Monthly Archives: October 2012

20121028 – Ned Kelly Country and the Great Alpine Road

Sunday – hot and sunny.

Up early for the long drive up to the Ned Kelly country and our tour along the great Alpine road.

To relieve the boredom and keep me awake a kangaroo bounces out. If we’d have been a second earlier then Wendy would have been rattly away from inside a roe’s pouch.DSCF7089 

Stop at Bright for lunch. A lovely little tourist town fortunately not spoilt. This seems like a great location for a house swap. Plenty of walks, places to see and plenty of character. No big cities. An Ozzie equivalent of Sedona

Waitress is one of the most bubbly we’ve ever encountered and very helpful. Must be the mountain air. 

DSCF7100Take the long windy drive up to Mount Hotham.Then drive on to Harrietville an even smaller and less spoilt village – very quaint. Everything seems to centre around the general store, come post office, come petrol station, come tourist shop. You name it they sell it. Another lovely location, unspoilt despite the ski trade.


We stay in a lovely 5 bedroom ski lodge at Dinner Plains – yes that’s the name of the ski village. It’s practically deserted. Go out for dinner. With a name like Dinner Plains there should be plenty of choice. Wrong! We’re lucky the central hotel is open. What’s on the menu? It’s a barbie, that should be good – these Ozzies know a thing or two about barbies. You can have DSCF7158sausage, sausage or sausage. To be fair there were 3 different types. Guess I’ll have a sausage.

Have to say it was very enjoyable and our Canadian chef went out of his way with the condiments and his home made blueberry barbie sauce. Then totally unsolicited he bought out a load of his home made fudge for us and gave us a cartoon of his barbie sauce to take home. A real character even if somewhat eccentrically dressed in a banana suit – apparently his Canadian Sunday church wear! A great and memorable evening.


Monday – hot and sunny. 

Delicious bacon and eggs for breakfast – my first in Oz.

Then we have a wander around the delights of Mount Hotham ski resort – it’s deserted. It’s a shame to see a grown man cry – not enough snow to ski on and the lifts were shut. I have to pass on my ambition to ski in Oz.


Have a look around where Kurt worked when he was up here – how anyone can call being at a ski resort work amazes me. How lucky can you get. 

At least the general stores open for coffee.

The Great Alpine Road certainly lives up to its name. Stunning views, goes straight through the ski resort and is a typical mountain road with switchbacks, z bends and some great drop DSCF7190offs for the unwary. Must be real fun when icy.But at least there’s signs on the road edges telling you to keep left or right rather to avoid dropping off the edge Seems some what obvious in summer but I suppose in winter when there’s snow banked up you can have numpties driving off into oblivion. Mind you it’s amazing that some scrotsDSCF7150 haven’t somewhat mischievously twisted the signs around – fatal.

On the way back we call in Bright again for fridge magnets and lunch.

Then visit Wangaratta, what a great sounding name, doesn’t it just roll off the tongue. Sounds typically Ozzie.

Apparently Ned Kelly’s last stand was in Glenrowan on 28th June 1880 where he was captured and carted off to Melbourne jail to be hanged.

20121026 – Sovereign Hill

Friday – grey, miserable and rainy.


Lazy day. Wendy gets her weekly treat and goes to the supermarket whilst I spend the morning checking the accounts, credit cards and statements.

By lunch time I’m ready to stick every bankers
bum on a barbie.DSCF6947

Yes, its the usual crap of passwords, stupid 
favourite phrase – name, place, book etc – most of which I’ve forgotten or have probably changed since last logon. Who are these numpties who think this crap up – about as much common sense as a politician.


Then we have Newcastle Building Society who DSCF6932can’t seem to understand the basics of accounting. Statements in the rest of the banking world is  Opening balance + All transactions = closing balance. They can’t be bothered showing the transactions.

But then dig a hole and bury me, it just doesn’t get better than this! The award for stupidity ofthe month must go to “The Post Office Credit Card”. You’d think the one thing a bank would be able to do is add up money. Not really too much to ask me thinks. Well these lunatics struggle with this:

  • Statement just doesn’t add up. It’s only about £2,000 out on £3,000, a mere smidgen.
  • Nearly 50% of transactions are missing – maybe it isn’t a screw up on the addition you may think!
  • Now I know adding 30 odd items up may just set the abacus alight, but hang on they can’t even add two numbers together.


They’re all 20 cents short of a dollar. What DSCF6967chance do we stand with bankers who can’t add up. No wonder they got us into this mess. Bwankers!

