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20171105 – More Fun / Stress At The Parks

Sunday – hot and sunny.

On our way back to the Magic Kingdom.

After our weeks Disney cruise we now have a week left of Disney park tickets. Oh joy more fun.

Up early and out to the Magic Kingdom. Big mistake choosing this park today. There was a 06:00 marathon and they’re filming their Disney advert. The place is rammed. 140 minutes is the record wait time. Just an indication of the greed, money for old rope. How can they fail to make money?

At least we have some Fast passes so get on the best rides apart from the Seven Dwarfs. Starbucks are just beyond hope, more customers than Muslims around the Kaba at Ramadan. Stuff them. Good day despite the crowds and managed to do some of the older rides and the train, still great rides for younger kids. Thankfully we missed It’s A Small World. At least we were not too late leaving – learning some common sense.
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Another street show.

Despite the queues the things we really love about Disney are:

1 No selfie sticks waving around to poke your eye out.

2 No litter.

3 No chewing gum mountains to climb on the pavements.

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Oh the excitement of a Mr Potato Head.

Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won’t call you a week later.

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. “How do you breath through something so small?”

Q. What’s worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

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Only Fiona and Kasper have the stomach for this kids ride.

Security is the usual joke. No profiling. Let’s select Fiona with a baby in arms, but don’t let’s bother looking near her boobs. Oh and while we’re at it what about that 68 year old grandmother from belthorn. Never mind them young men with beards, or them middle eastern geezers. When will we learn.

Security and TSA a whole industry with massive inconvenience and yet in trials only 10% effective. For the supposed greatest nation on Earth, all caused by a barbaric 6th century rag head living in a cave in Afghanistan, you would think they’d be humbled and hang their head in shame, but as arrogant and as ever.

There has to be a better solution. Could this be the future solution – watch this space.

Monday – hot and sunny.

All the fun of the fair on the more traditional ride.

Decide last minute to go to the Florida Mall – Fiona’s treat and all time favourite theme park.

Take a guess as to which store in the whole of the Florida Mall is rammed full to the gunnels? Well it’s not Victorias secrets or Bose. Yes, it’s the nerds store, Apple. The Microsoft store is next door, probably hoping for some passing trade to rub off. No chance. It’s empty.

Then it’s Hollywood studios again today. Catch most of the good rides with Fast pass, including Toy story which is as good, if not better than, Buzz Light Year. Jasper goes on Tower Of Terror but does not enjoy it and is frightened.

See if you can pull that out.

We were thinking of staying for Fantasmic but chicken out. It’s just too late for the kids, never mind the adults. Have tea back at home, fortunately I have my Spicy Italian Subway, with an excess of jalapeños, so tomorrow no doubt my arse will be on fire.

Hal,Carol and Angela arrive to stay with us for a few days.
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Religion does no harm, Bill Maher reflects

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Hang onto him before he takes off.

Christmas – better be careful using that word I’ll have the PC thought police after me – comes early here at Disney. Only the 6th November and the greedy gnomes on the 96th floor are either devout Christian religious fruitcakes or are out to extract every last cent from the muppets they call customers.

They must be salivating with glee and expectation over their gargantuan bonuses, as all those muppets come storming in, just more dollars on legs. A money machine. If they can’t make a profit with these volumes then time to give up and open a luminous ink tattoo parlour in Jamaica.

Tuesday – hot and sunny.

Nothing like a good old fashioned train ride.

Jasper and Angela enjoy the pool with Kurt.

Cool down in the pool

Lazy morning then we’re off to Epcot for the afternoon. My god it’s hotter than the hinges of hell and sweatier than a Water Hoggs backside.

Epcot dive.

I do yet another dive with Disney Quest in their giant Aquarium. Great dive, just 25 feet deep, warm with plenty of pretty fish and fake coral – can you believe it Disney use the fake stuff. My sort of dive these days and helps me keep my hand in at diving. As usual my ears feel like they’re going to implode and no doubt I’ll be deaf for a week. Some amazing sharks, complete with mangy teeth; colourful sting rays; giant turtles, two of which start kissing one another just in front of me – fortunately they remember it’s Disney and resist having it off. Get to do a high five with Jasper who cutely blows me kisses through the glass wall.

