn market.

Then it’s off to the Apple store, again, to buy 2 Apple TV’s. Ask questions about compatibility in the UK. IMG 1667 oes HDMI eliminate the worry about the PAL / NTSC split? No problem. Voltage? No problem. But then it gets really techy. Netflix doesn’t work in the UK! Finally track down a long haired yeti and his faithful buddy Tonto who seem to know they’re bits from their bytes. After much discussion confirm that it’s exactly the same model as the UK model and if Netflix works on my UK Apple TV then it will work on US one. These two nerds were orgasmic about such a technical question, happier than a nerd with a Raspberry Pi. Saved £34 on each, £65 rather than £99 – usual rip off Britain. 

Fit bit says 12,000 steps, just over 5 miles.

Coming to towns near us if we don’t kick this oppressive, evil religion into touch:

Islamic police in northern Nigeria’s Kano state will begin enforcing Sharia law.Ten thousand officers will be on the streets forcing all citizens, including Christians, to adhere to repressive Islamic legal codes. Law enforcement has orders to arrest anyone wearing indecent dress such as sleeveless T-shirts and shorts that cut off just below the knee. They’ll also be watching the city’s small, motorized rickshaw taxis for men and women traveling together.

Friday – hot and sunny.

Wendy’s not so good. Women’s problems again, UTI. Lazy day in for her. I venture out to take my Fitbit IMG 1665 or a walk. Yes I know walking’s totally un-American. The local police look at you as if you’re a terrorist without his burka coverall. Walk down to the dock, watch the boats. Then to the beach and ogle the eye candy. Looks like I’ve finally found a use for the Burka / Hijab. They could be used to cover up those scary whales in skimpy bikinis that make anyone run for cover.

Amazing isn’t it you’re not allowed to take a martini on the beach – see sign – but automatic weapons are ok. God bless the 2nd. Then it’s a coffee at the Marriot Vacation place – people watching. I’m sure no bar would be complete without a very fat walrus like loud American geezer complete with quiet blond bimbo moll.

Manage to clock up 5 miles. Loose 3 gallon of sweat. Boy is it hot. 

Get back to find a notice on pinned on the door. Apparently a friend of the owners has called around, popped in and wrote a note while Wendy was doing the ironing totally unaware. So much for an open door policy – good job she wasn’t in the shower!

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Life can be so very cruel. You go shopping for a decent beer, a rare commodity over here despite the plethora of choice – what sort of pervert wants a strawberry beer. Get all orgasmic when I see some a pack of Krombacher. A real treat. Then I do that Wendy thing and check the sell by date. Dam me no, they’re all out of date. Madder than a rubber allergic lesbian at the international dildo expo.

New rules – yes just like Bill Maher – I’m adding a new rules / new laws section – ideas for our clowns to implement in the big chatter house.

New rule – change 3rd law of retirement from “No TV during the day” to “No TV before 19:00”. Why? After 2 hours of TV we’ve had enough.

A few non PC muslim jokes. Let’s hope it desensitises them:

I’m not sure who invented the halal meat-slicer but I bet Abu Hamza had a hand in it!

I’ve just seen a Muslim woman breastfeeding her baby. I thought, ‘That can’t be Halal milk, she’s still alive.’ 

The BBC reported that Muslim parents are withdrawing children from music lessons because their beliefs forbid them from learning music. The British government has therefore issued a new list of songs that are acceptable to Muslims:

*Halal (Is It Meat You’re Looking For), by Lionel Richie
*They Tired To Mecca Me Go To Jihad (But I Said No, No, No), by Amy Winehouse
*The Ayatollah of the Tiger, by Survivor
*The Way You Mecca Me Feel, by […]

I want to be more multicultural and give halal meat a try. Does anyone know where I can buy some halal bacon for breakfast?

Just been to my first Muslim birthday party. The musical chairs was a bit slow, but dam me the pass the parcel was quick! 

20131101 – Good To Be Back

Friday – rain, must still be in the UK.

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Welcome back, you two. Just a reminder black text is what we’ve been up to; blue text is jokes, sick humour, hopefully all non PC; purple text is my blood boiling rants, always non PC; red text is reserved for those so very special rants and jibes at religion, all religions, all non PC and such a fertile source for ridicule. If you’re offended by my opinions or anything I say, tough, I don’t care. Stop reading, I really don’t seek your approval. Just my way of stopping my blood boiling and standing up for free speech.

