Monthly Archives: November 2013

20131124 – Lazy Days Aboard My Kayak

Sunday – hot and sunny.


PS that’s it, no more crab or shellfish. Creatures that Filter 50 gallons of polluted water a day do my digestive system no favours. I’ve now probably got enough mercury in me to become a thermometer and enough lead to be a battery.

We both take a bike ride down to Starbucks for a leisurely, free, pumpkin spiced latte. No cream on top as a gesture to diet. Why free? Well they screwed up last time, and unsolicited gave me a free voucher as an apology. They may not pay tax, but they do have a good attitude to customer service, so the Victor in me can lie dormant.

Beware low flying palm fronds today. As we sit on the patio at Starbucks they rain down on unsuspecting passers by. Luckily no one injured but they’d certainly pole axe you.

More unnerving courtesy from drivers as they even reverse out of the way for cyclists if they’re blocking the pavement while trying to exit. 

After that a light lunch. 9 grapes, I’ve already had enough calories from that giant latte – well it was free, and it’d been un-American not to have a big ne.

Then it’s off out for a tour in the kayak. Wendy sticks to the knitting. Pity as she would have been really useful as ballast in the front of this two man (gender specific) kayak. Make it so much easier to steer and paddle. Really doesn’t know what she missing, like getting within 6 foot of an osprey. Any closer than that and he clearly doesn’t want to share the big fish he’s greedily keeping in his claws. Plenty more big rich houses and boats. The one thing that seems to be lacking is people.

How lucky can you get. This is the life. As I get up close and personal with a dolphin, any closer and he’ll be on my lap or vice versa.

Thought for the day, from aboard my kayak. If I’d not seen the light, the thought of those lunatics running the asylum, I could still be working for the evil empire for at least another 13 months, 
 hanging in there like loose teeth, before me gold watch ceremony! 

Whoopee 17:00. Break open a classic beer – Warsteiner – and get me $20 black box of Merlot on standby – quality wine. Hopefully can anaesthetise me taste buds before having to eat me weekly IMG 1765Sunday vegetables / greens – allegedly they’re good for me. Never mind soon be junk food Monday.

Good news. It seems that either god or Wendy has been reading my blog draft. No greens today, instead I get me favourite vegetable – yes, I do have one – sweetcorn.

How to describe a women. The non PC version of course:

Her breasts will never sag, they will lose their vertical hold.

She does not get drunk, she is accidentally over served or she becomes verbally dyslexic.

She does not get PMS, she becomes hormonally homicidal.

She does not hate sports on TV, she is athletically biased.

She does not have a great butt, she is gluteus to the maximus.

She does not have a hard body, she is anatomically inflexible.

New headline – Cameron to defy EU on migrants. Has he finally grown some gonads? Will common sense prevail? Don’t hold your breath. We’re more likely to see Christmas carols led by Abdullah bin Abdulaziz bin Abdulrahman bin Faisal bin Turki bin Abdullah bin Muhammad bin Saud (Saudi king geezer to give him his full name) around a Christmas tree in a pub in Saudi, than have the EU kicked into touch.

Afghan government officials have proposed reintroducing public stoning as a punishment for adultery, Human Rights Watch said, even though the practice has been denounced both inside and outside the country as one of the most repugnant symbols of the Taliban regime.The sentence for married adulterers, along with flogging for unmarried offenders, appears in a draft revision of the country’s penal code being managed by the ministry of ‘justice’.

IMG 1770

Am I surprised?

Monday – warm, sun and plenty of cloud.

Drive down to Fort Myers to see what it has to offer. Not a lot is the answer, apart from more law firms than there are inmans issuing ridiculous fatwas. However they do have these guys and galls wandering around in shorts and bright yellow tee shirts with the words “Parking  Ambassador” splashed across their back. I’ll give you one guess what their function is? Traffic wardens – only in America.

Call in at Miramar Outlets to see if Michael Kors, we don’t know him personally, has Wendy’s Christmas dress in. Sadly no just a load of old tat. I have leisurely Starbucks and some blobby watching whilst Wendy has a browse in peace. Seems like the place is full of last years tat.

