Tony & Wendy's Travel Blog

Carol runs us back home and drops Wendy off at the Christian Centre and then we hit the slopes. Have a few runs together and then I get her to enjoy the day rather than sticking with me on the easy slopes. Meet up for coffee.

What an awesome day, great weather and plenty of snow, although a bit crunchy. Still sticking with my “get my head back together” plan and enjoying the easy and flattering runs. A real confidence boost today. Skiings coming back together and so is fitness as I manage whole runs with no stops and no burnout. Very tempted to up the anti, but will stick with it for the week, got my 10 planned runs in.

Wow saw a sight rarer than a Mountain Lion sighting, as a scum boarder checked behind him before setting off. Amazing. Good job none of his mates saw him letting the side down. There’s hope yet.

Having a locker is great. No longer have to lug those heavy planks of wood up, but also have a comfortable locker room to change in.

After skiing walk down to the Christian Centre to pick Wendy up and walk home. She’s bought a bag of toys for all of $5. They weigh a ton as I lug them back home, like a knackered pack horse donkey, hotter than two hampsters farting in a wool sock in my artic gear, sweltering in the sun.

Lazy evening trying to stay awake.

Well my weight loss is going great. I won’t call it a diet as I’m eating normal and assisting the American wine industry. In just under 1 weeks lazy skiing I’ve lost 4lbs. Once I get in full swing skiing I’ll have to be careful walking over sewer grates in case I fall through. Perhaps need to increase the wine intake to slow down weight loss!

Lazy start to the day.

It’s 44F, like skiing on a slush puppy – spring skiing. Hard work. Don’t like. Just manage 5 runs before throwing my toys out the pram and going home. Mind you at least with 10 weeks here you can afford to be picky – did I really just say that? Where’s the obsessive, must ski all day every day me gone?

Bloody hell it’s raining down here. Not doing the snow any good. Need fewer therms.

On my daily commute there’s some awesome wildlife as two Moose are just loitering around outside Jans on a busy corner. Alas no Mountain Lion sighting. Who knows perhaps the Bear will be back this year.

Still being slightly stupid when it comes to skiing, I set off for a few runs. At least it’s not a white out but the driving snow means it serious goggle skiing. They don’t have any wipers so visibility is confusing and it’s so warm that we’re still skiing on a giant slush puppy. After a few runs, enough to get me another “Stupid Skier” pin, common sense kicks in and I quit. Good news is despite my gear being drenched I’m cocooned in a warm dry shell thanks to my 10 year old jacket and new ski pants.

Spat me vitals, another days skiing compromised, feeling like a Dalek whose plan to conquer the world was frustrated by a staircase.

Call off at Starbucks to try another of their reserve coffees and buy a bag for home.

Wendy’s volunteering at the hospital. I very kindly meet her off the bus and we travel home together. Lazy afternoon and evening. Catch up on some UK TV.

Meanwhile feeling like banging my head against a wall as I try to understand how Trump’s Immigration ban has violated the constitution. It seems that there’s enough muddied waters to make a whole anti-trump parade of millionaire lawyers. I’d always thought having a written constitution, unlike ours based on past precedent, would make life easier and clearer.

Wow 13″ of the good stuff overnight. The World looks a heavenly place this morning – paradise.

Set off to see Angela race on Nascar. Never seen lift queues like it. Takes me 45 minutes just to get to the top of Payday, and thats using the singles line. Angela bombs down Nascar, great little skier.

Snow pretty good but tough skiing with all that fresh powder. Very busy, frighteningly so in places. Too busy, too many queues, too many people. Spoils it.

Walk down to Chase and then meet Wendy at supermarket – well where else would you expect to find her.

Hal and Carol come round for dinner as Angela’s having her first sleep over and they’re unsure whether she’ll stay.

First really bluebird days since we’ve been here.

Up and out early to get Anna and Leon sorted with ski hire. Then a great days skiing. It nice and cold and they had 3″ of new snow overnight so the snows in pretty good, squeaky, condition.

I quit just after lunch time as Jere and Diana picked us up and took us to the Park City Mountain Sports Club (PCMSC) apres ski. It’s a bring an appetiser and own booze do at Bobs home. What massive awesome home they have. He has an amazing collection of baskets and Indian pottery. Finally get to pay our club dues, all of $25 a year. Money well spent. Have a great afternoon with plenty of nice food and much chit chat about skiing. Trump’s kept out of the polite conversation.

Up early for another great days skiing with Anna and Leon.

Hal picks us up and takes us up to the mountain so we can use 6 of his buddy passes. What awesome friends we have.

Snows still in pretty good condition although some runs are a bit icy.

Meet up with Wendy for lunch and butties at PC base. Then I quit and make our way home, via the liquor store – need wine.

Lazy start to the day. I don’t get up there until 11:00, letting the snow soften up.

Hals out on the mountain and gives me a ring to hook up (learnt that in my teach yourself American course). We meet up and I drag his skiing down to my level. Have a great morning skiing with him, he helps me regain some of the confidence I lost thanks to that crazy scumboarder yesterday.

Coffee on the beach outside Campos, enjoying the sun and putting the World to rights. What an awesome day; what awesome skiing; what an awesome life.

Drop my skis off for waxing. Don’t you just love it when people tell you they don’t need them sharpening, just waxing, even though they’ll get less revenue. Cole Sports, a no rip off shop.

Join Wendy, somewhat belatedly, for Tipsy Tuesday. Pass on the Margarhetas, a girls drink, but commit a sin and have a well deserved beer. Great free Nachos and Salsa.

National Ability Centre send out an urgent request for volunteers, I nip along and volunteer to do guiding from Sunday. They’re a great organisation and do such great job, they really do deserve support.

Escape at last, for 10 weeks skiing in paradise. Assuming I can avoid any major breaks.

So it’s goodbye remoaners, who are out to screw Brexit and the country. Goodbye liberal lefty PC stormtroopers. Goodbye to busy body marches – it’s nothing to do with you and is democracy in action. Goodbye to the hypocrisy on sensible border controls. Goodbye to endless futile petitions. Goodbye to toddler tantrums thrown by prissy and spoiled millennials.

You’ll not be missed.