Off to Manchester airport to catch Virgin flight to Orlando. Disaster befalls Wendy in the airport lounge, only a quarter bottle of brandy left. I did warn them that Wendy was coming but obviously didn’t realise what a prodigious drinker she was and how many tablets she had to wash down. Rejoice, rejoice they bring out a new bottle after I point out that the other one is now empty. Wendy manages to board the plane unassisted.

Flight was very comfortable. Movies were good. Whitehouse Down was awesome, the new Die Hard. Food was as crap as ever but our M&S buttes saved the day, smart move Wendy. Dolly with the trolley asked how come I’d bought sandwiches. Told her I’d flown Virgin before, she laughed. Whats with the latest in flight fashion? Why are these giant orangutangs, with biceps the size of a hookers thigh, more tattoos than graffiti on a toilet wall, more piercings than holes in a string vest, parading up and down in a dingy white vests. Ah the answers very simple. Free drinks. It’s a wonder they’re not crawling down the isles. I think it’s a scrots road trip. Despite the company on board the nice thing about Virgin is that the dollies with trolleys all smile and have a laugh, unlike most US airlines where they all seem to have been lobotomised.

Usual crap on landing 45 minutes to get through immigration. As always I bite my tongue and say nothing. But sad to see the educational standard requirements for gun toting immigration officials is slipping. They clearly can’t read as all the questions they asked were filled in on my form. Heaven forbid they should smile.

Fiasco with Hertz mobile as I’m directed to the wrong collection point.

Hampton Inn Hotel is very swish and comfortable, just that bit nicer than Choice hotels.

Spend the evening around the pool and fire pit, with two nesh Texas Sheriffs who need the fire pit lighting to keep them warm in the cold 70 F evening. Spend most of the evening chatting with these two and putting the World to right. It turns out they are flying Sheriffs who fly all over the US to pick up badies and bring them back to Texas for incarceration. Get some great tips for our planned Texas trip next year.

Crazy laws in Florida:

Florida (accidentally) banned all computers and smartphones in internet cafes.

It is illegal for a doctor to ask a patient whether they own a gun.

The state constitution allows for freedom of speech, a trial by jury, and pregnant pigs to not be confined in cages.

One may not commit any “unnatural acts” with another person.

Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown. Dam me no, I’m devastated.

Saturday – hot and sunny.

Dust off the mildew and don me shorts. Let the air get to me dangly bits and give the World the benefit of me knees.

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Drive down to Marco Island in full size gas guzzler. Take the scenic cross country route. Certainly get to see the other side of Florida. People sat on their steps reading papers, drinking and smoking god knows what.

Arrive at our home exchange on Marco Island. Wow. Lovely two bedroom home complete with Honda CV SUV, giant TV’s, pool, jacuzzi, own dock, boat, kayaks, push bikes and of course. You name it, it has it and of course it wouldn’t be complete without the giant all American barbie. No aluminium trays here. Our hosts have left the fridge stocked and even a bottle of my  favourite Pinot Noire to welcome us.

Another awesome Home Exchange. People ask us why we do it? Isn’t it risky? My question is why wouldn’t you do it?

After lunch Wendy gets her weekly treat and goes to Publix, her favourite supermarket. Sadly it has no coffee shop, so after selecting the vital supplies like coffee and wine, I drive off to Starbucks. It’s America no one walks.

Marco Island is lovely. Landscaped, pristine, no blades of grass out of place. Fantastic properties. Very expensive. You get a feeling of dollars oozing everywhere. Rolls Royce’s trying to drive up your exhaust pipe – buggers. Even in Starbucks the guy in front of me asks them to put a $100 on his Starbucks card, none of my $10 at a time uploads. And yes there are old people here, but they’re a spritely lot and not a zimmer frame in sight also plenty of younger eye candy to keep the pupils exercised.

 

 

Crazy laws in Florida:

Unmarried couples may not commit “lewd acts” and live together in the same residence.

 

Corrupting the public morals is defined as a nuisance, and is declared a misdemeanor offense.

