Monthly Archives: November 2016

20161120 – San Diego; A Spot of Culture; Visit Old Friends

Sunday – hot and sunny.

Mission Bay

Mission Bay

For all those whining cry babies who are throwing their toys out the pram because Trump won and now want to flee the country. Go. Abandon your country. We’ll gladly have your citizenship. Dual citizenship would suit us just right.

Our cultural overdose watching “The Two Gentlemen of Verona” by Billy Shakespoke. Wendy dragged along kicking and screaming. Not bad for a first attempt at writing a play.

The language is oh so rich but so fast that you don’t really have time to let it seep in and enjoy it. They should have to pause after each sentence so you can absorb it.

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George Carlin on political nonsense – plenty of it around here:

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Gas lamp district

Gas lamp district

I’ve started eating lots of carrots to cope with the dark roads. Here we are in the richest country and richest state, full of left wing do gooders, tree huggers and yet fewer street lights than there are at the North Pole on the summer equinox. Driving at night is daunting. Like a mole without a torch. As to reversing at night, just don’t go there. Every time you reverse in this country you can guarantee a brass band turns up to practice in the light from your reversing lights. Failing a brass band it will be a loony shopper with her trolley trying to check he shopping bill.

Monday – Rain and sun.

Wendy & Elvis at Coronado

Wendy & Elvis at Coronado

At last we get some rain here in the desert. Yes, apparently San Diego is classed as a desert.

Lazy morning. Pop down to see Ralph in the supermarket.

After lunch we take a stroll along the beach down to Belmont Park. It’s an old 60’s style amusement park complete with wooden rollercoaster that these days would be considered ideal for a tiny tots amusement park. That’s enough excitement for the day.

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Bilbao park

Bilbao park

WHY, Why, why would anyone in their right mind go to Dubai? Or any Islamic country for that matter. Dubai seems like it’s the “in place” to go but remember it’s an Islamic country. Laws based on 7th century tribal barbarism and Sharia.

Prison for sex outside marriage.

Prison or deportation for women not “covered up”.

Prison or deportation for women who are raped, unless of course they can find 4 men to testify to the fact. If you raped then best advice seems to be grin and bear it. Report it to the police and you’re guilty of sex outside of marriage or adultery.

Flogging and stoning are still allowed.

Why doesn’t the Foreign office just advise avoid any Islamic country.

Perhaps the UK should introduce similar laws, only conforming to our norms. No burkas and you’re obliged to show a bit of flesh etc.

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Don’t you just love American ingenuity. They finally get around to rolling out chip and pin, although it’s by no means complete yet. But I still don’t think they really understand it. Just put Wendy’s chip card in for $25 of petrol, but it can’t be bothered to ask for the pin – that’s why it’s called chip & pin. What is the point? No wonder my cards been abused.

Tuesday – hot and sunny.

Coronado

Coronado


Up and out down to the Old Town to pick up the Hop On and Off Tram tour. A tad expensive but a great way to see San Diego – again.

Coronado hotel

Coronado hotel

Hop off for a wander around the Gas Lamp district. What a waste that was.

Hop off for a wander around Coronado. Visit the hotel but decide lunch and even a coffee are just too ridiculously priced. Have a stroll around followed by a Panera lunch for Wendy and Starbucks for. Coronado is so up market and relaxing.

Hop off at Bilbao Park for a stroll around. Have tea at the Japanese Tea Hous. Interesting discussion there with 3 raving ranting raging democratic storm troopers, who think that anyone who voted Trump was an idiot and the sun shone out of poor Hilary’s vagina. Wow this country is so polarised. Is there no middle ground? To listen to them everything Trump does is crazy and evil, even breathing. Surely most Americans would agree that both candidates were awful and it was down to choosing the lesser of two evils.

Coronado beach

Coronado beach

We didn’t hop off at Little Italy, but it looks a great place for a stroll and some coffee.

Finish our tour back at the Old Town. More Mexican shops and restaurants than tacos on a Tuesday.

A great day out. What a lovely city San Diego is if you keep off the Freeways and don’t go out at night.

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The Bubble from Saturday Night Live:

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img_0559Here we go again:

Petition calls for Muslim festival of Eid to be made a British national holiday.

BRITISH Muslims are urging the Government to make the Islamic festival of Eid a national holiday in the UK.

More than 50,000 people have signed a petition saying that the religious day should be turned into a bank holiday, so that British Muslims do not have to use their annual leave to celebrate it. 

The 51,567 signatories to the government e-petition are also urging Ministers to change the law so that Britons can swap the statutory holiday day they currently have to take for Christmas to Eid instead. 

The government responded saying it “has no plans to create another public holiday, or to vary the existing arrangements”.

Where does it end? I’m sure there are plenty of countries in the World where they accommodate Eid.

Wednesday – hot and sunny.

Balbao fountain

Balbao fountain

Lazy morning cleaning up etc.

After lunch we head down to Carrillo National Monument. Free admission with our NP pass, awesome views over San Diego and the Coronado and some pleasant strolls. Watch an interesting film on the Grey Whale. Wow it travels 4,000 miles a year to feed, have sex and give birth.

Pack in the evening and we’re all ready for the last leg of our grand trip.
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Awesome, watch this blind professional skier.

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Balbao park

Balbao park

Is this some sort of Alice in Wonderland or Kafka joke.

Ed Balls has urged the US president-elect Donald Trump to tune in on a Saturday night and join the millions of viewers watching him take to the ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ dance-floor, saying he “could learn a thing or two – not just about dance, but about what really makes a country great”.
Ed, the former shadow chancellor turned housewives’ choice for his untiring stint on the competition, tells next week’s Radio Times that the show properly reflects our society.

