Tony & Wendy's Travel Blog

Monday – warmish, sun and cloud.

Parrots are on the balcony squawking for their breakfast. At home we get hoards of boring Starlings squabbling over their food, here it’s the same only they’re beautiful parrots. They have a special porridge like mix with water, but they prefer fruit juice. I think I’ll buy some mix for home and then we’ll get parrots!

Parents were talking about explaining the birds and the bees on Oz radio. One 6 year old rugrat came home and said to his Mum “My mate told me how you make babies. I can’t believe you’ve done that with Dad 4 times (he had 3 siblings), how revolting”. Mum replies “Don’t forget we have twins”. Rugrat says “OK so you did it twice and once for a long time! It’s still revolting”.

Have you ever noticed how all garages position their tills such that you need a pair of hiking boots to get to them. It’s never near the door, but where you have to pass loads of merchandise. A cynical person – which is not in my nature – might say this is yet another example of the marketing ?? exploiting the customers rather 
than treating them with respect and minimising the inconvenience.

Lazy day around the house and then a trip into the Mall, need a portable speaker (someone left our other one in a hotel). The Malls lovely, as Malls go, but to top it all I nearly have an orgasm when I see there’s an Apple store. Temptation!

Afternoon tea around the pool just watching all the birds in the Bush. This place is right on the edge of the Bush, another awesome place.

More non PC Ozzie jokes:

What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? About twenty to thirty kilos!

Why do women stop menstruating in their fifties? ‘Cos they need the blood for their varicose veins!

How do you know your wife’s dead? Sex is the same but the dishes pile up high in the kitchen!

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%.. – It’s called a Wedding Cake.

Why do women fake orgasms ? – Because they think men care.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? – Made her chain too long

Why do women have smaller feet than men? – It’s one of those ‘evolutionary things’ that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? – Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Saturday – hot and sunny to start but gets cloudy later on.

After a lavish breakfast of Toblerone croissant and cake we set off for the short dive down to Port Macquarie. Arrive before lunch, so find a hotel and then have a lovely walk around the harbour and of course into the town shops – joy there’s an arcade. Very pleasant place with a great skate board park for the kids.

As usual beaches are lovely and full of surfers.

Hotel’s very swish, complete with balcony and great views. Pity the weather is a bit cloudy.

Here we go again, more lunacy:

“Students from the University of Reading Atheist, Humanist, and Secularist Society (RAHS) were forced to leave the Freshers’ Fayre this week after they labelled a pineapple Mohammed and put it on their stall.

Staff from the Reading University Student Union (RUSU), as well as a number of Muslim students objected and asked the society to remove it, with a statement from the society stating that they were told Either the pineapple goes, or you do .

Tim Rouse of the Atheist, Humanist & Secularist Society, issued the following statement on Facebook:

Among the material displayed on our stall was a pineapple. We labelled this pineapple Mohammed , to encourage discussion about blasphemy, religion, and liberty, as well as to celebrate the fact that we live in a country in which free speech is protected, and where it is lawful to call a pineapple by whatever name one chooses”.

What is happening to free speech. The Dhimi’s are just giving it away. One day we’ll wake up and find it gone and we’re being stoned for some supposed blasphemy. I’m getting just sick of hearing the tantrums, violence, threats and savagery. Why don’t all these religious freaks – no matter what persuasion – just go and do religousy pleasant things. 

Anyway in the name of free speech, and as a feeble gesture against all this crap, I’m going to name at least one thing in my house Mohammed and just to show there’s no bias I’ll probably name some other inanimate object as other religious leaders. I know it will not change anything but hey ho, it’ll make me feel better! I must say the dustbin and doormat are strong contenders. Suggestions are welcomed.

Now for some Ozzie humour:

Bruce comes home from the pub and sees Sheila watching Gordon Ramsay’s F%*#ing cooking show on the telly.
Bruce says; “What are you watching that shit for? You can’t cook to save your life!.”
To which Sheila replies; “So what? You watch porn movies, don’t you?”

