Tony & Wendy's Travel Blog

Sunday – warm and sunny.

Set off for a short hike up to Grotto falls, its a fairly strenuous and rocky in places. Manage to squeeze pass the blobby hill billie family, all of them so wide they’re taking up the whole of the path. Just love their hiking footwear ranges from flip flops, ballet style shoes to bright purple trainers, but you can tell they’re seasoned hikers as there’s not a pair of high heels on any of them – mind you they probably don’t make high heels strong enough. I’ll  be amazed if they make it. We pass them again on our way back down, 90 minutes later, and they’re still only half way up. 10 out of 10 for perseverance.

We’d always thought that Disney Orlando was the blobby magnet of the World but Pigeon Forge and Gatlinburg take that accolade by about 5 stone. Gatlinburg even seems to have recognised the issue by placing forms all along their pavements so that the weary hikers can sit down and rest their excess blubber as they go from fudge shop to ice cream shop to burger joint. Fortunately there’s a bypass around Gatlinburg so at least on the way to the beauty of the Smokies you don’t have to drive through that glitz and flab.

Wendy makes a fair but constant pace, puts some of the youngsters to shame, who keep stopping for a rest. Halfway up Ranger Wendy, notices the signs of bears having passed this way, and gives an impromptu tutorial to a family of 4 on what to do if you encounter a bear – she was obviously listening when we were given our bear training.

A nice hike and waterfall at the end, but alas no bears.

I think I’ve commented many times on the decline in manners in the USA but it’s getting worse. Hardly anyone on this busy walk says thank you when you pause to let them pass. Wendy’s hit the nail on the head though. They’re mainly day trippers, just like your Sunday drivers, whereas your regular hikers, and even walkers, are more courteous.

They’re really bright around here. Women approaches toilet door “y’all locked up” slurred in that Hill Billie drawl. But then eventually the light clicks “y’ll perhaps someun in there”.

Only 1 in 10 UK Christians seeks moral guidance from religion according to research carried out for the Richard Dawkins Foundation.

UK residents who think of themselves as Christian show very low levels of Christian belief and practice, 
according to new research.

Overall, the findings suggest that the number of UK adults self-identifying as Christian has fallen significantly since the 2001 Census. This research found that at the time of the 2011 Census, just over half (54%) the public thought of themselves as Christian, compared with almost three-quarters (72%) in the 2001 Census.

Welcoming the findings of the research, Richard Dawkins said:

“Despite the best efforts of church leaders and politicians to convince us that religion is still an important part of our national life, these results demonstrate that it is largely irrelevant, even to those who still label themselves Christian.

“When it comes to belief, practice or even the most elementary knowledge of the Bible, it is clear that faith is a spent force in the UK, and it is time our policy-makers woke up to that reality and stopped trying to impose beliefs on society that society itself has largely rejected.

“In the past, there have often been attempts to use the Christian figure in the Census to justify basing policy on the claim that faith is important to the British people. This time, any attempt to do so will clearly be inexcusable.”

As it’s Mothers day here I treat Wendy to  sickly giant cup cake – bigger and better as always.

Having strayed into North Carolina I thought we’d better check up on their dumb laws:

It is a felony to steal more than $1000 of grease

A bill has been passed that restricts local planning agencies’ ability to use climate change science to predict sea-level rise.

A marriage can be declared void if either of the two persons is physically impotent.

It’s against the law to sing off key.

Elephants may not be used to plow cotton fields.

While having sex, you must stay in the missionary position and have the shades pulled.

If a man and a woman who aren’t married go to a hotel/motel and register themselves as married then, according to state law, they are legally married.

Monday – warm and sunny.

Big day today as we tackle the Appalachian Trail – a 2,000 mile hike up the East from Georgia all the way up to Main – fortunately today we’re only doing a few mile of it it the Smokey Mountains. It’s a strenuous and very rock trail. We go from the Newfound  Gap up to the Ice Spring shelter. A hard 6 miles but some great views and Wendy’s back can just about manage this distance before becoming a problem. I was expecting it to be more like striding edge as we were walking across the top ridge. Fortunately for my knees it was quite wide so I managed to stay upright all the way. A tad disappointing as there just weren’t the views either side as we’d anticipated. A strenuous 4 hours but worth it.

Have you noticed the lazy stupidity that seems to overtake people when in car parks. Just love it when they’ll wait for ages while a family of 6 loads there pram, shopping, Zimmer framed Grandma and 3 dogs into a car so that they can park in their space, if they ever managed to find reverse and back out. In the meantime these inconsiderate Hill Billies have a queue of 64.5 cars waiting behind them. I wouldn’t mind there’s loads of empty space just around the corner and the lazy blobbies will be using the lift anyway.

What is it with American toilet doors? There’s alway big gaps around them so people can peer in. Are they a nation of perverts or are their handymen incompetent.

You’re probably wonder what the local industry around here is. Well apart from tourism it seems that every other place is manufacturing rocking chairs. No idea where they sell them all to as there’s already an excess everywhere you look.

More stupidity in North Carolina:

All couples staying overnight in a hotel must have a room with double beds that are at least two feet apart.

It is illegal to have sex in a churchyard.

Oral sex is considered a crime against nature.

A three dollar tax must be paid on all white goods sold.

Organizations may not hold their meetings while the members present are in costume.

Bingo games may not last over 5 hours unless it is held at a fair.

Serving alcohol at a bingo game is not allowed.

Persons in possession of illegal substances must pay taxes on them.

Friday – sun and cloud but warm and humid.

Hike – so much more macho than walking – 3 trails today. Drive up to Jakes trail, then onto Cucumber and then Little River trail. A lot of bleating and moaning from Wendy as It’s all up hill for the first half and then we get the benefit of the downhill 2nd half. 6 miles in total. Lavish lunch half way through of cheese, tomato and egg butty, sat in the rain. We sure know how to live. Anyway Wendy survives it including a very brave stream crossing, at least it proved her new shoes are waterproof, what a trooper – girl guides here she comes.

