Monthly Archives: January 2013

20130110 – Mouse Town & Then Home

Thursday – hot and sunny.

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Drive down to Hollywood beach and have a walk along the Hollywood Boardwalk. Its actually quite pleasant around here even if a little too popular but we still prefer Sarasota. 

Then in the afternoon we explore Fort Lauderdale Historic water front. Both very pleasant.

Then in the hope of finally getting a Toblerone Cheesecake, to replace the one that was Wendy scoffed 5 years ago, we call in on the way home at the massive Sawgrass Mills mall to visit the Cheesecake Factory. Alas no Toblerone Cheesecake anymore – deprived. Settle for a chocolate coconut one. After no sweets at dinner on the cruise I’ve weakened. Oh so sickly!

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How this for feminine logic – an oxymoron if ever there was one. We’re in this ginormous mall, with as many shops as Muslims at a blasphemy riot. Then out comes another pearler – “There’s too much choice, it’s hopeless when you don’t know what you want”. Also note the word “want” and not “need”. 

For a real treat try watching Pierce Morgan interview Alex Jones on gun control http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p1Ddb3oa5CE. Alex is a real moron, so stupid that if he threw himself on the ground he’d miss. The thought of him owning a gun, is the best ever argument for complete gun control. There’s even a petition to get Pierce Morgan deported because of his stance on gun control.

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Didn’t realise these new Columbia shirts are not only sun proof, sweat proof and mosquito proof but also red wine proof. It’s amazing as I nod off I happen to spill some red wine on my shirt – a rare event – the shirt just repels the wine, more than can be said for my shorts:-(

Apparently while we’ve been away the THREAT ALERTS IN EUROPE have been escalated to new highs:

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya, Egypt and Syria and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they DSCF8359have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.”
The latest rise is precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniforms and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

A final thought – “Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC”.

Friday – hot and cloudy.

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Drive up to Mouse Town.

Hotel is in the heart of Kissimee yet  very secluded, thankfully. Wendy’s moaning it’s not on Disney doorstep, as advertised, only minutes away – well actually it is, albeit 59 minutes. Come on Disney’s that big even the Disney hotels are miles away. When she sees the room she shuts up. It’s a massive one bedroom suite, king bed, two full bathrooms one with jacuzzi, kitchen, two TV’s, settee (couch) and comfy chairs. Wait for the price.  £60 a night including free breakfast and wifi that works and is reasonably fast. Amazing!

After lunch around the pool we go to Downtown Disney. Yet again. Wendy wants a browse around the stores – hope there’s not too much choice again.

I get a relaxing coffee and do some people watching and blogging, while Wendy spends an hour scouring the Disney store. It would have been a mortal sin not to. I thought she’d at least got me a Disney gift card or two or three or more:-7

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This place is a real blobbie magnet, some of them even make Jabba the Hut look anorexic.

At last I get the label “GAP”, as a buxom wench in a skin tight tee shirt walks past, with two chapel hat pegs sticking out and the word “GAP” blazoned across her bosom. All these years and I’d never realised it was describing the valley of the shadow of death.

Meanwhile I notice that yet another of my favourite tee shirts looks like a Swiss cheese after only 10 years. Does nothing last these days. I suppose I could keep it as a fashion statement.

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Hotel are offering us Disney tickets for $62.50 each – sounds good. Then towards the end of the transaction, thankfully before I’ve paid, it turns out I need to got to a 2 hour timeshare presentation with free buffet breakfast. No thank you. No mention of it anywhere in the advertising. Dodgy.

MacAngus burgers all round for dinner. Pretty good.

Then we come to look for our bag of electronics. Can’t find them anywhere. Allegations of who packed them, or didn’t pack them, as the case may be. Questions as to Wendy having checked the room was empty before we left. Despair. What a cock up. That’s a 400 mile round trip to go back and retrieve them. Accusations flying. Tempers fraying. Then Wendy suddenly remembers – oh I put them in my haversack rather than the suit case. Worrying thing is we both forgot!

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More lunacy and more opportunities to riot and “stern action”.

