Tony & Wendy's Travel Blog

Sunday – hot and sunny

Drive down to St Augustine the oldest town in America.

St. Augustine (Spanish: San Agustín) is a city in northeastern Florida. It is the oldest continuously occupied European-established settlement within the borders of the contiguous United States.

Saint Augustine was founded on September 8, 1565, by Spanish admiral and Florida’s first governor, Pedro Menéndez de Avilés. He named the settlement “San Agustín”, as his ships bearing settlers, troops, and supplies from Spain had first sighted land in Florida on August 28, 1565, the feast day of St. Augustine. The city served as the capital of Spanish Florida for over 200 years, and remained the capital of East Florida when the territory briefly changed hands between Spain and Britain. It was designated the capital of the Florida Territory until Tallahassee was made the capital in 1824. Since the late 19th century, St. Augustine’s distinct historical character has made the city a major tourist attraction. It is also the headquarters for the Florida National Guard.

Get to our sleep Inn hotel, dump our luggage. What a friendly, excellent and helpful reception we got. Then get picked up by a free shuttle bus to take us to the Old Town Trolley hop on and off tour. Tour is excellent. Have a brief shuffty around the old town and Wendy has lunch. The old town does not disappoint our expectations. A tad touristy but it looks very walkable, and rarely for a US town has a true old town historic district. Looking forward to exploring this on foot tomorrow.

Have a wander around the exterior of the old fort. Certainly not shelling out $20 to go in such a small fort.

Back on the trolley and then do the jail house tour. Like the trolley tour it was excellent. Jail life was pretty tough back in 1905. Perhaps we should learn from them.

For our evening meal – tea – we go to Salt Life Food Shack. It’s been very well advertised and is reckoned to be one of the best sea food places.

It seems to be staffed by pubescent 12 year old girls in a vain attempt emulate Hooters. I have 4 key indicators of a poor restaurant. 1st and most important, if they don’t know what the soup of the day is, then make a dash for the nearest exit. 2nd sticky tables are a sign to be weary. 3rd sticky or tatty menus another be weary indicator. 4th cutlery drying spots another be weary sign. Well this place managed 2 and 3 but regrettably we gave them the benefit of the doubt.

Our primary school pupil waitress looks as bored as a 12 year old made to sit through Shakespeare’s King Lear in Serbo Croat. As to the food it’s mediocre at best. The snow crabs legs are off an anorexic crab.

Disappointing.

Lap Topless – Day 3

Pretty good so far, just the annoying issue of cursor positioning with your fingers. Need to explore the advanced cursor positioning options.

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Monday – hot and sunny

 

Bloody awful nights sleep for me, or lack of it. That crab is high on the suspect list. End up feeling a tad rough all day.

Drive down to the trolley station. Free parking there. Catch the trolley down to the old town. Have a pleasant wander around.

Then drive down to the beach where we sit while Wendy has yet another luxury lunch. Drive down to the light house but are not prepared to spend $20 just to see a lighthouse and climb 200+ steps. For that sort of money I expect a lift.

Back to the trolley terminal. Do the old store tour and the history museum. All included in the trolley tour and quite interesting.

Then we’re off down to Panera Bread to pick up a couple of sandwiches for dinner.

Lap Topless – Day 4

iPad Pro is dead after being charged up all night. 2nd time this has happened. Starts up with a hard reset.

Get onto Apple support chat. Spend over an hour on the support chat line. End up updating iOS9. Ironically end up using my MacBook for iTunes. Leave it running whilst we’re out. Have to see tomorrow morning whether it fixes the problem.

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Doing ok on the iPad and really like the on screen key board. Blogpad Pro has some unfortunate habits of inserting unwanted HTML, makes it difficult to manage. That’s a Blogpad Pro software problem and not iPad.

Battery life seems very good.

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Tuesday – Warm and cloudy

Breakfast in the hotel was somewhat basic but the free entertainment made up for it. It seems the waffle mixture dispenser had broken yesterday but in candid camera fashion it seems that nobody had bothered to put a sign on it. Along comes a man about to demonstrate his prowess and potential candidate for Master Chef. Step 1 full cup with waffle mixture – hang on he’s going to drown in it as it inundates him. Waitress to the rescue to mop up. Step 2 pour into machine and rotate – he can’t rotate the machine. Step 3 pop waffle out onto plate – it’s stuck with areas of it still liquid, spends t he next 10 minutes scraping bits of waffle off the machine.

Drive over to Tallihassee, about 210 miles and 3 hours, check into hotel and then drive downtown. Try to find Visitors Centre, as usual very well hidden. Finally find it. By now Wendy’s ready to die of starvation. Finally find a restaraunt.

Visit the state capital building, usually a majestic building with an interesting free tour. This one breaks the mould. A 22 storey concrete monstrosity with a self guided tour. Panoramic viewing deck on the 22nd floor. First you have to crack the lift system. A real conundrum.  8 lifts; 5 of them only go to floor 6; 2 of them to floor 21; 1 of them to floor 22; press any button and it calls any one of the 8 lifts. Question what are the odds of getting the lift to floor 22. Answer 1 in 8, so you could be there all day waiting. Go into lifts for floor 21 and lo and behold there’s a sign instructing you to go to floor 21 and catch the only floor 22 lift. I suppose it would have been too difficult to put the sign outside the lift. Don’t you just love stupidity.

Mind you if you crack the lift system then at least floor 22 has free bagels, cakes and drinks from Panera Bread. Your reward.

Then wander down to the Florida History museum, yet another travesty of stupidity and lack of simple signs. Mind you it was a good museum and best of all free.

Well I don’t think we’ll be bothering with a bus tour around. Not exactly a great place to visit. A distinctly stupid lack of signage and confusion.

Given all the great places we’ve visited I suppose you have to accept the occasional poor choice. No wonder there’s no Apple Store.

