Tony & Wendy's Travel Blog

Thursday – hot and sunny.

Drive down to Hollywood beach and have a walk along the Hollywood Boardwalk. Its actually quite pleasant around here even if a little too popular but we still prefer Sarasota. 

Then in the afternoon we explore Fort Lauderdale Historic water front. Both very pleasant.

Then in the hope of finally getting a Toblerone Cheesecake, to replace the one that was Wendy scoffed 5 years ago, we call in on the way home at the massive Sawgrass Mills mall to visit the Cheesecake Factory. Alas no Toblerone Cheesecake anymore – deprived. Settle for a chocolate coconut one. After no sweets at dinner on the cruise I’ve weakened. Oh so sickly!

How this for feminine logic – an oxymoron if ever there was one. We’re in this ginormous mall, with as many shops as Muslims at a blasphemy riot. Then out comes another pearler – “There’s too much choice, it’s hopeless when you don’t know what you want”. Also note the word “want” and not “need”. 

For a real treat try watching Pierce Morgan interview Alex Jones on gun control http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p1Ddb3oa5CE. Alex is a real moron, so stupid that if he threw himself on the ground he’d miss. The thought of him owning a gun, is the best ever argument for complete gun control. There’s even a petition to get Pierce Morgan deported because of his stance on gun control.

Didn’t realise these new Columbia shirts are not only sun proof, sweat proof and mosquito proof but also red wine proof. It’s amazing as I nod off I happen to spill some red wine on my shirt – a rare event – the shirt just repels the wine, more than can be said for my shorts:-(

Apparently while we’ve been away the THREAT ALERTS IN EUROPE have been escalated to new highs:

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya, Egypt and Syria and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.”
The latest rise is precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniforms and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

A final thought – “Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC”.

Friday – hot and cloudy.

Drive up to Mouse Town.

Hotel is in the heart of Kissimee yet  very secluded, thankfully. Wendy’s moaning it’s not on Disney doorstep, as advertised, only minutes away – well actually it is, albeit 59 minutes. Come on Disney’s that big even the Disney hotels are miles away. When she sees the room she shuts up. It’s a massive one bedroom suite, king bed, two full bathrooms one with jacuzzi, kitchen, two TV’s, settee (couch) and comfy chairs. Wait for the price.  £60 a night including free breakfast and wifi that works and is reasonably fast. Amazing!

After lunch around the pool we go to Downtown Disney. Yet again. Wendy wants a browse around the stores – hope there’s not too much choice again.

I get a relaxing coffee and do some people watching and blogging, while Wendy spends an hour scouring the Disney store. It would have been a mortal sin not to. I thought she’d at least got me a Disney gift card or two or three or more:-7

This place is a real blobbie magnet, some of them even make Jabba the Hut look anorexic.

At last I get the label “GAP”, as a buxom wench in a skin tight tee shirt walks past, with two chapel hat pegs sticking out and the word “GAP” blazoned across her bosom. All these years and I’d never realised it was describing the valley of the shadow of death.

Meanwhile I notice that yet another of my favourite tee shirts looks like a Swiss cheese after only 10 years. Does nothing last these days. I suppose I could keep it as a fashion statement.

Hotel are offering us Disney tickets for $62.50 each – sounds good. Then towards the end of the transaction, thankfully before I’ve paid, it turns out I need to got to a 2 hour timeshare presentation with free buffet breakfast. No thank you. No mention of it anywhere in the advertising. Dodgy.

MacAngus burgers all round for dinner. Pretty good.

Then we come to look for our bag of electronics. Can’t find them anywhere. Allegations of who packed them, or didn’t pack them, as the case may be. Questions as to Wendy having checked the room was empty before we left. Despair. What a cock up. That’s a 400 mile round trip to go back and retrieve them. Accusations flying. Tempers fraying. Then Wendy suddenly remembers – oh I put them in my haversack rather than the suit case. Worrying thing is we both forgot!

More lunacy and more opportunities to riot and “stern action”.

The Sultan of Malaysia’s Selangor state has banned non-muslims from using the word ‘Allah’ (dam I’ve used it, that’s another country I won’t be visiting) claiming that it is a sacred word exclusive to Muslims.

A statement from the Islamic Affairs Council of the Selangor state says:

Sultan Sharafuddin Idris Shah made a decision and decreed that the word ‘Allah’ (not again) is a sacred word specific to Muslims and it is prohibited to be used by any non-Muslim in Selangor.

This fatwa includes unspecified stern action against those who disobey the decree and use the word allah (And again and not even a capital letter – tut, tut).

Saturday – hot 83F and sunny

After meeting such nice Canadians on our cruise we decide on a visit to Canada – only $93 each. So it’s off to Epcot. Canada 360 degree panorama and we’ve seen it all in 30 minutes – now that’s value for money.

Look at these two icons of the Great Britain. The phone box and post box, not Wendy. Why did they ever get rid of them? They were virtually vandal proof.

Have lunch in France – bread and cheese but alas no wine as I’m diving. Well I would be if some numpty, who will remain nameless, hadn’t forgot his PADI Dive Certification. It’s an age thing and I don’t like it. Fortunately they can check my certification out online.

Disney is as stunning as ever. Yes, we’ve been there many times but we never fail to be impressed with it all. Now they even have free wifi everywhere and it works. Question would we rather be in Colon Panama or Epcot? Give me civilisation any time.

Wendy had bought me a dive at Epcot DiveQuest. You get a behind the scenes look at the Seas exhibit and then do a 40 minute dive in the massive aquarium 205 ft in diameter and 25 ft deep over 200 different species of fish. It’s just an awesome experience. Where else can you 
swim up close, sometimes too personal, with sand tiger sharks; brown sharks; black nose sharks; green turtles; loggerhead turtles; spotted eagle rays; cow nose rays and the infamous southern sting ray. A tad disconcerting when you look to one side to see a large sting ray going past with its long tail just inches away, or come face to face with the mangy teeth of a shark. It’s my 2nd visit, all so well organised and one of all my all time favourite dives, so relaxing.

Interesting back stage. But when you approach the blue door, to go on stage with the guests, everyone is expected to put away the problems and cares of the day and just smile once they’re through that door.

Then it’s back to the hotel with Subway for dinner – now thats what I call food.

So Obama may issue an executive order to limit access to automatic and semi-automatic weapons. No chance of the sensible thing of a complete ban on firearms. That would be too much of an assault on Americas macho males penis extensions! Actually he could solve the sole gun problem and implement a total ban if he just rubbed out a letter “e” in the original of the 2nd Amendment. That way everyone could “bare arms”! Just think of the increased sales of short sleeve shirts and blouses.

Only in America could they raise the idea of minting a trillion dollar coin when they’re already $16 Trillion in debt.

Only in America do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

Only in America do they use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so they won’t miss a call from someone they didn’t want to talk to in the first place. 

Only in America do they buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America do they use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.

Sunday – hot and sunny.

Its the Magic kingdom today. Monorail ride is as exciting as ever. Wendy just loves this park and all the magic. Just think 500 years ago all these Disney geezers would have been burned at the stake for all their magic talk. 

As a devoutly religious person would say “it would be a sin to go to Florida and not visit Disney”. Wot adults with no kids. Magic Kingdom without kids is it a bit like Internet without graphics.

