Tony & Wendy's Travel Blog

 

Lazy morning then we drive down to Biltimore Village for lunch. Pleasant stroll around. Amazing isn’t it, this place was built to house the workers who built and ran the Biltimore estate. Now it’s a real up market tourist attraction and all the original houses have been turned into expensive boutiques and cafes. There’s preservation orders and strict controls on any new buildings fitting in.

We were going up to Mount Mitchell but by the time Wendy finishes dining it’s getting too late.

Have a stroll down to Tomahawk lake before dinner.

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Drive down to Greenville to pick up our Hertz mobile from the airport.

Wendy wants to pass on a walk around the park there, she’s not dressed for it. Fortunately she is dressed for the Mall. Not too bad at least there’s an Apple store. Still no Apple TV or big iPad.

Try to do the BMW factory tour over at Spartenberg, but it’s full

Wendy drives the Hertz mobile and follows me home.

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Time to clean up and pack up. Wendy does the house while I do the car.

What is it with leaf blowers? I’m sat in my rocking chair having a quiet afternoon cup of tea when all hell breaks loose. More noisy than them dam hells angels on their Harley’s. One of the locals obviously had a blower for his birthday and is out there blowing all the leaves off his lawn. But hey ho tomorrow the wind will come and spread them back again. It seems to be some sort of fetish over here, the local council even employ people to fight the wind. Hopefully Hynburn council don’t get wind of it – pardon the pun – or we’ll have a cast of thousands gainlessly employed in a similar exercise in futility.

Now my Uncle Horace would have loved all those leaves. He’d have collected them up and composted them down.

After lunch we have a stroll down into Black Mountain and visit the supermarket for one last time. As usual walking risks live and limb as pavements are not universally adopted over here.

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Up early, ready to set off.

Drive from Black Mountain, North Carolina to Charleston, West Virginia. Drive through 5 states – North Carolina, Tennessee, Virginia, Kentucky and West Virginia; avoid the Interstate, but good dual carriageway all the way; 350 miles; trees all the way. West Virginia’s a new state for us, hence the visit. We tried to find East Virginia but I think it disappeared like Atlantis!

A really pleasant drive. Seems we’re following multiple tourist trails, Danielle Boon trail; Music Trail; Hatfield McCoy trail. Call in at Pikeville for lunch and to visit the Hatfield McCoy site, it’s the only tourist attraction in this one lazy Turtle town and we can’t find it.

Hatfields and McCoys, two American Appalachian mountaineer families who, with their kinfolk and neighbours, engaged in a legendary feud that attracted nationwide attention in the 1880s and ’90s and prompted judicial and police actions, one of which drew an appeal up to the U.S. Supreme Court (1888).

The Hatfields were headed by William Anderson (“Devil Anse”) Hatfield (1839–1921), and the McCoys by Randolph (“Rand’l”) McCoy (1839?–1921), each of whom fathered 13 children (some sources claim 16 for McCoy). The families lived on opposite sides of a border stream, the Tug Fork—the McCoys in Pike county, Kentucky, and the Hatfields in Logan county (or Mingo county, formed from a portion of Logan county in 1895), West Virginia. Each had numerous kinfolk and allies in the respective counties in which they lived.

The origins of the feud are obscure. Some attribute it to hostilities formed during the American Civil War, in which the McCoys were Unionists and the Hatfields were Confederates, others to Rand’l McCoy’s belief that a Hatfield stole one of his hogs in 1878. However, although animosities had built up and occasional fights had broken out, the first major bloodletting did not occur until 1882, when Ellison Hatfield was mortally shot in a brawl with McCoys and, in revenge, the Hatfields kidnapped and executed three McCoy brothers—Tolbert, Phamer, and Randolph, Jr.

These murders sharpened the backwoods warfare, and thereafter Hatfields and McCoys repeatedly ambushed and killed one another.

After 6 hours on the road finally get to Charleston, WV. We’re booked in at a Sleep Inn. Very pleasant 2 room suite complete with full kitchen and breakfast for just $124.

Have dinner at the local “Family Restaurant” – Family = alcohol free. Great food but oh a beer would have gone down a treat.

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Drive out to Chimney Rock state park – see pictures. It’s at an altitude of 2,280 feet, about 499 steps – you’d have thought they could have added just 1 more. Of course being America there’s a lift. Unlike those youngsters who take the lift whenever possible, and then spend all their time earwigging on people conversations, we go for the steps – great exercise.

On top of that we do a few hundred extra steps and a hike out to the Hickory Nut Falls.

A great state park and yes worth the $11 entrance fee. Had an awesome afternoon. Plenty of exercise, especially for me gamy leg. Afterwards have a wander around Chimney Rock village and a well deserved coffee.

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Lazy day. Time to catch up on sorting out all the admin problems created by the weary of the World. Get a full refund from the ultimate wankers at Knowhow cloud as I report them to Natwest for fraud, then seek retribution via FSA, Data Protection and request for compensation. Pay dentist bill. Reply to those brigands at ParkingEye. Sort out home exchange in Alabama for end of our trip, that’s 6 home exchanges covering 12 weeks of our 14 week trip – saves a fortune. Order my foot stool and Wendy’s Coffee tables. I’m exhausted.

Time for some coffee, Kindle and rocking chair on the verandah.

Alan from downstairs takes us for a grand tour behind the scenes at Montreat and a tour of Black Mountain. It’s a lovely small town nestled in the mountains and trees of North Carolina.

Montreat is a small town in Buncombe County, North Carolina, United States. The population is 723. The town is best known for Montreat Conference Center, Montreat College, and for being the home of evangelist Billy Graham and his late wife Ruth Bell Graham.