Sheila walked into the kitchen to find Bruce stalking around with a fly swatter.
“What are you doing?” She asked.
“Hunting Flies” He responded.
“Oh. Killing any?” She asked.
“Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. “How can you tell them apart?”
He responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.” 

Do the Terrorist Test here:

YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF…”
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon “unclean.”
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can’t think of anyone you HAVEN’T declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You’ve often uttered the phrase, “I love what you’ve done with your cave.”
10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
12. You have a crush on your neighbor’s goat.

Sunday – sunny, warm and very windy.

Lost an hour last night as clocks spring forward.

Pleasant breakfast with stunning views then have a walk around the headland to watch the early morning servers. Then it’s tea on the balcony whilst we read the papers – newspapers there’s a rare luxury. Watch the surfers and early morning exercise freaks from the balcony – this is plenty of exercise for me.

Here’s a test to weed out Muslim terrorists who would not be able to control themselves. It will probably be more effective than the millions the government spent on anti-terrorist measures and fridge magnets. If nothing else it will provide some pleasant eye candy entertainment – one hopes.

As we all know, the Taliban considers it a sin for a man to see a naked woman who is not his wife. So, this Saturday at 2:00 PM Eastern time all Australian women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighbourhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Taliban, demonstrate that they think it’s okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all Australian women.

And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment. The Australian Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity. God bless Australia!

Drive down to Sydney. Good dual carriageway most of the way. Takes about 4.5 hours to do the 250 miles.

Arrive at our VRBO Rental place. Very nice and comfortable complete with its own pool and barbecue area. It’s in the suburbs of Sydney but right out in the bush. Greeted by the owners and have a pleasant beer and chat around the pool.

Then it’s a trip to the supermarket to get stocked up for the week – joy. Driving around the suburbs is a nightmare. Dread to think what central Sydney must be like.

A few more Oz jokes, this time, its the men who take the abuse.

Men are like … Laxatives …They irritate the crap out of you.Men are like … Bananas … The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like … Vacations … They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like … Weather … Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like … Blenders … You need One, but you’re not quite sure why.
Men are like … Chocolate Bars … Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like … Coffee … The best ones are rich, warm, & can keep you up all night long.
Men are like … Commercials … You can’t believe a word they say.
Men are like … Department Stores … Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
Men are like … Government Bonds … They take soooooooo long to mature.
Men are like … Mascara … They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like … Popcorn … They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like … Lava Lamps … Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like … Parking Spots … All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
Men are like … Snowstorms … You never know when they’re coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last.

Finally what a classic:

What is the definition of a Wife? An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.

Meanwhile a victory for common sense and free speech in “the land of the free”:

WASHINGTON — A federal judge says the D.C. transit system must allow a pro-Israel ad that equates Muslim radicals with savages.

U.S. District Judge Rosemary Collyer said in a one-page opinion Friday that the advertisement must be displayed no later than 5 p.m. on Monday.

The American Freedom Defense Initiative sued last month for the right to display the ads in the Metro system. Metro officials had delayed putting up the ads because of the violent reaction in the Middle East to the video the “Innocence of Muslims,” which denigrated the prophet Muhammad.

Metro spokesman Dan Stessel says the system will comply with the order and the ads will go up this weekend.

Similar ads were expected to be added Monday along the New York City subway system.

 Don’t you just love this video, he’s nearly as good as Pat Condell:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sI-TNg4YH-Q&feature=related

Friday – hot and sunny 33C.

Breakfast at McDonalds. Hearty Breakfast McMuffin was delicious. A cholesterol special all on a cob (muffin). Age profile of the clientele was interesting, average age must have been 55. Not at all what I expected but mainly having a breakfast.

3 hour drive down the pacific highway to Coffs Harbour. Another lovely coastal town with one of the oldest harbours on the East coast. Not quite as touristy as Byron Bay but the usual surf beaches and beach life. Thankfully not a single thongs or bikini shop.

Arrive at lunch time so we have the whole afternoon to explore. Have a great 3 hour walk around the old harbour and the two main surf beaches. This drive in the morning, arrive at lunch and explore in the afternoon is a much more enjoyable way of travelling and exploring.

