Monthly Archives: August 2013

20130827 – French Markets, Sunny Days

Tuesday – hot and sunny.

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It seems that some sad soul has produced a list of when the markets around here are. Whoever the lame brain is he, or more likely a she, should be tarred and feathered and have a full Tesco and Lidl bag permanenetlyl hung around their necks. Have they no idea of the misery they have inflicted on us good natured males as we shuffle around yet another market, looking at the same stalls we saw only yesterday 20 miles away. As the EU are always looking for more regulation why don’t they ban such lists. 

Drive over to Bressure. Top down; Queen blaring out; time to get my own back on the noisy young scrots I keep complaining about.

How’s this for a disabled ramp? One way of cutting the healthcare bill.

Visit the weekly market – what there is of it. Two stalls with the usual black geezers selling belts and bags; a stall of every conceivable kitchen knife; and a Madame Defarge knitting stall. Wendy does her weekly shop, at least Lidl are open, more than can be said for the rest of the lazy tykes.

Another French town with every flag, including German, except the Union Jack. Ungrateful.


I don’t know why I’m surprised after all, France wouldn’t help us get the Germans out of France!

For those who think this retirement is easy just pause and consider the difficult choice we have to make daily. There’s a bottle of St Emillion in the wine locker crying out for my attention. Do I weaken or ignore its cries for attention and continue with the abstinence? Difficult choice but then I realise I’m watching Benefits Britain 1949, all about unemployment benefits, think I’d better have some wine to see me through it without dinting the caravan roof. Plus it’s bread and cheese night, so without wine it would be a sin.

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You know French Bread and cheese is so good it’s enough to make an agnostic say grace.

Watched Benefit Britain 49 – thankfully a bottle of St Emillion helped me keep my normal calm and placid composure. The attitude of those two FECKLESS scrots just about epitomises the problems of todays welfare state. Just love that word feckless, just about sums them up. They have the brass balls say “It’s not worth me while going to work” and “I want to be a rapper, I don’t want any boring work or job I don’t like”. Gulag! 

At least in 1949 they did a great job of turning dependancy into independence. May have been harsh but that’s what we’ve lost.

Lets face it if you want to smoke or drink then get a job; if you want to have flat screens, xbox, laptops (Macs and iPad are excluded from this statement) then get a job; if you want a car then get a job; if you want a home rather than a hostel or barracks then get a job. I’d even go for if you want a vote then get a job – why should you have a say in society if you’re scrounging off it and not contributing to it.

Meanwhile I still think the answer is oh so simple. WORKFARE. That would have got the scroungers back to work or at least contributing and the genuine geezers would have no problem with it.
It just so infuriating.

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“Islam is as dangerous in a man as rabies in a dog” etc was said by non other than Sir Winston Churchill. Very perceptive!

Muslims Defend the Koran 2:19 – speaking of infidels who do not accept the word of the Prophet, commands us to “kill them wherever you may find them.” Here we must be particularly alert, subtle and astute, for killing the unbelievers does not mean to slay them bodily, but to kill them with kindness, in other words, to shower the candy of life upon them, to reward them with prestigious appointments and lavish emoluments, to bow before them in the streets and welcome them into the homes of the devout, to address them with profound respect, to decorate them with titles and ply them with accolades—until, bedazzled by the nobility and magnanimity of Islam, they are ready to convert. 

What a lame brained defence, do they think us Dhimmis all studied at the Taliban Girls University of Democracy. UNBELIEVABLE!

 More Non PC words being replaced by the PC brigade.

Criminal – Replaced by behaviorally challenged. This is one change that makes sense. A lot of the people in prisons today are not really “criminals” in the classic sense. Thanks to the “War on Drugs”, there are a lot of people in jail because they failed to “behave” properly.

 Eastern (As when used when discussing Asian Culture) – Too Eurocentric. Instead, use Africa as your frame of reference. When discussing European culture you should now use the phase “Northern”, and when discussing Asia use the phrase “North-Eastern”. Now isn’t that better?