Black Mountain is a town in Buncombe County, North Carolina, United States. The population is 7,848. The town is named for the old train stop at the Black Mountain Depot and is located at southern end of the Black Mountain range of the Blue Ridge Mountains in the Southern Appalachians. Originally the land was occupied by the Cherokee Indians but the “Trail of Tears” soon solved that problem – part of Americas bad past.

Then in the evening we go down for dinner with Alan and Shell and 3 dogs. Lovely home cooked meal, Southern style. Great food, great apple pie, great company and of course some wine.

As always we put the world to rights and share war stories about the multicultural invasion of our countries. They have exactly the same do gooder, multicultural, politically correct storm troopers selling their country down the loo as we do. Immigration and the rise of Islam are a common theme.

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What to do in Asheville in the rain. Go to the Folk Art Museum; goo to the Mall along with the rest of Asheville and every leader visitor; shop at Walmart for knitting wool.

The rain here even puts Blackburn to shame.

We’re having an evening of culture, out to the theatre. After an extreme overdose of retail therapy we go to the Barleycorn gastro pub. I get the pleasure of going into a pub, looking at a range of 30 different perverted beers, yet as nominated driver can’t drink. Is there some completion going on to see who can make beer out of the most horrific ingredients. How about a sweaty sock fruit and nut Lambric, would certainly not be out of place among this lot. I can’t drink but almost thankful.

Back to the meal. A great menu with some unusual items on it. Food is really tasty. The chef obviously has a flair for creating different flavoursome food. Well presented. Plenty of it, of course. Good service in an pleasant, fitting and unique atmosphere.

At this minuscule theatre, seats about 100 on school chairs, with all the fruit cakes. Extreme arty farty types; some of them dressed fit to be a jester; tattooed of course; men, well I don’t think they’re women, pierced wherever the eye can see and no doubt where it can’t; tree huggers; and of course just to confirm my inane prejudices they’re bound to be veggies.

Then one member of the audience, on the front row, is prancing around before everyone like an escapee from “Strictly Come Dancing”.

In waddles this jollux (blobby), complete with 14″ pizza take away and alcohol, lollups down, onto two chairs no less, on the front row of course and proceeds to stuff his face with pizza.

Just your typical American theatre evening. All that’s missing is a surprise appearance of John Wilkes Booth to add some sparkle and delight for the NRA.

You wouldn’t believe that we’d both had some serious training in not being judgemental.

Then we have the nightmare drive home in the dark. Have they never heard of cats eyes and what about some street lights.

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Drive down to the Biltimore estate. The largest private house in America, their equivalent of a stately home.

The grounds are big. Must be a 5 mile drive to the actual house. Now I guessed this place was going to be expensive but I needed resuscitation when I saw the price, $60, plus tax $4, plus if you want an audio tour gizmo thats an extra $10. And that’s each. But we go for it, how else will we ever manage to fritter away our kids inheritance.

Go to watch the short video. Oh it’s not playing. Ask one of the band of many attendants outside when does it start? Oh we’ve had a power cut it’s not playing. As I realise common sense and customer service are rarer than bacon butties in Iran, I point out that, “You know a sign at the entrance might not be a bad idea, there’s people been sat in there that long waiting they’ve died of starvation”.

At those prices you’d think they’d have no problem with you taking photos in the house. Oh no we’re told, by some rude arrogant facist attendant, it’s not polite to take photos in peoples home. Yes, and it’s dam right impolite to charge $64 to come in. But hey get used to the rip off.

Wander around at our own pace, hindered only by the occasional conglomeration of audio tour snails. At one point there’s a queue, created by the inevitable photo opportunity. But I thought photos weren’t allowed? Health and safety issue goes up the cry – always a good excuse, either that or data protection. It seems that when it comes to our health and safety, Baltimore’s wealth takes precedence. Dam the peasantry. We along with a few others jumps the queue to pass on the opportunity.

I suppose coming from England, with so many stately homes, we’re a bit blasé about these places. Bear in mind this ostentatious monument was built in the 1890’s but copied and furnished from centuries earlier. Just a blatant show of rampant ostentatious ugly wealth. Why did these people have no imagination or minds of their own? Who ever would want to live in all 175,000 square feet of such ancient ugly dark and gruesome interiors amazes me. If you woke up in some of those bedrooms you’d think you were having a nightmare. The awesome but horrific gargoyles on the outside were equally matched by the furnishing and decor inside. Enough to give a grown adult nightmares, never mind kids. There’s certainly no need for “Do Not Sit On Furniture” signs. It’s all so uncomfortable looking, certainly made for a “sit up straight” era, no comfortable slouching.

Glad we’ve seen it, we did enjoy it and overall an interesting place to visit, along with the grounds, but no way is it worth $60. Nor does the rampant greed stop there. Food and merchandising tat, including the inevitable “Upstairs Downstairs” memorabilia, is exorbitant. As a taster, a $1 energy bar is $3.95.

 

 

Go down to Asheville visitors centre and take the trolley bus guided tour around Asheville.

What a great tour it is and a good way to see Asheville. Drivers give a running commentary, full of all sorts of important facts and interesting trivia. I’m not a great fan of tipping but these guys certainly deserved one.

Hopped off at Pack Square for lunch, had a wander around but didn’t find anywhere suitable so it’s back on and up to the Grove Arcade. Wendy gets fed there. Then we have a very pleasant stroll around that district before finishing off the tour.