Jasper gives me a high five.

Then in the evening we have a makeshift meal, on the pavement, whilst waiting for the firework and light display. Very impressive, the display that is, as always.

A late night but fortunately traffic clears quickly. If this was in the UK it’d take at least a day to clear those crowd, people would die of old age in the process
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The Truth About Islamophobia

Wednesday – hot and sunny.

A great white.

Drop Kurt and Fiona off at Disney Springs, formerly Downtown Disney, no doubt some bright spark on the 94th floor of the Disney marketing building thought it would be a wonderful idea to change the name. It almost certainly cost a fortune, I doubt it has had a measured or measurable benefit, and I doubt whether the dickhead responsible has been given a brown envelope and escorted off the premises.

Wendy and I get to take Jasper to Epcot for the morning. As usual his behaviour is impeccable and we have a great morning together doing some of the less popular activities at Epcot. Including a light lab where he gets to mix colours and gets to learn that red, green and blue, the additive primary colours, makes white.

Jasper learns about colour.

Amazing 3D animation from Disney and Pixar. Mind blowing. That good I even watched it twice.

Kurt and Fiona meet up with us for lunch.

So hot again. We start to have a wander around the Lands but give up as it’s just too hot.

Set off back home so Wendy and Fiona can go to Walmart – you’d have thought they’d have put their slippers and pyjamas on to fit in with the clientele and for such an auspicious outing. Kurt and I are left looking after the kids. Jasper and I have a whale of a time in the pool.

In the evening we have some wine and Dark and Stormy cocktails.
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Beatrix learning early.

Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?

Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A. Why are you shaking? She’s going to eat me!

Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
A. We’d eat pussy every Thanksgiving.

Q. What’s the difference between love and herpes?
A. Love doesn’t last forever.

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He didn’t come on our dive.

Disney seem to have perfected queues from hell. And Starbucks join in the fun game of piss off the customer with long queues. I’d rather go suck pond water through a straw.

Meanwhile Mexicans and drug barons don’t seem to grasp the concept of a queue, think they must have some German genes in their makeup.

Then we have the ultimate in we don’t care, f..k the customer / muppets, with Mobile food ordering only. No mobile, then you starve.

Thursday – hot and sunny.

Jasper enjoys the pool.

Fiona’s off to her theme park today with a trip to the Outlet Stores. No trip to America would be worthwhile without such a 3 hour retail therapy session. It’s Starbucks for me.

Then sadly we drop them off at the airport, complete with more luggage than a travelling circus act. Say our good byes. We’ve had an awesome time with our kids and grandkids, we’ll miss them and will be rattling around in our awesome 4 bedroomed Orlando home for the next 16 days.

Well it’s been an awesome holiday with kids and grand kids. Love them all but driving with a screaming grandkids can fray your nerves to shreds. Best holiday ever.

In the evening we have a lazy, booze free evening, and catch up on Blue Planet and the Gunpowder series.
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Last family Disney photo.

Are the Disney parks some sort of adipose tissue magnet. Or is there some sort of blobby causing virus in the air around here. You just can’t move for fat guts, to say nothing of the giant boobs. You have to take care one doesn’t swing round and wipe you out with an adipose tissue sideswipe.

Friday – hot and sunny.

Magic Kingdom on our own.

Hal and co depart for Charlestone. So now it’s just the two of us, peace, quiet and tranquility. Time to catch up on three weeks worth of blogs, get some reading in, sort through thousands of photos and whittle them down to manageable numbers ready for a holiday album and hopefully get some reading in.

