Tag Archives: common sense

20121018 – Melbourne City

Thursday – I think. Warm and sunny.

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We take the Hertz Mobile back to the airport. It’s on the other side of town and to avoid a Hertz handling charge of $40 plus toll fees we programme the sat nav to no toll roads. Being software it didn’t understand. But we swerve dangerously off and avoid the toll. 

Mind you she, yes I use the feminine for good DSCF6598reason, decides that the alternative route is smack bang through the centre of Melbourne. It would have bend quicker to drive back to the Outback and back into town. 90 minutes later we get to the airport.

Now for the difficult bit. Just one sign amongst the many others indicates where the car rental return is. 3 times around the airport and we finally find it. The inside of the car is full of feathers and spit. “Only 3 times around, you did better than most.” says Mr Hertz.

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Yet another complete and utter lack of common sense. i’d like to think the numbskull responsible for signposts at the airport is reading this. Must be the Worlds only living brain donor. In the ideal World he’d be fed to the Lions at a Colosseum for Saturday afternoon entertainment – stop him breeding and passing on his stupidity gene. Failing that may his ears turn to arseholes and shit on his shoulders.

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Then the dumb arse who did the signs outside, must have done the ones inside the airport. Doh were’s the dunny?

Catch the bus into Melbourne and then have a pleasant walk along the river. It’s all very pleasant apart from the smell coming from what appears to be effluence (shit) gushing into the river.

Have yet another exotic lunch and a coffee at Southgate, up stream from the stench. All very nice and relaxing.

Have a general walk around and down to the Botanical gardens. 

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Then stop for coffee, people watching and earwigging on some Germans – unlike the French at least you stand a chance of understanding them. Don’t you just love those heels and stockings?

Buy our MyKi card – $6 each – and then you have to “load money onto it”. It’s the only way to travel on the metro or buses. Catch the metro back to Glen Waverley and then a bus onto our estate – takes about 90 minutes.

How’s this for a Mother-in-law from hell:

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A young woman was beheaded, by her husband of 4 months and her Mother-in-law, after refusing her Mother-i-laws perfectly reasonable request that she become a prostutute.

I’ll leave it to your imaginations to the country and the families religious persuausion.

Scientists in Canada have found that PMT in women has been over estimated and may not be the cause of women’s bad moods! They said women tended to blame everything on PMT.

Meanwhile in Chorley, thats the Lancashire one:

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A blind 61 year old man shuffling along at a snails pace was hit with a 50,000 volt taser gun after police mistook his white stick for a samurai sword. Then to add insult to blind stupidity the police handcuffed him while he was on the ground with his white stick beside him.

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello..
He’s rather taken aback, because he can’t place where he knows her from.
So he says, “Do you know me?” To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,
“My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my Document1buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt???
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, “No, I’m your son’s math teacher”.

 

“LOVE MAKING”
The Italian says, “When I’ve a finished a makina da love withah my wife,I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees,she floats 6 inches above a da bed in ecstacy.”
The Frenchman replies. “Zat is noting, when Ah’ve finished making ze love with ze wife,Ah kiss allze way down her body, and zen Ah lick za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue, and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy.”
The Aussie says, “That aint nothing, mate! When I’ve finished rootin’ the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe me dick on the curtains. She hits the freakin’ ceiling.”

 

How’s this for the ultimate in tidy desktops. Mind you I’ve seen similar – yes you know who you are! 


 

20121009 – Commute Into City

Tuesday – sun and cloud.

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Today I’ll not bother telling you where we are it should be obvious from the pictures.

Join the iPhone brigade of commuters in and out of the city. What a bloody rat race. How did we survive before the mobile and Internet?

Train seats are really neat they pull either way so you can face forward or back.

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Some of the school uniforms are horrendous. Imagine being a 16 year old, complete with iPhone and white headphones, but having to wear sub near length shorts; white short sleeved shirt and tie; knee length white socks, neatly pulled up and folded over of course; topped off with black shoes. What must that do for their street cred?

Rest of Oz is very civilised, good toilet facilities everywhere. Apparently this city is not so. Try finding a public toilet in the Central Station or surroundings. They’re as rare as politicians with common sense. 

Catch the typical red bus, hop on hop off, city tour. It’s a tad cold on the open top deck but we survive. Great way to see the city. Even got to see the Apple store. Surprised there wasn’t a bus stop directly outside – how weird!

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Have our lavish lunch outside the opera house. Pass on a performance of Madame butterfly. Really not our cup of tea, and I doubt, even in Oz, shorts and sandals would be accepted.

After lunch we catch the Bondi Beach tour. Lovely beach but not a bit like we expected in terms of thongs and bikini shops on the front. Hardly any and very few tat shops. Almost unspoilt.