Here we have up to 990 channels of mind numbing mush, dominated by adverts so long that you can cook a 3 course meal during each one and nothing worth even channel hopping for. TV to pick your nose to.

A small comment on American coffee. It all, and I do mean all, used to be brown coloured flavourless pinklewater, with not even the taste of rancid dishwater to distinguish it. Now thanks to Starbucks and a few good followers / imitators it seems that there’s been an American coffee industry epiphany. They’ve discovered that coffee can have flavour, be strong and have a real kick to it. It has resulted in a culture of coffee zealots – an ironic biblical reversal of a zealot having an epiphany.

Let’s hope that in the not too distant future they can have an epiphany and discover good lager / beer.

Now here’s a PC term from the progressive dhimmis in the Obama administration:

Global War on Terror – Overseas Contingency Operation.

How to describe a women. The non PC version of course:

She does not have a killer body, she is terminally attractive.

She does not have big hair, she is overly aerosoled.

IMG 1771

She does not have big hooters, her cups runneth over.

She does not have great cleavage or a great rack, her breasts are centrally located.

She does not have sexy lips, she is collagen dependent.

She does not shave her legs, she experiences temporary stubble reduction.

How wrong can you be about something so mind numbingly trivial:

The British Hen Welfare Trust. Re-homes commercial laying hens. Some 393,684 re-homed to date. Educates the public about how they can make a difference to hen welfare. Can you believe it? Surely someones having a laugh. Patrons include the chef Jamie Oliver and actress Amanda Holden. It says all hens should be given access to the outdoors and wants farmers to convert to small scale free-range systems.Yet research by an independent expert on animal welfare has found that the average free-range laying hen enjoys a lower standard of welfare than one kept in a cage.

Goldfish for jam jars.

And who says Angola is a backward, third World country. They’re certainly not stupid:

Angola has reportedly declared Islam illegal and ordered for all of the country’s mosques to be closed down. Minister of culture Rosa Cruz e Silva said that mosques in the largely Christian country would be closed until further notice. She described Islam as a sect that would be banned as counter to Angolan customs and culture.

Looks like I’ll be adding it to my TripAdvisor bucket list!

Tuesday – starts off cloudy, is this going to be a Belthorn day? No by 10:00 suns out and we’re heading to the 80’s, again.

Bike down to the local museum. Very swish. Very small. Very free. Learn a lot about the Calusa indians. They died out before the white man had chance to rob them of their land and commit genocide. No one knows why. Was it disease from the conquistadors and their animals? Was it climate? Or did they know that they would be herded to some barren desert land, given a casino to run and their days would be numbered in the 20th century? 

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Also get a good historical understanding of how Marco Island was developed or exploited depending upon which side of the eco PC fence you sit. Take it from us as we cycle, cruise in HMSS Black Pig and kayak around, it’s a veritable civilised paradise. Although it does lack a Taco Bell. By far the nicest place we’ve been to in Florida.

By way of a change we call in at Starbucks. Another free coffee courtesy of the offer on my empty coffee bag. Sit and people watch. How come the guy in a stunning blue open top SL550, yes I’m drooling with envy at the car, has a disabled sticker, you have to be fit to get in and out of one? Is that the Michelin women whose just bulged by on her collapsing bike in, her fat fold hugging blue lycra, complete with cellulite dimples as deep as sink holes?

Lazy afternoon around the pool, with Pat Condell and Jeremy Clarkson for comfort. How I love their rants. Should be compulsory reading in all English literature and religious studies classes.

Now how to describe a man, non PC version of course to maintain equality and balance:

He does not have a beer gut; he develops a Liquid Grain Storage Facility. 

He does not: Hog the blankets He is: Thermally unappreciative

He is not: Unsophisticated He is: Socially malformed

He does not: Eat like a pig He suffers from: Reverse bulimia

He is not: A sex machine He is: Romantically automated

He is not a: Male chauvinist pig He has: Swine empathy

He is not: Quiet He is a: Conversational minimalist

How embarrassing:

Thank you for contacting the BBC iPlayer Support Team. 

