Tony & Wendy's Travel Blog

Tuesday – Hot and sunny.

A blue sky day so Wendy’s skiing. A lazy start to the day as we get on the lifts about 11:00.

A couple of easy runs and then Wendy thinks it’s time for coffee.

A coffee and internet stop in my mountain office, sat by the log fire.

Then a few blue runs and finally ski down silver star to the silver star restaurant where we have lunch. Well to be honest Wendy has lunch. I commit a sin and have a Stiegl Austrian pilsener for lunch. I’m sure I’ll be forgiven. It brings back happy memories of skiing in Serfaus in Austria.

After lunch we catch the lift backup and it’s then one final rundown for Wendy, her poor little legs are so tired they’re like jelly by the end of the afternoon.

Why is it that my feet always hurt when I ski with Wendy. When she’s not there I ski really hard and non-stop, yet my feet never hurt.

A good days skiing and beautiful weather. Five hours later we get back home.

For those of you who’ve been skiing you’ll probably be aware that the trees are sometimes adorned and decorated with bras and knickers. This seems a perverse behaviour probably carried out by snow borders. Why anyone should want to ruin the looks of these beautiful trees god only knows, but there we are. Anyway I’ve come up with a new game, I’m sure the lift companies could promote. As you travel up on the lift you need to guess the sizes of each of the bras on the trees. Should you get all right then you get a free day pass.

Meanwhile we both decided we miss having a dog but with our lifestyle it’s just not possible. Unless of course someone develops a small breed that can be just popped in the freezer while you’re away and defrosted as soon as you get back.

Islamic fundamentalists suffer premature ejaculation, sorry detonation:

Up to 15 Al-Shabaab fighters were killed when a vehicle laden with explosives went off in a house in Buloburte town, some 200 km north of the capital Mogadishu.

It was not clear if the militants died while packing the car with bombs for a suicide mission or if it went off afterwards while they were in the vicinity.

Perhaps there is an allah after all – that’s me on the Worldwide “To Be Stoned” list.

Wednesday (well at least we think it is, but them buggers at the BBC have put East Enders on tonight so we’re confused) – warm and sunny.

Now for some crazy British laws:

It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament. 
It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British monarch upside-down. 
In Liverpool, it is illegal for a woman to be topless except as a clerk in a tropical fish store. 
Mince pies cannot be eaten on Christmas Day.
In Scotland, if someone knocks on your door and requires the use of your toilet, you must let them enter. 

Time to put some photos of our home from home on. It’s a lovely condo. Another great house swap.

Meet up with Carol for a mornings skiing. She gently pushes me to try some of the groomed blacks – no it’s not a racist remark. I’m a blue cruiser. If I can’t do it with style then I don’t do it. Black Diamond runs tend to ruin my style but I really do need to start doing a few more. Try Crescent which has been lovingly groomed and is a great run. Then try Detonator, not groomed for a few days but not too difficult. After many years visiting here I finally get to do Sunrise which is a double blue. To me it looks worse than a Double Black Diamond. The guy who graded it was either stoned; blind; or worked for the marketing department and didn’t want to have a Black Diamond off this lift. Anyway it’s not been groomed and after the first 200 feet it’s done with style and no stains in the underwear.

A great mornings skiing. Plenty of exercise. Good to be pushed outside my comfort zone.

Afternoon and Wendy gets her treat of the week with a free trip to the supermarket. I manage to get some work done (SQL coding – happy days).

Bible quotes wiped away:

Metsa Tissue were printing trivially entertaining messages about love on their loo roll to please their patrons, but included some Bible quotes. One such quote read:

“For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

Guess what? someone objected. The Bishop of Tunsberg, Norway said “This is bad taste and shows a lack of respect…Bible verses do not belong on a roll of toilet paper.”

The company has now decided to stop printing the religious messages and vet their quotes more stringently in future.

Good job they weren’t quotes from the Koran.

More crazy laws:

A pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman’s helmet. 
The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the king, and the tail of the queen. 
It is illegal to avoid telling the tax man anything you do not want him to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing. 
It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament in a suit of armour. 
In the city of York it is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow.

Thursday – cloudy yet warm.

Eagle lifts still broken and it’s 39F so the snows already melting and it’s a whiteout on the top runs, time to hug some trees. We got 1 – 2″ of snow last night so it’s not too bad on some of the runs. As part of my new found push to do  Double Blacks, at least if they’ve been groomed, I was aiming to do First Temptation – a Black Diamond mogul field from hell, that would certainly stain the underwear. But with the whiteout I can hardly stay upright when I’m stood still so I give it a miss. Have a hard pushed hour on the lower slopes, below the whiteout and then skive off for a coffee in the hope that the whiteout / cloud will lift. 

After coffee and Internet it’s lifted. Tackle Mikeys a groomed Black Diamond and then try Belmont a short bumpy Black Diamond. A good morning.

Get back to the condo and there’s this new bird clicking away with knitting needles. Do my eyes deceive me. Gone is the dizzy blond look and hello to the trendy new look – see picture. I like it. Wendy’s not so sure. Will it make her ski faster?

Afternoon spent swearing at the financial web sites and their password hell, as I try and assess how poor we are and what to do about this years ISA’s. I always hate these “days of reckoning”, they are guaranteed to drive me nuts. Wendy passively sits there clicking away and wishing I was skiing instead of swearing at the dammed web sites. I wish I was too.

It seems that America has it’s own clowns throwing money away. We are not alone. Heres a story from a realtor (estate agent):

After I woke up the homeowner, she let us in and then pro-ceeded to tell my buyers and I that she has already entered into a contract to sell the home on a short-sale. (A short-sale is a sale where the banks accepts less money than is owed on the home). She and her sister (who also lived in the area) were buying each other’s homes via the short-sale process. I mentioned to her that I thought relatives could not be involved in those transactions. She smiled and said “We have two different last names so no one knows the difference”.

They each owed over 100K on their homes and were in the pro-cess of buying each other’s homes for about 10-15K cash. To top it off, they were each receiv-ing $3,000.00 in government provided relocation assistance at the closing. My buyers and I were amazed that she was outright admitting to fraud and yet, she continued. She began to tell us that the best part of her scheme was that because they currently were not working that they (both) are now receiving Section 8 Vouchers. I said I thought those were for renters and she said “That’s the best part; me and my sister are going to be renting each other’s homes so we don’t even have to move, and Obama is going to give us each $800.00 a month to pay the rent!”.

So here is the bottom line… Both of these scammers got at least $80,000.00 in debt forgiven, $3,000.00 in cash for relocation (when in fact they did not relocate) and to boot, you and I will now be paying (through our taxes) $1,600.00 in rent for each them each and every month…. perhaps forever!

These women went from working and paying about $900.00 each in mortgage payments to staying home and getting paid $800.00 each per month to live in the same home they had been living in and all they had to do was lie on a few papers. This craziness has to stop! I’m sure this kind of fraud is going on each and every day all across the country and no one wants to touch the subject of entitlements because they might OFFEND someone or lose a vote or two.

By the way… she had an almost new SUV in the driveway, three flat screen TV’s and a very nice computer set up in her living room which was furnished entirely with nice leather furniture.

IT’S THE NEW ‘AMERICAN WAY’….. 

Then to top the “IT day of crap” this bloody blog software has just lost all my work, even though I had a draft copy.

Here in the land of the free and the home of the brave where guns massacre innocent kids; have over 10,000 gun deaths per annum; have even more gun accidents, the politicians are still waffling on with more hot air. The gun lobby are still in their with all their cranky arguments. The senseless killing goes on daily and surprise, surprise nothing gets done.

But what I’m about to reveal is just totally unbelievable. It’s a true “I don’t believe it moment”. Here’s a question to unlock this nonsense.

What do the following have in common?

Nelson, Georgia; Sabattus, Maine; Spring City, Utah; Virgin, Utah; Kennesaw, Georgia

The answer will be in my next blog. Grip your seats and sit tight it is just unbelievable.

Friday – too hot and sunny. 43F is not doing the snow any good.

Up for first tracks again. Tycoon is awesome today, I’m orgasmic, I’ve found a new run – Jupiter Access – alas it is a tad disappointing, more of mountain track through the glades but still enjoyable.

Wendy thinks I’m obsessive.What me? Why because I’m up at the crack of sparrows for first tracks and I ski every day. Seems fairly reasonable to me. There are 11 months of the year when I can’t ski so make the most of it when I can. Mind you I think Wendy’s weird for not skiing everyday – so there. Those mountains are just totally bodacious and rumour has it you don’t ski when you’re dead, at least not where I’m going!

Another great morning. Meet Wendy for lunch at Payday and after some well deserved sun bathing – see pictures – we head off for a walk into town. More exercise for us (Wendy’s had a 1 hour walk already).

Main Street Park City is as boring as ever, quaint but full of bars, restaurants, art galleries and tee shirt shops. Sadly no Starbucks or coffee shops.

Just incase anyone thinks it’s cold forget it. We’ve just passed a condo with 2 lads lounging on deck chairs in their budgies smugglers, with a beer of course, and a bird in a bikini. Alas my iPhone was not up to a long distance photo.