 

Doors of all public buildings must open outwards.

 

It is illegal to sell your children.

 

Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal. 

Well looks like I’m going to be monitored. Fame at last.

The European Parliament is quietly considering a proposal that calls for the direct surveillance of any EU citizen suspected of being “intolerant.”

Critics say the measure — which seeks to force the national governments of all 28 EU member states to establish “special administrative units” to monitor any individual or group expressing views that the self-appointed guardians of European multiculturalism deem to be “intolerant” — represents an unparalleled threat to free speech in a Europe where citizens are already regularly punished for expressing the “wrong” opinions, especially about Islam.Sunday – very hot and sunny.

Looking on the bright side though it’ll probably increase my readership by 50%. Yet another attack on free speech from the lunies in the EU. Get us out of there.

Sunday – hot and sunny.

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Lazy morning. Take the Hertz mobile back and have a leisurely stroll back to the house. Found 3 blades of grass out of place on the sidewalk (pavement), reported it to the local council. Then it’s a leisurely coffee and read around the pool. 

Plenty of black panther crossings. Apparently there genuinely are black panthers a roaming around. Sadly an endangered species.

Next task is to figure out how to drive this boat. Which side of the road do you drive on? What do the buoys mean? Then the other big question is how to get in the Kayak from a ladder off the dock? I can see some ducking coming my way.

Looks like our UKIP guy Bongo, Bongo escaped to Naples. Our loss is there gain. We’v enough clowns in the chatter house so why not a few eccentrics to perk things up.

 

 

Crazy laws in Florida:

It is considered an offence to shower naked.

 

You are not allowed to break more than three dishes per day, or chip the edges of more than four cups and/or saucers.

 

Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.

 

Oral sex is illegal.

 

All the latest hoohah about Burkas, terrorist suspects escaping in them, has made me change my liberal views. I now support banning the burka and niqab everywhere, perhaps even in muslim bedrooms. Prior to this latest episode I felt we should tolerate it in public but not inside any buildings, e.g. no smoking, no burkas.

But before imposing such a ban I think there’s a money making opportunity. Has anyone noticed the preponderance of colourful hijabs, you know the headscarf thingy worn by the women in the religion of peace. A lot of them also seem to be hiding a ginormous growth on the back of the head – poor things. Allah knows what thats all about. But the point is they’re becoming a fashion statement rather than the boring black.

What about investing in colourful, patterned Niqabs or burkas. What a wonderful business opportunity. Gone are the boring black or blues, hello flowery, psychedelic, brightly coloured patterns and images. I can see a whole range to suit all tastes. There could be the hooker range having a low cut top, fish net stocking and mini-skirts printed on them, all done in the best possible taste. Perhaps even a range with see through panels in selected areas. The site of a naked ankle could drive the bearded ones wild; bare midriffs, are there any navel piercing under there; backless, very tasty. I’m sure Anne Summers and Victorias Secrets would jump at the opportunities. I suppose cartoon characters might me a tad risky. The mind boggles. Anybody want to invest in this short term opportunity.

So please don’t ban it for at least a year to allow my new business to coin it.

Monday – hot and sunny.

Excitement go shopping for an American bank account. Wow what excellent customer service you get.

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Then we drive down to Naples. My shopping treat as we go to the Apple store in a very swish mall. New iPad is amazingly light and thin but Wendy resists the temptation.

They probably charge $10 just to go in the stores here. Can we look in the windows for free? No dogs shit, chewing gum, tattoos, earrings, hoodies or scrots around here. Then it’s a caffein fix and some people watching from Starbucks.

Find a cheaper Mall. At least here we can afford to go in the shops and there’s the tempting Cheesecake Factory. The nerd in me gets the better of me as I invest in a Fitbit – sadly it’s not a young 21 year old nympho maniac – but a device for monitoring daily activity and sleep. Very nerdy I know, but boys have to have their toys.

Now I know this is the land of opportunity, but a Spatula Stall. Come on. Who buys these little gems of consumerism on steroids.

Get back home just before the rain comes down. 

 

Crazy laws in Florida:

A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.

You may not kiss your wife’s breasts

If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.

Penalty for horse theft is death by hanging.

It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.