Tony & Wendy's Travel Blog

Friday – Very hot and sunny.

Lazy morning. Afternoon we take a bike ride to the next village, Barroux. Alas there’s not even a bar or restaurant there to get a coffee. Too hot to be cycling.

In the evening we have a soiree on our patio with some fellow campers – Bob and Sue – and By the billy en meyt a superb bottle of Montage St Emilion. Sadly so superb I just had to drink it all in case it went off. Lovely to be able to sit out until 20:00.

Happy Bowl. Now what can they be? Can you credit it, they’re RV toilet bowl liners. But not just any old liners they’re also biodegradable. Designed in California and of course made in China. Goldfish for jam jars!

Why did Disneyland Paris experience some difficulties at the beginning? Because every night, after the fireworks, the French would surrender.

Why do the French say “to go to the toilets” whereas the Belgian (the French speaking ones) say “to go to the toilet”? Because in France, you need to try 4 or 5 to find a clean one.

After God created France, he thought it was the most beautiful country in the world. People were going to get jealous, so, to make things fair, he decided to create the French.

Who said it – “Question with boldness even the existence of a god; because, if there be one, he must more approve the homage of reason than that of blindfolded fear”? Answer Thomas Jefferson – August 10th 1787. Quite surprising how many of the founding Fathers would appear to be atheists or at best agnostic. They’d never get away with it in America today.

 More apologist explanations – Koran 5:33 informs us that “The punishment of those who wage war against Allah and His messenger and strive to make mischief in the land is only this, that they should be murdered or crucified or their hands and their feet should be cut off on opposite sides or they should be imprisoned; this shall be as a disgrace for them in this world, and in the hereafter they shall have a grievous chastisement.” Admittedly, this is hard verse to fathom; however, as is often the Prophet’s wont, he is not targeting body parts but engaging in graphic allegory to impress upon both believers and unbelievers the self-torture they will feel, smitten by their higher selves, should they curse the Almighty.

Pull the other leg it’s got bells on!

Saturday – hot, sun and clouds.

Looks, well feels, like I’ve pulled a muscle in me back lifting that superb bottle of St Emlion last night. Hobbling around like a 90 year old who’s lost his zimmer frame.

Lazy morning sorting WiFI. Finally cracked it. Set up my DLink DIR-505 Mobile companion as a hot spot and leave it on the table outside where we get good reception. Now get great reception inside the caravan and all my devices can link to it instead of needing 1 access per MAC address – Technology ain’t it wonderful

Just 30 days and counting to 40Mbps at home when BT install their new fibre broadband. Exciting stuff. Enough to make me want  to come home.

Just 9 days to the Apple launch event. 

After lunch we have a drive out to Moncontour. Do the “Sentier de Lavouir” – the path of the washers. Place is famous for its medieval equivalent of today Bendix washing machines. Stones by the river. Sadly nowhere open for coffee.

Call in at supermarket to relieve the French of a few more bottles of the superb Montage St Emilion – only E4.75. Followed by bread and cheese for dinner.

Watch the last of Dallas. That was a short season only 3 DVD’s and the ancient JR really does look like the devil incarnate. Oh well have to make a start on the Sopranos, I think there’s 27 DVD’s to go at.

More PC terminology

Failure – Replaced by Deferred Success. I just love this one.

Fairy – Homophobic. Replaced by Petite airborne humanoid which possesses magical powers. The term fairy should be avoided when discussing these mythical beings, regardless of how gay they may appear.

Fat – Replaced by Enlarged physical condition caused by a completely natural genetically-induced hormone imbalance. Of course, this is very difficult to say in one breath– so people will find it easier to not say it at all. The term “fat” is simply too short and to direct. It all too clearly points out that the reason that an obese person’s skin appears so swollen is because it is being buttressed by large amounts of… well… Fat.

Why would anyone want to go to a country that has it’s head up it’s arse and is controlled by Sharia law gifted to the World by the so called “Religion of Peace”?