After my weekend with techno couple (Californians through and through) I’ve decided I need to become more techno savvy. As a nerd I seem to be slipping. So despite my loathing for Starbuck tax evasion I’ve decided to sign up for Starbucks Apple passbook app. How trendy is that! What’s more I get free coffees every 12 and free refills, forget the personalised gold card.

As a treat after a hard day skiing and walking we call into Starbucks. Typical technology it doesn’t work. Seems like I’m set up as a UK member and not US – are they not a Worldwide brand. They can recognise where I am, show me the nearest store but don’t seem able to make the leap of intelligence to say oh well he’s in America. Logon and find I can switch to the US site. Perhaps it will work next time – Nerds 0; techno crap 1.

And to complete a totally narley day it’s Welsh Rarebit for tea washed down by a pleasant American Merlot.

Wow look at these Telepathic rats with brain implants that enable them to communicate across the internet. What potential.

Top ten reasons why mountains are better than women:

1 A mountain lets you ride it all day.

2 Mountains always have big peaks.

3 A mountain doesn’t mind if you’ve been on othe mountains.

4 You don’t have to bundle up before you get on a mountain (but you should).

5 There are always easy trails on a mountain.

6 Mountains don’t mind if you want to include all your friends.

7 You can jump on a mountain and it won’t bother you for the next few weeks.

8 Mountains want you to start at the top and work your way down.

9 You can ride a mountain without having to stay the night.

10 Mountains don’t care if you visit the back country.

Religious nut cases:

Brazilian pastor is behind bars after telling his flock that his penis contained ‘holy milk’. EVANGELICAL pastor Valdeci Sobrino Picanto hit on a crafty way of getting blowjobs. He convinced his followers that his semen was “holy milk”. He has convinced some followers that only God could come into their lives through their mouth and that’s why he would ask them to have oral sex with him until the Holy Spirit would come through ejaculation.

Saturday – hot and sunny.

Make the supreme sacrifice and miss a days skiing. Who says I’m obsessive.

Yet more steps on the nerd trail. As the new Techno Man, I’ve downloaded some tracks from iTunes and watched netflix last night.

Lazy day. Drive up to Deer Valley for lunch with Wendy. I was going to break one of my 3 laws and have a beer for lunch but alas we’re in a country full of “beer perverts”. Not a decent Pilsner or lager anywhere to be had. Instead there’s Porter, Heifer Weissen, Framboise fruity beers, even Kolsh and of course your tradition American nats piss. Never mind I’ve some good sensible German Pils in the fridge and some rather tasty Pinot Noir back in the condo.

Then we go and view a condo for a years rental out here. Very nice 3 bedroom place with balcony, fully furnished, lovely. Gives us a feel for what you get for your money. Also includes a clubhouse with gym, pool and jacuzzi.

Edible underwear was invented in America? Well, there is a surprise. Even during sex they can’t stop eating!

Having watched the IT Crowd, which bought back happy memories of being a nerd with responsibility for an IT Help Desk, I though it might be good to focus on some Help Desk Horror stories:

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have? Female customer: A white one…

Helpdesk: Click on the ‘my computer’ icon on to the left of the screen. Customer: Your left or my left?

Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you? Male customer: Hello… I can’t print. Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and … Customer: Listen pal; don’t start getting technical on me! I’m not Bill Gates damn it!

Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print. Every time I try it says ‘Can’t find printer’. I’ve even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can’t find it…

Customer: I have problems printing in red… Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer? Customer: Aaaah………………..thank you.

Have we been away that long that the clowns in Whitehall have finally lost the plot.

SCROUNGING hate preacher Anjem Choudary has told fanatics to copy him by going on benefits — urging: “Claim your Jihad Seeker’s Allowance.”
He cruelly ridiculed non-Muslims who held down 9-to-5 jobs all their lives and said sponging off them made plotting holy war easier.
The Sun secretly filmed him over three meetings also saying leaders such as David Cameron and Barack Obama should be KILLED, grinning as he branded the Queen “ugly” and predicting a “tsunami” of Islamic immigrants would sweep Europe.

He went on: “People will say, ‘Ah, but you are not working’. “But the normal situation is for you to take money from the kuffar.“ So we take Jihad Seeker’s Allowance. You need to get support. ”Figures obtained by The Sun in 2010 showed the extremist cleric received £15,600 a year in housing benefit to keep him in a £320,000 house in Leytonstone, East London. He also got £1,820 council tax allowance, £5,200 income support and £3,120 child benefits — equivalent to a taxed salary of £32,500.

He told a 30-strong crowd: “We are going to take England — the Muslims are coming.” He gloated that the 9/11 terror attacks “shook the enemy” and claimed white supremacists wished they had the “fortitude” to fly planes into buildings. He went on to proclaim: “You must hate in your heart — Cameron, Obama, all that they worship. “Democracy, freedom, secularism, the parliament, all the MPs and the Presidents, all the kuffar’s ideas, everything the people worship, we have to believe that they are bad and we have got to reject them. “Reject them with our tongue. Reject them with our heart. In our heart have hatred towards them.”

Why are we putting up with this joker / hate monger?

If the clowns in Whitehall can’t sort this then they should resign.

I suggest failing just stopping all payments he is offered a workfare position in a pig abattoir. When he squeals like a stuck pig that it offends his religion offer him two choices – cease all benefits or go somewhere more compatible with his vile hatred. It’s about time we stopped this sort of nonsense. 

Sunday – snowing and 28F. 4-7″ predicted.

Up early for first tracks but alas its a whiteout up there. Thank Dawkins for the trees at least they’re upright and give you some idea of up and down. Picture is of Jonesys, my favourite run, in a white out. Thankfully the gortex, helmet, goggles and gloves are performing well and I’m cocooned in a warm shell with Bob Dylan blasting out from the iPhone. There’s something quite magical about be out in the pouring snow all wrapped up with great gear. Just a pity it’s a whiteout, worse than being falling down drunk. New snow, great to ski on and tomorrow should be epic if this continues. I can feel another crack of sparrows start.

Your really do have to worry about some scrots. It’s a whiteout. What do they do they lie down on the middle of a slope, just over the brow of a hill so that you can’t see them until the last minute and to make sure they blend in they’re in white ski suit – scum boarder of course. You really do hope they don’t reproduce and pollute the gene pool

Hang all my wet gear up to dry but even after 6 years the gortex still seems to be doing its job and keeping me dry and warm.

Meet Wendy at Starbucks for a coffee. At last my Passbook seems to be working properly. Sadly though it seems you have to have a data connection. Not a problem with Starbucks as they have free Wifi but surely it would be so much simpler if it could work offline and update the next time you go online.

After lunch we have an afternoon in like two old dears. Wendy knitting and me preparing Agendas for the up and coming school governors meetings. The joys of retirement.

More from the civilised religion of peace and tolerance:

A 15-year-old girl sentenced to 100 lashes for fornication on a remote part of the Maldives is at the centre of a new row between moderates and religious extremists in the Indian Ocean luxury tourist destination. The girl, who has survived rape by her stepfather and a resultant pregnancy, has now been found guilty of fornication and sentenced to flogging and house arrest.

Perhaps people might think twice before going to such places for a holiday!

Our new travel philosophy is to avoid any:

• 3rd World country where you could die if you have to go to hospital or where you need to take your own set of needles etc.
• Any country that has Shia law.
• Any country which has more than 50% Muslim population.
• Any country where you can be stoned to death for commenting on religion or blasphemy – they’d probably stone me in the arrivals hall.

In the meantime we’ll stick to the civilised places, including the land of “the great Satan”.

Watched the last episode of “House of Cards” (Netflix version). Now I suppose we have to wait for season 2. Nearly as good as “West Wing”. At least you don’t need a Phd in American politics to follow it.

Also watched “Seal Team Six” on Netflix. All about the shooting of Bin Laden. Not bad. I’m sure this will have upset a lot of Muslim Fundamentalists, but then they get upset over the slightest thing. I think the only mistake the Americans made was not to have his body embalmed in a pig skin and displayed in a glass case at ground zero for all to see for eternity.

More from the Help Desks of the World:

Helpdesk: What’s on your monitor now ma’am? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.

Helpdesk: And now hit F8. Customer: It’s not working. Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly? Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing’s happening…

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore. Helpdesk: Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer? Customer: No. I can’t get behind the computer. Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. Customer: OK Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you? Customer: Yes Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard? Customer: Yes, there’s another one here. Ah…that one does work!

Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7. Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters? –

A customer couldn’t get on the internet. Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password? Customer: Yes I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it. Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was? Customer: Five stars.

Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use? Customer: Netscape. Helpdesk: That’s not an antivirus program. Customer: Oh, sorry…Internet Explorer.

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!

Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you? Old woman: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me? Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don’t understand your problem? Old woman: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?

Sunday – sun, cloud, some snow and 23F.

Up for early tracks to enjoy the 7″ of new powder in the last 24 hours. Sadly it had all been groomed down. Good skiing but not quite a powder day.

By 10:45 I’m nearly burnt out after non-stop ripping the slopes up. Stop for a coffee in my new office – see picture and views from it.

Then it’s just more until I meet Chris and De’Shaun for lunch – buttes by Wendy.

Then after lunch we have a few more runs in brilliant sunshine.

A totally bodacious day.

Thought for the day:

Forgive your enemy but remember the bastards name.