Another lovely motel, Best Western this time with very pleasant receptionist. Not the usual aggressive Sheila who studied at the Ozzie school of charm
and culture. Motel has an African restaurant with some unusual dishes too tempting to miss so we splash out. I  try have the Kitfo (raw beef with spices) followed by the slow roasted Goat with jalapeno (level 4 on the heat scale) with a fennel and peanut puree; Uyoga mushrooms sautéed in Nitter Kebbah; Miele (not the dishwasher) mash and Polenta. Being a wimp I passed on the Habanero  + Naga Jolokia (level 6) described as insane heat.

There was a level 7 heat dish consisting of Capsaicin a pure chemical extract of the heat from chilli, but apparently it is so hot it has been declared illegal in Oz. Scores 16,000,000 on the Scoville scale for heat measurement – Jalapeño score 8,000. Scientific studies even show it can cure Prostrate cancer.

Wendy had the Char grilled Turkish bread with Nitter Kabbah and African butter as a starter. So much more tasty than garlic bread. Must get the recipe it’s absolutely gorgeous.For main she had something like chicken and chips.

I tried a tasty Tasmanian lager and then to be a real Ozzie had a VB – Proudly Australian. A unique and very spicy meal. If I wake up dead I blame it on the VB.

Two blokes bump into each other in the supermarket. Sorry mate, says the first one, I am a bit nervous, I lost my wife, can’t find her anywhere. Second bloke replies; gee, I can’t find mine either, how about we go and look for them together? Sure, says the first one, what does you wife look like? Eh well, she’s blonde, long hair, tall slim body, well tanned, large breasts and she’s wearing a tight fitting low cut black dress. What does your wife look like? Forget about my wife, says the other bloke, let’s go and look for yours!

Sad sign! Makes for boring beaches.

Oh dear is this a major threat to the Ozzie economy? Thongs — known as flip-flops in America — can be responsible for health problems such as tendonitis plus general knee, hip and back pain, according to a study from the American College of Sports Medicine.

What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? An Australian man will actually search for a golf ball.

Wednesday – Sunny and warm.

It’s our last day here. Up early to clean the house etc. drive down to Coolangatta to pick up the Hertz – nice Ford Focus auto and yes it does have cruise control. Pick Pam up and take her out to lunch at the Burleigh Head Surf Club. Great views right on the beach. Call in to say goodbye to Peter and drop off some Avo’s – if you don’t know what they are see my guide to Oz language. Then it’s home for a leisurely last night.

The Oz language seems to be follow some simple guidelines:

• If you can abbreviate to to 3 or 4 letters.
• If in doubt add “i.e.” or “y” at the end.

Simple.

Excerpt from a speech Steve Jobs – y’know the Apple geezer – gave in 1983:

“Apple’s strategy is really simple. What we want to do is we want to put an incredibly great computer in a book that you can carry around with you and learn how to use in 20 minutes. That’s what we want to do and we want to do it this decade,” says Jobs. “And we really want to do it with a radio link in it so you don’t have to hook up to anything and you’re in communication with all of these larger databases and other computers”.

Then to quote a luddite boss of mine “then along came the iPad”. That speech was almost 30 years ago – what vision.

Now here’s a new twist:

“Ahmed Abdallah, a Muslim television preacher in Egypt, has been charged with blasphemy against Christianity. Abdallah was videotaped tearing up and burning a Bible in a protest in Cairo earlier this month.

Abdallah told Al Jazeera that he’d do it again if Bibles were not so expensive”.

Thursday – hot and sunny.

Up early ready for the trek down to Sydney. What a great home exchange we’ve had. Dropped really lucky. Fantastic home and great unspoilt location in midst of so many National Parks. We’ll really miss the early morning bird calls, especially the Cukaboroo; breakfast on the deck looking out over the forest and the Gold Coast. Seeing Pam again and meeting and eating with her friends made it great stay.

Really civilised on the roads here. They have “Driver Reviver Stations”  where you can Stop, Revive, Survive. Free coffee – how very civilised.

Only going as far as Byron Bay today so we drive around the Tweed Coast. Really nice small towns. If ever we came back would be a lovely quiet place to stay.