We get there about 11:00 and watch various shows and of course the main parade. Just like a kid, Wendy’s sat on the floor waiting eagerly for the highlight of the day, the main parade. Anyone would think we’ve never seen one before but the magics still there. You really have to give it them they know how to put on a show and entertain. 

Visit the new Fantasy Land – alas “It’s a small world” is still there. I still manage to beat Wendy on the buzz light year ride but the 10 year old in front of me has scored 10 times my score, puts me to shame. 

7 gruelling hours later we leave. Decide to give the fireworks a miss. It was a great day but where’s the stamina or have we learnt wisdom with age?

As we’re leaving down Main Street Wendy comes up with a feminine classic, “I’m just going to pop in here to see if there’s anything I want” – note the want and not need again. A friend explained an interesting Darwinian theory on women’s shopping habits. It goes back to the good old days when we were cavemen – hunters and gatherers. The men went out and hunted for a specific animal – food. Hence when we go shopping, we’re on a mission with a clearly defined objective. Whereas women go out and will browse the racks and shelves without even a clear need or even want in mind. Goes back to their role in the cave when they went out and gathered the fruits and berries which required quite a lot of browsing.

Continued details of the Revocation of Independence are posted below.

It has also been noticed that having traffic lights across the road (black top) is a serious health hazard when driving with the Sun visor down – you can easily miss the red lights as you can’t see them. All new roads will be built with traffic lights on the road side – just think how much steel you’ll save.

All new cars will no longer be built with one of those silly foot parking brake that require you to grope around n the dark of the footwell in order to find the minute release lever.

Monday – warm and sunny.

Late check out for our 18:30 flight back to the cold and snow. Joy. Never mind only 4 weeks to my proper holiday. 

We’ll be back!

Friday – hot, humid and sunny.

At 06:30 we sail into the Gatun Locks of the Panama canal. Some are up to see it. The smart ones have figured out that as we’re going in and coming back out we can see the same thing at a more civilised hour. Park up in the middle of Gatun lake; tender off those who are going on a tour; hang around a couple of hours; then return back through the same locks. Have to say it’s an impressive feat of engineering especially when you consider it was completed in 1914 and the major impact / saving it has on shipping. 

At last I manage to make a simple cheese sandwich for lunch.

Then we dock in Colon in Panama for 3 hours. Less said the better. As everyones advised not to go out the port area, supported by all travel advice I’ve seen. Even it’s own web site, it really seems a complete waste of time. Mind you we did have to pick up those who went on a tour. At least I finally managed to get onto free wifi and pick up 62 emails.

Glad we’ve seen the canal but Panama is just another one of those countries we won’t be coming back to.

Dinner was a tad disappointing should have gone to the buffet. Went along to the show. Thankfully there were no seats – looked like my worse nightmare of song and dance. Even Wendy wasn’t keen.

Early night watching Curb Your Enthusiasm Season 8 at long last – both seemed to nod off around the 3rd episode. Its as good as the rest we were just tired from all that exertion during the day.

TV on board isn’t bad, not that we watch it, but it does have some good films and documentaries on.

Only in America:

• Only in America could politicians talk about the greed of the rich at a $35,000 a plate campaign fund raising event.
• Only in America could people claim that the government is still discriminates against black Americans when they have a black President, a black Attorney General, and roughly 18% of the federal workforce is black.
• Only in America do they have terrorists kill people in the name of Allah and have the media primarily react by fretting that Muslims might be harmed by the backlash.
• Only in America could someone drinking a $5 latte and texting to his friends on an iPhone 4 complain that the government allows some people to make too much money.

Saturday – even hotter, more humid and sunny. Haven’t a clue on temperature just know its to dammed hot.

Dock in Puerto Limon, Costa Rica. We avoid any of the tours as they’re mainly rain forrest, saw enough in Oz; banana plantation, probably put me off bananas for life; coffee plantation – similar; Tortuga canal sounded interesting but it really is the wrong time of day to see wildlife – such as Sloth, 2 and 3 toed – and Wendy didn’t want to be consumed by mosquitos. Costa Rica sounds a progressive place, no standing army – country won Nobel Peace prize for disbanding armed forces; first democracy in South America; long period of peaceful existence and not  to forget 95% literacy rate!

So we decide on a stroll around town. Whilst we didn’t feel threatened or in danger, apart from the man traps and pits strategically placed around the streets which could have broken a few bones  – seems like someone steals the grids off the drains! Have to say it was the sort of chicken shit place that makes us appreciate even Blackburn. High police presence. Even though it seemed to consist of 12 year olds, with police baseball caps, riding mountain bikes whilst conducting lengthy conversations on the mobiles glued to their ear. Not even a MacDonalds and none of the supposedly free wifi worked.  Very disappointing, won’t be on our returns list. 95% literacy, well I can only assume all the kids were on holiday!

Afternoon around the pool with Kindle. Wendy watches Snow White and the Huntsman on the big pool screen. I manage to upset some Americans when I jump in the pool. Oh dear the’ve got a little water on their hair. What do they expect if they sit on the poolside, it’s a swimming pool for gods sake – not too bright!

Oh and it was my 63rd Birthday. Great cards and presents from the kids but alas at £3 a minute we didn’t want to fritter away their inheritance that fast on a phone home. Wendy bought me a Panama baseball cap and a Scuba dive in the Epcot aquarium with all the sharks, stingrays and multitude of other fish. Has she taken out an extra life policy on me?

Day 6 and I’m starting to look forward to getting back to the USA; some simple food – beans on toast; having severe wifi withdrawal symptoms. Funny it’s not email, and certainly not Facebook, I’m missing but just having the Internet to answer so many day to day queries.

Enjoyable meal with Alec and Ann, complete with obligatory birthday cake and Happy Birthday serenade from the crew. Comedy show then very late to bed 23:30 – Noddy well past Big Ears.

Can you believe it? Well yes I can!

Gunmen on motorcycles sprayed a van carrying employees from a community center with bullets, murdering five female teachers and two aid workers.

The director of the group that the seven worked for says he suspects it was the latest in a series of attacks directed at antipolio efforts in Pakistan. Some extremist muslims oppose the vaccination campaigns, accusing health workers of acting as spies for the United States and claiming the vaccine is intended to make Muslim children sterile.

Last month, nine people working on an antipolio vaccination campaign were shot and killed.

Sunday – hot and sunny. Pewk bags are out again, very rough.

Try an all time American classic for breakfast. Peanut butter and jam. Not one for my top 10 culinary delights.

Sea day. Now I’m really missing the Internet. So much I want to get done, I could even be earning some  money solving my next SQL problem. Frustrated! What’s the difference between a sea and an Ocean? How do you flatten XML in SQL? Whats the GDP of the World? Whats a Sloth like? Need a VRBO in the Smokies………..

Post a photo of Mum and eulogy on Facebook. Get some more emails.

Formal in the evening. Make the supreme effort with a tie. Ladies wear their pretty frocks.

