Tony & Wendy's Travel Blog

Off to the living desert zoo. Didn’t have great expectations of this but we were pleasantly surprised. Not too big, fabulous gardens and cacti, well laid out and very enjoyable.

Called in at Barnes and Noble for a book on Hawaii. Need to get the most out of our next adventure. Book shops seem to becoming rarer than bible sellers in Tehran, thanks to the Internet. Mind you when I over hear a Barnes & Noble saleswomen fobbing off a customer who’s complaining about her Nook, “Well you have to understand the software gets tired!”, I’m not surprised. What balderdash people talk. Perhaps the real reason was she hadn’t fed the Nook recently.

Starbucks for lunch and Internet. Oh how I’m looking forward to our next home exchange, which apparently has proper wifi.

Catch up on the 3rd and thankfully the final presidential slanging match. The same old. But I have to say that even though the moderator was one of Fox News crazies he did seem biased against Trump – he was asked about his groping and yet she was not asked about her emails and the Clinton foundation. Just like a woman she got away with all the rattle.

Lazy morning and trip to Starbucks. After lunch we have the almost daily visit to the post office to see if Wendy’s tablets have arrived. Surprise , surprise they’ve still not arrived after 4 weeks. You’d think it would be possible for two leading western democracies to sort out a decent snail mail solution. But then again you need to abandon all hope of service or efficiency when you enter a USA post office. Obviously accurately modelled on a UK Post Office.

Wendy packs in the afternoon.

Evenings a melange of Fox, MSNBC and CNN.

Interesting to watch Trumps Gettysburg address, where he at long last comes out with some concrete proposals on what he’ll do in his first 100 days. Quite an impressive list. Why hasn’t he stuck with this rather than his childish tantrums. Typical that Clinton trashes it in her typical lying, cold blooded reptile like fashion. Not a mention of his proposal just his threat to sue those women.

Telephone poll on Trump versus Clinton is advertised on TV. “If you’ve already called, call again.” Bizarre, only in America.

Even more bizarre is how Trump gets most of the media coverage / time, yet it’s so biased against him. It’s almost like they’re a load of sharks smelling blood and going in for the kill.

Up early and we’re off on our next great adventure, Hawaii. The 50th state and our 44th state visited. Just 6 to go.

Call at the post office for our last trip to futility and then we’re off. And no the tablets still haven’t arrived.

Get about 10 miles into our journey when I realise I’ve still got the garage door opener. A few choice words. Major crash off my virtual surfboard of life.

Rather than drive to San Diego via the quickest route, which seems to involve 10 lanes of snail like LA traffic, or over the mountain range, we go for the shortest, more scenic, route via Borrego Springs. The Borrego Springs state park is the largest in the USA.

Stop off in Borrego Springs, where we catch the tail end of a parade – had some paleogeezer not forgot the garage door opener we’d have caught it all – typical American parade and festivities. Hotter than the Devils armpit but everyone, apart from Wendy, seems to be coping.

Then we drive through more of the park and down towards San Diego. Stop off at a small state park visitors centre for a wander around and chat with inquisitive Rangers.

Check into the airport hotel for the night, have a well deserved Starbucks after our 6 hour trip and then wander around the harbour. Sat on the rooftop patio overlooking the harbour we have our subway dinners. Boring I know but I have my favourite Italian subway, with enough jalapeños to set fire to my anal glands tomorrow.

Browsing the 1,000’s of channels, all with nothing on worth watching when I come across an interesting documentary on “Why Planes Crash”. Wendy doesn’t want to watch it!

Up at 06:00 for a paupers continental breakfast. Even the waffle managed to taste like a grilled soggy corrugated cardboard sandwich. A fried grizzly bear fur sandwich would have been preferable.

Then it’s off to the airport. Let the misery begin. Hawaii here we come.

Well Hawaiian airlines have to be complemented on being the only internal flight to provide a free meal. But why is it there’s only one choice and guess what? They only pander to veggies, those tree hugging herbivores. Why does everyone assume it’s ok to expect us, normal, carnivores to cope without some blood on our plate? From now on I think I’ll become a Meatatarian and form the Obligate Carnivores Society (Obligate carnivoresor “true” carnivores depend on the nutrients found only in animal flesh for their survival. While they may consume small amounts of plant material, they lack the physiology required for the efficient digestion of vegetable matter.).

Strange isn’t it how this is considered an internal rather than an international flight. Yes I know they’re the 50th state, but 2,500 miles away.

Pick Hertzmobile up, a snazzy Buick, very up-market.

Get to our new home for the next 2 weeks. It’s a nice one bedroom condo on the 19th floor, with awesome views over the ocean – more pictures to follow on the next blog. Yeah, there’s reasonable wifi.

First impressions of Hawaii. A mixture of poor shanties and luxury gated communities. Awesome scenery and flowers, a tropical paradise. Looks like everything was built in the 1960’s with lavish use of concrete. Visit the nearest local supermarket. Are we really in America? I thought, being such an expert on supermarkets, that we were in a supermarket in Spain or on Audley range. Good to see some clouds and even 10 drops of rain after 2 weeks in the desert.

Lazy day as the paleo-rockers are swarming for yet another concert this evening. Bald heads with withered pony tales and a surfeit of adipose tissue everywhere. Fortunately this weekend they seem to have turned the volume down so we’re not kept awake by them.

Tootle off down to Starbucks for my caffeine and internet fix.

They’re all there doing there homework, complete with MacBooks and Apple EarPods, even Mum and daughter. I can’t help noticing, probably because I’m nosey, that none of them, from the 8 year old to those in their mid twenties and thirties, use joined up writing. They’re raising generations that have no awareness of the world outside America; they’re not street wise, thanks to being Molly coddled by the yellow bus; they can’t even breath without EarPods and music in their ears; they can’t spell; they can’t even use joined up writing – I wonder how they go on with their signature.

Spend the afternoon deleting and editing 100’s of awesome Joshua Tree pictures.

Boy it’s hot again.

Lazy morning and then we set off to explore Salton sea an inland sea – I thought they called them lakes.