Why would we want anyone to know how mind numbing our Saturday night TV is and what we consider to be good entertainment. Bring back Tutti Fruiti.

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This place is just teeming with psychic and tarot card readers. Is this why the state’s so blue and infested with democrats?

Thursday – hot and sunny.

Thanksgiving at Moby Dicks in Santa Barbara

Thanksgiving at Moby Dicks in Santa Barbara

Happy Thanksgiving America. You can now give thanks that the 18 month pantomime that was your Presidential election is over. Hopefully now is the time to come together and work together. Sadly, like BREXIT, reading the entrails, it’s not looking too favourable.

Santa Barbara sunset.

Santa Barbara sunset.

Set off to Santa Barbara. Involves a drive through Los Angalas, 7 lanes of potential hell, but it turns out that everyone’s tucking into turkey so it’s not too bad.
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Understanding the American Electoral college:

Friday – hot and sunny.

Black Friday – are they really allowed to call it that?

Our new Hertzmobile. I wish.

Our new Hertzmobile. I wish.

Drive up to Atascadero to visit Nat and Paul. They were our first home exchangers, in Sedona, and were responsible for puting us onto the home exchange path. Have a lovely afternoon with them, with a trip in Paul’s 1960’s Cadillac. Can you believe this car, only 37,000 miles on the clock, in mint condition, enough steel in it to keep the American steel industry going for a year, a 8.2 litre engine (just drive down the drive and you need a refill) and roomy enough for 2 families to live in. It’s awesome. They certainly don’t make cars like that anymore. A car from an era of big cars. Have a drive around town and practice my royal wave.

Old Town San Diego

Old Town San Diego

Have afternoon tea and then in the evening it’s dinner. A great time meeting old friends, great food, great company. It’s years since we saw them but we pick up just as if it was yesterday.

I see the Obamas have had their Christmas tree delivered. I’m surprised they’ve got the gonads to call it a Christmas tree. I’d have thought holiday tree would have been their mealy mouthed PC response.

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Computer sayings

Santa Barbara pier

Santa Barbara pier

Database: the information you lose when your memory crashes. ~Dave Barry, Claw Your Way to the Top

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history – with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila. ~Mitch Ratcliffe

Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse? ~Author Unknown

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don’t need to be done. ~Andy Rooney

Don’t anthropomorphize computers – they hate it. ~Author Unknown

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The trouble with the Electoral College:

20161113 – San Diego

Sunday – hot and sunny.

Oceanside pier

Oceanside pier

Thanks to the scrots from our Coronado home exchange we have been let down at the last minute. But all is not lost, thanks to Chris and De-Shaun, we spend 3 nights with them up at San Marcos. Then another home exchanger has stepped into the breach with a two bedroom condo down on Mission Beach.

After 5 years of droughts Californians have come up with a great idea. I'm doing my bit.

After 5 years of droughts Californians have come up with a great idea. I’m doing my bit.

Lazy morning in the hotel after the worst breakfast ever served in the garage of a Comfort Inn. Choice hotels really are loosing the plot. There’s always some sort of screw up with them.

After lunch we drive up to Chris’s lovely new home in San Marco. Get settled in there and meet the dog pack. Wendy wants to take the cute little poodle cross home with here.

In the evening we go out for dinner in the Mall. Good choice on the menu, I even get to have Tappas, which only in America includes pizza. Love the home made Jalepeno sauce. Cant believe the wine prices, why they even make NCL cruise prices look cheap.

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The Truth About Republicans by George Carlin:

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Unbelievable. Even makes American TV look intelligent and intellectual.

Unbelievable. Make American TV look intelligent and intellectual.

And then people ask why we escape so often. Can you credit this is the best Saturday night TV has to offer. Makes being in post Trump America and even American TV seem sane. Thank the FSM we’re out of there, and hopefully my VPN for BBC iPlayer will filter such tripe.

Monday – hot and sunny.

Bubbles on the beach.

Bubbles on the beach.

We both slept like a black bear in hibernation. I think we’ll be trying to sneak this mattress out in our luggage when we leave.

Set off to Carlsbad for a wander around and lunch. Carlsbad village is all very up market and pleasant.

Oceanside pier.

Oceanside pier.

Then drive up to Oceanside. Lovely beach resort. Typical California beach town complete with pier. Full of healthy people enjoying plenty of fresh air, exercise and the beach – no excess adipose tissue blobbies around here. Have a stroll down the pier and afternoon tea at a traditional American diner at the end of the pier, complete with typical American diner waitresses.

Pick up a Mexican takeaway for tea on the way back to Chris’s.

Tuesday – hot and sunny.

Feeding time at the zoo.

Feeding time at the zoo.

Off down to San Diego Safari park for the day – well afternoon. Walk the whole zoo and do the safari tram tour. Neat zoo, I enjoy it but Wendy’s not so impressed, apart from the Gorilla with baby in arms. Knackered by kicking out time.

Having a nap.

Having a nap.

Take away tonight is a Quesiddila and Taco – it is Taco Tuesday after all, half price everywhere. Both were awesome. Taco had like pork kebab in it. Really must start to have Quesidillas at home.

Wednesday – hot and sunny.

Is this bird real?

Is this bird real?

Leisurely day at Chris’s as we can’t get into our home exchange until 16:00. Supermarket and bank for some cash to pay for our Park City stay in February – can’t wait – first snow has fallen today, somewhat belatedly this year.

Drive down to our new home, on Mission Beach, for the next 8 days. It’s clean and comfortable, only 50 yards from the beach. Thanks to Martha for stepping up at such short notice, saved us from Hotels or VRBO.