“We understand that you feel it is unnecessary to be asked if you have installed BBC iPlayer Downloads every time you try to download a programme.

This message is seen as we haven’t determined a way to successfully detect whether the software is installed.”

Typical BBC iPlayer crap. About time they employed some proper programmers, a good tester, an HCI expert and someone with some common sense.


Baroness Warsi, our unelected “Minister for Faith”, in a speech at Georgetown University in Washington on Friday, stated that the UK is “committed to working with the United Nations Human Rights Council to implement Resolution 16/18. “We are? Can anyone remember agreeing to this dhimmi idea?

She then went on to make this hilarious statement: “The Organisation of Islamic Cooperation (OIC) also remains a key partner in our quest to promote religious freedom.” She’s obviously either that stupid and ignorant of the atrocities and human right violations perpetrated in the name of religion in islamic states, in which case she shouldn’t even be allowed out to walk a dog never mind spout up for this country. Or she is doing that convenient muslim thing of taqiyya, lying to non-believers – permitted according to the Koran.

Should we laugh or cry? Resolution 16/18, mainly a ban on blasphemy, another nail in the Free Speech coffin, is a proposal which received the support of the United States back in 2011, it calls upon UN member states to combat “intolerance, negative stereotyping and stigmatization of, and discrimination, incitement to violence and violence against, persons based on religion or belief.” It was initially introduced in March 2011 at the UN Human Rights Council by the OIC. This coterie, dominated by Islamist states, had made several previous attempts to have a resolution passed which aimed to criminalise “defamation of religions” but had failed. This time, due to some clever re-wording, the tactic worked and non-binding resolution was agreed.

Interesting how this could backfire on islamic states who persecute Christians etc. Mind you not that they’ll bother with that bit of it, but instead just use it as another excuse to throw their toys out the pram, riot, threaten, kill and squeal like a stuck pig (Expression offensive? Tough) any time the religion of permanent offence is quite rightly criticised.

So here’s my promise. Once all the islamic states have fully implemented resolution 16 / 18, including prosecution of violators then I’ll shout the benefits of 16 / 18 from the top of the highest minaret in Blackburn. Don’t bother to take your iPhone ear pods out this millennium.

Wednesday –  Wow that was some storm overnight, thunder, lightning, a deluge, the works. Fortunately the weather here has the good sense to keep the rain etc to night time.


Lazy morning. No farmers market trip today. 

Even lazier afternoon reading around the pool.

Sorry there’s not much in the way of photos so instead I’ve posted some totally inappropriate, non PC joke pictures after Wendy’s seditious face book posting.

Now some good news. Don’t have a colour for good news, it’s so rare. Apparently Britain risks being seen as the “nasty country” of Europe if it presses ahead with unilateral curbs on benefit payments to new migrants from the European Union, a top EU official warned today.

Bring it on, lets go all out to create an image worse than Taliban dominated Afghanistan complete with roaming gangs of xenophobic fascist gangs and black death, plague and pestilence endemic in all corners of the realm. Perhaps we should spend a bob or two with Satchi and Satchi to really push the image.That should keep the buggers out.

Bad news is they’re not really tough enough. Simple until you’ve paid in for a few years (the more the merrier) you’re entitled to nought, zero, nada, zilch.

Now how to describe a man, non PC version of course to maintain equality and balance:

You do not: Undress him with your eyes You have a: Introspective pornographic moment


He is not: Afraid of commitment He is: Monogamously challenged

He does not have a: Fabulous rear end He has achieved: Buttocks perfection

He is not: Stupid He suffers from: Minimal cranial development

He does not: Get lost all the time He discovers: Alternative destinations

He is not: Balding He is in: Follicle regression

You really do have to laugh at these latest fatwas from Egypt, issued by Muslim Brotherhood and Salafis, they regard women as strange creatures created solely for sex. They considered the voices of women, their looks and presence outside the walls of their homes an ‘offence.’ Some went as far as to consider women as a whole ‘offensive.