Don’t ever bother. Salton sea beach is the most desolate habitabed place on earth. Just desert and trailers. Must be an Indian reservation it’s so bleak. A basic guide to identify Indian reservation land – “Is it worthless, inhabitable and so desolate that not even an ebola virus would want it”. If the answer to all 3 is a resounding yes, then Uncle Sam probably gave it to the Indians in trade for the paradise they called home. Oh and if it has a giant casino in the middle of nowhere then it’s certainly an Indian reservation. Still at least Uncle SAMs given up on practising eugenics on Indian women.

Never mind says I, aboard my optimistic virtual surfboard, we’ll go down to Salton City. Sounds rather grand. I wonder what the cathedral’s like? It’s the same sprawling desert with a few houses, more up-market than trailers, dotted around. More roads than homes. Oh, and it does have a motel and a cafe. Don’t bother. Why would anyone want to live there. You could turn it into an open prison and they’d all want to escape.

Supermarket and home!

Trump’s Mrs gives an interview. What a tasty piece of eye candy – Trump locker room talk. She comes across as calm, rational, coherent, intelligent and a good speaker. Not a bit like her husband.

Drive down to Tahquitz – sounds like the name of southern softie stock broker who was bullied at public school – Canyon. An Indian canyon. Well first signs are not good. Employee parking only near the visitor centre, customers down the hill. $12 each and not much to it. Pass.

Drive down to Indian Canyons – there are more of these places than Starbucks. They’re only $7 for us geriatrics and there’s 3 canyons and a trading store. Splash out.

Have a our grand cox’s pipin picnic and a stroll around Palm canyon. Then go and walk up Andreas Canyon. Wow there’s even a flowing stream here in the desert, rarer than a Taliban girls college.

Call in for a leisurely Starbucks and Internet on the way home.

Meet up a Starbucks for a coffee with Rudi and Gaynor, home exchangers from Melbourne. It’s amazing how our paths have crossed. We did a home exchange with them about 5 years ago. As we were travelling through Hong Kong back to England, they were travelling through back to Australia so we met up for dinner – yummy snake. Now they’re just 5 miles down the road on a home exchange in La Quinta.

In the evening we go out for dinner with Rudi and Gaynor. An excellent all you can eat dinner at the local casino and reasonably priced with cheap wine – my sort of place. After dinner we go people watching in the casino. All very entertaining with these giant machines that require you to have an advanced degree in Human Computer Interfaces just to put money in. I give Wendy $0.83 to invest, but she doesn’t bother. Probably because there are no poor people’s money consumption machines.

The media’s all hyped up for tonight’s final presidential campaign debate. Just 3 weeks to go. Plots, leaks, lies, accusations and slagging one another off. It’s just unbelievable how vile it is. A sad reflection on American society, but you only have to watch the adverts on TV – difficult not to, easier to dodge a incoming asteroid – to realise how uncritical they’re becoming. Your average advert seems to be aimed at an 8 year old who’s had a lobotomy.

Adverts for pharmaceuticals have to be the most diabolical on American TV. 10 seconds telling you how to cure dry skin if you suffer from diabetes and then 2 minutes warning you about all the dire side effects that may well even kill you. Stick with the dry skin.

The most unbelievable product has to be Act tablets for dry mouth. Have they forgot what water is? Then you’ve got Probiotic for kids and dry skin cream for diabetics.

Up and out early. Exciting day, off to the Joshua Tree National Park, just 30 minutes down the road.

Well the Joshua Trees are ok, but the rock formations are spectacular. Perhaps they should rename it Awesome Rocks NP. Turns out that may well be necessary as the Joshua Tree is threatened with extinction, due to climate change, and may well have died off by the end of this century. It’s not really a tree but a Yucca and only grows at elevations between 1,300 and 5,000 feet. What’s really narking me is why does it only grow in this altitude range? Well apparently it won’t grow above 5,000 feet because of snow and frost damage, but I can’t find out anywhere why it won’t grow below 1,300 feet.

Another awesome 7 hour NP day. I’ll now have to spend weeks culling 100’s of pictures of rocks, but well worth it, and free with our NP pass.

In order to maintain a sense of balance in this pantomime of an election campaign I’ve decided that on odd days I’ll watch Fox News and on even days I’ll watch MSNBC. Day 1 of the crazy voices from Fox. Will I survive MSNBC tonight? For newspapers I’m reading Wall Street Journal and New York Times.

Perhaps I should just watch reruns of the Magic Roundabout – time for bed said Zebedee.

Kurt’s birthday, 32, where do the years go?

Lazy morning and a trip to Starbucks.

After lunch we drive down to Palm Springs to see what all the fuss is about. Well it’s a vary pleasant town with the centre being full of restaurants, clothes shops and “don’t need, but if brain dead, might want” shops.

It’s that hot that most of the restaurants have mist sprays to keep their outside clients cool. We have similar in Belthorn, it comes naturally and is called rain.

Call in at a supermarket, joy, for the weekly shop. Beer section has the usual parade of nats urine but not a decent beer, even Pilsner Urquel, in sight.

Well it’s a repeat of the big concert tonight through Sunday so we’ve decided to keep a low profile and have a couple of lazy days to avoid the crazy people and their gridlock. Who knows with Bob Dylan being a Noble Laureate there may be even more of the crazy people.

After much digging it seems like the best theory on why the Joshua tree does not grow below 1,300 feet is down to lack of moisture – rainfall and transpiration at lower levels. That also seems to be the reason that alpine trees only grow above a certain altitude.

Lazy morning and then for lunch we have a drive down to La Quinta village. All very swish, but not really much to it. Wendy spots a Trader Joes and a Lidl, so like a couple of intrepid trolley spotters we explore – how sad is that.

Wendy lunches at Panera Bread. Then back home to the secret entrance to our gated community, manned by one TSA reject, but at least there’s no queue. With all the bald pony tale crazies (Dylan fans) around it can take upwards of half an hour to penetrate our ultra secure gated community – who knows what they’re protecting us from is it Paleo-BanTheBombers, flea infested rag headed jihadis or Trumpkins.

Watch Captain Philips in the evening, followed by Poldark and an aged Question Time with some gobby American wench, God only knows why we ever granted her citizenship. It really is about time David got a grip. Raw sewage buckets poised over heads could help them engage brain before gobs.