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Bill Maher Explains the Real Reason Donald Trump is Popular (HBO)

Thursday – hot and sunny.

Torrey Pines but no picnic.

Torrey Pines but no picnic.

Lazy morning with the excitement of a trip to Ralph’s for Wendy and I while away an hour at Starbucks. There’s a crazy geezer sat outside. Can’t tell what sex. Every time someone comes in he begs them, louder than a constipated opera star, for coffee, not money just a coffee. Eventually it gets rewarded for all the excruitiating whining. There really should be a sign saying “don’t feed the wildlife” it only encourages them. Apparently yesterday he was lay down in the middle of a 4 lane road, outside Starbucks, whining and raving for coffee. Is this what happens to you if you drink too much Starbucks.

After lunch we set off down to Torrey Pines State park on our way to Janelle’s for dinner. Drive up the coast. Traffic is like an exodus of arthritic tortoises, nose to arse tail all the way. By the time we arrive at the state park it’s time to leave for dinner so we give it a miss.

What's for lunch?

What’s for lunch?

Drive on up through even worse Interstate traffic to Janelle’s.

California traffic is dire. I’all not rant about traffic at home after this trip. Well, not for at least a week.

Lovely dinner with Janelle and Mike, along with their friends Bob and marilyn who will also be up at PC when we are there, so good to meet them. Good company, great food and an enjoyable evening putting the World to rights. They were all keen Trump supporters. Amazing how similar the problems and views are the World over.

Friday – hot and sunny.

Roller coaster at Mission Beach. Starbucks just across the road.

Roller coaster at Mission Beach. Starbucks just across the road.

2nd attempt to visit Torrey Pines State Park. This time we made it.

A pirate at the entrance robs you of $15 to enter. Nice visitors center and we do a few of the easy walks around the cliffs and woods. All very pleasant, but Wendy’s incensed that after putting down a sizeable deposit on the park, just to enter, she cannot eat her lunch on any of the walks.

What a load of perverts.  Who would pollute even  American nats urine posing as beer - criminal.

What a load of perverts. Who would pollute even American nats urine posing as beer – criminal.

Then we drive down to La Jolla. Have a pleasant stroll around the beach front and then onto the cove for a starbucks and stroll around. With all the birds and seals around the sea caves it stinks worse than a knackers yard on a summers day. Of course there are warnings not to approach the seal but it’s amazing the level of illiteracy or stupidity in this country. One young blobbie, very akin to the seals in the amount of blubber she’s toting around, just can’t resist trying to get a selfie with a lazing seal.

La Jolla is very up market and you couldn’t mistake it for anywhere other than California.

Saturday – hot and sunny.

Have a stroll down Mission beach.

Chris and DeShaun come for lunch.

Chris and DeShaun come for lunch.

Stop for an Italian espresso by the beach. People watching, the healthy lythe young eye candy roller blading, volley balling, cycling, jogging or just walking. Typical California beach life.

Chris and DeShaun come over for lunch.

Then in the evening we catch up on some BBC.

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As I stroll down the beach I’m offered free bottled water and hotdogs. How nice is that. Although how sad is it that I’m suspicious. Perhaps it’s my lack of haircut that makes them think I’m a vagrant or a budding paleo Bob Dylan fan, desperately trying to grow a pony tail to compensate for my bald pate, and in dire need of a good haircut.

Anyway turns out it’s a Christin group just doing the nice thing. No strings attached.

20161105 – Hawaiian Islands On A Floating Gin Palace

Saturday – hot and sunny.

On our Hawaiian cruise.

On our Hawaiian cruise.

Well we’re off on our next great adventure, a 7 day cruise around the Hawaii Islands. As with all cruises there’s wifi available but it so expensive we’d both have to sell both kidneys, 8 pints of blood and a heart to pay for any sensible wifi access. It’s the equivalent of going to the dark side of the moon with a bunch of greedy pirates.

Surfing beach

Surfing beach

Therefore blog will posting will be a tad tardy.

Dropped the car off at the airport, got a shuttle to the port and then joined the usual boarding queue. Being silver members we got expedited registration but it still took 42 minutes of the usual misery.

Ship, boat or whatever they call it – Pride of America – has about 2,000 passengers and layout is quite good. Buffets area is smaller than normal but there are quite a few smaller restaurants around.

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NCL Daily Rant

Sugar plantation

Sugar plantation

We’ve been on two NCL cruises prior to this. After the last one I swore I’d never even look at an NCL cruise ever again never mind even cross the gangplank. But, but this cruise had the ideal itinerary so we girded our loins, got an A4 complaint pad and biro at the ready and stepped aboard.

Opened our stateroom door and the first SNAFU smacked us in the eye. Our unobstructed balcony view was obstructed with two wings either side and a 10 foot overhang. Yes we can see out but we’ll never get to see the sun except for the first 5 minutes after dawn and the last 5 minutes before sunset. We’ll be going home with rickets. Of course picked up the phone and logged my first complaint. They, the NCL corporate pirates don’t consider it to be obstructed. Customer services manager does think the corporate pirates should display a warning. Small claims court here we come.

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Qur’an Gangbang episode 8: The Three Questions

Sunday – hot and sunny.

Inactive volcano

Inactive volcano

Up at the 6 bells for breakfast and to catch our first Wallace Arnold experience with the “Best of Maui” tour. Great they treat my 16 year old mind like that of a 90 year old imbecile with a memory span of a geriatric goldfish – if in doubt repeat it until boredom sets in.

First stop a surf beach to watch them surf.

Second stop a sugar plantation with the usual Disney style trolley tour complete with informative narration on my favourite subject plants!

Third stop an aquarium for lunch and the chance to ogle pretty fish, sharks and coral.