Can you believe it? Well yes I can:

Cases are piling up on the desk of a noted lawyer in Egypt, the latest is of two boys about to be tried for allegedly showing contempt of Islam.

Attorney Karam Gabriel said anti-Christian hostilities are getting worse as the two boys are to be tried in a court in Beni Suef. The accusation against Nabil Naji Rizq and Mina Atallah, who were 10 and 9 years old respectively at the time of their arrest in late September, of insulting the Koran made headlines throughout the country after a man saw them playing in rubbish that he claimed included pages from the Koran. Accusing them of tearing pages of Islam’s holy book — a later version of the story had them allegedly urinating on it — he filed a report that led to 
the arrest of the two children. They were released in early October.

Gabriel said they are just small children, and they don’t really understand what all the fuss is about — they can’t even tell the difference between the Koran, the Bible or any other holy book.
Tensions are such that, for the moment, there is no information on the exact date of the two boys’ trial, as authorities fear it will exacerbate hostilities in the city.

Monday –  very cold (7 F or -17 C) but Sunny.

Up for first tracks as usual. Coffee mid morning and then pack up at lunch time ready to drive Chris and De’Shaun back to Salt Lake airport.

After we’ve dropped them off we drive into Salt Lake and visit the new City Creek mall. Un like most malls it’s smack bang in the centre on Main St with a massive under ground car park. It’s amazing and needs pictures to describe it. Even has trout in the streams and despite appearances is mainly in doors.  Wendy gets to go to the Disney store. Buys 3 pairs of Miss Missy style jeans, can’t get them in England. Then she drags me into the Apple store buys hers self a keyboard for the iPad and me a numeric keypad for my birthday. Also buys me a really neat tea brewer in a vacuum cup – the equivalent of the Starbucks coffee cup – will be ideal for tea in the car or when I’m at my desk. Then it’s the Cheese Cake Factory, but alas they still aren’t doing the Toblerone Cheesecake that someone – she shall remain nameless – stole from me 5 years ago.

Haute cuisine for dinner, Taco Bell for me and Panda Express for Wendy. Epic!

Well after a long weekend with Chris and De’Shaun I’ve started to realise how techno savvy I ain’t. Amazing, they live on their iPhones; use the camera extensively; post immediately to Facebook; use it to seek out all sorts of info and guides. Mind you it does help having good 3G connections and as much as you can eat data. I’ve learnt a lot from “techno couple”. Especially how good the camera features really are for day to day photos.

UN report on more intolerance:

Extensive discrimination by governments against atheists, humanists and the non-religious occurs worldwide, said the union. In Afghanistan, Iran, Maldives, Mauritania, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia and Sudan atheists can face the death penalty on the grounds of their belief , in violation of 
UN human rights accords, the IHEU said in a document submitted to the UN human rights council.

And then “they” have the brass balls:

New efforts in the UN by Muslim countries to obtain a worldwide ban on denigration of religion, specifically what they claim to be Islamophobia.

Thought for the day:

Money can’t buy happiness but its more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bike. 

Isn’t this catch 22:

Teresa Lewis has become the first woman in America to be executed in the last 5 years. Apparently she could have been spared execution if she had an IQ level below 70. Hers was 72. You have to question the intelligence of someone who passes an IQ test knowing full well that if they do they’ll be executed.

Tuesday – very cold (-3 F) with a mixture of sun and snow flurries. Time to break out the long johns – itchy buggers.

Catch first tracks. Have the luxury of a whole 1″ of fresh powder on top of groomed runs. 

Ski until lunch time and then go and pick Wendy up from her weekly supermarket treat. She’s walked the 2  miles to the store in the snow, so I suppose the least I can do is pick her and the weekly shop up in the car. I wonder how people managed before they had cars – must have needed a pack horse donkey.

Afternoon working on some reports.

In the evening Hal, Carol and eagle eyed Angela (she can spot sweets in a cupboard in under a second) come round for dinner. Pleasant evening over a few bottles of great American wine.

If Obama becomes a Mormon will he turn white?

The Book of Mormon teaches that if dark-skinned people repent and believe in Mormonism, their skin will become white.

Thought for the day:

Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems but then again milk doesn’t either.

Monday – a Blue Bird ski day, blue sky, sun but cold.

Happy Presidents Day – or whatever you say on this auspicious occasion. Pity there’s so many want to ski PC today.

Up and out at the crack o sparrows to be in the lift line for 09:00 and catch first tracks. One of the busiest days of the year. I managed a great mornings skiing with hardly any queues, apart from the odd one down at Silver Load – now there’s surprise. If you know the mountain you can avoid the busy slopes and quite a few runs were empty. An energetic but awesome mornings skiing. By lunch time I was totally knackered, had really filled my boots with a great mountain tour – see map and profile. 

Met Wendy for lunch at Payday restaurant. After a knitting session she’d managed a two mile walk up towards the slopes and then caught the free bus to Payday. Being the lavish people we are, Wendy smuggled in some buttes – nobody really cares if you eat your own.

Then it’s back to the condo for a few enjoyable hours work on my super fast wifi. What a grand life.

By 21:00 I’m ready for bed.

Buddha images have joined Barbie dolls and characters from The Simpsons TV cartoon as banned items in Iran. 

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( that’s the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Frito’s:! ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap: “Directions: Use like regular soap.” (and that would be how???….)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: “Serving suggestion: Defrost.” (but, it’s “just” a suggestion).

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): “Do not turn upside down.” (well…duh, a bit late, huh)!

Tuesday – another Blue Bird day but very windy and cold. Especially when we’re swing in the wind on those lifts.

Mind you it must be a Blue Bird day as Wendy comes skiing. She drops me off at 08:45 and today I’m first in line for the lift. More first tracks skiing by 10:30 I’ve been at it non-stop. No Queues. The Presidents day crowds have all gone back to work so it’s very quiet. Just lift, ski, lift, ski.

Meet Wendy down at the bottom and we both ski with Carol and 3 year old Angela. More Wendy’s type of skiing. Mind you having said that at 3 years old Angela is quite nippy and of course has no fear. 

Rest of the morning is an easy and relaxing ski. Watching a 3 year old ski brings back happy memories of Kurt skiing at that age. No fear; straight down; fantastic snow plough turns; on the easier sections skis come parallel but always wide apart and sat back on them; if they fall they just bounce back up.

Then it’s a late lunch at the Corner Store sat outside in a great sun trap. Great location, good food and cheaper than the main lodge.

Another awesome day.

Yet more stupid labels:

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: “Product will be hot after heating.” (…and you thought????…)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: “Do not iron clothes on body.” (but wouldn’t this save me more time?)

On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine: “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.” (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: “Warning: May cause drowsiness.” (and.. .I’m taking this because???….)

On most brands of Christmas lights: “For indoor or outdoor use only.” (as opposed to…what?)

Wednesday – cloud and sun.

!st in line this morning. Is that enthusiasm or madness?

In the afternoon Wendy gets her treat of the week with a trip to the supermarket and I manage to get some work done.

Yet more stupid labels:

On a Japanese food processor: “Not to be used for the other use.” (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I’m a bit curious.) (Ok, It was supposed to be translated as ” to be used for intended use only” basically what it means is don’t use your food processor as a wood chipper people. lol)

On Sunsbury’s peanuts: “Warning: contains nuts.” (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.” (Step 3: maybe, uh…fly Delta?)

On a child’s superman costume: “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.” (I don’t blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw: “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.” (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Up and out early to enjoy the best of the 5″ fresh powder promised. Where is it? Yet another false promise the weather forecasters must be politicians. I suppose I should be grateful for just 1″.

Another good mornings skiing.

Met Wendy for lunch up at Payday. 

Pick Chris and D’Shaun up at  the airport in the evening.

Friday – sun and cloud but pretty cold 27F.

Everyone up at the crack o sparrows. All kitted out and on the slopes by 09:00. I take Chris and D’Shaun on a leisurely mountain tour whilst they get their ski and boarders legs. Yes, I have to be honest and admit that I was out skiing with a snowboarder (D’Shaun). I’m relatively well behaved and limit my quips on snowboarders to a minimum.

Meet Wendy for  sack lunch at Payday. Violate my 1st law and have a beer at lunch time. It’s medicinal as scientific evidence shows that you ski better with some alcohol in you.

Then ski after lunch and Chris and I have the last hour burning up the runs.

Another awesome day and great weather.

Now some of you may be ware of the great British horse meat scandal (horse meat found in beef burgers) – yes another food scandal on our tiny Island. Thankfully we’re away from it all but of course it is still rumbling on with the press milking it for all its worth. Fortunately it’s spawned a whole genre of Horse meat jokes, with the Tesco supermarket as the main brunt of them:

I’m so hungry, I could eat a horse …. I guess Tesco just listened!
Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or neigh?
Not entirely sure how Tesco is going to get over this hurdle.
Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my burger. So I had £5 each way!
Had some burgers from Tesco for my tea last night … I still have a bit between my teeth.
A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco. Her condition is said to be stable.
Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn

Saturday – snow, 40 mph winds and very cold 21 F.