The Sultan of Malaysia’s Selangor state has banned non-muslims from using the word ‘Allah’ (dam I’ve used it, that’s another country I won’t be visiting) claiming that it is a sacred word exclusive to Muslims.

A statement from the Islamic Affairs Council of the Selangor state says:

Sultan Sharafuddin Idris Shah made a decision and decreed that the word ‘Allah’ (not again) is a sacred word specific to Muslims and it is prohibited to be used by any non-Muslim in Selangor.

This fatwa includes unspecified stern action against those who disobey the decree and use the word allah (And again and not even a capital letter – tut, tut).

Saturday – hot 83F and sunny

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After meeting such nice Canadians on our cruise we decide on a visit to Canada – only $93 each. So it’s off to Epcot. Canada 360 degree panorama and we’ve seen it all in 30 minutes – now that’s value for money.

Look at these two icons of the Great Britain. The phone box and post box, not Wendy. Why did they ever get rid of them? They were virtually vandal proof.

Have lunch in France – bread and cheese but alas no wine as I’m diving. Well I would be if some numpty, who will remain nameless, hadn’t forgot his PADI Dive Certification. It’s an age thing and I don’t like it. Fortunately they can check my certification out online.

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Disney is as stunning as ever. Yes, we’ve been there many times but we never fail to be impressed with it all. Now they even have free wifi everywhere and it works. Question would we rather be in Colon Panama or Epcot? Give me civilisation any time.

Wendy had bought me a dive at Epcot DiveQuest. You get a behind the scenes look at the Seas exhibit and then do a 40 minute dive in the massive aquarium 205 ft in diameter and 25 ft deep over 200 different species of fish. It’s just an awesome experience. Where else can you 
swim up close, sometimes too personal, with sand tiger sharks; brown sharks; black nose sharks; green turtles; loggerhead turtles; spotted eagle rays; cow nose rays and the infamous southern sting ray. A tad disconcerting when you look to one side to see a large sting ray going past with its long tail just inches away, or come face to face with the mangy teeth of a shark. It’s my P11401372nd visit, all so well organised and one of all my all time favourite dives, so relaxing.

Interesting back stage. But when you approach the blue door, to go on stage with the guests, everyone is expected to put away the problems and cares of the day and just smile once they’re through that door.

Then it’s back to the hotel with Subway for dinner – now thats what I call food.

So Obama may issue an executive order to limit access to automatic and semi-automatic weapons. No chance of the sensible thing of a complete ban on firearms. That would be too much of an assault on Americas macho males penis extensions! Actually he could solve the sole gun problem and implement a total ban if he just rubbed out a letter “e” in the original of the 2nd Amendment. That way everyone could “bare arms”! Just think of the increased sales of short sleeve shirts and blouses.

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Only in America could they raise the idea of minting a trillion dollar coin when they’re already $16 Trillion in debt.

Only in America do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

Only in America do they use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so they won’t miss a call from someone they didn’t want to talk to in the first place. 

Only in America do they buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America do they use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.

Sunday – hot and sunny.

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Its the Magic kingdom today. Monorail ride is as exciting as ever. Wendy just loves this park and all the magic. Just think 500 years ago all these Disney geezers would have been burned at the stake for all their magic talk. 

As a devoutly religious person would say “it would be a sin to go to Florida and not visit Disney”. Wot adults with no kids. Magic Kingdom without kids is it a bit like Internet without graphics.

We get there about 11:00 and watch various shows and of course the main parade. Just like a kid, Wendy’s sat on the floor waiting eagerly for the highlight of the day, the main parade. Anyone would think we’ve never seen one before but the magics still there. You really have to give it them they know how to put on a show and entertain. 

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Visit the new Fantasy Land – alas “It’s a small world” is still there. I still manage to beat Wendy on the buzz light year ride but the 10 year old in front of me has scored 10 times my score, puts me to shame. 

7 gruelling hours later we leave. Decide to give the fireworks a miss. It was a great day but where’s the stamina or have we learnt wisdom with age?

