Tony & Wendy's Travel Blog

Monday – hot and sunny.

Visit Graceland. I’m not really an Elvis fan but Wendy is, sort of. Must say I found the mansion tour interesting and some of the other tours that were included. Very well done. Quite surprising how small Graceland’s is. Overall an enjoyable day out and not bad value. Spoilt however by more retail opportunities than Taliban’s at a stoning.

You have to be impressed with his lifetime achievements. What a waste of a life though.

Wendy downloads his Hitstory album off iTunes – very switched on. She’ll be wanting music on her iPhone next.

Universal law of nature “whenever someone offers to take your photo they always cut your feet off”.

You know you’re in a civilised area when the supermarkets sell wine and  you see both Starbucks and Bestbuy in the neighbourhood. Whilst dodgy areas offer Dollar General, Check Cash and Bail Bonds.

Another Taco Bell, awesome.

Getting ready for the dumb laws in Missouri:

It is illegal to have oral sex.

Single men between the ages of twenty-one and fifty must pay an annual tax of one dollar (enacted 1820).

In this small town of only 4,000, yard waste may be burned any day except Sunday.

Though clotheslines are banned, clothes may be draped over a fence.

One may not drink in a bar between 2:00 and 6:00 AM.

I’m all for a secular World but come on lets have a little common sense. Another example of what happens when you let the clowns in politics, especially the loony left, dabble in education:

Schoolchildren in the northern Spanish region of Asturias will no longer be able to call Christmas by its name now that a new law passed by the local education ministry prohibits the use of “religious” terms in the classroom when referring to the December and spring holidays.

Tuesday – torrential downpour but warm as we leave Memphis. Sunny by the time we get to St Louis.

Decide to move on to St Louis today as there’s not much more we want to see in Memphis. Apart from Graceland can’t help feeling a bit disappointed by Memphis. Beale Street was a scruffy dump, although BB Kings Blue Club had some atmosphere and good music.

Visit the Arkansas Welcome Centre in West Memphis to see if there’s anything worth seeing on our way up to St Louis. Just like West Memphis, Arkansas seems to have nothing to offer. On the way up we think there’s a Tornado up ahead but it’s a funnel of black rain coming down.

The devastation in Oklahoma City is just terrible, +20 killed and 8,000 homes destroyed. Perhaps its a good job we didn’t go to Oklahoma City after all.

Drive up through Arkansas. Sorry no photos, it was just boring farm country, the rice capital of the USA, nearly as boring as Idaho, but at least it’s green. Then we’re into Missouri, more farm country but at least a bit of character.  

After a 4 hour drive, rocking to the music of the King, we arrive in St Louis.

Wow we’ve finally escaped the bloody Bible belt and it’s fanatical Blue Laws. Civilisation – wine, liquor and beer on the shelves of the supermarkets. Friendly people who smile and say “Welcome, how y’all ding”. When I reply “Great, how you doing” she says “the Lord’s saved me”. Then the checkout women wishes us a “blessed day” , nice even if wasted on me. Goodbye to “Tennessee – the Groucho state”, the most unfriendly and miserable State we’ve ever been to – must be the Hill Billies.

Watching the Weather Channel looks like we were wise to leave Memphis. There’s severe thunder storm watch advisory and severe flood warnings. Just seen some of the storms in Arkansas they’re horrendous with the potential for more tornados. Apparently we need a helmet as part of our Tornado protection plan.

Watched a Bible bashers show. Step out of poverty by picking up the phone, ringing this number now and pledge a $1 a day now to release the supernatural in your life. God will take you from a natural failure to supernatural success. Invite Jesus into your boat and stand on the word of god. Touch the Lord. 124 out of 200 lines occupied. Sounds like a sure way to move from failure and poverty, to a bigger failure and $365 more poverty.  Numpties. Unbelievable. Picking on the stupid. Should be illegal.

Love this joke.

A guys managed to get a complete copy of the Koran on a CD. He burned a few copies for friends and then the riots began.

More laws:

You can not have a antenna exposed outside of your house yet you can have a 25′ satellite dish.

Installation of bathtubs with four legs resembling animal paws is prohibited.

Minors are not allowed to purchase cap pistols, however they may buy shotguns freely.

Minors can buy rolling paper and tobacco but not lighters.

Sounds familiar, is it the same guy or are the Evening Telegraph just re-running old news on quiet days:

A TEACHER at a Blackburn mosque has appeared before the town’s magistrates charged with assaulting two of his pupils.

Catherine Allan, prosecuting, told the court Mahmad Hajat worked at the Cumberland Street Mosque where it was alleged he had ‘grabbed, hit and slapped’ the pupils.

The court heard the two victims were aged seven and eight at the time.

Conditions of bail include not to teach at the mosque and not to have unsupervised contact with any child under the age of 16.

A spokesman at the mosque confirmed Hajat was no longer teaching students but declined to comment further on the issue until the case had been heard.

Saturday – hot and sunny.

Forgot to mention the first culinary highlight of our trip. In the USA 4 weeks and finally last night get my first Taco Bell – pure joy.

Drive down to the music district, thinking we could do a walking tour. Turns out to be a bit of a damp squid, apart from a photo outside the “World famous” RCA studios -we remember that record label.

Never mind next stop Grand Old Opry (new location)  and the museum. Car park is the largest I’ve ever seen and it’s full. But it was designed and laid out by an idiot. How do I know this. There are no row numbers; cartoon characters; animals logos or any other way to identify which row you’re on. Common sense is such rare commodity we should treasure it.

Alas the museum was closed down after the flood of 2010. As for the Grand Ole Opry there was a graduation ceremony from one of the local medical colleges. Never seen so many black faces makes up for the scarcity in East Tennessee.  Apparently it’s a famous black college. Is this reverse segregation? No of course not, it’s just that there aren’t so many whites who go there. Great to see so many proud families celebrating their big day.