Recent surveys of US adults indicate that many Americans hold at least some pseudo-science beliefs:

Astrology: 52%
ESP: 46%
Witches: 19%
Aliens have landed on Earth: 22%
The lost continent of Atlantis: 33%
Dinosaurs and Humans Lived Simultaneously: 41%
DSCF6989Noah’s flood: 65%
Communication with the dead: 42%
Ghosts: 35%
Actually Had a Psychic Experience: 67%

Saturday – cold and grey but no rain.

Up at a sparrows fart to drive up to Ballarat.

Try and visit the Eureka Stockade. They’ve nearly finished a lovely new visitors centre but alas there’s no where to park yet, to at least see the site of the Stockade. Planners they don’t have enough brains to give themselves an headache.


Visit Ballarat for a stroll around. Nothing to get excited about. Wendy was quite scathing. It reminded her of Accrington. Fair condemnation.

Drive onto Sovereign Hill, an outdoor museum that tells the story of Ballarat’s first gold rush in 1851. A great day out with loads to see and do. Full of people in period dress, plenty of live demonstrations and buildings of the period.

The Wheelwright demonstration was awesome. Just think they made these wheel hubs out of green wood, while it was soft enough to work, DSCF7022and then had to leave it for 2 – 3 years to mature and harden up. Machinery involved to speed up the processes was an impressive demonstration of the ingenuity of industrial revolution – 1860’s.

Live gold pouring demonstration was amazing, especially as the resulting gold ingot was worth $175,000. Fortunately they keep using the same gold and it’s not eroded or warn out!

A great day out. Pity it was so cold. Unusually, well worth the money, and good to hear it was not for profit.




20121025 – An Apple A Day

Thursday – warm, sun and cool, rain. Yes typical Melbourne mixture. At least we see the sun.


Lazy day after all our tourism. After lunch we nip into the large Chadstone Mall. Wendy wants a pair of black leggings and we want to call in the Apple Store – sad Melbourne city doesn’t have one.

Wendy wants to find out about the new iPad, not the mini. But it seems the only way to get one on launch day is to come and queue. Told “it’s a fantastic atmosphere”. May be an Apple fan but I doubt we’re that keen – much too early in the morning. Pity because we can save £48.

I want to replace my Mac AIr as it’s running out Hero slide1of disk space. Was going for the 13″ Mac Air but yesterday they launched a 13″ Mac Book Pro with retina display and it’s only 8 ounces heavier than the Mac Air. 256Gb SDD; 8Gb RAM; Intel i5 2.5GHz. I can save £400 after GST rebate. Even after my UK educational rebate there’s still £231 to be saved – rip off Britain. 

It’s a lovely piece of kit and so sprightly. Temptation. I weaken.

Apple geezer sets it up for me. This place must be nerds heaven.

Promo lead macbookproQuiet day so will leave with some jokes:Anyone want to buy a Mac Air 11″; 4Gb RAM; 128Gb SDD (Flash drive); 1.6GHz Intel Core 2 Duo. In good condition. One careful loving owner. A lovely piece of kit, so small and light, ideal for travel. 

Bruce and Sheila are having a huge domestic argument.
Bruce yells; when you’re dead, I’ll get abloody tombstone for you that says; here she lies, cold as ever…
To which Sheila responds; and I’ll get a f***ing tombstone for you that says; here he lies, stiff at last….

A 70 year old millionaire brags at the golfclub that soon he is getting married to a gorgeous 20 year old blonde.
His mate says how the hell did you get a 20 year old sheila at your age, you’re bloody 70, did you lie about your age?
Yes, he admits, I did, I told her I was 90 !!

A plumber gets called out of bed in the middle of the night by his doctor.
My toilet is blocked and it is flowing over and flooding the house and there’s shit everywhere! Come quick!
To which the plumber replies; no worries mate, just chuck an aspirine in the bowl and call me in the morning! 

Only in Australia….can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Australia … do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Australia … do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.
Only in Australia … do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Australia … do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.


20121023 – Mornington Peninsula and Melbourne

Tuesday – warm and cloudy.

DSCF6860The forecast was warm and sunny so we set off to enjoy the Mornington Peninsula. Alas, like weather forecasts the World over, they were wrong. It turned out very cloudy.

Drove down to Point Nepean National park on the DSCF6862very tip of the Peninsula. Used as a quarantine hospital and has a fort there to protect the entry / exit of Port Phillip bay – it’s less than 10K across to the other side so very narrow entry to the bay. Hence the fort and gun emplacement. Had our exotic lunch and a short walk the lookout point, but clouds put us off our planned walk.