Asheville is lovely and what a great day we had. Interesting when you come to realise that Asheville came to fame around 1900 for it’s good mountain air, people thought it would cure Tuberculosis. Of course they were wrong but it didn’t stop them flocking here in their droves hoping for a cure. As a result Asheville is now a thriving tourist town, sans TB, but with some of the best medical facilities in the country.

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A lazy day. Sat on the balcony enjoying the sunshine and the views, with a coffee and a Kindle. Time to catch up on some reading, a biography of Mohamed (know thine enemy) and some words of wisdom from Pat Condell. Still struggling with “Gone with the Wind”. I suppose it must be the original Chic Lit book.

Eventually manage an exciting trip to the supermarket and the obligatory Starbucks to while away the hours.

Just love it. Me to manager “where’s the tinned fruit, please?” – yes It’s me in the supermarket. Manager “tanned fruit? Tanned?”, he looks that perplexed anyone would think he’d seen a ghost. I resort to the universal communications protocol and point to a shelf of tinned soup. “Oh you mean canned fruit!”. Me “no I mean tinned fruit”.

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Take a drive along the Blue Ridge Parkway, a 400 mile stretch of awesome road through the Blue Ridge Mountains. One of the prettiest drives in America especially at this time of year, but not one of the fastest, would have been quicker on the back of a 3 legged arthritic donkey.

Call off at Grandfather Mountain. Must be owned by the Vandervelts, of Biltimore estate greed, judging by the entry fees – $18 each. At least we finally get to see a Black Bear. Famous for having the only restaurant in America that’s run out of coffee. Actually more likely a case of acute idleitis, it was 30 minutes before closing time and the pimples 13 year old didn’t want to put another pot on.

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Turns out our house has two levels. Downstairs there’s yet another, similar sized place, where Alan and his wife live.

Have to take the tree hugger mobile back to Hertz. Good riddance.

I lead the way in our Saturn SUV – comes with the Home Exchange – and Wendy follows. Well she tries, but gets separated. Finally go and pick her up on a supermarket car park, typical. Then try and find a gas station. First one is totally out of action as the pumps are ALL being repaired. Use around me to try and find another. The next 3 are all abandoned. I can’t believe you can drive for over half an hour in America and not come across a gas station.

Leisurely afternoon watching the rain.

 

 

Another day of rain. Go for a walk into Black Mountain despite it. Quaint little town. Have a walk around and come across a German Deli and restaurant. Wendy has lunch, I have a coffee and salivate over all those awesome German beers. Original Hofbrau is among them. We’ll have to walk down here one evening for dinner, German food and quality beer.

In the evening we go with Alan – he lives downstairs – to a fish supper at an Anglican church South of Asheville. Alan has some tickets and has kindly invited us.

It’s a really modern church hall, with a warm welcome. Packed out. There’s a small band in the church playing Blue Glass and then it’s sit down for a superb fish supper. Generous portions of breaded fish and the desserts are awesome, such a massive choice of great home cooked desserts.

A unique experience and very enjoyable evening with good company. Everyone is so very hospitable and friendly. Meet some interesting people including a fellow potter. Great conversations with Alan. He’s ex US army and taught civil war history. Some very interesting conversations about the civil war.

Well we’ve finally finished prison break and survived. Almost compulsive viewing but too much bad luck, implauseability and more cliff hangers than Flash Gordon in the Saturday morning club at the Odeon. A mind numbing way of whiling away the hours, I feel disappointed I didn’t stop wasting my life on it.

Anyone got any sensible suggestions for a worthwhile Netflix series?

Try “Reign”. Supposedly an historical drama about Mary Queen of Scots. More like a light hearted comedy. A cross between “The Tudors”, “Holly Oaks” and “Barbie”. Full of giggling teenage girls, dolled up to their nipples and prancing around in extravagant 20th century dresses.

Also give “Person of Interest” a go. Now thats more like it. No story. No cliff hangers. You can nod off through a whole episode and no need to catch up.

 

 

Wendy’s been having these blue flashes in her left eye so we drive down to Asheville to have it checked out by an eye doctor.

She gets a through eye exam and turns out she got a partial or incomplete posterior vitreous detachment. Apparently very common in the over 60’s, yet another benefit of old age, still better than the alternative. Normally clears up after 6 weeks or so but there is a small chance it can cause a detached retina so we have to keep an eye on it – so to speak.

As is typical with American medicine you get friendly, professional and thorough examination. Careful explanation of the problem and prognosis along with written report and of course a DVD with detailed photos of the inside of your eyes.

Get back around lunch time and hunker down to avoid the rain.

That’s the thanks we get. Went to the church yesterday and for that we now get floods of biblical proportions.

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Hopefully the tail of hurricane Joaquin will pass and we’ll be back to reasonable weather after tomorrow.

 

Gamy leg major step forward. I can now do a yoga Tree pose on my gamy leg. Really useful. I suppose it may help me blend in with the trillion other trees around here if we encounter a bear.

The plan for the day is a stroll around Blue Ridge. Some lunch for Wendy then a trip out to Morganton Point and a walk by the lake. You’d think it’d be around the lake but alas that’ll wear me walking poles down to nothing, it’s over 100 miles around.

Have the stroll. Interesting how, even here in the land of the mighty greenback, the more religious emporiums sacrifice a good days takings. Lunch at Danielles was a real trial. Great food but OMG I think they must have sent to Paris (well there is a picture of the Eiffel tower on their sign) for the food judging by the length of time it took. After exploring everything on iPhone, even I got bored, it was a trip to the counter, a few choice sarcastic words. I just couldn’t resist, and then the food finally arrived. By which time Wendy was ready to chase and eat the tiny lizard, as severe malnutrition had set in. Oh and yes they may only work for tips, so my tip was, work for an organisation that has at least a minor sense of urgency.