We’ve still got 3 days of Disney Park passes left so after a lazy day, we set off for the Magic Kingdom Fireworks. Arrive about 17:50, wow it’s really busy. Car park attendant asks us if we’re here for the party. “No, what party?” Park close at 18:00, no fireworks, it’s party night and yes you guessed it, it’s extra admission fee. Turn round and go home. Teach me a valuable lesson – knowledge is not just power but essential – in future check the calendar.

Never mind finish off watching Gunpowder, some TV all washed down with a very tasty Merlot.
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Civilisation at the Grand Floridian.

Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while you’re having sex?
A. Phone her and tell her.

Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
A. Brothel sprouts.

Q. So how is your marriage with Miss Right?
A. I didn’t know her first name was “Always.”

Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A. When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.

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Optional security. Yes its a new concept bought to you by Disney. They’ve tried random selection. Doubt it they’ve ever had the gonads to use common sense and profile, so now they must be trying the latest in ineffectiveness and waste. If you don’t fancy it just walk around the body scanners.

Saturday – hot and sunny.

Full sized real ginger bread house.

Lazy morning and then in the afternoon we set off for the Magic Kingdom again. Too busy to get on any ride. Not queueing 60 minutes.

Have evening dinner at the Grand Floridian, all very elegant and civilised. Then back to the park for the laser, light and fireworks. It’s an hour before they’re due to start yet everywhere is already rammed.

We stand, sit and wait for 50 minutes. Can’t believe it. But have to admit it was spectacular, almost worth it. After this every firework display is going to seem insipid.

Happily Ever After media, laser and firework display:

Then this was followed by Once Upon A Time laser show at Magic Kingdom:

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Magic Kingdom fireworks.

Really need to learn to cope with the scrots of the World. Those who park in disabled or Mums and Baby slots; spit chewing gum out; abuse queues; throw fag packets out the car; and in Disney climb over fences, trample plants just to save them going around the exit. Need to just ride the wave of life rather than speaking out. Why bother you’ll never change them. The world would be such a better place without them but that’s life.

“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, 
the courage to change the things I can, 
and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Reinhold Niebuhr


“If you don’t like something, change it. 
If you can’t change it, change your attitude. 
Don’t complain.” 

Maya Angelou

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Radical Islam: The Most Dangerous Ideology:

Awesome Fireworks.

20171029 – Disney Cruise, A Week On A Floating Gin Palace Full Of Screaming Rug Rats – And We Enjoyed Every Minute Of It.

Sunday – hot and sunny.

In the Royal Court.

Meal last night in the Royal Court was amazing. The 10 of us had the centre table and were treated like royalty. Food and service was awesome.

Jasper enjoying the pool.

The show was mediocre. The sort of show to sleep through. I had the best sleep ever, on unknown women’s shoulder.

Today we’re all up pretty early for a great breakfast in Cabana followed by a day at Sea. Kids have a great day by the pool. Boy is it busy and noisy. There’s an nfestation of little, sticky fingered rugrats running a mock and screaming loud enough to pop the rivets holding this floating gin palace together. Every few hours they kick all the rug rats out the pool to test the water and look for any turds. Then when they find the inevitable turd they kick everyone out; drain the pool; send in a high pressure wash team. I pass on the pool.

Wendy attends a 3D Mickey Mouse creation activity, apparently for some perverse reason it’s for big kids, adults only. Sounds like a load of perverts, perhaps it’s a Mickey and friends Chippendales strip show with Minnie and Daisy doing a spot of pole dancing.

Devon enjoys it too.

So much going on for the kids, it’s all go. With fantastic kids clubs but our lot don’t seem to really go for them much.

Tonights the formal night but like all American cruises the majority of people take no notice of it – at the end of the day we’re the customer paying for it.

Tonight we eat in the Animator restaurant. Every night we cycle through the 3 restaurants, so we get to try each one. Our waiters follow us. More great food and service.

As my booze has been impounded by the Disney pirates it’s an opportunity to try various whisky and whiskey. Bullit Rye is very tasty as is the Canadian Royal Rye.
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And the adults even get some sun, but not much peace and quiet.