Our hotel room has two new desk lamps with the cellophane wrapping on and a warning to remove it before using. I seek out the desk clerk and point this out as a potential fire risk. He tells me maintenance must have forgot to remove it. He’ll get maintenance to remove it tomorrow. I point out that I’d rather not wake up dead in my bed tomorrow morning, burnt to a crisp. My possible demise might not focus him but the possible lawsuit for gross negligence might. He finally agrees to remove ours. When I ask him what about any others, he shrugs and says they’ll probably let him know and he’ll get the cleaners to check. Hmm…..

For this, the lack of any semblance of sensible signage and the stupidest lift system ever encountered, I’ve decided that I’m awarding Tallihassee the 2015 Award Of Merit For The Stupidest City.

Lap Topless – Day 4

Done some research on the various swipe and keyboard shortcuts. Wow what a productivity increase, although to be fair most of this is available on any iPad or even iPhone, but well worth the research.

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Wednesday – Warm, cloudy, rain and threat of a typhoon
Breakfast has to be the most pathetic encountered on this trip. No orange juice, no fruit, cheap tea and coffee, no service, all uninspiring, all served in a sterile and unwelcoming room that has probably been modelled on a Guatanamo Bay interrogation suite.

In view of Tallihassee being so boring and suffering from endemic stupidity throughout, we give any thoughts of a city tour a miss and set off along the coast road to Panama City. Take the scenic coastal route.

Arrive early at Sleep Inn. Check in and then have a drive around.

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Panama City seems to be a Myrtle Beach on steroids. Glad we didn’t end up staying a whole week around here.

Subway for tea, one of my favourites.

Just love this word:

termagant – noun

1. 1. 
a harsh-tempered or overbearing woman.

2. 2. 
historical 
an imaginary deity of violent and turbulent character, often appearing in morality plays.

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Fitbit lady and I do the gym in the morning. Then after lunch we head up to Caw Caw nature reserve. To see some wild life and hopefully a few gators. What do we see, nothing but giant, dangly legged mosquitos big enough to feature in a scene from “The Birds”. 

After a few wine less days I weaken. A Blackstone Zinfandel is just too luscious to resist. You know it’s a good job we’re poor and tight fisted, so only buy the under $10 wines. If the more expensive wines are so much better then I’d be permanently leggless.

As we drive off the island we have to go through this gorgeous living oak lined tunnel with swamps on either side. When the suns out its a lovely drive. Very rural, not many house but we certainly know we’re in the Bible Belt. Why? Well 22 churches in 12 rural miles has to be a clear indication.

Well having lashed out on the ipad pro on the hope that it can replace my MacBook, it’s time to go lap topless, cold turkey, and use only an iPad for the next week. Will I survive?

Lap Topless – Day 1

Start off by commissioning the iPad. Process hangs due to Tunnel Bear, but once I’ve figured that is the cause and deleted it everything goes smooth. Leave it to play with itself over night and awake to a mirror image of Wendy’s pink iPad complete with +15,000 photos.

As apples screwed up on keyboard ordering I’m having to manage without a keyboard so this is a really good test.

Initial problem is creating a PDFs from an email, something I do a lot to create an itinerary on our travels. A £5 app solves that problem – wow I’ve never spent that much on an app.

Find it impossible to download pictures from my camera so will eventually need a £20 SD card reader, if this is to do the job.

Finish my blog off on iPad. Pretty fast but cursor positioning and cut, copy and paste requires some sharp fingered dexterity. Just about survive without resorting back to MacBook. On screen keyboard seems ok.

Time to re-install Tunnel bear to see how it copes with the dreaded BBC iPlayer and Apple TV.

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Time to clean up and get packed ready for our next adventure, a 5 day road trip around the Florida Pan Handle.

Wendy wants me from under her feet while she cleans. I’m devastated so commiserate by going to the gym.

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Lap Topless – Day 2

Nearly forgot my Topless fast and picked up the MacBook, but remembered as I went to open the lid.

Really like the bigger, on screen keyboard. Helps for those of us who are not prepared to sharpen their fingers every day. Find I’m noticing the pop up words even more. Need to utilise these even more, but what I really need to use is the dictation facilities. I’ve never been really comfortable just dictating, my secretary had a real easy life with me. The voice recognition software is pretty good these days.

Also started to be more aware of Apps. Perhaps a few small investments can really help with the Topless transition.

I’ve been looking for a decent WYSIWYG blogging tool for years. Currently I do it all in HTML. It’s the nerd in me, and the lack of a good tool, but have just come across Blog Pro. May give it a £5.99 try.

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Drive up to Charleston airport to pick the hertz mobile up and drop off the tank for John, who’s flying in later today. Then it’s off down to Jacksonville, Florida – our 8th state on this trip. About 220 miles, 4 hours, interstate most of the way.

Get to our Comfort suite near Jackson airport and plan our next day in Jacksonville  Well try to, but there doesn’t seem owt worth doing. Not even a city tour. Never mind we’ll drive down to our next stop, St Augustine, and have some extra time exploring that.

Hotels very comfy and includes a suite with settee, a free points night.

Buy your car from a vending machine:

Neat. No arrogant sleazy salesman. No haggling on price. No running off to ask his dad on price. 

Save $2,000. The ultimate in disruptive technology.

Tried to walk to the restaurant tonight. It was just across the road, but without much luck. No way to cross those 6 lanes without either a jet pack or a pair of Wings.

Chicken & sausage gumbo followed by shrimp & grits. Well I think having finally tried grits, wandering around with a cup of coffee in my hand and driving the 200 yards to the restaurant rather than walking  must finally qualify me for a green card. Wendy has the meatloaf. Two brick sized meatloafs, big enough to act as door stops.