Road into Byron bay is a nightmare. 20 minutes traffic jam the place looks very busy – is this a big mistake? Find a trendy up market Motel on the outskirts, reasonably priced, and have a walk down to the beach. All very pleasant. Great example of beach life. Have a walk along the lovely front and back down the beach. Wendy chickens out at walking up to the light house – too far.

Stop off on the corner cafe for coffee and some people watching. A lovely way to pass away the afternoon. Then it’s a wander around the shops – joy. Wendy gets really excited when she sees a Aldi.

Lets consider Oz’s sartorial trends. These seem to consist of half the male population wearing bright yellow high vis shirts; thongs everywhere; Sheila’s in skimpy, ripped shorts; tattoos.

I’m sure thongs must be a bell weather of the Oz economy. Sales up economies doing well.. Then you have the economic terrorists wandering around naked, thong less, must be an considered un-Oz activity.; 
some wear odd thongs, different colour on each foot; then you have the old lady struggling along with her zimmer frame in a pair of thongs.

Tattoos seem to be another Oz essential. I’m sure some have that many tattoos that they don’t need to wear a shirt; one bikini clad Sheila had a half a novel
written across her body, I was tempted to go up and read it but thought she may be offended; another had a poem tattooed on her back. Then you have the ultimate in minimalist tattoo on the arm of another Sheila – 16. What the hell does that mean? Is it her age 10 years ago; dress size; her door number in case she forgets; date she lost her virginity; number of children – who knows.

Meanwhile I now know we live in rip off Britain. I though Oz was expensive but I’ve just been pricing up a new Mac Air. Even with an educational dissent in the 
UK they’re at least 15% cheaper over here and nearly 25% cheaper if you reclaim the tax when you leave the country. In Hong Kong and the USA they’re nearly 30% cheaper. Am I surprised?

Thursday – Warm and sunny  but some clouds on the mountain.

After our hectic city day we have. Leisurely day on the mountain. Get a bit of reading and SQL work done. Then after lunch Wendy does the gallery shops without me – apparently I have a bad attitude towards shopping. Instead I find a nice coffee shop and enjoy the sun, watch the world go by, whilst having a long black – probably not PC but who gives a dam.

“Enough yabber from this old ocker … take a trip to the dunny, then grab a coldie and a dog’s eye with dead horse on the way back, get a matilda, and have a Captain Cook at the rest of this blog”.

Drive down to Surfers Paradise to go on a boat trip around the waterways of Southport and Surfers paradise. jams everywhere its a bank holiday weekend.

Then we nip into the big shopping mall, Wendy’s treat – joy. Good to see you can buy Gollywogs over here, no stupid political correctness here yet. We don’t really want one but we’re tempted to buy one just to kick PC in the teeth. Mind you knowing our loony country it’ll probably be confiscated at customs in case it causes offence!

Stay overnight at Pams and get a taste of high rise living. Misha, the cavoodle, dives into the bed to stake her claim before we get in. At 06:00 we get a bed wash from Misha  Really cute , just the right size and lovely temperament.

 

 

Sunday – hot and sunny yet again. Abandon breakfast on the deck as it’s too hot – mind you we’ll have the same problem on my new decking back in Belthorn no doubt:-7.

Nip to the Sunday fruit and veg market. All of one table selling some rather ropy looking veg and no fruit.

Never mind next stop the Tamborine historical society is open today so that’s the next stop. A tad disappointing so we don’t bother.

Watch the hang gliders.

Next stop Cedar Falls, thats if we can find it. Finally track it down. Take our lavish picnic but all picnic tables are occupied. It seems like there’s some Germans around, no it’s not

towels, but picnic table ready set and no one around. Bugger that we go and use it.

The walk down to the falls and the pools has some lovely views and  youngster are out enjoying themselves. Another lovely little National Park in the rain forest. Wendy just loved the lizard lumbering bow legged down the path, testicle dragging along.

Why do we and the USA keep sending billions in aid to these tripe hounds in Pakistan.

“As Obama runs ads in Pakistan apologizing for free speech, Pakistan Minister offers $100,000 reward for death of US filmmaker”.