Never mind there’s always the Opry Mills Mall to fall back on – I’m orgasmic.

Interesting rules in the Opry Mills Mall – you must be identifiable and not cover your face – wonder what they do when a yashmak turns up? Certainly be interesting to have that rule in Blackburn’s new Mall.

Getting ready for our trip into Arkansas I thought we’d better review their laws:

A law provides that school teachers who bob their hair will not get a raise.
A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.
Oral sex is considered to be sodomy.Alligators may not be kept in bathtubs.
The Arkansas River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.

Looks like the laws are as boring as the state. Perhaps we’ll give Little Rock a miss.

I’ve never liked twitter but now I could be tempted:

Saudi religious leaders throw a few trivial insults at Twitter usersThe head of Saudi Arabia’s religious police has warned citizens against using Twitter, which is rising in popularity among Saudis.

Sheikh Abdul Latif Abdul Aziz al-Sheikh made up a few nonsense claims and pronounced that anyone using social media sites – and especially Twitter – has lost this world and his afterlife .

The sheikh’s comments echo those of the imam of the Grand Mosque in Mecca in April who used his sermon – seen by millions on TV – to warn that Twitter was a threat to national unity.

Earlier, Saudi Arabia’s grand mufti, the kingdom’s most senior Muslim cleric, had unimaginatively dismissed Twitter users as fools .

Saudi authorities have mooted moves that could inhibit Twitter users by linking their online accounts to their Saudi ID numbers.

What are they frightened of, as if we didn’t know. What about Facebook, you’d think it would at least get an honourable mention!

Sunday – raining as we leave Nashville but very hot and sunny in Memphis.

Pleasant 3.5 hour drive to Memphis.

Check into Comfort Suites which is an experience all of it’s own. Wrong room allocated, well 201 looks like 401; 201 smells; 303 is a spacious and well furnished suite, even has 2 TV’s and wet bar – mind you will I be able to buy alcohol; Internet doesn’t work. It seems to be a feature of Choice Hotels just lately that there’s always something wrong. It gets fixed quickly but inspect the room first and check the wifi before moving in. Says it all when you consider that we don’t bother checking the electricity or water works, that’s taken for granted. Perhaps one day wifi will be the same. 

Drive down to the World famous Beale Street, “The roots of Blues music and Rock and Roll”. Certainly has atmosphere, mind you so does Whaley range in Blackburn, but I suppose this place does have history and character.

Eat at famous BB Kings Blues Club complete with live blues music. The place looks a bit run down and believe me the paintings fall off the wall, one nearly decapitated an old lady. But I suppose you have to admit it does have an ambiance all of its own. And the aficionados seemed to appreciate the music.

Fried green tomatoes with garlic cream, strawberry jam and caramelised onions. What pervert dreamt that up. Delicious.

Well I think by now we can recognise Blues music.

Well that was Beale Street, Memphis. A scruffy dive. BB Kings Blues club had plenty of “atmosphere”; live blue music from a blind musician, of course; fried green tomatoes for dinner.
Glad we’ve seen it but won’t be going back. Sadly overrated.

More Laws in Arkansas

It is illegal to kill “any living creature”.

Honking one’s car horn at a sandwich shop after 9 PM is against the law.

No one may “suddenly start or stop” their car at a McDonald’s.

Flirtation between men and women on the streets of Little Rock may result in a 30-day jail term.

It is unlawful to walk one’s cow down Main Street after 1:00 PM on Sunday.

Dogs may not bark after 6 PM.

Get you prayer mats out. Islam could become dominant UK religion in 10 years

London – According to a new analysis of 2011 UK census, one in 10 people under 25 are Muslim, Christianity is declining 50 percent faster than previously thought and in 10 years Islam may become the dominant religion with only a minority identifying as Christian.
The analysis of the 2011 UK census by the Office for National Statistics (ONS) revealed that earlier analysis which showed only a 15 percent decline in Christianity was bolstered about 1.2 million foreign-born Christians such as Polish Catholics and Nigerian evangelicals. That is, foreign-born Christian immigrants masked the extent of decline of Christianity among the British-born population.
The Telegraph reports that the latest analysis showed that there were 5.3 million fewer British-born people professing Christianity, a decline of 15 per cent in a decade, and about 6.4 million increase in people describing themselves as having no faith.
In the same period, the number of of people professing Islam in England and Wales rose sharply by 75 percent. This massive surge was caused by about 600,000 foreign-born or immigrant Muslims.
According to The Telegraph, the massive demographic shift is being driven significantly by young people. The census analysis showed that nearly half of British Muslims are under the age of 25 and nearly a quarter of Christians over 65. The proportion of young British who describe themselves as “Christian” even in the “nominal” sense, has dropped below half for the first time. But in the past 15 years the British Muslim population has gone through a dramatic surge increasing by 75 per cent in England and Wales.The ONS calculated on the basis of the demographic trend that although Christianity is still the dominant religion in the UK with about 50 percent of the population claiming the Christian religion, in 10 years only a minority will identify as Christian.

Come on you atheist and agnostics, get out there and spread the word. If that fails then go procreate. Let’s have a secular democracy that protects the right of everyone to practise their own religion including atheism or agnosticism. The separation of religion and state is the foundation of secularism. It ensures that religious groups don’t interfere in affairs of state, and makes sure the state doesn’t interfere in religious affairs.

Thursday – hot and sunny.

We escape Hill Billy country (picture of our neighbours), we think, and drive 200 miles up to Nashvile. Pleasant drive.

Interesting billboard “Make your man happy”. How? Sex? A nice meal? Wine – forget that this is Tennessee? All wrong. Buy him a razor sharp, lethal bowie knife.

Book to go to the Grand Old Opry at the original Ryman Hall.

Have a walk around Broadway, the music district, and then have dinner in one of the many live music bars. Pork Loin on Texas Toast, well looks more like thick bacon, at least its not that thin bacon that shatters like broken glass when you cut into it. Two girls are sat in the corner playing guitars and screeching for tips. If I wasn’t deaf before I certainly am now.