Well were settled into our new home exchange for the next two weeks here in hells sauna – 102F / 39C today. It’s another awesome home – see pictures. 3,500 square feet of it. We’ve already wore out a pair of shoes just walking around it. It’s another gated community home. Our home backs onto the golf course, completely wasted on us.

Have a leisurely day. Lack of wifi is a real pain but at least we can get internet on our phones. Nip down to Starbucks to complete last weeks blog. Was going to walk or use the bike but it’s just too hot for either and the bikes obviously designed for a 7 foot basket ball player. If I ride that I’ll end up as a eunuch talking in a very high pitched voice.

Evening we watch some HBO. At least there’s no adverts. Who knows perhaps we’ll get to watch Bill Maher.

Up and out at the crack of sparrows for our drive down to Mission Viejo – no we’ve not suddenly got an overdose of religion – we’re visiting Paul and Doris for the day. They’re a by-product of fixed dining on our recent cruise. We did fixed dining on the cruise with a little trepidation but had a great group on the table and got on well.

Have breakfast at their home and then they take us down to Laguna Beach, where we have a pleasant stroll and some lunch and a Foo Foo. What you may ask is one of them. Well now I can tell you. It’s a fancy girly style drink, as per Dell Boys tiple, usually served with colorful umbrella and trimmings. Entering into the spirit of this alcoholic perversion – I usually prefer my alcohol un-polluted – I try a pina colada tequila. I nearly threw a tantrum as I instead of an umbrella I got a slice of orange and a cherry. Have to say it was very nice. Goes down too easy, you could soon get rat arsed.

Then we have a drive down the coast. All very lovely, sun, sea, sand, surfing and that most boring of pastimes paddle boarding. Typical California, expect the beach boys any moment.

Then it’s back to their home for wine, pizza (Round Table pizza, one of the best in America) and putting the world to rights. It’s what us old folk do best. We pass on watching the Trump & Clinton debate. Why spoil a great day.

Stay overnight.

After breakfast we say goodbye and thanks to Doris and Paul as we head off back to our Indio home. Start the day with a Starbucks, getting into the swing of California. Call in at the Nixon Museum, but just my luck half of it is closed for refurbishment. Do what all Americans do in this situation. Go to the local Mall.

Rather than going back along the Freeways and Interstates we head back over Mount San Jacinto. It’s a typical scenic route over the mountains. Call in at the National Monument visitors Centre. Have a pleasant stroll around their dessert garden and Wendy’s rewarded with the siting of a Road Runner – awesome.

A full days driving, especially down the freeways of the LA area, wouldn’t be complete without being dragged around a supermarket – oh joy.

In the evening we catch up with the Trump & Clinton slagging match on my iPhone – it’s the only Internet we have. They’re going at it like two fish wives having an alley cat fight; of course they don’t answer the questions and the moderators just let them get away with it; very little substance, mainly vitriol; God help America if either of these numpties get in, they’d be better off with a Typhoon Tea chimpanzee. I though our debates were bad, but they even make the Corbyn (an unelectable communist and if he was running in the US instead of Hilary, then Trump would win with a landslide) and Smith, leadership debate look like an intellectual Oxford Union debate. All part of the greatest pantomime on earth – the USA Presidential Elections. What a great time to be here with all this free comedy.

After being a freeway warrior yesterday we decide to have a lazy day today. Just relaxing and enjoying this lovely home and the road melting heat. Highlight of my day is a trip to Starbucks -muse rant below. meanwhile Wendy’s still chunnering on about knitting patterns.

Around tea time we have a walk down to the club house. I think I’m starting to acclimatise. The torrents of sweat seem to have subsided to mere rivulets.

After the delights of the debate and the rambling aftermath of mind numbing analysis I’ve decided to implement my balanced observation policy. After all when you’re riding the wave of life on your virtual surfboard it’s important you don’t lean too far to the left or right or you’ll fall off. Odd days I’ll watch Fox News and even days it will be MSNBC. Daily newspapers will be Wall Street Jouranal and New York Times.

Well as HBO seems to have disappeared from our screen we get 2 hours of Fox. Now I know what it’s like to hear crazy voices. Its certainly an alternative reality and enough to make one believe the multiverse theory. Perhaps East Enders might be a better alternative!

Set off early, that’s 09:00 for us paleofolk, for our day in Kings Canyon National Park.

Watch the visitor centre film and then visit the giant General Grant Sequoia, allegedly the 2nd largest tree in the world, but then again you have to remember this is America.

Drive all the way down the canyon to the Roads End, 35 miles (1 hour) down switch backs. It is quite spectacular, more rugged and barren than Yosemite, but as the canyon was created by water erosion it’s a lot narrower than Yosemite and not as easy to see the majestic rock formations. Have a wander around the meadow and are rewarded for all our efforts with a bear siting. Yes there it is in all its glory just 10 feet away, rooting around and not bothered by the 3 or 4 orgasmic photographers. Nearly ran out of film as it poses for us all. Awesome.

Then it’s 35 miles back out of the canyon.

Then it’s a drive through more National Forest and Sequoia NP on our way to our hotel in Three Rivers.

The governors highway out of sequoia NP has to be the worst road ever for zigs, zigs and hairpins. It should be renamed the Huey & Ruth Highway, as I’m sure the lay-bys are littered with masses of congealed diced carrots as passengers part with their last meal.

It’s a hard days driving, all 8 hours of it but most of it at 30 miles an hour on switch backs.

Less said about the hotel the better. Try getting in the room. Silly me, of course the door handle has to be pushed upwards to open. This does not bode well. Very clean and comfortable, we even have a suite with a jacuzzi, but within 10 minutes I’ve fell off my surf board of life as I go into battle over the elusive high speed wireless internet. I’m more likely to find a giant tortoise in Sequoia NP than a connection in my room. Why do they taunt me so.

Subway for tea and a bottle of wine to help me regain my balance on the surfboard of life.

Up early for a mediocre breakfast. Wendy’s fell off her skateboard of life (she doesn’t swim so no surfing) as they’ve run out of tea bags. What is this country coming to. I blame Obama.