Historical snippets of useless information:

In 1877 Russia attacked Turkey so they built fort Napoleon here to protect the entry to the bay. Did they not know that it was occurring on the other side of the World and they didn’t start until 1880 – the Glory of Empire!

The first allied shot in the 1st World war was fired, DSCF6875on August 5th 1914, from fort Napoleon – see it did come in handy after all – on a German ship trying to flee the bay after the declaration of war. The ship returned back to Portsea.

Drove up the West coast road of the peninsula. Not very impressed really. Lots of lovely beaches and little towns, but alas not a single beach cafe for coffee. By the time we got to Frankston we’d had enough and I was suffering withdrawal symptoms. Perhaps the clouds were unkind to the area.


Mistakenly avoided the toll road, being tight again, and ended up going through Springfeld. What a disaster. Queued at the train crossing whilst 6 trains passed; traffic lights galore; road accident, which caused a major hold up because the police were too dammed lazy to park their cars to a void lane closures.

Bit of a disappointing day really.

Never mind a few non PC jokes help:

A sheila in a V8 was going way too fast and got DSCF6891pulled over for speeding.
The cop walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, when the sheila said, ‘I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Queensland Policeman’s Ball. ‘He replied, ‘ Queensland policemen don’t have balls.’ There was a moment of silence. He just realized what he’d said, closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.

Bruce was walking down the street on his way to the pub when he saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. He shouted up to him “What’s up Abdul, won’t it start?”


Bruce went to Bondi Beach.
He had the eski next to him, and had a great time watching the sheilas in their bikinis, but after two sixpacks of VB he fell asleep for several hours in the midday sun and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed DSCF6906continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was astounded, asked, ‘What good will Viagra do for him, doctor’?

The doctor replied, ‘It won’t do anything for his condition, but it’ll keep the sheets off his burned legs.


Wednesday – warm and sunny.


Up at 06:00 – yes this is supposed to be a holiday and no it wasn’t to catch the live Apple mini launch.

Catch the bus to Glen Waverley and then Metro to Melbourne to be in time for our 09:30 walking tour of Melbourne.

Tour was an eclectic mix,full of interesting snippets of information on history, architecture and events. Explored the Lanes, little traffic free ginnels DSC01624through Melbourne. Visited some stunning old buildings that have been preserved and protected from the property boom. Learnt how to navigate Melourne – use the Eureka building as a reference point.

Visited some unusual shops, even one selling every button you can imagine. Shop owner uses her knowledge to find a matching button – see search engine picture – all done by hand and experience, no web or PC. Chatted with a Kiwi Graffiti artist whose passion is creating these elaborate murals. Visited Chloe, late 19th century pornography or work of art? Judge for yourselves.


Stopped for coffee in a lovely quirky coffee shop. Saw bits of Melbourne that we’d never have noticed. Indeed a lot of locals go on these tours and are amazed at what they see that they’ve walked past every day.

A great 4 hour walking tour from a passionate volunteer. Thanks to Andrea. All free from the tourist info office. 

Now we need to return to do the other bits of Melbourne we were told about.

Moral is – best things in life are free – check out free tours. Wander around and look up.


Mean while Apple have launched the long suspected iPad mini. Not really for us as they’ve also surprised everyone with a fourth generation iPad, complete with A6 processor – exciting stuff. A good job Wendy took my advice and held off on a new iPad. Consensus seems to be that the mini is really a tad small, we have iPhones for portability. With our eyesight, go for the new 4th Generation iPad.

Better still they’ve launched a new 13 Mac Book Pro with Retina display. I was planning on replacing my 11″ Mac Air with a 13″ and 256G of disk space. Need the extra disk space and larger screen would be good, especially with Logmein etc. TheMac book Pro is a tad heavier but the retina display and faster processor is very appealing. Hmm!

The new iMac is stunning and thin but I really can’t justify an upgrade yet:-(.



In the Lap of Nutters:

Maidstone Council has rejected an application for lap dancing to take place at a town centre venue in Maidstone, Kent.

The Christian Legal Centre supported local nutters who climed the usual bollox that such a venue was not suitable in an area being regenerated by the council where there are already schools, churches and shops nearby.

Objectors ludicrously claimed that the application would effectively be turning Bank Street, where the premises are located, into a sex street.


Saudi Government claims many innocent persons have died and been injured with this film – “Innocence of Muslims” – as a root cause. Funny I thought it was the savage rioters who threw their toys out of the pram yet again.