By now it’s in the 90’s outside.

The Grand Old Opry show has a selection of Country and Western stars, most of whom we’ve never heard of but the rest of the audience seem to know them. At least we have heard of Crystal Gale. Ironically, we’re probably the only ones there who aren’t rabib Country and Western fans, yet we’re approached before the show to see if we’d like to go up on stage; brief interview with Larry Gatlin; then seats on the stage for the performance; free popcorn; free giant Pepsi’s. We go for it, it would be a sin not to.

About 15 minutes into the performance this tall gaunt looking geezer, who’d give any child under the age of 10 nightmares, starts doing an advert for Cracker Barrel at lightning speed with an accent so strong you could bottle and sell it  – we’re incredulous and crack up laughing.  It’s a miracle we even picked out the word Cracker Barrel. What’s wrong with this country. You pay to go to a concert and you still can’t escape their inane adverts. Turns out the whole show is going out on WSM radio.

Larry introduces us as some folks from “Good olde England” and escorts us onto this hallowed stage, Elvis, Dolly and Johnny Cash to name but a few trod on these very same boards we’re now on. Larry’s a tad disappointed when Wendy answer his “What have we seen in Nashville?”, with “well we’ve been to New Orleans but actually we’ve only just got here”. The “actually” goes down a treat. Escorted to our luxury, on stage seats – at least they have cushions rather than the hard Church style pews. An interesting experience, not only are we on the stage at the Grand Old Opry but we’re on National radio as well. Fame at last.  For some obscure reason Wendy gets Crystal Gayle’s autograph – not that you can read it.

Good show but they manage to bring a bible thumping session by singing gospel songs on demand, really gets all but two of the audience going – thank the lord, hallelujah!

By the time we get out, Broadway is really buzzing.

Drive back to the hotel with the hinderance of a dyslexiic SatNav system that thinks we’re on a pushbike and decided to takes us a circular ride around Nashville – ignore her.

Friday – wet and grey but warm.

Drive up to Mammoth Cave National Park, a mere 80 miles away. Not only another great National Park; free; great visitors centre, even free wifi; a World Heritage site; a biosphere reserve. Of course there has to be a superlative, it’s twice as long as any known cave.

Pity it was raining but good day to be underground. I did a 2 hour guided tour of the caves. I’ve had some great ranger led tours but this has to be the tops. Superb narrative; mixture of great scientific facts / explanation; fascinating history of the founder;  answers to questions; safety talk. Wendy passed on it and given the narrowness and difficulties of the tour it was a good job she did – certainly not for the claustrophobic. Interesting to think how most Americans dealt with the FACTS of a 400 million year old cave system. Can the Bible belt cope with such heresy?

Joy, still in the dry Bible belt. Finally found a liquor store. Hello America this is the 21st century. To top it all there’s more gun shops. Obviously the Bible bashers are ok with a bit of senseless killing – even on a Sunday! And to top it all I wanted an alcohol free beer down in Nashville yesterday, but stood more chance of buying a bible in a Taliban book store.

Sure can tell we’re still in the Bible belt, can’t even go for a pee without religion intruding, there over the urinal is a picture of Jesus on the cross with “He suffered for us”. Mind you can you imagine the riots and deaths if that had been a picture of Mohamed!

Tuesday – hot and sunny.

Whitewater rafting today, although Wendy gives it a miss. Drive over to Hartford NC. Downtown consists of a restaurant and a garage but it’s classed as a town.

In case you’re wondering in the pictures I’m the one not smiling or waving – you might have guessed.

Rafting the Upper Pigeon Forge river, a class 3 – 4 river and today the waters high, as there’s been plenty of rain, so we get a fast and turbulent ride. 

Grade 1: Very small rough areas, might require slight maneuvering. (Skill level: very basic)

Grade 2: Some rough water, maybe some rocks, might require some maneuvering. (Skill level: basic paddling skill)

Grade 3: Whitewater, small waves, maybe a small drop, but no considerable danger. May require significant maneuvering. (Skill level: experienced paddling skills)

Grade 4: Whitewater, medium waves, maybe rocks, maybe a considerable drop, sharp maneuvers may be needed. (Skill level: whitewater experience)

Grade 5: Whitewater, large waves, large volume, possibility of large rocks and hazards, possibility of a large drop, requires precise maneuvering. (Skill level: advanced whitewater experience)

Grade 6: Class 6 rapids are considered to be so dangerous that they are effectively unnavigable on a reliably safe basis.

Start off with signing the all important waiver document; followed by a safety briefing, that’s enough to put anyone off; issue life jacket (well they can’t call them that because the lawyers say it implies that they will save your life), helmet, paddle and splash jacket for those that are nesh.

Then it’s all aboard a typical school bus to the launch site. Wendy comes on the bus to take pictures as we raft down.

It was a thrilling raft ride. After listening to the safety briefing and how to ride down on your back if you fall in I make sure the laws of physics will keep me on board. My feet are well wedged in and under the seat in front. Certainly not strenuous but you do get very, very wet and the waters dam cold this time of year.

My rafts got an American couple in it as well as our guide. They rabbit on incessantly, asking the most inane questions. Is that a rock? Is that a tree trunk? Is the water cold? They’d already been told the water was wet so at least that saved a question.

A great experience and worth the money. I think it would be even greater to do it in a kayak – perhaps next time.

Of course at the end there’s a merchandising opportunity and the all important photo’s. But I have to say they’re not greedy price wise. You can see them on the screen and get about 20 good photos on a CD for you to do with as you wish – no stupid copy right.

Drive back through the foothills of the Smokies. Very lush and pretty.

One small step on the way to World domination by the religion of peace:

Nigerian President Goodluck Jonathan has declared a state of emergency in three north-eastern states of Nigeria after muslim extremists took control of a number of villages and towns. 