As for the walk, no way, it was just too hot and humid.

A pleasant geriatrics sort of afternoon.

Sadly we’re getting a tad bored with this area. Lovely scenery but unless you’ve got a boat, or into serious walking, it lacks significant places to explore. After a while all these trees do start to get to you. No doubt in a few more weeks we’ll have the splendid autumnal colours.

Curmuring
Meaning: A low rumbling sound produced by the bowels.
Origin: 1880s
As in: Nothing worse than Wendy’s noisy curmuring whilst waiting for her lunch.

 

 

Decide on that drive out to Morgantown Point and a walk by the lake. Not really that impressive just a beach on the lake. Pass on the walk.

We decide to go to Fall Branch Falls. Come across a Pavement ends sign. A bit confusing as like most American roads there was no pavement, after all it is America and nobody walks anyway. What it really means is road ends and your on a dirt track from now on. After 10 miles of pretty good dirt track we follow the instructions to the Falls. Apparently they’re over the bridge and the parking lot is on the right. No it’s not, there’s no bridge and the parking lot is on the left. To add insult to stupidity there is a sign for the falls, but it’s well hidden up the path so you can’t see it from the road.

It must be a common feature of the Georgia’s tourist departments, they couldn’t organise a f..k in a brothel with a fist full of fifties. Poor directions; badly promoted; no one really gives a dam.

The falls are ok but really nothing to blog about.

Bit of a disappointing day.

Every time we go out the table cloth on the outside dining room table is turned back. Is it the wind? Doubt it, no wind around. Is it the squirrel? Is it a poltergeist? Is it a bear with OCD? I weighted the corner of the table cloth down to eliminate the wind. When we came back the other corner was turned back and some flowers were left in front of the door! Spooky and certainly not a quantum effect.

Monsterful
Meaning: Wonderful and extraordinary.
Origin: 1810s
As in: The Breaking Bad finale was every bit as monsterful as I’d hoped.

 

 

Drive up to Cleveland, Tennessee to pick up the Hertz Mobile.

Mr hertz has seen fit to offer me a choice of a Nissan, rather hire an arthritic donkey, or a tree hugger mobile (Toyota Prius). Made a big mistake and went for the Prius. A word of advice, don’t ever drive one – see rant below for reasons why not.

We were thinking we may have a wander around Cleveland but nothing to it, so settle for a Starbucks instead.

In the afternoon we, well Wendy mainly, cleans the house and packs, while I take the car to be washed and fuelled up. Collect a couple of Giant burgers from Sue’s a locals cafe that comes highly recommended. You can cut the local accent in there with a chain saw.

Resistentialism
Meaning: The seemingly malevolent behaviour displayed by inanimate objects.
Origin: 1940s
As in: That water bottle looks like it wants to kill me. It exhibits resistentialism.

 

 

After a pleasant 3 hour drive – spoilt only by that rickety tree hugger mobile – down the side of the Smoky Mountains, a few trees on the way, we’ve arrived at our next home exchange in Black Mountain just outside Asheville, North Carolina.

It’s a lovely and homely (for the avoidance of any doubt that word is the highest compliment we could pay to a home) brick built bungalow. Very spacious. Immediately feel at home here.

After 2 weeks in a log cabin in the wilds of Blue Ridge it’s quite refreshing to be somewhere closer to civilisation. At last I get some civilised Internet, rather than electrons being delivered on the back of an arthritic donkey that needs a rest every few minutes. The nerd in me just loves 38Mbps with a 20Ms ping.

Just sat on the rocking chair watching the birds. Now all I need is for a bear to come and pose for a picture on the lawn below. Then it’s off down to the supermarket so Wendy can get her weekly fix. I suppose I’ll have to suffer another Starbucks.

Don’t I just love the free wifi everywhere, even in a supermarket. But sadly by the time I’d read the 21 pages of small print weasel words it was time to go.

Fantastic news, even got me up from my Starbucks coffee. This supermarket sells Hofbrau Oktoberfest and a few other decent German lagers. Now that’s a thirst for America. I’m orgasmic. Then to top it all we have the ultimate in checkout service. They take the goods out of your basket for scanning and a packer packs them and then offers to take them to the car. What’s more no tipping allowed. I’m impressed. How neat is all that? So is it Tesco, Asda, Sainsbury, Waitrose, Aldi or Lidl? No it’s Ingles, they understand customer service.

After a pleasant day the heavens open up for a right good frog strangler. To top it off, despite being in the driest time of the year round here, we discover that there’s five days of rain forecast – OMG even Blackburn’s not that bad.

Quockerwodger
Meaning: A wooden puppet, controlled by strings.
Origin: 1850s
As in: The president has no real power, he is a mere quockerwodger.

 

Up early and out to the Amicalola Falls state park. The highest waterfalls East of the Mississippi – yet another biggest and best. The weathers perfect not to hot. Have a pleasant stroll around the falls, up and down the 175 steps. Then walk up to the lodge for coffee and some awesome views over a few more trees. Wendy passes on a very reasonably priced buffet lunch – too much to eat.

Stop at Burts farm. Pumpkins as far as the eye can see. Giant ones that need a wheel barrow – provided – to carry one.

Call in at one of the Orchard shops. Pass on pick your own fruit but try the fried apple and peach pies. They’re delicious, calorie and cholesterol specials, but deep fried Oreos are still the tops so far.