Encounter a real mix of hikers on the way from day trippers in shorts and sandals to Rambo like backpacker, complete with camouflage poncho with his World in his backpack.

On the way home call in at Townsend, another dry county, but if you drive down to the next county and all is well. Unbelievable, 21st Century in what they believe is the most civilised and advanced country in the World and people put up with this religious crap. 

18:00 is the Dolly parade in Pigeon Forge so we toddle off down for a some excitement. The Americans do love their parades, every time we come here we come across one or two. This one is led by a float with Dolly Parton on it. I was amazed how petite she seems. Mind you the Dolly look alike across the road made up for her. We couldn’t quite decide whether they (see photo and you’ll know what I’m talking about) we’re the real thing or a guy in drag. I certainly wasn’t crossing over to find out.

Most of the people around us were local and couldn’t you tell with the Hill Billy drawl, blobbies and the toothless older women. They make you laugh with their talk about Dolly, almost as if they know her personally. No American parade would be complete without some majorettes. This parade had more majorette groups than Talibans at a stoning. Given the numerous young podgies in most of them you do wonder about the exercise value of these clubs – start em young on the blobby trail.

Of course being in the bible belt there’s an excess of church floats and the rest seem to sneak the word of the lord in somewhere. No floats from the French Wine industry; breweries; Atheists of America; the Evolution society; Darwen appreciation society.

Overall an hours worth of mirth and entertainment for all.

Final list of loony Tennessee laws:

It is illegal to give any pie to fellow diners.

Spitting is prohibited on sidewalks.

No person may keep a cheetah as a pet.

Males may not be sexually aroused in public.

Anyone rollerblading may not tie his or herself to a moving vehicle on a highway.
No person may roller skate and listen to a personal cd player at the same time.

Throwing stones is prohibited as it might break a window.

I’d normally never dream of watching or listening to this geezer, but when the religious fruitcakes get so uppity then it only adds to the unwarranted publicity, peaks my curiosity and becomes essential viewing for me:

David Bowie’s latest music video featuring him as a Christ-like figure surrounded by women in skimpy outfits and priests in a bar has been pulled from YouTube.

The video for the single The Next Day was temporarily removed from the video-sharing website with a screenshot saying it had been taken down because its content violated YouTube’s terms of service, the singer’s publicist said. 

Bowie appears in the video dressed in Christ-like robes, while Gary Oldman plays a beer-swilling priest and Marion Cotillard is a hooker who transforms into a saint.

The video has riled Catholic League president Bill Donohue. 

Meanwhile ex-archbishop of Canterbury, George Carey said:

If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery perhaps Christians should not worry too much at such an exploitation of religious imagery.

I doubt that Bowie would have the courage to use Islamic imagery – I very much doubt it.

Frankly, I don’t get offended by such juvenilia – Christians should have the courage to rise above offensive language although I hope Bowie will recognise that he may be upsetting some people.

It’s utter rubbish but they fanned the flames of intrigue and given it more publicity than it deserves. I like George Carey’s comments. A pity more religious leaders can’t take this view. Perhaps a Muslim version would help with the much needed desensitising of that religion too.

Saturday – grey, cloudy, warm and showers.

Drive through Sevierville to Knoxville. You have to see the tinsel town glitz and glamour of this place – see photos. It’s unbelievable that all there’s all this tat with the Smoky Mountains as a backdrop just 10 miles away. Yes there’s Opry Show; Hollywood waxworks, complete with King Kong climbing Empire State; Hatfiled & McCoy Hill Billy Dinner show; Titanic; National Knife Museum, unbelievable that the car parks full;  Bible Outlet store, no surprise there then; Tangier Outlets to name but a few. But this seems to be what most people come here for. Thankfully, probably never venture anywhere near the awesome Smoky Mountains National Park – quite believable here in the USA but sad.

Free parking around the Market Square area.

Information centre has a free Blues concert going on.

How fortunate can we be there’s a market on, but it must be a French market as they pack up and go home at 14:00. A bit like the Pigeon Forge visitor centre which closes no Saturday the busiest day of the week, mind you we are in Hill Billy country.

Have a wander around the pleasant Market Square district of Knoxville and then the heavens open up. Fortunately find a very pleasant cafe with lovely deep leather chairs. Amazing most people are downstairs queueing for a table yet there’s plenty of room up here.

Have a pleasant wander around, seems a nice little town.

Then visit the site of the 1982 Worlds Fair. Couldn’t have been very big. But it’s another nice area with big open air amphitheatre. I take a trip up the Sunsphere. Wendy gives it a miss as there’s a lift involved.

Pass on the free Gospel Music on offer in the amphitheatre. I’ve enough of these bible bashers, foisting there arcane beliefs on the rest of us. I don’t try and make it difficult for them to worship, why must they make it difficult for me to follow my beliefs and have a drink. Although good news is it’s not totally dry here, there is a liquor store, limited choice and high prices – now there’s a surprise, thank you bible bashers.

Manage to buy a box of wine. Sensible store though, they don’t bother asking for ID, and if the CIA or FBI is monitoring this, no I will not rat them out for exercising common sense.

Despite the downpour a pleasant afternoon in a very dog friendly town.

On the way back down the Interstate – Motorway – we see a Hill Billy family letting their dogs out for a crap on the side of the Interstate, no leads – on the dogs that is. They’re just roaming loose and any minute now may run into the carriageway. Only hope is if the dogs wander onto the Interstate, as the Hill Billies are trying to catch them, then any cars swerve and miss the dogs, don’t bother about hitting their owners they’re just polluting the gene pool anyway. 

Guess which religion this is?

Gay men and women living in Indonesia’s Aceh province are facing being publicly lashed 100 times under a proposed bylaw backed by politicians.

Perhaps they think it will cure them!

Wednesday – Grey and overcast.

Decide on an easy day as Jasper should be home today and we’re hoping to FaceTime with him so need to be back early.

Ideal opportunity to visit the Moonshine distillery in Gatlinburg and have a wander around there.