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As we’re leaving down Main Street Wendy comes up with a feminine classic, “I’m just going to pop in here to see if there’s anything I want” – note the want and not need again. A friend explained an interesting Darwinian theory on women’s shopping habits. It goes back to the good old days when we were cavemen – hunters and gatherers. The men went out and hunted for a specific animal – food. Hence when we go shopping, we’re on a mission with a clearly defined objective. Whereas women go out and will browse the racks and shelves without even a clear need or even want in mind. Goes back to their role in the cave when they went out and gathered the fruits and berries which required quite a lot of browsing.

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Continued details of the Revocation of Independence are posted below.

With immediate effect all Restrooms are to be relabelled Toilets, WC or even Pissort. They are not places for resting in and this name attracts all sorts of undesirable persons and activities.

It has also been noticed that having traffic lights across the road (black top) is a serious health hazard when driving with the Sun visor down – you can easily miss the red lights as you can’t see them. All new roads will be built with traffic lights on the road side – just think how much steel you’ll save.

All new cars will no longer be built with one of those silly foot parking brake that require you to grope around n the dark of the footwell in order to find the minute release lever.

Monday – warm and sunny.

Late check out for our 18:30 flight back to the cold and snow. Joy. Never mind only 4 weeks to my proper holiday. 

We’ll be back!

20130104 – Panama Canal

Friday – hot, humid and sunny.

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At 06:30 we sail into the Gatun Locks of the Panama canal. Some are up to see it. The smart ones have figured out that as we’re going in and coming back out we can see the same thing at a more civilised hour. Park up in the middle of Gatun lake; tender off those who are going on a tour; hang around a couple of hours; then return back through the same locks. Have to say it’s an impressive feat of engineering especially when you consider it was completed in 1914 and the major impact / saving it has on shipping. 

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At last I manage to make a simple cheese sandwich for lunch.

Then we dock in Colon in Panama for 3 hours. Less said the better. As everyones advised not to go out the port area, supported by all travel advice I’ve seen. Even it’s own web site, it really seems a complete waste of time. Mind you we did have to pick up those who went on a tour. At least I finally DSCF8243managed to get onto free wifi and pick up 62 emails.

Glad we’ve seen the canal but Panama is just another one of those countries we won’t be coming back to.

Dinner was a tad disappointing should have gone to the buffet. Went along to the show. Thankfully there were no seats – looked like my worse nightmare of song and dance. Even Wendy wasn’t keen.

Early night watching Curb Your Enthusiasm Season 8 at long last – both seemed to nod off around the 3rd episode. Its as good as the rest we were just tired from all that exertion during the day.

TV on board isn’t bad, not that we watch it, but it does have some good films and documentaries on.

Only in America:

  • Only in America could politicians talk about the greed of the rich at a $35,000 a plate campaign fund raising event.
  • Only in America could people claim that the government is still discriminates against black Americans when they have a black President, a black Attorney General, and roughly 18% of the federal workforce is black.
  • Only in America do they have terrorists kill people in the name of Allah and have the media primarily react by fretting that Muslims might be harmed by the backlash.
  • Only in America could someone drinking a $5 latte and texting to his friends on an iPhone 4 complain that the government allows some people to make too much money.

Saturday – even hotter, more humid and sunny. Haven’t a clue on temperature just know its to dammed hot.

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Dock in Puerto Limon, Costa Rica. We avoid any of the tours as they’re mainly rain forrest, saw enough in Oz; banana plantation, probably put me off bananas for life; coffee plantation – similar; Tortuga canal sounded interesting but it really is the wrong time of day to see wildlife – such as Sloth, 2 and 3 toed – and Wendy didn’t want to be consumed by mosquitos. Costa Rica sounds a progressive place, no standing army – country won Nobel Peace prize for disbanding armed forces; first democracy in South America; long period of peaceful existence and not  to forget 95% literacy rate!

So we decide on a stroll around town. Whilst we didn’t feel threatened or in danger, apart from the man traps and pits strategically placed around the streets which could have broken a few bones  – seems like someone steals the grids off the drains! Have to say it was the sort of chicken shit place that makes us appreciate even Blackburn. High police presence. Even though it seemed to consist of 12 year olds, with police baseball caps, riding mountain bikes whilst conducting lengthy conversations on the mobiles glued to their ear. Not even a MacDonalds and none of the DSCF8305supposedly free wifi worked.  Very disappointing, won’t be on our returns list. 95% literacy, well I can only assume all the kids were on holiday!