 Factory – Replaced by Plant. The word Factory is a place where mistreated labourers toil long hours to produce pollution that billows forth from gigantic smokestacks. The word Plant is preferred since it is more difficult for this term to carry a negative connotation since this term is also used to describe nature. Its counterpart noun describes plant life (Plants, as in flowers, shrubs, etc). And the Verb form, to plant, is the process of lovingly placing a seed in the ground so it may one day grow into a mighty oak. Who can complain about having a new plant in their backyard?

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Wednesday – hot and sunny.

Once Wendy’s been down to the river to do the washing we have a bike ride to Generoux. Only 19 Kilometers (yes I’ve gone all European these days) but Wendy thinks it’s the end of the earth and expects a Duke of Edinburgh Gold Award. Coffee in the local restaurant, of course Johnny foreigners in there stuffing themselves up to their hairy armpits; followed by our lavish lunch of a pear, sat by the river; then it’s blackberry (no not the smartphone kind) picking on the way back. Enough free blackberries for my next 3 breakfasts.

Then it’s back for afternoon tea. Sadly no Assam, apparently the Frenchies don’t sell it, no wonder the countries pending disaster, but never mind they’ll have the lowest retirement age in Europe – yet another reason to exit the EU.

Apparently there is a name for the feeling of anxiety caused by separation from one’s smartphone. Nomophobia—literally, “no-mobile” phobia—is the fear of losing or being without a cell phone. Allegedy 66% of Smartphone owners suffer from it. I think it’s really Nointerphobia. But a recent survey (American of course) of Smartphone misuse reveals that 9% of Smartphone owners use them while having sex. What more could you ask for sex and Internet at the same time – a nerds delight.

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So the clowns continue their biro rattling and are getting all righteous and uptight about chemical attacks in Syria. Yes, its awful but if we don’t have the facts and the UN can’t come to a decision (isn’tt that what they’re therefore) then lets just keep our do gooder, progressive, liberal noses out; our troops out; our money out and our aid out. Leave them to it. Haven’t we learnt enough from past meddling?

They’ll not thank us and ultimately be unleashing terrorist attacks on us using any weapons we provide.

So riddle me this. If the Koran is the unadulterated word of Allah, and therefore perfect, how come his words can be so easily confused? Aren’t all these so called Muslim scholars who are spending all their time interpreting the words of Allah therefore guilty of blasphemy? And what is the penalty for blasphemy? Problem solved.

Muslims Defend the Koran 8:12 – which reads: “I will cast terror into the hearts of those who disbelieve. Therefore strike off their heads and strike off every fingertip of them,” is not meant to be taken literally. The true meaning is: browbeat them tactfully and lightly slap their wrists if they persist in their folly and continue to rebuff your acts of philanthropic munificence. This is the Islamic version of tough love.

Thursday – hot and sunny.Sounds like it’s been written by someone with serious brain damage from a knock on the head, perhaps they were “stoned” at the time. LAUGHABLE! By the way I’m IMG 1494 alking about the defence statement, Allah forbid anyone should even hint that the Koran was written by someone with serious brain damage they’d really be throwing their toys out, rioting, killing and I’d have a Fatwas thingy issued against me faster than you can say “stone an infidel blasphemer”.

Sad news, the blackberries were tasteless – typical Johnny Foreigner produce.

Lazy morning then brief trip to local supermarket. 

After lunch a walk down to the local park. Too hot for anything energetic.

Two great new words that I’m going to torture to oblivion over the next few weeks.

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Feckless – lacking initiative or strength of character; irresponsible. Best applied to scrots living off the welfare state.

Gander – a look or glance. But better meaning is to anger – get your gander up.

Q: What do you call a Frenchman advancing on Baghdad? A: A salesman. 

Q. What does a French military alliance and a French romance have in common?
A. Both are brief, sordid, and completely meaningless.

Q. Do you know why so many Europeans Immigrated to North America? A. To get as far away from the French as possible. 

Islamic clerics and tribal elders in Pakistan’s north-west Khyber Pakhtunkhwa province have barred women from shopping without a male relative.

And there was me all ready to convert to Islam, I’d already bought the black bin liner for Wendy. Sod that for an overdose of piety, imagine having to go to ASDA every week with her indoors.