Distillery was a tad disappointing. Not a tour as I thought but a load of vats and copper kettles behind some wire mesh. Interesting though and to be fair the tasting was free – provided you had photo ID of course! Tastes just like schnapps, not a drink I can imagine getting excited about or becoming a connoisseur of. But at least it was free and they provide some local live music.

As to Gatlinburg the least said the better. Blackpool with out the seediness and dirt. More shops selling tat that you don’t want than Talibans at a stoning.

Get back mid-afternoon and have the long awaited pleasure of catching up on some reading. Finally finish Tom Sawyer.

In the evening watch Django, the first Tarantino film I’ve ever enjoyed. Our recent travels though reveal a few factual errors. The plantation is Evergreen in Louisiana not Tennessee and there were no cotton plantations in Gatlinburg, Tennessee. Despite that it’s a great film.

A good day despite, but alas little Jasper and Mum have been kept in hospital for another day while they do some blood tests.

Only in Tennessee:

When you pull up to a stop sign you must fire a gun out the window to warn horse carriages that you are coming.

By law, anyone who has been drinking is “sober” until he or she “cannot hold onto the ground.

It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.

No one may eat ice cream on the sidewalk.

Spitting on the sidewalk is prohibited.

Illegal for a woman to drive a car unless there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.

It’s illegal for frogs to croak after 11 PM.

Panhandlers (begging from a stranger) must first obtain a $10 permit before begging on the streets of downtown Memphis.

Thursday – warm, sun and cloud.

Turns out they botched Jasper’s first blood test and then decided not to bother doing one after all, so another night in hospital for Jasper and Fiona.

Do the River Trail and then have lunch sat in two rocking chairs at the visitors centre – this is the life.

Drive over to Ocunaluftee visitor centre. Visit Mingus Mill, yet another Grist mill that grinds corn to make cornflower – after some research I now understand that corn / maize is similar to corn on the cob, a sweetened version. Whereas Wheat is where we get our normal flower from.

Take Blue Ridge Parkway drive and the try to drive over Balsam Mount, a dirt track road, but alas there’s been a landslide so it’s closed.

Drive into Cherokee, the Indian reservation, but alas the Indian village doesn’t open until May the 15th. As Indian reservations go this has to be one of the nicest we’ve seen no one would guess its was an Indian reservation. Perhaps it’s money and tourism from the giant O’Hare’s casino. How do they possibly make such a massive hotel and casino pay?

Take a leisurely drive back and get some pictures of the rolling hill and moutons of the Smokies, alas no smoke at this time of day – need to be up rely for that.

Get back in for a FaceTime session with Jasper and parents. They din’t get let out of hospital until 19:00, just one cock up after another, a bloody disgrace. Anyway Mum, Dad and Jasper are now home. Great to see him on FaceTime. Makes up for the distance, amazing technology and so much better quality than Skype. Jasper’s lovely; so small, you forget how small they are. Wendy’s really chuffed.

To celebrate finally seeing Jasper, time for a Krombacher, or two, on the deck in my favourite rocking chair.

“He lit a shuck” local talk for he went fast.

More lunacy:

One may not throw bottles at a tree.

It is illegal for a woman to call a man for a date.

You may not have more than five inoperable vehicles on a piece of property.

Bar owners may not let patrons make loud, unusual noises.

In front of their buildings, all businesses must have a “hitching post.

And then we think EU laws are meddlesome trivia!

Who says it’s not an enlightened religion?

A controversial figure who calls herself an “Islamic life coach” has said that women are to blame for the rising number of incidents of domestic violence and violence against women.
Sibel Üresin, who earlier drew anger for saying polygamy — marriage with more than one spouse — should be legal and publicly announced that she had 
encouraged her husband to get a second wife, recommending a close girlfriend for the job, has said to the religious-minded İkra magazine: “Women talk ceaselessly. It is the woman’s fault if she is killed.”

She said that because women are economically empowered they have inflated egos and talk too much. “It looks better on a woman to be naive, polite and soft, and that’s how it is in our religion,” she maintained. Üresin also said that even when a woman is more knowledgeable about a subject then her husband, she should keep silent. “Really, I know some women that never shut up. It is very normal that her husband’s going to go crazy. The biggest weapon a woman has is her ability to hold grudges and show that through her attitude, but men resort to violence, because they are built that way.”

And this from a women! She’ll be on the women’s lib hit list.

Sunday – grey, wet and raining.

Forecast rain all day so it’s a very lazy day in. After all our travels it’s quite a welcome change.

Just caught a scene from the Griswald European Vaction – what can you expect it’s American TV – but this waiter scene just about sums up France.

And while we’re on about the joys of France, how about this:

Cat burning was a form of zoosadistic entertainment in France prior to the 1800s. In this form of entertainment, people would gather dozens of cats in a net and hoist them high into the air from a special bundle onto a bonfire. In the medieval and early modern periods, cats, which were associated with vanity and witchcraft, were sometimes burned as symbols of the Devil.

Fortunately they’ve given up on this nowadays and just get their kicks by being arrogant, rude and taking the piss out of visitors.

Meanwhile a few more silly laws from State of Tennessee:

Giving and receiving oral sex is still prohibited by law.

Stealing a horse is punishible by hanging.

No Christian parent may require their children to pick up trash from the highway on Easter day.

It is legal to gather and consume roadkill.

Monday – cloudy and sunny.

Well it did forecast rain all day but now they say it’s sun and cloud, and they’re right.

drive down to Cades Cove and do the motor loop around there. Very beautiful and some nice log cabins; a working grist mill – absolutely fascinating technology from the early 1800’s; old Baptist Churches, considering how few people lived there it must have been 1 church per family! After 1 Baptist church you’ve seen them all. Mind you at least there are no Mosques.

Stop for a impromptu pee in the forest – as men do – didn’t notice that I was surrounded by poison Ivy. Fortunately non of it touched my bare legs and feet. Next time I’ll be more careful.