Despite my booze being impounded I have to say how impressed I am with Disneys complaint handling; the quality of service is awesome; they go above and beyond even my expectations. The best cruise we’ve ever been on, everything was tip top. Pity they don’t do a Disney cruise for adults as I don’t think you’d want to do this without the joy of seeing the little ones enjoyment and the delight on their faces.

Has to be the best family holiday ever. Something we’ll always look back on with glee. It was truly awesome. So glad we did it, you just can’t put a value on this experience and the magical memories.

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What do Viagra and Disney Land have in common? A: They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two minute ride!

When I was younger, I dressed ups a frog and robbed a bank. That was my first time that I Kerm-itted a crime.

If cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, why did it fall off in the first place?

Way to go DisneyWorld is a people trap set by a mouse.

What was Captain Hooks name when he had two hands?

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Just trimming my toe nails. Wish I was that flexible.

Two Stone Age villages in Georgia were making giant clay vats of wine at least 8,000 years ago, according to archaeologists who believe they have found the oldest known example of viniculture.

Previously, the earliest evidence of wine-making came from six nine-litre jars that were buried in the floor of a 7,000-year-old house at Hajji Firuz Tepe in northwestern Iran.

Neolithic wine fermented in jars was hard to characterise as no DNA had been found

The Georgians appear to have been fermenting grapes as much as a millennium earlier — about 2,500 years before the wheel was invented. Obviously got their priorities right.

Monday – hot and sunny.


We’re in Cozumel today. Must be our 3rd visit.

It’s Fiona’s 31st birthday so we give her the Rain Forrest spa experience for her and Kurt as part of her birthday gift.

As we get off there’s free mosquito repellent, along with warnings of the danger. Everyone’s getting larded up with mosquito repellent and looks like a walking slime buckets.

Mexican safety!

Mexican immigration is an interesting alternative, no armed officers checking passports and stamping dates as to how long you can stay. But there again it’s such a shit hole that I’m sure they have no problems with illegal immigrants. Instead they force you through a load of duty free shops.

Thankfully there’s a Starbucks although you need a degree in Spanish to be able to log onto the wifi – crap really when you consider that the majority of the tourist that come speak English, but no it’s just another dago country where they can’t be bothered to consider the customer.

We all have a wander round but nothing much to see really. Of course if you’re really desperate for something to do and titivate you then you can dip your feet in a tank of tropical fish – weird. Wendy buys a spider man costume for Jasper and in typical fashion manages to negotiate the price down from $20 to $7. She should try some of those tactics next time she’s at the checkout in Aldi.

Another one of those places that it’s best to do an overpriced trip or just stay on board.

Ross and co in Cozumel.

Start our on board detective hunt with Devon and Jasper. It’s quite amazing and good entertainment.

They celebrate Halloween tonight with a massive kids party with Disney characters; trick and treat rewards everywhere and in the evening there’s free drinks of a cocktail or beer in the atrium. Of course most are dressed in fancy dressed costumes as part of the American Halloween, marketing and greed driven, excessive behaviour.

Have a beer before tea with everyone. Then it’s time for dinner in the Enchanted Forrest. Food and service are excellent but the place is oppressively cramped. Rather not eat in here again. Need to have a word with my Disney minder Carla when she rings us at night.

Blanton Rye Whiskey is not so good.
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Appeasing Islam

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Devon on the detective hunt.

The Yank in front of me pays with a $20 bill, can you believe they don’t have any dollars for change so they palm him off with Peso’s and he’s gullible enough to accept them.

I try to pay with my 1,000 peso note. What they won’t accept it. Well to be fair it is columbian peso’s.

Tuesday – hot and sunny.

Having a strawberry Dakari.

Today we’re in Gran Cayman. Again must be our 3rd visit. We don’t dock until later and it’s a tender in, so we have a wander into town after an early lunch. Everyone soon gets fed up with the place. Me, Wendy, Beatrix and Fiona explore a little further. But there’s no Starbucks. Find a mediocre bottle of wine I can take back on board.