Afternoon around the pool with Kindle. Wendy watches Snow White and the Huntsman on the big pool screen. I manage to upset some Americans when I jump in the pool. Oh dear the’ve got a little water on their hair. What do they expect if they sit on the poolside, it’s a swimming pool for gods sake – not too bright!

Oh and it was my 63rd Birthday. Great cards and presents from the kids but alas at £3 a minute we didn’t want to fritter away their inheritance that fast on a phone home. Wendy bought me a Panama baseball cap and a Scuba dive in the Epcot aquarium with all the sharks, stingrays and multitude of other fish. Has she taken out an extra life policy on me?

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Day 6 and I’m starting to look forward to getting back to the USA; some simple food – beans on toast; having severe wifi withdrawal symptoms. Funny it’s not email, and certainly not Facebook, I’m missing but just having the Internet to answer so many day to day queries.

Enjoyable meal with Alec and Ann, complete with obligatory birthday cake and Happy Birthday serenade from the crew. Comedy show then very late to bed 23:30 – Noddy well past Big Ears.

Can you believe it? Well yes I can!

Gunmen on motorcycles sprayed a van carrying employees from a community center with bullets, murdering five female teachers and two aid workers.

The director of the group that the seven worked for says he suspects it was the latest in a series of attacks directed at antipolio efforts in Pakistan. Some extremist muslims oppose the vaccination campaigns, accusing health workers of acting as spies for the United States and claiming the vaccine is intended to make Muslim children sterile.

Last month, nine people working on an antipolio vaccination campaign were shot and killed.

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Sunday – hot and sunny. Pewk bags are out again, very rough.

Try an all time American classic for breakfast. Peanut butter and jam. Not one for my top 10 culinary delights.

Sea day. Now I’m really missing the Internet. So much I want to get done, I could even be earning some  money solving my next SQL problem. Frustrated! What’s the difference between a sea and an Ocean? How do you flatten XML in SQL? Whats the GDP of the World? Whats a Sloth like? Need a VRBO in the Smokies………..

Post a photo of Mum and eulogy on Facebook. Get some more emails.

Formal in the evening. Make the supreme effort with a tie. Ladies wear their pretty frocks.

Only in America:

  • Only in America would people take rappers who brag about shooting people and selling drugs seriously when they complain the police are targeting them unfairly.
  • Only in America would do they make people who want to legally become American citizens wait for years in their home countries and pay tens of thousands of dollars for the privilege while discussing letting anyone who sneaks into the country illegally just become American citizens.
  • Only in America could the people who believe in balancing the budget and sticking by the country’s Constitution be thought of as “extremists.”
  • Only in America can you have terrorists fly planes into buildings and have some people’s first thought be “what did we do to make them hate us?”
  • Only in America does airport security put its hands on your underwear….while you’re wearing it.

Monday – hot with sun and cloud.

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It’s Grand Cayman today. Been there before, a lovely civilised place. Free wifi at most cafes and it works.

I do the dive so it’s up and out early. Typical I’ve got a cold so shouldn’t really be diving. I miss out on the 1st. Mind you it’s an +80ft wall dive. Considering most people are only PADI Open Water Certified. Mind you Princess demand that only Open Air Certification will do! Open Water means a maximum depth of 60ft. It’s ok says the dive master if you want to just stay at 40-60 ft you can just swim above the group. Great idea. Your air supply packs up so you’ve got a 20 – 40 ft swim down to your buddy to get emergency air. Oh and on the way down you’ll need to take it slow to decompress your ears. I don’t think so. Sounds a recipe for disaster.

I do the 2nd dive which is a maximum 60 feet for 40 minutes. It’s the Paradise coral reef followed by a wreck dive. A great dive; warm; fabulous coral; turtles; loads of very colourful fish; 60 foot visibility; because it’s sunny above you really get the benefit of the colours of the fish and the wreck adds a pleasant change. My sort of fair weather diving.