If our politicians can’t stop frittering away money we don’t have then I suggest we send them to Pakistan to calm the rioters – it’s just goldfish for jam jars.

More Oz sayings:

Man’s not a camel. = Get me a beer.

Let’s hope the Ozzies don’t throw a muslim and get offended by my Oz jokes:

“If it takes an IQ of 60 to tie shoelaces, why do so many Australians wear thongs”?

“Why do so many Australian men suffer premature ejaculation? Because they have to rush back to the pub to tell their mates what happened”!

Monday – hot and sunny.

Breakfast on the balcony. All the Gold Coast is under a blanket of cloud but up here we’re above it all and it’s
clear blue sky.

Drive down to pick Pam up and it’s off to the Gold Coast Wild Life park. Visit a few beaches on the way. By the time we get there the mists lifted and it’s a hot sunny day.

The parks great. Allows you to interact with animals such aKangaroo’s and for a small fee you get to have a picture with a Koala Bear. Although they seem a tad reluctant to let you pet their 5 Metre salt water crocodile. The Kangaroos are amazingly friendly and they don’t even seem to get upset with people petting their Joey in their pouch. I think I’ll just let the pictures speak for themselves. A great day and we just manage to leave before a thunderstorm rolls in.

Enlightened:

“On September 18, 2012, Muhib Ru’yat Al-Rahman, a senior writer on leading jihadi forum Shumoukh Al-Islam, suggested that Muslims living in Denmark, Germany, the Netherlands, and the U.S. kill Westerners and display their decapitated heads along roads with a statement reading: “This is the punishment of those who insult our prophet.” 

Thank Allah the UK’s escaped.

Good news, only salt water crocodiles consumes humans. Bad news, salt water crocodile – can grow up to 6 metres log – are not just found in salt water and can be found inland. Good news, remember the “15 15” rule keep at least 15 metres away from water and don’t stay for more than 15 minutes.

Short-beaked Echidna http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Short-beaked_echidna.

Why do people go to other countries and expect that country to change to accommodate them? If what they want was so good why don’t they stay where they were?

“Today in New York City was the Muslim Day Parade, where Muslims protested against blasphemy and for the imposition of the sharia in America”.

Tuesday – warm and sunny.

Drive down to Pam’s for our first Ozzie barbie. They have these free barbie units in the apartment block so you don’t need to light a fire and suffer the smoke and flames.

A very pleasant afternoon with Pam and Peter and of course Misha enjoying every minute of it. It’s a Cavapoo or in Ozzie lingo a Cavoodle, sounds a bit kinder on your carpets. Wendy wants one.

Wendy and Pam go off to the ladies afternoon while I manage to do a bit of work – boohoo:-(.

Meanwhile:

“The Maldives has moved to ban dancing in public between men and women, an official and a report said, confirming the influence of the nation’s extremist muslims”.

Never mind perhaps homosexuals dancing together is to be promoted. Now there’s a muslim world first. Notice the lower case m do you think this will cause more riots in the muslim world?

Now for some more Oz language lessons:

“The cook and I had a fair suck of the sav, ropeable and were just spewin when we made a blue and vegged out to watch  “The Estate”, about these dole bludgers, rorting the system, chucking sickies all just a load of mongrels not a days yakka between them. Made me want to chunkier. We were rapt to see one guy stand out like a shag on a rock as a bastard battler”.

And now for something  Non PC:

A tourist is driving along in the outback when he hits two Abos who are crossing the road.  One crashes through the windshield and into the car, while the other bounces off the fender and staggers off into the bush. A local cop turns up and calms down the hysterical tourist. “Don’t worry mate. We’ll have the one that came through your windshield arrested for breaking and entering, and the other bloke arrested for leaving the scene of an accident.”

Wednesday – warm and sunny.

Up at the crack of dawn; drive to station and catch the express train into Brisbane. I think express has a different meaning in Oz.  Only 100 minutes to travel 40 miles – thank god  we missed the slow train – I think they must have an on board funeral service.

Pass on the Brisbane hop on off bus tour and do a free walking tour. Very interesting all the history, information and stories about Brisbane. 3 hours and amazing it was free.