Here’s one I think most apt:

The three directors of Fosters, XXXX and Coopers were travelling together to a meeting, when their limo broke down.
Fortunately it was right near a pub, and it was 10 AM so it was just opening, so they went inside to wait while the driver fixed it.
The Fosters director ordered three stubbies of Fosters Lager for them and they drank it all while chatting business stuff.
When the beers were gone the XXXX director got up, went to the bar, and came back with three stubbies of XXXX.
DSC01634They continued to talk business and some time later the stubbies were empty again so it was the Coopers director’s turn for a shout. He got up and went to the bar, and said to the sheila behind the bar; three of the same please.
The sheila was surprised and said hey mate, you’re the Coopers director, why do you order XXXX?
To which he replied; well, I thought it was still a bit too early to start drinking beer yet…. 


And a few more to lighten the day:


After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here’s the final word on nutrition and health.:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2.Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3.Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.


6. The French eat foie-Gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Sheila was standing in the bedroom in the nuddy, looking in the big mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

Bruce replied, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’


20121022 – Phillip Island

Monday – sunny but cool, just nice.


Up early to drive down to St Kilda to pick Simon and Hayley up. Then it’s a two hour drive out to Phillip Island. Fortunately it’s motorway most of the way. Motorway, with roundabouts; traffic lights; bus stops.

Very scenic island. Visit Churchill’s farm, an old homestead of some early Ozzie settlers. A tad disappointing, but interesting to see the ingenuity and applied common sense of these days. For instance a cooling larder – see picture – where water trickles down over the hessian and the latent heat of vaporisation keeps the contents cool; door closers, to keep the heat out, made of string, pulleys and weights.


Then it’s a visit to a koala sanctuary. Lavish picnic, actually get sandwiches. Obviously out to impress Simon and Hayley. Never realised their young – the koalas that is – were kept in a pouch. Great board walks helps you get to see them in their natural habitat. Have 
DSCF6806the delight of a mating session as a male tries to mount a reluctant female, she’d obviously got an headache. All this goes on up and down a tree 60 feet above ground. She’s a vicious little bitch in defending her honour. Really difficult to know whether the male was successful, being a typical Bruce it could have been over so quickly.


Interesting to hear a young Mother give her children some DSCF6836enlightened and impromptu sex education when asked what are they doing – “they’re just fighting”.

Next stop the Nobbies. Supposedly thousands of seals basking in the sun, complete with purpose built centre complete with merchandising Imageopportunity. Where are they all? As rare as a Taliban in a pinnie washing up the dishes. Apparently all seals have “gone fishing”.

Finally it’s the penguin centre. Again a lovely purpose built centre.

The little penguins – Eudyptula minor (Eudyptula = good little diver, minor = smallest) – come ashore at dusk every night to minimise the risk to them as they cross the beach. A cynic might say its to take the Micky out of the humans, but perhaps it’s just the wonder of evolution.


We troop down to the beach to get our good viewing spot. Don jumpers, mountain jacket and waterproof to keep warm, alas no long johns or ski mits. Simon and Hayley are on the premier viewing package unlike us poor pensioners.

Joy, sat there freezing our bits off whilst waiting for 2,061 little penguins to pop out of the sea and poke fun at 1,000+ humans freezing to death. Hurry up. How do we know how many. Well according to a fairy story told by the rangers, they’re counted every night!

Meanwhile, for entertainment,while some numpties on the front row have decided to eat some donuts and are bewildered as to why the seagulls are hovering, swooping down and shitting on them.


Then better still, in true Oriental fashion to mimic the other family, we have the ultimate stupidity as a japanese family, sitting in front of us, start feeding the seagulls biscuits. As you can imagine I have a few choice words. “Don’t be so stupid. I don’t mind them shitting on you, it serves you right, but why should the rest of us suffer.”

What’s with these surgical masks the Orientals seem to love wearing?Is it some form of national OCD? How can you respect men wearing pink or polka dot masks!

Finally groups of the little blighters – I do mean the penguins – pop out the water. “Should we cross the beach.” “No not yet.” “Quick get back in the water it’s safer.” “Yes, let’s cross.” “No, not yet.” “Yes, it’s safe now. Banzie let’s go for it.”


Watch several groups cross. Difficult to really see them in the dusk. Better and closer view of them as you walk up the boardwalk and you can see them staggering home. They stop at regular intervals for a rest / power nap. Mind you can you blame them they’ve been out fishing all day and hopefully have a belly full of food to feed their young with.