Inactive volcano

Inactive volcano


Our driver is very informative and one of the most amusing guides ever and we get to see a lot of the island.

Back on board our floating gin palace for a lazy afternoon and dinner.

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New Rule: Bible Trumpers | Real Time with Bill Maher (HBO)

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NCL Daily Rant

Our 2nd mediocre meal. Even the so called complimentary dining has $25 chargeable options on some items. Why at those rates it would be as cheap to go to one of the plethora of chargeable speciality, rip off restaurants. Oh and by the way any room service is no longer free, a mere $7.95 a shot. Corporate pirates strike again.

Won’t even comment on the wine prices.

Monday – hot and sunny.

 Speciality restaurant

Speciality restaurant

Up and out for the crater tour. 07:50 departure.

A long drive up to the Haleakala crater which is at 10,000 feet. No longer an active volcano but worth the trip and another National Park hat to add to the collection. Spectacular views.

Afternoon lazing onboard. Wendy toddles off to make a Lei, otherwise known as a shell necklace. I pass up this tempting opportunity. Back in the day only Hawaiian royalty could wear these. Now any old riff raff can buy or make one. If you’re feeling really stupid then you can buy an expensive “Lei shell making kits”. They’re selling faster than toilet rolls at a dysentery outbreak. The average American and her greenbacks are soon parted.

Active volcano

Active volcano

Cruise ship leaves early due to 40 foot waves predicted at our next port, Hilo, so captain, quite wisely, avoids that. Probably because they don’t have enough pewk bags. Tomorrow becomes a sea day rather than Hilo and the volcano National Park. Some passengers are left stranded as they decided to leave early, after we’d departed the ship. Fortunately we were on a ships tour so although our tour was cut short we got back before they high tailed out of there.

The volcano National Park houses one of the few active volcanoes in the world. The highlight of the itinerary. Fortunately I’ve got 3G access on my mobile and manage to book a car for Wednesday and a longer drive down to the volcano. We’d have been devastated to miss it.

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NCL Daily Rant

Lava flow into the sea - at night

Lava flow into the sea – at night

Well another pearler of a day for NCL. Where do I start.

Stair well and corridor stinks like a sewage farm. Apparently according to our steward it happens quite a lot.

Just love the sticky banisters. Is it a deliberate policy so that you get a better grip.

Tickets advise you that tour is not for people who suffer from motion sickness. Too late when you’re queuing for the bus. Of course their web site we booked through doesn’t bother to mention motion sickness.

We’re off the ship for 07:30 to catch our tour. At that time we believe the all aboard time is 17:00. Apparently at about 07:40, after we’ve left, they make an announcement telling everyone departure is 11:30. But as we’ve left we’re not aware of it. Fortunately we’re on a ships tour, it’s cut short and we’re back on time. But imagine if we’d done our own thing then we’d have been overjoyed when we got back to port to find our floating gin palace had disappeared or sunk. What a cock up.

Food is pretty poor. Service is slow and appalling. Lots of plates sent back untouched. The lamb would make good shoe leather or vibram sole replacements. Everyone on our tables complaining. Management comes along with their little notepad to make a note and give everyone the feeling that someone cares and will do something about it. Don’t hold your breath on that one.

Tuesday – hot and sunny.

Lava tube

Lava tube

40 foot waves down the East coast of Maui so Hilo and the volcano’s off the menu and we have a sea day.

Well at least we get a lie in. No crack of dawn tours.

Lazy sort of day. As usual most of the activities seem to be aimed at geriatric bingo brigade and paleo bargin huntresses. You can learn how to wrap a sarong, Hulu dance, weave a hat from palm leaves, play endless trivia or how to fold towels into animals. Haven’t come across any talks on colonic irrigation yet. The only morsel of intellectual stimulation is a Hum-back Whale talk.

As a result of our complaining about an obstructed view they’ve tried to compensate us with 4 free speciality restaurant meals each – about $30 a meal. So now we have to eat at a speciality restaurant every night. Tough life.

Active volcano crater

Active volcano crater

Start off in Cagney Steak house – lobster bisque and a tea bone. Lobster bisque gives me a touch of the squitters. Really think I need to avoid shell fish. Love crab cakes but they certainly don’t love me.

Cruise by the bottom of the volcano to get a glimpse of the red hot lava flowing into the sea. Sadly it’s a good distance to the shore – no risk of a Greek tragedy with this crew – so it’s nothing but a red glimmer in the distance. Then dash back in to watch the rest of the election programmed. Finally go to sleep when they’ve called it for Trump. Shock and awe. Tomorrow there’ll be a lot of long sad faces on the ultra smug democrats who “knew” that Clinton was obviously going to win. Best not speak to any Americans for a few days.

We live in interesting times. All the pundits and poles got it wrong. Lots of similarities to the BREXIT result.

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NCL Daily Rant

Hang on it’s raining in our stateroom. Yes, in the middle of the night I get a drip from our overhead air con unit. Just another feature of a NCL experience.

Wednesday – hot and sunny.

Lava tube entrance

Lava tube entrance

We had nothing booked today so I went through web hell to book the cheapest herzt mobile I could find for a trip down to the volcano. It’s a 2 hour drive but I was dammed if I was going to miss the highlight of the cruise.

Lava

Lava

Pick up my hertz mobile. Breathe a sigh of relieve as it’s not a fiat 500 but instead a Chrysler 300, very spacious very comfortable. We share the cost of the trip with Lynell from Australia.