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How come all French supermarkets make you walk all the way to the right  to get in? Then if you want to leave without buying anything you have to walk to the same entrance and some French doxy, with hairy armpits and a look as if she chewed on a decomposed frog, lets you out through a naughty boys barrier. How dare you not buy something!

Things I hate about Apple. Macbook will pair via Bluetooth to an iPad but not to an iPhone. A deliberate ploy, I believe, on Apples behalf to encourage use of iCloud. So much for all there fine words and design philosophy this is an absolute disgrace and typical greed. I’d feed the person responsible to the Saturday afternoon lion feeding in my coliseum, probably some  MBA marketing   scrot. 

Who said it – “Question with boldness even the existence of a god; because, if there be one, he must more approve the homage of reason than that of blindfolded fear”? Answer in tomorrows blog.

20130824 – French Markets, Cat Burning And Of Course That Religion Of Peace

Saturday – cool and cloudy.

Saunter into town to the DIY shop for some wood and then gets the highlight of the week with the Airvault market. All of 11 stalls – excitement.

Nearly get decapitated by the low flying road sign. Obviously not a problem to the short arsed French (sorry vertically challenged).

Lazy afternoon.

4 days of abstinence and I finally weaken to a St Emillion Grand Cru.

At last we settle down to watch our Dallas DVD. Where’s Mandy Winger?

Discrimination against Muslims is racism. Discrimination by Muslims against others is religion.

Question: What English word has no equivalent in the French language?
Answer: Gratitude

NEWS FLASH: The French Open tennis tournament had to be cancelled. France has plenty of rackets, but no balls. 

A man askes his companion, “What’s the most common French expression”? His friend scratches his head, shrugs his shoulders and replies, “I give up!”

I DON’T BELIEVE IT. Wind farms have received payments of £19 million not to generate 215 gigawatt hours — enough electricity to supply nearly 50,000 households for a year.

This is equivalent to three 30-megawatt wind farms, costing about £90 million to build, standing idle since the beginning of the year. 

The company blamed very windy weather over the summer for the large amount of potential electricity going to waste. Last weekend alone, £3.9 million was paid to wind farms not to generate.

And still we rush to build more subsidised (with our money) wind farms. Are’t you glad the clowns have a sensible energy policy. Pots for rags.

Sunday – rainy in the morning, hot and sunny afternoon and evening.

Great opportunity to character assassinate other campers.

The Copy Cat Couples – they do everything together. He cleans his car the other cleans his car, she messes with awning the other does, he cooks the other cooks, one parks the car at an angle the other mirrors it and they both ignore everyone else on the campsite in complete unison – totally wrapped up in their little world. It’s like watching synchronised swimming on land – hilarious! On the plus side Wendy says the men clean properly “not like you”.

The Walrus and Wimp – she sits on her big fat arse (how non PC can you get) and he rushes around after her fetching and carrying. Both seem to have a major problem with a simple good morning – sends them into a catatonic state of total ignorance. Then we have the occasional Walrus gropes, when he tries to get his arms around her.

Doggy People – disappear every day and leave their poor little dog alone to roast inside their caravan. Now left for home. I wonder whether the dogs left in the caravan ready for next year?

Mr T and Family – he’s built like a brick shit house. Happy family with two hyper kids (4 and 6 year old) who need constant stimulation. Is this really a holiday for them?

Try various wifi options and repeater mode to boost wifi signal etc but their networks having non of it.

Finish off my Grand Cru in the evening.

Treasured Phrases replaced by PC Tripe:

Broken Home – Replaced by Dysfunctional family.

Bum – Replaced by Homeless Person.Calling a person a “Bum” implies that the person is a moocher that is too lazy to get a job. Referring to him as a “Homeless Person” removes this stigma, and implies that he would be a perfectly normal citizen if only the government would give him a house. (See :State-Socialism)

Crazy – Replaced by the term Mental Illness. And, since it is an illness, it may be treated in the same manner as other diseases – with drugs. Of course, this idea is nothing new … people have been using drugs to treat depression for centuries.