Norwegian woman who reported being raped in Dubai is jailed for 16 months
Norwegian woman, 25, was in Dubai on a business trip
She was raped and reported the incident to the police
At the station, police took her passport and jailed her
She will now serve 16 months for illicit sex outside marriage

More apologist explanations – When Allah warns in Koran 3:56, with regard to those who reject the faith, “I will punish them with terrible agony,” the supreme Lord does not propose insupportable physical torment but, rather, the moral suffering that comes from the recognition of apostasy or denial, which can only strengthen the fibre of a mortified conscience.

Well I’ll go to foot of our stairs. How wrong can us Dhimmi’s be.

Sunday – hot, sunny and a tad windy which makes it very tolerable.

Lazy morning. Highlight of the day is taking the washing and rubbish out. Really nice to read a book; read the Times; do the crossword; plan our week ahead.

Don’t the bloody dimwits who create password access drive you nuts. Firstly they have the arrogance to dictate how long / complex it has to be and half the time it’s only protecting half of thrupence. Then they start adding inane security questions like “what was your favourite first ……….”. Don’t they realise that half the people accessing that site can’t even remember what they had for breakfast or even the name of their favourite TV programme yesterday, never mind a favourite from 50 years ago. Then you have the ultimate madness, from the behemoths of intellect at Apple, who need both a password and one piece of info from your registered credit card just to download a FREE app. 

So Britains done the democratic thing and had a vote on Syrian Intervention; now Obama’s waiting 9 days and then following suit; but fear not the French are still resolute. Someone’s told them they’ve found truffles in Syria.

How do the French kill themselves? They shoot 15 centimeters above their heads, right in their superiority complex 

What do you call someone who speaks 3 languages? -trilingual. What do you call someone who speaks 2 languages? -bilingual. What do you call someone who speaks 1 language? -French

 And yet more – In Bukhari 52:177, we read that “the Hour [of Resurrection] will not be established until you fight with the Jews.” This admonition obviously has nothing to do with anti-Semitism; the idea is to engage in playful sparring and amiable argumentation with Jews in order to reveal the high spirits, good humor and self-deprecating modesty of Islam, thus impressing the initially skeptical Jews with the genial nature and friendly feelings inherent in the faith.

I just love that “playful sparring”. Perhaps that’s how they’d describe 9/11. At least they’re not rambling on about rocks shouting out that there’s a Jew hiding behind it. Goldfish for Jam Jars.

Monday – hot and sunny.

Well the family from hell and all the rug rats have left Little Britain and now we’re being invaded by us silver surfers. Our next door neighbours cleary a bit ten punch shilling, he’s just started putting his Christmas Petite airborne humanoid lights up.

Then we have the extended family with every imaginable device, awning, gazebo etc. You name it they have it. Even down to an hilarious bike rack for 4 bikes. Why hilarious well if there’s only one bike at one end the whole thing, along with remaining bike, falls over – hilarious and what counts as entertainment here.

We take a short drive out to Moncontour and do the walk of the plants. Fairly pleasant riverside walk but alas nowhere to even have a coffee.

In the evening it’s drinks on our neighbours patio putting the World, well UK, to rights.

Just 8 days to Apple announcement and 28 days to Broadband sanity.

I was stood at the airport International Arrivals gate holding up my sign, when security approached and asked me to leave. “Why am I being singled out?” I asked, motioning to the other people waiting there. “Why? Because none of them has a sign saying ‘Fuck off back to your own country’. That’s why.”

More PC replacements:

Founding Fathers – Too Sexist. Instead, use the term The Founders. We wouldn’t want to exclude all those great female leaders of 18th century America would we? 

Garbage Man – Replaced by Sanitation Engineer – A Garbage Man picks up garbage. A Sanitation Engineer engineers it.

Ghetto – Replaced by Economically disadvantaged area. This term is used by politicians who believe money from the Government would solve their problems. (See : State-Socialism)

More crap defences – Koran 18:65-81 is often taken to condone honor killing, since what appears to be the senseless murder of a young man is only meant to spare his parents the trauma of his imminent misdeeds and to prepare the way for a successor. Of course, one knows that killing is frowned upon in Muslim culture, and this apparent killing of the young man is nothing but the symbolic correlate of expunging his “disobedience” and mischief-making and replacing his wayward sensibility with contrition and the promise of rehabilitation.