Pleasant drive down. Visit visitors centre, buy yet another hat for my collection, and get to see lava in the cauldera, how awesome is that. Drive around the various craters and the volcanic landscape. Walk down a lava tube. What an awesome day. Not only do we get a personalised tour with stop offs where we choose, rather than a couple of stop offs with the bus tour, but we also save £250 in the process. So yesterday’s disaster turns into a real plus.

Real hot lava

Real hot lava

Get back in plenty of time to board. A well planned and well executed trip – moral again is better to do your own thing.

A fantastic day and then in the evening we get another freebe to the Italian speciality restaurant. Followed by the ??? show, which Wendy really enjoys and I manage to snooze through. Mind you a bottle of merlot did help.

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Overtime with Bill Maher: Trump Press, Civil Rights (HBO)

Thursday – hot and sunny.

Waimea canyon waterfall

Waimea canyon waterfall

I do the helicopter tour around Kauai. Wendy passes.

Well it cost an arm, a leg and a kidney, but I’m always reluctant to say this, it was worth every cent. What a fantastic island this is the Waimea Canyon and the Napali coast are unbelievable. Get a pilots front row seat, manage to retain my breakfast and nearly overflow a memory card with awesome pictures. It’ll take a month to cull and edit them.

Helicopter trip

Helicopter trip

Then in the afternoon we catch the free shuttle into the Mall. Well the less said about that the better.

At least it looks like we’ve got a home exchange in San Diego to replace the one a scrot has welshed on.

In the evening we do the Teppanyaki meal in a Japanese restaurant. All very entertaining but all those veggies before we get to some decent meat is just too much for a carnivore.

Friday – hot and sunny.

Waimea canyon

Waimea canyon

Up early for Waimea Canyon tour. I’d already seen it from the helicopter but the tour was well worth it for Wendy and we both enjoyed it. Stopped off at a market – could have passed on that; then the canyon; coffee farm with lots of free samples; then a blowhole. Thankfully no coconut husking demo. Great narration from our tour guide. Excellent and well worth it. Must be loosing my grip, that’s twice I’ve said that this week.

Napali coast

Napali coast

Back to the ship for lunch then lazy afternoon as we set sail for Honolulu. Pass on the invite from the captain to a select sail away party.
Sounds like he’s a bit of a Billy no mates, always wanting us to be his friend.

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NCL Daily Rant

Napali coast from the ship

Napali coast from the ship

It seems like our complaint about Monday evenings slow service and lamb that would make good vibram soles has resulted in yet another bribe. This time a free bottle of wine. So I suppose that means I’ll have to suffer a whole bottle of wine tonight and finish off my remaining Malbec in the afternoon – do they not realise they are making me sin!

Oh and because of the noise from above, no I’ve not suddenly had messages from allah, they’ve credited our account with $200.

NCL seems to have a new approach to customer service. They’ve obviously recognised they’re a total screw up and hope that freebies will bribe you tonkeep you on side. Well the freebies have been very nice but I’d rather things be right. There’s really no pleasure in having to use a megaphone from my virtual surf board on the wave of life to constantly do a Victor and complain.

Wendy in her natural habitat.

Wendy in her natural habitat.

Saturday – hot and sunny.

Honolulu airport lounge

Honolulu airport lounge

Joy for the first time ever we get to walk off a floating gin palace with on immigration or other delays.

Then to spoil the jubilation we meet the two clueless screw ups who are trying to organise our Speedishuttle back to the airport. It’s total chaos. So much for a shuttle every 20 minutes, it takes 45 minutes in the gruelling sun and a near riot from the massed passenger revolt to get on a shuttle. My fault I should have used Uber instead of these jokers.

Finally get to the airport. Survive the rude Hawaiian airlines check in staff and fortunately we’re TSA pre-checked.

Then we’ve 5 hours in the worst airport lounge ever. No food, no alcohol and to top it all they close for 30 minutes for lunch. Customer service, what’s that? Are all the Japanese mentally retarded or is their inscrutable gormless look just a way of deflecting complaints?

This airport must be the most expensive on the planet. A burger from burger king is over $10.

Ryanair are really missing a trick. Why not do what Hawaiian Airlines do, turn the temperature down so that it’s colder than a witches tit and then sell blankets. Another example of Hawaiian excellence in customer service.

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I think I’ve come across a new religion here in Honolulu. As we all know women from the religion of pieces and permanent offence perambulate around in black bin liners with a post box slit in it, like a dalek without a probiscous; sheikhs wear a turban; mormons wear magic underwear; christians tend to dangle a cross from their necks, probably to ward off evil spirits.

So what is this religion that wears white surgical masks? They’re here in hoards. Looks like they’ve just escaped from surgery. They’re always Chinese, so perhaps it some obscure Chinese religion or just a germaphobia. Having a drink with one on is easy, just pierce a hole for a straw, but a meal, now there’s a challenge.

20161101 – Hanauma Bay; Diamond Head

Tuesday – hot and sunny.

Beach day.

Beach day.

Lazy do nothing day.

Drive down to Kapolei for a decent supermarket. Do our last shop and then back down the Farrington Highway.

Hanauma Bay

Hanauma Bay

Don’t you just love how the marketing machine of the mighty dollar cholesterol cathedrals panders to the blobbies. Never more so than with Baskin Robbins and their latest perversion Turkey ice cream pie. Ready for thanksgiving no doubt.

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I give up this week. The drive down the Farrington Highway is enough to make anyone burn their surfboard of life. Makes me feel like a Dalek whose plan to conquer the world was frustrated by a staircase.

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Traffic jokes:

Mother superior and sister Margaret are in their car in Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
“Hey, show us your chest, ye bloody penguins!” shouts one of the drunks.
The Mother Superior turns to Sister Margaret, “I don’t think they know who we are. Show them your cross.”
So Sister Mary Margaret rolls down her window and shouts, “Screw off ye little fookin’ wankers, before I come over there and rip yer nuts off!”
Sister Mary Margaret looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, “Was that cross enough?!”