Only in America:

• Only in America would people take rappers who brag about shooting people and selling drugs seriously when they complain the police are targeting them unfairly.
• Only in America would do they make people who want to legally become American citizens wait for years in their home countries and pay tens of thousands of dollars for the privilege while discussing letting anyone who sneaks into the country illegally just become American citizens.
• Only in America could the people who believe in balancing the budget and sticking by the country’s Constitution be thought of as “extremists.”
• Only in America can you have terrorists fly planes into buildings and have some people’s first thought be “what did we do to make them hate us?”
• Only in America does airport security put its hands on your underwear….while you’re wearing it.

Monday – hot with sun and cloud.

It’s Grand Cayman today. Been there before, a lovely civilised place. Free wifi at most cafes and it works.

I do the dive so it’s up and out early. Typical I’ve got a cold so shouldn’t really be diving. I miss out on the 1st. Mind you it’s an +80ft wall dive. Considering most people are only PADI Open Water Certified. Mind you Princess demand that only Open Air Certification will do! Open Water means a maximum depth of 60ft. It’s ok says the dive master if you want to just stay at 40-60 ft you can just swim above the group. Great idea. Your air supply packs up so you’ve got a 20 – 40 ft swim down to your buddy to get emergency air. Oh and on the way down you’ll need to take it slow to decompress your ears. I don’t think so. Sounds a recipe for disaster.

I do the 2nd dive which is a maximum 60 feet for 40 minutes. It’s the Paradise coral reef followed by a wreck dive. A great dive; warm; fabulous coral; turtles; loads of very colourful fish; 60 foot visibility; because it’s sunny above you really get the benefit of the colours of the fish and the wreck adds a pleasant change. My sort of fair weather diving.

Wendy and Ann have gone into the town for some retail therapy. Somewhat belatedly, thanks to our bus being 30 minutes late, I get to meet them and Alec, he’s been on the stingray snorkel tour, for a pleasant lunch at Breezes.Very pleasant.

After lunch I go with Wendy and Ann for a browse around the shops. Alec goes snorkelling from the beach. He found the coral and that better than his morning tour. After 60 minutes around the shops I’m kicking myself for not doing the snorkelling.

For a pleasant change at dinner we go up to the Horizon Court for the buffet.

Just one more sea day before we’re off this pirate floating gin palace and get to some free wifi!

What undesirable condition – answers on an email please?

Women in the Indonesian city of Lhokseumawe have been banned from riding astride motorbikes because of ludicrous fears that it distracts men drivers.

Civic leaders in the second largest city in Aceh province say they are clamping down on un-Islamic practices. Mayor Suaidi Yahya said:

Women sitting on motorbikes must not sit astride because it will provoke the male driver. It’s also to protect women from an undesirable condition.

It’s improper for women to sit astride. We implement Islamic law here.

Tuesday – hot and very sunny.

Sea day. Lounge around ship in the  morning; Wendy goes shopping and washing; I go to the Navigation at Sea Lecture in the afternoon. I was desperately trying to figure out what they’d try and sell me at the end – brass sextant, compass, map, telescope all marked with “Princess Cruise” no doubt. But no sales pitch – wow. What a cynic. Get a few of my questions answered at last. Key one about how stabilisers work and there effect on MPG. It turns out that when they’re deployed MPG goes down. Now a cynic may think that a few sick bags are probably cheaper than the extra fuel costs. Fortunately everyone knows that cynicism is not one of my strong points:-7.

After yet another lunch we go up on deck and try and find a sun lounger. I think the ship must be full of Germans. Yes, the towels are out in force. Supposedly moved if left more than 30 minutes – I wish. I’d cure them with a simple strategy. After 30 minutes throw towels, books and other personal space stake holders overboard. If they do it a 2nd time throw the owners overboard. Usual story plenty for everybody if everybody is reasonable but of course scrots are everywhere.

Pleasant evening meal in the buffet again with Alec and Ann. Some how it’s more relaxing than the formal dining room and the menu down there looked like it was an assembly of cruise last day  leftovers.

Only in America:

• Only in America could the government force a skating rink to have handicapped parking spots and Braille on the ATM machines.
• Only in America could the government collect more tax dollars from the people than any nation ever has before in all of recorded history, still spend trillions of dollars more that it has per year, and complain that it doesn’t have nearly enough money.
• Only in America can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
• Only in America do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Wednesday – don’t care about the weather it just one of those days from hell when we have to go through US Immigration.

Disembarkation was well organised and painless. But US Immigration, as always, manage to inflict the maximum amount of misery. 2 desks for Non-US and 10 for US. Fast moving US queue. Slow moving and getting longer Non-US queue. Then to turn up the misery one of the Non-US  misery inflicters disappears. 40 minutes to get my photograph and finger prints taken yet again. Do they want visitors? We love travel around the US but every time we encounter this crap we want to vote with our feet.

Why do we choose Hertz. There’s at least 4 pickup buses from every other company. The Hertz bus is about as rare as a woman’s liberation march organised by the Taliban. Perhaps Hertz have been taken over by US Immigration.

Hertz at least make up for it by giving us a one hell of an upgrade. Well seems like about a 10 car upgrade. We booked the cheapest, smallest car going and are entitled to a free upgrade, this time it’s to a roomy Ford Escape SUV. Mind you Perhaps I should hang onto it and take it up to Park City. 

Hotels a tad outside of Fort Lauderdale but I know I’m in heaven. Junk food in abundance even within walking distance (most un American I know). After all that cruise food there’s Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, Checkers, Starbucks, Johnny Rockets, Rainforest Cafe and best of all a Cheesecake factory – perhaps I might finally get my Toblerone Cheesecake. Start simple with a Subway.

Wendy’s excited as I’ve managed to start a download of the East Enders Omnibus for the whole of last week. Note the word started, at these wifi speeds it will probably be finished in time for our flight home next week – feel a Victor moment coming on.

Whilst we both enjoyed the cruise I think 10 days was just enough. So what did we like about it:

• Great service and friendly crew.
• Met some interesting people and made some good friends with Alec & Ann. Amazing how comfortable and easy to get on with some people are, like you’d always known them always.
• Cabin and balcony very comfortable.
• Even though the ship was full it was never really crowded anywhere – a really nice size.
• Photography course good.
• Port lectures were good.
• Enjoyed Aruba catamaran and snorkel; Cartagena was a lovely old city to explore; Panama canal was interesting and relaxing; dive in Grand Cayman was one of the best I’ve done.
• Good movies selection and TV even though we didn’t use it.

Acid test – will we cruise Princess again? Yes.

Continued details of the Revocation of Independence are posted below.

You will learn to eat using both a knife and fork at the same time.

To improve gourmet food in the UK, Taco Bell will get the royal seal of approval “By appointment to her majesty the queen” if they open a branch in every UK city. That’ll be one up on the French food snobs.

All restaurants and cafes will attend compulsory tea making classes. It will be illegal to serve tea with cream, half and half or hot milk. Putting milk in the cup first or last will however be left up to the individual establishments preference. After 6 months anyone found serving tea with cream or hot milk will be sent to Guantanamo Bay.

All petrol pump credit card machines will be reprogrammed to accept UK Post Codes (Zip codes to you).

Credit cards will use chip and pin to cut down on fraud – you know it makes sense.

Any organisation that is complicit in the deaths of 10,000 of our newly claimed citizens will be declared illegal. The NRA will therefore be declared illegal, it will be disbanded forthwith along with their political lobby. Members will receive a full refund of their membership fees.