Army troops have been ordered to the affected states of Adamawa, Borno and Yobe, while politicians have been told to remain at their posts. 

Islamic extremist group Boko Haram is said to be behind most of the attacks that have killed close to 3,000 people in the last few years. Boko Haram has openly declared that its mission is to drive out all Christians from the North and make Nigeria an Islamic state.

Another place to avoid.

Wednesday – very hot and sunny.

Lazy day before we set off on our road trip. Drive down to Pigeon Forge to visit a quilt shop and stroll around the Old Mill Shopping area. Fortunately there’s someone throwing pots so at least it’s not too bad. 

Sat in rocking chairs having a coffee and people watching. It’s such a lovely day. Why is it that bigger is better. Bigger cars; bigger portions; bigger ice creams; bigger yogurts, almost bucket sized must be 10 times the size of a standard UK yogurt; bigger drinks, why would anyone want 2 pints of coffee or coke. End result is bigger people. Bit of people watching reveals some terrifying ad hoc statistics. Of a sample of people observed, 23 were obese and only 4 were what you could describe as normal, there was only 1 svelte geezer. Mind you that would imply that obese is the new norm – enough to put you off eating for life. This really is the blobby capital of America. Mind you there aren’t many bloodies on the trails. Another useless fact is that in the two weeks we have been here I have only noticed 2 blacks and 3 Muslims. Why is that I wonder?

The other thing I find cloyingly obsessive around here is the constant religious references. Every where you look; in all the shops; on notices they’re quoting the Lord or Jesus.

Then we encounter more lunacy whereby you can drink wine and beers inside a restaurant but not on their enclosed patio. Never mind we’re heading away from the Bible belt and hopefully towards some sanity.

And I thought the blue laws on alcohol here in the Bible belt were extreme:

Gunmen armed with silenced weapons shot dead 12 people at alcohol shops in the Iraqi capital on Tuesday.

With alcohol forbidden by Islam, Baghdad liquor stores are an attractive target for fundamentalist groups, made more so because they are often staffed by religious minorities.

I wonder what religion the gunman were?

Well tomorrow we leave. Hill Billy country has been interesting and we’ve really enjoyed it, although we have to say that of all the places we’ve been in America, especially considering the tourism around here, we did not find the locals that friendly. A lot of the people we have encountered certainly seem to be “slow bouncers”. We’ll miss the Smokies, they are awesome. But as for Pigeon Forge and Gatlinburg, we’ll be glad to not have to drive through them again. To put it into perspective, imagine having to drive down the golden mile at Blackpool just before you enter the Lake District National Park.

Alas we’ve not really seen any Black Bears and certainly not been fortunate enough to see any on our deck like some people, but Wendy’s taken a picture to make up for it. Mind you we did manage to get a picture of the friendly lizard that Wendy terrified the other night.

Sunday – warm and sunny.

Set off for a short hike up to Grotto falls, its a fairly strenuous and rocky in places. Manage to squeeze pass the blobby hill billie family, all of them so wide they’re taking up the whole of the path. Just love their hiking footwear ranges from flip flops, ballet style shoes to bright purple trainers, but you can tell they’re seasoned hikers as there’s not a pair of high heels on any of them – mind you they probably don’t make high heels strong enough. I’ll  be amazed if they make it. We pass them again on our way back down, 90 minutes later, and they’re still only half way up. 10 out of 10 for perseverance.

We’d always thought that Disney Orlando was the blobby magnet of the World but Pigeon Forge and Gatlinburg take that accolade by about 5 stone. Gatlinburg even seems to have recognised the issue by placing forms all along their pavements so that the weary hikers can sit down and rest their excess blubber as they go from fudge shop to ice cream shop to burger joint. Fortunately there’s a bypass around Gatlinburg so at least on the way to the beauty of the Smokies you don’t have to drive through that glitz and flab.

Wendy makes a fair but constant pace, puts some of the youngsters to shame, who keep stopping for a rest. Halfway up Ranger Wendy, notices the signs of bears having passed this way, and gives an impromptu tutorial to a family of 4 on what to do if you encounter a bear – she was obviously listening when we were given our bear training.

A nice hike and waterfall at the end, but alas no bears.

I think I’ve commented many times on the decline in manners in the USA but it’s getting worse. Hardly anyone on this busy walk says thank you when you pause to let them pass. Wendy’s hit the nail on the head though. They’re mainly day trippers, just like your Sunday drivers, whereas your regular hikers, and even walkers, are more courteous.

They’re really bright around here. Women approaches toilet door “y’all locked up” slurred in that Hill Billie drawl. But then eventually the light clicks “y’ll perhaps someun in there”.

Only 1 in 10 UK Christians seeks moral guidance from religion according to research carried out for the Richard Dawkins Foundation.

UK residents who think of themselves as Christian show very low levels of Christian belief and practice, 
according to new research.

Overall, the findings suggest that the number of UK adults self-identifying as Christian has fallen significantly since the 2001 Census. This research found that at the time of the 2011 Census, just over half (54%) the public thought of themselves as Christian, compared with almost three-quarters (72%) in the 2001 Census.

Welcoming the findings of the research, Richard Dawkins said:

“Despite the best efforts of church leaders and politicians to convince us that religion is still an important part of our national life, these results demonstrate that it is largely irrelevant, even to those who still label themselves Christian.

“When it comes to belief, practice or even the most elementary knowledge of the Bible, it is clear that faith is a spent force in the UK, and it is time our policy-makers woke up to that reality and stopped trying to impose beliefs on society that society itself has largely rejected.

“In the past, there have often been attempts to use the Christian figure in the Census to justify basing policy on the claim that faith is important to the British people. This time, any attempt to do so will clearly be inexcusable.”

As it’s Mothers day here I treat Wendy to  sickly giant cup cake – bigger and better as always.

Having strayed into North Carolina I thought we’d better check up on their dumb laws:

It is a felony to steal more than $1000 of grease

A bill has been passed that restricts local planning agencies’ ability to use climate change science to predict sea-level rise.