These guys should have been lawyers. They’d even have got Hitler off.

Someats up, there’s nothing much to complain about these days. How will I ever qualify for the 2013 Victor award. Well there is just one minor irritation with France, the other thousands are all major. Milk. Yes plain simple milk. How come you can only get that plastic tasting UHT sterilised crud. Proper milk, no chance. And yet we’re here in the land of milk lakes and butter mountains. Mini rant over.

Who said it? “….mainstream Britain which needs to integrate more with the British Asian way of life, not the other way around.” Answer in tomorrows blog. you’ll be amazed and disgusted. Well I was.

Tuesday – hot and sunny.

It seems that some sad soul has produced a list of when the markets around here are. Whoever the lame brain is he, or more likely a she, should be tarred and feathered and have a full Tesco and Lidl bag permanenetlyl hung around their necks. Have they no idea of the misery they have inflicted on us good natured males as we shuffle around yet another market, looking at the same stalls we saw only yesterday 20 miles away. As the EU are always looking for more regulation why don’t they ban such lists. 

Drive over to Bressure. Top down; Queen blaring out; time to get my own back on the noisy young scrots I keep complaining about.

How’s this for a disabled ramp? One way of cutting the healthcare bill.

Visit the weekly market – what there is of it. Two stalls with the usual black geezers selling belts and bags; a stall of every conceivable kitchen knife; and a Madame Defarge knitting stall. Wendy does her weekly shop, at least Lidl are open, more than can be said for the rest of the lazy tykes.

Another French town with every flag, including German, except the Union Jack. Ungrateful.

I don’t know why I’m surprised after all, France wouldn’t help us get the Germans out of France!

For those who think this retirement is easy just pause and consider the difficult choice we have to make daily. There’s a bottle of St Emillion in the wine locker crying out for my attention. Do I weaken or ignore its cries for attention and continue with the abstinence? Difficult choice but then I realise I’m watching Benefits Britain 1949, all about unemployment benefits, think I’d better have some wine to see me through it without dinting the caravan roof. Plus it’s bread and cheese night, so without wine it would be a sin.

You know French Bread and cheese is so good it’s enough to make an agnostic say grace.

Watched Benefit Britain 49 – thankfully a bottle of St Emillion helped me keep my normal calm and placid composure. The attitude of those two FECKLESS scrots just about epitomises the problems of todays welfare state. Just love that word feckless, just about sums them up. They have the brass balls say “It’s not worth me while going to work” and “I want to be a rapper, I don’t want any boring work or job I don’t like”. Gulag! 

At least in 1949 they did a great job of turning dependancy into independence. May have been harsh but that’s what we’ve lost.

Lets face it if you want to smoke or drink then get a job; if you want to have flat screens, xbox, laptops (Macs and iPad are excluded from this statement) then get a job; if you want a car then get a job; if you want a home rather than a hostel or barracks then get a job. I’d even go for if you want a vote then get a job – why should you have a say in society if you’re scrounging off it and not contributing to it.

Meanwhile I still think the answer is oh so simple. WORKFARE. That would have got the scroungers back to work or at least contributing and the genuine geezers would have no problem with it.
It just so infuriating.

“Islam is as dangerous in a man as rabies in a dog” etc was said by non other than Sir Winston Churchill. Very perceptive!

Muslims Defend the Koran 2:19 – speaking of infidels who do not accept the word of the Prophet, commands us to “kill them wherever you may find them.” Here we must be particularly alert, subtle and astute, for killing the unbelievers does not mean to slay them bodily, but to kill them with kindness, in other words, to shower the candy of life upon them, to reward them with prestigious appointments and lavish emoluments, to bow before them in the streets and welcome them into the homes of the devout, to address them with profound respect, to decorate them with titles and ply them with accolades—until, bedazzled by the nobility and magnanimity of Islam, they are ready to convert. 

What a lame brained defence, do they think us Dhimmis all studied at the Taliban Girls University of Democracy. UNBELIEVABLE!

 More Non PC words being replaced by the PC brigade.

Criminal – Replaced by behaviorally challenged. This is one change that makes sense. A lot of the people in prisons today are not really “criminals” in the classic sense. Thanks to the “War on Drugs”, there are a lot of people in jail because they failed to “behave” properly.