Pavements (sidewalks to you) and cycle paths will be installed on all urban roads so that citizens can safely walk without the need for a gas guzzler.

Drive in booths will be abandoned. You can get out your gas guzzlers and walk. The exercise will do you good and help reduce obesity levels.

Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

Hussar and God Save the Queen!

Saturday – grey and rainy as we leave Sarasota and then hot and sunny by the time we get to Fort Lauderdale.

Relaxing motorway drive all the way. Cross the top of the Everglades and through the Cypress Preserve.

Comfort suite is looking a bit tired. Rooms ok but wifi’s crap.

Have a drive down to Deerfield Beach thinking we’ll have a pleasant coffee on the beach front – no chance. Not a single coffee shop in site.

So what’s the best seller been this Christmas here in the land of the free? Is it iPad, iPhone, even a kindle, barbie doll? No, it’s automatic rifles and automatic weapons – multiple killing machines. There sold out. If you rush you may be able to pick up a shotgun!! Lunacy. Why? Well after the recent massacre rather than reason prevailing citizens are afraid they’ll be banned – as if!

Sunday – very warm and sunny, 84F.

Leisurely breakfast. Complain to the manager about the crap wifi and carrier pigeon speed when you’re connected. As part of my economic evolution of a business theory (only when it hits the bottom line will they improve and evolve, so I’m helping them become a better business) I demand a partial refund and get $25 on a $62 room.

Drive down to the port to drop off the Hertz mobile. Hertz obviously don’t want the business nor do they want their cars back as it’s better hidden than a Utah liquor store. Of course I mention that it would be nice to see a sign – “ah it must have blown over”.

Whisked off to the ship or is it boat. Who knows, who cares, apart from the Captain who gives me some cause for concern as he sounds Italian – offices and crew first!

Takes an hour to board and they manage a grand total of 5 queues. Airports look out they’re beating you on number of queues. Overall it was not too bad. Apart from! Queuing to have your photograph taken in front of a mangy palm tree beach backdrop. Good to know they care about customer service so much and inflict a queue on you to start milking you before you’ve even boarded. Make it an optional extra queue for those who want it. Needless to say in true Victor style I refused. Rant over – at least for now.

I’m already getting Internet withdrawal symptoms, fingers shaking and hovering over an imaginary keyboard, incessant opening and closing the laptop lid and check signal strength. The hotel last night helped prepare me for our move around to the dark side of the earth. Yes piracy is still rife on the high seas. Wifi is $0.79 a minute. How will I cope? What’s more at these speeds we’ll be home before this blog has been sent.

Also a tad worrying to know we have an Italian Captain!

Went to the evening show which was just about tolerable as they only had 10 minutes singing and dancing, then an excellent comedian. Mind you the song of the Elvis like alpha male surrounded by scantily clad, glitzy bimbos had the catchy melody  “there’s only on carrot and I’m not sharing it”.

Monday – warm, sunny and rough seas. Pewk bags are out on the stairs!

Good news if there’s some lectures on this cruise with such scintillating subject as colonic irrigation; how to shop – as if Wendy needs that; how to buy jewellery; Go Smile – teeth whitening; the all time cruise classic – “Eat more to Weigh Less”; acupuncture – probably selling needles; bad hair day; good feet – the mind boggles;  photography with a confusing title of basic advance – either way I’m sure they’re selling cameras. Underlying theme, as always, merchandising opportunity.

We attend the Bridge lecture, along with a few others, thinking it’ll be an opportunity to learn Bridge. Alas they forgot to mention it was for advanced.

Opted for the Trivia but heavily discriminated against – too many American questions.

Photography lecture was quite informative and only 2 very short commercials. To be fair there is at least an Aruba port lecture, which was pretty good and didn’t really push shore excursions.

Go for formal afternoon tea. Silver service but alas no cucumber sandwiches. Bit depressing. Full of geriatrics – I know we’ll be there one day.

New Years eve, so dinners a formal night – lobster tails or pheasant on the menu. Means we are commanded to wear monkey suit, tuxedo, dark suit, evening gown or cocktail dress – sex dependent. I make a token effort with my off white jacket trousers, shirt and even a tie, my vibram soled trainers complete my sartorial ensemble. Wendy looks very elegant in her new dress she had for Christmas off me. I really don’t know why we bother, two of the blobbies on our table turned up in scruffy T Shirts. Mind you they were real numpties, had it all arse about face with “we’re getting dressed after dinner”. They could both talk for America.

I’ve no problem with people wearing what the heck they want, we’re on holiday and we’re paying. But if they say formal dress they should enforce it. Why don’t they just say “formal dress for those that want to”. In future I’ll be dammed if I’m going to use my luggage weight allowance on such non-essentials.

Go to the show which has a Welsh las singer comedian – very good. Great voice.

Then we go mad and have a drink in the crooners bar listening to pianist. Sadly most of the bars are deserted.

Manage to stay awake until 10:30 but pass on the midnight party. More food and balloons. We’re just boring, enjoy a good book in the cabin.

Watching Americans eat is fascinating. Eight of them, forks at the ready and not a knife in action anywhere. What a great business opportunity for “Bite Sized Portions” – food pre-cut into bite sized chunks. You could even branch out into small, medium and large gob sized chunks. Then there’s no need for a knife. Dragons Den here we come.

No current  religious nonsense to talk about but having just completed watching the Tudors perhaps I should mention a few things from our torrid past:

Newly formed Church of England, under Henry VIII, classes anyone who disagrees with them as heretics and proceeds to burn them at the stake – savages.

Tuesday – warm and sunny.

Another sea day of merchandising, phoney lectures and food, food, food! To be fair we went to the America 101 lecture, Cartagena Port Lecture and “Advanced” photograph, all were very good.

Evening showtime was a Motown song and dance. I avoided it. Wendy said it was crap – well not quite those words but that was the sentiment. Then we both went to the stand up comedian. He was good.

Wednesday – hot and sunny.

We’ve docked in Aruba. Up at the crack of sparrows – 06:15 – for breakfast, Go on a Catamaran / Snorkelling  tour at 08:00. Is this a holiday?

Two snorkelling sites ones in shore relatively calm with a few pretty fish and some rocks. I’m the only with a wet suit but there again I was the only one who didn’t look blue after the event. The 2nd site was at the Antilla shipwreck. Very rough sea but you were able to see the wreck pretty well and it wasn’t too deep. Would have made a good dive as the bottom was only 60 feet and you’d have escaped the rough swell. Wendy came along for the ride; acted as official photographer and enjoyed it and the rum punch. 

Sadly we Just got back to the port with enough time to buy the mandatory fridge magnet, not enough time for real shopping – I was devastated. Ship departed at 12:30, well it would have done if a party of Italians knew how to tell the time – perhaps it was the Captain.

Well Aruba looked lovely; some great beaches but like most of the Islands not really that much there. Sadly seen one, seen them all seems to be the general consensus on the Caribbean Islands.

Another food opportunity for lunch and did some Obama baiting over lunch with some Americans. Always a topic to get their blood boiling and a few rants going. Is especially entertaining if you encounter a true red neck. I wonder who did vote for hime. Last nights show of hands at the comedy show helped explain why the boat / ship was listing to the right – about 90% Republicans.

Afternoon we do a photo lecture walk about, where the lecturer puts into practice what he’s been preaching. Then it’s a port lecture on Limon, Costa Rica.