No photography allowed – not that the Orientals want to understand that. Apparently flash upsets the little blighters. But oh did we mention you can buy pictures in the gift shop.

Our pictures were download from their iPhone gallery – don’t think thev’ve realised that flaw in their marketing strategy. There’s a great BBC wildlife documentary on it all here.

Then it’s the long drive back. After a great day out with good company.

20121020 – Brighton, Beaumauris, St Kilda

Saturday – warm and sunny.


Drove down to Brighton and explored the coast down as far as Mordialloc for a coffee. Learnt a new word Tisane – apparently it means any herbal drink to distinguish it from tea. How sophisticated.



Picture shows the best and cheapest way to get into Oz. Whilst the other shows one boat that just made it. Apparently in Oz they spend at least $1.04 Billion on Asylum seekers – mainly from Afghanistan. A lot of Ozzies are up in arms about it all – so what’s new!



Had a very pleasant walk along Brighton front. Not spoilt, no kiss me quick hats or thong shops anywhere.

Are Ozzies all colour blind? What’s with all the cabs called black cabs and yet they’re yellow.

Why do pigeons and seagulls stand on one leg? Is it to get sympathy and be fed scraps? Apparently no ones really knows. But the strongest theory seems to be that it’s to keep warm. Birds don’t sweat.


Here the savages go again. Toys out the pram and no doubts an opportunity to riot:

The National Geographic Channel’s Washington, DC headquarters has increased security after being inundated with terror threats over the upcoming release of the film Seal Team Six: The Raid on Osama Bin Laden , according to a source.

The full-length feature film is the first dramatizationDSCF6702 of the U.S. special forces operation that killed the mastermind of the September 11 attacks in Pakistan last May.

According to a New York Post source, the channel has been bombarded with phone calls and blogs posts from Muslim extremist groups warning that anyone airing a film like this is asking for trouble.

A spokesperson for National Geographic told the Post that the channel will air the film no matter what, adding, we are big believers in the First Amendment.

Well now I’ll be doing my damdest to watch it and will post any links to it here.


Sunday – cool, sunny and windy.


Drive down to explore St Kilda. Again another exotic lunch by the sea watching the wake boarders. Very windy but ideal for them.

Have a pleasant walk along the front down to the fun fair, then it becomes like Blackpool. Joy there’s a market – unfortunately unlike a French market they stay open until 17:00. Windy and cool like Blackpool, but at least the rain keeps off until we get back to the car.

Thousand of cyclists are out racing around the bay. What a healthy place.


Lunacy abounds in the UK. Fancy being arrested for calling a police horse gay; calling scientology a cult; cafe owner arrested for displaying passages from the bible on a TV screen. Unbelievable, what have we come to. Love this speech by Rowan Atkinson on Free Speech and reform of Section 5 of the Public Order Act – He advocates desensitising (my theory) and more free speech.


The has my support. Do we really need the police and the courts to deal with insults? Should we not just accept that the risk of insult is a fair price to pay for living in a society which values free speech?

Hello, here we go again. Getting ready for “Christmas” offence:

Halloween banned at Seattle School: “costumes could offend”. why are they pandering to an imaginary offence?

20121019 – Dandenongs

Friday – supposedly very hot and sunny but have just had a monsoon like down pour. Rest of the day  is great.


Why does Wendy think I’d make a good Ozzie Muslim?

Off up to the Dandenongs National Park. Have our fresh fruit lunch in the park watching the birds. Amazed to see a kookaburra swoop down and pluck some food out of a women’s hand as she’s trying to eat it. 

Wendy chats with a big budgie!

Go on a few strolls. Would have gone on one of the longer hikes but someone, who shall remain nameless, had forgotten her walking boots.

Liar bird

Wanted to see the Lyre bird but alas no such luck. Apparently it’s very shy. Could this be our new objective now we’ve seen the Roadrunner.

Have a drive around some of the small villages – more tea shops than Talibans at a stoning. Try some coffee beans coated in chocolate – is this a new way to get a buzz. Amazing how popular tea is over here but choice of coffees is so very limited.

Interesting how tips does not seem to be an obsession in service industries over here.


Bloody hell – just looked over the fence into our neighbours garden and they’ve got a Jodrell bank sized sat dish pointing in our direction. Free sterilisation!

I think I’m going to put myself forward for the next Nobel Economics prize for my theory on Economic Evolution. It’s so very simple.

“If the product or service is crap or you don’t like it ask for a full or partial refund, no matter how small. Only when an organisation suffers financially, no matter how small or insignificant, will they ever evolve and improve. You’re doing them a great favour!”