A marriage can be declared void if either of the two persons is physically impotent.

It’s against the law to sing off key.

Elephants may not be used to plow cotton fields.

While having sex, you must stay in the missionary position and have the shades pulled.

If a man and a woman who aren’t married go to a hotel/motel and register themselves as married then, according to state law, they are legally married.

Monday – warm and sunny.

Big day today as we tackle the Appalachian Trail – a 2,000 mile hike up the East from Georgia all the way up to Main – fortunately today we’re only doing a few mile of it it the Smokey Mountains. It’s a strenuous and very rock trail. We go from the Newfound  Gap up to the Ice Spring shelter. A hard 6 miles but some great views and Wendy’s back can just about manage this distance before becoming a problem. I was expecting it to be more like striding edge as we were walking across the top ridge. Fortunately for my knees it was quite wide so I managed to stay upright all the way. A tad disappointing as there just weren’t the views either side as we’d anticipated. A strenuous 4 hours but worth it.

Have you noticed the lazy stupidity that seems to overtake people when in car parks. Just love it when they’ll wait for ages while a family of 6 loads there pram, shopping, Zimmer framed Grandma and 3 dogs into a car so that they can park in their space, if they ever managed to find reverse and back out. In the meantime these inconsiderate Hill Billies have a queue of 64.5 cars waiting behind them. I wouldn’t mind there’s loads of empty space just around the corner and the lazy blobbies will be using the lift anyway.

What is it with American toilet doors? There’s alway big gaps around them so people can peer in. Are they a nation of perverts or are their handymen incompetent.

You’re probably wonder what the local industry around here is. Well apart from tourism it seems that every other place is manufacturing rocking chairs. No idea where they sell them all to as there’s already an excess everywhere you look.

More stupidity in North Carolina:

All couples staying overnight in a hotel must have a room with double beds that are at least two feet apart.

It is illegal to have sex in a churchyard.

Oral sex is considered a crime against nature.

A three dollar tax must be paid on all white goods sold.

Organizations may not hold their meetings while the members present are in costume.

Bingo games may not last over 5 hours unless it is held at a fair.

Serving alcohol at a bingo game is not allowed.

Persons in possession of illegal substances must pay taxes on them.

Friday – sun and cloud but warm and humid.

Hike – so much more macho than walking – 3 trails today. Drive up to Jakes trail, then onto Cucumber and then Little River trail. A lot of bleating and moaning from Wendy as It’s all up hill for the first half and then we get the benefit of the downhill 2nd half. 6 miles in total. Lavish lunch half way through of cheese, tomato and egg butty, sat in the rain. We sure know how to live. Anyway Wendy survives it including a very brave stream crossing, at least it proved her new shoes are waterproof, what a trooper – girl guides here she comes.

Encounter a real mix of hikers on the way from day trippers in shorts and sandals to Rambo like backpacker, complete with camouflage poncho with his World in his backpack.

On the way home call in at Townsend, another dry county, but if you drive down to the next county and all is well. Unbelievable, 21st Century in what they believe is the most civilised and advanced country in the World and people put up with this religious crap. 

18:00 is the Dolly parade in Pigeon Forge so we toddle off down for a some excitement. The Americans do love their parades, every time we come here we come across one or two. This one is led by a float with Dolly Parton on it. I was amazed how petite she seems. Mind you the Dolly look alike across the road made up for her. We couldn’t quite decide whether they (see photo and you’ll know what I’m talking about) we’re the real thing or a guy in drag. I certainly wasn’t crossing over to find out.

Most of the people around us were local and couldn’t you tell with the Hill Billy drawl, blobbies and the toothless older women. They make you laugh with their talk about Dolly, almost as if they know her personally. No American parade would be complete without some majorettes. This parade had more majorette groups than Talibans at a stoning. Given the numerous young podgies in most of them you do wonder about the exercise value of these clubs – start em young on the blobby trail.

Of course being in the bible belt there’s an excess of church floats and the rest seem to sneak the word of the lord in somewhere. No floats from the French Wine industry; breweries; Atheists of America; the Evolution society; Darwen appreciation society.

Overall an hours worth of mirth and entertainment for all.

Final list of loony Tennessee laws:

It is illegal to give any pie to fellow diners.

Spitting is prohibited on sidewalks.

No person may keep a cheetah as a pet.

Males may not be sexually aroused in public.

Anyone rollerblading may not tie his or herself to a moving vehicle on a highway.
No person may roller skate and listen to a personal cd player at the same time.

Throwing stones is prohibited as it might break a window.

I’d normally never dream of watching or listening to this geezer, but when the religious fruitcakes get so uppity then it only adds to the unwarranted publicity, peaks my curiosity and becomes essential viewing for me:

David Bowie’s latest music video featuring him as a Christ-like figure surrounded by women in skimpy outfits and priests in a bar has been pulled from YouTube.

The video for the single The Next Day was temporarily removed from the video-sharing website with a screenshot saying it had been taken down because its content violated YouTube’s terms of service, the singer’s publicist said. 

Bowie appears in the video dressed in Christ-like robes, while Gary Oldman plays a beer-swilling priest and Marion Cotillard is a hooker who transforms into a saint.

The video has riled Catholic League president Bill Donohue. 

Meanwhile ex-archbishop of Canterbury, George Carey said:

If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery perhaps Christians should not worry too much at such an exploitation of religious imagery.

I doubt that Bowie would have the courage to use Islamic imagery – I very much doubt it.

Frankly, I don’t get offended by such juvenilia – Christians should have the courage to rise above offensive language although I hope Bowie will recognise that he may be upsetting some people.

It’s utter rubbish but they fanned the flames of intrigue and given it more publicity than it deserves. I like George Carey’s comments. A pity more religious leaders can’t take this view. Perhaps a Muslim version would help with the much needed desensitising of that religion too.