Lap Topless – Day 3

Surviving pretty well on the iPad and so far have not lost the will to live. Although finding Blog Pro a challenge with formatting, cut and paste, positioning etc. I suspect a lot of this may be due to me using my HTML template mixed with WYSIWYG entry. When I start the next post I think I’ll go for generating a template using only Blog Pro with no raw HTML or CSS styling.

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Then after all that frustration it’s off to the supermarket / Starbucks for the excitement of the weekly shop.

Wow it’s quite cold. Well only 60F but after all the heat we’ve had it now feels colder than a witch’s titty in a brass bra doin’ push-ups in the snow. Dread to think how Belthorn’s going to feeling when we get back.

Finally a trip to the gym, including the Fitbit lady, who now has the bit between her teeth and wants to get those step counts up. I can see it costing a gym membership when we get home.

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A real frog strangler overnight. We wake up to a flooded marsh and flash flood warnings are in operation. It’s forecast rain all day. Rather than hunker down we decide to take a short drive the Charleston Tea Plantation. They do a free (always a good word) factory tour and it’ll be indoors.

As we drive off Seabrook Island we begin to wonder whether we’ll make it as the only access road is severely flooded from the overnight rain. It seems that the recent hurricane has so soaked the ground that subsequent rains just overload the grounds ability to absorb anymore. Apparently the hurricane wasn’t so much the problem as the 1,000 year rain that came with it. Yes another weather superlative, the worts rains in a 1,000 years – perhaps the FSM can explain how they know that far back.

Anyway we make it to the plantation. Take the tour, sample some teas and of course at the end of the tour there’s the merchandising opportunity. I was surprised that tea was grown down here. Apparently the only tea plantation in America.

Home to The Charleston Tea Plantation, Wadmalaw provides the perfect environment for propagating tea. With its sandy soils, sub-tropical climate and average rainfall of 52 inches per year, Wadmalaw possess idyllic conditions for the Camellia Sinensis plant. This plant is currently used to produce both black and green teas and exists in over 320 varieties on the 127 acre grounds of the Charleston Tea Plantation.

Then it’s back home for afternoon coffee.

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Weathers back to normal, thank the FSM.

Up and out to the gym, with lady Fitbit. Not too early though.

Looking around the gym is somewhat disheartening. Average age must be 70. Then you realise this is your age group, we’re well on your way to the big 70. Mind you it’s so much better than the alternative – we’re the lucky ones. After all who wants to be dwelling for ever in the fire, drinking boiling water, whilst surrounded by jihadi dickheads swigging back rivers of wine, while copulating with 70 voluptuous breasted, black eyed, perpetual virgins.

After lunch we have a drive up to the Angel Oak. A 400 year old Living Oak tree, on crutches to stop it collapsing.

As with all attractions American there’s a merchandising opportunity, even if it is in a rickety wood shack that may collapse around our ears at any moment. In there though is a black (yes you can say that in America) lady making Sweetgrass Baskets. She just so happens to have a lovely Elephant Ears basket. Quite a big one and just like we’ve been looking for. It seems to my now tutored eye to be well made and after some haggling we agree on a price, heavily discounted for cash.

Then it’s off down to Folly Beach. Quite a nice little hamlet with a fishing pier and best of all free parking. Have a Starbucks at the hotel on the beach. All very relaxing as we watch the surfers and dolphins.

Pleasant end to another pleasant day.

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Set off down to Charleston. Do the Fort Sumter tour. Very pleasant, a leisurely 30 minute ride out by boat; one hour on the fort where you can listen to a ranger give a most passionate and interesting lecture on the fort; wander around at your leisure; a small museum; a small merchandising opportunity; a pleasant boat trip back.

Fort Sumter Where the American Civil War Began

Fort Sumter

Decades of growing strife between North and South erupted in civil war on April 12, 1861, when Confederate artillery opened fire on this Federal fort in Charleston Harbor. Fort Sumter surrendered 34 hours later. Union forces would try for nearly four years to take it back.

Then do a 90 minute bus tour of Charleston. All very interesting and elegant but our tour guide has the most mono-tonal drawl we’ve ever encountered. We have to keep pinching one another to stay awake. The complete opposite of the passionate talk given by the ranger.

Catch the trolley down to the Apple store for a viewing of the new iPad Pro. Wow it’s fast, reckoned to be faster than 90% of todays laptops. Great screen and keyboard (not that they have any) seems to work well. Awesome for viewing TV or movies. Do we keep up to date? Hopefully it’ll replace my need for the a Macbook, and thereby save me a fortune and all that extra kit to lug around. With the keyboard I think I can do away with my MacBook. Do we or don’t we? We do.

Followed by a well deserved Starbucks, a stroll back to the car and home.

Another full day. Another great day. An expensive day.

Can you believe it? According to Trip Advisor the number 3 attraction in Charlestone is a bridge. Is Charleston so bereft of attractions that a bridge rates so highly. I think not. I rate Trip advisor, use it to plan visits and write reviews, but come on it’s a bridge. You can walk over it and drive over it and it’s modern, but 2,048 reviews – I bet they’re all vegetarian train spotters. Blimey, people will be writing reviews on the 4th tree on the right in park. No ones written a review on the Apple Store – yet!

It seems our fate around here to always end up in the rush hour traffic going home. It’s particularly bad due to the bridges. If there’s a boat going through one of the draw bridges well you might as well get your sleeping bag out and kip down for the night.

“Can’t see them in the dark because they’re black” says Wendy. Pardon, you can’t say that. You’ll be banning off white people going out after sunset next. Ironically we have this discussion at dusk, whilst whiling away a few hours in traffic, and then driving home, late and dark, down an unlit road which is just a tunnel of living oaks, out pops a black man. I swear he was in brown – camouflage – and attempting to do jumping jacks in the middle of the road. Fortunately I miss him, but I’ll be back tomorrow night.

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Drive up to Savannah for a couple of days.

