20130110 – Mouse Town & Then Home

Thursday – hot and sunny.

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Drive down to Hollywood beach and have a walk along the Hollywood Boardwalk. Its actually quite pleasant around here even if a little too popular but we still prefer Sarasota. 

Then in the afternoon we explore Fort Lauderdale Historic water front. Both very pleasant.

Then in the hope of finally getting a Toblerone Cheesecake, to replace the one that was Wendy scoffed 5 years ago, we call in on the way home at the massive Sawgrass Mills mall to visit the Cheesecake Factory. Alas no Toblerone Cheesecake anymore – deprived. Settle for a chocolate coconut one. After no sweets at dinner on the cruise I’ve weakened. Oh so sickly!

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How this for feminine logic – an oxymoron if ever there was one. We’re in this ginormous mall, with as many shops as Muslims at a blasphemy riot. Then out comes another pearler – “There’s too much choice, it’s hopeless when you don’t know what you want”. Also note the word “want” and not “need”. 

For a real treat try watching Pierce Morgan interview Alex Jones on gun control http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p1Ddb3oa5CE. Alex is a real moron, so stupid that if he threw himself on the ground he’d miss. The thought of him owning a gun, is the best ever argument for complete gun control. There’s even a petition to get Pierce Morgan deported because of his stance on gun control.

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Didn’t realise these new Columbia shirts are not only sun proof, sweat proof and mosquito proof but also red wine proof. It’s amazing as I nod off I happen to spill some red wine on my shirt – a rare event – the shirt just repels the wine, more than can be said for my shorts:-(

Apparently while we’ve been away the THREAT ALERTS IN EUROPE have been escalated to new highs:

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya, Egypt and Syria and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they DSCF8359have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.”
The latest rise is precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniforms and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

A final thought – “Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC”.

Friday – hot and cloudy.

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Drive up to Mouse Town.

Hotel is in the heart of Kissimee yet  very secluded, thankfully. Wendy’s moaning it’s not on Disney doorstep, as advertised, only minutes away – well actually it is, albeit 59 minutes. Come on Disney’s that big even the Disney hotels are miles away. When she sees the room she shuts up. It’s a massive one bedroom suite, king bed, two full bathrooms one with jacuzzi, kitchen, two TV’s, settee (couch) and comfy chairs. Wait for the price.  £60 a night including free breakfast and wifi that works and is reasonably fast. Amazing!

After lunch around the pool we go to Downtown Disney. Yet again. Wendy wants a browse around the stores – hope there’s not too much choice again.

I get a relaxing coffee and do some people watching and blogging, while Wendy spends an hour scouring the Disney store. It would have been a mortal sin not to. I thought she’d at least got me a Disney gift card or two or three or more:-7

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This place is a real blobbie magnet, some of them even make Jabba the Hut look anorexic.

At last I get the label “GAP”, as a buxom wench in a skin tight tee shirt walks past, with two chapel hat pegs sticking out and the word “GAP” blazoned across her bosom. All these years and I’d never realised it was describing the valley of the shadow of death.

Meanwhile I notice that yet another of my favourite tee shirts looks like a Swiss cheese after only 10 years. Does nothing last these days. I suppose I could keep it as a fashion statement.

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Hotel are offering us Disney tickets for $62.50 each – sounds good. Then towards the end of the transaction, thankfully before I’ve paid, it turns out I need to got to a 2 hour timeshare presentation with free buffet breakfast. No thank you. No mention of it anywhere in the advertising. Dodgy.

MacAngus burgers all round for dinner. Pretty good.

Then we come to look for our bag of electronics. Can’t find them anywhere. Allegations of who packed them, or didn’t pack them, as the case may be. Questions as to Wendy having checked the room was empty before we left. Despair. What a cock up. That’s a 400 mile round trip to go back and retrieve them. Accusations flying. Tempers fraying. Then Wendy suddenly remembers – oh I put them in my haversack rather than the suit case. Worrying thing is we both forgot!

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More lunacy and more opportunities to riot and “stern action”.

The Sultan of Malaysia’s Selangor state has banned non-muslims from using the word ‘Allah’ (dam I’ve used it, that’s another country I won’t be visiting) claiming that it is a sacred word exclusive to Muslims.

A statement from the Islamic Affairs Council of the Selangor state says:

Sultan Sharafuddin Idris Shah made a decision and decreed that the word ‘Allah’ (not again) is a sacred word specific to Muslims and it is prohibited to be used by any non-Muslim in Selangor.

This fatwa includes unspecified stern action against those who disobey the decree and use the word allah (And again and not even a capital letter – tut, tut).