Hopefully by the time we get back everyone will have calmed down and we’ll be on our way out of the Evil Union.

We escape in style as we fly Virgin Upper class Manchester to Atlanta. We upgraded with our air miles. What an amazing way to travel, but what silly prices. They tuck you up with a continental quilt and a brandy to drown the nightmares, but no bedtime stories and you can tell times are hard when there’s no onboard masseur or upper class chef.

Arrive in Park City 24 hours after leaving home but the luxury of the 9 hour flight certainly made the trip much easier. Sadly it’s back to cattle class from now on, at least until we amass enough air miles for an upgrade or accelerate the rate at which we fritter away of our kids inheritance – tempting.

No comment on the usual screening / TSA crap. I think I need some tablets or a better surfboard wax to keep me on my virtual surfboard of life when encountering this nonsense. Just think of it. The so called World’s leading country, suffers all this through a few 7th century barbaric rag heads, and can’t come up with better scanners and solutions. Time for Trump to get his teeth into this senseless bloated job creation industry that’s got too big to ever be tackled.

Our new home for the next 10 weeks is awesome – see pictures. Thanks to Janelle and Mike. It’s oh so comfortable, quality all round and well equipped. Feeling at home already.

Sadly no skiing as Wendy has to go for her drug test, needed if she wants to volunteer at the hospital. I ask you is it really likely a 68 year old Nanna is on anything stronger than Ovaltine? Then it’s the Costco experience to really excise our credit cards. To further enhance the days shopping extravaganza it’s the local supermarket. Wendy’s in her element. By this time I’m off to the liquor store for the essentials (wine, beer and brandy) and then I slink off to Starbucks, drowning my lost ski day sorrows in one of there selected coffees.

Well that’s it, from now on I’m allowed on the slopes.

My big debut day on the slopes. Yeah, I can still ski, so that’s a start. Must admit there’s quite a bit of trepidation, especially as I get off my nemesis, that dam lift, for the first time. I’m taking it easy on green runs for the first week as I try to get my head back together. I’m also not that fit. Well actually my dodgy leg is fine, no problem, exercises paid off, but my good leg is burning out and needs strengthening.

Stop for a well deserved coffee. I’ve been well and truly fleeced. $5.39 for a cup of coffee. Of course I have a few polite but caustic comments about greed and having a urine sample taken. “Ah but you can have free refills sir”. As if that makes any difference, although next time I’ll bring a flask and top it up. The young cashier tried to make me feel better by showing me how ridiculous a Burger, chips and coke were at $28.

An awesome first days skiing. Great weather, awesome snow and best of all I survived.

Wendy’s toddled off to the Christian Aid centre to volunteer on reception. Another day to keep her out of trouble. Pick her up from there and return the Hertz mobile. From now on we’re poor, have to make do with the bus and shank’s pony – very healthy.

Start the day with a healthy breakfast of granola and red fruits. Oh the joys of eating healthy as I chomp down on a brick in my granola and a slab size portion of tooth comes off like a glacier calving. That’s what you get eating healthy. In future I’ll stick to buttermilk pancakes or waffles.

Being Saturday the dentists are all resting their weary laurels, such a hared job, so I’ll have to slice my tongue every few minutes and suffer until Monday.

Oh well time to hit the slopes.

Another great days skiing, even if it is only on the easy greens for now. I really should have done more all round ski exercises.

Evening we start on my free trial of HBO Now. They really seem to have a great selection and it works over a VPN from the UK.

Given the traffic gridlock early yesterday I have a leisurely start to the day and set off around 11:00. Get a couple of hours awesome skiing in even if limited to the greens.

Meet Wendy for lunch at Jupiter Java. Surprise, surprise Eva, our favourite barista is there – she’d got a new job at Wells Fargo, is now studying accountancy at night school but still works here most Sundays as well. We get high fives and hugs all around. I hold Eva responsible for our destitution having introduced me to Dirty Chai’s, which now cost me a fortune at Starbucks.

Wendy sets off home on foot and I have another couple of hours skiing.

It’s weird this getting it back together on skis. I know I’m competent, and touch wood, hardly ever fall. My first broken femur was due to hitting too fast a mogul field I didn’t realise was there. My second was due to a witch from California stamping on my ski. Yet I’m still nervous. Im so much more aware of idiots around me who come to close. But, FSM forbid, even if I was confined to skiing just green slopes for ever it would still be the most awesome. It’s just so great to be out there and enjoy the mountains.

More HBO to drop off to. I blame the wine.

Appointment with fear arranged for 11:00. Dentist even remembers me from last time 3 years ago. His advice is a crown as he doesn’t think a filling will last long. A mere $1,129, to think people moan about NHS. All very efficient from a cast of thousands.

Amazing isn’t it for the past 25 years or so I’ve had fillings and crowns without the needle and have never really had any pain, either during or after treatment. This is a big job so I opt for the needle, but pass on the laughing gas. The second injections more painful than anything in the past 25 years. I thought water boarding was illegal in the US, Despite Trump’s wishes, well this dentist doesn’t seem aware of that as he sprays water in my mouth, does a great job of near choking me. I’m in the torture chair for 90+ minutes, by which time the injections wearing off. And then to top it all the rest of the day I’m in pain from the pneumatic drill he’s used on me while fitting the temporary crown. In those 25 years I’ve never suffered any after pain like this.

Joy I can come back in two weeks for fitting the proper Zirconium crown. Can hardly wait.

No trip to Kimble junction would be complete without Wendy sauntering in not one but two supermarkets. Treat her to a new girlie pink haversack – aren’t I kind.

Yeah, great news we’ve booked our flights for our Park City summer extravaganza. Yes, we escape for 10 weeks back to paradise.

Need copious bottles of medicinal wine tonight to overcome the pain.

A wasted day. No skiing.

Well apparently they closed the Interstate both ways because a herd of Elk have decided to take a stroll down it. Just love this country.

Well I tried to talk Helen out of skiing with me whilst I’m still taking it easy, but she’s a glutton for punishment.

We set off in a howling gale, snowing, flat light and powder drifts all over. You can hardly see where we’re going and after one run our gear is soaked. We both agree it’s time to call it a day, this is no fun. Assumedly we’ll get the “Stupid Skier Pin” for venturing out in such conditions. Good news is there’s no lift lines and hardly anyone out.