Up early and out with Chris for a days skiing. Snow huts standing room only as people shelter from the storm. 4″ of new snow falls during the day so makes some great skiing. For the first time in ages Powder Keg was groomed (double blue) overnight. Normally it’s just heavily mogulled. With the new snow it’s a great run. 4 hours burning up the slopes with Chris. Snowing heavy so some fresh powder and great runs. 40 mph winds, sorts the men from the boys. Can’t believe the maximum speed of 62 mph. These new skis are magic, they do what I want them to.

By 13:00 we’ve filled our boots – see run map and chart. Pick Wendy and De’Shaun up at the Outlets. Looks like they’ve had an expensive morning’s retail therapy. After lunch Chris and De’Shaun go off to explore Main Street in Park City and manage to find a Whisky distillery. We meet up with them in the evening for a good meal in the Red Rock brewery – it’s really buzzing.

More horse meat one liners:

“I’ve just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer … AND THEY’RE OFF”
Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers confuse barcodes for serving suggestions.
Said to the missus, These Tesco burgers give me the trots….
“To beef or not to beef, that is equestrian”…..
A cow walks into a bar. Barman says, “Why the long face?” Cow says “Illegal ingredients coming over here, stealing our jobs!”
I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse d’oeuvres.
These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit …. talk about flogging a dead horse. 

Just when you think you’re safe from Valentine’s day exploitation, in the land of the mighty dollar, the marketing men are out yet again to further milk the gullible masses with shelves full of St Patricks day tat!

Thursday – rain as we leave Manchester airport – now there’s a surprise.

As usual it snowed the day before so we end up coming over to an airport hotel the night before. This seems to be a regular feature of our escapes. Driving down Belthorn road Wednesday afternoon in an SUV with the bakes on and it just wouldn’t stop  – like a toboggan ride. Quite scary, fortunately hit nothing.

Typical! I travel in my thongs to make it simple taking off shoes before I go through the airport sterilising machine and the buggers don’t ask me to remove my shoes!

How to in increase the airport misery? Introduce more queues. Two new queues this time:

One to access the manned self check-in machine to print your ticket. Sadly you then have to queue for bag drop. The two transactions take about the same time as the good old one check in, but has the advantage of an extra queue.

Second queue to check that your plastic bag with liquids in is properly sealed (nothing to do with the fact that he’s stood next to the machines selling bags for £1). What difference does it make whether the bag is tightly sealed or not?

If they really cared about my safety why don’t they do the sensible thing and profile. Well we all know why. It’s just not PC – all the more reason to do it. Anything less means they don’t really care!

Flight with Virgin to Las Vegas was very comfortable. New plane, well kitted out and we get bulkhead seats. I complain there’s just too much leg room we have to get up to reach the magazine pocket. Wendy’s been complaining to Virgin again (not me), perhaps they’re trying to butter her up.

I’m plodding (I don’t use this term lightly) my way through Richard Dawkins “The Blind Watchmaker” to better understand evolution. Which raises an important, but politically incorrect question. What is the evolutionary advantage for black women tending to have such big, horizontally prominent, arses? Answers kept in the strictest of confidence.

Mr Hertz provides us with a nice SUV upgrade – Chevy Equinox 2LT. Haven’t a clue what LT stands for, never mind why there are two of them. But apparently it has “advanced remote vehicle start” – start your car from in the house!

Hotels in Vegas is comfortable as usual, well at least when we’ve moved from the room with wall that vibrate like a bass speaker.

I’m American, and I’m sick of people saying America is “the stupidest country in the world.” Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

‎“I don’t believe it”.

A university graduate has the gaul to claim her back-to-work scheme, that made her stack shelves in return for her benefits (perhaps one could call it “Workfare”), was unlawful. Argued it breached slavery rules. Has the brass neck to take it to court and waste even more taxpayers money. Then to top it all the courts agree with her instead of kicking it out and selling her into slavery to pay the costs.

I’ve no problem with the concept of a welfare state, we never know when we’ll need a helping hand in life, but when will common sense prevail and people who receive benefits be made to do some work in return – WORKFARE. Why can’t our wimpy, hot air politicians just make it happen.

Friday – warm and sunny.

Up at the crack o sparrow’s and on the road to Park City by 07:00. Pleasant drive up. 400 miles and not a traffic jam or serious roadworks in site.

Condo’s very comfy with great views from the balcony. Best of all it has 34 MB wifi – heaven. Picture above on the left is the view from our balcony.

Then it’s a trip to the supermarket for the important things like coffee and wine.

Saturday – 17F first thing but turns into a brilliant blue bird day.

Nip round to Carols to pick up my skies and gear. Then it’s off to Park City ski resort to buy me season pass and hit the slopes. Costs $850 but works out at less than $30 a day, as opposed to $102 a day at the window.

Despite a late start, get in a good 4 hours skiing and manage to avoid queues and busy runs. This is what it’s all about. Great mountain, great snow and great skiing. I’m at home here. I think the stork must have dropped me off at the wrong place

Free wifi now on the mountain, 7 MB per second. Yes 7 MB and free on top of a mountain. BT struggle to provide 2 MB at home. You can say what you like about America, but apart from their childish and somewhat macho / phallic obsession with guns, it’s civilised.

“Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness” is the founding statement in the declaration American declaration of Independence. But isn’t there now sufficient evidence to show that the 2nd Amendment’s “right to bear arms” actually infringes this by robbing so many Americans of their lives.

I think there’s some fundamental questions all Americans should answer.

“Is the right to bear arms worth even one American life, never mind over +10,000 pa?”

If “No” then go to 1

If “yes” then “Is that right to bear arms worth the life of you or one of your loved ones?”

If  “No” then you’re a selfish bloody hypocrite. Get a life and go to 1.

If “yes” then I still think you’re deranged but I respect your consistent opinion.

1 The solutions really very simple you need to campaign for total gun control – like the British model. Don’t just ban automatics etc. Ban all weapons. I know it will be difficult but think of the lives that will be saved. Oh and forget sporting rifles etc. It would only be sporting if the animals could shoot back – that’d put a few off hunting.

Sunday – cold, sun cloud and some snow.

Up at crack o sparrows; out at 08:30; arrive at lift just as it’s starting to catch early tracks. It’s well worth the effort to catch the good snow and before it gets too busy. By 10:30 I’m ready for a well earned coffee.

Pack in at lunch time as the snow starts, need my goggles rather than sun glasses.

Singles line is interesting. It seems like it used by groups to jump the queue rather than just singles. I suppose it’s the US equivalent  of parking in disabled slots.

Some 60 year old snowboarders around today. I can’t help thinking that they’re the same as balding Bob Dylan fans with pony tails. Act your age.

After lunch we go for a pleasant stroll in the biting wind to the Outlet stores. As if I haven’t had enough exercise.

Dinner at Hal and Carols in the evening. Great lamb curry. Angela’s chattering away and remembers us from other visit. Met up with Randy again and some of their other friends. Really lively evening, good company, good food and good wine – what more can you want?

Chasing the American Dream does not count as exercise.

Don’t worry about what people think they don’t do it very often.

Here we go again from the religion of peace and love.

Extremist muslim websites are abuzz against Muslim members of the British parliament who voted in favour of gay marriage legislation and there are fears that the Muslim parliamentarians could face serious intimidation after extremist clerics issued fatwas against the MPs declaring them to be apostates .

At least three Pakistani clerics have said that these MPs needed to repent and renew their faith, which means that they stand expelled from the Islam for supporting same sex marriages. They have also said that their Islamic marriages stand annulled and they needed to read Kalma again to become Muslims.

Police forces in Britain have taken notice of the fatwas and the threats against the MPs. Also, the MPs have privately said that they fear for their lives after the delivery of fatwas on them by clerics.

Good for them for standing up for what they believe in. As a bonus it looks like not only have they been cast out of this pernicious religion, but they’ve also got the chance to get a new mrs! They should rejoice.

Photos are from previous visits as we’ve that many of Park City there’s nothing left to take!

Thursday – hot and sunny.

Drive down to Hollywood beach and have a walk along the Hollywood Boardwalk. Its actually quite pleasant around here even if a little too popular but we still prefer Sarasota. 

Then in the afternoon we explore Fort Lauderdale Historic water front. Both very pleasant.

Then in the hope of finally getting a Toblerone Cheesecake, to replace the one that was Wendy scoffed 5 years ago, we call in on the way home at the massive Sawgrass Mills mall to visit the Cheesecake Factory. Alas no Toblerone Cheesecake anymore – deprived. Settle for a chocolate coconut one. After no sweets at dinner on the cruise I’ve weakened. Oh so sickly!

How this for feminine logic – an oxymoron if ever there was one. We’re in this ginormous mall, with as many shops as Muslims at a blasphemy riot. Then out comes another pearler – “There’s too much choice, it’s hopeless when you don’t know what you want”. Also note the word “want” and not “need”. 

For a real treat try watching Pierce Morgan interview Alex Jones on gun control http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p1Ddb3oa5CE. Alex is a real moron, so stupid that if he threw himself on the ground he’d miss. The thought of him owning a gun, is the best ever argument for complete gun control. There’s even a petition to get Pierce Morgan deported because of his stance on gun control.