Have a walk around south bank and a late lunch there. Very pleasant and vibrant.

After 5 hours “our dogs were barking”, we’ve seen  enough. Catch our 2nd express train back along with all the commuters and iPhone brigade. If you can’t beat them join them so I get my blog done but somehow I really can’t seem to master this thumb tie pin. Must be an age thing.

Brisbane was ok. Glad we’ve seen it but one days enough of any big city is enough.

Long drive back up the mountain, yet again. Nice bottle of Oz Merlot to finish the day.

More Ozzie taunts:

An abo goes into a pub with a parrot on his head.
The bartender looks at him and says, “Where did you get that?”
The parrot said, “There’s plenty of ’em out in the bush!

Q: What do you call an Abo with dandruff?

A: A Lamington (Australia’s famous squares of sponge cake dipped in chocolate glaze and then in coconut)!

This ones a bit deep:

Saturday – warm and sunny.

Life is good. Wendy gets her weekly treat in the supermarket and I get a coffee at the local cafe, with free wifi of course. Nice thing here is that the library is next to the supermarket – now that’s what I call civilised.

After lunch we pop down to the highlight of the year in Tamborine – the annual show. Pig racing and fireworks. Sadly not worth the £7 admission fee, so we give it a miss.

Back home for afternoon tea and a leisurely read.

Sunday – warm and sunny.

Lazy day around the house.  Settle down to read the Steve Jobs biography – Doug has it in hardback form so I needn’t have bought the Kindle edition.

The house and views are stunning.

In the mornings as we have breakfast on the deck we get to listen to the laughing Kookabora http://www.freesound.org/people/pocket/sounds/44554/,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Il98W12WqH4&feature=youtube_gdata_player.

Who needs an iPhone when the house is equipped with the latest communication systems uses that new fangled thing called electricity. Apple watch out!

In the evening we can keep ourselves entertained with music from our state of the art hifi system. 

Great to just relax after all those hotels and travelling. Manage to do a bit of work in the afternoon.

To improve my Oz beyond the Teach Your Self Oz level and give you an example I’ve constructed a typical Oz sentence.

“A larrikin digger one arvo sees a spunk nuddy Sheila with a great mappa tassie and so fancies having a naughty, but alas he has no franger for his old fella so he’s spewin”. Translation at the end of this blog.

How have they got the brass balls:

“Calls in Pakistan for the producer and all those involved in the production and release of the movie must be hanged publicly and that:

The US must make a law against blasphemy — or we will not let the US consulates in Pakistan function”.

Let’s hope they make the same threat to the UK and we ignore it. Then the UK and the US can save Billions in foreign aid – although our dhimi politicians will probably act on it and double the foreign aid.

Monday – warm and rain.

Day starts off fine so we drive down to the tourist info in the village. Did plan on doing a walk but it starts to rain.

Pop in at the Polish place for a drink. Try a Polish coffee. The coffee grinds are still in the cup and you pour cream on it to settle the grinds to sludge in the bottom.  Strong – I don’t think I’ll sleep for a week.

They have parrots galore their. They’ll come and eat the food off your table whilst you’re having lunch. and we get our first glimpse of a Kookabura. What a beautiful cuddly looking bird.

Wifi in the house is great 4.5Meg. I think this is what it must be like in heaven.

Techy talk – ignore this paragraph. Regrettably once I switch my VPN it deteriorates to 450K. Ping is 400m – is that realistic given the distance to the UK? I wonder whether it’s the latency that’s causing so many retries and hence attenuating the speed. Or is it just the usual VPN service degrading as they get too many customers. I did warn you but you couldn’t resist could you. Don’t you just love dirty talk!

Meanwhile more censorship:

“A screening of a controversial documentary on the history of Islam has been cancelled on security advice after its presenter was threatened. Holland was threatened online with a torrent of abusive messages on Twitter.

Historian Tom Holland’s Channel 4 film Islam: The Untold Story sparked more than 1,000 complaints when it was broadcast.