 Oh fiddlesticks a study has shown that the antioxidant compound in red wine thought to confer health benefits appears to block the cardiovascular benefits of exercise. Hang on, I don’t do any exercise so not a problem.

One of the greatest sources of amusement in the 16th century Paris what’s Burning at the Midsummer is fair and impresario would gather dozens of cats in and that always them hi into the air from special stage and then to everyone’s delight lower the whole writing bundle onto a bonfire the assembled spectators shrieked with laughter as animals Harlingwood playing with Singlish 
roasted and finally carbonised

Cat burning was a form of zoosadistic entertainment in 17th century Paris, France. In this form of entertainment, people would gather dozens of cats in a net and hoist them high into the air from a special bundle onto a bonfire. The assembled people “shrieked with laughter as the animals, howling with pain, were singed, roasted, and finally carbonized.”

 The Catholic church revealed that following Pope Francis on Twitter can reduce the amount of time followers’ souls spend in purgatory. The church has restored the ancient tradition of “indulgences”, which reduce time spent in purgatory.

 A source from the Apostolic Penitentiary, a Vatican court that handles the forgiveness of sins, said: “You must be following the events live. It is not as if you can get an indulgence by chatting on the internet.” Pope Francis has more than 2.7m Twitter followers.

Monday – rainy day hunkered down.

The joys of French cheese. Sadly it’s not bread and cheese tonight but thankfully every time the fridge door is opened we get that fantastic aroma of French cheeses – joy.

Typical day:

1 Breakfast about 08:00

2 Coffee and the Times online. Crossword. Madame De Farge clicks aways with her knitting needles.

3 Coffee and French newspapers online – with interactive translation service to assist. More clicking from Wendy.

4 Yougurt of the downward facing dog kind along with some exercise. 

5 Coffee and Chicago University course on the Physics of Global Warming. More clicking from Wendy as she chunners away to me not realising I can’t hear a word.

6 Coffee and some French from my Michelle Thomas course. More knitting from Wendy, by now she’s given up talking.

7 Walk or bike ride or open top time (plays havoc with my hair).

8 Afternoon tea and some Kindle time.

9 17:00 alcohol. Well I try to resist. But being in France without wine is a bit like sex without an orgasm!

10 Some TV. East Enders on the good days for Wendy.

A tough regime. How will we cope with 5 weeks of this.

More Un PC French jokes:

Q. How many frenchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. One, because he holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him

Q. How do you confuse a French Soldier?
A. Give him a rifle and ask him to shoot it.

Q. Why don’t Master Card and Visa work well in France
A.They do not know how to say “CHARGE!”

Q. What do women who are snipers in the French military use as camouflage?
A. Their armpits

What is it with the French? Are they just squares? They’re obsessed with square ruled notepads in their supermarkets. A simple ruled A4 notepad is rarer than a Taliban in yellow marigolds doing the dishes.


Who said it?

“Islam is as dangerous in a man as rabies in a dog”
How dreadful are the curses which Mohammedanism lays on its votaries! Besides the fanatical frenzy, which is as dangerous in a man as hydrophobia in a dog, there is this fearful fatalistic apathy. The effects are apparent in many countries. Improvident habits, slovenly systems of agriculture, sluggish methods of commerce, and insecurity of property exist wherever the followers of the Prophet rule or live. A degraded sensualism deprives this life of its grace and refinement; the next of its dignity and sanctity. The fact that in Mohammedan law every woman must belong to some man as his absolute property – either as a child, a wife, or a concubine – must delay the final extinction of slavery until the faith of Islam has ceased to be a great power among men. Thousands become the brave and loyal soldiers of the faith: all know how to die but the influence of the religion paralyses the social development of those who follow it. No stronger retrograde force exists in the world. Far from being moribund, Mohammedanism is a militant and proselytizing faith. It has already spread throughout Central Africa, raising fearless warriors at every step; and were it not that Christianity is sheltered in the strong arms of science, the science against which it had vainly struggled, the civilisation of modern Europe might fall, as fell the civilisation of ancient Rome.

Answer in tomorrows blog.