Didn’t realise these new Columbia shirts are not only sun proof, sweat proof and mosquito proof but also red wine proof. It’s amazing as I nod off I happen to spill some red wine on my shirt – a rare event – the shirt just repels the wine, more than can be said for my shorts:-(

Apparently while we’ve been away the THREAT ALERTS IN EUROPE have been escalated to new highs:

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya, Egypt and Syria and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.”
The latest rise is precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniforms and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

A final thought – “Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC”.

Friday – hot and cloudy.

Drive up to Mouse Town.

Hotel is in the heart of Kissimee yet  very secluded, thankfully. Wendy’s moaning it’s not on Disney doorstep, as advertised, only minutes away – well actually it is, albeit 59 minutes. Come on Disney’s that big even the Disney hotels are miles away. When she sees the room she shuts up. It’s a massive one bedroom suite, king bed, two full bathrooms one with jacuzzi, kitchen, two TV’s, settee (couch) and comfy chairs. Wait for the price.  £60 a night including free breakfast and wifi that works and is reasonably fast. Amazing!

After lunch around the pool we go to Downtown Disney. Yet again. Wendy wants a browse around the stores – hope there’s not too much choice again.

I get a relaxing coffee and do some people watching and blogging, while Wendy spends an hour scouring the Disney store. It would have been a mortal sin not to. I thought she’d at least got me a Disney gift card or two or three or more:-7

This place is a real blobbie magnet, some of them even make Jabba the Hut look anorexic.

At last I get the label “GAP”, as a buxom wench in a skin tight tee shirt walks past, with two chapel hat pegs sticking out and the word “GAP” blazoned across her bosom. All these years and I’d never realised it was describing the valley of the shadow of death.

Meanwhile I notice that yet another of my favourite tee shirts looks like a Swiss cheese after only 10 years. Does nothing last these days. I suppose I could keep it as a fashion statement.

Hotel are offering us Disney tickets for $62.50 each – sounds good. Then towards the end of the transaction, thankfully before I’ve paid, it turns out I need to got to a 2 hour timeshare presentation with free buffet breakfast. No thank you. No mention of it anywhere in the advertising. Dodgy.

MacAngus burgers all round for dinner. Pretty good.

Then we come to look for our bag of electronics. Can’t find them anywhere. Allegations of who packed them, or didn’t pack them, as the case may be. Questions as to Wendy having checked the room was empty before we left. Despair. What a cock up. That’s a 400 mile round trip to go back and retrieve them. Accusations flying. Tempers fraying. Then Wendy suddenly remembers – oh I put them in my haversack rather than the suit case. Worrying thing is we both forgot!

More lunacy and more opportunities to riot and “stern action”.

The Sultan of Malaysia’s Selangor state has banned non-muslims from using the word ‘Allah’ (dam I’ve used it, that’s another country I won’t be visiting) claiming that it is a sacred word exclusive to Muslims.

A statement from the Islamic Affairs Council of the Selangor state says:

Sultan Sharafuddin Idris Shah made a decision and decreed that the word ‘Allah’ (not again) is a sacred word specific to Muslims and it is prohibited to be used by any non-Muslim in Selangor.

This fatwa includes unspecified stern action against those who disobey the decree and use the word allah (And again and not even a capital letter – tut, tut).

Saturday – hot 83F and sunny

After meeting such nice Canadians on our cruise we decide on a visit to Canada – only $93 each. So it’s off to Epcot. Canada 360 degree panorama and we’ve seen it all in 30 minutes – now that’s value for money.

Look at these two icons of the Great Britain. The phone box and post box, not Wendy. Why did they ever get rid of them? They were virtually vandal proof.

Have lunch in France – bread and cheese but alas no wine as I’m diving. Well I would be if some numpty, who will remain nameless, hadn’t forgot his PADI Dive Certification. It’s an age thing and I don’t like it. Fortunately they can check my certification out online.

Disney is as stunning as ever. Yes, we’ve been there many times but we never fail to be impressed with it all. Now they even have free wifi everywhere and it works. Question would we rather be in Colon Panama or Epcot? Give me civilisation any time.

Wendy had bought me a dive at Epcot DiveQuest. You get a behind the scenes look at the Seas exhibit and then do a 40 minute dive in the massive aquarium 205 ft in diameter and 25 ft deep over 200 different species of fish. It’s just an awesome experience. Where else can you 
swim up close, sometimes too personal, with sand tiger sharks; brown sharks; black nose sharks; green turtles; loggerhead turtles; spotted eagle rays; cow nose rays and the infamous southern sting ray. A tad disconcerting when you look to one side to see a large sting ray going past with its long tail just inches away, or come face to face with the mangy teeth of a shark. It’s my 2nd visit, all so well organised and one of all my all time favourite dives, so relaxing.

Interesting back stage. But when you approach the blue door, to go on stage with the guests, everyone is expected to put away the problems and cares of the day and just smile once they’re through that door.

Then it’s back to the hotel with Subway for dinner – now thats what I call food.

So Obama may issue an executive order to limit access to automatic and semi-automatic weapons. No chance of the sensible thing of a complete ban on firearms. That would be too much of an assault on Americas macho males penis extensions! Actually he could solve the sole gun problem and implement a total ban if he just rubbed out a letter “e” in the original of the 2nd Amendment. That way everyone could “bare arms”! Just think of the increased sales of short sleeve shirts and blouses.

Only in America could they raise the idea of minting a trillion dollar coin when they’re already $16 Trillion in debt.

Only in America do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

Only in America do they use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so they won’t miss a call from someone they didn’t want to talk to in the first place. 

Only in America do they buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America do they use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.

Sunday – hot and sunny.

Its the Magic kingdom today. Monorail ride is as exciting as ever. Wendy just loves this park and all the magic. Just think 500 years ago all these Disney geezers would have been burned at the stake for all their magic talk. 

As a devoutly religious person would say “it would be a sin to go to Florida and not visit Disney”. Wot adults with no kids. Magic Kingdom without kids is it a bit like Internet without graphics.

We get there about 11:00 and watch various shows and of course the main parade. Just like a kid, Wendy’s sat on the floor waiting eagerly for the highlight of the day, the main parade. Anyone would think we’ve never seen one before but the magics still there. You really have to give it them they know how to put on a show and entertain. 

Visit the new Fantasy Land – alas “It’s a small world” is still there. I still manage to beat Wendy on the buzz light year ride but the 10 year old in front of me has scored 10 times my score, puts me to shame. 

7 gruelling hours later we leave. Decide to give the fireworks a miss. It was a great day but where’s the stamina or have we learnt wisdom with age?

As we’re leaving down Main Street Wendy comes up with a feminine classic, “I’m just going to pop in here to see if there’s anything I want” – note the want and not need again. A friend explained an interesting Darwinian theory on women’s shopping habits. It goes back to the good old days when we were cavemen – hunters and gatherers. The men went out and hunted for a specific animal – food. Hence when we go shopping, we’re on a mission with a clearly defined objective. Whereas women go out and will browse the racks and shelves without even a clear need or even want in mind. Goes back to their role in the cave when they went out and gathered the fruits and berries which required quite a lot of browsing.

Continued details of the Revocation of Independence are posted below.

It has also been noticed that having traffic lights across the road (black top) is a serious health hazard when driving with the Sun visor down – you can easily miss the red lights as you can’t see them. All new roads will be built with traffic lights on the road side – just think how much steel you’ll save.

All new cars will no longer be built with one of those silly foot parking brake that require you to grope around n the dark of the footwell in order to find the minute release lever.

Monday – warm and sunny.

Late check out for our 18:30 flight back to the cold and snow. Joy. Never mind only 4 weeks to my proper holiday. 

We’ll be back!

Friday – hot, humid and sunny.

At 06:30 we sail into the Gatun Locks of the Panama canal. Some are up to see it. The smart ones have figured out that as we’re going in and coming back out we can see the same thing at a more civilised hour. Park up in the middle of Gatun lake; tender off those who are going on a tour; hang around a couple of hours; then return back through the same locks. Have to say it’s an impressive feat of engineering especially when you consider it was completed in 1914 and the major impact / saving it has on shipping. 

At last I manage to make a simple cheese sandwich for lunch.

Then we dock in Colon in Panama for 3 hours. Less said the better. As everyones advised not to go out the port area, supported by all travel advice I’ve seen. Even it’s own web site, it really seems a complete waste of time. Mind you we did have to pick up those who went on a tour. At least I finally managed to get onto free wifi and pick up 62 emails.

Glad we’ve seen the canal but Panama is just another one of those countries we won’t be coming back to.

Dinner was a tad disappointing should have gone to the buffet. Went along to the show. Thankfully there were no seats – looked like my worse nightmare of song and dance. Even Wendy wasn’t keen.

Early night watching Curb Your Enthusiasm Season 8 at long last – both seemed to nod off around the 3rd episode. Its as good as the rest we were just tired from all that exertion during the day.

TV on board isn’t bad, not that we watch it, but it does have some good films and documentaries on.

Only in America:

• Only in America could politicians talk about the greed of the rich at a $35,000 a plate campaign fund raising event.
• Only in America could people claim that the government is still discriminates against black Americans when they have a black President, a black Attorney General, and roughly 18% of the federal workforce is black.
• Only in America do they have terrorists kill people in the name of Allah and have the media primarily react by fretting that Muslims might be harmed by the backlash.
• Only in America could someone drinking a $5 latte and texting to his friends on an iPhone 4 complain that the government allows some people to make too much money.