A Channel 4 spokeswoman said: Having taken security advice, we have reluctantly cancelled a planned screening of the programme Islam: The Untold Story. We remain extremely proud of the film which is still available to view on 4oD.

There appears to be no mention of the police following up the violent threats, perhaps they are too busy with following up trivial un-PC insults to worry about a violent attack on free expression”.

Tuesday – rain but warm.

No breakfast on the patio today it’s raining.

Drive down to Southport to have a look around. High rises everywhere. Not really all that attractive but clean.

Try to get some coffee but such an abysmal choice. They must all live on Nescafe and instant coffee. Finally track down a Dan Murphy’s – cheap liquor store. £60 later we’re stocked up on wine, beer and Bacardi.

Get some serious SQL programming done in the evening. Work, it’s that four letter word.

Meanwhile:

“An Iranian religious group has increased a reward offered for the murder of British author Salman Rushdie after managing to blame him for The Innocence of Muslims film”.

Wednesday – hot and sunny. Normal breakfast service on the patio is resumed. Just look at those awesome views.

“Ughh, snake, snake” goes the cry from Wendy as she goes into the downstairs laundry room. Excitement. False alarm it’s just a very thin lizard.

Politicians, there just bloody useless. Sat here on the balcony looking out onto the Gold Coast makes you start to think.

It was the bloody politicians who sent the criminals here to this country. If they’d had an ounce of common sense they’d have left the scrots in the UK and let the rest of us go to Oz or the USA.

Two fantastic countries lost and what are we left with? A near bankrupt country paying out billions to a load of lazy scrots. I’ve no problem with the concept of a welfare state to help people on hard times but what’s wrong with workfare. If you get welfare then you should earn it, when will the politicians fix this, its not rocket science. Rant over.

Birds here are amazing, in our garden we have all sorts of parrots, magpie, kookaboro and new species that no one else has discovered. Never mind Wendy’s iPhone app will help solve that. Then there’s the bird cries. Just like you imagine in the jungle a real cacophony of eerie and sometimes scary sounds. Fantastic! Yes I keep mentioning the iPhone. If she’s really lucky I might give her an iPhone 4 in excellent condition – did anyone mention the new iPhone 5’s been released.

Go down to the Botanical Gardens in Tamborine. This is a first for us. Better not let the kids know. What with bird watching and gardens they’ll be having us committed. They’re absolutely amazing and what’s more they’re free. Great birds also. See that picnic table, it’s been superbly varnished, a glass like finish.

Oz definition of foreplay – “you awake”?

Then go down to the Curtis Falls in the midst of a tropical rain forest. A very enjoyable afternoon.

Here we go again a French magazine has had the audacity to publish some cartoons of Mohamed. This could get interesting. They’re just cartoons for gods sake:

“France in lockdown over Moe-toons, French gov’t orders 20 embassies, schools to close

Earlier today a kosher store in the Paris suburbs were bombed. Despite the West’s delusion and denial, we are at war. Freedom of speech in the age of  jihad. Stand up, fight back. Do not sacrifice freedom so as not to offend savages.

“Charlie Hebdo’s chief editor, who goes by the name of Charb and has been under police protection for a year, defended the cartoons.”I’m not the one going into the streets with stones and Kalashnikovs,” he said”.

Thursday – hot and sunny.

Breakfast on the deck. Not only are the views and birds awesome but the smells from the plants are just lovely.

Reasons why a beer is better than a women:

            If you pour a beer right you always get a good head.

            You can have a beer in public.

Then we drive down to Tamborine National Park – it’s on our doorstep. Queenslands first National Park founded in 1908.  Have our lunch at a picnic spot. Can you believe it they even have free barbecues set up in all the parks? Do a 5k walk to Witches Falls. A tad disappointing as it’s only a trickle when you get there despite the recent rain, but the  walk through the rain forest was worth it. It’s 28C today but is nice and cooler in the rain forest.

Splash out and have a leisurely coffee at the Bavaria House complete with typical German music. Brings back good memories of our German trips.

How can we be so lucky? Tamborine Mountain and the house is awesome. Seems so much nicer than the coast and oh so relaxing. It’s certainly on a par with Sedona.