Helen and George share there locker with me. This is awesome as it means I won’t have to lug my skis up every day and there’s a pleasant locker room available.

Helen comes back to our place for a coffee, whilst waiting for George. Meanwhile Wendy’s tootled off to the hospital to sign up as a volunteer and complete her learning modules.

Carol and Hal pick us up in the afternoon to take us back to their new home for dinner. It’s awesome, +5,000 square feet; enough bedrooms and bathrooms to house a hoard of refugees; fantastic views over the Timpanoga Mountains; nice and remote. We have a lovely dinner and then stay the night so they can drop us back in PC in the morning. By way of a change I help Hal assemble some bunk beds, enjoy it, really is my forte these days, needs to be as the instructions are about as much use as a PC with no screen.

Awesome American friends.

Yet again we’re resisting the temptation to swell the coffers of the card companies, but instead will be making a donation to Cancer Research UK.

And if anyones offended by the word Christmas, tough.

Up and out early, a rare event for us geriatrics. It’s cold and rainy. Getting us prepared for our return to Belthorn.

Drive down to Pinnacles National Park.

23 million years ago multiple volcanoes erupted, flowed, and slid to form what would become Pinnacles National Park. What remains is a landscape unlike any other. Travelers journey through grasslands, chaparral, oak woodlands, and canyon bottoms. Hikers enter rare talus caves and emerge to towering rock spires teeming with life: Prairie and Peregrine falcons, Golden eagles, and the inspiring California condor.

Luckily by the time we get there it’s stopped raining. I hobble around a short walk and get some photos. Also yet another cap to add to my collection. Oh yes forgot to mention my fall yesterday. Tripped up over a step at Nat and Paul’s. Banged my right knee up, smashed the filter on my camera. Luckily my femurs ok and the filter did its job and protected the rest of the camera. Another sign of old age. Now I’m hobbling around with a very bruised knee.

Oh and Wendy’s did see a bald eagle yesterday, a sighting was on the overnight news.

Then we drive up to Salinas, our next overnight stop. I finally get to visit the Steinbeck museum, the objective of our Salinas stopover. Not a massive museum but a sort of pilgrimage. Last time we were here, we arrived too late as it was just closing.

In the evening we finally get to try an In / Out Burger.

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Yes, we sure live it up. Amazing this place is heaving and next door the MacDonalds is empty. Have a 3 * 3, they sure are good. Better than MacD’s.

Drive up to San Francisco. Our hotel is awesome. Half the cost of our previous SF hotel and restores some faith in Choice hotels. For once a choice hotel with no problems and very luxurious. Just lately we’ve started to give up on choice hotels, there’s always some sort of problem. Started using Best Western and have not been disappointed. But this place is exceptional.

Martha and Bob (home exchangers from San Diego) pick us up at the hotel and take us a tour to the Bay park and then onto the Cliff Inn for dinner. Spectacular sea and sunset views, good food and company. Really good to meet up with them.

Had a pleasant stroll down to the local Starbucks, sat out watching the world go by and absorbing caffeine. Late check out of the hotel and then off to the airport to begin our day of hell.

It starts of course with a queue to check-in as they can’t be bothered to open yet. Now I can appreciate that the majority of people don’t arrive more than 3 hours ahead, but judging by this queue quite a few do. Now with a morsel of common sense and some thought for customer service, they could have just one checkin person on a couple of hours early. Then we have the inevitable misery of the TSA before we mange to escape to the comfort, seclusion and alcohol of an airport lounge.

Food and alcohol selection in the lounge is excellent, so we have our dinner there rather than suffering airline food. I have a lovely bottle of Pomerol. At least when I get on board I can don my eye mask, take a couple of sleeping tablets and hopefully get some sleep with no disturbance. Don’t think the sleeping tablets are much good. Do they have a sell by date?

Flights very good. We have exit row seats, so plenty of leg room. Unusual for Virgin the cabin crew are like a bunch of lobotomised autistics. Zero personality. Zero interaction.

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Don’t I just love TSA stupidity. In just 20 feet, in full sight of all TSA agents and other passengers I’ve had my boarding pass checked by 3 separate TSA agents. Then I pile everything out of my pockets into my jacket, only to be told I can keep my jacket on. You just can’t win against this random stupidity.

Flight lands on time Tuesday morning. Clear immigration in record time despite my fears to the contrary and my automatic passport scan not working.

Pick car up and then the real hell begins. Road closed by the police for some unknown reason, so takes about an hour to escape London. Then there’s a 71 minute delay on the M6 South of manchester. Road works for eternity. When will they stop these long stretches of road works? When will they stop so many road works in the same area? How are they allowed to get away with this madness. Time to hand out some brown envelopes or have a Saturday afternoon lion feeding. Try accepting Satnav alternate route to end up driving down pitch black, narrow country lanes. Give that up and resort back to the motorway.

By now I’ve totally lost it. Smashed my virtual surfboard of life against the virtual skulls of the dimwits responsible for this chaos. Foaming at the mouth. Thankfully you’re not allowed to have a gun in this country, otherwise I’d have shot all responsible.

There’s just no retribution against this madness. No one is ever made to pay or is accountable. You have to wonder, how many of these journeys could be avoided with remote working? Sadly we have no politicians with a skerrick of common sense, no transport policy, no tax incentives for remote working and worst of all no accountability.

Finally get home after 5 hours of hell. Time for a well deserved Jeva and try my quality Hennessy

For all those whining cry babies who are throwing their toys out the pram because Trump won and now want to flee the country. Go. Abandon your country. We’ll gladly have your citizenship. Dual citizenship would suit us just right.

Our cultural overdose watching “The Two Gentlemen of Verona” by Billy Shakespoke. Wendy dragged along kicking and screaming. Not bad for a first attempt at writing a play.

The language is oh so rich but so fast that you don’t really have time to let it seep in and enjoy it. They should have to pause after each sentence so you can absorb it.

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At last we get some rain here in the desert. Yes, apparently San Diego is classed as a desert.

Lazy morning. Pop down to see Ralph in the supermarket.