We stop at the Margarita bar where we all enjoy a strawberry dakari.

Back on board I get the joy of finishing the detective hunt with Jasper. It really is a treasured experience.

Wendy and Fiona have a treat when they go to the laundrette on board. Nearly as good as a trip to the supermarket.

In the evening Kurt feeds Beatrix on our 10 seater table in the Royal court. Just the two of them.

Meet Woody.

Then we dump the kids in kid clubs while the adults, complete with Beatrix, head to our free meal (it pays to complain) at the speciality restaurant Palo. Sadly they won’t let Beatrix in so Kurt and Fiona head off to Cabana restaurant for diner while the rest of us enjoy a awesome Italian meal at Palo. Pity about our Italian waiter whose gob seems to suffer from verbal incontinence. If he doesn’t shut up soon he’s going to find his gob impaled on the sharp end of a bread role. Kurt and Fiona get to have a quiet romantic evening in Palo on Friday whilst we look after the kids and Beatrix.

Kids get presents in their room with a character blanket. Yet another benefit of complaining.
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If Cinderella can get her prince charming without taking her dress off, then so can you.

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? A: Gag

Why do the seven dwarfs laugh when they play soccer? A: The grass tickles their balls

Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey? A: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork.

What is Mickey’s favorite weapon? A: A Minnie-Uzi!

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The solution to stop Islam:

Wednesday – hot and sunny.

Ready for the pirates night in our cabin.

Arrive early – 07:30 – in Falmouth, Jamaica. Lazy breakfast then Wendy and I along with Kurt’s brood go ashore for a shifty around. Port area is typical shops but quite pleasant. Once you venture out of the port you do start to believe the warnings about this place being dangerous. We’ve all left watches in the safe on board. After 15 minutes we head back to the safety of the port. This place is poor and rough. More people doing an awesome impression of a badgers arse, not part of the Disney experience.

Ross and his brood stay on board around the pool.

Meet up for lunch and then afterwards it’s kids events around the ship. Oh and Wendy becomes one of the biggest kids with drawing in the Oceaner Lab and then some 3D animation.


In the evening we have yet another meet the Princesses extravaganza, as an added delight there’s a man on balcony picking his nose, heaven nose where the debris fell. I wonder whether that’s part of the Disney script.

Meanwhile todays gifts, for the “selected special family” are gold chocolate coins in our room.
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What do Mickey Mouse and Micheal Jackson have in common? They both have black with white faces, wear gloves, and like to play with children.

The Lone Ranger and tonto were riding through the prarie when all of a sudden tonto stops and puts his ear to the ground, The Lone Ranger says “What are you doing tonto?” Tonto says ” kemosabbie, buffalo come” The Lone Ranger then says, “how can you tell?” Tonto replies ” ear sticky”

Your fanny should be called Jasmine cause it’s always got Aladdin

That awkward moment when you’re watching The Lion King and realize Simba got laid during the song “Can You Feel The Love Tonight.”

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Mickey, yet again.

Hundreds of New Yorkers collectively screamed at the sky in a protest to mark a year since Donald Trump was elected president.
Similar protests were held in cities across the US including Philadelphia, Dallas and Austin on Wednesday, although pictures suggested fewer people than expected turned up.

In New York, anti-Trump protesters gathered in Washington Square Park holding placards and signs. Footage from the scene showed the crowd howling up at the sky in anger. No doubt the lefty, PC, Bed wetters in the UK will have joined in the idiocy, probably led by JC and his side kick Diane Abbott.

Thursday – hot and sunny.

Wendy meets her heroine.

Lazy day at sea. Plenty going on for the kids.

Wendy gets her 70th Birthday cake a tad early.

Went to the hypnosis lecture. As it also mentioned weight loss it was the biggest concentration of adipose tissue on the ship. Good job it was midships or I think the ship would have taken on a dangerous list.