Saturday – even hotter, more humid and sunny. Haven’t a clue on temperature just know its to dammed hot.

Dock in Puerto Limon, Costa Rica. We avoid any of the tours as they’re mainly rain forrest, saw enough in Oz; banana plantation, probably put me off bananas for life; coffee plantation – similar; Tortuga canal sounded interesting but it really is the wrong time of day to see wildlife – such as Sloth, 2 and 3 toed – and Wendy didn’t want to be consumed by mosquitos. Costa Rica sounds a progressive place, no standing army – country won Nobel Peace prize for disbanding armed forces; first democracy in South America; long period of peaceful existence and not  to forget 95% literacy rate!

So we decide on a stroll around town. Whilst we didn’t feel threatened or in danger, apart from the man traps and pits strategically placed around the streets which could have broken a few bones  – seems like someone steals the grids off the drains! Have to say it was the sort of chicken shit place that makes us appreciate even Blackburn. High police presence. Even though it seemed to consist of 12 year olds, with police baseball caps, riding mountain bikes whilst conducting lengthy conversations on the mobiles glued to their ear. Not even a MacDonalds and none of the supposedly free wifi worked.  Very disappointing, won’t be on our returns list. 95% literacy, well I can only assume all the kids were on holiday!

Afternoon around the pool with Kindle. Wendy watches Snow White and the Huntsman on the big pool screen. I manage to upset some Americans when I jump in the pool. Oh dear the’ve got a little water on their hair. What do they expect if they sit on the poolside, it’s a swimming pool for gods sake – not too bright!

Oh and it was my 63rd Birthday. Great cards and presents from the kids but alas at £3 a minute we didn’t want to fritter away their inheritance that fast on a phone home. Wendy bought me a Panama baseball cap and a Scuba dive in the Epcot aquarium with all the sharks, stingrays and multitude of other fish. Has she taken out an extra life policy on me?

Day 6 and I’m starting to look forward to getting back to the USA; some simple food – beans on toast; having severe wifi withdrawal symptoms. Funny it’s not email, and certainly not Facebook, I’m missing but just having the Internet to answer so many day to day queries.

Enjoyable meal with Alec and Ann, complete with obligatory birthday cake and Happy Birthday serenade from the crew. Comedy show then very late to bed 23:30 – Noddy well past Big Ears.

Can you believe it? Well yes I can!

Gunmen on motorcycles sprayed a van carrying employees from a community center with bullets, murdering five female teachers and two aid workers.

The director of the group that the seven worked for says he suspects it was the latest in a series of attacks directed at antipolio efforts in Pakistan. Some extremist muslims oppose the vaccination campaigns, accusing health workers of acting as spies for the United States and claiming the vaccine is intended to make Muslim children sterile.

Last month, nine people working on an antipolio vaccination campaign were shot and killed.

Sunday – hot and sunny. Pewk bags are out again, very rough.

Try an all time American classic for breakfast. Peanut butter and jam. Not one for my top 10 culinary delights.

Sea day. Now I’m really missing the Internet. So much I want to get done, I could even be earning some  money solving my next SQL problem. Frustrated! What’s the difference between a sea and an Ocean? How do you flatten XML in SQL? Whats the GDP of the World? Whats a Sloth like? Need a VRBO in the Smokies………..

Post a photo of Mum and eulogy on Facebook. Get some more emails.

Formal in the evening. Make the supreme effort with a tie. Ladies wear their pretty frocks.

Only in America:

• Only in America would people take rappers who brag about shooting people and selling drugs seriously when they complain the police are targeting them unfairly.
• Only in America would do they make people who want to legally become American citizens wait for years in their home countries and pay tens of thousands of dollars for the privilege while discussing letting anyone who sneaks into the country illegally just become American citizens.
• Only in America could the people who believe in balancing the budget and sticking by the country’s Constitution be thought of as “extremists.”
• Only in America can you have terrorists fly planes into buildings and have some people’s first thought be “what did we do to make them hate us?”
• Only in America does airport security put its hands on your underwear….while you’re wearing it.

Monday – hot with sun and cloud.

It’s Grand Cayman today. Been there before, a lovely civilised place. Free wifi at most cafes and it works.

I do the dive so it’s up and out early. Typical I’ve got a cold so shouldn’t really be diving. I miss out on the 1st. Mind you it’s an +80ft wall dive. Considering most people are only PADI Open Water Certified. Mind you Princess demand that only Open Air Certification will do! Open Water means a maximum depth of 60ft. It’s ok says the dive master if you want to just stay at 40-60 ft you can just swim above the group. Great idea. Your air supply packs up so you’ve got a 20 – 40 ft swim down to your buddy to get emergency air. Oh and on the way down you’ll need to take it slow to decompress your ears. I don’t think so. Sounds a recipe for disaster.

I do the 2nd dive which is a maximum 60 feet for 40 minutes. It’s the Paradise coral reef followed by a wreck dive. A great dive; warm; fabulous coral; turtles; loads of very colourful fish; 60 foot visibility; because it’s sunny above you really get the benefit of the colours of the fish and the wreck adds a pleasant change. My sort of fair weather diving.

Wendy and Ann have gone into the town for some retail therapy. Somewhat belatedly, thanks to our bus being 30 minutes late, I get to meet them and Alec, he’s been on the stingray snorkel tour, for a pleasant lunch at Breezes.Very pleasant.

After lunch I go with Wendy and Ann for a browse around the shops. Alec goes snorkelling from the beach. He found the coral and that better than his morning tour. After 60 minutes around the shops I’m kicking myself for not doing the snorkelling.

For a pleasant change at dinner we go up to the Horizon Court for the buffet.

Just one more sea day before we’re off this pirate floating gin palace and get to some free wifi!

What undesirable condition – answers on an email please?

Women in the Indonesian city of Lhokseumawe have been banned from riding astride motorbikes because of ludicrous fears that it distracts men drivers.

Civic leaders in the second largest city in Aceh province say they are clamping down on un-Islamic practices. Mayor Suaidi Yahya said:

Women sitting on motorbikes must not sit astride because it will provoke the male driver. It’s also to protect women from an undesirable condition.

It’s improper for women to sit astride. We implement Islamic law here.

Tuesday – hot and very sunny.

Sea day. Lounge around ship in the  morning; Wendy goes shopping and washing; I go to the Navigation at Sea Lecture in the afternoon. I was desperately trying to figure out what they’d try and sell me at the end – brass sextant, compass, map, telescope all marked with “Princess Cruise” no doubt. But no sales pitch – wow. What a cynic. Get a few of my questions answered at last. Key one about how stabilisers work and there effect on MPG. It turns out that when they’re deployed MPG goes down. Now a cynic may think that a few sick bags are probably cheaper than the extra fuel costs. Fortunately everyone knows that cynicism is not one of my strong points:-7.

After yet another lunch we go up on deck and try and find a sun lounger. I think the ship must be full of Germans. Yes, the towels are out in force. Supposedly moved if left more than 30 minutes – I wish. I’d cure them with a simple strategy. After 30 minutes throw towels, books and other personal space stake holders overboard. If they do it a 2nd time throw the owners overboard. Usual story plenty for everybody if everybody is reasonable but of course scrots are everywhere.

Pleasant evening meal in the buffet again with Alec and Ann. Some how it’s more relaxing than the formal dining room and the menu down there looked like it was an assembly of cruise last day  leftovers.

Only in America:

• Only in America could the government force a skating rink to have handicapped parking spots and Braille on the ATM machines.
• Only in America could the government collect more tax dollars from the people than any nation ever has before in all of recorded history, still spend trillions of dollars more that it has per year, and complain that it doesn’t have nearly enough money.
• Only in America can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
• Only in America do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Wednesday – don’t care about the weather it just one of those days from hell when we have to go through US Immigration.

Disembarkation was well organised and painless. But US Immigration, as always, manage to inflict the maximum amount of misery. 2 desks for Non-US and 10 for US. Fast moving US queue. Slow moving and getting longer Non-US queue. Then to turn up the misery one of the Non-US  misery inflicters disappears. 40 minutes to get my photograph and finger prints taken yet again. Do they want visitors? We love travel around the US but every time we encounter this crap we want to vote with our feet.

Why do we choose Hertz. There’s at least 4 pickup buses from every other company. The Hertz bus is about as rare as a woman’s liberation march organised by the Taliban. Perhaps Hertz have been taken over by US Immigration.

Hertz at least make up for it by giving us a one hell of an upgrade. Well seems like about a 10 car upgrade. We booked the cheapest, smallest car going and are entitled to a free upgrade, this time it’s to a roomy Ford Escape SUV. Mind you Perhaps I should hang onto it and take it up to Park City. 

Hotels a tad outside of Fort Lauderdale but I know I’m in heaven. Junk food in abundance even within walking distance (most un American I know). After all that cruise food there’s Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, Checkers, Starbucks, Johnny Rockets, Rainforest Cafe and best of all a Cheesecake factory – perhaps I might finally get my Toblerone Cheesecake. Start simple with a Subway.