Yet again I’m in a place with dodgy Internet. The bane of my nerdy life. Isn’t it about time that the UN mounted an all out effort to make free and speedy Internet access universally available and a human right violation if it’s not. It’s up and down like a praying muslim. No BBC iPlayer, no Netflix, no Prison Break – fortunately only 13 episodes of interminable bad luck and subsequent cliff hangers to go before we escape it. We man up and survive the evening without resorting to watching American TV.

Don’t you just love the “law of unintended consequences”.

The vine Kudzu was introduced to the United States as an ornamental bush and an effortless and efficient shade producer at the Philadelphia Continental Exposition in 1876. In the 1930s and ’40s, it was rebranded as a way for farmers to stop soil erosion. Southern farmers were given about eight dollars an acre to sow topsoil with this invasive vine. Now the dam thing seems to be throttling Georgia.

Kudzu’s environmental and ecological damage results from acting through “interference competition”, meaning it outcompetes other species for a resource. Kudzu competes with native flora for light, and acts to block their access to this vital resource by growing over them and shading them with its leaves. Native plants may then die as a result.

Fascinating programme on Horizon about Quantum Evolution. Did you know that the robin navigates by quantum entangled electrons – incredible, or as Einstein said “spooky”.

Brabble
Meaning: To argue loudly about something inconsequential.
Origin: 1530s
As in: I can’t stand Question Time, it always descends into brabbling.

 

 

Rain all day so we knuckle down and have a lazy day in. For a laugh, to raise my blood pressure and to see how the crazies of the World are going on, I have a browse of the daily blood boiler. Yes it’s as crazy as ever out there.

Beef-witted
Meaning: Stupid, imbecilic.
Origin: 1590s
As in: Big Brother is a TV show for the terminally beef-witted.

 

 

Drive up to the Ocoee Whitewater Center, scene of the 1996 Olympic canoe slalom. Lovely setting and a pleasant walk around, but alas no white water, merely a dribble flowing down the course. Apparently they dam the water up and only release it on selected days to create a white water paradise. Today wasn’t one of those days.

Have a brief stop in McCaysville, Tennessee. Well we’ve not understood much for the past 3 weeks in Georgia, but by comparison the drawl in Tennessee makes Georgia seem like they’re all speaking the queens English. They might as well be speaking Serbo Croat. Places main claim to fame seems to be a Gun & Drug store, you can buy a superb automatic killing machine, along with a first aid kit and antibiotics to help the wounded. Only in America. Aside from more junk and antique shops than woodworm in a 16th century coffin, it’s other claim to fame is that it’s on the Georgia / Tennessee border and like a devoted, camera toting, Japanese tourist you can have your photo taken straggling two states. Wow!

Call at Mercier Orchards on the way back. Judging by the crowds, I can only assume they must be giving it all away free. They’re all there, queuing to throw their money away. It’s a jollux’s magnet and paradise. Every kind of fried pie you can imagine, but alas no fried Oreos. Instead of the normal 30% obesity rate in America, this place excels with at least a +60% obesity rate. You can’t move for waddling adipose tissue bellies slapping you around.

And finally to end the day, a quick nip in the supermarket – never a quickie with Wendy.

Well I quite like the idea of a packer in the supermarkets, saves me standing around with both hands in my pockets or picking my nose, in order to avoid packing. I only ever did the packing once and got treated like a 4 year old whose brain had dropped out on the pavement for putting the wrong things together in the wrong bag – seems like there’s some secret high order feminine fetish algorithm which dictates these things. But, I do find it somewhat insulting when they offer to push the trolley out for you. Yes, I’m hobbling on me walking poles, but we’re still mobile enough to push a trolley. Plus, being America, I’m sure they’ll expect a tip.

Fuzzle
Meaning: To make drunk, intoxicate.
Origin: 1910s
As in: It’s never a good idea to drive while fuzzled.

 

Yet another minor step forward with the gamy leg. I can now step into a car normally.

Drive down to Blue Ridge lake for a stroll along the lake. Then go down to the marina. Check out the price of kayak hire. “No we don’t hire kayaks”. Well can I rent a kayak, “Oh yes”. What have they done to the English language?

We have to put the bird feeders away each night, otherwise Ma bear will come onto the deck and eat it, wrecking the feeder in the process. Dustbins are kept in a locked box. The joys of mountain living.

I thought these log cabins would be horrendously expensive. Just seen a 3 bedroom, 3 bathroom, 2,500 square feet with decks etc, in the trees all for about £200k. What a bargain.

In the evening we go to a drive in movie, an all American experience dating back to the 1950’s. It’s one of the few drive ins left in Georgia. A really neat experience, very comfy, stereo sound via the FM radio. Really enjoyed it, especially the deep fried Oreos.

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Groak
Meaning: To silently watch someone while they are eating, hoping to be invited to join them.
Origin: Unknown
As in: It’s hard to enjoy your meal when the guy opposite is groaking you the whole time.

 
 

 

 

Well deserved lazy day, enjoying the log cabin, birds and surroundings.

In the afternoon Wendy gets her supermarket fix, I have to while away the time at Starbucks.

Here we are in the back of beyond. Down a dirt track. I don’t think the nearest neighbours are even aware that the civil war is over. There are more bears than cars and yet the road here has 5 sleeping policemen / speed bumps to slow you down. Now like most things American these speed bumps are whoppers, you get whiplash going over them even at a snails pace. Why do they need them?

Well done Kurt on passing your driving test in a manual / stick shift.