Silly me, no wonder it was free they try to sell you a CD.

Go to take photos at the baby crawl race. Women sits down on the floor next to me and asks what this for. Just goes to show how the gullible will join any queue.

Some Jamaican joinery at it’s best!

Sat near the geriatrics couple from hell. They should play a video of these two to all prospective young couples, guaranteed to have them high tail it to the nearst monastery. Not a peep out of them or to one another. She’s glued to her kindle, him to his iPhone. Marriage can be so stimulating.

Good show in the evening, even I stayed awake. A bit more whiskey tasting.

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Vacuum cleaner used to suck up excess and noisy rug rats.

A whole week without internet. Serious withdrawal symptoms, climbing the walls and chewing on my digits. But the real joy is a whole week without having to input a single password – happier than a midget at a mini-skirt convention.

Friday – hot and sunny.

Sandcastles always a favourite for kids of all ages.

It’s Castaway Quay today. A beach day. Disney’s own fantasy Island in the Bahamas. Actually, as you’d expect from Disney, it’s quite well organised with good facilities. Quite a money spinner no docking fees and everything they take on the activities goes straight to Disney.

Have an argument with an arrogant, yank re deck chairs. Offer to try and sort it so that both families get what they want, but he’s having none of it. Prefers to be an arrogant prick and sit on a chair amidst ours. Make you realise why the Americans can be such warmongers.

Try the water slide with Honey, but pass on snorkelling as they expect you to wear a life vest.

Castaway Quay with water slide.

We last about 2 hours before having launch and heading back to the ship. We’re just not beach, sun and sand people.

The pool decks just a cacophony of screaming rug rats and big screen movies. There’s really no peace and quiet to be had anywhere on this floating gin palace.

We’re on rug rat duties tonight looking after Jasper and Beatrix while the parents go to Palo for a speciality meal. Jasper goes into kid club.

We all go to the show. Vampires thrive on blood and our British cruise director seems to thrive on applause. “Did you enjoy….”, “and what about….”. And of course the Americans just love inane applause and shouting for the slightest thing. It’s just a pity she didn’t say “and what about the bog rolls on board, aren’t they fantastic?”. They’d have obliged with thunderous applause.

Dinner in Animation restaurant.

Show is pretty mediocre and spoilt by cruise director’s applause seeking. What ever happened to a show to sleep to and a strangers shoulder to sleep on.

Then the theatre chair eats Jasper, as he gets his foot stuck down the back of the chair and is screaming the place down. Not that anyone notices with all the raucous applause and shouting going on. Me thinks it could be a trip to the county court.

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Qur’an Gangbang episode 6: Daughters of Allah

Saturday – hot and sunny.

Little princes at Halloween.

Breakfast in enchanted garden – claustrophobic start to the day.

Pick up my contraband booze. Then we disembark. Bit of a queue but overall a pretty smooth and slick process. Even immigration are fast and sacrifice all there usual stamp, stamp, fingerprint palaver. Must remember to try smuggling again as the complaints bought us all those freebies – Victor confirms it pays to complain.

The drive to our new home for 3 weeks is pretty uneventful and we’re there by 11:00.


Our 4 bedroomed home is awesome. Has a pool and everything you can think of. Thanks to Barrie for giving us the details, has to be one of the best VRBO’s we’ve ever stayed in – for pictures see next weeks blog.

In the afternoon Wendy and I nip down to the Mall to see if I can get a iPhone X. No chance sold out and of course it’s a state secret when they’ll be getting anymore in – security – stuff the customer yet again.

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Really impressed with our new home, great wifi, they’ve thought of everything. Sadly they’ve even thought of providing UK TV access via a Roku box and a Smart DNS on their router. Unfortunately having a Smart DNS at router level means that I can’t override it with my Apple TV and get either USA or even UK Netflix. Too dam clever by half. Fortunately we can get all UK channels and HBO Now.

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I’m Offended By Islam

Princess Wendy