A woman swimming is an ‘adulteress’. But fear not for there is a perfectly rational explanation. When a women goes swimming, as the word for sea is masculine, when “the water touches the woman’s private parts, she becomes an ‘adulteress’ and should be punished.”.  Hang on then. If a man goes swimming is he being a gay. And we all know what happens to gay muslims – bring out the mobile cranes. Looks like swimmings out for all muslims.

Women touching bananas is forbidden. Women are forbidden from eating certain vegetables or even touching cucumbers or bananas, due to their phallic imagery, which may tempt women to deviate. About as rational as stoning a women for being raped.

It is unacceptable for women to turn the air conditioning on at home during the absence of their husbands as this could be used as a sign to indicate to neighbors that the woman is at home alone and any of them could commit adultery with her. Think it’s  more to do with muslim men being tight wads and wanting to save some money.

Marriage to ten-year-old girls should be allowed to prevent girls “from deviating from the right path”.

A marriage is annulled if the husband and wife copulate with no clothes on. Must be so much better having a shag in a burka.

One sanctioned the use of women and children as human shields in violent demonstrations and protests, as these are considered jihads to empower Islam.


Even slavery was permitted, according to the study: “the people who issued these fatwas demanded the enactment of a law allowing divorced women to own slaves,” presumably to help her, as she no longer has a man to support her.

But I’ve saved the best until last “adult breastfeeding,” (bitty) which called on women to “breastfeed” male acquaintances, thereby making them relatives and justifying their mixed company — was issued by Al Azhar, but later retracted.

All coming to a town near us if we don’t stop this pernicious, barbaric religion.

2013121 – Sun Dresses, Kayaks and Boats

Thursday – hot and sunny.


Shopping morning as Wendy wants another sun dress. Yesterdays heat has driven her in search of really cool clothes – cool in the lack of therms sense, not the over abused perversion of the word sense.

Wendy has been hankering to visit the local thrift store, full of the rich coffee morning Stepford wives, with their open top sports cars ,  rummaging around for a bargain. Seems like Wendy’s got withdrawal symptoms, missing Blackburn British Heart Foundation shop, part of her weekly shopping treat back home – sad. Similar concept. Totally different IMG 1661clientele.

Then we come across another example of Americas obsession with dogs. This time it’s a cafe and bakery for dogs. The owners must be dafter than their dogs.

Marco Island is just teaming with open top cars. Usually driven by bejewelled Stepford wives or 70 year old fellows trying to recapture their mis-spent youth in their phallic rump hunters. Will someone please ship me my SLK over, it cries out for it. Mind you there’s not so many of those cheap SLK here, they’re nearly all the proper SL550 thoroughbreds.

It also seems like there’s a new job creation scheme. Job title dust blower. Yes, they’ve given up blowing the leafs somewhere else, now they’re paying someone to blow dust away – do they not realise it will come back.


That’s another 2 hours of my life gone up in smoke. It would have been more usefully spent trying to teach a Taliban the Lords prayer.

As my compensation we stop at Starbucks for a coffee.

Lazy afternoon sorting out these iPads while Madame Defarge clicks away around the pool, knitting yet another jumper. Never mind, all that clicking will keep the lizards at bay.

Catch up on BBC TV in the evening. More Eastenders rattling on, still it beats America’s offerings. TV to pick your nose to, spread over 400 channels. Meanwhile on Netflix we’ve started on “Nip & Tuck” and “Weeds”. Preferable to Eastenders anyday, but then again watching palm trees grow is favourable to watching that dragged out soap.


The Royal Navy intercepted three boatloads of people off the Kent coast near Dover today. This interception placed the Royal Navy in an awkward position, as the boats were not heading to, but away from Kent towards France.
Another surprise finding was that they were loaded with British people who were all seniors of pensionable age. Their claim was that they were trying to get to Calais so as to be able to return to the UK as illegal immigrants and therefore be entitled to far more benefits than they were receiving as legitimate UK pensioners.
The Navy, it is believed, gave them food, water and fuel and assisted them on their journey.
We are booking to get on the next boat out; let me know if you want to come.

Friday – hot, sun and cloud.