Wendy and Ann have gone into the town for some retail therapy. Somewhat belatedly, thanks to our bus being 30 minutes late, I get to meet them and Alec, he’s been on the stingray snorkel tour, for a pleasant lunch at Breezes.Very pleasant.

After lunch I go with Wendy and Ann for a browse around the shops. Alec goes snorkelling from the beach. He found the coral and that better than his morning tour. After 60 minutes around the shops I’m kicking myself for not doing the snorkelling.

For a pleasant change at dinner we go up to the Horizon Court for the buffet.

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Just one more sea day before we’re off this pirate floating gin palace and get to some free wifi!

What undesirable condition – answers on an email please?

Women in the Indonesian city of Lhokseumawe have been banned from riding astride motorbikes because of ludicrous fears that it distracts men drivers.

Civic leaders in the second largest city in Aceh province say they are clamping down on un-Islamic practices. Mayor Suaidi Yahya said:

Women sitting on motorbikes must not sit astride because it will provoke the male driver. It’s also to protect women from an undesirable condition.

It’s improper for women to sit astride. We implement Islamic law here.

Tuesday – hot and very sunny.

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Sea day. Lounge around ship in the  morning; Wendy goes shopping and washing; I go to the Navigation at Sea Lecture in the afternoon. I was desperately trying to figure out what they’d try and sell me at the end – brass sextant, compass, map, telescope all marked with “Princess Cruise” no doubt. But no sales pitch – wow. What a cynic. Get a few of my questions answered at last. Key one about how stabilisers work and there effect on MPG. It turns out that when they’re deployed MPG goes down. Now a cynic may think that a few sick bags are probably cheaper than the extra fuel costs. Fortunately everyone knows that cynicism is not one of my strong points:-7.

After yet another lunch we go up on deck and try and find a sun lounger. I think the ship must be full of Germans. Yes, the towels are out in force. Supposedly moved if left more than 30 minutes – I wish. I’d cure them with a simple strategy. After 30 minutes throw towels, books and other personal space stake holders overboard. If they do it a 2nd time throw the owners overboard. Usual story plenty for everybody if everybody is reasonable but of course scrots are everywhere.

Pleasant evening meal in the buffet again with Alec and Ann. Some how it’s more relaxing than the formal dining room and the menu down there looked like it was an assembly of cruise last day  leftovers.

Only in America:

  • Only in America could the government force a skating rink to have handicapped parking spots and Braille on the ATM machines.
  • Only in America could the government collect more tax dollars from the people than any nation ever has before in all of recorded history, still spend trillions of dollars more that it has per year, and complain that it doesn’t have nearly enough money.
  • Only in America can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
  • Only in America do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Wednesday – don’t care about the weather it just one of those days from hell when we have to go through US Immigration.

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Disembarkation was well organised and painless. But US Immigration, as always, manage to inflict the maximum amount of misery. 2 desks for Non-US and 10 for US. Fast moving US queue. Slow moving and getting longer Non-US queue. Then to turn up the misery one of the Non-US  misery inflicters disappears. 40 minutes to get my photograph and finger prints taken yet again. Do they want visitors? We love travel around the US but every time we encounter this crap we want to vote with our feet.

Why do we choose Hertz. There’s at least 4 pickup buses from every other company. The Hertz bus is about as rare as a woman’s liberation march organised by the Taliban. Perhaps Hertz have been taken over by US Immigration.

Hertz at least make up for it by giving us a one hell of an upgrade. Well seems like about a 10 car upgrade. We booked the cheapest, smallest car going and are entitled to a free upgrade, this time it’s to a roomy Ford Escape SUV. Mind you Perhaps I should hang onto it and take it up to Park City. 

Hotels a tad outside of Fort Lauderdale but I know I’m in heaven. Junk food in abundance even within walking distance (most un American I know). After all that cruise food there’s Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, Checkers, Starbucks, Johnny Rockets, Rainforest Cafe and best of all a Cheesecake factory – perhaps I might finally get my Toblerone Cheesecake. Start simple with a Subway.