 Eastern (As when used when discussing Asian Culture) – Too Eurocentric. Instead, use Africa as your frame of reference. When discussing European culture you should now use the phase “Northern”, and when discussing Asia use the phrase “North-Eastern”. Now isn’t that better?

 Factory – Replaced by Plant. The word Factory is a place where mistreated labourers toil long hours to produce pollution that billows forth from gigantic smokestacks. The word Plant is preferred since it is more difficult for this term to carry a negative connotation since this term is also used to describe nature. Its counterpart noun describes plant life (Plants, as in flowers, shrubs, etc). And the Verb form, to plant, is the process of lovingly placing a seed in the ground so it may one day grow into a mighty oak. Who can complain about having a new plant in their backyard?

Wednesday – hot and sunny.

Once Wendy’s been down to the river to do the washing we have a bike ride to Generoux. Only 19 Kilometers (yes I’ve gone all European these days) but Wendy thinks it’s the end of the earth and expects a Duke of Edinburgh Gold Award. Coffee in the local restaurant, of course Johnny foreigners in there stuffing themselves up to their hairy armpits; followed by our lavish lunch of a pear, sat by the river; then it’s blackberry (no not the smartphone kind) picking on the way back. Enough free blackberries for my next 3 breakfasts.

Then it’s back for afternoon tea. Sadly no Assam, apparently the Frenchies don’t sell it, no wonder the countries pending disaster, but never mind they’ll have the lowest retirement age in Europe – yet another reason to exit the EU.

Apparently there is a name for the feeling of anxiety caused by separation from one’s smartphone. Nomophobia—literally, “no-mobile” phobia—is the fear of losing or being without a cell phone. Allegedy 66% of Smartphone owners suffer from it. I think it’s really Nointerphobia. But a recent survey (American of course) of Smartphone misuse reveals that 9% of Smartphone owners use them while having sex. What more could you ask for sex and Internet at the same time – a nerds delight.

So the clowns continue their biro rattling and are getting all righteous and uptight about chemical attacks in Syria. Yes, its awful but if we don’t have the facts and the UN can’t come to a decision (isn’tt that what they’re therefore) then lets just keep our do gooder, progressive, liberal noses out; our troops out; our money out and our aid out. Leave them to it. Haven’t we learnt enough from past meddling?

They’ll not thank us and ultimately be unleashing terrorist attacks on us using any weapons we provide.

So riddle me this. If the Koran is the unadulterated word of Allah, and therefore perfect, how come his words can be so easily confused? Aren’t all these so called Muslim scholars who are spending all their time interpreting the words of Allah therefore guilty of blasphemy? And what is the penalty for blasphemy? Problem solved.

Muslims Defend the Koran 8:12 – which reads: “I will cast terror into the hearts of those who disbelieve. Therefore strike off their heads and strike off every fingertip of them,” is not meant to be taken literally. The true meaning is: browbeat them tactfully and lightly slap their wrists if they persist in their folly and continue to rebuff your acts of philanthropic munificence. This is the Islamic version of tough love.

Thursday – hot and sunny.Sounds like it’s been written by someone with serious brain damage from a knock on the head, perhaps they were “stoned” at the time. LAUGHABLE! By the way I’m  alking about the defence statement, Allah forbid anyone should even hint that the Koran was written by someone with serious brain damage they’d really be throwing their toys out, rioting, killing and I’d have a Fatwas thingy issued against me faster than you can say “stone an infidel blasphemer”.

Sad news, the blackberries were tasteless – typical Johnny Foreigner produce.

Lazy morning then brief trip to local supermarket. 

After lunch a walk down to the local park. Too hot for anything energetic.

Two great new words that I’m going to torture to oblivion over the next few weeks.

Feckless – lacking initiative or strength of character; irresponsible. Best applied to scrots living off the welfare state.

Gander – a look or glance. But better meaning is to anger – get your gander up.

Q: What do you call a Frenchman advancing on Baghdad? A: A salesman. 

Q. What does a French military alliance and a French romance have in common?
A. Both are brief, sordid, and completely meaningless.