Drive back up the Huey & Ruth Highway for our day in Sequoia NP. Start off at the general Sherman Sequoia, this is the largest, allegedly. Fact check: turns out it is the largest living tree in the World by volume and is about 52,500 cubic feet (1,487 cubic meters) in volume.
Good exercise walking down and back up to the tree.

Then we head to the Lodgepole village for some lunch – someone forget our picnic.

Visit the free museum and off to Moro rock. This one you can climb up, all 350 steps. Wendy stays in the car as her knees giving her some gyp. I set off with some trepidation for the top. Get about halfway up, when the sheer drop offs get the better of me, and I wimp out. I don’t do heights. The views and the drop offs are awesome. Well worth my half hearted effort.

Drive up to the meadow for a picturesque stroll. No bears this time. Then drive through the Sequoia tree and back down the Huey and Ruth highway. It’s quite a pleasant drive when you’re not so tired and the sun’s out.

Tea consists of a Mexican take away. Whilst we’re waiting we have an enjoyable chat with one of the locals. I think he’s a it of a tree hugger, although certainly not a veggie, judging by what he’s eating, but he’s certainly well informed, even on BREXIT – which he thinks is a good thing. He claims American IQ has gone down by 20% over the past 50 years. Well that got me thinking. No way has there been such a decline but I did come across this graph which showed IQ by state. Mississippi comes out lowest, no real surprise there then, but as for Fargo and the portrayal of Minesotans as slow bouncers it turns out they’re one of the highest IQ states – see graph. Great news he informs us that Bakersfield, our next stop, is the armpit of California and Fresno is another orifice. Despite having lived here all his life he is very disparaging about California’s Central Valley and the US Government – now there’s a surprise. Once his 90 year old parents kick their clogs he’s off to New Zealand.

Take a pleasant, leisurely drive down California’s Central Valley to our next stop over, Bakersfield.

The Central Valley of California is a tourist black spot apart from the NP’s, but driving down it does evoke powerful images of Oakies escaping the dust bowls to a better land; turtles crossing roads; fruit pickers being exploited; Steinbeck country. Perhaps the illegal / un-documented Mexicans are the modern day Oakies of Steinbecks novels.

Our friend from last night was certainly right about Bakersfield. There really is nothing there. But never mind we go to Costco to try and get some Citrus Green Tea and for a bit of excitement. Fortunately our hotels excellent with great wifi so we have a leisurely day after two days of NP’s.

Why did I choose Bakersfield? We’d done the coast a few times and I’d always wanted to see the Central Valley; I’d heard of Bakersfield but hadn’t a clue about it; to break the journey up so we didn’t have to drive too far in one day.

For tea we try a new gourmet venue, Carl jars. One of the many big brand fast food chains. Burger was pretty good and service good.

Early start from Bakersfield and we drive down to Big Bear Lake. It’s a good 3 hour drive. Up through the San Bernardino mountains.

Quaint little tourist trap. Lakes not all that impressive, mainly because it’s drying up. A bit disappointing but the scenery is beautiful.

Set off down the mountains to Redlands, next to San Bernardino and by way of a change the roads closed. Of course they don’t bother to tell you this until you’ve driven 10 miles out of town. Drive back into Big Bear Lake and take the other route down the mountain. Again great scenery down a switch back road.

Get to our hotel in Redlands. By way of a change its a great comfort suite – restore my faith in Choice Hotels. I think the best rule is stick with comfort suites only in the big towns. Comfort inn and quality inn tend to be inconsistent in the smaller locations. Sleep inns can be quite good although breakfasts are a bit basic. It seems it’s all due to lack of quality control.

For tea it’s a Taco Bell at last. There’s one just opposite the hotel. It was meant to be.

Wow I didn’t realise that corporal punishment in schools was still allowed in 16 states over here. Nothing like a good flogging to instil a little discipline.

Lazy morning. We have a drive into San Bernardino. Sadly nothing much there either. Attracted to it by the mountains I suppose. Not one of my better choices.

Nip to Walmart and Best Buy. Then it should have been a 1 hour drive to our home exchange in Palm Springs for the next two weeks. Takes nearly 2 hours what with interstate roadwork and the biggest outdoor concert clogging up every road. Well I’ve certainly fell off my board trying to ride the wave of life with this lot. I’m ready to use my surf board as a lethal weapon on the paleo baby boomers who should have more sense. Our foray to the supermarket means we have to spend 35 minutes dodging gridlock.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10157647274395249&set=a.10150340074490249.575311.621375248&type=3&theater

Then to add insult to injury we’re kept awake well after Noddy past Big Ears, with the racket from the Rolling Stones. It’s over a mile away but they’re still sharing it with us.

More on our awesome new home exchange and pictures follow on the next blog.

Wow this home exchange is awesome, even has its own swimming pool and great views over the golden parched earth, with just a hint of green down by the river. California’s had 5 years of drought, it’s golden through the dried out grass. Looks more like a desert. As to the home I’ll let the photos speak for themselves. It’s on a gated community, keeps the riffraff (only Costco trade customer allowed in) at bay, the homes are all 100’s yards apart – room to breathe.

We have a lazy day after our wonderful but busy Yosemite experience. It’s so good to have Internet, I can catch up on blogs, the news and the 1001 questions. Wendy’s busy pricing up a Disney Cruise and Orlando trip for the whole family next Autumn. She’s right excited.

It’s hotter than hell and half of Georgia, 98F / 36C and not a cloud in the sky. I knew that Palm Springs was going to be hot but had no idea that Fresno was as hot.

In the evening we catch up with Netflix.

Trip into Madera. Wow I think we’re in a remote Mexican town. Nearly all the signs are in Spanish. Most of the people seem Mexican. All of the restaurants are Mexican. The place has more bridal and gown shops than rednecks at a Trump presidential rally, every one of them selling frilly gown from the 1950’s. How can a place this size supporters 6 bridal shops. Is it the wedding, divorce and remarriage capital of California – big fat gypsy wedding springs to mind.

We encounter a few Trump signs but most of the political signs seem to be “We need jobs and water”. Does this hint at why Trump could be popular?