Q.What did the traffic light say when it stayed on red? A.”You would be red too if you had to change in front of everyone!”

Traffic lights on my road have broken. No change there.

Biggest cause of road rage? Cross roads.

Was never any good at hitch hiking. I went early to avoid the traffic.

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I was sitting at a traffic light yesterday, minding my own business patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic. A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting Anti-American Slogans, with a half-burned American flag duct-taped on the side of their car and a “Remember 9-11″ slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.

Suddenly they yelled, ” Allahu Akbar!, Allahu Akbar!, ” and took off before the lights changed.

Out of nowhere, an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
For several minutes I sat in my car stunned, thinking to myself, “man…that could have been me!”

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

Wednesday – hot and sunny.

Hanauma Bay

Hanauma Bay

Off down to Hanauma Bay for some beach time and snorkelling. It’s a nature reserve. All very pleasant and very safe snorkelling. I’ve only got my mask and snorkel, no fins, but I cope. Manage to see some pretty fish and the odd bit of coral.

We can only manage an hour lazing in the sun before we have to escape. Sunning ourselves on the beach really isn’t our thing.

Then it’s more pantomime time from Fox, MSNBC and CNN. Fox may be crazy but at least they have a nice piece of eye candy in Megan Kelly and they make it more interesting and entertaining than that rabid bitch on MSNBC. They’re all so bias that they’d make the Klu Klux Klan look like black baptists by comparison.
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Who are these numpties who drive the Farrington Highway every day. 12 miles with 30 sets of traffic light. 12 mile of shear hell and frustration every day.

Posing for a Bond movie.

Posing for a Bond movie.

They have a contra-flow system inflicted on everyone every afternoon, 3 lanes then crammed down to 2 and 2 lanes crammed down to 1. Net result chaos and no net benefit.

Solution is simple:

1 Get rid of the contra-flow.

2 Get rid of at least half of the traffic lights, they are the major cause of the gridlock.

3 Of the remaining traffic lights double the time interval between activation from side roads and halve the time they allow side roads to flow.

4 Sack the stupid politicians who are responsible for this lack of even a skerrick of common sense.

My only conclusion is that these daily commuters must be retards to put up with it.

Thursday – hot and sunny.

Mark & Spencers Hawaii style.

Mark & Spencers Hawaii style.

Drive down to do a plantation tour. So well hidden you only find it if you have eyes in the back of your head. Not very busy and when you look around at the desolation you can understand why. Pass, not going to spend $13 each to have a tour around someone’s allotment.

Abandon plans and return back down the highway from hell for a lazy afternoon.

Friday – hot and sunny.

View from Diamond Head.

View from Diamond Head.

Head off to downtown Honolulu. I drop Wendy off at the Ala Moana shopping mall where she’s going to take our credit cards for a leisurely stroll around the 7th largest mall and largest outdoor mall in America. Hopefully they’ll not get to see daylight.

Meanwhile I drive down to the Diamond head state park for an ascent up Diamond head. The suns blistering hot and it’s 83 F. Of course in true English fashion it’s mad dogs time. Anyway make it, all 600 feet to the top and end up wetter than a water hogs backside. Stunning views and quite a pleasant walk, certainly does my twice broken femur good. Quite pleased takes just 32 minutes up and 20 minutes back down. I use a young couple as my pace makers. They reckon to allow 1.5 to 2 hours.

Diamond Head view.

Diamond Head view.

Back to the mall to pick Wendy up. And by way of a change we nip into Starbucks. Wendy meanwhile treats herself to a lavish ice cream – $7 – she’s really getting into this frittering the kids inheritance away.

Call in at the Apple Store. How could I resist it, they’ve none of the new MacBook Pro’s with touch bar on display or available.

Then it’s back to the pantomime, beer, wine and pack ready for our next adventure. Best of all a whole week of no driving.

You know what the problem is with American politics and the media? They can’t tie a tie properly. Most of them have a tie that so skewed to one side it looks like a drunk Lowry stick man. It’s not difficult to tie a decent knot but these numpties haven’t a clue. No doubt they have trouble tying their shoelaces too. Sure sign of lying sleaze balls.

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View from our home exchange.

View from our home exchange.

My final challenge for our Honolulu visit is to find something nice to say about the Farrington Highway – our daily nightmare from hell for the past 2 weeks.

The beaches and sea along the highway are quite spectacular and not crowded.

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More Traffic Jokes:

A turtle I didn't see.

A turtle I didn’t see.

I could tell the traffic was bad when my Sat Nav said “Are we nearly there yet?”

Tried driving in Cairo once, it was chaos. Noise everywhere. Full of tooting car men.

Traffic jam caused by a lorry load of terrapins hitting a lorry load of tortoises.  Turtle chaos.

A lorry load of pepper mills has crashed.  Traffic has ground to a halt.

Went to the National Traffic Wardens’ Association dinner last night.  It was an all ticket event.

Got a new job as a traffic warden, and started basic training.  Thought to myself, “that’s just the ticket.”

20161028 – Luau; North Shore Drive; Polynesian Culture Centre

Friday – hot and sunny.

Wendy tries hat making.

Wendy tries hat making.

Lazy day and then in the evening we go to the Paradise Cove Luau. All traditional Hawaiian food and entertainment. It’s the sort of touristy thing you are obliged to do before they’ll let you leave the island. Food was good, never easy mass catering, but they had a good choice and not massive queues.