Saturday – hot 83F and sunny

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After meeting such nice Canadians on our cruise we decide on a visit to Canada – only $93 each. So it’s off to Epcot. Canada 360 degree panorama and we’ve seen it all in 30 minutes – now that’s value for money.

Look at these two icons of the Great Britain. The phone box and post box, not Wendy. Why did they ever get rid of them? They were virtually vandal proof.

Have lunch in France – bread and cheese but alas no wine as I’m diving. Well I would be if some numpty, who will remain nameless, hadn’t forgot his PADI Dive Certification. It’s an age thing and I don’t like it. Fortunately they can check my certification out online.

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Disney is as stunning as ever. Yes, we’ve been there many times but we never fail to be impressed with it all. Now they even have free wifi everywhere and it works. Question would we rather be in Colon Panama or Epcot? Give me civilisation any time.

Wendy had bought me a dive at Epcot DiveQuest. You get a behind the scenes look at the Seas exhibit and then do a 40 minute dive in the massive aquarium 205 ft in diameter and 25 ft deep over 200 different species of fish. It’s just an awesome experience. Where else can you 
swim up close, sometimes too personal, with sand tiger sharks; brown sharks; black nose sharks; green turtles; loggerhead turtles; spotted eagle rays; cow nose rays and the infamous southern sting ray. A tad disconcerting when you look to one side to see a large sting ray going past with its long tail just inches away, or come face to face with the mangy teeth of a shark. It’s my P11401372nd visit, all so well organised and one of all my all time favourite dives, so relaxing.

Interesting back stage. But when you approach the blue door, to go on stage with the guests, everyone is expected to put away the problems and cares of the day and just smile once they’re through that door.

Then it’s back to the hotel with Subway for dinner – now thats what I call food.

So Obama may issue an executive order to limit access to automatic and semi-automatic weapons. No chance of the sensible thing of a complete ban on firearms. That would be too much of an assault on Americas macho males penis extensions! Actually he could solve the sole gun problem and implement a total ban if he just rubbed out a letter “e” in the original of the 2nd Amendment. That way everyone could “bare arms”! Just think of the increased sales of short sleeve shirts and blouses.

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Only in America could they raise the idea of minting a trillion dollar coin when they’re already $16 Trillion in debt.

Only in America do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

Only in America do they use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so they won’t miss a call from someone they didn’t want to talk to in the first place. 

Only in America do they buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America do they use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.

Sunday – hot and sunny.

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Its the Magic kingdom today. Monorail ride is as exciting as ever. Wendy just loves this park and all the magic. Just think 500 years ago all these Disney geezers would have been burned at the stake for all their magic talk. 

As a devoutly religious person would say “it would be a sin to go to Florida and not visit Disney”. Wot adults with no kids. Magic Kingdom without kids is it a bit like Internet without graphics.

We get there about 11:00 and watch various shows and of course the main parade. Just like a kid, Wendy’s sat on the floor waiting eagerly for the highlight of the day, the main parade. Anyone would think we’ve never seen one before but the magics still there. You really have to give it them they know how to put on a show and entertain. 

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Visit the new Fantasy Land – alas “It’s a small world” is still there. I still manage to beat Wendy on the buzz light year ride but the 10 year old in front of me has scored 10 times my score, puts me to shame. 

7 gruelling hours later we leave. Decide to give the fireworks a miss. It was a great day but where’s the stamina or have we learnt wisdom with age?

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As we’re leaving down Main Street Wendy comes up with a feminine classic, “I’m just going to pop in here to see if there’s anything I want” – note the want and not need again. A friend explained an interesting Darwinian theory on women’s shopping habits. It goes back to the good old days when we were cavemen – hunters and gatherers. The men went out and hunted for a specific animal – food. Hence when we go shopping, we’re on a mission with a clearly defined objective. Whereas women go out and will browse the racks and shelves without even a clear need or even want in mind. Goes back to their role in the cave when they went out and gathered the fruits and berries which required quite a lot of browsing.

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Continued details of the Revocation of Independence are posted below.

With immediate effect all Restrooms are to be relabelled Toilets, WC or even Pissort. They are not places for resting in and this name attracts all sorts of undesirable persons and activities.

It has also been noticed that having traffic lights across the road (black top) is a serious health hazard when driving with the Sun visor down – you can easily miss the red lights as you can’t see them. All new roads will be built with traffic lights on the road side – just think how much steel you’ll save.

All new cars will no longer be built with one of those silly foot parking brake that require you to grope around n the dark of the footwell in order to find the minute release lever.

Monday – warm and sunny.

Late check out for our 18:30 flight back to the cold and snow. Joy. Never mind only 4 weeks to my proper holiday. 

We’ll be back!

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