You know you’ve arrived in Oz when your car has Roo bars.

Everyone you meet is so friendly. I’m sure it’s the sunshine brings out the best in people and makes them happy.

“Crack Jenny’s teapot” to spend a night in a brothel.

Some useless facts from the Oz bureau of statistics:

             31 Ozzies have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree lights whilst they’re plugged in.

Don’t you just love it:

“GENEVA | Wed Sep 19, 2012

(Reuters) – A leading Islamic organization signaled on Wednesday that it will revive long-standing attempts to make insults against religions an international criminal offence.

The bid follows uproar across the Muslim world over a crude Internet video clip filmed in the United States and cartoons in a French satirical magazine that lampoon the Prophet Mohammad.”

Friday – overcast but warm.

Drive down to Broad beach on the Gold Coast to visit Pam who we’ve not seen in 20 years. Have a pleasant afternoon in her lovely apartment, then take a stroll around Broad Beach. As we’ve missed lunch we have “Lunner” in a Bavarian Café. I think I must have died and gone to heaven. As well as a lovely German meal I have a pint – well 500ml, even better – of draught Hof Brau followed by draught Lowenbrau – sorry about the missing umlaut. And to top it all both were served in the correct barrel glass. Proper beer in proper jugs. Not a bloody flower vase, but then comes the bill £8 a 500ml – what a great way to end the day, it’s only money!

And here’s the two of them are deciding on what to eat – how would I ever get a word in edgeways

Then Wendy has the long dark drive back up the mountain. Fortunately we didn’t need the Roo bars or splat a Koala.

Meanwhile it’s good to know that the UK has it own band of religious fruitcakes:

“Fashion chain Next has been slammed by Christian nutters over a Sinners T-shirt which depicts a woman in underwear coupled with Bible references.

The T-shirt carries the headline Sinners and strap line The Night Before above the seductive image of a woman in black underwear lying on a bed. Below the image is the slogan Live for the Day. Finally, there is a long smallprint passage which carries a number of definitions of sin including one from the Bible from epistle to the Romans, chapter seven”.

If any body missed the controversial video thats caused the Muslim world to throw its tows out the pram yet again, here it is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MAiOEV0v2RM&feature=youtube_gdata_player.

It’s not really all that good and would probably have withered on the vine if the savages hadn’t, yet again, and rioted, slaughtered and killed in order to try and get their own way. In the name of all those on the receiving end of this senseless savage violence and free speech I feel compelled to watch it and promote it.

Well I don’t know about anyone else but I’m just totally brassed off with religion. What a bunch of savage superstitious hypocrites most of them are. As that great atheist Pat Condell says “If Jesus or Mohamed – assuming they ever existed – came back now they be appalled at what is being done in their name”. I think we should take any of these religious fruit cakes and deport them to a spare continent. I suggest Africa might be a good choice. It’s already heavily populated with a goodly smattering of nutters. Then these savages can all terrorise, rape, pillage, fight, kill, stone, decapitate, flog, crucify, torture and persecute one another until Armageddon.

Did we have similar riots and violence when “The Life of Brian” and the “Holy Grail” were launched?

Never mind having a international blasphemy law, what about an international intolerance law that sends to Africa anyone who tries to cripple free speech or spouts religious bolox.

Answer to the translation exercise:

“A cheeky chappy soldier one afternoon sees a lovely nude women with a great pubic region and so fancies having sex with her, but alas he has no condom for his penis so he’s very annoyed”.

Great news if my house is a place of worship then you don’t pay council tax. Well I’ve just had an epiphany. Every morning the Kookaburo wakes me with its infectious laughter, it tells the sky people to light the great fire in the sky that warms the earth, and it’s spirit revealed to me a vision to cease my wicked ways and go forth and enjoy the full fruits of Mother Earth (Hedonism) and henceforth start a new religion called Tonylim. I can tell you it was a very spiritual moment. I’m therefore declaring 18 Rydal Mount, Belthorn a place of worship for Tonylim. Open house and all welcome to worship in the zen garden every Monday at 21:44 when the Grand Elder Tony is present – bring your own wine.