What a pity these manual / stick shifts still exist. Who knows, perhaps one day the UK will come to it senses and go automatic. Yes, I know it’s “not macho to drive an automatic”; “it wastes petrol”, I really doubt it; “you’re not in control”; “it takes the fun out of driving”, what fun, have you every driven on our gridlocked roads lately; and other spurious reasons from the macho drivers motoring club. But hey the Worlds moved on, we got rid of the man with the red flag; we don’t need to advance and retard the spark anymore; the manual chokes finally choked to death; no need to double de-clutch with a sychronous gear box. Role on the driverless car I say. Just think how many deaths and accidents it will save.

Gorgonize
Meaning: To have a paralyzing or mesmerizing effect on someone.
Origin: Early 17th century
As in: Don’t look into his eyes. He’s so charismatic, you’ll be gorgonized.

 

 

Up early and out early – well 10:00 is early for us. Take a drive ????

Divert on our drive down to Dahlonega. Quaint little touristy town. Claims to be the first American Gold rush, occurred here in 1828. Like all these places the marketing departments scratched around for some claim to fame, but sadly North Carolina beat them by 29 years with the first American gold rush of 1799.

Drive back up to Blairesville for the farmer market. All 9 stalls of it.

Interesting drive. Very scenic and as the leaves turn to gold and red then it will be splendid. Slow windy roads and oh so many trees. We were on the road for 6 hours and most of that time driving.

Actually made me realise how well situated Belthorn is for significant tourist attractions. Within an hours drive we have so much diversity of scenery, history and places of interest. When you compare this with most of the places we’ve been to in America you start to appreciate what we have condensed into our small island. Having said that I’d still rather be over here.

Anyone remember, in the good old days, the phrase: “Whale the tar out of you.” Don’t you just love such evocative phrases even if they would strike dread in you.

Twattle
Meaning: To gossip, or talk idly.
Origin: 1600s
As in: I wish you’d quit twattling and get on with your work.

 

 

Another lazy day enjoying our surroundings. Pop out to the Amish store in the afternoon and the supermarket, but that’s about as tough as it gets for the day.

Cockalorum
Meaning: A little man with a high opinion of himself.
Origin: 1710s
As in: He’s a boastful shortarse. Total cockalorum.

 

Have to take the Hertz mobile back and to save a $75 one way charge we’re dropping it off back in Marietta, so it’s an 80 mile drive back down in our home exchangers car, with Wendy following in the Hertz mobile. Well I use the word following in a distant sense of the word.

On the way back we make the most of it and call off at few places.

Firstly we call into Jasper, the first mountain city – see pictures. With a name like Jasper we could hardly give it a miss. Pleasant little place. Very small town America, how it gets classified as a city is a real stretch of the imagination. Amazing though it has a court house. Does make you wonder about the crime rate in America, mind you America is reckoned to have the highest prison rate.

Wendy has lunch in the local cafe, heavily frequented by the local sheriffs. Heavily is a good choice as there’s a lot of them and some of them struggle to get through the door.

Try to find the Talking Rock. Wanted to know what it said? Perhaps it’s a Muslim rock and according to Sahih al-Bukhari, Volume 4, Book 56, Number 791 these rocks yell out ‘O Muslim! There is a Jew behind me; kill him!’

Turns out it’s merely a tiny hamlet (do they have them in “BIG” America). Must be really desperate for tourist attractions as it warrants signposting on the highway. Talking of which we stop off at a “Scenic Viewpoint”. About as scenic as looking down Audley Range at mosque opening time. Turns out to be a view down a dual carriageway to some hills with yet more trees. Well there’s one thing they’re not short of round here and that’s trees, but it seems that worthwhile tourist attractions are in shorter supply than bibles in an Iranian bookstore.

But we’re not daunted and make a foray into Ellijay. Another quaint little town that turns out to be the antique, well I call it tat and bric-a-brac, centre of America.

Steak for tea.

Hugger-mugger
Meaning: To act in a secretive manner.
Origin: 1530s
As in: I’m sick of all these sneaky types, creeping around and hugger-muggering the whole time.

 

 

Time for yet another lazy day after all this excitement. Chance to enjoy our log cabin in the wilderness.

Take a short stroll down to Whispering Lake. My it’s hot. The mere thought of walking in this heat makes you feel like you’re being water boarded by your own sweat.

Find the bird seed and feed the birds. By tea time we’re inundated. Everything from exotic humming birds through to your common or garden Cardinals. Not a boring sparrow in sight.

One of the real “benefits” of mountain living, slow Internet. Think the electrons must be getting here on the back of a Sloth. Brings back memories of the good old days, 64K modems and the lesser throttled modem mating call.

Trees, trees, trees as far as the eye can see. A tree huggers paradise, they’d have sore forearms before you can say “save a rainforest”.

Crapulous
Meaning: To feel ill because of excessive eating/drinking.
Origin: 1530s
As in: The morning after St. Patrick’s Day. I feel crapulous.

 

 

Off down to the Saturday market in Blue Rdige. All 4 stalls of it, two selling clothes, one selling rocking chairs and one giving away stray dogs. Have a pleasant stroll around this quaint tourist trap, full of cafes and typical shops selling loads of “stuff” that has no practical use other than to collect dust or contribute to landfill.

Call in and get a Muffaletta for me tea (A traditional style muffuletta sandwich consists of a muffuletta loaf split horizontally and covered with layers of marinated olive salad, mortadella, salami, mozzarella, ham, and provolone. The sandwich is sometimes heated to soften the provolone.)

Brings back fond memories of a double dipped Italian beef sandwich from Chicago. (A sandwich of thin slices of seasoned roast beef, dripping with meat juices, on a dense, long Italian-style roll. The bread itself is often dipped (or double-dipped) into the juices the meat is cooked in.) A cholesterol special. Sorry my gastric juices are making me digress.