Wendy’s excited as I’ve managed to start a download of the East Enders Omnibus for the whole of last week. Note the word started, at these wifi speeds it will probably be finished in time for our flight home next week – feel a Victor moment coming on.

Whilst we both enjoyed the cruise I think 10 days was just enough. So what did we like about it:

• Great service and friendly crew.
• Met some interesting people and made some good friends with Alec & Ann. Amazing how comfortable and easy to get on with some people are, like you’d always known them always.
• Cabin and balcony very comfortable.
• Even though the ship was full it was never really crowded anywhere – a really nice size.
• Photography course good.
• Port lectures were good.
• Enjoyed Aruba catamaran and snorkel; Cartagena was a lovely old city to explore; Panama canal was interesting and relaxing; dive in Grand Cayman was one of the best I’ve done.
• Good movies selection and TV even though we didn’t use it.

Acid test – will we cruise Princess again? Yes.

Continued details of the Revocation of Independence are posted below.

You will learn to eat using both a knife and fork at the same time.

To improve gourmet food in the UK, Taco Bell will get the royal seal of approval “By appointment to her majesty the queen” if they open a branch in every UK city. That’ll be one up on the French food snobs.

All restaurants and cafes will attend compulsory tea making classes. It will be illegal to serve tea with cream, half and half or hot milk. Putting milk in the cup first or last will however be left up to the individual establishments preference. After 6 months anyone found serving tea with cream or hot milk will be sent to Guantanamo Bay.

All petrol pump credit card machines will be reprogrammed to accept UK Post Codes (Zip codes to you).

Credit cards will use chip and pin to cut down on fraud – you know it makes sense.

Any organisation that is complicit in the deaths of 10,000 of our newly claimed citizens will be declared illegal. The NRA will therefore be declared illegal, it will be disbanded forthwith along with their political lobby. Members will receive a full refund of their membership fees.

Pavements (sidewalks to you) and cycle paths will be installed on all urban roads so that citizens can safely walk without the need for a gas guzzler.

Drive in booths will be abandoned. You can get out your gas guzzlers and walk. The exercise will do you good and help reduce obesity levels.

Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

Hussar and God Save the Queen!

Saturday – grey and rainy as we leave Sarasota and then hot and sunny by the time we get to Fort Lauderdale.

Relaxing motorway drive all the way. Cross the top of the Everglades and through the Cypress Preserve.

Comfort suite is looking a bit tired. Rooms ok but wifi’s crap.

Have a drive down to Deerfield Beach thinking we’ll have a pleasant coffee on the beach front – no chance. Not a single coffee shop in site.

So what’s the best seller been this Christmas here in the land of the free? Is it iPad, iPhone, even a kindle, barbie doll? No, it’s automatic rifles and automatic weapons – multiple killing machines. There sold out. If you rush you may be able to pick up a shotgun!! Lunacy. Why? Well after the recent massacre rather than reason prevailing citizens are afraid they’ll be banned – as if!

Sunday – very warm and sunny, 84F.

Leisurely breakfast. Complain to the manager about the crap wifi and carrier pigeon speed when you’re connected. As part of my economic evolution of a business theory (only when it hits the bottom line will they improve and evolve, so I’m helping them become a better business) I demand a partial refund and get $25 on a $62 room.

Drive down to the port to drop off the Hertz mobile. Hertz obviously don’t want the business nor do they want their cars back as it’s better hidden than a Utah liquor store. Of course I mention that it would be nice to see a sign – “ah it must have blown over”.

Whisked off to the ship or is it boat. Who knows, who cares, apart from the Captain who gives me some cause for concern as he sounds Italian – offices and crew first!

Takes an hour to board and they manage a grand total of 5 queues. Airports look out they’re beating you on number of queues. Overall it was not too bad. Apart from! Queuing to have your photograph taken in front of a mangy palm tree beach backdrop. Good to know they care about customer service so much and inflict a queue on you to start milking you before you’ve even boarded. Make it an optional extra queue for those who want it. Needless to say in true Victor style I refused. Rant over – at least for now.

I’m already getting Internet withdrawal symptoms, fingers shaking and hovering over an imaginary keyboard, incessant opening and closing the laptop lid and check signal strength. The hotel last night helped prepare me for our move around to the dark side of the earth. Yes piracy is still rife on the high seas. Wifi is $0.79 a minute. How will I cope? What’s more at these speeds we’ll be home before this blog has been sent.

Also a tad worrying to know we have an Italian Captain!

Went to the evening show which was just about tolerable as they only had 10 minutes singing and dancing, then an excellent comedian. Mind you the song of the Elvis like alpha male surrounded by scantily clad, glitzy bimbos had the catchy melody  “there’s only on carrot and I’m not sharing it”.

Monday – warm, sunny and rough seas. Pewk bags are out on the stairs!

Good news if there’s some lectures on this cruise with such scintillating subject as colonic irrigation; how to shop – as if Wendy needs that; how to buy jewellery; Go Smile – teeth whitening; the all time cruise classic – “Eat more to Weigh Less”; acupuncture – probably selling needles; bad hair day; good feet – the mind boggles;  photography with a confusing title of basic advance – either way I’m sure they’re selling cameras. Underlying theme, as always, merchandising opportunity.

We attend the Bridge lecture, along with a few others, thinking it’ll be an opportunity to learn Bridge. Alas they forgot to mention it was for advanced.

Opted for the Trivia but heavily discriminated against – too many American questions.

Photography lecture was quite informative and only 2 very short commercials. To be fair there is at least an Aruba port lecture, which was pretty good and didn’t really push shore excursions.

Go for formal afternoon tea. Silver service but alas no cucumber sandwiches. Bit depressing. Full of geriatrics – I know we’ll be there one day.

New Years eve, so dinners a formal night – lobster tails or pheasant on the menu. Means we are commanded to wear monkey suit, tuxedo, dark suit, evening gown or cocktail dress – sex dependent. I make a token effort with my off white jacket trousers, shirt and even a tie, my vibram soled trainers complete my sartorial ensemble. Wendy looks very elegant in her new dress she had for Christmas off me. I really don’t know why we bother, two of the blobbies on our table turned up in scruffy T Shirts. Mind you they were real numpties, had it all arse about face with “we’re getting dressed after dinner”. They could both talk for America.

I’ve no problem with people wearing what the heck they want, we’re on holiday and we’re paying. But if they say formal dress they should enforce it. Why don’t they just say “formal dress for those that want to”. In future I’ll be dammed if I’m going to use my luggage weight allowance on such non-essentials.

Go to the show which has a Welsh las singer comedian – very good. Great voice.

Then we go mad and have a drink in the crooners bar listening to pianist. Sadly most of the bars are deserted.

Manage to stay awake until 10:30 but pass on the midnight party. More food and balloons. We’re just boring, enjoy a good book in the cabin.

Watching Americans eat is fascinating. Eight of them, forks at the ready and not a knife in action anywhere. What a great business opportunity for “Bite Sized Portions” – food pre-cut into bite sized chunks. You could even branch out into small, medium and large gob sized chunks. Then there’s no need for a knife. Dragons Den here we come.

No current  religious nonsense to talk about but having just completed watching the Tudors perhaps I should mention a few things from our torrid past:

Newly formed Church of England, under Henry VIII, classes anyone who disagrees with them as heretics and proceeds to burn them at the stake – savages.

Tuesday – warm and sunny.

Another sea day of merchandising, phoney lectures and food, food, food! To be fair we went to the America 101 lecture, Cartagena Port Lecture and “Advanced” photograph, all were very good.

Evening showtime was a Motown song and dance. I avoided it. Wendy said it was crap – well not quite those words but that was the sentiment. Then we both went to the stand up comedian. He was good.

Wednesday – hot and sunny.

We’ve docked in Aruba. Up at the crack of sparrows – 06:15 – for breakfast, Go on a Catamaran / Snorkelling  tour at 08:00. Is this a holiday?

Two snorkelling sites ones in shore relatively calm with a few pretty fish and some rocks. I’m the only with a wet suit but there again I was the only one who didn’t look blue after the event. The 2nd site was at the Antilla shipwreck. Very rough sea but you were able to see the wreck pretty well and it wasn’t too deep. Would have made a good dive as the bottom was only 60 feet and you’d have escaped the rough swell. Wendy came along for the ride; acted as official photographer and enjoyed it and the rum punch. 

Sadly we Just got back to the port with enough time to buy the mandatory fridge magnet, not enough time for real shopping – I was devastated. Ship departed at 12:30, well it would have done if a party of Italians knew how to tell the time – perhaps it was the Captain.

Well Aruba looked lovely; some great beaches but like most of the Islands not really that much there. Sadly seen one, seen them all seems to be the general consensus on the Caribbean Islands.

Another food opportunity for lunch and did some Obama baiting over lunch with some Americans. Always a topic to get their blood boiling and a few rants going. Is especially entertaining if you encounter a true red neck. I wonder who did vote for hime. Last nights show of hands at the comedy show helped explain why the boat / ship was listing to the right – about 90% Republicans.

Afternoon we do a photo lecture walk about, where the lecturer puts into practice what he’s been preaching. Then it’s a port lecture on Limon, Costa Rica.

Flexible dining again, This time we drop really lucky and have not one but two professors on a table of 6. Subjects Statistics and Psychology, both an aid to a good nights rest. After mentioning how Ice cream is a cause of drowning at least one of them quietens down.