The drive around the Roaring Fork loop road, aptly named from the river it follows which is in full flow with the recent rain.

A pleasant day around the lower reaches of the Smokey Mountains – wow it’s so beautiful.

And a few more laws to compete with the stupidity of Tennesse’s alcohol and Sunday trading laws:

You can’t shoot any game other than whales from amoving automobile.

Hollow logs may not be sold.

More than 8 women may not live in the same house because that would constitute a brothel.

It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish.

The definition of “dumb animal” includes every living creature.

Interracial marriages are illegal.

Get call / text from Kurt. Fiona waters broke and she in Burnley maternity awaiting the big event.

Tuesday – sun and cloud.

Text from Kurt about 02:00, Fiona’s been moved to Preston where they have some free incubators just in case – babies only 35 week, just a week to go to full term.

Phone call from Kurt at 05:30 – for once in his life it’s not one of his trivial wake us up calls – Jasper Thomas Edwards was born at 09:40 on Tuesday 7th May 2013 at Preston, oh and the question all women seem obsessed with, he weighed in at 6lb 13oz . Exactly the same weight as his dad, mind you at least Jasper has a full head of black hair. Well done both of you and welcome to the World Jasper – it’s a beautiful place. Despite coming 4 weeks early all is well with Jasper and Mother. Kurt tells me he found it a very easy birth.

Obviously we’re both delighted. 

Original forecast of rain for the day has changed to possible scattered thunderstorms.

Drive up to Clingmans Dome to enjoy the view. There’s a very steep half mile walk up to the observation tower. Good exercise Wendy manages it at a steady non-stop pace, more than can be said for some of the youngster wheezing their way up. Stunning views but oh so cold. It’s just 46F compared with 69F at the bottom, mind you it’s about 6,643 feet up.

Whilst the views from up there are stunning it’s very disturbing to see how many dead trees there are. 

In the last decade they have started to see swaths of grey among the green forests, the standing ghosts of hemlocks dying from the hemlock woolly adelgid, a non native aphid (came in from Europe in the 1920’s) like insect that is wiping out mature trees and along with pollution. Seems more pronounced in the higher regions such as Clingmans Dome, fortunately not so prominent lower down. Such a shame and makes you appreciate our fragile environment. Despite it all Jasper you’ve come into a beautiful World and let’s hope that one day you can get to share the beauty of the National Parks both in the UK and the USA – they’re awesome. Even the beauty of the Hemlock Woolly Adelgid, a foreign species introduced to this magnificent National Park, probably by accident, so small and yet capable of felling mighty hemlock trees – nature, truly awesome.

Quite a gathering on the roadside as we drive down. Turns out a Black Bear and two cubs have been sighted. Wendy just catches site of them. Alas I miss it and no photo.

Had originally planned to go onto Cherokee but in view of the arrival of our Grandson set off back home in time to catch up with Kurt on Skype.

Catch up with Kurt. Mother and baby doing well. Should be home tomorrow.

Friday – warm, sun and clouds.

Plan was up early and out. Somehow this seemed to translate into 10:30 out. 

Drive into the Smoky Mountains National Park (NP). Start off with a short nature trail walk. Only get lost once. Get to see our old friend the Pileated Woodpecker. A real giant one but alas he was flitting everywhere so couldn’t get a shot of him.

Then hook up with a Ranger guided tour. Young lad who was an intern gave it. Started off with bear training – what to do if you encounter a bear. Running – not a good idea they run twice as fast as you and it invokes a chase response; climd a tree – not a good idea they climb 10 times faster than you; play dead – not a good idea they like eating dead meat. Our Intern was so passionate about the NP. Given up his business etc and just wanted to be here in the NP. Nice to meet someone who has such passion and determination. Knows he’ll never get rich, but this is where he wants to be, even if it means cleaning out toilets.

Did you know that the Smoky mountains is the Salamander capital of the World with 30 varieties. Best not to pick one up though as they breathe through their skin – amazing – and the oils on our hands will suffocate them.

Drive down to Laurel Falls. Have another of our lavish lunches – banana and water. Then take a hike (does sound so much more impressive than walk, mind you it was paved path all the way) up to the falls. Not massive falls  but a lovely spot and nice walk, especially coming back down.

There’s 1,500 bears around here but alas none have crossed our path yet.

Now here’s a surprise 10 of the countries with the worst records for violation of religious freedom are Muslim. Let’s name and shame them all”

The Commission on International Religious Freedom, or USCIRF, an arm of the U.S. government has named 15 nations as the “worst violators of religious freedom.” An independent advisory body created by the International Religious Freedom Act. The commission monitors religious freedom abuses worldwide. In its 2013 report, the group identifies “governments that are the most egregious violators.” Of the 15 nations listed, 10 are Muslim.

The 15 countries listed are Burma, China, Eritrea, Iran, North Korea, Saudi Arabia, Sudan, Uzbekistan, Egypt, Iraq, Nigeria, Pakistan, Tajikistan, Turkmenistan and Vietnam. All of these nations severely restrict independent religious activity and harass individuals and groups for religious activity or beliefs.

Nigeria also made the list for ‘continuing religious violence between Muslims and Christians compounded by the government’s toleration of the sectarian attacks’

None of them are on my bucket list.

Saturday – grey, overcast with showers. The Smokies, just like Belthorn, are a great place for rain with 85″ a year.

A lazy day planned. Use it to plan the rest of our stay and trip.

Satellite man comes at 08:00 to upgrade our internet connection. Big improvement from about 256K to 10Mb and while latency is down from 1,100 to 750 it’s still a major drawback with a satellite service – glad I didn’t go for it in Belthorn.

What an accolade, I’m a Tripadvisor “Senior Contibutor”. I have a new badge. I’m orgasmic, what a pity they don’t sent you a signed certificate I could have it framed and put it on the lounge wall next to my 25 Yards Swimming Certificate :7).

Lazy morning.We now have some neighbours, they must be Americans as they’ve got their barbecue on for breakfast – we really must get with the programme.