Straight to the visitors centre. Pick up a hop on and off trolley tour. One of the best tours ever. Great guide and such an awesome city. They’ve done a great job of keeping a historic quarter based around the old squares. Dates back to the 1700’s, so most Americans get orgasmic about it.

Savannah’s recorded history begins in 1733. That’s the year General James Oglethorpe and the 120 passengers of the good ship “Anne” landed on a bluff high along the Savannah River in February. Oglethorpe named the 13th and final American colony “Georgia” after England’s King George II.

Have a pleasant stroll down the river front, but a tad seedy compared to the rest. Finally find somewhere for Wendy to have lunch, which is no mean feat. It has to meet exacting criteria, portions not too big; a sandwich or a soup; no formal lunch; if they don’t know what the soup of the day is, a sure sign of a crap establishment; plenty of people eating there; not too dark, seedy or dirty; no high stools, we don’t want nose bleeds or vertigo. My criteria, thankfully, are somewhat simpler – do you serve coffee?

Then it’s back on the trolley for the rest of the tour and a walk around the Market.

Afternoon tea in Savannah outside Starbucks. Well Earl Grey for the Fitbit lady and a free Jamaica Blue Mountain for the nerd. Reputed to be the best coffee in the World, with the exception of Kopi luwakk or civet coffee that includes part-digested coffee cherries eaten and then crapped out by the Asian palm civet bird.

Lovely relaxing city and fortunately it’s overcast so not too hot and humid.

Stop in a Comfort Suite for the night. In the evening we go out for dinner, right next to our hotel.

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So why am in Cracker Barrel? Of course. It’s so obvious now you’ve pointed it out. I suppose my innate sense of modesty must have precluded my realising it. I’m just the perfect husband. Aren’t you so lucky being married to me?

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Wendy’s Fitbit lasted all of 1 day. Before giving up on her. Take it back to Target for a replacement. This time we go for the one without the Heart Rate monitor. She only choose that model for the colour but it seems the HR aspect has lots of problems.

Target being a French owned store ww were expecting typical French service, a rude sour faced shrug and gaelic dismissal, and fear that all their customer service personnel were sent to Paris for World Class rudeness training. But we have to quell our disparaging thoughts. Excellent service. No questions asked, money straight back on our card and with a smile and apology for the inconvenience.

Given such good service we buy the next model down from them as a replacement.

Then it’s back down to Savannah’s historic district. This time we’re going to walk the area. Visit most of the squares and see the World famous Forrest Gump site – sad isn’t it.

For the first time in years I have a formal lunch. Sat outside Leopolds famous ice-cream store, in the sun. Well it would be in the sun if it wasn’t for these dark shadows constantly causing a total eclipse. Is it a cloud, is it an eclipse, is it a dirigible? No its a perambulating giant heap of adipose tissue, a lummox, or better known as a blobby. This place is a lummox magnet, over 60% of the clientele must have escaped from the clinically obese hall of fame, and they’re queueing out to the door. Poor Wendy risks being crushed between belly and buttocks in that queue. And what did I have for my lunch? An excellent coconut ice cream – how’s that for living.

Then visit the Owen Thomas house and take the tour of the house and slave quarters. One of the best homes in the area. Built in 1819 by an English architect. Allegedly the first home in America to have running water, flush toilets and even a shower.

After 5 hours in the gruelling humidity and sun we head back home to Seabrook Island. Really enjoyed all of Savannah. Well worth the +2 hour drive.

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Off down to Mount Pleasant. Visit the Pier and park and have yet another lavish lunch.

Interesting talk from a black lady whose Sweetgrass Baskets are World famous and on display in the Smithsonian. Tells us about the history of these baskets. She shows us how it’s done and tells us how it has been passed down from her Grandma and through the family.

The Gullah tradition of creating coiled grass baskets is a craft that has been handed down from generation to generation. Instead of weaving the baskets, a needle made from a spoon handle, bone or nail is used to sew natural materials together. The most commonly used materials are sweetgrass, palmetto leaves, longleaf pine needles and a marsh grass called black rush.

“Fannah” or fanner baskets made this way were used to process rice on the plantations. A person would fan rice by tossing it in the air to separate the chaff from the hull. West Africans still use these large, round, shallow baskets when farming rice the old way.

Take a drive down the barrier islands of Mount Pleasant.

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Then have a drive down US17 to examine a few of the Sweetgrass Baskets. Try to find a reasonably priced and well made Elephant Ear basket. Not much luck.

Finally get to the Mall so Wendy can yet again immerse herself in Bath & Bodyworks. Only way to cope with that is a coffee in the illegitimate Starbucks in Barnes & Noble.

For me I end a good day with a short trip to the gym, followed by a rather excellent Red Zinfandel.

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Settled into our Home Exchange for the next two weeks here at Seabrook Island. It’s a lovely one bedroom condo looking out onto the marshes and river, complete with car – big SUV, we can live in it if need be – fly proof balcony, bikes and two kayaks. All mod cons (with the exception of a kettle – a rare piece of high tech in most American homes), very comfortable and we instantly feel at home. To top it all off it has 35Mbps Internet to calm the rants of a nerd constantly battling with technology and web sites that are about as effective as a screen door on a submarine.

Take the Hertz mobile back to the airport. Classic isn’t it, I’m in the tank and Wendy’s following. Get to the Hertz return and big sign “No Personal cars”. What they expect me to go and park up in the car park 2 miles away and Wendy to then walk to it after she’s dropped the car off. Get a friggin grip, this is America, land of the wobbling jollux, nobody but nobody walks. Who the hell pays their wages – yes it’s me the guy who keeps having the delusion he’s a customer.