After lunch we take a stroll along the beach down to Belmont Park. It’s an old 60’s style amusement park complete with wooden rollercoaster that these days would be considered ideal for a tiny tots amusement park. That’s enough excitement for the day.

Up and out down to the Old Town to pick up the Hop On and Off Tram tour. A tad expensive but a great way to see San Diego – again.

Hop off for a wander around the Gas Lamp district. What a waste that was.

Hop off for a wander around Coronado. Visit the hotel but decide lunch and even a coffee are just too ridiculously priced. Have a stroll around followed by a Panera lunch for Wendy and Starbucks for. Coronado is so up market and relaxing.

Hop off at Bilbao Park for a stroll around. Have tea at the Japanese Tea Hous. Interesting discussion there with 3 raving ranting raging democratic storm troopers, who think that anyone who voted Trump was an idiot and the sun shone out of poor Hilary’s vagina. Wow this country is so polarised. Is there no middle ground? To listen to them everything Trump does is crazy and evil, even breathing. Surely most Americans would agree that both candidates were awful and it was down to choosing the lesser of two evils.

We didn’t hop off at Little Italy, but it looks a great place for a stroll and some coffee.

Finish our tour back at the Old Town. More Mexican shops and restaurants than tacos on a Tuesday.

A great day out. What a lovely city San Diego is if you keep off the Freeways and don’t go out at night.

Lazy morning cleaning up etc.

After lunch we head down to Carrillo National Monument. Free admission with our NP pass, awesome views over San Diego and the Coronado and some pleasant strolls. Watch an interesting film on the Grey Whale. Wow it travels 4,000 miles a year to feed, have sex and give birth.

Pack in the evening and we’re all ready for the last leg of our grand trip.

Happy Thanksgiving America. You can now give thanks that the 18 month pantomime that was your Presidential election is over. Hopefully now is the time to come together and work together. Sadly, like BREXIT, reading the entrails, it’s not looking too favourable.

Set off to Santa Barbara. Involves a drive through Los Angalas, 7 lanes of potential hell, but it turns out that everyone’s tucking into turkey so it’s not too bad.

Black Friday – are they really allowed to call it that?

Drive up to Atascadero to visit Nat and Paul. They were our first home exchangers, in Sedona, and were responsible for puting us onto the home exchange path. Have a lovely afternoon with them, with a trip in Paul’s 1960’s Cadillac. Can you believe this car, only 37,000 miles on the clock, in mint condition, enough steel in it to keep the American steel industry going for a year, a 8.2 litre engine (just drive down the drive and you need a refill) and roomy enough for 2 families to live in. It’s awesome. They certainly don’t make cars like that anymore. A car from an era of big cars. Have a drive around town and practice my royal wave.

Have afternoon tea and then in the evening it’s dinner. A great time meeting old friends, great food, great company. It’s years since we saw them but we pick up just as if it was yesterday.

I see the Obamas have had their Christmas tree delivered. I’m surprised they’ve got the gonads to call it a Christmas tree. I’d have thought holiday tree would have been their mealy mouthed PC response.

Thanks to the scrots from our Coronado home exchange we have been let down at the last minute. But all is not lost, thanks to Chris and De-Shaun, we spend 3 nights with them up at San Marcos. Then another home exchanger has stepped into the breach with a two bedroom condo down on Mission Beach.

Lazy morning in the hotel after the worst breakfast ever served in the garage of a Comfort Inn. Choice hotels really are loosing the plot. There’s always some sort of screw up with them.

After lunch we drive up to Chris’s lovely new home in San Marco. Get settled in there and meet the dog pack. Wendy wants to take the cute little poodle cross home with here.

In the evening we go out for dinner in the Mall. Good choice on the menu, I even get to have Tappas, which only in America includes pizza. Love the home made Jalepeno sauce. Cant believe the wine prices, why they even make NCL cruise prices look cheap.

We both slept like a black bear in hibernation. I think we’ll be trying to sneak this mattress out in our luggage when we leave.

Set off to Carlsbad for a wander around and lunch. Carlsbad village is all very up market and pleasant.

Then drive up to Oceanside. Lovely beach resort. Typical California beach town complete with pier. Full of healthy people enjoying plenty of fresh air, exercise and the beach – no excess adipose tissue blobbies around here. Have a stroll down the pier and afternoon tea at a traditional American diner at the end of the pier, complete with typical American diner waitresses.

Pick up a Mexican takeaway for tea on the way back to Chris’s.

Off down to San Diego Safari park for the day – well afternoon. Walk the whole zoo and do the safari tram tour. Neat zoo, I enjoy it but Wendy’s not so impressed, apart from the Gorilla with baby in arms. Knackered by kicking out time.

Take away tonight is a Quesiddila and Taco – it is Taco Tuesday after all, half price everywhere. Both were awesome. Taco had like pork kebab in it. Really must start to have Quesidillas at home.

Leisurely day at Chris’s as we can’t get into our home exchange until 16:00. Supermarket and bank for some cash to pay for our Park City stay in February – can’t wait – first snow has fallen today, somewhat belatedly this year.

Drive down to our new home, on Mission Beach, for the next 8 days. It’s clean and comfortable, only 50 yards from the beach. Thanks to Martha for stepping up at such short notice, saved us from Hotels or VRBO.

Lazy morning with the excitement of a trip to Ralph’s for Wendy and I while away an hour at Starbucks. There’s a crazy geezer sat outside. Can’t tell what sex. Every time someone comes in he begs them, louder than a constipated opera star, for coffee, not money just a coffee. Eventually it gets rewarded for all the excruitiating whining. There really should be a sign saying “don’t feed the wildlife” it only encourages them. Apparently yesterday he was lay down in the middle of a 4 lane road, outside Starbucks, whining and raving for coffee. Is this what happens to you if you drink too much Starbucks.

After lunch we set off down to Torrey Pines State park on our way to Janelle’s for dinner. Drive up the coast. Traffic is like an exodus of arthritic tortoises, nose to arse tail all the way. By the time we arrive at the state park it’s time to leave for dinner so we give it a miss.

Drive on up through even worse Interstate traffic to Janelle’s.

