Monthly Archives: December 2012

20121226 – Dress Shopping And Goodbye Sarasota

Wednesday – warm, manages 79F, but a short monsoon downpour and grey afternoon.

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Spend the day sorting Wendy’s Christmas presents. Return the failed dress and get our money back. Swap the dressing gown for a small – should have stuck with my gut instinct and bought the small, that’ll teach me to listen to shop assistants. Then spend sometime looking for a replacement dress. Waste of time, nothing seen – joy!

Here we go again. This is one of the people the PC fascists are avoiding upsetting with Christmas wishes – numpties.

Sydney’s Lakemba Mosque has issued a fatwa against Christmas, warning followers it is a sin to even wish people a Merry Christmas. The ruling was DSCF7985posted on its Facebook site on Saturday. The head imam at Lakemba, Sheikh Yahya Safi, told the congregation during prayers they should not have anything to do with Christmas.

Thursday – coldest day so far only manages 66F but brilliant sunshine. Lovely waking weather.

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Drive out to the Crowley Museum and Park. Original 19 century Homestead and nature reserve. Sadly hardly see any birds or wildlife but a lovely walk and pleasant lunch.

Then we drive down to Anna-Maria Island but after 30 minutes driving down Longboat Key we give up. Obviously much further than we thought. Longboat Key is a lovely area plenty of stylish properties and condos but very little public beach access. Drive back through Armands Circle and I DSCF8020can feel the call of a skinny Gingerbread Latte from Starbucks. Very pleasant sat in the sun people and car watching – all those lazy geezers using valet parking. I can never understand it, that lazy they’d rather pay someone than walk a few yards and then have to wait an age to get their car back, in which time they could have walked to their car.

Wendy gets a new dress from one of the many chic shops.

Here they go again – banning Christmas:

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Saudi religious police stormed a house in the province of al-Jouf, detaining more than 41 guests for plotting to celebrate Christmas, a statement from the police said.

The host of the alleged Christmas gathering is reported to be an Asian diplomat whose guests included 41 Christians, as well as two Saudi Arabian and Egyptian Muslims. The host and the two Muslims were said to be severely intoxicated.

The intolerant and repressive country only recognizes Islamic faith and practice and has in the past banned public Christmas celebrations, but is ambiguous about festivities staged in private quarters. 

Friday – warm, sun and cloud with rain at tea time.

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Wendy’s tidying up and packing so I get from under the feet and go kayaking on Siesta Key. Leisurely morning around the Islands. Plenty of birds but alas no Manatees or Dolphins today. A great way to see the place and so very relaxing. One on one with my guide Martin, an ex-pat who really knows his stuff and has a real passion for it.

Really getting into the American way as I call in at Starbucks on my way home for my Gingerbread coffee – looks like I can get it with just coffee, none of this latte, froth and lashings of cream on top.

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Finish off packing etc ready for our drive down to Fort Lauderdale tomorrow.

We’ve loved it here in Sarasota. There’s just so much to see and do.  We managed to visit most of the places on our list and I would gladly come back. Weathers been just lovely, not too hot and not too cold. A few days when we had a hour or so’s rain but no days where it was a total wet day. Weather that allows you to enjoy whatever it is you’re up to. Enjoyed the culture here. Diving’s not really that good. Kayaking is great and if I come again will do much more of it. Such a pleasant way to see the place and nature. Next time hopefully the Mayaka river will be a bit deeper so that I can get to do that – highly recommend kayakfl.com. Also want to explore Anna- Maria Island, Holmes beach, it come high recommended and there’s some great kayaking. I think we just have to become Snowbirds and do November and December out here – although next year we’ll probably get back home just in timeIMG 0821 for Christmas. 

Continued details of the Revocation of Independence are posted below. Please read (if you can’t read try and find someone who can), inwardly digest and obey.

In order to better appreciate English humour the following English comedies will be broadcast on every TV channel – “Fawlty Towers”, “Only Fools and Horse”, “one Foot in the Grave”. These will be the full blown English version and not any sanitised or censored US version.

American TV advert times will be quartered and must have a 15 interval between advertisement slots.

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For a period of 3 months all the junk on your TV channels will be replaced British TV channels. Yes get used to it less than 30 quality channels to choose from rather than hundreds of dross. We believe you’ll thank us for it. There will be a referendum after the trial period to see whether you want to go back to the hundreds of free dross or pay $300 a year for British TV.

The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $12/US gallon. Get used to it.) The extra will go towards your health care system and of course some will be skimmed off the top by the Inland Revenue – taxman.

You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are P1130799not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

20121224 – Christmas Day On The Beach For A Change

Monday – Grey and overcast but at least it’s warm.

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Wendy tootles off to the supermarket while I get some work done.

After lunch we go mad and go out for a short birding / nature walk to the “Red Bug Slough” – sounds appealing doesn’t it. Alas no gators just Anhingers and Osprey.

Tuesday – Warm 77F, sunny in the morning overcast in the afternoon.

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Open our presents in bed. Didn’t we do well. I bought Wendy a dress and dressing gown. At least got one of them right, dressing gown ok but she’s not too sure on the dress. I’ve got a £100 to spend along with iPhone case and at last some handkerchiefs, . What is wrong with the World, Wendy tells me it quite difficult to find handkerchiefs these days.

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Drive down to Siesta Key Beach – voted Americas No 1 beach – have a pleasant couple of hours with the Kindle, picnic lunch and people watching. This geezer and his wife turn up complete with a loaded porters trolley and a full cart. Then starts to erect all sorts of wind driven kites and flyers. Most amusing, gave us hours of fun. Awaited the arrival of family and children but alas none came seems that he’s just a big kid who enjoys his flyers etc.

Very pleasant at these temperatures, make such a change from being too hot and sweaty. P1130835Makes beaches quite attractive.

Beach is heaving further down, as crowded as Blackpool on a good day. Mind you it is so clean and just fine pure brilliant white sand. Full of American families having simple fun. Building sandcastles. Cycling and walking along the beach, some even swimming and surfing. After our lunch we have an hours stroll along the tides edge.

Then we go mad on the way back and treat our selves to a Starbucks. I get the chance to be really trendy and order a “skinny gingerbread latte” – how cools that.

All that remains left to do now is have our belated Christmas dinner. Alas no goose.

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Continued details of the Revocation of Independence are posted below. Please read (if you can’t read try and find someone who can), inwardly digest and obey.

The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).

There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into P1130855account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination of ‘-ize.’ 

You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without shooting someone, suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.

All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect.

We like the idea of turn right on red if it is safe to do so and just to show how open we are to your good ideas we will adopt it in the UK. You of course will have to learn it’s a turn left on red.

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Immigration is a travesty with appalling queues and service for overseas visitor. In order to boost the economy and make you aware of the problem for the next year all overseas visitors will be given priority and American passport holders will be forced to queue like a visitor. The situation will be review at the end of the year to see whether you have learnt your lesson and improved the service.

The TSA will forthwith start using common sense – yes we appreciate that’s going to be difficult – but profiling will be a minimum requirement. You know it makes sense. Why should everyone be inconvenienced for a minority and we’ve had enough mumbo jumbo from the do-gooder PC thought police.

As you are predominantly a Christian Nation you will be required to cease this PC mumbo jumbo of wishing people happy holidays. Instead you will wish people Happy Christmas or Happy Easter as appropriate. Anybody who is offended, is obviously mentally deranged, and can apply for political asylum in some foreign country (not the UK) of their choosing.