There are some signs of civilization as they have a MacDonalds, Starbucks and even a Taco Bell. Wendy passes on lunch. Mind you didn’t see a visitors Centre.

A tad cooler today, only 92F.

Wot no scorpions (shaking my shoes just in case), snakes or bears yet. Centipedes yes, and there’s 8 vultures circling the house. Should I be worried.

After the usual lazy morning we set off to explore Fresno. Sadly not much to it. Go down to the Woodward Park to do a geriatric shuffle around the Japanese garden – sad to admit I quite enjoy them these days, really screws with my 16 year old mind. $3 to park my car and to top it all the Japanese garden doesn’t open until 16:00. Pass. Have a wander around the lake, not a blade of grass to be seen, just geese and geese shit.

Never mind there’s a WholePayPacket downtown so we head off to make Wendy’s day. I get a freshly made burrito for me tea.

Take a drive out to Bass Lake, we’ve been told it’s very picturesque and nice restaurants. Drive past the turning and 8 miles later do a U’y.

Well there’s not really much to it. Nearly all of the lake front is private property. Americans have this obsession with trespassing signs –
‘You will be cited, blah, blah……’. Pass on the two restaurants. Drive down the lakeshore and finally find picnic area by the lake. Time for our picnic. Then some shifty individual comes and asks for $5 to park in day use area of National Forest. I point to my Nation Parks pass which he claims isn’t valid – wrong go read the T&C’s.

Well I’ll express my feelings on Bass Lake on trip advisor – don’t bother. No wonder so much property is up for sale.

Take the scenic route back home.

Evening in with me ranting and raving about crap software, websites and especially BBCiplayer and Wendy ranting and raving about knitting patterns. Quite consoling really as now she gets a taste of the joy of incompetence. Time for Saturday afternoon amphitheater lion feeding. Today’s food could be the whole of the BBCiplayer software team, lead by the director responsible, and the author of V&A Products Ltd, knitting patterns.

Has anyone noticed it’s Grandparents Day today?

Lazy day today. Wendy’s gamy knees playing her up so she’s resting ready for the next 4 days on the road and in the National parks.

We also need to pack and tidy up. Fortunately this is a lovely home so it’s quite relaxing, like staying In a 5 star hotel. Sadly the area around Fresno is not exactly a tourists dream but to be fair it is the largest town nearest (2 hours drive) 3 national parks. Actually it’s worked out quite well to have 6 relaxing days after Yosemite and before our next NP’s foray.

Finally a word on my scientific experiment to discover if all this dry golden California grass is dead or just parched awaiting some rain, to spring back to life. For the past 5 days I’ve daily watered a square of California’s finest gold grass. I’m sad to say it has not come back to life. It is well and truly parched to death. The only way California’s every going to be green again is plenty of rain and grass seed.

Up early for a 5 hour drive down to our next home exchange slap bang in the middle of Yosemite Valley. Drive out of California into a casino strewn Nevada. One small town we drive through must be called Trumpville, judging by the number of posters for him.

Some horrendous road works with 20 minute delays. Even the lady in the most expensive gas station in America gets held up each morning for 20 minutes and has been 20 minutes late for work every day this week. Obviously either bone idle or a taco shy of a combination plate, FSM forbid she should leave 20 minutes earlier.

Quite lucky as we have to drive all the way across from the East side of Yosemite over to the Yosemite Village so we get to see more of the park. We’ve done this drive before, but this time we don’t get a bear dashing out in front of us. It’s still one pretty amazing drive.

You get all this amazing park for just $25 for 7 days. Amazing. We buy an annual pass for $80 which gives us free access for a year to all the NP and any area with the title “National” in it. Worth every penny of it, unusual – nay rarer than a bible seller in Iran – for me to say it.

Arrive in our next home which is a NP Employees home, in the secluded off limits area of the village, so no tourists, just us and Rangers. Because we’re surrounded by Rangers the homes unlocked – something we’re not used to even though Belthorn is quite remote. The homes lovely. An awesome location and has to be one of the most hospitable and well organised Home Exchanges we’ve been in. They’ve thought of everything to make a guests stay pleasant, unlike some home exchanges where they’re just playing at it and haven’t a clue about hospitality.

Meet our new host. Then we get settled in. Have a pleasant stroll down to the visitors Centre to get information on our walks.

Amazing we have Internet here. It’s free and 10Mbps, I’m orgasmic after being the equivalent of the dark side of the moon for over 10 days. Perhaps the shakes will disappear and my fingers will now stop hovering over an imaginary keyboard. There’s no TV but that’s no great loss, as we’ve the Internet, BBC iPlayer and Netflix all on my iPad – civilized.

A somewhat lazy start to the day, as usual. Then we do a lovely Meadows loop walk. Wendy’s knee has decided to play her up just when she most needed it.

We call back home for coffee and lunch, it’s oh so handy. Then after lunch we take thre 2 hour guided open bus tour of the valley. Yes it’s a Wallace Arnold moment, but this tour is amazing; worth every penny of it – there I go again; so informative and entertaining; for once I don’t regret this Wallace Arnold experience.

Call in at the village store for some vitals and then it’s back home for a pleasant evening with a good beer (rare for America) and some Zinfandel.

Usual lazy start and then we catch the free shuttle – how nice it is not to use the car for 4 days and rely on shank’s pony and a shuttle bus – to the start of the Mirror Lake hike. Mind you the shuttles chocker block and we get the dubious pleasure of 10 minutes trying to decipher what this fat arsed woman’s knickers say – it’s “absolutely” but we can’t quite make out the 2nd word. There’s nothing like a nice pair of thongs outlined or revealed beneath some tight trousers, or better still shorts, on a pert young fanny (I’m using the the American definition of this word here), to set the day off to a good start, but an aged fat arse with knickers and shorts stretched tight as a drum leaves a lot to be desired – oh shallow me.

We’ve done this walk before but it’s a lovely hike – sounds so much more macho than the stroll it really is. There’s no lifeguard on duty, as with most of the park this time of year the lake and the waterfalls tend to be dried up. Stop for an extravagant lunch of an apple and water by the lake. Amazing that even out here we get 3G and the joy of our kids messaging us. Fortunately there’s no wants, can I or will you’s Involved. Whilst the tree huggers are always wanting to “be off the grid”, give me 3G signals penetrating my body anytime.