California traffic is dire. I’all not rant about traffic at home after this trip. Well, not for at least a week.

Lovely dinner with Janelle and Mike, along with their friends Bob and marilyn who will also be up at PC when we are there, so good to meet them. Good company, great food and an enjoyable evening putting the World to rights. They were all keen Trump supporters. Amazing how similar the problems and views are the World over.

2nd attempt to visit Torrey Pines State Park. This time we made it.

A pirate at the entrance robs you of $15 to enter. Nice visitors center and we do a few of the easy walks around the cliffs and woods. All very pleasant, but Wendy’s incensed that after putting down a sizeable deposit on the park, just to enter, she cannot eat her lunch on any of the walks.

Then we drive down to La Jolla. Have a pleasant stroll around the beach front and then onto the cove for a starbucks and stroll around. With all the birds and seals around the sea caves it stinks worse than a knackers yard on a summers day. Of course there are warnings not to approach the seal but it’s amazing the level of illiteracy or stupidity in this country. One young blobbie, very akin to the seals in the amount of blubber she’s toting around, just can’t resist trying to get a selfie with a lazing seal.

La Jolla is very up market and you couldn’t mistake it for anywhere other than California.

Have a stroll down Mission beach.

Stop for an Italian espresso by the beach. People watching, the healthy lythe young eye candy roller blading, volley balling, cycling, jogging or just walking. Typical California beach life.

Chris and DeShaun come over for lunch.

Then in the evening we catch up on some BBC.

Well we’re off on our next great adventure, a 7 day cruise around the Hawaii Islands. As with all cruises there’s wifi available but it so expensive we’d both have to sell both kidneys, 8 pints of blood and a heart to pay for any sensible wifi access. It’s the equivalent of going to the dark side of the moon with a bunch of greedy pirates.

Therefore blog will posting will be a tad tardy.

Dropped the car off at the airport, got a shuttle to the port and then joined the usual boarding queue. Being silver members we got expedited registration but it still took 42 minutes of the usual misery.

Ship, boat or whatever they call it – Pride of America – has about 2,000 passengers and layout is quite good. Buffets area is smaller than normal but there are quite a few smaller restaurants around.

Up at the 6 bells for breakfast and to catch our first Wallace Arnold experience with the “Best of Maui” tour. Great they treat my 16 year old mind like that of a 90 year old imbecile with a memory span of a geriatric goldfish – if in doubt repeat it until boredom sets in.

First stop a surf beach to watch them surf.

Second stop a sugar plantation with the usual Disney style trolley tour complete with informative narration on my favourite subject plants!

Third stop an aquarium for lunch and the chance to ogle pretty fish, sharks and coral.

Our driver is very informative and one of the most amusing guides ever and we get to see a lot of the island.

Back on board our floating gin palace for a lazy afternoon and dinner.

Up and out for the crater tour. 07:50 departure.

A long drive up to the Haleakala crater which is at 10,000 feet. No longer an active volcano but worth the trip and another National Park hat to add to the collection. Spectacular views.

Afternoon lazing onboard. Wendy toddles off to make a Lei, otherwise known as a shell necklace. I pass up this tempting opportunity. Back in the day only Hawaiian royalty could wear these. Now any old riff raff can buy or make one. If you’re feeling really stupid then you can buy an expensive “Lei shell making kits”. They’re selling faster than toilet rolls at a dysentery outbreak. The average American and her greenbacks are soon parted.

Cruise ship leaves early due to 40 foot waves predicted at our next port, Hilo, so captain, quite wisely, avoids that. Probably because they don’t have enough pewk bags. Tomorrow becomes a sea day rather than Hilo and the volcano National Park. Some passengers are left stranded as they decided to leave early, after we’d departed the ship. Fortunately we were on a ships tour so although our tour was cut short we got back before they high tailed out of there.

The volcano National Park houses one of the few active volcanoes in the world. The highlight of the itinerary. Fortunately I’ve got 3G access on my mobile and manage to book a car for Wednesday and a longer drive down to the volcano. We’d have been devastated to miss it.

40 foot waves down the East coast of Maui so Hilo and the volcano’s off the menu and we have a sea day.

Well at least we get a lie in. No crack of dawn tours.

Lazy sort of day. As usual most of the activities seem to be aimed at geriatric bingo brigade and paleo bargin huntresses. You can learn how to wrap a sarong, Hulu dance, weave a hat from palm leaves, play endless trivia or how to fold towels into animals. Haven’t come across any talks on colonic irrigation yet. The only morsel of intellectual stimulation is a Hum-back Whale talk.

As a result of our complaining about an obstructed view they’ve tried to compensate us with 4 free speciality restaurant meals each – about $30 a meal. So now we have to eat at a speciality restaurant every night. Tough life.

Start off in Cagney Steak house – lobster bisque and a tea bone. Lobster bisque gives me a touch of the squitters. Really think I need to avoid shell fish. Love crab cakes but they certainly don’t love me.

Cruise by the bottom of the volcano to get a glimpse of the red hot lava flowing into the sea. Sadly it’s a good distance to the shore – no risk of a Greek tragedy with this crew – so it’s nothing but a red glimmer in the distance. Then dash back in to watch the rest of the election programmed. Finally go to sleep when they’ve called it for Trump. Shock and awe. Tomorrow there’ll be a lot of long sad faces on the ultra smug democrats who “knew” that Clinton was obviously going to win. Best not speak to any Americans for a few days.

We live in interesting times. All the pundits and poles got it wrong. Lots of similarities to the BREXIT result.

We had nothing booked today so I went through web hell to book the cheapest herzt mobile I could find for a trip down to the volcano. It’s a 2 hour drive but I was dammed if I was going to miss the highlight of the cruise.

Pick up my hertz mobile. Breathe a sigh of relieve as it’s not a fiat 500 but instead a Chrysler 300, very spacious very comfortable. We share the cost of the trip with Lynell from Australia.

Pleasant drive down. Visit visitors centre, buy yet another hat for my collection, and get to see lava in the cauldera, how awesome is that. Drive around the various craters and the volcanic landscape. Walk down a lava tube. What an awesome day. Not only do we get a personalised tour with stop offs where we choose, rather than a couple of stop offs with the bus tour, but we also save £250 in the process. So yesterday’s disaster turns into a real plus.