Drive down to Charleston. What a lovely city. They have streets with shops in, how unusual. Not just homogenous multi- national chains either, but individual shops with some character. All very pleasant, but best of all they have an Apple store and it has a little black box with my name on it. I pre-ordered the Apple TV for in-store pick up, as usual all very efficient. Like a kid with a new toy to play with.

Surprisingly busy for a downtown on a Sunday. Oh so nice to see a vibrant downtown rather than a charity shop ghost town created via some giant plastic out of town mall.

My it is hot and oh so humid you could beat the water out of the air with a boat paddle. End up wetter than a water hogs backside. Summer here must be more humid and hotter than hell and half of Georgia.

Good visitors centre.

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Off for a bike ride around the Island.

We’ve got bikes with the home exchange and whilst not wanting to sound un appreciative they lack brakes and gears. To stop you have to back peddle. No gears is not an issue as the Islands very flat, but no brakes makes them a H&S nightmare. I suppose their only saving grace is that they have fewer parts to go wrong.

As usual Wendy whining like a two year old. “You never told me it was this far”. “Are we there yet”?

We finally get to the Beach House with my ears ringing from the whinging tirade, and the whining increases to a crescendo of vitriol when we find it’s closed for the season so no drinks. All my fault of course.

Wendy just about survives.

Have some lunch and then drive down to the Island shops – yes these are open. Have a wander around some pleasant but very expensive shops selling all the usual tat you need for up market Island living. Everything from Martini glasses to kayaks and Starbucks coffee to star fruits.

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It’s raining and in for the day so we hunker down.

Off to the gym at Seabrook Lakehouse. Membership comes free with our home exchange. Great gym and good sized indoor laps pool.

It’s good to know that female intellectual stimulation and high standards of literacy is ubiquitous in America, as evidenced by the lady on the walking machine, who was avidly reading some supermarket flyer full of special offer adverts.

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Set off down to Charleston. Catch the free trolley bus to riverfront. Have a walk back and after inspecting many prospects for lunch settle on Starbucks once again. See a lovely Elephant Ear Sweetgrass bowl, similar to the one in the condo, all for $250. Tempting, a tad pricey but they are rather magnificent and 80 hours work.

Then we drive down to Mount Pleasant for a look around. See some more Sweetgrass bowls.

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Wendy is now a Fitbit as I treat her to the Fitbit HR. I think she’s going to start training for a marathon.

Gym is open in the evening so I have a quick trip to the gym before me tea. Finish the day off with a drop of red.

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Start the days with a pleasant hours stroll along the beach. Then back home for coffee and daily dose of depression as I read the Thunderer – daily papers. Mind you could have been worse, I could have read the daily blood Boiler (Daily Mail), enough to make anybody read to slit their own throat with a blunt bread knife. Fortunately being 3,000 miles away does tend to ease the searing frustration at the daily stupidity of our politicians, and things are just as bad in the USA but at least it’s not my problem / country.

After lunch we toddle off down to Brookgreen Gardens. Gardens, massive sculpture park and small zoo, a geriatrics paradise. You really know you’re in your twilight years when you start going to places like this. Even more so when you enjoy them. Kids will be dusting off the Last Will & Testament, lining up nursing homes, bibs for dribbles, zimmer frames and hearing aides. Anyway interesting guided tour from a volunteer docent.

Oh forget to mention our welcoming image as we drove into South Carolina the other day. A giant billboard – “Drive Through Prayers”. Only on a Thursday though. Only in America. Well I suppose along with the 1st Amendment defying blue laws on alcohol retail therapy, it does help remind you that you are in the Bible belt, where the earth is only 6,000 years old, or thereabouts, and the Theory of Evolution is heresy for which you can probably be burnt on a KKK cross.

Mind you when you ponder it there are probably lots of other drive through opportunities, the land of the dollar is missing out on. How about drive through nail parlour, just stick your hands out; drive through chiropodist, just stick your feet out; drive through barbers, just stick your head out; drive through brothel, just stick …, no forget that one, a bit too silly even for the USA; drive through confessions; drive through divorce, just toss your spouse out; drive through psychiatrist. Enough.

Road runner versus rattle snake. Who wins?

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Up at the crack of sparrows to go for a guided Kayak tour with Chris and Jane of Gator Bait Tours, they get a honourable mention in despatches, especially as Jane was dressed as a unicorn – yes first name terms and they’ve even increased my blog following by 25%. Different part of the Waccamaw National Wildlife Refuge, Waccamaw river / swamp for this tour. Don’t see a great deal of wildlife, I think gators are scared witless of unicorns, but it’s just great being out there, so laid back and relaxing. Chris and Jane are great hosts and yet again it’s just the three of us. A great way to spend a couple of hours. They have an amazing passion for kayaking and the nature reserve, all the time they collect the detritus that the scrots of the World have just tossed aside.

Now if we had any sense from our politicians litter louts would have the punishment fit the crime. Here’s 4 giant skips, now tootle off and in your spare time fill them with litter. And best of all would be the fitting punishment for the chewing gum gobbers, yes they’d have to fill one skip – wouldn’t want to seem unreasonable or too harsh – with gum scrapped up off the pavements. Problem solved.

Really must get a kayak when we get back to the UK.

Wendy stays at the condo beavering away doing a tidy up and packing. Did offer help but, thankfully, she’d rather have me from under the feet. Whatever I’ve done to deserve that I obviously need to keep it up.

Apparently Wendy saw more wildlife up close and personal. A Red Tailed Hawk purchased on our balcony and started trying to wake the neighbourhood up. How neat is that. Sadly when Wendy tried to get a photograph it took umbrage and departed.

After lunch I venture down to the pool for some Kindle time. Don’t last long, too hot and really not my scene.

Before tea, well dinner as know in the posher households, we have a final stroll down the beach. It’s so much nicer when the tides out.