Up at the crack of sparrows. Off on a 2 hour naturalist (they’re the ones that come fully clothed – thank god) guided kayak tour around Rookery Bay nature reserve . Needless to say Wendy sticks with the knitting.

There’s only 3 of us on the tour. All Brits which is unusual considering we’ve hardly encountered any compatriots for 3 weeks. Mind you the women has as much control of her kayak as I do with a shopping trolley. Or perhaps she was so attracted to me she just couldn’t resist ramming me!

Great tour full of interesting facts and creatures pulled out of the swamps, they make it really interesting and informative, especially on all the conservation work.

See plenty of wildlife Herons, including little blue heron; egrets; ibis; storks; more osprey than muslims at a stoning; clams; oysters; molluscs; dolphins to name but a few. A good morning out.


After lunch Wendy does her shopping thing and I have a leisurely afternoon around the pool reading and hibernating in the cool air con. Then we get our first experience of daytime rain. Just 10 minutes of a monsoon and then it gives up, none of your long drawn out all day drizzle.

A few thoughts on American cheese. As your probably aware by now we love most things American and they do excel in those shallow but oh so nice things like quality of housing, luxury cars and overall quality of life. But when it comes to cheese they’re definitely in the 3rd World. Most of it seems to be made of plastic, similar in consistency to a soft but not too sloppy white plastic rubber. When it comes to taste then it’s like munching on a flavourless jelly fish, all the taste and texture of a mouldy fried octopus. They, the Americans, have about 40 different cheeses. Most seems processed. Whilst I think my views on France, especially it’s dour ignorant miserable inhabitants, are well known, I do have to admit that their 400 different appellation controlled cheeses do excel. What about British cheese I hear you say. Well they are good and tasty but I never considered us to be up there with the French in terms of numbers, but research shows we have some 700 different cheeses. That’ll teach me to underestimate good old Blighty. 


More PC terms:

Battle Fatigued – shellshocked 

Blind – optically darker, photonically non-receptive, visually challenged

Body Odor – nondiscretionary fragrance.

Broken Down Automobile – mechanically challenged 

Broken Home – Dysfunctional Family

Bum – Displaced Homeowner, Homeless Person, Involuntarily Domiciled

Cannibalism – Intra-Species Dining

Censorship – Selective Speech


A major inquiry has been launched into female genital mutilation to ‘get to the truth’ about why no-one has been convicted three decades after it was made illegal. 


It is estimated that as many as 66,000 women in the UK have suffered FGM with 24,000 girls under 11 also at risk. It seems to me the truth is as obvious as Islams hatred of free speech. Just another example of the dhimmi approach of the scardy nere do wells in the big chatter house and the piloce. Allah forbid we should upset muslim sensibilities. Mustn’t antagonise local cohesion.

New law – lets not bother fining or imprisoning anyone found guilty. Just deport them.

Saturday – Hot, sun and cloud.

Well we’ve been here 3 weeks now and I’m starting to get withdrawal symptoms. Not a black bin DSC09975 liner anywhere to be seen; not even a black or multi-coloured hijab; no bearded ones; no white tea cosy’s on heads; no white pyjamas or flowing gowns from the bottom half of a Klu Klux Klan muppet. Now I know the average age around here’s somewhere in that top quartile, but theres no zimmer frame grid lock, probably all had platinum hip replacements on private health care, rather then waiting for a ready rusted cast iron Obamcare job. But sadly I can’t even recall seeing any crotch droppings.

Lazy morning and then we decide to go down to the local Snook Inn for lunch. Big difference is we go in the boat. Provide some entertainment for the diners as Captain Pugwash tries to dock the HMSS Black Pig, with Maggie Lafayette’s assistance. Getting better but still not as easy as it looks.


Have a lovely crab, fish, scallops (slightly under cooked for our liking) and conch meal. Need the usual doggy tray to take half the meal home. Forgive me for I have sinned. The flesh was just too weak, as i have a pint of amber ale. To celebrate our first pub lunch by boat, my excuse anyway. I love crab cakes but they very rarely seem to love me. Tomorrow will tell.