Saturday – grey, cloudy, warm and showers.

Drive through Sevierville to Knoxville. You have to see the tinsel town glitz and glamour of this place – see photos. It’s unbelievable that all there’s all this tat with the Smoky Mountains as a backdrop just 10 miles away. Yes there’s Opry Show; Hollywood waxworks, complete with King Kong climbing Empire State; Hatfiled & McCoy Hill Billy Dinner show; Titanic; National Knife Museum, unbelievable that the car parks full;  Bible Outlet store, no surprise there then; Tangier Outlets to name but a few. But this seems to be what most people come here for. Thankfully, probably never venture anywhere near the awesome Smoky Mountains National Park – quite believable here in the USA but sad.

Free parking around the Market Square area.

Information centre has a free Blues concert going on.

How fortunate can we be there’s a market on, but it must be a French market as they pack up and go home at 14:00. A bit like the Pigeon Forge visitor centre which closes no Saturday the busiest day of the week, mind you we are in Hill Billy country.

Have a wander around the pleasant Market Square district of Knoxville and then the heavens open up. Fortunately find a very pleasant cafe with lovely deep leather chairs. Amazing most people are downstairs queueing for a table yet there’s plenty of room up here.

Have a pleasant wander around, seems a nice little town.

Then visit the site of the 1982 Worlds Fair. Couldn’t have been very big. But it’s another nice area with big open air amphitheatre. I take a trip up the Sunsphere. Wendy gives it a miss as there’s a lift involved.

Pass on the free Gospel Music on offer in the amphitheatre. I’ve enough of these bible bashers, foisting there arcane beliefs on the rest of us. I don’t try and make it difficult for them to worship, why must they make it difficult for me to follow my beliefs and have a drink. Although good news is it’s not totally dry here, there is a liquor store, limited choice and high prices – now there’s a surprise, thank you bible bashers.

Manage to buy a box of wine. Sensible store though, they don’t bother asking for ID, and if the CIA or FBI is monitoring this, no I will not rat them out for exercising common sense.

Despite the downpour a pleasant afternoon in a very dog friendly town.

On the way back down the Interstate – Motorway – we see a Hill Billy family letting their dogs out for a crap on the side of the Interstate, no leads – on the dogs that is. They’re just roaming loose and any minute now may run into the carriageway. Only hope is if the dogs wander onto the Interstate, as the Hill Billies are trying to catch them, then any cars swerve and miss the dogs, don’t bother about hitting their owners they’re just polluting the gene pool anyway. 

Guess which religion this is?

Gay men and women living in Indonesia’s Aceh province are facing being publicly lashed 100 times under a proposed bylaw backed by politicians.

Perhaps they think it will cure them!

Wednesday – Grey and overcast.

Decide on an easy day as Jasper should be home today and we’re hoping to FaceTime with him so need to be back early.

Ideal opportunity to visit the Moonshine distillery in Gatlinburg and have a wander around there.

Distillery was a tad disappointing. Not a tour as I thought but a load of vats and copper kettles behind some wire mesh. Interesting though and to be fair the tasting was free – provided you had photo ID of course! Tastes just like schnapps, not a drink I can imagine getting excited about or becoming a connoisseur of. But at least it was free and they provide some local live music.

As to Gatlinburg the least said the better. Blackpool with out the seediness and dirt. More shops selling tat that you don’t want than Talibans at a stoning.

Get back mid-afternoon and have the long awaited pleasure of catching up on some reading. Finally finish Tom Sawyer.

In the evening watch Django, the first Tarantino film I’ve ever enjoyed. Our recent travels though reveal a few factual errors. The plantation is Evergreen in Louisiana not Tennessee and there were no cotton plantations in Gatlinburg, Tennessee. Despite that it’s a great film.

A good day despite, but alas little Jasper and Mum have been kept in hospital for another day while they do some blood tests.

Only in Tennessee:

When you pull up to a stop sign you must fire a gun out the window to warn horse carriages that you are coming.

By law, anyone who has been drinking is “sober” until he or she “cannot hold onto the ground.

It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.

No one may eat ice cream on the sidewalk.

Spitting on the sidewalk is prohibited.

Illegal for a woman to drive a car unless there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.

It’s illegal for frogs to croak after 11 PM.

Panhandlers (begging from a stranger) must first obtain a $10 permit before begging on the streets of downtown Memphis.

Thursday – warm, sun and cloud.

Turns out they botched Jasper’s first blood test and then decided not to bother doing one after all, so another night in hospital for Jasper and Fiona.

Do the River Trail and then have lunch sat in two rocking chairs at the visitors centre – this is the life.

Drive over to Ocunaluftee visitor centre. Visit Mingus Mill, yet another Grist mill that grinds corn to make cornflower – after some research I now understand that corn / maize is similar to corn on the cob, a sweetened version. Whereas Wheat is where we get our normal flower from.

Take Blue Ridge Parkway drive and the try to drive over Balsam Mount, a dirt track road, but alas there’s been a landslide so it’s closed.

Drive into Cherokee, the Indian reservation, but alas the Indian village doesn’t open until May the 15th. As Indian reservations go this has to be one of the nicest we’ve seen no one would guess its was an Indian reservation. Perhaps it’s money and tourism from the giant O’Hare’s casino. How do they possibly make such a massive hotel and casino pay?

Take a leisurely drive back and get some pictures of the rolling hill and moutons of the Smokies, alas no smoke at this time of day – need to be up rely for that.

Get back in for a FaceTime session with Jasper and parents. They din’t get let out of hospital until 19:00, just one cock up after another, a bloody disgrace. Anyway Mum, Dad and Jasper are now home. Great to see him on FaceTime. Makes up for the distance, amazing technology and so much better quality than Skype. Jasper’s lovely; so small, you forget how small they are. Wendy’s really chuffed.

To celebrate finally seeing Jasper, time for a Krombacher, or two, on the deck in my favourite rocking chair.