Get some great photos of half dome. I’ll probably need a week to cull the hundreds of photos we’ve taken. Every view is so awesome and precious that you really begrudge deleting any of them.

Call in for a coffee in the village Deli. It’s oh some warm and sunny out. Then it’s back home for a good old stag chilli, beer and Zinfandell.

Then to finish the day off on a dirty raincoat brigade view we encounter a young piece of eye candy flouncing down the street in only shorts and a see through bra, fortunately it wasn’t a cold day!

Thanks to our ranger friend Michael we’re staying an extra night in this awesome place.

After my early morning stroll I do my blog, sat out on a rocking chair on the front porch with a coffee. Watching the deer grazing around me whilst the squirrels are either frolicking or perhaps it’s a male trying to perpetuate it’s genes, but it seems that perhaps the female has an headache. Talking of which, there I am soaking up all this nature and suddenly I’m struck on the head by a low flying acorn trying to sow it’s oats. Ow that hurts, perhaps I have concussion – should I sue?

We catch the shuttle down to Bridal falls. It’s still got a trickle flowing over it and results in yet more photos.

Catch the shuttle to the world famous Awahnee Hotel, now renamed by some scurrilous greedy marketing executive as the Majestic Hotel. There I sin and have an afternoon beer. Very swish, very expensive but can you believe you can’t get a snack with your vintage champagne priced beer.

Catch a couple of great NP films in the visitors centre then it’s back home for two weary foot soldiers. Coffee on the front porch with a Flying Spaghetti Monster spaghetti strainer on my head to protect me from randy low flying acorns.

In the evening our host comes home and we go out to dinner at the Yosemite Lodge. Have a very interesting and pleasant evening.

Out early again for a 90 minute Ansell Adams photo walk – it’s free. Interesting stroll around the meadows and some useful pointers to some great photo opportunities along with background on the World famous Ansell Adams – Ansell who?

Pack the car and we’re of for our next adventure in Madera, just outside Fresno. But before we leave we must take a 1 hour detour to a Glacier Point. Awesome, rad, narley there are not words or photos that do the vista from it justice. It has to be one of the most stunning views we’ve ever seen. Well worth the 1 hour detour.

It’s goodbye to Yosemite. Hopefully we’ll be back.

In the afternoon we arrive at our next home exchange. Our most stunning home exchange ever, more on that in our next blog.

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light, by your own admission, of your abject failure to even choose two suitable candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties
over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Oklahoma, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Theresa May, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. State governors will continue to exist but they cannot be ex movie stars. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up “aluminium”. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it, along with words like tomato and pecan. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour’, skipping the letter ‘U’ is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter ‘Z’ (pronounced ‘zed’ not ‘zee’) and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise”. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh is pronounced ‘burra’ e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you can’t
cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary”. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up “interspersed”. There will be no more ‘bleeps’ in the Jerry Springer show. If you’re not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn’t have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won’t have to use bad language as often.

There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let Microsoft know
on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize”.

You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn’t that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents – Scottish dramas such as “Taggart” will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we’re talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is “Devon”.

If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become “shires” e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as “Men Behaving Badly” or “Red Dwarf” will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can’t cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

You should relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The
Queen”, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

You should stop playing American “football”. There is only one kind
of football. What you refer to as American “football” is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays “American” football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty
seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2025. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the ‘World Series’ for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls’ game called “rounders” which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons
if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. “Merde” is French for “shit”. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don’t believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will
require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. The NRA will be declared an illegal organisation

July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 7th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called “Indecisive Day”.

All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips. Fries aren’t even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps”. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat.

The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to
all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer”, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager”. The substances formerly known as “American Beer” will henceforth be referred to as “Near-Frozen Knat’s Urine”, with the exception of
the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be
referred to as “Weak Near-Frozen Knat’s Urine”. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or “Gasoline” as
you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2018) prices within the former USA.

The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the
Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $8 per US gallon – get used to it).

You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy.

Yellow standee line revoked.

Lines to become queues, yes we know it is a bit more difficult to spell.

Passport control will forwith have 80% of the desks open for British Nationals, the remaining 20% can be used for Americans and the rest of the world.

All restrooms will be relabelled and referred to as toilets. If you need to rest so much then they should either open lounges with beds and settees – you can look this word up and then use it as the replacement for the word sofa.

All prices will be displayed including the tax, rather than your ludicrous habit of displaying the price without the tax and then asking for the tax inclusive price. Anybody found flaunting this rule will be deported to an EC country where they can really appreciate the meaning of pointless bureacracy.

You will learn how to brew and serve tea properly. Boiling water and milk, anyone found serving cream in a cup of tea will be sent to our penal colony – Australia. All coffee, apart from that served in specialised coffe shops, will be labelled WWWBW – weak wishy washy brown water. Americans are not really coffee conniseurs – look it up.

Food portions will immediately be halfed, lets try going for quality not quantity. This should also help with your obesity problem – look it up.

Finally to global warming. You will immediately sack all your environmental scientific advisers, sign up for and implement the Kyoto Protocol, all members of congress and the senate will appear in the adverts admitting that global warming is a reality. In addition you will all acknowledge Darwins theory of evolution and stop bending science to meet your political ends.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). Thank you for your cooperation.

Well we’ve survived 10 days at sea and finally managed to escape, no thanks to the decrepit inhospitably and inefficiency of Homeland Security – NSA I don’t care if you’re listening.

Pick the Hertzmobile up and then it’s a very pleasant 4 hour drive, over the Golden Gate Bridge, up to Sacramento and over the mountains to Lake Tahoe.

Arrived at our luxury home. We’re 4 miles down a single track road that looks like the San Andreas fault runs down the middle of it. Last paved when Macadam was a lad. 10 miles to the nearest supermarket / wifi and 16 miles to nearest Taco Bell and Starbucks. How do people cope!