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Well it’s good by Myrtle Beach. Thankfully we were at Surfside Beach a tad more civilised. Just one visit down to the centre of Myrtle Beach was enough, a poor mans Blackpool. Goodbye fast food; goodbye beachwear shops; goodbye crazy golf that look like Himalayan paddy fields with their glow in the dark water; goodbye nail salons; goodbye seafood buffets and of course goodbye the inevitable amusement arcades.

Set off down to our next 2 week home exchange at Seabrook Island, just South of Charleston. Still in South Carolina, still in the Bible belt. At least the fear of a “Deliverance” encounter is receding.

Fortunately just a 2 hour drive. Soon get settled in and then it’s off to the local supermarket – almost a Wholefoods – and thankfully a Starbucks to while away the hours while Wendy checks every item and sell by date.

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Agincourt 600th Anniversary – Cry God for Harry, England and St George – I hope you’re all out having street parties to celebrate this victory over the French.

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As usual a lazy morning. After all it is Sunday.

Drive down to Huntington Beach State park. Have our lavish lunch. Followed by a stroll to the beach – much quite than Surfside. Then we have a walk across the causeway. Get to see the usual Herons and finally a couple of alligators.

When you look in all this marshland there doesn’t seem to be much wildlife, but on closer inspection of the mud it’s all teaming with life, especially the mini- crabs.

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Drive up to Wilmington in North Carolina.

Start off with a trolley tour. Well apart from the USS North Carolina, the main reason for our visit, Wilmington doesn’t have that much to offer. The trolley tour reveals a lot of lovely old house, most of them with plaques on to indicate their historical significance. Black plaque for over 75 years old and brown for over 100. Still has a lot of cobbled streets and a quaint old town with not real that much to offer. The river walk seems to be about the best of the old town.

One of the unique aspects of the trolley tour is our driver / guide. He really is some throwback to the 18th century, with a vocabulary fresh from the bowels of the full 18 volume Oxford English Dictionary. He even requests that we not talk during the tour – well that’s no hardship, since when do married couples talk. Although silencing our smart phones is going to be a tribulation that will have all 4 customers clutching for the silk edged bunking blanket.

A truly Verbose trolley tour with such verbal treats as “please allow me to direct your attention……”; “One would observe……”; “Preface this information…….” along with such juicy words as “edifice” and “facades”. Quite a character.

Oh and by the way I’m so grateful to the New Yorker who told me “I gave him a $5 tip”. Well bully for you, what has that got to do with the price of bread in Albania?

Do a tour of the battleship USS North Carolina that saw action in World War 2 and is now moored as a memorial to the heroes of WW2 in Wilmington, North Carolina. Really interesting self guided tour. So self guided that once you get below decks it’s a minor miracle if you ever find your way back out. “I’m sure we’ve been through here 3 times already!” Hidden behind the very next bulk head you expect to come across whole families of skeletons, a veritable below decks Donna party.

We finally make it to the surface and start to climb the external superstructure.

Scuttle but.

Overnight in yet another Comfort Suite. Get a king bedded suite, with sofa, desk, fridge and microwave. Including good wifi, now that’s rarer than a web site with no bugs, and free hot breakfast – yeah waffle machine here I come. All for $90 – £60.

Now this is a first for a hotel. After 10 minutes in our room we gat a call from reception to check whether everything is ok with our room. What cracking good customer service. I’m truly impressed.

Find a great American diner for dinner, they serve the best Reuben’s I’ve ever had:

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Hot hotel breakfast and lazy morning. Nothing else really much to do so we set off back to Myrtle Beach.

Lashed out on an audio book to try whilst we’re driving these long, long roads. Chose Tom Sharpe’s “The Gropes”.

Call in at Piggly Wiggly – a rather unfortunate name for a supermarket – but this one in the Market Commons is very up market. Almost mistake it for a Wholefoods. Wendy gets very excited about it.

Just watched a programme on the Klu Klux Klan. They believe auschwitz was a summer camp for the Jews, with swimming pools and coffee shops. Grand dragon of the KKK believe White people went to Africa, mated with gorillas and produced black people.

They’re the ISIS of the American Christian World. A sad bunch of racist morons but protected by the first amendments, freedom of speech. Much as you may hate their vile philosophy you have to worry how we in the UK are loosing our freedom of speech rights.

They have some awesomely stupid titles. Grand Dragon; Klabee – treasurers; Klavern – local organization; Imperial
Kligrapp – secretary; Imperial Kludd – chaplain. Then best of all they have the Kloran – ritual book.

Ridiculous and dangerous. The real worry is that the way Islam and associated terrorism is going this sort of madness could take root in the UK.

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Sat after breakfast watching the torrential rain. Another real frog strangler.

After lunch we have a drive up to Conway, a small town on the unpronounceable river. Call in at a giant Mall on the way.

Have a coffee at the River Town Roasters on Main. Coffee shop, served by a lady with a passion for her job as a barista. A work of art as she prepares my Dirty Chai, with a money where her mouth is guarantee. “If you don’t like it you don’t pay for it.”

Conway has to be the friendliest town in America. Everyone we meet is so friendly. In the coffee shop a guy from the Chamber of Commerce gets chatting to us and phones into the his office to ask them to get a goody bag ready for Wendy. He insists we call in for it.

Have a walk along the river. Quaint little small town America with pleasant river walk, friendly people and a coffee shop run by a barista with a passion for coffee.

Wendy’s orgasmic with her goody bag from the Conway Chamber of Commerce. She just loves freebies like this. Any way her goody bag contains 2 Shopping bag; calendar; notepad; 5 fridge magnets; letter opener; 4 note padsHand sanitiser; first aid kit; 2 tee shirts; mouse pad; 3 drink coolers; 3 cups; pill box; plastic wallet; fan; sample face cream; sample perfume; 3 pencils; 8 pens.

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Another lazy day starts off with an early, well 11:00 is early for us, stroll down the beach.