Just watched the 2nd Presidential debate. What a pair of sycophants. What a joke. They never answer a question. Drift into their  own policy statements. They go round and round in circles. They contradict one another. Call one another liars. How can anyone objectively assess based on this. Americans must be sick to death of all this bullshit. Bad news is there’s yet one more bullshit session. West wing and US Politics course just hasn’t helped.

Politicians are the same the world over. 

The moderator should get a grip on them. Make them answer. Shut them up when they drift off. 

The Amazing Australian Love Test

Do you ever wonder who loves you?


Your wife? Your dog? You think they love you, but how do you know if they really do? How can you be sure?

There is a way to find out and have peace of mind! And it only takes one hour !

Simply open the boot of your car, put your dog and your wife in there, close the boot, grab a coupla beers and watch the footy on the telly for an hour or so. Then go back to the car, and open the boot.

Now, who is happy to see you?

(If it is summertime and hot weather you might feel sorry for the dog and place a bowl of water in the boot, if you do this be sure to also place a glass of water for the wife in there to keep the test results fair and reliable ) 

Went to my first Muslim birthday party last week.
The musical chairs was a bit slow, but bugger me, pass the parcel was quick!!!


20121018 – Melbourne City

Thursday – I think. Warm and sunny.


We take the Hertz Mobile back to the airport. It’s on the other side of town and to avoid a Hertz handling charge of $40 plus toll fees we programme the sat nav to no toll roads. Being software it didn’t understand. But we swerve dangerously off and avoid the toll. 

Mind you she, yes I use the feminine for good DSCF6598reason, decides that the alternative route is smack bang through the centre of Melbourne. It would have bend quicker to drive back to the Outback and back into town. 90 minutes later we get to the airport.

Now for the difficult bit. Just one sign amongst the many others indicates where the car rental return is. 3 times around the airport and we finally find it. The inside of the car is full of feathers and spit. “Only 3 times around, you did better than most.” says Mr Hertz.


Yet another complete and utter lack of common sense. i’d like to think the numbskull responsible for signposts at the airport is reading this. Must be the Worlds only living brain donor. In the ideal World he’d be fed to the Lions at a Colosseum for Saturday afternoon entertainment – stop him breeding and passing on his stupidity gene. Failing that may his ears turn to arseholes and shit on his shoulders.


Then the dumb arse who did the signs outside, must have done the ones inside the airport. Doh were’s the dunny?

Catch the bus into Melbourne and then have a pleasant walk along the river. It’s all very pleasant apart from the smell coming from what appears to be effluence (shit) gushing into the river.

Have yet another exotic lunch and a coffee at Southgate, up stream from the stench. All very nice and relaxing.

Have a general walk around and down to the Botanical gardens. 


Then stop for coffee, people watching and earwigging on some Germans – unlike the French at least you stand a chance of understanding them. Don’t you just love those heels and stockings?

Buy our MyKi card – $6 each – and then you have to “load money onto it”. It’s the only way to travel on the metro or buses. Catch the metro back to Glen Waverley and then a bus onto our estate – takes about 90 minutes.

How’s this for a Mother-in-law from hell:


A young woman was beheaded, by her husband of 4 months and her Mother-in-law, after refusing her Mother-i-laws perfectly reasonable request that she become a prostutute.

I’ll leave it to your imaginations to the country and the families religious persuausion.

Scientists in Canada have found that PMT in women has been over estimated and may not be the cause of women’s bad moods! They said women tended to blame everything on PMT.

Meanwhile in Chorley, thats the Lancashire one:


A blind 61 year old man shuffling along at a snails pace was hit with a 50,000 volt taser gun after police mistook his white stick for a samurai sword. Then to add insult to blind stupidity the police handcuffed him while he was on the ground with his white stick beside him.

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello..
He’s rather taken aback, because he can’t place where he knows her from.
So he says, “Do you know me?” To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,
“My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my Document1buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt???
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, “No, I’m your son’s math teacher”.


The Italian says, “When I’ve a finished a makina da love withah my wife,I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees,she floats 6 inches above a da bed in ecstacy.”
The Frenchman replies. “Zat is noting, when Ah’ve finished making ze love with ze wife,Ah kiss allze way down her body, and zen Ah lick za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue, and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy.”
The Aussie says, “That aint nothing, mate! When I’ve finished rootin’ the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe me dick on the curtains. She hits the freakin’ ceiling.”


How’s this for the ultimate in tidy desktops. Mind you I’ve seen similar – yes you know who you are! 