It seems that the colonials have not quite heard of mobile phones yet, there is internet but it’s even pricier and slower than onboard ship. Piracy is not confined to the high seas. $15 a day, and then runs at a MAXIUM blistering speed of a knackered donkey, all 1Mb per second, about as useful and expensive as a diamond studded condom. Don’t think we’ll have any problems with noisy neighbours, traffic or noisy red knecked scrots on Harley’s – bears might be an issue though.

Oh well looks like I’ll be spending a lot of time in Starbucks.

It’s a gorgeous home, with a great deck, views over Fallen Leaf Lake and of course the obligatory all American barbecue, big enough to roast an ox on. The silence here is deafening and oh so relaxing. As well as no internet there’s no TV, so we’ve not had the pleasure of the Trump versus Clinton pantomime – how sad. To keep us amused though they do have blue rays; a pool table (sadly not a clue how to play); sauna; bikes and a leaky kayak; a wonderful selection of whisky and enough different vodkas to enable me to hibernate all winter; there’s even pot and pipes provided – perhaps it’s standard hospitality in all California homes.

TV must be all of 60″, but sadly you’re sat only 6 feet away – fortunately we have no TV signal, Trump and Clinton that close up would be so scary you wouldn’t be able to drive a wet watermelon seed up me butt with a sledge hammer.

A lazy morning while Wendy unpacks and does battle with the giant washing machine, don’t forget it’s America and everything’s bigger.

Finally we toddle off into South Lake Tahoe. First stop Starbucks to communicate with the World and publish a long overdue travel / rant blog.

Drive down to the lake to park up and then have a pleasant stroll around.

Wow Tahoes changed from when we skied here. All very swish but wot no snow? If I stick around long enough I’ll be able to use my Park City Epic ski pass for free skiing. The most noticeable thing after 10 days on a floating calorie factory is the lack of blobbies. Most people look fit, healthy and capable of walking 10 feet without the need of an electric wheel chair.

Have a wander down to the village store, beach and boat dock. Then set off to the Tallac Historic Site.

I’m so glad we’re in a civilized country, who gives a dam about the risk of plague if you venture into the Tallac Historic Site, after all it’s nowhere near as virulent or dangerous as Ebola. Glad to see there’s a picket fence around the site. That’ll keep the plague ridden fleas in!

Despite the plague it’s all very picturesque and best of all free.

Then we encounter the road works. Sat for 15 minutes whilst a man with stop sign holds everyone up despite the road being clear. There’s more of these men with stop signs than there are tea towels ridden with dandruff in Afghanistan. I can’t begin to explain the stupidity being demonstrated on 89 down the side of Lake Tahoe. Who ever’s in charge of this is certainly a few fries short of a happy meal.

Call in at Raleys for some wifi.

Then it’s back home for coffee on the deck, amongst the shimmering silver birch and watching the boats on the lake.

Off for a drive around Lake Tahoe. It’s 72 miles round and with all the road works and side trips takes us about 5 hours. The shades of blue in the lake are amazing. Some awesome scenery and as soon as we cross the state line into Nevada then it’s casinos galore.

Call in at some of the ski resorts we skied way back when, including Squaw Valley and Heavenly. Wot no snow.

Down to the supermarket for wifi and last minute vitals. Then in the afternoon we tidy up and pack for our next adventure – hopefully with wifi this time.

Managed to get a brief FaceTime with Jasper. Wow, he’s such a happy sole, bubbling over with all that he’s done at nursery etc.

I was going to have an exploratory walk around the lake but rain stopped play.

To better appreciate the up and coming presidential election pantomime I’ve lashed out on an esubscription to the Wall Street Journal. Cost all of £1 a month for the 1st two months, by which time it’ll all be over and the mass exodus to Canada – like a Caraboo crossing – will have commenced.

Breakfast, lounge around, lunch and then off to catch our tour to the Mendenhall glacier. It’s a lovely sunny day which is rare for Juneau as they average 22 days rain a month and can have up to 20″ in one day. Makes Belthorn seem like a desert.

Good information centre, great views of the glacier and waterfall but unfortunately the waterfall walk is closed off due to flooding so we end up hanging around for an hour.

Have a wander through Juneau, more diamond and grot shops than taliban at a stoning. Then it’s back to the ship for dinner. As we’ve missed our fixed dining slot we defect to the anytime dining. Interesting table as one of the geriatrics is a 90 year old state Supreme Court judge. Very interesting and she still has all her wits about her, more than can be said for some of the other geriatrics at the table. Conversation with some of them who have 5 minute pregnant pauses between each sentence as they wrack their memory for a word – could come to all of us anytime soon.

Early night after all this sightseeing.

Well it’s cruise Glacier Bay National,Park today.

Rangers come on board – how neat is that. They give a talk on the the park and then I nip upstairs to buy a baseball cap. Amazing isn’t it this boat sells more crap than there was junk in Steptoes scrap yard, yet when it comes to something sensible like NP items they’re in short supply because they have to drag them aboard. Any I’m lucky and get a cap to add to my collection.

Ship positions for photo opportunities at two glaciers and I’m lucky enough to capture a great calving – see pictures.

Evenings another round of fixed dining. By now I’ve weakened and resorted to 2 glasses of Zinfandel from happy hour and have them over dinner. We’re lucky in that we’ve got a good group on our table but I can imagine 10 dinners with people you don’t get on with must be dire.

Then it’s some sort of entertainment, I’m being generous with that word, and then try a quality bourbon to help me cope.
Please

Today it’s Skegway. We’re on a crack of dawn Wallace Arnold tour. Train up and over Whitepass; coach into Yukon, Canada; lunch at Caraboo crossing, they also have the most amazing collection of stuffed bears, mammoths, moose and other Alaskan mammals; photo opportunity at Emerald lake; brief wander around Carcross, quaint local town; then drive back down Whitepass with a photo opportunity at a bridge ? waterfall.

Very expensive ($219) but I have to admit it was worth it, as we did pack in a lot. But I can’t help feeling sad that it come to this. I’m too young – 16 year old in the mind – to be on one of these Wallace Arnold extravaganza. They’re full of geriatrics, people our age. The ultimate for those with no sense of adventure, imagination or risk. Oh what has it come to. Still I suppose we’re the lucky ones, so much better than the alternative.

Tours late back but they have to hold the ship.