Put bird food out and we’re inundated with them. Watching all these colourful birds makes you think. Why are the males so colourful, surely it makes them more visible to predators. Well it turns out that the brighter the colours, especially yellow, corresponds to the healthier, therefore better partner males.

Also it would seem the more subdued colours of the female species, gives them better camouflage, helps them survive better when they’re nesting.

What are the black feathers for, then? Well, in many birds, these melanin patches are related to how aggressive males are and how willing they are to compete for territories or mates. The bigger the black patch, the better fighters they are. The black cap may tell other males: “Stay out of my territory!”

Don’t you just love evolution.

You know you’re in America when even the cats saunter slovenly and sloth like across the road in front of you. Surprised they don’t have a mobile phone strapped to them. I think this ones a confederate cat, judging by the flags flying in these backwoods. But do it again tomorrow and you’ll be converted to a Davy Crockett hat.

Light a fire in our outside lounge / dining room, brings back memories and makes you appreciate the modern convenience of a boiler and thermostat. Muffaletta for me tea by our open log fire, followed by a smores cooked, using traditional recipe ingredients (marshmelow, that disgusting Hersheys chocolate and honey Graham crackers), by my very own hands. Oh and a drop of red wine just to help the American wine industry.

Then a few more episodes of Prison Break. Up to season 4 now and it’s got a lot better, good job as we were ready to give up on its frustrating and improbable cliff hangers.

Jargogle
Meaning: To confuse, bamboozle.
Origin: 1690s
As in: I don’t get quantum theory. It utterly jargogles my brain.

 

Now I know it may not sound much to celebrate, and probably a tad to much information, but I can now put my underwear on standing up. For a cripple it’s another win. Slow progress on the gamy leg but the 1-2 hours a day of physio exercises is paying off. A clear target of 2nd February 2016 and those awesome mountains really helps motivate.

It seems like my Macbook has really missed me and is having a bit of a sulk as it has thrown out all my email accounts. I swear these Macs are catching that Microsoft virus, needing constant tender loving care, like some spoilt brat. Come on Apple get a grip.

Today we’re taking a breather, a lazy morning around Marietta square, sat enjoying a coffee by the fountain. Very mellow after 3 hectic days.

Overall a lazy day – isn’t every retirement day a lazy day. We were going for a walk around the battle fields but even skived out of that.

pettifog
Quibble about petty points. Practise legal deception or trickery.
“without lifetime careers to preserve, politicians would be free to debate rather than pettifog”

 

 

A tourist day as we drive into Atlanta to visit the Civil Rights Museum, CNN Centre and Coca-Cola Museum.

It seems the Civil Rights Museum has been hidden. SatNav gets us to the block, but can we find it. There’s signs for all the tourist attractions around the Olympic park but not this place. Finally find it, park up and then find it’s closed on Mondays despite the web site saying otherwise – see rant below.

Have a lovely stroll around the Olympic park. Very pleasant. Then explore some of downtown and just so happen to bump into a Starbucks.

Do the CNN tour. All very interesting. Have lunch in there, yet another Starbucks in their massive food hall.

Then do the inevitable Coca-Cola Museum. Have to say very interesting and well done. Takes us a good 2 hours but get a tad tired of all the marketing hype.

As we exit the Coca-Cola museum we just happen to trip across a Columbian marching band – see pictures – after all we are in America and they do love a good parade and band. Have an enjoyable half hour listening the music and watch the lithe and not so lithe bodies dancing.

Overall a very enjoyable day despite the best efforts of the nincompoops at the Civil Rights Museum.

Then we gird our loins for the drive home in the Atlantic rush hour. Just our luck the first three sets of traffic lights have been taken over by the Keystone cops. They obviously think they’re being useful but 15 minutes to go 2 blocks, that took a couple of minutes last week, would seem to indicate otherwise. As much use as a trap door in a canoe.

Perspicacious
having a ready insight into and understanding of things.
“it offers quite a few facts to the perspicacious reporter”

 

 

Well it’s tidy up and packing day. Wendy’s on a clean up binge. I’ve got the car to sort. They have this really neat home car wash service. Just pick up the phone and the guy comes and cleans the car. Just $15, not bad.

Still wading through Prison Break. This must the ultimate in cliffhanger series. After a whole season it starts to get a tad tedious, especially as season 3 seems a mirror image of season 1. Tempted to give up on it, but it’s easy watching. You can play on the computer or nod off to it without really missing anything.

verisimilitude
the appearance of being true or real.
“the detail gives the novel some verisimilitude”

 

 

Pick up Hertz mobile and we’re off up North to our next home exchange in Blue Ridge in the Chattahoochee National Forest, North Georgia. Thankfully only a 80 mile drive.

Arrived at our little log cabin in the wilderness up at Blue Ridge. A lot of Confederate flags flying around here, I wonder if they know the civil wars over? It’s another lovely home exchange (see pictures), 3 bedroom, 3 bathroom, jacuzzi and of course a giant all American barbi. Bears, and who knows what else, stalk the woods.

Nearly got arrested on arrival. There’s only 2 log cabins out here and instructions said ours was on the left. There we are furtively marauding around the closed down but remotely monitored home looking for a lock box. Turns out our cabin is on the right. Yes I can just imagine the call going into the Central Station (ALARM RECEIVING CENTREq for the purist) and a local security guard, armed to the teeth, being despatched with strict instructions to shoot first and ask questions later.