This beach is lovely, but certainly no South of France topless beach, thank god. There’s that many Walrus’s, if they were topless it would have you fleeing to the nearest monastery and begging for admission for the rest of your days. It really is enough to put you off sex, food, and even wine, for life.

After lunch we actually go down to the beach and sit and read for an hour. May not sound that impressive but we’re not really beach, sand and sea people. First time in 2 years. I can’t believe how many jollux’s there are, must be a mega weight watchers convention.

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Let’s go down to Myrtle Beach. It turns out we’re at Surfside beach. Well thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster we’re not at Myrtle beach – it’s like a poor imitation of Blackpool. Not a whiff of a Starbucks.

It’s too hot to be walking.

Park up, have a hours walk around the boardwalk looking for somewhere for Wendy to have lunch. Give up. Drive down to an area called the Commons. Now this is more like it. No tat; no big wheel; no greasy spoon bars and grills; no amusements; no beach, but who gives a dam. It’s a bit like the up market Disney villages, obviously where all your YUPPIES live. It’s Starbucks land. Even have a shop selling Apple Macs etc.

Lights out for caravaners. We’re confused! From our balcony we overlook this massive beachside caravan pretty full of motor homes, each one BIG enough to have an indoor bowling alley. Yet as soon as it goes dark not a single light can be seen from any of them. Now it’s certainly not through lack of power, these mobile gin palaces have every modern convenience you could conceive of, ranging from air conditioning, electric golf carts to save them from having to walk anywhere, through to power assisted chairs and vibrating beds.

What’s going on after dark? Are they all under the bed covers copulating away like rabbits, I very much doubt it, most of these need one of those under car bomb detection mirrors to even get a glimpse of their genitalia beneath that mountain of adipose tissue they refer to as a belly. Are they afraid of being bombed by ISIS and have air raid wardens checking no lights showing? Do they all belong to some obscure religious sect who believes in being in bed by sunset? Are they all out somewhere partying and wife swapping as soon as it gets dark? Are they all that exhausted from their exertions of sun bathing all day that they’re asleep?

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I’m up at the crack of dawn and off out to go Kayaking in the Cypress Tupelo Swamp / Waccamaw river. Even have to get my own breakfast – what is the World coming to.

Have a great 2 hour kayak tour with Chris and Jane. It’s a group tour, but I’m the only one on it so get the personal treatment. See plenty of birds, including my old friend the Pileated Woodpecker, along with water snakes and turtles, but alas no gators. It’s awesome being out soon the water such great scenery and we’re the only ones out there. When I get back home I really must look into getting a kayak, it’s great fun and so relaxing.

For the afternoon we drive down to George town and have a pleasant stroll along the historic – probably means it’s all of 10 years old – harbour district.

Finally come across a Starbucks on the way back. Not just any Starbucks but one with a Clover machine and the bank account draining reserve coffees. Try a Jamaica Blue Mountain – a guaranteed way to fritter away the kids inheritance. Reckoned to be the best coffee in the World.

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Up and out to do the trolley tour around Virginia. Not one of your usual hop on and off tours but the guide narrates some interesting tales of the city and it’s a great way to see it.

Then drive down to Virginia Beach. Our Comfort Suites is supposedly at Virginia beach but is about 10 miles away. Must be some marketing departments magical slight of hand that it has a Virginia beach address.

Apparently our King Bed Suite has been over booked so they apologise and try to put us in a a two Queens suite. I of course kick off. “There’s no excuse for overbooking these days other than corporate greed. Move some one else. I’m not accepting it. Is this how you treat Gold Elite members. What are you going to do about it?”. We get a free nights stay and I accept the twin queens. To be honest I was not even that bothered. It was just the principle of it. If they’d said there’d been a problem and offered a $10 discount up front then I’d have been happy. Turns out to be a nice two room suite.

Drive down to Virginia Beach for dinner. Just like Blackpool without the fun fair and tower, except that there were no “Kiss Me Quick” hats or drunken herds marauding the sidewalks. We pass on dinner in one of the greasy spoon joints down there and resort to a sub (sandwich) from JJ’s near our hotel. A typical over stuffed american sandwich, so much meat that every time you take a bite a pile of meat shoots out somewhere else, like a 42″ DD smothered in oils between two slices of bread. At least Subway know how to make a sandwich that doesn’t try to ejaculate with every bite.

Not impressed with Virginia beach so at least we can have an early start in the morning down to the Outer Banks.

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Drive from Virginia Beach to the Outer Banks. Finally find the Wright Brothers National Memorial at Kitty Hawk, no thanks to the map drawn by a 2 year old with the common sense of a politician and a rampant labelling machine.

Part of my pilgrimage to this awesome birth place. I don’t understand why, but it just seems such an awesome historical moment not to miss.

852 feet, 59 seconds may not seem much but on December 17th 1903 it marks the first powered flight. A giant leap forward for mankind. The birth place of aviation. Can you imagine what life would be like without the ability to fly?

Not only did they build the plane; they built a petrol engine to power it; they even developed a wind tunnel to refine the wing shape. To be fair though it seems that George Cayley was the original father of aerodynamics. His 1804 glider incorporated most design elements of a modern aeroplane, but then who’s ever heard of him – not even a pub quiz fanatic.

We then visit Manteo on Roanoke Island, a charming little town by the sea. Stop for Wendy’s lunch and an Amaretto coffee at a comfy little coffee shop.

Roanoke Island has been known in European-American history for its significance as the site of Sir Walter Raleigh’s establishing of an English settlement with his Roanoke Colony in 1585 and 1587. As the fate of the final group of colonists has never been determined, myths have developed about them. Stories about the “Lost Colony” have circulated for more than 400 years. In the 21st century, as archaeologists, historians and scientists continue to work to resolve the mystery, visitors come to see the second-longest-running outdoor theatre production in America: “The Lost Colony.”