Get back in plenty of time to board. A well planned and well executed trip – moral again is better to do your own thing.

A fantastic day and then in the evening we get another freebe to the Italian speciality restaurant. Followed by the ??? show, which Wendy really enjoys and I manage to snooze through. Mind you a bottle of merlot did help.

I do the helicopter tour around Kauai. Wendy passes.

Well it cost an arm, a leg and a kidney, but I’m always reluctant to say this, it was worth every cent. What a fantastic island this is the Waimea Canyon and the Napali coast are unbelievable. Get a pilots front row seat, manage to retain my breakfast and nearly overflow a memory card with awesome pictures. It’ll take a month to cull and edit them.

Then in the afternoon we catch the free shuttle into the Mall. Well the less said about that the better.

At least it looks like we’ve got a home exchange in San Diego to replace the one a scrot has welshed on.

In the evening we do the Teppanyaki meal in a Japanese restaurant. All very entertaining but all those veggies before we get to some decent meat is just too much for a carnivore.

Up early for Waimea Canyon tour. I’d already seen it from the helicopter but the tour was well worth it for Wendy and we both enjoyed it. Stopped off at a market – could have passed on that; then the canyon; coffee farm with lots of free samples; then a blowhole. Thankfully no coconut husking demo. Great narration from our tour guide. Excellent and well worth it. Must be loosing my grip, that’s twice I’ve said that this week.

Back to the ship for lunch then lazy afternoon as we set sail for Honolulu. Pass on the invite from the captain to a select sail away party.
Sounds like he’s a bit of a Billy no mates, always wanting us to be his friend.

Joy for the first time ever we get to walk off a floating gin palace with on immigration or other delays.

Then to spoil the jubilation we meet the two clueless screw ups who are trying to organise our Speedishuttle back to the airport. It’s total chaos. So much for a shuttle every 20 minutes, it takes 45 minutes in the gruelling sun and a near riot from the massed passenger revolt to get on a shuttle. My fault I should have used Uber instead of these jokers.

Finally get to the airport. Survive the rude Hawaiian airlines check in staff and fortunately we’re TSA pre-checked.

Then we’ve 5 hours in the worst airport lounge ever. No food, no alcohol and to top it all they close for 30 minutes for lunch. Customer service, what’s that? Are all the Japanese mentally retarded or is their inscrutable gormless look just a way of deflecting complaints?

This airport must be the most expensive on the planet. A burger from burger king is over $10.

Ryanair are really missing a trick. Why not do what Hawaiian Airlines do, turn the temperature down so that it’s colder than a witches tit and then sell blankets. Another example of Hawaiian excellence in customer service.

Lazy do nothing day.

Drive down to Kapolei for a decent supermarket. Do our last shop and then back down the Farrington Highway.

Don’t you just love how the marketing machine of the mighty dollar cholesterol cathedrals panders to the blobbies. Never more so than with Baskin Robbins and their latest perversion Turkey ice cream pie. Ready for thanksgiving no doubt.

Off down to Hanauma Bay for some beach time and snorkelling. It’s a nature reserve. All very pleasant and very safe snorkelling. I’ve only got my mask and snorkel, no fins, but I cope. Manage to see some pretty fish and the odd bit of coral.

We can only manage an hour lazing in the sun before we have to escape. Sunning ourselves on the beach really isn’t our thing.

Then it’s more pantomime time from Fox, MSNBC and CNN. Fox may be crazy but at least they have a nice piece of eye candy in Megan Kelly and they make it more interesting and entertaining than that rabid bitch on MSNBC. They’re all so bias that they’d make the Klu Klux Klan look like black baptists by comparison.

Drive down to do a plantation tour. So well hidden you only find it if you have eyes in the back of your head. Not very busy and when you look around at the desolation you can understand why. Pass, not going to spend $13 each to have a tour around someone’s allotment.

Abandon plans and return back down the highway from hell for a lazy afternoon.

Head off to downtown Honolulu. I drop Wendy off at the Ala Moana shopping mall where she’s going to take our credit cards for a leisurely stroll around the 7th largest mall and largest outdoor mall in America. Hopefully they’ll not get to see daylight.

Meanwhile I drive down to the Diamond head state park for an ascent up Diamond head. The suns blistering hot and it’s 83 F. Of course in true English fashion it’s mad dogs time. Anyway make it, all 600 feet to the top and end up wetter than a water hogs backside. Stunning views and quite a pleasant walk, certainly does my twice broken femur good. Quite pleased takes just 32 minutes up and 20 minutes back down. I use a young couple as my pace makers. They reckon to allow 1.5 to 2 hours.

Back to the mall to pick Wendy up. And by way of a change we nip into Starbucks. Wendy meanwhile treats herself to a lavish ice cream – $7 – she’s really getting into this frittering the kids inheritance away.

Call in at the Apple Store. How could I resist it, they’ve none of the new MacBook Pro’s with touch bar on display or available.

Then it’s back to the pantomime, beer, wine and pack ready for our next adventure. Best of all a whole week of no driving.

You know what the problem is with American politics and the media? They can’t tie a tie properly. Most of them have a tie that so skewed to one side it looks like a drunk Lowry stick man. It’s not difficult to tie a decent knot but these numpties haven’t a clue. No doubt they have trouble tying their shoelaces too. Sure sign of lying sleaze balls.

Lazy day and then in the evening we go to the Paradise Cove Luau. All traditional Hawaiian food and entertainment. It’s the sort of touristy thing you are obliged to do before they’ll let you leave the island. Food was good, never easy mass catering, but they had a good choice and not massive queues.

Entertainment consisted of traditional games; demos of all those useful skills needed in Blackburn such as how to tie a towel around you, net fishing, climb a coconut tree and open a coconut; music and dancing girls – amazing they managed to find so many slim natives, the thought of your average Hawaiian Walrus gyrating and shaking their adipose tissue in a grass skirt is enough to send anyone into catatonic shock.

A good evening.

Catch the late evening pantomine. New bombshell as it turns out the FBI are again looking into Clintons email. Apart from that nothing new, the same old. Although I fell off my surfboard of life due to uncontrolled laughter when I heard the Fox News slogan “Fair and balanced coverage”.