Todays useless and doubtful piece of information. The word Kangaroo came about when some white settlers pointed to the then unnamed Kangaroo and asked some Aborigines what it was called The Aborigines didn’t understand a word of English – how uncivilised – they said “Kan ga too” which in their language means “I can’t understand you”. 

Good news ordered my iPhone 5 which should be waiting for me when I get back to England – an incentive to come home.

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More non PC humour:

Sheila wants an all over suntan but is not quite sure how to ho about it so she says to Bruce; you reckon I should go sunbathing in the nuddy in the backyard? Yeah, no worries, says Bruce, go for it. But what if the neighbours see me naked, what will they think? Bruce; that I married you for your money…..

Blonde to her friend; I have to be really careful not to get pregnant. Her friend; but didn’t your husband get a vasectomy done recently? Yes, exactly, that’s why… 

DSCF6233Three blokes were working on a high rise building project, Macca, Chook and Simmo. Chook falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Simmo says,”Someone should go and tell his wife.” Macca says, “OK, I`m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.”
Two hours later, Macca comes back carrying a slab of VB. Simmo says,”Where did you get that, Macca?”
“Chook’s missus gave it to me.” “That’s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?” Macca says, “Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, “You must be Chook`s widow.” She said, “No, I’m not a widow.”  And I said, “Wanna bet me a slab”

 

 

Wednesday – hot and sunny, despite the weather forecast which said rain.

Again it’s the commute. This time we have a day pass that’s valid on all trains buses and ferries, they’re a great way to see the city skyline. 

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I just love the next train time board at the local station. Low tech; practical; it works as long as geezer pops out to change it on que. Really satisfies Occams Razor.

Visit the Australia museum and see all the deadly species that dwell here. Amazing 120,000 people die in Oz each year and less than a handful die from the deadly wildlife or sea life. Yet every one equates Oz with the dangerous and deadly.

Really need to master this typing with just thumbs. It really seems to be an under 20’s skill, perhaps we’re evolving into it and future generations will be born with pencil sharp thumbs. The technique seems to be trust the predictive text and don’t worry about spelling, punctuation or grammar – never my strong point.

This city has an awesome skyline. Ironic the skyline is littered with the skyscrapers of banks, banks, banks and more banks; accountants; management consultants; insurance companies. The useless scavengers and leeches on society that got us all into this financial mess.

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Try catching a bus? First you have to find a bus stop – rocking horse shit springs to mind. Oh theres one! Hang on it says “Set Down Only”. Yet the picture shows an androgynous being getting on the bus – common sense strikes again!

After our usual lavish lunch and coffee we catch the ferry to Manly. Great views of the opera house, bridge and harbour. Fantastic skyline.

The catch the ferry to Darlin Harbour. Ferries run every 15 minutes and are a great way to get around the city.

Try the Chinese Gardens. Sorry they’re closed today and no we couldn’t be bothered to put a notice under the signs to stop people wasting their shoe leather – whackers. 

Wander around the harbour and there just so happens to be a few shops.

Coffee on the harbour front watching the World sail by and contemplating yet again how lucky we are.

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Then it’s a swish tram back to Central station and the commute home. In keeping with the locals we pick up the free daily paper to read on the train back.

I’ve had two days without any religious nonsense but then the free paper has two articles to remind me that the fruitcakes are still out there and very active:

Taliban shoot a 14 year old school girl because she had the guts to protest in favour of education for girls.

Muslim private school expels a young girl who was captured, held and raped by a gang for a week. The girl bought shame upon the school. No you managed to bring shame on the school!

Oh and to top it all there’s an article about a Hotel manager asking his staff to post great fake reviews on Trip Advisor to increase it’s ratings. Amazing it’s my regular billet, the Ramada at Glasgow airport, must be slow free news day! Offer me a free bottle of Pinot Noir and I’ll do you a good but true review.

Let’s end on a funny non PC note:


DSCF6378What do you say to a feminist with no arms and no legs?

Option A: NICE TITS !!

Option B: How ya gonna do the dishes?

 

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, “Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.” 
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

 

Man comes home drunk and says to his wife; Jesus, you’re ugly! Wife replies; you are pissed! Man; yes, but that’ll be gone by tomorrow!

Sheila was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath.
One of them was washing her private area, and noticed that there was a response on the monitor,when she touched her.They went to her husband Bruce and explained what happened, telling him,”Crazy as this sounds maybe a little oral sex, will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.”
Bruce was skeptical, but they assured him, that they’d close the curtains for privacy. He finally agreed and went into his wife’s room.DSC01604After a few minutes the woman’s monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room. “What happened?” Bruce replied, “I guess she choked.”

A married bloke was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and rooted all arvo.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The bloke hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
“Where have you been?” his wife demanded.
“I can’t lie to you,” he replied, “I’m having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.”
She looked down at his shoes and said: “You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf!”