20121016 – Melbourne

Tuesday – warm and sunny to start. Rainy and Belthornish in Melbourne.


Early breakfast and off down to Melbourne. Take the coastal road, it’s a tad further but expect we’ll see some picturesque ports and towns on the way. 200K later (seems like the Ozzies abandoned miles, but at least they still drive on the correct side of the road) and all we’ve seen is rolling downs; farms and cows; more dead Wombats than there are bugs in BBC iplayer desktop software. On the plus side at least its not trees, trees and more trees.

Our home exchange in Wheelers Hill, Melbourne is lovely. Vey roomy and modern furniture. We’ve Speedtest net  The Global Broadband Speed Testdropped lucky again. Best of all the wifi, 25 Meg, I’ll spell that in case you think it’s an all thumbs typo – twenty five meg. Looks like I was wrong 55Mbps.

This must be heaven. I think I’m staying in for the next three weeks and playing on the web.

We set off to the obligatory supermarket. I suppose we’ll need food to make the most of all that fast wifi.

I happen to bump into Dan Murphy – really cheap wine. Then it’s a coffee and newspaper for me whilst I let Wendy enjoy herself in Woolworths. Who says I’m not an enlightened husband.


Still no news on my iPhone and the rumoured 7″ iPad seems to have faded from the news – pity.

Got some time on the Steve Jobs biography and hopefully will have time between wifi to catch up on reading. No doubt the guy was a charismatic genius and eccentric, but a poor people manager. It would seem his charisma and eccentricity were his saving grace. Everyone really loves an eccentric, lifes too dam boring – bring back court jesters I say. I just love his attitude towards good design. I think we’re all plagued daily by crap design and a complete lack of common sense. Albeit poor HCIDSCF6543on web pages; Ford cars where the cup holders don’t work or bonnet releases that are counter intuitive; locks that are so complex that there’s no chance of a break on even if you have the key. Hey ho.

An article I’ve just been sent on Lemons extolls the virtues of eating the whole lemon – freeze it and grate it over food. Apparently the peel contains 10 times the goodness and vitamins of the juice.

Plus it’s a universal cure for cancer. Kept a secret apparently by all these pharmaceutical companies working on cures and keeping PHD’s off the streets. Sounds like I’ve been sold a lemon!


Meanwhile apparently some schools in Oz are experiencing 60% attendance. In the UK anything below 95% is serious OFSTED shit. But in Oz they’re incentivising with iPods and barbecue lunch. I think it’s just another example of Goldfish for jam jars – no bloody common sense. Just like giving driving lessons to joy riders. 

Well She’s had 90 minutes and must be still buying strong. The poor credit cards going to take another hammering.

Rain, what’s this, Blackburn weather. Mind you DSCF6540they say Melbourne has the advantage that you can get four seasons weather in one day.

Wednesday – warm and sunny.

Great news my iPhone 5 has arrived at home – can we get an earlier flight home?

Todays a lazy day around the house, planning our time here, relaxing and enjoying the place.

It seems that Oz is rated as the 2nd wealthiest country in the World, low debt, low unemployment. The economy seems to be in “rude health”. But in many other measures Oz is also world class; 2 million live in poverty; 12% of the DSCF6548countries children live in poverty; it ranks as one of the most unequal societies in wealth distribution; depression, obesity, drug and alcohol abuse; over 20% of 18+ year olds consider themselves lonely – good business opportunity for dating / be my friend agency. Despite the increasing wealth Ozzies are apparently no more happy. It begs the question whether Ozzies still work to live or are now on a treadmill living to work, spend and acquire more.

Photos are of our home exchange for the next 3 weeks.

By the time you’ve read these two you’ll understand yet another Ozzie slang word:

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Big W with her two kids in tow, screaming 548042 10151215426385909 321012614 nobscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The door greeter says, “Good morning and welcome to Big W – nice children you’ve got there — are they twins?” The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: Of course they bloody aren’t! The oldest, he’s 9 and the younger one, she’s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins?….. Do you really think they look alike, ya dickhead?” “Absolutely not,” replies the greeter, “I just can’t believe anyone would want to root you twice!”

Bruce is at the doctor’s to get some broken glass removed from his foot from the last barbie he got pissed at. When he’s fixing up the bill at reception he remembers his missus had a test done earlier that week, so he asks for the results to save her a trip there. The receptionist looks at the computer screen and asks for her name. Sheila, Bruce replies.Receptionist; there’s two Sheilas in here mate, what test did she have done? Haven’t got a dam clue, Bruce says. Well, says the receptionist, one Sheila was tested for Alzheimers and the other was tested for HIV, and unfortunately both tested positive, so the news is bad either way. Jesus, says Bruce, what am I gonna do now?
The receptionist thinks for a brief moment and says; take her to a really big shopping centre and then leave her there. See if she finds her own way home. If she does find her way home, then don’t root her!!