Drive down to Gatlinburg to get Wendy some new walking, sorry hiking, shoes.

Why is Wendy stood on a chair cooking the dinner? Is this some sort of British fetish or new style of gourmet cooking?

She’s just seen a long black thing, about 8″ long, long tail, lizard like. It did the wise thing and ran under the cooker as Wendy went hysterical.

Wednesday – hot and sunny.

After a stingy breakfast we drive into Chattanooga for a mooch around. Place looks and sounds very attractive but at $7 for 2 hours parking they can “stuff off”, we’re just not paying that. Worse than Blackburn.

Find a cheaper alternative up the hill. I suppose it’s a lot cheaper because there’s a hill to walk up.

The downtown areas very pleasant; old wooden bridge to walk across; large Aquarium, not that we bother. Don’t really have time for the Choo, Choo as it’s a good way out.

Drive up to our Tennessee home in the foothills of the Smoky Mountains. It’s a great log cabin in the foothills of the Smoky Mountains. Lovely smell of pine from the walls, no a scrap of wallpaper or dab of paint anywhere, and all very rural. By the end of our two weeks I think we’ll have seen enough trees to last lifetime. All we need is two guys from Burnley (figure it out) sat on a balcony playing duelling banjos and the pictures complete. Deck is about 30 feet up, complete with lovely rocking chairs, hot tub and of corse the obligatory barbecue, chained to the deck I suppose to stop the bears from nicking it. Our bedroom has a jacuzzi bath tub and upstairs we have a lovely airy games room with snooker table.

Mind you we’ve just driven into Pigeon Forge to the supermarket. Now this place is the complete antithesis. A cross between Las Vegas on a diet and Blackpool on steroids. At least it’s clean and not seedy.

Just nuts:

Booths supermarket is forced to remove monkey nuts from shelves – for failing to declare they may contain nuts.

Shows how common sense is a rare commodity. The new hilarious BBC comedy series “The Wright Way”, by Elton John, just about sums up the state of lunacy in the UK today.

Mind you here in Tennessee common sense seems to be as rare as a Taliban in a piny washing the dishes.

Can’t buy wine or liquor anywhere in Pigeon Forge, have to drive down to Gatlinburg. Can buy beer though, but they need to see ID. 
Wow I must be looking young these days. No have to see photo ID. Foreign drivers license not acceptable! Picture of passport on iPhone passes muster. Apparently the checkout woman can go to prison if she doesn’t see ID, or $500 fine and $1,000 fine for the supermarket. Even she thinks it nuts. 

After lunch we drive up to the Smoky Mountain National Park visitors centre to pick up all the literature on the area and plan our stay. Apparently next Friday there’s a Dolly parade through Pigeon Forge. Guy in the visitors centre, had about as much personality as a stuffed Penguin, but was bemused when we asked if it was the real Dolly Parton. And yes it is. We are now the proud owners of a signed Dolly print – head and shoulders only!

Monday – hot and sunny.

After yesterdays deluge good to wake up to a sunny day and pleasant breakfast.

Drive to the American Village which is a nationally-pioneering classroom and American history and civics education center that engages and inspires 35,000-40,000 students annually from Alabama and Southeastern states in experience-based academic programs related to American history, civics and government.

Students “step into history” and discover the power and drama of America’s journey for independence, liberty, and self-government.

Wendy steps into the Oval Office as the first foreign female President. Is this a British comeback? 

A great morning. Personal tour for just the two of us with actors in period costume and in character. Full of useful little facts. The major attacking the British lines with his musket and Mercy Warrens narration was absolutely brilliant. Mock up of the Oval Office was realist and we got it to ourselves for a 10 minute browse and picture session. Martin Sheen wasn’t there though, nor was the Obama geezer. A thoroughly enjoyable morning. Not quite up to Williamsburg standards but has the potential.

Then drive to Downtown Birmingham to visit the Civil Rights Institute. Alas like most places in Birmingham it was closed on a Monday and then people ask “why is it that nobody just comes to Birmingham, Alabama they’re always just passing through?”. Well get some places open on a Monday – have they not heard of staggered openings – and you might improve your tourist industry. Went on the signposted and narrated civil rights walk – mind you police officer did advise us to be careful as there are some aggressive beggars around, yet another downer for tourism. Really interesting and quite galling to consider that the “Jim Crow” laws on racial segregation were enforced here up to 1965, in our lifetime, with appalling treatment of blacks only ended by the civil rights movement and Martin Luther King. 

They use the term blacks here quite freely, doesn’t seem to be at all non PC. It’s probably just the Loony Liberal lefty thought police in the UK that get uppity about it. Mind you I did here that Mark Twains books were being re-written / censored because they used the nigger word – how bloody stupid.

Call in for a Starbucks on the sidewalk (pavement) and then visit Vulcan Park and museum. Yes, it’s yet another US “biggest in the World”. This time the biggest cast iron statue. Now there’s something to be proud of!

No doubt you’ll be amazed to know that there’s one area where the good old USA isn’t number one, nor biggest and best, when it come to religious whackoos. US Religious fruitcakes are just minor league when it comes to Muslims.

“Surely the time is now for all Muslim clerics of good will to band together for a massive public campaign aimed not at convincing non-Muslims of the clerics’ own good intentions, but at telling all their fellow Muslims that violent jihad, terrorism, and forced “conversion” (or punishment) of non-Muslims is always and everywhere unacceptable and evil.

If they will not do this, then they are morally complicit in the continuing crimes against humanity represented by the Boston bombing, by 9/11, and by so many other acts of cowardly, sub-human viciousness done in recent years supposedly in the name of Allah.

It is not enough for Muslim clerics to meekly protest that, well, Islam is supposedly a religion of peace and that they themselves aren’t guilty. It is even worse for clerics and other Islamic leaders to spend more time protesting against the “mistreatment,” via “profiling,” of Muslims than they do to squash the evil in their own midst.