Luau

Luau

Entertainment consisted of traditional games; demos of all those useful skills needed in Blackburn such as how to tie a towel around you, net fishing, climb a coconut tree and open a coconut; music and dancing girls – amazing they managed to find so many slim natives, the thought of your average Hawaiian Walrus gyrating and shaking their adipose tissue in a grass skirt is enough to send anyone into catatonic shock.

A good evening.

Catch the late evening pantomine. New bombshell as it turns out the FBI are again looking into Clintons email. Apart from that nothing new, the same old. Although I fell off my surfboard of life due to uncontrolled laughter when I heard the Fox News slogan “Fair and balanced coverage”.

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Good BREXIT news

Luau

Luau

Whilst we are suffering personally as a result of the weaker pound, a small price to pay for regaining sovereignty, control of our borders and escape fro that tyranny, at least manufacturing’s benefitting.

The UK’s manufacturing sector continued to expand at a robust pace in October as the weaker pound boosted exports, a closely watched survey has revealed.

The purchasing managers’ index, which is considered one of the best indicators of the health of the sector, had a reading of 54.3 last month, down slightly from September’s revised reading of 55.5, but still above its long-term average of 51.5.

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Monologue: The Great White Grope | Real Time with Bill Maher (HBO)

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Hawaiian flag. I bet the Americans love it.

Hawaiian flag. I bet the Americans love it.

Hawaii was once an independent kingdom. (1810 – 1893) The flag was designed at the request of King Kamehameha I. It has eight stripes of white, red and blue that represent the eight main islands. The flag of Great Britain is emblazoned in the upper left corner to honor Hawaii’s friendship with the British.

Now they’ve been subsumed into America and have a choice of either a clown or a criminal for President.

Saturday – hot and sunny.

Hawaiian bowling.

Hawaiian bowling.

There’s some rain forecast so we decide to have a drive around the North shore.

Call in at the Dole plantation where we’re treated to a demonstration on how to fillet a pineapple.

This side of the island is not quite as poor as our neck of the woods. Some lovely beaches. Waimea Bay is gorgeous and World renowned for great surf, up to 30 foot waves. Just our luck today the best rip curl we saw was about 3 inches.

Had another one of our lavish lunches amidst the peacocks at Waimea Valley. We were going to splash out and have a hike to the waterfall but rain scared us off.

I don't think so. I'll stick with IBM white.

I don’t think so. I’ll stick with IBM white.

Called in at a lovely Temple – see photos – only to discover, as we guessed, it was a Mormon Temple out here amongst all these pagans.

Came across a Budhist Temple so to maintain balance we kicked our trainers off and wore out a pair of sock – respect. Again very beautiful and tranquil with a backdrop of the heavily foliated serrated green mountain valleys. Have a go at Budhist bell ringing and pleased to see that the Zen garden had been raked by a masteraker (not a predictive text masterbater).

Buddhist temple.

Buddhist temple.

The act of raking the gravel into a pattern recalling waves or rippling water has an aesthetic function. Zen priests practice this raking also to help them focus their concentration. Achieving perfection of lines is not easy. It can take up to 10 years to become a masteraker.

Back home in time for the ongoing pantomime, a thirst quenching Pilsner Urquell and a California red. Well it now seems that Clintons the focus of scandal as the FBI rake up the email saga again and start to scour 65,000 emails for more evidence of wrong doing. The press have now turned like a pack of wolves on an injured Bambi. They smell blood. It was all becoming too calm and settled as Clinton coasted to victory, but now they’ve the opportunity to stir the pot and create more mayhem. What a pantomine, two diabolical villains as the only candidates and the press raking up the mud at every opportunity. You’d think that anyone with a skerrick of dignity and pride, with their track records, would just do the honourable thing and impale themselves on a sharpened toilet brush.

A master raker.

A master raker.

Trump is irresponsible. Clinton is dishonest. Trump is reckless. Clinton is untrustworthy. Trump is undisciplined. Clinton is unethical.
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Rings my bell.

Rings my bell.

Had a lovely chat with a young Mormon missionary in the Mormon visitor centre. What a credit she was to the Mormon religion – as this is in the positive wave of life section I’ll resist making ANY comments on that other religion beginning with “M”. Answered all of our probing questions calmly and without batting an eyelid. Always impressed by them and their unwavering faith, even though I think it’s just a lavish fairy tale.

They seem a harmless bunch. Like Chritianity, if they could just take the god out of their religion and stick with the good Christian ethos it would be awesome.

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Couldn’t mention it above from my Wave of Life surfboard but I’ve a solution to the violence of the religion of pieces and permanent offence. Convert their fundamentalists to become Mormon. The World would be such a better place.

Sunday – hot and sunny.

With some Polynesians.

With some Polynesians.

Decide to do the South East Shore drive.

Diamond head.

Diamond head.

Sulphur, I smell sulphur every time we drive down the Farrington Highway. Does this mean there’s a volcano about to erupt? Well if so at least it’ll do some good by destroying this accursed Farrington Highway.

Park up at the Kapiolani Park with a superb backdrop of Diamond Head. Walk along the beach to Waikiki beach for lunch. Happen to stumble upon a Starbucks. Not difficult here as there are more of them than ABC stores. Waikiki beach is buzzing and yes it’s very busy but we do find it quite alluring.

Stroll back through the park. There’s a free brass band concert on, sadly we don’t have time for it, and we watch a bit of Lacrosse, which seems very popular.

Blowhole

Blowhole

Drive past Hanauma Beach, we’ll save that for a full day, then onto to the Blowhole. Stop off for various stunning photo opportunities along the way, culminating in the Pali Lookut. Pity it wasn’t a blue sky day but awesome views and a wind strong enough to blow the wax out of your ears.