Flexible dining again, This time we drop really lucky and have not one but two professors on a table of 6. Subjects Statistics and Psychology, both an aid to a good nights rest. After mentioning how Ice cream is a cause of drowning at least one of them quietens down.

Showtime was a not so good hypnotist – cheap entertainment.

Thursday – very hot and very sunny.

It’s Cartagena, Columbia today. Hook up with Alec and Ann for a taxi ride from the port. We then all have a shuffle around the old Town. It’s a UNESCO World heritage site. Lovely old town. We were quite surprised how clean and pleasant it was, with some stunning balconies. You would be able to see pictures if I could afford the wifi. Wendy and Ann spent quite some time in the shops. I think Ann must be a very devout religious person as her approach to shopping is “it would be a sin not to go in these shops.” Alec and I found a great coffee shop, complete with free wifi (picked up emails on iPhone but alas no Facebook) and thankfully air conditioning. Juan Valdez coffee was some of the best Columbian coffee I’d ever had.

Boy was it hot outside. Fortunately most of the streets are shaded.

Well we survived Columbia. Didn’t get shot; mugged; robbed; raped, and no one tried to sell us any white powder. Apparently those are the highlights of one of tomorrows ports of call in Colon, Panama. What a lovely sounding place. With a name like that; all the crime and high rainfall just think of the challenge the marketing director for the tourist board faces trying to promote it.

Cruise departed at 14:30, seems another short port stay, but just enough time to enjoy a pleasant stroll around the old Town.

Afternoon consisted of cruise lecture on the Panama Canal – tomorrows port of call.

Welsh wench singer comedian for the evening show.

PICTURES WILL BE ADDED LATER WHEN WE GET OFF THIS PIRATE SHIP.

Continued details of the Revocation of Independence are posted below.

Hollywood will be required to occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

An inland revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

By the way we are not taking on your National Debt, we’ve got enough of our own. You got yourselves into it so you can pay your way out. However we will be imposing some austerity (look it up) measures. We are also recruiting for a financial guru to help you out of the mess. Bwankers need not apply as they got you into this mess and haven’t a clue on how to manage joey. The ideal candidate will be a working Mother with 2 or more kids who has successfully bought her family up on a low income without getting into debt problems.

Wednesday – warm, manages 79F, but a short monsoon downpour and grey afternoon.

Spend the day sorting Wendy’s Christmas presents. Return the failed dress and get our money back. Swap the dressing gown for a small – should have stuck with my gut instinct and bought the small, that’ll teach me to listen to shop assistants. Then spend sometime looking for a replacement dress. Waste of time, nothing seen – joy!

Here we go again. This is one of the people the PC fascists are avoiding upsetting with Christmas wishes – numpties.

Sydney’s Lakemba Mosque has issued a fatwa against Christmas, warning followers it is a sin to even wish people a Merry Christmas. The ruling was posted on its Facebook site on Saturday. The head imam at Lakemba, Sheikh Yahya Safi, told the congregation during prayers they should not have anything to do with Christmas.

Thursday – coldest day so far only manages 66F but brilliant sunshine. Lovely waking weather.

Drive out to the Crowley Museum and Park. Original 19 century Homestead and nature reserve. Sadly hardly see any birds or wildlife but a lovely walk and pleasant lunch.

Then we drive down to Anna-Maria Island but after 30 minutes driving down Longboat Key we give up. Obviously much further than we thought. Longboat Key is a lovely area plenty of stylish properties and condos but very little public beach access. Drive back through Armands Circle and I can feel the call of a skinny Gingerbread Latte from Starbucks. Very pleasant sat in the sun people and car watching – all those lazy geezers using valet parking. I can never understand it, that lazy they’d rather pay someone than walk a few yards and then have to wait an age to get their car back, in which time they could have walked to their car.

Wendy gets a new dress from one of the many chic shops.

Here they go again – banning Christmas:

Saudi religious police stormed a house in the province of al-Jouf, detaining more than 41 guests for plotting to celebrate Christmas, a statement from the police said.

The host of the alleged Christmas gathering is reported to be an Asian diplomat whose guests included 41 Christians, as well as two Saudi Arabian and Egyptian Muslims. The host and the two Muslims were said to be severely intoxicated.

The intolerant and repressive country only recognizes Islamic faith and practice and has in the past banned public Christmas celebrations, but is ambiguous about festivities staged in private quarters. 

Friday – warm, sun and cloud with rain at tea time.

Wendy’s tidying up and packing so I get from under the feet and go kayaking on Siesta Key. Leisurely morning around the Islands. Plenty of birds but alas no Manatees or Dolphins today. A great way to see the place and so very relaxing. One on one with my guide Martin, an ex-pat who really knows his stuff and has a real passion for it.

Really getting into the American way as I call in at Starbucks on my way home for my Gingerbread coffee – looks like I can get it with just coffee, none of this latte, froth and lashings of cream on top.

Finish off packing etc ready for our drive down to Fort Lauderdale tomorrow.

We’ve loved it here in Sarasota. There’s just so much to see and do.  We managed to visit most of the places on our list and I would gladly come back. Weathers been just lovely, not too hot and not too cold. A few days when we had a hour or so’s rain but no days where it was a total wet day. Weather that allows you to enjoy whatever it is you’re up to. Enjoyed the culture here. Diving’s not really that good. Kayaking is great and if I come again will do much more of it. Such a pleasant way to see the place and nature. Next time hopefully the Mayaka river will be a bit deeper so that I can get to do that – highly recommend kayakfl.com. Also want to explore Anna- Maria Island, Holmes beach, it come high recommended and there’s some great kayaking. I think we just have to become Snowbirds and do November and December out here – although next year we’ll probably get back home just in time for Christmas. 

Continued details of the Revocation of Independence are posted below. Please read (if you can’t read try and find someone who can), inwardly digest and obey.

In order to better appreciate English humour the following English comedies will be broadcast on every TV channel – “Fawlty Towers”, “Only Fools and Horse”, “one Foot in the Grave”. These will be the full blown English version and not any sanitised or censored US version.

American TV advert times will be quartered and must have a 15 interval between advertisement slots.

For a period of 3 months all the junk on your TV channels will be replaced British TV channels. Yes get used to it less than 30 quality channels to choose from rather than hundreds of dross. We believe you’ll thank us for it. There will be a referendum after the trial period to see whether you want to go back to the hundreds of free dross or pay $300 a year for British TV.

The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $12/US gallon. Get used to it.) The extra will go towards your health care system and of course some will be skimmed off the top by the Inland Revenue – taxman.

You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

Monday – Grey and overcast but at least it’s warm.

Wendy tootles off to the supermarket while I get some work done.

After lunch we go mad and go out for a short birding / nature walk to the “Red Bug Slough” – sounds appealing doesn’t it. Alas no gators just Anhingers and Osprey.

Tuesday – Warm 77F, sunny in the morning overcast in the afternoon.

Open our presents in bed. Didn’t we do well. I bought Wendy a dress and dressing gown. At least got one of them right, dressing gown ok but she’s not too sure on the dress. I’ve got a £100 to spend along with iPhone case and at last some handkerchiefs, . What is wrong with the World, Wendy tells me it quite difficult to find handkerchiefs these days.