Wendy’s excited as I’ve managed to start a download of the East Enders Omnibus for the whole of last week. Note the word started, at these wifi speeds it will probably be finished in time for our flight home next week – feel a Victor moment coming on.

Whilst we both enjoyed the cruise I think 10 days was just enough. So what did we like about it:

  • Great service and friendly crew.
  • Met some interesting people and made some good friends with Alec & Ann. Amazing how comfortable and easy to get on with some people are, like you’d always known them always.
  • Cabin and balcony very comfortable.
  • Even though the ship was full it was never really crowded anywhere – a really nice size.
  • Photography course good.
  • Port lectures were good.
  • Enjoyed Aruba catamaran and snorkel; Cartagena was a lovely old city to explore; Panama canal was interesting and relaxing; dive in Grand Cayman was one of the best I’ve done.
  • Good movies selection and TV even though we didn’t use it.
What didn’t we like:
  • Wifi cost and slow speed – greedy.
  • Entertainment was mediocre.
  • Food was mediocre, choice somewhat limited.
  • Too many queues on boarding and a queue to have a money making photo taken was the final straw and just typical of greed before customer service.
  • Most of the lectures etc on board were just merchandising opportunities. Very little intellectual stimulation.
  • Port itinerary was what appealed to us about this cruise, but the actuality was disappointing. Too short a time in Aruba; Colon was too dangerous to explore; Porta Limon was a 3rd World dump.

Acid test – will we cruise Princess again? Yes.

Continued details of the Revocation of Independence are posted below.

You will learn to eat using both a knife and fork at the same time.

To improve gourmet food in the UK, Taco Bell will get the royal seal of approval “By appointment to her majesty the queen” if they open a branch in every UK city. That’ll be one up on the French food snobs.

All restaurants and cafes will attend compulsory tea making classes. It will be illegal to serve tea with cream, half and half or hot milk. Putting milk in the cup first or last will however be left up to the individual establishments preference. After 6 months anyone found serving tea with cream or hot milk will be sent to Guantanamo Bay.

All petrol pump credit card machines will be reprogrammed to accept UK Post Codes (Zip codes to you).

Credit cards will use chip and pin to cut down on fraud – you know it makes sense.

Any organisation that is complicit in the deaths of 10,000 of our newly claimed citizens will be declared illegal. The NRA will therefore be declared illegal, it will be disbanded forthwith along with their political lobby. Members will receive a full refund of their membership fees.

Pavements (sidewalks to you) and cycle paths will be installed on all urban roads so that citizens can safely walk without the need for a gas guzzler.

Drive in booths will be abandoned. You can get out your gas guzzlers and walk. The exercise will do you good and help reduce obesity levels.

Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

Hussar and God Save the Queen!

20121209 – Cruising – AT $0.79 FOR WIFI THERE WILL BE NO PHOTOS

Saturday – grey and rainy as we leave Sarasota and then hot and sunny by the time we get to Fort Lauderdale.

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Relaxing motorway drive all the way. Cross the top of the Everglades and through the Cypress Preserve.

Comfort suite is looking a bit tired. Rooms ok but wifi’s crap.

Have a drive down to Deerfield Beach thinking we’ll have a pleasant coffee on the beach front – no chance. Not a single coffee shop in site.

So what’s the best seller been this Christmas here in the land of the free? Is it iPad, iPhone, even a kindle, barbie doll? No, it’s automatic rifles and automatic weapons – multiple killing DSCF8037machines. There sold out. If you rush you may be able to pick up a shotgun!! Lunacy. Why? Well after the recent massacre rather than reason prevailing citizens are afraid they’ll be banned – as if!

Sunday – very warm and sunny, 84F.

Leisurely breakfast. Complain to the manager about the crap wifi and carrier pigeon speed when you’re connected. As part of my economic evolution of a business theory (only when it hits the bottom line will they improve and evolve, so I’m helping P1130873them become a better business) I demand a partial refund and get $25 on a $62 room.

Drive down to the port to drop off the Hertz mobile. Hertz obviously don’t want the business nor do they want their cars back as it’s better hidden than a Utah liquor store. Of course I mention that it would be nice to see a sign – “ah it must have blown over”.