The Pali Lookout is a site of deep historical significance. Named “Pali” meaning ‘cliff’ in Hawaiian, the Pali Lookout is the site of the Battle of Nuuanu, where in 1795 King Kamehameha 1st won the struggle that finally united Oahu under his rule. This fierce battle claimed hundreds of soldiers’ lives, many of which were forced off of the Pali’s sheer cliffs.

Laniki beach.

Laniki beach.

Visit Laniki beach. Judging by the amount of broken glass in car parks and the SUV with a broken rear window I would guess there’s a high crime rate around here. Not surprised with the number of dossers lingering around. Some of their encampments are mini Calais Jungles. One thing there doesn’t seem to be is any perambulating black bin liners, oh how we miss multi-cultural Blacburn.

Note that the Pali Lookout is also known for its strong and howling winds. You’ll understand why the Nuuanu Pali Lookout is one of Oahu’s best scenic points when you feel the wind push up against you, hear the winds whistle through the mountains and see the breathtaking views of Oahu’s lush Windward Coast.

Then it head back home. For once the Farrington Highway not a nose to exhaust tortoise crawl, but the traffic lights still do a great job of making the journey a nightmare.

Pali lookout in days gone by.

Pali lookout in days gone by.

A long day with a lot of quite enjoyable driving. We got to see a lot of the Island again and have now covered all the major roads.

Amazing difference between the East (windward side – rainy and cloudy) side and the West (leeward side – drier, sunnier and poorer) side of the island and yet they’re only about 40 Miles across. I suppose it’s the mountains on the East side that create the clouds and moisture as the wind blows in from the Pacific laden with all that moisture. Geography lesson over.

In the evening we watch the first episode of the remake of “Hawaii 5 O”.
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Well it seems that the smarmy criminal from the Washington swamp in the presidential pantomime is now getting some come up pence as the wolves of the press pack turn on her. How given her email server scandal, the Clinton foundation scandal and the cash for acces scandal it amazes me that anyone would even trouble to get out of bed and vote for her.

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Campaign Jokes

imageSeth Meyers “A Fox News national poll found that people prefer Hillary Clinton to Donald Trump by 10 points. While an MSNBC poll found that Hillary Clinton has already been president for two years.”

Seth Meyers “A new government report reveals that Hillary Clinton ignored the State Department rules about cybersecurity. The report states that Hillary’s recklessness, arrogance, and defiance could get her the Republican presidential nomination.”

Native Americans Hillary Clinton was addressing a group of American Indians in New York telling them all she did as senator and all she plans to do for them as President. At the end of the meeting the chief gave her a plaque with her honorary indian name, Walking Eagle. After she left someone asked the chief if there is any meaning to that name. He said “A walking Eagle is a bird that is so full of crap, it can not fly.”

Monday – hot and sunny.

Wendy tries a body Hula.

Wendy tries a body Hula.

Up and out for 11:00 as we head over to the far side of the island to visit the Polynesian Culture Centre. Run by the Mormons, which I found quite surprising that they should be promoting these pagans. But, hey ho another day another dollar. It’s actually run as a non-profit organization and helps the 1,000’s of students, by providing part time work, fund their way through the Brigham Young University.

From New Zealand we have Haka.

From New Zealand we have Haka.

A great day out. The place is a mini Disney with villages of all the Polynesian Island culture. Each village has typical housing, events portraying village life and a show celebrating the songs, dance and culture of that village. Pleasant canoe ride through the villages and awesome film on the Hawaiian Islands. You really need a full day here. We only had 5 hours and it was a rush to cram it all in.

The Luau looks great and was only an extra $20 just a pity that we would have been back so late.

More dancing.

More dancing.

Having had a great day out we have to pay the price as we drive back through the dark. Not too bad until we hit the hell of H1. 7 O’clock, 7 lanes, 7″ apart nose to bumper. How do people cope with this every day. Here they are in an Island paradise and yet they have this to cope with every day of the week, morning and night. Perhaps the dossers living in their tents with their surfboards really have the right idea!

Late back so it’s a subway for dinner.
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No we don't want any insurance,.

No we don’t want any insurance,.

Today’s good deed involved the Geeko that had taken up residence on our windscreen as we drove off. I think he was trying to sell us car insurance (in USA geiko advertise with a little green Geiko). To save him we stopped the car and scraped him off onto the road and the little bugger then runs straight into the path of an oncoming car – fortunately just dodges that bullet.

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Pat Condell again on Children of a stupid God:

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Obligate carnivores

Like the hat.

Like the hat.

I’ve decide to form a new religion. Well more an offshoot of the Religion of The Flying Spaghetti Monster. We’ll be known as Obligate Carnivores Chapter of Religion of The Flying Spaghetti Monster. We follow all the tennents of the Flying Spaghetti Monster but in addition as Obligate Carnivores will only eat meat. Like the household cat we’ll be “true” carnivores depending on the nutrients found only in animal flesh for our survival. We may consume small amounts of plant material, not forgetting spaghetti of course, and can eat vegetation specifically as an emetic.

Don't try this at home.

Don’t try this at home.

Why should vegetarians get all the special treatment and special meals. We’ll be vigorously campaigning for Obligate Carnivore menu options and root out all prejudice against us. A petition to the Unitied Nations will be presented to require an Obligate Carnivore (OC) menu to be a fundamental human right. Vegetarians will be expected to cease their discrimination against us and ensure that a suitable animal flesh – blood on the plate – option is made available. Veggies who don’t provide an OC option will be pilloried outside the local butchers for a week with only meat options from MacDonalds, KFC and Taco Bell to eat. Food manufacturers will be expected to provide OC options.