What’s necessary now is an open, public, enthusiastic, organized, energetic, emphatic and long-lasting effort by Muslim leaders to eradicate the very idea that their faith, understood correctly, calls for violent jihad or murder. Without such an effort, it is at least arguable that, by their silence and inaction, they in effect become accessories to evil.”

What profiling? If only they would profile. it’s just common sense, stuff the loony lefty liberal PC brigade.

Birmingham seems like a typical US City, no real soul or character.

Tuesday – hot and sunny.

What is it with old balding Harley Davidson riders with pony tails, or in this case a plaited pony tail, bound to be a Bob Dylan fan. And what is it with Harley riders who think they have a god given right to shatter everyones ear drums or wake the whole neighbourhood up at the crack of dawn with their nosy growling macho machines – phallic extensions.

It’s goodbye Alabama today as we head North to Chattanooga on our way to the Smoky Mountains. 

Decide to take the scenic route. It’s called “Lookout Mountain Parkway“, that’s if you can find it? Then if you can find it you start to realise it’s been sign posted by some lunatic who’s 3 points short of a compass. Then we have the luny speed limits. It seems that speed limit is inversely proportional to the value of the homes in the area. The rich can obviously get the speeds slowed down, even though the roads just the same as a 55MPH road.

But despite that our 160 mile journey takes 6 hours it’s worth it. The Parkways very beautiful; great stop offs with views down the river gorge; waterfalls. Stop off in Fort Payne for lunch in a quaint restaurant come antique shop like something out of the 1950’s. Accents are getting stronger. Waitress asks me if I’ve been to see the henteks, pardon, henteks, sorry I didn’t catch that, henteks – antiques, we get there in the end.

Nip into Georgia for 30 miles, that’s another state to tick off the list, and then we’re in Tennessee – they’re into double letters in their spellings around here.

Finally get to stay at a Clarion Hotel, free breakfast, good wifi, very comfortable suite, separate bedroom area and even a jacuzzi as well as a normal bath – excessive. All for £70 a night.

AAADD – KNOW THE SYMPTOMS…..

Thank goodness there’s a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better, even
though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. – Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests itself:

I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I head towards the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I picked up from the postman earlier. I decide to go through it before I wash the car.

I put my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the recycling box under the table, and notice that the recycling box is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the recycling first.

But then I think, since I’m going to be near the post-box when I take out the recycling paper anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my cheque book off the table and notice that there is only one cheque left.

My extra cheques are in the desk in my study, so I go into the house to my desk where I find the cup of coffee I’d been drinking. I’m going to look for my cheques but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.

The coffee is getting cold, and I decide to make another cup.. As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye – the flowers need water.

I put the coffee on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers..

I put the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I’ll be looking for the remote, but I on’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I put the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:

The car isn’t washed. The bills aren’t paid. There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the kitchen work-surface. The flowers don’t have enough water. There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book. I can’t find the remote. I can’t find my glasses. And I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all bloody day and I’m really tired.

Don’t laugh – if this isn’t you yet, your day is coming.

Thankfully these bumbling Islamic terrorist we’re a few nails short of a nail bomb:

Six Islamic terrorists facing lengthy prison sentences after admitting plot to bomb EDL rally causing mayhem and mass injuries
They arrived at rally at 4pm – only to find it had finished at 2pm
Extremists’ car stopped on their way home because it had no insurance
Vehicle is towed with a cache of weapons hidden inside
They had a nail bomb, two shotguns and swords – but they weren’t found at the compound for TWO DAYS
Group didn’t take mobiles with them on day of the attack to avoid detection
Jewel Uddin was involved in another bomb plot which could have been ‘bigger than the 7/7 atrocities’

Saturday – hot and humid. It’s 78 by 10:00.

Breakfast is back to normal with waffles. Black guy (not PC I know) comes into the breakfast area to ask the receptionist how to tie a tie – no this isn’t the start of a joke. Receptionist has no idea either so I end up giving tie tiring lessons and tie two ties for this geezer. Good to know that usBrits and empire are still good for something.

Check out of our Quality Inn & Suites. Nice hotel; a really friendly greeting on arrival; great wifi; Ice cream, cookies and popcorn in the evening; hot breakfast in the morning; large suite all for $80 a night.

Drive over from Vicksburg to Jackson – the state capital. 

Check in early to another Quality Inn & Suites. Another large suite, great wifi and all for $60 a night.

Drive down to the Farm and Agriculture museum. A interesting indoor museum  along with original farm buildings; village store; gas station (petrol); church; masonic lodge and cotton mill to name but a few. A pleasant 2 hours strolling around on a self guided tour.

Then decide to drive into Jackson to stroll around the Froden shopping district. Best described as a dump.

Visit a giant outdoor shop complete with 100 foot waterfall; giant aquarium and trout stream – only in America. But there the amazement with Jackson ends.

We’re still trying to find a supermarket. It seems the whole state has been monopolised by Walmart. That’s it you have Walmart, Walmart and perhaps a Kroeger. Choice? There is none. Should this be a wake up call to us?

I think I may have mentioned that the dominant cuisine in Mississippi seems to be frying. If its edible then before ŷou dish it out, fry it seems to be the rule. Breadcrumb it and then fry it is the ultimate golden rule.

Well tonight we’ve had enough. Yes we’ve enjoyed all the new exotic dishes, but tonight it’s something simple thats been no where near a frying pan. So we search high and low. What do we have in the end? A salad, the only thing they can’t fry. “Oh I’m sorry we can’t serve wine sir, this is a dry county.”

You know friends think this travelling is all fun and pleasure. Little do they realise the deprivations us pioneer travellers have to suffer. Here we are in the 21st Century in Jackson, Mississippi a dry state. NO WINE. How do people survive here? Has the place been infested with Mormons? It’s like going to a 3rd World country. No doubt some local tin pot religious fruitcake Christian fundamentalist clown of a politician has decided to inflict his views on the rest of the inhabitants.

Certainly not impressed with Jackson in particular and Mississippi as a state seems a bit basic and backward.