Wendy thinks she’s going to be dinner for the mossies, so I think Shes gone out to buy a burka made of mosquito netting judging by the length of time I’m sat in Starbucks waiting for her weekly shopping fix to end. A new supermarket chain, she’ll be happier than a woodpecker in a timber yard. Of course if men did the shopping there’d soon be an ergonomically optimised world standard for supermarket layout. Starbucks on the way in, wine and beer nearest the checkouts and fruit and vegetables at the back.

Slubberdegullion
Meaning: A slovenly, slobbering person.
Origin: 1650s
As in: Look at that sluberdegullion, sprawled on the sofa with his tongue lolling out.

 

 

Well better brush up on my diving skills and checklist ready for my dive. Love diving but unless you’re doing it regular you can easily forget the safety drills. And safety is paramount. After all there are old divers and there are bold divers but there are no old bold divers.

Visit to the Georgia Aquarium in Atlanta. One of the best Aquariums we’ve been to. Wendy’s paid for me to do a dive in the Aquarium with the “Gentle Giants” – three 30 foot long Whale Sharks, a few 15 wing span Mantra Rays, more Sting Rays than Talibans at a bible burning, more sharks and 1,000’s of cute and colourful fish of all colours and sizes. The second largest Tank in the world.

And the sting in the tale, so to speak, is the Sharks don’t bite, apparently and hopefully we’ll fed; the Mantra’s don’t have a sting / barb but the other Sting Rays do, but not a problem as long as you don’t stand on them, even though they can be well hidden in the sand.

What an awesome dive, up close and personal to all these. Great equipment, all organised, so easy and relaxing. The Mantra Rays are so inquisitive they come up close and personal, eye to eye just inches apart. They glide over your head and give you the closest haircut, in my case polish, you can imagine. A tad expensive, but worth it. Many thanks Wendy. She even got a personal escorted tour to view our dive.

One of the best dives ever. Better and more interaction with the fishies than Epcot.

The dive may only have been 30 feet deep but as usual my ears struggle to deal with the pressure. Needs a slow descent and after the dive I’m listening through cotton wool in an echo chamber.

Driving home through Atlanta is a nightmare, 8 lanes of mayhem, a frog strangling down pour and its that hot and humid that there’s steam coming off the wet road so it’s even more difficult to see.

Don’t you just love some of our old evocative words that are falling out of usage. Today I start with my favourite succulent sounding word of the day:

flum·mer·y
ˈfləmərē
noun
1.
empty compliments; nonsense.
“she hated the flummery of public relations”
2.
a sweet dish, typically made with beaten eggs, sugar, and flavorings.

 

 

Should I worry? I’ve just received an email offering to plan my funeral. Do they know something I don’t know? Is it for an actuary? Joy.

We’re off up north (100 miles) to the Chickamagua National Battlefield Park. One of the largest battlefields in America and a scene of some of the bloodiest battles of the civil war. There’s a 7 mile drive around the battlefields. All very well laid out. A great NP visitor centre with interesting exhibits and a neat film about the battles.

After that we drive up Lookout Mountain to Rock City. Some stunning views over 7 states and fascinating rock formations. A tad expensive admission fee, but we enjoyed it and despite loads of steps and hills a good workout for me.

We decide to stay overnight rather than drive back. After a complete online screw up on dates with Booking.com, they sort it out. Stay in the Clarion at Chattanooga. We stayed here a couple of years ago. We’re in Tennessee and the language is even more difficult to comprehend.

I know I’ve arrived home when I get a Taco Bell for me tea, Wendy settles for a Subway and I’m orgasmic when I see the hotel has a waffle machine for breakfast. Great American cuisine. Just love this country.

concatenate
kənˈkatɪneɪt/
verbformaltechnical
link (things) together in a chain or series.
“some words may be concatenated, such that certain sounds are omitted”
or my all time nerdy favourite
“Concatenated data sets”.

 

 

Waffles for breakfast. Proper food.

Drive into Chattanooga and take the free bus down town. Remember it when we get there. Have a wander around the river front area. This is where that dam bridge is I’ve been trying to remember.

Then finally visit the Chattanooga Choo Choo. Free to wander around very pleasant – see pictures.

Drive down to Tunnel Hill in time for the Civil War re-inactment of the battle of Tunnel Hill. There’s great atmospheres with period tents pitched, band playing confederate music and themed tents for sawbones etc. Lots of characters in period dress. Get to try some Birch Beer. Reckoned to be like Root Beer, fortunately it’s not. Root beer tastes like antiseptic, amazes me why it so popular and why anyone would want a Root beer float – antiseptic with ice cream floating on top – beggars belief.

The re-inactment is on for just over an hour. It’s awesome – see pictures. Not like me to say it but well worth the $10. Cannons shake your bones to the ground and the action is impressive. The majority of the visitors are clearly keen and proud Confederates and probably yearn for a return to the good old days. Everyones very friendly, I think a bit intrigued to have some Brits in their midst. After you get chance to talk to the re-inactors who give up so much of their time on these events. Very friendly and love answering your questions.

Awesome one of the best days yet.

Well we’ve been in Georgia 10 days now and can hardly understand a word they say. Now we’re in Tennessee and we understand not a jot. I kid you not, over breakfast one guy even told me he was going to “jump into the sausage and omelet cooking pot”. Obviously a Tennessee extreme sport similar to cliff diving.

Must say my spoken Southern drawl must be vastly improving. I only had to repeat my request for “$30 of petrol on pump 3” just 3 times. Talking of which petrol has now reached $1.92, that’s £1.25 a gallon – cheaper than bottled water.

Jollux
Noun – Slang phrase used in the late 18th century to describe a “fat person”.
“Oh, he’s a bit of a jollux, ha?”
“Just eating me waffle and in walks a flock of jollux. That sure castrated my appetite.”