Whisked off to the ship or is it boat. Who knows, who cares, apart from the Captain who gives me some cause for concern as he sounds Italian – offices and crew first!

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Takes an hour to board and they manage a grand total of 5 queues. Airports look out they’re beating you on number of queues. Overall it was not too bad. Apart from! Queuing to have your photograph taken in front of a mangy palm tree beach backdrop. Good to know they care about customer service so much and inflict a queue on you to start milking you before you’ve even boarded. Make it an optional extra queue for those who want it. Needless to say in true Victor style I refused. Rant over – at least for now.

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I’m already getting Internet withdrawal symptoms, fingers shaking and hovering over an imaginary keyboard, incessant opening and closing the laptop lid and check signal strength. The hotel last night helped prepare me for our move around to the dark side of the earth. Yes piracy is still rife on the high seas. Wifi is $0.79 a minute. How will I cope? What’s more at these speeds we’ll be home before this blog has been sent.

Also a tad worrying to know we have an Italian Captain!

Went to the evening show which was just about tolerable as they only had 10 minutes DSCF8038singing and dancing, then an excellent comedian. Mind you the song of the Elvis like alpha male surrounded by scantily clad, glitzy bimbos had the catchy melody  “there’s only on carrot and I’m not sharing it”.

Monday – warm, sunny and rough seas. Pewk bags are out on the stairs!

Good news if there’s some lectures on this cruise with such scintillating subject as colonic irrigation; how to shop – as if Wendy needs that; how to buy jewellery; Go Smile – teeth whitening; the all time cruise classic – “Eat more to Weigh Less”; acupuncture – probably selling needles; bad hair day; good feet – the mind boggles;  photography with a confusing title of basic advance – either way I’m sure they’re selling cameras. Underlying theme, as always, merchandising opportunity.

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We attend the Bridge lecture, along with a few others, thinking it’ll be an opportunity to learn Bridge. Alas they forgot to mention it was for advanced.

Opted for the Trivia but heavily discriminated against – too many American questions.

Photography lecture was quite informative and only 2 very short commercials. To be fair there is at least an Aruba port lecture, which was pretty good and didn’t really push shore excursions.

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Go for formal afternoon tea. Silver service but alas no cucumber sandwiches. Bit depressing. Full of geriatrics – I know we’ll be there one day.

New Years eve, so dinners a formal night – lobster tails or pheasant on the menu. Means we are commanded to wear monkey suit, tuxedo, dark suit, evening gown or cocktail dress – sex dependent. I make a token effort with my off white jacket trousers, shirt and even a tie, my vibram soled trainers complete my sartorial ensemble. Wendy looks very elegant in her new dress she had for Christmas off me. I really don’t know why we bother, two of the blobbies on our table turned up in scruffy T Shirts. Mind you they were real numpties, had it all arse about face with “we’re getting dressed after dinner”. They could both talk for America.

I’ve no problem with people wearing what the DSCF8117heck they want, we’re on holiday and we’re paying. But if they say formal dress they should enforce it. Why don’t they just say “formal dress for those that want to”. In future I’ll be dammed if I’m going to use my luggage weight allowance on such non-essentials.

Go to the show which has a Welsh las singer comedian – very good. Great voice.

Then we go mad and have a drink in the crooners bar listening to pianist. Sadly most of the bars are deserted.

Manage to stay awake until 10:30 but pass on the midnight party. More food and DSCF8128balloons. We’re just boring, enjoy a good book in the cabin.

Watching Americans eat is fascinating. Eight of them, forks at the ready and not a knife in action anywhere. What a great business opportunity for “Bite Sized Portions” – food pre-cut into bite sized chunks. You could even branch out into small, medium and large gob sized chunks. Then there’s no need for a knife. Dragons Den here we come.

No current  religious nonsense to talk about but having just completed watching the Tudors perhaps I should mention a few things from our torrid past:

Newly formed Church of England, under Henry VIII, classes anyone who disagrees with them as heretics and proceeds to burn them at the stake – savages.

Tuesday – warm and sunny.