Showtime was a not so good hypnotist – cheap entertainment.

Thursday – very hot and very sunny.

It’s Cartagena, Columbia today. Hook up with Alec and Ann for a taxi ride from the port. We then all have a shuffle around the old Town. It’s a UNESCO World heritage site. Lovely old town. We were quite surprised how clean and pleasant it was, with some stunning balconies. You would be able to see pictures if I could afford the wifi. Wendy and Ann spent quite some time in the shops. I think Ann must be a very devout religious person as her approach to shopping is “it would be a sin not to go in these shops.” Alec and I found a great coffee shop, complete with free wifi (picked up emails on iPhone but alas no Facebook) and thankfully air conditioning. Juan Valdez coffee was some of the best Columbian coffee I’d ever had.

Boy was it hot outside. Fortunately most of the streets are shaded.

Well we survived Columbia. Didn’t get shot; mugged; robbed; raped, and no one tried to sell us any white powder. Apparently those are the highlights of one of tomorrows ports of call in Colon, Panama. What a lovely sounding place. With a name like that; all the crime and high rainfall just think of the challenge the marketing director for the tourist board faces trying to promote it.

Cruise departed at 14:30, seems another short port stay, but just enough time to enjoy a pleasant stroll around the old Town.

Afternoon consisted of cruise lecture on the Panama Canal – tomorrows port of call.

Welsh wench singer comedian for the evening show.

PICTURES WILL BE ADDED LATER WHEN WE GET OFF THIS PIRATE SHIP.

Continued details of the Revocation of Independence are posted below.

Hollywood will be required to occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

An inland revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

By the way we are not taking on your National Debt, we’ve got enough of our own. You got yourselves into it so you can pay your way out. However we will be imposing some austerity (look it up) measures. We are also recruiting for a financial guru to help you out of the mess. Bwankers need not apply as they got you into this mess and haven’t a clue on how to manage joey. The ideal candidate will be a working Mother with 2 or more kids who has successfully bought her family up on a low income without getting into debt problems.

Wednesday – warm, manages 79F, but a short monsoon downpour and grey afternoon.

Spend the day sorting Wendy’s Christmas presents. Return the failed dress and get our money back. Swap the dressing gown for a small – should have stuck with my gut instinct and bought the small, that’ll teach me to listen to shop assistants. Then spend sometime looking for a replacement dress. Waste of time, nothing seen – joy!

Here we go again. This is one of the people the PC fascists are avoiding upsetting with Christmas wishes – numpties.

Sydney’s Lakemba Mosque has issued a fatwa against Christmas, warning followers it is a sin to even wish people a Merry Christmas. The ruling was posted on its Facebook site on Saturday. The head imam at Lakemba, Sheikh Yahya Safi, told the congregation during prayers they should not have anything to do with Christmas.

Thursday – coldest day so far only manages 66F but brilliant sunshine. Lovely waking weather.

Drive out to the Crowley Museum and Park. Original 19 century Homestead and nature reserve. Sadly hardly see any birds or wildlife but a lovely walk and pleasant lunch.

Then we drive down to Anna-Maria Island but after 30 minutes driving down Longboat Key we give up. Obviously much further than we thought. Longboat Key is a lovely area plenty of stylish properties and condos but very little public beach access. Drive back through Armands Circle and I can feel the call of a skinny Gingerbread Latte from Starbucks. Very pleasant sat in the sun people and car watching – all those lazy geezers using valet parking. I can never understand it, that lazy they’d rather pay someone than walk a few yards and then have to wait an age to get their car back, in which time they could have walked to their car.

Wendy gets a new dress from one of the many chic shops.

Here they go again – banning Christmas:

Saudi religious police stormed a house in the province of al-Jouf, detaining more than 41 guests for plotting to celebrate Christmas, a statement from the police said.

The host of the alleged Christmas gathering is reported to be an Asian diplomat whose guests included 41 Christians, as well as two Saudi Arabian and Egyptian Muslims. The host and the two Muslims were said to be severely intoxicated.

The intolerant and repressive country only recognizes Islamic faith and practice and has in the past banned public Christmas celebrations, but is ambiguous about festivities staged in private quarters. 

Friday – warm, sun and cloud with rain at tea time.

Wendy’s tidying up and packing so I get from under the feet and go kayaking on Siesta Key. Leisurely morning around the Islands. Plenty of birds but alas no Manatees or Dolphins today. A great way to see the place and so very relaxing. One on one with my guide Martin, an ex-pat who really knows his stuff and has a real passion for it.

Really getting into the American way as I call in at Starbucks on my way home for my Gingerbread coffee – looks like I can get it with just coffee, none of this latte, froth and lashings of cream on top.

Finish off packing etc ready for our drive down to Fort Lauderdale tomorrow.

We’ve loved it here in Sarasota. There’s just so much to see and do.  We managed to visit most of the places on our list and I would gladly come back. Weathers been just lovely, not too hot and not too cold. A few days when we had a hour or so’s rain but no days where it was a total wet day. Weather that allows you to enjoy whatever it is you’re up to. Enjoyed the culture here. Diving’s not really that good. Kayaking is great and if I come again will do much more of it. Such a pleasant way to see the place and nature. Next time hopefully the Mayaka river will be a bit deeper so that I can get to do that – highly recommend kayakfl.com. Also want to explore Anna- Maria Island, Holmes beach, it come high recommended and there’s some great kayaking. I think we just have to become Snowbirds and do November and December out here – although next year we’ll probably get back home just in time for Christmas. 

Continued details of the Revocation of Independence are posted below. Please read (if you can’t read try and find someone who can), inwardly digest and obey.

In order to better appreciate English humour the following English comedies will be broadcast on every TV channel – “Fawlty Towers”, “Only Fools and Horse”, “one Foot in the Grave”. These will be the full blown English version and not any sanitised or censored US version.

American TV advert times will be quartered and must have a 15 interval between advertisement slots.

For a period of 3 months all the junk on your TV channels will be replaced British TV channels. Yes get used to it less than 30 quality channels to choose from rather than hundreds of dross. We believe you’ll thank us for it. There will be a referendum after the trial period to see whether you want to go back to the hundreds of free dross or pay $300 a year for British TV.

The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $12/US gallon. Get used to it.) The extra will go towards your health care system and of course some will be skimmed off the top by the Inland Revenue – taxman.

You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

Monday – Grey and overcast but at least it’s warm.

Wendy tootles off to the supermarket while I get some work done.

After lunch we go mad and go out for a short birding / nature walk to the “Red Bug Slough” – sounds appealing doesn’t it. Alas no gators just Anhingers and Osprey.

Tuesday – Warm 77F, sunny in the morning overcast in the afternoon.

Open our presents in bed. Didn’t we do well. I bought Wendy a dress and dressing gown. At least got one of them right, dressing gown ok but she’s not too sure on the dress. I’ve got a £100 to spend along with iPhone case and at last some handkerchiefs, . What is wrong with the World, Wendy tells me it quite difficult to find handkerchiefs these days.

Drive down to Siesta Key Beach – voted Americas No 1 beach – have a pleasant couple of hours with the Kindle, picnic lunch and people watching. This geezer and his wife turn up complete with a loaded porters trolley and a full cart. Then starts to erect all sorts of wind driven kites and flyers. Most amusing, gave us hours of fun. Awaited the arrival of family and children but alas none came seems that he’s just a big kid who enjoys his flyers etc.

Very pleasant at these temperatures, make such a change from being too hot and sweaty. Makes beaches quite attractive.

Beach is heaving further down, as crowded as Blackpool on a good day. Mind you it is so clean and just fine pure brilliant white sand. Full of American families having simple fun. Building sandcastles. Cycling and walking along the beach, some even swimming and surfing. After our lunch we have an hours stroll along the tides edge.

Then we go mad on the way back and treat our selves to a Starbucks. I get the chance to be really trendy and order a “skinny gingerbread latte” – how cools that.

All that remains left to do now is have our belated Christmas dinner. Alas no goose.

Continued details of the Revocation of Independence are posted below. Please read (if you can’t read try and find someone who can), inwardly digest and obey.

The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).

There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination of ‘-ize.’ 

You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without shooting someone, suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.

All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect.

We like the idea of turn right on red if it is safe to do so and just to show how open we are to your good ideas we will adopt it in the UK. You of course will have to learn it’s a turn left on red.

Immigration is a travesty with appalling queues and service for overseas visitor. In order to boost the economy and make you aware of the problem for the next year all overseas visitors will be given priority and American passport holders will be forced to queue like a visitor. The situation will be review at the end of the year to see whether you have learnt your lesson and improved the service.

The TSA will forthwith start using common sense – yes we appreciate that’s going to be difficult – but profiling will be a minimum requirement. You know it makes sense. Why should everyone be inconvenienced for a minority and we’ve had enough mumbo jumbo from the do-gooder PC thought police.

As you are predominantly a Christian Nation you will be required to cease this PC mumbo jumbo of wishing people happy holidays. Instead you will wish people Happy Christmas or Happy Easter as appropriate. Anybody who is offended, is obviously mentally deranged, and can apply for political asylum in some foreign country (not the UK) of their choosing.