Drive down to Siesta Key Beach – voted Americas No 1 beach – have a pleasant couple of hours with the Kindle, picnic lunch and people watching. This geezer and his wife turn up complete with a loaded porters trolley and a full cart. Then starts to erect all sorts of wind driven kites and flyers. Most amusing, gave us hours of fun. Awaited the arrival of family and children but alas none came seems that he’s just a big kid who enjoys his flyers etc.

Very pleasant at these temperatures, make such a change from being too hot and sweaty. Makes beaches quite attractive.

Beach is heaving further down, as crowded as Blackpool on a good day. Mind you it is so clean and just fine pure brilliant white sand. Full of American families having simple fun. Building sandcastles. Cycling and walking along the beach, some even swimming and surfing. After our lunch we have an hours stroll along the tides edge.

Then we go mad on the way back and treat our selves to a Starbucks. I get the chance to be really trendy and order a “skinny gingerbread latte” – how cools that.

All that remains left to do now is have our belated Christmas dinner. Alas no goose.

Continued details of the Revocation of Independence are posted below. Please read (if you can’t read try and find someone who can), inwardly digest and obey.

The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).

There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination of ‘-ize.’ 

You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without shooting someone, suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.

All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect.

We like the idea of turn right on red if it is safe to do so and just to show how open we are to your good ideas we will adopt it in the UK. You of course will have to learn it’s a turn left on red.

Immigration is a travesty with appalling queues and service for overseas visitor. In order to boost the economy and make you aware of the problem for the next year all overseas visitors will be given priority and American passport holders will be forced to queue like a visitor. The situation will be review at the end of the year to see whether you have learnt your lesson and improved the service.

The TSA will forthwith start using common sense – yes we appreciate that’s going to be difficult – but profiling will be a minimum requirement. You know it makes sense. Why should everyone be inconvenienced for a minority and we’ve had enough mumbo jumbo from the do-gooder PC thought police.

As you are predominantly a Christian Nation you will be required to cease this PC mumbo jumbo of wishing people happy holidays. Instead you will wish people Happy Christmas or Happy Easter as appropriate. Anybody who is offended, is obviously mentally deranged, and can apply for political asylum in some foreign country (not the UK) of their choosing.

Friday – clear blue sky, windy and only 63F. The coldest it’s been.

Morning working. Alas the World hasn’t come to an end so now I have to go last minute Birthday and Christmas shopping. Bloody Mayans, last time I listen to them – no wonder they’re extinct. I know what to get, yet in the land of plenty can I find it. Never mind plan B problem solved.

After lunch we drive down to Casey Key and visit Nkomis beach. Blowing a gale but clear blue sky. Thankfully I’m not diving today. I think the boat we went out in would have sunk today.

It’s the American way. How to eat ribs – spend 15 minutes with knife and fork stripping meat off into bite sized chunks. Throw knife away. Use fork to deliver bite size chunks to mouth. Chew.

Then we have another only in America business. Flocking usually with pink Flamingos but will use other critters. Confused. We were. You pay a Company an obscene amount of money to put plastic critters all over someones yard along with a Birthday or other celebratory sign.

Saturday – another cold sunny day. Only 63F again, how will we cope?

Wendy’s birthday – 64. Presents include two Columbia walking shirts and this year I’ve excelled myself and bought one birthday card to act as a belated card for last year plus this year.

Afternoon of culture as we go to the theatre to see “Best of Enemies”. Based on a true story of school desegregation in the 1970’s in North Carolina and the role of a Klux Klux Clan and member of the black community. Disturbing to think that in our lifetimes this level of racial prejudice existed in a supposedly civilised country. Very enjoyable and thought provoking.

School Massacre – relax the NRA have the answer. A week after last weeks gun massacre they’ve obviously been burning the midnight oil to finally come up with the definitive solution. More guns! Armed guards in every school. Can you believe it? Where will that stop. Armed guards in every church. Every shopping mall. Every hospital. Every cinema. Hang on a moment why not arm the teachers? Why not arm all children and then they can defend themselves?

Who are these numpties? I know it’s nothing to do with us, but this is a country we like and care about. But when will they realise the answers simple. Get rid of the guns. Not just the black ones, the assault rifles, the automatics. All of them. Britain has the toughest gun control. None allowed – results 1 gun death per 7,500,000 citizens per year. USA has 1 gun death per 28,000 citizens per year – 267 times the rate in the UK. What does that fell you.

I heard a great phrase today that can aptly describe this lunacy from the NRA. If the NRA leadership threw themselves to the ground they’re that stupid they’d miss. 

Sunday – warm and sunny.

Lazy morning. Well not really got 3 hours programming done – joy.

After lunch we drive down to Sarasota for a walk around the Harbour front. Leisurely coffee at Marina Jacks – I’m sure the waitress fancied me judging by the number of time she offered more, coffee that is. Then a chat with some friendly fishermen. I suppose it must get boring for them so they welcome a chat with anybody.

Now for some light humour. Let’s hope any Americans sad enough to read this blog have a sense of humour. They need it with buffoons like the NRA to cope with.

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

In light of the recent massacre and the annual slaughter of 10,000 citizens a year through an obsession with an outdated and dangerous 2nd Amendment; your failure to financially manage yourselves; also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Details of Revocation of Independence will be posted on this blog over the coming days. Please read (if you can’t read try and find someone who can), inwardly digest and obey.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

The 2nd Amendment will be amended forth with and the word “arms” will be replaced with the words “pink water pistol”.

Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler or a water pistol. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry either in public.

You will immediately notify the Inland Revenue – your new tax collectors – of the location of the fiscal cliff so that they can assess any taxes due.

Within 7 days of this notice all retail outlets will cease the silly practice of advertising the price of goods without taxes. You have to pay the tax so you’ll start being sensible and include the tax – the price you see is the price you pay.

Also within 7 days it will be illegal to produce any bill or invoice (tab but get used to the correct term) with a tip or gratuity already included. Tipping will not be illegal but will normally only occur where there has been good service.

Sunday – hot and sunny.

Usual lazy morning then off down to Lido beach for an hours sun, sea, and Kindle. Followed by a leisurely stroll around the over priced shops of Armands Circle. Which is really a roundabout but doesn’t quite have the same traffic rules as a normal roundabout.

Followed by a Starbucks. Broke my own veto. Mind you I did ask if it would be ok for me to pay the amount of tax I felt like. Fell on deaf and disbelieving ears. Obviously barristers don’t read the Times or stoop as low as the Daily Mail.

Progressing through the TV series Damages on even days and The Tudors on odd days, curtesy of my free 1 months Netflix trial. Seems worth it for TV series, especially if you VPN into the USA where they have a much wider choice than UK viewers – now there’s a surprise. Mind you nod off to sleep for more than 10 seconds during Damages and you’ve totally lost the plot. Both great series even if Damages is a bit convoluted.

Well it looks like you can write Egypt off the tourist map.

Women who were not wearing the hijab are banned from voting in the Egyptian elections. 

Monday – hot and sunny.

Lazy morning then in the afternoon we do the American thing and go down to the local Mall. Well it’s 15 miles away but I suppose that qualifies as local. Wendy seemed to get the impression after 5 minutes that I was bored. Actually I was probably sulking because I couldn’t have a ride on the colourful train around the Mall – great for kids. Call in at dive shop to set up my dive.