Then it’s straight to the dinning room. By now I’ve abandoned all hope of sobriety and as we missed the cheap wine at happy hour I succumb to buying a bottle and will just have to try and make it last.

After dinner we catch some more orgasmic entertainment. Including an Elton John show, somehow I end up doing a French test on my iPhone and then nod off. Yes it was that scintillating.

Can’t persuade Wendy to have a cocktail but I finally get to try a Vodka Martini, shaken of course. Well I won’t ever get to be a spy at this rate as that was my first and certainly my last Vodka Martini.

I suppose the best entertainment on board has to be people watching, especially on peacock evening. I’ve come to the really sad conclusion that there must be a major opportunity for an enterprising young lawyer to put his shingle up and create a web based law firm of DivorceMyFatWife.com. He could hand out posters on the cruise as I’m sure there would be rich pickings. These floating gin palaces are a magnet for the clinically obese. Unbelievable I know but at least 60% must be blobbies.

Day 6 so it’s Ketchikan today, so it’s a lazy morning as we don’t dock until 12:00 then a spot of lunch before we set off to explore.

Have a wander around. Head off to Creek Street, the red light district, but alas, unlike Carl no one offers me a blow job for $5, despite wondering up and down for hours. Quaint little town, obviously more diamond shops than prostitutes. Oh how things have changed from gold rush days.

Quite nice to just wander around under our own steam.

Fixed dining yet again followed by more drinks and people watching in the piano lounge.

Crown the evening off with a brandy nightcap in our cabin. Wow, certainly helps me get a great nights sleep.

I’m starting to loose the will to live. 7 days on a cold weather cruise is enough. Geriatrics, blobbies and crazy people – moose racers certainly fit the bill, along with the art auction buffs – are starting to get to me – depressing. Why is it that these geriatrics – I know where well on our way there – seem to zig and zag about in front of you. Problem is they zig when you zig and zag when you zag, almost as if they have hidden rear view mirrors in a bid to stop you overtaking.

Day 7, just 3 to go. It’s a sea day. I used to cope with these but no more.

Go to a naturist talk, not very good, followed by a mediocre quality video of our Glacier bay experience. Somewhat ironic that I normally complain – yes I know you’ll find that difficult to believe – that there’s not enough talks / lectures, yet this cruise has had quite a few and yet I’ve not bothered to attend. Perverse.

Evenings another peacocks parade so great people watching. My Rohan, trainers, white shirt and tie barely pass muster as the Maitre De looks at me like something he’s trod in and got stuck on the sole of his shoe – never mind little does he know that we’ve cancelled our fixed gratuities to ensure that leeches like him get no tip. You may feel this is a bit harsh on Maitre De’s, but we’ve yet to encounter one who isn’t a complete waste of space, you see nothing of them for the first three quarters of the cruise and then starts to smarmy around you as you approach the last evening and the hopes of a big tip.

Up at the crack of sparrows as we dock at 07:00 and depart at 13:30, so by the time we’ve had breakfast we’ve only about 4 hours in Victoria.

Walk into the city and catch a hop on hop off bus tour, just 90 minutes, but a great way to see Victoria. Then it’s a wander around the city with a very welcome dirty chai at Starbucks to defrost the frozen blood in my veins. Boy was it cold on that open top bus. Call in a few tat shops and Wendy manages to get the mandatory fridge magnet. Then it’s a gentle stroll back to the ship. It’s oh so nice to get out and have a walk.

Victoria’s a lovely city, so relaxing and laid back with plenty to enjoy. We really must think about coming back for a couple of weeks, it’s quite mild in summer and we’ve had a couple of home exchange requests for here, but I’d always dismissed them as being too cold. The real pity is we didn’t get a whole day here.

Of course you might question why the hop on / off bus doesn’t stop at the cruise terminal gate, I did. The cynic in me expects it’s another marketing department plot to extract the maximum out of us by charging for the bus into the city and encouraging everyone to go on the cruises more expensive hop on / off tour. I bet they black mailed the city council into banning a stop at the cruise terminal or they wouldn’t visit Victoria.

By way of a change we escape fixed dining and sneak into anytime dining, no one bothers to check on you. We have a good group at fixed dining but it is nice to meet the range of different people offered by anytime dinning. This time we get an interesting table of 6; one guy just recovered from chemo, so an interesting slant on life; yet again we encounter a judge – conclusion is that this cruise must infested with judges.

Vancouver Island might be ideal for 2018 Canada trip. Fly into New York; drive up through Niagra; Ottowa; Montreal; Toronto; then drive or train across Canada and the Rockies; Vancouver Island; then fly back from Vancouver, or vice versa.

Yet another sea day, the last one thankfully, they’re getting a tad boring now. Highlight of the day is people watching, blogging, exercise, a fandango with the shower curtainand then it’s time to put on my fodder bag and head down for dinner. I would say dress for dinner but jeans and jumper hardly meet the Downton Abbey standards of sartorial etiquette.

After yet another lunch Wendy packs whilst I get a well overdue espresso fix, write me blog and watch people buy gold chains as if there lives depended upon it being a lifeline to heaven.

Two of our fellow diners decide they’re celebrating their wedding anniversary, it being 3 months away doesn’t seem to deter them, and of course they get a chocolate cake and card from the crew.

Booze evening with our diners.

I think the highlight of the day has to be walking and chatting with this old couple, 90+ years, married for 60+ years – earlier in the lounge they managed a 2 minute dance together, not sure who was holding who up. They both walk with a walking stick, backs bent over double like a tree bowing to the wind, the very epitome of a Disney geriatric. The old guy congratulates us on BREXIT, about time he says, smart move. Then they proceed to walk up the stairs. Yes, they walk up. No lift, no wheel chairs or scooters, even though they can barely walk. Puts the youngsters – everyone on this ship is younger than them, to shame. Awesome.

Good news is that despite Princess’s best efforts at turning us all into blobbies, we’ve survived 10 days of rampant gluttony all around without gaining any weight, despite the wine, brandy and not forgetting the all important vodka martini. Mind you weighing yourself in a what seems like a major maelstrom is an exercise in understanding of Newtons laws of motion and gravity.