“He lit a shuck” local talk for he went fast.

More lunacy:

One may not throw bottles at a tree.

It is illegal for a woman to call a man for a date.

You may not have more than five inoperable vehicles on a piece of property.

Bar owners may not let patrons make loud, unusual noises.

In front of their buildings, all businesses must have a “hitching post.

And then we think EU laws are meddlesome trivia!

Who says it’s not an enlightened religion?

A controversial figure who calls herself an “Islamic life coach” has said that women are to blame for the rising number of incidents of domestic violence and violence against women.
Sibel Üresin, who earlier drew anger for saying polygamy — marriage with more than one spouse — should be legal and publicly announced that she had 
encouraged her husband to get a second wife, recommending a close girlfriend for the job, has said to the religious-minded İkra magazine: “Women talk ceaselessly. It is the woman’s fault if she is killed.”

She said that because women are economically empowered they have inflated egos and talk too much. “It looks better on a woman to be naive, polite and soft, and that’s how it is in our religion,” she maintained. Üresin also said that even when a woman is more knowledgeable about a subject then her husband, she should keep silent. “Really, I know some women that never shut up. It is very normal that her husband’s going to go crazy. The biggest weapon a woman has is her ability to hold grudges and show that through her attitude, but men resort to violence, because they are built that way.”

And this from a women! She’ll be on the women’s lib hit list.

Sunday – grey, wet and raining.

Forecast rain all day so it’s a very lazy day in. After all our travels it’s quite a welcome change.

Just caught a scene from the Griswald European Vaction – what can you expect it’s American TV – but this waiter scene just about sums up France.

And while we’re on about the joys of France, how about this:

Cat burning was a form of zoosadistic entertainment in France prior to the 1800s. In this form of entertainment, people would gather dozens of cats in a net and hoist them high into the air from a special bundle onto a bonfire. In the medieval and early modern periods, cats, which were associated with vanity and witchcraft, were sometimes burned as symbols of the Devil.

Fortunately they’ve given up on this nowadays and just get their kicks by being arrogant, rude and taking the piss out of visitors.

Meanwhile a few more silly laws from State of Tennessee:

Giving and receiving oral sex is still prohibited by law.

Stealing a horse is punishible by hanging.

No Christian parent may require their children to pick up trash from the highway on Easter day.

It is legal to gather and consume roadkill.

Monday – cloudy and sunny.

Well it did forecast rain all day but now they say it’s sun and cloud, and they’re right.

drive down to Cades Cove and do the motor loop around there. Very beautiful and some nice log cabins; a working grist mill – absolutely fascinating technology from the early 1800’s; old Baptist Churches, considering how few people lived there it must have been 1 church per family! After 1 Baptist church you’ve seen them all. Mind you at least there are no Mosques.

Stop for a impromptu pee in the forest – as men do – didn’t notice that I was surrounded by poison Ivy. Fortunately non of it touched my bare legs and feet. Next time I’ll be more careful.

The drive around the Roaring Fork loop road, aptly named from the river it follows which is in full flow with the recent rain.

A pleasant day around the lower reaches of the Smokey Mountains – wow it’s so beautiful.

And a few more laws to compete with the stupidity of Tennesse’s alcohol and Sunday trading laws:

You can’t shoot any game other than whales from amoving automobile.

Hollow logs may not be sold.

More than 8 women may not live in the same house because that would constitute a brothel.

It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish.

The definition of “dumb animal” includes every living creature.

Interracial marriages are illegal.

Get call / text from Kurt. Fiona waters broke and she in Burnley maternity awaiting the big event.

Tuesday – sun and cloud.

Text from Kurt about 02:00, Fiona’s been moved to Preston where they have some free incubators just in case – babies only 35 week, just a week to go to full term.

Phone call from Kurt at 05:30 – for once in his life it’s not one of his trivial wake us up calls – Jasper Thomas Edwards was born at 09:40 on Tuesday 7th May 2013 at Preston, oh and the question all women seem obsessed with, he weighed in at 6lb 13oz . Exactly the same weight as his dad, mind you at least Jasper has a full head of black hair. Well done both of you and welcome to the World Jasper – it’s a beautiful place. Despite coming 4 weeks early all is well with Jasper and Mother. Kurt tells me he found it a very easy birth.

Obviously we’re both delighted. 

Original forecast of rain for the day has changed to possible scattered thunderstorms.

Drive up to Clingmans Dome to enjoy the view. There’s a very steep half mile walk up to the observation tower. Good exercise Wendy manages it at a steady non-stop pace, more than can be said for some of the youngster wheezing their way up. Stunning views but oh so cold. It’s just 46F compared with 69F at the bottom, mind you it’s about 6,643 feet up.

Whilst the views from up there are stunning it’s very disturbing to see how many dead trees there are. 

In the last decade they have started to see swaths of grey among the green forests, the standing ghosts of hemlocks dying from the hemlock woolly adelgid, a non native aphid (came in from Europe in the 1920’s) like insect that is wiping out mature trees and along with pollution. Seems more pronounced in the higher regions such as Clingmans Dome, fortunately not so prominent lower down. Such a shame and makes you appreciate our fragile environment. Despite it all Jasper you’ve come into a beautiful World and let’s hope that one day you can get to share the beauty of the National Parks both in the UK and the USA – they’re awesome. Even the beauty of the Hemlock Woolly Adelgid, a foreign species introduced to this magnificent National Park, probably by accident, so small and yet capable of felling mighty hemlock trees – nature, truly awesome.

Quite a gathering on the roadside as we drive down. Turns out a Black Bear and two cubs have been sighted. Wendy just catches site of them. Alas I miss it and no photo.

Had originally planned to go onto Cherokee but in view of the arrival of our Grandson set off back home in time to catch up with Kurt on Skype.

Catch up with Kurt. Mother and baby doing well. Should be home tomorrow.

Friday – warm, sun and clouds.