Seemingly a little late of the mark, but perhaps just in time for possible renewed flak from the next controversial film, The Innocent Prophet from the likes of Terry Jones. Anyway UK parliamentarians have called for a ban on the previous controversial film, The Innocence of Muslims. Knowing our PC correct Dhimis they’ll probably succeed. One day we’ll wake up and wonder where “Free Speech” has gone, but by then it’ll probably be too late.

Looks like we’re in for some more tantrums, riots and killings as a new film “The Innocent Prophet” hits the streets. Hope its as good as the Monty Python swipes at Christianity. Hopefully it’ll desensitise the fundamentalists some more. Perhaps one day they’ll get back to doing whatever it is good God / Allah / Budha / Darwin / Apollo / Mother Earth / Oak Tree fearing folk should be doing.

Tuesday – warm and sunny.

It’s supermarket day for Wendy the 2nd highlight of her week after the Mall yesterday.

I spend  the day at home working in peace and quiet. Have a great time programming – once a nerd always a nerd and proud of it.

Having no religious affiliation is now world’s third biggest ‘faith’ after Christianity and Islam. Christianity is the largest faith with 2.2 billion adherents or 31.5 per cent of the world’s population. There are about 1.6 billion Muslims around the world – or 23 per cent of the global population. No wonder so many have no faith when they look at the lunacy that is carried out in the name of religion. Never mind all the senseless violence, how can any rational person believe the Earth was only made a less than a few thousand years ago and ignore evolution?

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2250096/You-wouldnt-believe-atheism-worlds-biggest-faith-Christianity-Islam.html#ixzz2FdDJ4bpz

Wednesday – hot and sunny.

Visit Historic Spanish Point, a local park /  homestead. as well as being an Indian site, complete with burial mounds, dating back 4000 years. Then in 1860’s it became a early Florida homestead. Lovely location and plenty of things to see. Staffed by informative and enthusiastic volunteers who make the place so interesting. Have our usual lavish lunch.

Thursday – hot and sunny but wind starts to get up.

I’m up at the crack of Sparrows. Have to be at the boat dock for my dive by 08:00. 

Only 3 of us on the dive with 2 staff. 3 of the 5 are dive masters so am in safe hands. Boats just about big enough for us to get in. 45 minute ride out is just below my puke threshold. Dives about 44 foot deep around artificial concrete pipes dropped onto the sea bed to start to form an artificial reef. Visibility is a bit poor, only 15 to 20 foot. See a few big Grouper, Sardines and some Flounders. Bit of a disappointing dive really but it helps me keep my hand in. 

When we get back to the surface it’s got a lot choppier. I just about get back on board before I loose my breakfast and shout for Huey and Ruth. Abandon all thoughts of the 2nd dive. Being sea sick is bad enough but the thought of being sea sick 40 feet below is disgusting. By now the winds getting up and I get to really appreciate the beauty of a tiny boat bouncing around like a cork in 3 foot swells. Stepping onto tera firma was never so welcome. Must investigate Qualms Sea Sick pills to see wherever they’re compatible with diving or am I likely to nod off on the bottom.

Afternoon around the pool with Wendy, rehydrating and replacing lost breakfast.

And then they say they don’t need gun controls.

Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

Mind you I see Obamas done the smart thing and passed the hot potato onto the Vice President to come up with recommendations.

Thursday – warm and sunny.

Leisurely morning.

In the afternoon I’m off Kayaking in Sarasota bay then down the Mangrove tunnels. Manatees, Herons, Osprey, Storks, Pelicans, Conch and Cormorants so close you can touch. Awesome day out. Great guide and so much of nature seen. Really interesting, must do this again, especially as I managed not to capsize. Such a lovely way to see a place.

Wendy goes window shopping in Sarasota and fortunately doesn’t spend much apart from an extravagant $1.16 on a cup of tea at Wholefoods. Now thats a supermarket you could spend a fortune in. Some awesome foods especially their luxury Granola and better still they sell bottled Hof Brau. Heaven.

Is maths an American strong point? Why do I ask? Subway are offering a 6″ for $2 and a foot long for $5. Doh! 

Just in case you think I have any religious bias against “that religion”. Here’s two equally disturbing  violence advocating quotes from the Bible:

“I come not to bring peace, but to bring a sword” (Gospel of Matthew 10:34) or  “I have come to cast fire upon the earth; and how I wish it were already kindled” (Luke 12:49-51).

Friday – warm and overcast.

Picnic all packed ready for a day out at Myakka State Park – one of our favourites. A bit overcast so a change of plans.

We head up to St Petersburg. Can’t really find a city centre to explore so we head down to St Petes Beach. Take our chairs and lavish picnic onto the lovely white sandy beach – this is a first for us since the kids grew up. Glorious sunshine and not a cloud in the sky although it’s the coolest it’s been so, far only73F, just nice for sitting on a beach. Over lunch we’re treated to a passing school of Dolphins and watch Brown Pelicans diving. The dolphins are only about 30 feet out.

Have a lovely stroll along the beach – our exercise for the day.

Then drive down to treasure Island. Not really that much there other than more pristine white beaches.

Come across the most politically correct pier in America – see photo. Spot what’s missing?

Another sad day for America, yet another massacre. This time it’s 26 primary school children gunned down. When will they ever learn? As I’ve alluded to before these are daily events now in America. But oh no the 2nd is sacred. Don’t infringe their rights or you’ll be on the NRA hit list.

But some good news from the world of science:

Humulone, the bitter-tasting chemical compound found in hops, is said to be effective against cold and flu virus

Have to increase my daily alcohol intake to a good quality lager and red wine!

Saturday – warm and sunny.

Finally go down to Myakka State Park. Interesting bird talk with the ranger. Lunch looking over the lake. Then a stroll down to the weir. Unfortunately we take a wrong turn and poor Wendy has to risk life and limb with me wading through the long grass. She throws a real wobbly when she learns there are rattle snakes in there and I’ve led her astray! Mind you when she sees a cottonmouth snake – first snake we’ve ever seen in the wild – she quickly moves onto high ground.

Todays wild sitings include a Bald Eagle, Kildeer, Avocet, Snipe, Palm Warbler, Osprey, Turkey Vultures,  Roseate Spoonbill, Black Vulture, Anhinger, Wood Stork, Herons galore and a Cottonmouth snake.

On the way home we call in Sports Authority to pick up a couple of shirts. Now bear in mind it’s just a day after 26 kids were massacred and there they are parents buying their kids a Colt M4 and 1911 pistol. Pump action suitable for all levels of PLAY – 2 Day sale only $29.99, see picture. Have they and the store no respect, shame or common sense. And of course if you’re over 18 you can buy anything from a rifle to pump action shotguns. No bloody wonder there’s so much gun crime. Will they ever learn?

Sadly one aspect of American culture. The political system is designed to have so many checks and balances to protect democracy and limit power of anyone group or individual that achieving change or even another amendment to the constitution is extremely difficult and rare.

Three Very American Things to Ponder:

1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

C O W S

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

T H E C O N S T I T U T I O N

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq . Why don’t we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we’re not using it anymore.