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Another sea day of merchandising, phoney lectures and food, food, food! To be fair we went to the America 101 lecture, Cartagena Port Lecture and “Advanced” photograph, all were very good.

Evening showtime was a Motown song and dance. I avoided it. Wendy said it was crap – well not quite those words but that was the sentiment. Then we both went to the stand up comedian. He was good.

Wednesday – hot and sunny.

We’ve docked in Aruba. Up at the crack of sparrows – 06:15 – for breakfast, Go on a Catamaran / Snorkelling  tour at 08:00. Is this a holiday?

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Two snorkelling sites ones in shore relatively calm with a few pretty fish and some rocks. I’m the only with a wet suit but there again I was the only one who didn’t look blue after the event. The 2nd site was at the Antilla shipwreck. Very rough sea but you were able to see the wreck pretty well and it wasn’t too deep. Would have made a good dive as the bottom was only 60 feet and you’d have escaped the rough swell. Wendy came along for the ride; acted as official photographer and enjoyed it and the rum punch. 

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Sadly we Just got back to the port with enough time to buy the mandatory fridge magnet, not enough time for real shopping – I was devastated. Ship departed at 12:30, well it would have done if a party of Italians knew how to tell the time – perhaps it was the Captain.

Well Aruba looked lovely; some great beaches but like most of the Islands not really that much there. Sadly seen one, seen them all seems to be the general consensus on the Caribbean Islands.

Another food opportunity for lunch and did some Obama baiting over lunch with some Americans. Always a topic to get their blood boiling and a few rants going. Is DSCF8153especially entertaining if you encounter a true red neck. I wonder who did vote for hime. Last nights show of hands at the comedy show helped explain why the boat / ship was listing to the right – about 90% Republicans.

Afternoon we do a photo lecture walk about, where the lecturer puts into practice what he’s been preaching. Then it’s a port lecture on Limon, Costa Rica.

Flexible dining again, This time we drop really lucky and have not one but two professors on a table of 6. Subjects Statistics and Psychology, both an aid to a good nights rest. After mentioning how Ice cream is a cause of drowning at least one of them quietens down.

Showtime was a not so good hypnotist – cheap entertainment.

Thursday – very hot and very sunny.

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It’s Cartagena, Columbia today. Hook up with Alec and Ann for a taxi ride from the port. We then all have a shuffle around the old Town. It’s a UNESCO World heritage site. Lovely old town. We were quite surprised how clean and pleasant it was, with some stunning balconies. You would be able to see pictures if I could afford the wifi. Wendy and Ann spent quite some time in the shops. I think Ann must be a very devout religious person as her approach to shopping is “it would be a sin not to go in these shops.” Alec and I found a great coffee shop, complete with free wifi (picked up emails on iPhone but alas no Facebook) and thankfully air conditioning. Juan Valdez coffee was some of the best Columbian coffee I’d ever had.

Boy was it hot outside. Fortunately most of the streets are shaded.

Well we survived Columbia. Didn’t get shot; mugged; robbed; raped, and no one tried to sell us any white powder. Apparently those are the highlights of one of tomorrows ports of call in Colon, Panama. What a lovely sounding place. With a name like that; all the crime and high rainfall just think of the challenge the marketing director for the tourist board faces trying to promote it.

Cruise departed at 14:30, seems another short port stay, but just enough time to enjoy a pleasant stroll around the old Town.

Afternoon consisted of cruise lecture on the Panama Canal – tomorrows port of call.

Welsh wench singer comedian for the evening show.

PICTURES WILL BE ADDED LATER WHEN WE GET OFF THIS PIRATE SHIP.

Continued details of the Revocation of Independence are posted below.

Hollywood will be required to occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

An inland revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

By the way we are not taking on your National Debt, we’ve got enough of our own. You got yourselves into it so you can pay your way out. However we will be imposing some austerity (look it up) measures. We are also recruiting for a financial guru to help you out of the mess. Bwankers need not apply as they got you into this mess and haven’t a clue on how to manage joey. The ideal candidate will be a working Mother with 2 or more kids who has successfully bought her family up on a low income without getting into debt problems.