There’s some rain forecast so we decide to have a drive around the North shore.

Call in at the Dole plantation where we’re treated to a demonstration on how to fillet a pineapple.

This side of the island is not quite as poor as our neck of the woods. Some lovely beaches. Waimea Bay is gorgeous and World renowned for great surf, up to 30 foot waves. Just our luck today the best rip curl we saw was about 3 inches.

Had another one of our lavish lunches amidst the peacocks at Waimea Valley. We were going to splash out and have a hike to the waterfall but rain scared us off.

Called in at a lovely Temple – see photos – only to discover, as we guessed, it was a Mormon Temple out here amongst all these pagans.

Came across a Budhist Temple so to maintain balance we kicked our trainers off and wore out a pair of sock – respect. Again very beautiful and tranquil with a backdrop of the heavily foliated serrated green mountain valleys. Have a go at Budhist bell ringing and pleased to see that the Zen garden had been raked by a masteraker (not a predictive text masterbater).

The act of raking the gravel into a pattern recalling waves or rippling water has an aesthetic function. Zen priests practice this raking also to help them focus their concentration. Achieving perfection of lines is not easy. It can take up to 10 years to become a masteraker.

Back home in time for the ongoing pantomime, a thirst quenching Pilsner Urquell and a California red. Well it now seems that Clintons the focus of scandal as the FBI rake up the email saga again and start to scour 65,000 emails for more evidence of wrong doing. The press have now turned like a pack of wolves on an injured Bambi. They smell blood. It was all becoming too calm and settled as Clinton coasted to victory, but now they’ve the opportunity to stir the pot and create more mayhem. What a pantomine, two diabolical villains as the only candidates and the press raking up the mud at every opportunity. You’d think that anyone with a skerrick of dignity and pride, with their track records, would just do the honourable thing and impale themselves on a sharpened toilet brush.

Trump is irresponsible. Clinton is dishonest. Trump is reckless. Clinton is untrustworthy. Trump is undisciplined. Clinton is unethical.

Decide to do the South East Shore drive.

Sulphur, I smell sulphur every time we drive down the Farrington Highway. Does this mean there’s a volcano about to erupt? Well if so at least it’ll do some good by destroying this accursed Farrington Highway.

Park up at the Kapiolani Park with a superb backdrop of Diamond Head. Walk along the beach to Waikiki beach for lunch. Happen to stumble upon a Starbucks. Not difficult here as there are more of them than ABC stores. Waikiki beach is buzzing and yes it’s very busy but we do find it quite alluring.

Stroll back through the park. There’s a free brass band concert on, sadly we don’t have time for it, and we watch a bit of Lacrosse, which seems very popular.

Drive past Hanauma Beach, we’ll save that for a full day, then onto to the Blowhole. Stop off for various stunning photo opportunities along the way, culminating in the Pali Lookut. Pity it wasn’t a blue sky day but awesome views and a wind strong enough to blow the wax out of your ears.

The Pali Lookout is a site of deep historical significance. Named “Pali” meaning ‘cliff’ in Hawaiian, the Pali Lookout is the site of the Battle of Nuuanu, where in 1795 King Kamehameha 1st won the struggle that finally united Oahu under his rule. This fierce battle claimed hundreds of soldiers’ lives, many of which were forced off of the Pali’s sheer cliffs.

Visit Laniki beach. Judging by the amount of broken glass in car parks and the SUV with a broken rear window I would guess there’s a high crime rate around here. Not surprised with the number of dossers lingering around. Some of their encampments are mini Calais Jungles. One thing there doesn’t seem to be is any perambulating black bin liners, oh how we miss multi-cultural Blacburn.

Note that the Pali Lookout is also known for its strong and howling winds. You’ll understand why the Nuuanu Pali Lookout is one of Oahu’s best scenic points when you feel the wind push up against you, hear the winds whistle through the mountains and see the breathtaking views of Oahu’s lush Windward Coast.

Then it head back home. For once the Farrington Highway not a nose to exhaust tortoise crawl, but the traffic lights still do a great job of making the journey a nightmare.

A long day with a lot of quite enjoyable driving. We got to see a lot of the Island again and have now covered all the major roads.

Amazing difference between the East (windward side – rainy and cloudy) side and the West (leeward side – drier, sunnier and poorer) side of the island and yet they’re only about 40 Miles across. I suppose it’s the mountains on the East side that create the clouds and moisture as the wind blows in from the Pacific laden with all that moisture. Geography lesson over.

In the evening we watch the first episode of the remake of “Hawaii 5 O”.

Up and out for 11:00 as we head over to the far side of the island to visit the Polynesian Culture Centre. Run by the Mormons, which I found quite surprising that they should be promoting these pagans. But, hey ho another day another dollar. It’s actually run as a non-profit organization and helps the 1,000’s of students, by providing part time work, fund their way through the Brigham Young University.

A great day out. The place is a mini Disney with villages of all the Polynesian Island culture. Each village has typical housing, events portraying village life and a show celebrating the songs, dance and culture of that village. Pleasant canoe ride through the villages and awesome film on the Hawaiian Islands. You really need a full day here. We only had 5 hours and it was a rush to cram it all in.

The Luau looks great and was only an extra $20 just a pity that we would have been back so late.

Having had a great day out we have to pay the price as we drive back through the dark. Not too bad until we hit the hell of H1. 7 O’clock, 7 lanes, 7″ apart nose to bumper. How do people cope with this every day. Here they are in an Island paradise and yet they have this to cope with every day of the week, morning and night. Perhaps the dossers living in their tents with their surfboards really have the right idea!

Late back so it’s a subway for dinner.

Well I never thought I’d say it but after 4 weeks of desert living it’s a real treat to see clouds.

Our lovely new home exchange for the next two weeks is on the 19th floor of the Makaha Towers with floor to ceiling glass windows and doors in the lounge and bedroom looking out over the valley and sea. Awesome views. The building looks a bit dated from the outside but from inside our one bedroom condo is ideal, modern, well equipped, clean and best of all good wifi. After our 3,500 square foot home in the desert, where we wore out two pairs of shoes just shuffling around the house, this place is nice and compact and the space flows well. There’s a narrow balcony but the idea seems to be open your patio doors if you want to sunbathe. 19 floors below is a full sized pool, sun lounger – not a German beach towel in sight, mind you there’s probably a whole chapter in the Mein Kampf rule book for this place on pool don’ts.