A guy goes in an adult book store and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says, “Male or female?”
Customer says, “Female.”
Counter guy asks, “Black or white?”
Customer says, “White.”
Counter guy asks, “Radical Christian or Muslim Extremist?”
Customer says, “What the hell does religion have to do with it?”
Counter guy says, “The Muslim Extremist blows itself up.”

Go on have a good laugh at yourselves. It’s really not that bad.

Sunday – clouds and rain, but very warm.

Breakfast is a waffle training session for one of the locals who doesn’t have a clue. Followed by a discussion with some red neck who has the solution to the Korean situation. Bomb the little bastard, it’ll only take an hour and those poor blighters don’t look very happy anyway. 

Swap cars at Jackson airport. “A full-sized Chevy for you sir.” “Please can I have a mid sized Chevy Cruze?” She looks at me as if I’m some sort of half wit out of a shack in a Bayou.

Chevy Cruze it is.

Drive up to Birmingham, Alabama about 3 hours drive.

Check into a lovely suite in a Comfort Inn just outside Birmingham. All of $75 a night including breakfast and wifi.

Pop out in the pouring rain for some dinner and a bottle of wine, 

Here in the Bible Belt there’s another form of Religious fruitcakes, it’s the Christian fundamentalists this time, mind you, in the main, they don’t go around trying to blow you up or stone you to death. Instead in Shelby county it’s no alcohol on a Sunday, yet 2 miles down the road in Jefferson county you can buy alcohol. And of course you can buy a gun anywhere!

Apparently many states prohibit selling alcohol for on and off-premise sales in one form or another on Sundays at some restricted time, under the idea that people should be in church on Sunday morning, or at least not drinking.

Yet the 1st amendment states “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion….”. So here we have a law respecting the Christian religion and ramming it’s archaic doctrines down everyones throat.

The Supreme Court of the United States held in its landmark case, McGowan v. Maryland (1961), that Maryland’s blue laws violated neither the Free Exercise Clause nor the Establishment Clause of the First Amendment to the United States Constitution. It approved the state’s blue law restricting commercial activities on Sunday, noting that while such laws originated to encourage attendance at Christian churches, the contemporary Maryland laws were intended to serve “to provide a uniform day of rest for all citizens” on a secular basis and to promote the secular values of “health, safety, recreation, and general well-being” through a common day of rest.

OK sort of makes some sorted of warped sense. In which case why aren’t the supermarkets closed?

21st century and this lunacy prevails in a supposedly civilised country. Yet another argument in favour of banning religion. God bless the agnostics and atheists!

Buy 6 bottles to be on the safe side as who knows what Christian lunacy prevails in Tennessee.

Thursday – hot and sunny.

Good breakfast followed by coffee in the room watching the Mississippi roll on by. Massive barges plying their trade, fast down stream but walking pace upstream against the current. 

Drive down to the Frogmore Plantation for a guided tour around an original plantation and slave quarters. Superb guided tour. Knowledgable guide tells us all about cotton picking then and now and slave life. Even get the chance to pick some cotton. All supported by two great videos. Can’t believe it took us 2.5 hours. Well worth the money.

After our lavish lunch, a banana and water, we visit Melrose an original Antebellum Greek style plantation owners house. Operated by the National Park service and as its National Park week entrance is free. As usual with NP there’s a great guided tour. All the original furniture is still inside and it’s been lovingly restored.

Then we have a stroll around downtown Natchez. Stop for a beer at a local “pub” by the river.

Stop off in a local gift shop run by the black equivalent of Arkwright. A real sales women. Mind you not that we could understand her, our “teach y’all American” certainly dint prepare us-all for this Southern drawl. I’m sure it’s getting broader as we move further North!

For tea it’s Fried dill pickles, Muffalattas and hush puppies complete with jalapeños – yes they’re fried but not a shoe. For Wendy it’s shrimp and crawfish chowder followed by a catfish po-boy. Thankfully I had half a Muffalattas, a real cholesterol special. How anyone could eat a full one defies anatomical logic – you certainly wouldn’t be able to walk out, probably need a 911 call to carry you out on a stretcher.

Another action packed day.

According to one of his family members Tamerlan Tsarnaev was, among other things, ‘angry that the world pictures Islam as a violent religion.’ His efforts to refute this charge included planting bombs in the middle of a family sports event in Boston, killing – among others – an eight year old boy.

The case brings to mind that of Muzzammil Hassan from western New York. Hassan was the founder of Bridges TV in the US – a station set up to help ‘non-Muslims overcome the negative images they may have of both Muslims and Islam.’ Mr Hassan was subsequently convicted and sent to prison for beheading his wife.

It seems like the religion of peace has really been at it this week, two Muslim Canadians are on trial for trying to blow up a Canadian passenger train to New York. Three Muslim men – including a convert – are on trial at the Old Bailey for plotting to blow up a number of UK targets including the town of Wooton Basset. And at Woolwich Crown Court a cell of radical Muslims from Birmingham are being sentenced for attempting to detonate a set of rucksack bombs and carry out ‘Mumbai-style’ attacks in the UK at targets including synagogues.

Fortunately we in Britain have many politicians willing to address the issues surrounding this. For example, there is Baroness Warsi who was on the television only the other day presenting a short film on ‘Islamophobia’ and declaring that ‘the good news is that government is finally dealing with the issue [of ‘Islamophobia’] and it is now a priority.’

I’d have thought the priority was stopping these fundamentalist attacks and ensuring that we retain freedom of speech, including the right to criticise or mock any religion. “Sticks and stones!”

Q. How many Muslim extremists will it take to destroy America?
A. None, American Liberals can do it all by themselves, thank you.

Friday – another hot, sunny and humid day.

Take a short drive up the river to Vicksburg, scene of famous civil war battles and long siege. Vicksburg was a key Confederate stronghold that controlled the Mississippi. Many battle as the Union tried to take it but all were repulsed. In the end they lay siege to the town and eventual the Confederates surrended. That’s the history lesson over.