Drive down to Pea Island nature reserve. Don’t really get to see much nature, apparently just missed two Bald Eagles. Visit one of the many light houses.

It’s a really lovely area by the sea and we’re tempted to stay for a second day.

Overnight at a Comfort Inn at a little place called Nags Head. Well in American style not really so little as for such a small population it sprawls like a Gulf Coast oil slick, over 15 miles long and straggly. Lovely little town on the outer banks. Not quite figured out the source of its name. Perhaps it was named by a keen horse race fan or even by some one married to a gobby trollop who needed fitting with a scolds bridle. Walter Raleigh landed in nearby Roanoke Island, of list colony fame, so perhaps it was even named after his domineering wife, Elizabeth Throckmorton, no wonder he spent so much time at sea.

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Up early and off for a 330 mile drive down to our 4th home exchange in Myrtle Beach. After our experience of Virginia Beach we both have some trepidations that it will be another American style Blackpool.

6 hours, 330 miles and not even the whiff of an Interstate and we arrive at our home for the next two weeks. It seems to be well outside the central, high rise mess that we think is Virginia Beach. We’re in the trees by the see on a fairly big time share style gated resort. Our two bedroom condo is on the top floor (5th floor), with balcony and views out over the sea and the trees of an adjoining caravan site. In the distance we can see the high rises of Myrtle Beach. Best of all we seem to have good wifi and the ultimate enlightenment – no password.

Condo’s really brightly and tastefully decorated with Lighthouse and seaside theme. Only one minor downside, common to most American place, no kettle. Instantly feel at home here.

Get settled in with an afternoon tea and then do the weekly shop. Now most American supermarkets are pretty impressive, even by my “why am I here” standards, especially chains like Ingles with their awesome customer service. But alas not the local Food Lion. No Wifi; lousy choice of wine it seems everyone around here needs the giant magnums; as for beer forget it, American pickle water, not a decent German beer to be seen; and to add insult to injury not even a Starbucks to while away the day whilst Wendy savours the labels.

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Lazy day after all that travelling. Time to unpack, get settled in and get the washing done. Time to have a pleasant stroll along the beach. Time to plan our next 10 days here.

Most people on the beach have two things in common. Firstly they’re very sun tanned. Secondly they resemble a cross between the Michelin Man and the Pillsbury Dough Boy. A lot of them are fishing off the beach and yet no evidence of anyone catching a fish.

We’ve enjoyed our 6 days on the road. Seen a lot and visited many awesome places. I think we’ve got these road trips pretty well organised by now, but after living out of hotels, suitcase and great American junk food, it also nice to have a stable home to stay in with Welsh rarebit and simple meals. At least on road trips I get to avoid them pesky greens and vegetables. I suppose the ideal would be 10 days in a home and 4 days on the road, but so far we’ve not done so bad.

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Up and out for a day in Charleston, West Virginia.

Drive into the city. It’s the capitol of West Virginia. Doesn’t seem like a capitol or major city. Very laid back. Old classy looking homes in the middle of the city.

Start with a free tour of the gold domed capitol building. All very interesting but why do all these politicians need such palatial and expensive offices. What’s wrong with a few low cost portacabins.

Followed up with the West Virginia museum. A stunning exploration on West Virginia through the ages. One of the best museums we’ve visited and best of all it’s free.

Sadly the old capitol quarter of the city falling into neglect as all the trades going to the downtown mall. Not all that impressive apart from the Starbuck area. Comfortable seating and waterfall in the mall. Very impressive and pleasant.

Wendy has lunch in the old quarter. I get my usual liquid lunch of a coffee. Don’t I just love American coffee. Buy a coffee and get free top ups and they even offer you one to go. Now that’s amazing, sadly I’m not talking about those tax dodgers at Starbucks of course,

Pick up one of my all time American favourites the Italian Subway with lashings of Jalepenos for dinner.

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Up early and off down to Shenandoah as we leave West Virginia. As a state it’s famous for it’s coal and you can see why as you drive down the interstate and can see the coal seems on the side of the interstate. Lovely state of mountains and trees as far as the eye can see. Surprised to encounter two toll roads on the interstate, I suppose these along with parking charges everywhere in Charleston are essential to pay for the upkeep of the gold plated state Capitol.

Arrive at the Rockfish entrance to Shenandoah National Park at lunch time which gives us the whole afternoon to drive the 105 miles up to the top at Front Royal. A slow trip along the top of the Appalachian mountain range; some 75 pullouts; autumn colours are blooming; one of the most beautiful roads in America.

After a long day, 9 hours on the road, we finally arrive at our hotel in Woodstock. Yet another SleepInn. They really are great value for money. Clean, trendy, comfortable, good free breakfast, good wifi and best of all reasonably priced. Compared to the Quality and Comfort hotels in the Choice hotels chain they are the best. These days when I think of Quality Hotels the first word that springs to mind is “tired”, can be run down and tacky. I think SleepInn seems to be the up and coming brand within the Choice Hotels chain.

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Drive the bottom quarter of the Skyline Drive (North to South) and then head to Monticello, home of Thomas Jefferson. Glad we booked our house tour in advance as it’s the busiest weekend of the year. Tour of the house is really interesting. What an amazing character he was. What a giant of an intellect Thomas Jefferson was. Not only did he draft the American declaration of independence but was also president of the US, amongst just two of his many achievements. We could do with good old TJ to come and help with our Declaration of Independence from those control freaks in the EU.

Mind you quite a bit of his works were based on the English philosopher John Locke.

Drive down to Richmond for our next overnight at a Comfort Suite.

Tonight dinner is at a great all American diner, and unlike “family restaurants” – to be avoided, like Cracker Barrel – this place sells bottles purporting to contain beer.

Try the Rochester Garbage Plate

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Wendy needs to add this to one of my all time favourites.

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