Lazy day after our travels. Pop into the office for a parking permit, AKA, money milking scheme.

Take a drive up the coast. Call in at the Kaneana Cave. Where there’s fresh fruit and vegetables laid out. It seems it’s to feed and appease the local gods. Apparently this cave was used by the Shark Man to store his victims on a slimy stone until he was hungry.

We have a chat with a couple of young girls, who despite being well educated and seeming intelligent, tell us they sort of believe in such pagan superstitions. They also tell us that Hawaiians resented being drafted into the USA as the 50th state. Seems that there’s still quite a lot of resentment and prejudice against Caucasians – easily identified as anyone who is not obese.

Get back to a missive on our door from the TSA gestapo who pose as security guards. Seems we’ve committed a heinous crime and are in violation of one of the many rules, in their no doubt 6″ thick rule book. “Failure to return parking pass”. Oh you actually mean “Sorry we screwed up and gave you the wrong pass, could you please pop into the office to swap it out”. I guessed when we arrived and saw some of their anal retentive rules like park inward; don’t cross the white lines when parked, that this place was going to be just one big TSA theme park of rules, regulations and unrelenting trivia from a band of TSA rejects.

Another day and another violation posted on our door knob. This time it’s a stark parking violation. What it should have actually read was “we told you wrong yesterday, would you please park in the upper parking lot”. On the last day I’m going to sort out these anal retentives and give them a fiesta of violations, we’ll hang towels out on the balcony; park in the bottom lot; reveres the car in; park diagonally over 3 parking spaces; serenade Wendy from the ground floor when Noddy’s well past Big Ears; drive clockwise around the towers. That should give them severe hand cramp writing all violation tickets out.

Up early and out for a trip to the Pearl Harbor memorial – yes I know that’s not spelt correctly but consider how bad it would be if we stuck with the Hawaiian alphabet of the 5 vowels and just 7 consonants. Could that be a reason why the language is withering.

The drive down Farrington highway is a nightmare. Just too many traffic lights.

Pearl Harbor memorial is excellent, as always for anything run by the National parks. Film on that fateful day followed by boat trip out to the USS Arizona memorial to over 2,000 lives lost when the nips launched that heinous attack. A very sombre and reflective visit.

Then we decide that it would be a good idea to visit Wholefoods market for a decent supermarket. First one doesn’t even exist – that made my surfboard of life get a tad slippy. Finally find the 2nd one. Fortunately there’s a Starbucks next door. Pop in for a coffee to help my grip and balance on my virtual surfboard on the drive home. Decide to splash out on a pack of Kona coffee. I know it’s an expensive coffee but when she rings up the price – $25 – I take a nose dive over the bow of my virtual surfboard. Is there a defibrillator anywhere near.

Drive home along H1 and H201 – their freeways. Nearly as bad as LA. Then we have the Farrington highway to cope with. A nightmare of traffic lights and a superb gridlock creation scheme they call “contra flow”. Stupidity 15 : common sense 0.

Decide to watch “Pearl Harbor”. Not available on Netflix, so we compromise and watch “Tora, Tora, Tora”. Don’t think we’ve seen it before. Made in the 1960’s, so certainly beyond the reach of any of our memory synapses, but unlike the sop, romance and piffling side tracks of “Pearl Harbor”, this is much more factual. Despite its age it has some great attack scenes. Really enjoyable and helps put it all into context.

Classic of SNAFU of that fateful day has to be:

Radar operator “Lieutenant, there’s a large detachment of planes coming in from the North.”

Lieutenant “Well, don’t worry about it. They’ll be ours.”

Yes, that actually happened.

A lazy day after all that driving yesterday. Traffic’s the main problem with this place. We’re only about 30 miles from Honolulu but the Farrington highway is a night mare at rush hour and the few freeways they have aren’t much better.

Drive down to a local Beach. Visit the remains of an Hawaiian temple and then have a walk along the Beach. Watch a few intrepid surfers. It certainly is an island paradise and our end of the island is very much the locals end. Plenty of ram shackled housing. Lots of vagrants dossing out on the beach, it seems a way of life and unemployment is high. Reminds us very much of your average little chicken shit Caribbean island.

Followed by the inevitable Starbucks treat.

Get our early evening pantomime fix with a mixture of Fox, MSNBC and CNN. Must be masochists. As for that repitious rabid reviling bitch Rachel Maddow, she must think all Americans are so thick that they need to hear the same bile 3 or 4 times for it to really sink in. Cut the pandering repetition and her raving 60 minutes could be distilled down to 5 minutes. What a nightmare waking up with that velociraptor on your pillow would be. Oh I forgot, I’m safe, she’s a lesbian – what a surprise!

Miracles, VPS have just paid me for my consultancy after much chasing on my part. It’s an omen. Watch the long awaited Apple announcement on MacBooks. Want one – 13″ MacBook Pro fully specked out. Need one, mines well past its retire by date. At least now I’ll be able to afford one.

Drive down to Honolulu for the Waikiki Trolley bus tour of Honolulu. Decide to pick up the trolley in China town. What a dump. It’s grey, miserable and raining, but at least it’s warm. Spend an hour trying to find parking. End up having to each sell a pint of blood and a kidney to pay the parking fee.

Trolley is a great way to see Honolulu. Once we get out of china town the place improves dramatically although spoilt by so many high rise buildings.

Get off at the world famous Waikiki Beach, have a wander around and enjoy watching the surfing and the eye candy on the beach. Busy and touristy but much better and more civilised than expected. Lash out on lunch at the beachside at the exclusive Moana Surfrider hotel – no complaints!

Back on the trolley to finish our tour.

On our way home call in at a civilised Safeway for some vital supplies. No more 3rd world supermarkets. We thought California was expensive but in Hawaii I think the decimal point is always right shifted. Battle our way back through the traffic. Not too bad tonight.