Plan was up early and out. Somehow this seemed to translate into 10:30 out. 

Drive into the Smoky Mountains National Park (NP). Start off with a short nature trail walk. Only get lost once. Get to see our old friend the Pileated Woodpecker. A real giant one but alas he was flitting everywhere so couldn’t get a shot of him.

Then hook up with a Ranger guided tour. Young lad who was an intern gave it. Started off with bear training – what to do if you encounter a bear. Running – not a good idea they run twice as fast as you and it invokes a chase response; climd a tree – not a good idea they climb 10 times faster than you; play dead – not a good idea they like eating dead meat. Our Intern was so passionate about the NP. Given up his business etc and just wanted to be here in the NP. Nice to meet someone who has such passion and determination. Knows he’ll never get rich, but this is where he wants to be, even if it means cleaning out toilets.

Did you know that the Smoky mountains is the Salamander capital of the World with 30 varieties. Best not to pick one up though as they breathe through their skin – amazing – and the oils on our hands will suffocate them.

Drive down to Laurel Falls. Have another of our lavish lunches – banana and water. Then take a hike (does sound so much more impressive than walk, mind you it was paved path all the way) up to the falls. Not massive falls  but a lovely spot and nice walk, especially coming back down.

There’s 1,500 bears around here but alas none have crossed our path yet.

Now here’s a surprise 10 of the countries with the worst records for violation of religious freedom are Muslim. Let’s name and shame them all”

The Commission on International Religious Freedom, or USCIRF, an arm of the U.S. government has named 15 nations as the “worst violators of religious freedom.” An independent advisory body created by the International Religious Freedom Act. The commission monitors religious freedom abuses worldwide. In its 2013 report, the group identifies “governments that are the most egregious violators.” Of the 15 nations listed, 10 are Muslim.

The 15 countries listed are Burma, China, Eritrea, Iran, North Korea, Saudi Arabia, Sudan, Uzbekistan, Egypt, Iraq, Nigeria, Pakistan, Tajikistan, Turkmenistan and Vietnam. All of these nations severely restrict independent religious activity and harass individuals and groups for religious activity or beliefs.

Nigeria also made the list for ‘continuing religious violence between Muslims and Christians compounded by the government’s toleration of the sectarian attacks’

None of them are on my bucket list.

Saturday – grey, overcast with showers. The Smokies, just like Belthorn, are a great place for rain with 85″ a year.

A lazy day planned. Use it to plan the rest of our stay and trip.

Satellite man comes at 08:00 to upgrade our internet connection. Big improvement from about 256K to 10Mb and while latency is down from 1,100 to 750 it’s still a major drawback with a satellite service – glad I didn’t go for it in Belthorn.

What an accolade, I’m a Tripadvisor “Senior Contibutor”. I have a new badge. I’m orgasmic, what a pity they don’t sent you a signed certificate I could have it framed and put it on the lounge wall next to my 25 Yards Swimming Certificate :7).

Lazy morning.We now have some neighbours, they must be Americans as they’ve got their barbecue on for breakfast – we really must get with the programme.

Drive down to Gatlinburg to get Wendy some new walking, sorry hiking, shoes.

Why is Wendy stood on a chair cooking the dinner? Is this some sort of British fetish or new style of gourmet cooking?

She’s just seen a long black thing, about 8″ long, long tail, lizard like. It did the wise thing and ran under the cooker as Wendy went hysterical.

Wednesday – hot and sunny.

After a stingy breakfast we drive into Chattanooga for a mooch around. Place looks and sounds very attractive but at $7 for 2 hours parking they can “stuff off”, we’re just not paying that. Worse than Blackburn.

Find a cheaper alternative up the hill. I suppose it’s a lot cheaper because there’s a hill to walk up.

The downtown areas very pleasant; old wooden bridge to walk across; large Aquarium, not that we bother. Don’t really have time for the Choo, Choo as it’s a good way out.

Drive up to our Tennessee home in the foothills of the Smoky Mountains. It’s a great log cabin in the foothills of the Smoky Mountains. Lovely smell of pine from the walls, no a scrap of wallpaper or dab of paint anywhere, and all very rural. By the end of our two weeks I think we’ll have seen enough trees to last lifetime. All we need is two guys from Burnley (figure it out) sat on a balcony playing duelling banjos and the pictures complete. Deck is about 30 feet up, complete with lovely rocking chairs, hot tub and of corse the obligatory barbecue, chained to the deck I suppose to stop the bears from nicking it. Our bedroom has a jacuzzi bath tub and upstairs we have a lovely airy games room with snooker table.

Mind you we’ve just driven into Pigeon Forge to the supermarket. Now this place is the complete antithesis. A cross between Las Vegas on a diet and Blackpool on steroids. At least it’s clean and not seedy.

Just nuts:

Booths supermarket is forced to remove monkey nuts from shelves – for failing to declare they may contain nuts.

Shows how common sense is a rare commodity. The new hilarious BBC comedy series “The Wright Way”, by Elton John, just about sums up the state of lunacy in the UK today.

Mind you here in Tennessee common sense seems to be as rare as a Taliban in a piny washing the dishes.

Can’t buy wine or liquor anywhere in Pigeon Forge, have to drive down to Gatlinburg. Can buy beer though, but they need to see ID. 
Wow I must be looking young these days. No have to see photo ID. Foreign drivers license not acceptable! Picture of passport on iPhone passes muster. Apparently the checkout woman can go to prison if she doesn’t see ID, or $500 fine and $1,000 fine for the supermarket. Even she thinks it nuts. 

After lunch we drive up to the Smoky Mountain National Park visitors centre to pick up all the literature on the area and plan our stay. Apparently next Friday there’s a Dolly parade through Pigeon Forge. Guy in the visitors centre, had about as much personality as a stuffed Penguin, but was bemused when we asked if it was the real Dolly Parton. And yes it is. We are now the proud owners of a signed Dolly print – head and shoulders only!