I’m letting the religious fruitcakes have a couple of days off to regroup and come up with some more lunacy. 

20121014 – Batemans Bay to Lakes Entrance

Sunday – sunny but cool.


Leave our Sydney place today. It was very a great place, modern, everything you needed and all top quality. We’ll miss the greedy Lorikeets, lets hope they don’t starve.

Enjoyed Sydney and the Blue Mountains but the weather was disappointing. Likeall major cities it’s always good to escape.

One thing we certainly won’t miss is the DSCF6512traffic lights. Just bloody debilitating driving anywhere. It takes us nearly an hour to escape from greater Sydney.

Have a lovely drive down the coast to Batemans bays. Pass through Kangaroo valley which has some awesome scenery and a lovely little town for coffee.

Then call at the aptly named Pretty Bay. There are Kangaroos everywhere, some even begging out on peoples front lawns.

Batemans Bay is not as big or as touristy as expected. Have a pleasant shuffle around and afternoon tea.


In the evening we go out for traditional fish and chips. They’re served in newspaper. No Euro crap health and hygiene here. Mind you they don’t seem to have a law to stop the server scratching her fanny while taking your order. No crabs on the menu. Perhaps there’s crabs on the Map of Tasmania – Ozzie joke. Can be a tad off putting. 

Hope she washed her hands.

Monday – hot and sunny.

MacDonalds for a great breakfast MacMuffin -cholesterol special – and a healthy glass of orange juice.


Drive down to Marimbula. Pleasant little seaside town. Stop for a coffee and a wander around. Were thinking of staying the night but there’s not really that much there.

Call in at a picturesque National Trust village. But it’s blighted by being wheelie bin day – they’re the scourge the World over. Amazing really as I bet the planning restrictions on this place are tighter than a rats arse, yet the wheelies are every where.

Rayleigh Scattering is also the reason why the sky is blue and the sunset is orange. But then it got me to thinking is it responsible for smoke being blue? Well apparently smoke direct from the tobacco is blue! After inhaling in a humid body and exhaling, the size of particles gets bigger so Rayleigh-scattering never happens. The smoke is grey or brown.


Good to see that the backlash against the Taliban’s shooting of a 14 year old is gathering pace. The women of Pakistan are really kicking off about it. Perhaps there is hope for religion after all. Perhaps the Muslim religion should let the women rule the roost!

But then we have yet more publicity / demonstrations about that silly film:

A protest by 10,000 Muslims outside the offices of Google in London today is just the first in an orchestrated attempt to force the company to remove an anti-Islamic film from website YouTube in Britain.
Thousands had travelled from as far afield as Glasgow to take part in the demonstration, ahead of a planned million-strong march in Hyde Park in coming weeks.

Anger over ‘The Innocence of Muslims’, an American-produced film which insults the Prophet Mohammad and demeans Muslims, according to protesters, remains available to watch on the website YouTube, a subsidiary of Google.

Organiser Masoud Alam said: “Our next protest will be at the offices of Google and YouTube across the world. We are looking to ban this film.

Whilst I support their right to peaceful protest, please Mr Google “don’t remove the film”. It’s not Imagereally that good but protect our freedom of speech. If they don’t like it, don’t watch it.

Drive on to Lakes Entrance, a further 300k but at least we’ve broke the back of the journey and we should get to Melbourne tomorrow. It’s another seaside resort, nothing spectacular. By the time we arrive it’s over cast but it 28C so we manage a pleasant walk around and pick up my favourite Subway.

This drive down the coast is certainly a way to see Oz but we are getting a bit tree’d out. Problem is the countries so big that the distance between towns of interest is vast. If we were to stop in at all the little beaches I think we’d still be in the Suburbs of Sydney.

Well just to end on a cheery note and forget all these fanatics, here’s a guide to Ozzie Etiquette:

1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview. 
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It’s tacky to take an esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it’s time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you’re certain you’re included in the will, it’s rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don’t allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one’s OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn’t a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook – especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago.”
3. Establish with her parents what time she’s expected back. Some will say 11:00 PM, others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it’s the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place)
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for the occasion.

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun’s loaded and the roo’s in your rifle sight.
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn’t always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it’s impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.