Leisurely sail back with Maggie Lafayette at the helm, while Captain Pugwash soaks up some rays. Just look at the speed as she gets cocky and cranks it up to all of 12 knots

More bollocks from the PC liberal progressives. it seems they are so open minded their brains have fallen out:

Universities can segregate students during debates as long as the women are not forced to sit behind the men, university leaders have said. Segregation at the behest of a controversial speaker is an issue which arises “all the time” and banning men and women from sitting next to each during debates is a “big issue” facing universities, Universities UK has said. As a result they have issued guidance which suggests that segregation is likely to be acceptable as long as men and women are seated side by side and one party is not at a disadvantage.


Not it’s not a big issue. It’s simple, this is GREAT Britain. These are our ways. Why are highly paid intellectual vice chancellors wasting public money even considering this. We allow the sexes to intermingle, they have even been known to sit on the same toilets seats, share bicycles, we even allow them to have sex, it’s all part of our culture. If some loony hate preacher or other religious fanatic wants to talk at our universities, I’m all for it, freedom of speech. BUT. They do it on our cultural terms or bugger off. Not a day goes by without an example of even more dhimmitude.


It really is enough to make you want to join those thugs and scrots in the EDL. I think I’m going to start a new organisation “Middle England Defence League” (MEDLers) for sensible people. They exist in their millions. They’ve all had enough of this daily lunacy. They’re fed up with common senseless dhimmi politicians on this and other issues. They don’t want their grandchildren growing up wearing black bin liners and beards. Wake up. Smell the coffee, they are at war with us and seek to overthrow our way of life.


More PC terms:



Cheating – Academic Dishonesty


China – Porcelain


Chronically Late – Temporarily Challenged


Clumsy – uniquely coordinated


Commercial Fisherman – Flipper Whipper


Computer Illiterate – Technologically Challenged


Corpse – Permanently Static Post-Human Mass, Metabolically Challenged, Terminally Inconvenienced


After our evening with the two flying sherifs from Texas something they said got me thinking. They claim that cities / states with strict gun controls have the highest incident of gun deaths. Sounds like NRA claptrap.

Sounded illogical to me, but at the time I had no evidence to refute it, so I started digging.

A major study by JAMA (Journal of the American Medical Association) shows a direct correlation DSC09987 between gun laws and gun-related fatalities. It confirms that generally speaking, stricter gun laws result in fewer deaths.

This study flies in the face of everything the NRA’s claims. This is the report’s conclusion:

“In conclusion, we found an association between the legislative strength of a state’s firearm laws—as measured by a higher number of laws—and a lower rate of firearm fatalities. The association was significant for firearm fatalities overall and for firearm suicide and firearm homicide deaths, individually.” Stricter gun laws equal fewer gun deaths.

“Experts” from the Harvard School of Public Health, using data from 26 developed countries, have shown that wherever there are more firearms, there are more homicides. I’ve a 6 year granddaughter who could have figured that out. Britain has one of the Worlds toughest gun control laws and lowest death rates. You are 40 times more likely to be shot and die in the USA than in the UK.

Another ridiculous NRA claim is that if everyone packed an assault rifle and a couple revolvers with high capacity clips, no one will ever get shot except “bad guys.”

Again ”the evidence” suggests that on average, having a gun actually increases the likelihood that a person will be injured or killed, rather than that it will be used to protect that individual from harm. If you own a gun, the most likely person you are to shoot is yourself. The next most likely person you are to shoot is a close family member. Homes with guns are a dozen times more likely to have household members or guests killed or injured by the weapon than by an intruder. The odds are much greater that the gun will be used against you or a loved one than that it will be used against an armed assailant or an intruder. Firearms are more often discharged in a homicide, suicide or an accident, than in self-defense.

Clearly owning a gun increases your risk of falling victim to a gun accident, a suicide or a homicide.

The data to support the NRA claims is non-existent.

The public strongly supports stricter gun laws. The NRA opposes all of them.

The NRA is really a front organization for gun manufacturers and retailers who make billions a year off gun sales. The NRA is not so much about protecting constitutional rights as they are about protecting profits.

So next time you hear this ludicrous NRA propaganda you’ll know the facts.