T H E 1 0 C O M M A N D M E N T S

The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: You cannot post “Thou Shalt Not Steal,” “Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,” and “Thou Shall Not Lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians…It creates a hostile work environment.

Monday – warm and sunny. Overcast in the afternoon and then rain. At least its over night. The heavens open up with a thunderstorm and torrential rain for about 20 minutes.

Wendy’s not feeling so good so we have a leisurely day in and get some programming done.

Don’t you just love this obsession with the second amendment “right to slaughter”, sorry my mistake “right to bear arms”.

A local married man and father of 5 was shot and killed yesterday. Why, what had he done? Well he was sat in his car at some traffic lights and a guy driving past just shot him at random. No road rage just mindless random violence. I’d better stop giving my Churchillian or European salute to drivers who annoy me. In Oregon 2 people are shot at random in a shopping mall. Madness. That’s it I’m not going shopping any more.

Meanwhile two boys 7 and 11 –  yes still in primary school – with a loaded handgun try to rob a women.

Tuesday – warm and sunny but poors down with rain in the afternoon.

In the morning we venture down to the mangroves in the South Lido nature reserve for a stroll and some bird watching. A majestic Osprey, some weird looking crabs and a tree that looks like it’s covered in shells.Then it’s lunch at my favourite coffee shop. Wendy gets her weekly supermarket fix – god bless Publix – while I enjoy some music, coffee and a book in the coffee shop.

Well into the series Damages. A great series. Just two more episodes to the end of season 1 – gripping stuff if somewhat convoluted. You stand no chance if you drop off.

The monsters at the UN strike again.

Human Rights Day at the UN: Election of Islamic Slave-holding Mauritania as VP of UN Human Rights Council. Slavery is still very much alive and legal in Mauritania. Modern-day slavery and the silence of black leadership in the country exposes these demagogues for what they really are: ghouls. UN Watch condemned today’s election of Mauritania, a country that allows 800,000 of its 3.5 Million citizens to live as slaves, as Vice-President of the UN Human Rights Council.

Wednesday – warm and sunny, despite the forecast of rain they got it wrong.

Leisurely morning. Coffee and papers around the pool. Then it’s the “W” word with a bit of programming work.

In the afternoon it’s yet another cultural overdose. A Broadway musical and a history lesson no less. 1776 all about declaration of Independence and separation of America from Great Britain – the failure of taxation without representation. We’d better just keep our gobs shut or we could be lynched.

Can’t believe I actually remained awake through a musical and even enjoyed it. Mind you fortunately there wasn’t too much singing. Really interesting how it all came about. Sadly a clause banning slavery was stricken out because the Carolina delegates objected and it was a compromise to get them to vote in favour. Then 90 odd years later it comes back to haunt them and they have a civil war.

Don’t you just love it when a so called Christian Church wishes everyone a “Happy Holiday” in the press. Come on you dhimmis , grow some balls, and remember who’s paying your wages.

Friday – hot 83F and sunny.

Have leisurely morning, even get a bit of programming done. Then have a walk around our estate. The whole place is built around a golf courses. As usual no one walks their all in their golf buggies. They even drive up to tee off. Spoils a good drive. Lazy. There’s a real opportunity for designing the ultimate golf cart that you den’t even need to get out of to play. Just lazy.

Sarasota really is a city of culture, wasted on us, but to show willing we attended the Sarasota Orchestra winter wonderland Christmas music. A full house of Sarasota ravers, Zimmer frame gridlock and duelling walking stick mayhem. Makes us feel quite young. Looks like shorts and trainers aren’t quite de rigueur and not even a pair of jeans in site. Are we still in the land of the free?

Now I’ve been studying what the conductor does to earn his corn, sadly only the guy playing the triangle and one of the violinists, who kept making gooey highs at him (wonder whats going on there), seemed to pay him any attention.

They’re still twittering on about that dam cartoon, (in case you missed it you can watch it here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YFogvC4_zgY) but now there’s a chance to make some money:

Two Muslim organizations and are demanding 782,000 euros in damages from the satirical weekly Charlie Hebdo for supposed incitement to racial hatred following the publication in September of cartoons inspired by the Innocence of Muslims film.

No doubt this attack on free speech will end up inciting more actual hatred of islam than the cartoons ever did.

Saturday – hot and sunny again.

After lunch we drive down to the Oscar Scherer State Park for a spot of bird watching and a pleasant walk down the river. Turns out to be almost a bucket list day as I spot the elusive, well at least for me, Pileated Woodpecker. I’m ecstatic, it is a very stunning bird. How lucky can you get. If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it. There were about 4 of them all told – see pictures.Lazy morning again. Book our cruise from Fort Lauderdale on the 30th down to Columbia and Panama canal. Sounds a really good itinerary and about £500 per person cheaper than in rip off Britain.

In the evening we try our free trial of Netflix. Not many worthwhile films but some good series. Start watching Damages – a cracking series.

Don’t you just love Christmas. The season of exploitation by the marketing Moguls. About the only time these days anyone uses the word “Christmas” there’s money involved. While the rest of the PC numpties are avoiding offending anybody by wishing “Happy Holidays”instead,  even here in this bastion of religion. Grow some balls and wish people “Merry Christmas”.

Yes here in the “land of the free” – despite having the highest incarceration rate of any country – you can even hire temporary storage for your Christmas presents according to a Christmas card left on my car windscreen. Sick – don’t you just hate Christmas cards that have been produced by the greed goblins in the marketing department. Exploitation aside its really nice to see some constants in the World in the form of the Salvation Army, tinkling their bells; wishing you a MERRY CHRISTMAS; collecting money for the needy. Restores your faith in human nature. Well worth stumping up for.

Sunday – hot and sunny.

Lazy morning sorting out changes to our itinerary due to the cruise; swapping Hertz car bookings; arranging hotels at Disney World. As an additional treat for Wendy we’re spending three nights at Disney. Anybody would think we’ve never been before, but hey ho here we go again. I’m sure the greeters will all be saying “good to see you again Mr Edwards”. Wendy’s excuse is that there’s a new Fantasy Land – yes that’s the one aimed at the tiny tots – of it’s a small world fame, I can here that song already getting on my nerves.

As usual Hertz are incredibly helpful. No cancellation fees and “no problem sir”. They even come out cheaper than their web site, pays to speak to them.

After lunch we drive down to Venice. A pleasant stroll along the pier and for the first time ever we actually get to see fishermen catching fish. Usually they just stand there staring into the sea and no signs of a fish. Then visit Venice beach. OK but nowhere near as nice as Siesta Key beach. Venice itself is a real sleepy hollow.

What all of these places seem to lack is a pleasant cafe / coffee shop. Amazing in the home of Starbucks.

Get back to the good news that not only has my Mac Air sold on eBay but the guys actually paid. 4th time lucky.

Then it’s a pleasant sit around the pool complete with Kindle.

Some more trivia for religious fruitcakes to get upset about:

Sweden’s newly appointed ambassador in Tehran has reportedly upset Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad – by crossing his legs during a meeting.

“Pointing the soles of the feet towards someone is impolite because the soles of the feet (shoe) are considered dirty, closest to the ground, closer to the devil and farther away from God. When in the presence of Muslims, be careful not to raise or cross your legs in such a way that the sole of the foot faces others in the room.”  Well worth knowing