Place is run by the National Parks Service so as usual there’s a good visitors centre with a great movie on the battles of Vicksburg. Then you do a +90 minute drive around the battle fields and visit the Ironclad paddle steamer Cairo. All very well done and informative but for the battlefield you can’t help feeling it lacks that something. More of a pleasant drive around a monument filled cemetery. Not the sort of place that would excite or engage young children. Perhaps that says it all about the age of my mind. Would have been really good if at least one area was set up “as it was at the battle”, Disney style, complete with trenches, shell craters, mud and gore etc. You don’t come away with any feeling of the true horrors of war, especially back then.

Tuesday – hot, very humid and sunny.

Another action packed day. Off on an airboat swamp tour and then a stroll around the Barataria Park park of the Jean Lafitte National Park.

Get to see an Albino crocodile. In captivity as it would not survive in the wild – no camouflage. Also get to see Albino fire engines, They’re all white, freaky, now there’s a first.

It’s a 2 hour tour all very interesting. Before we start, what does raw chicken, human fingers and marsh mellows have in common? Answer: Alligators love them. Don’t ask how they discovered the passion for marsh mellows!

Our guide throws marsh mellows and the gators come. Interesting tour but the gators are no where near as impressive as those we saw in the Everglades, but at least we got to hold one, poor thing was terrified and peed itself – mind you some of us weren’t so comfortable. Make a lovely pet this ones just 2 years old and will easily grow to 5 foot by the time it’s 5 and then slow down to an inch a year.

Call in at Best Buy on the way home to get the new Sony HX300 camera; 50 time magnification, should be great for birding; good stabilisation, it’ll need it at those magnifications; quick focus, unlike my existing camera; doesn’t take 15 seconds to warm up. Then have a relaxing Starbucks. First of our trip. Starting to get withdrawal symptoms. Really fancy a proper DSLR but I’d need a 3 foot, 15lb lens, a gattling gun sized tripod and a Ford Transit van to tote the gear around. Not my idea of photography. Give me a shirt pocket camera.

Smoked pulled pork Po-Boy for dinner with just a few glasses of wine. What’s a Po-boy? Really nothing fancy just a sandwich served on French bread.

Well the religion of peace has exploded into senseless violence yet again with the Boston Marathon bombings. I’m sure the backlash against their religion will be horrendous. The Americans have had enough.  But what can they expect. I can also see that tightened security may even result in TSA on the streets. Now that would be a disaster, but the way the media is feeding and the potential extra profits make it a strong possibility.

Oh well it looks like Malta’s off my holiday destination list.

A report on worldwide human rights from the US Department of State has revealed that 99 individuals were convicted in Malta last year for public blasphemy , down from 119 in 2011.

Despite its popularity amongst Brits, many are unaware that Maltese law prohibits the vilification of or giving offense to the Roman Catholic Church.

It is also a criminal offense to utter publicly any obscene or indecent words, make obscene acts or gestures or in any other way offend public morality, propriety or decency.

With my blog I could well be prosecuted. Yet another attack on free speech.

Wednesday – warm, black skies, lightning and heavy rain. To top it all there’s a Tornado Watch alert.

We set off on our drive up the Great River Road on our way to the Evergreen Plantation. Alas no one, including Trevor MacDonald mentioned that you hardly get to see the Mississippi as you drive along as it’s obscured by Levies – obviously no thought for the tourists when they built them. Mind you as we criss cross the river at least you get some good, but fleeting views from the bridges. Interesting most of the bridges have no walkways, but then again this is America so no one walks anywhere anyway – perhaps they swim across.

Evergreen Plantation is a wash out. Pouring it down – in typical American fashion even the rain is bigger – and they don’t fancy doing a guided tour amongst all those oak trees and lightning. Never mind we have to stick with the Trevor MacDonald DVD.

Drive up the back roads to Baton Rouge and then onto Natchez. Call in at a Mississippi Tourist Information centre. Offered free coffee, good helpful advice from very pleasant and friendly staff, with free wifi of course.

Comfort Suite hotel in Natchez is pretty grand, when we finally find it – bloody satnav. We get a suite with a Mississippi river view. Very relaxing watching the barges.

Dinner in the hotel is best described as interesting. The fried green beens were off the menu. I venture for the Catfish, fried of course, along with everything else in Mississippi. Frying seems to be their signature dish. You name they fry it, although they were a little taken back with the thought of a fried Mars bar.

In France, the police are now taking action against people caught in public wearing a burqa.

So far they’ve arrested four Muslims and seven letterboxes.

Has the BBC finally grown some balls?

BBC: Panorama – Secrets of Britain’s Sharia Councils

Panorama goes undercover to investigate what is really happening in Britain’s Sharia Councils – Islamic religious courts. Some women reveal they have suffered domestic violence ignored by these councils as campaigners say it is time to tackle the parallel legal system which can run counter to British law.

How can we tolerate a separate legal system? Meanwhile lets wait for the toys to be thrown out the pram, the backlash, the rioting and protestations.

Birmingham rally calls for the UK to implement blasphemy laws

Up to 25,000 British Pakistani people gathered in Aston Park in Birmingham to call on the British government to introduce legislation that bars people from insulting Islam.

The participants made a peaceful and colourful mile-long march to the park where they heard speakers included interfaith leaders from Christian, Hindu, Sikh, and Jewish religions and parliamentarians from Conservative, Labour and Liberal Democrats.

Hazrat Peer Alauddin Siddiqui, who is a renowned Sufi cleric, told Geo News: that the recent film, The Innocence of Muslims has caused hurt to Muslims all over the world. He added that It’s not fair that some people insult Islam everyday and preach hatred through their actions and words but the lack of legislation encourages such elements. We want to tell our government that insults are unacceptable and inflammatory language is contributing to the rise of extremism amongst youth in western countries.

Here they go again. Oh the poor wee things. No doubt the do gooders and bleeding hearts will be chomping at the bit. Free speech seems to be under attack everywhere, predominantly from religious fruitcakes. If this gets implemented I think we’ll become political refugees and flee the country.