Q. Do you know why so many Europeans Immigrated to North America? A. To get as far away from the French as possible. 

Islamic clerics and tribal elders in Pakistan’s north-west Khyber Pakhtunkhwa province have barred women from shopping without a male relative.

And there was me all ready to convert to Islam, I’d already bought the black bin liner for Wendy. Sod that for an overdose of piety, imagine having to go to ASDA every week with her indoors.

How come all French supermarkets make you walk all the way to the right  to get in? Then if you want to leave without buying anything you have to walk to the same entrance and some French doxy, with hairy armpits and a look as if she chewed on a decomposed frog, lets you out through a naughty boys barrier. How dare you not buy something!

Things I hate about Apple. Macbook will pair via Bluetooth to an iPad but not to an iPhone. A deliberate ploy, I believe, on Apples behalf to encourage use of iCloud. So much for all there fine words and design philosophy this is an absolute disgrace and typical greed. I’d feed the person responsible to the Saturday afternoon lion feeding in my coliseum, probably some  MBA marketing   scrot. 

Who said it – “Question with boldness even the existence of a god; because, if there be one, he must more approve the homage of reason than that of blindfolded fear”? Answer in tomorrows blog.

Saturday – cool and cloudy.

Saunter into town to the DIY shop for some wood and then gets the highlight of the week with the Airvault market. All of 11 stalls – excitement.

Nearly get decapitated by the low flying road sign. Obviously not a problem to the short arsed French (sorry vertically challenged).

Lazy afternoon.

4 days of abstinence and I finally weaken to a St Emillion Grand Cru.

At last we settle down to watch our Dallas DVD. Where’s Mandy Winger?

Discrimination against Muslims is racism. Discrimination by Muslims against others is religion.

Question: What English word has no equivalent in the French language?
Answer: Gratitude

NEWS FLASH: The French Open tennis tournament had to be cancelled. France has plenty of rackets, but no balls. 

A man askes his companion, “What’s the most common French expression”? His friend scratches his head, shrugs his shoulders and replies, “I give up!”

I DON’T BELIEVE IT. Wind farms have received payments of £19 million not to generate 215 gigawatt hours — enough electricity to supply nearly 50,000 households for a year.

This is equivalent to three 30-megawatt wind farms, costing about £90 million to build, standing idle since the beginning of the year. 

The company blamed very windy weather over the summer for the large amount of potential electricity going to waste. Last weekend alone, £3.9 million was paid to wind farms not to generate.

And still we rush to build more subsidised (with our money) wind farms. Are’t you glad the clowns have a sensible energy policy. Pots for rags.

Sunday – rainy in the morning, hot and sunny afternoon and evening.

Great opportunity to character assassinate other campers.

The Copy Cat Couples – they do everything together. He cleans his car the other cleans his car, she messes with awning the other does, he cooks the other cooks, one parks the car at an angle the other mirrors it and they both ignore everyone else on the campsite in complete unison – totally wrapped up in their little world. It’s like watching synchronised swimming on land – hilarious! On the plus side Wendy says the men clean properly “not like you”.

The Walrus and Wimp – she sits on her big fat arse (how non PC can you get) and he rushes around after her fetching and carrying. Both seem to have a major problem with a simple good morning – sends them into a catatonic state of total ignorance. Then we have the occasional Walrus gropes, when he tries to get his arms around her.

Doggy People – disappear every day and leave their poor little dog alone to roast inside their caravan. Now left for home. I wonder whether the dogs left in the caravan ready for next year?

Mr T and Family – he’s built like a brick shit house. Happy family with two hyper kids (4 and 6 year old) who need constant stimulation. Is this really a holiday for them?

Try various wifi options and repeater mode to boost wifi signal etc but their networks having non of it.

Finish off my Grand Cru in the evening.

Treasured Phrases replaced by PC Tripe:

Broken Home – Replaced by Dysfunctional family.

Bum – Replaced by Homeless Person.Calling a person a “Bum” implies that the person is a moocher that is too lazy to get a job. Referring to him as a “Homeless Person” removes this stigma, and implies that he would be a perfectly normal citizen if only the government would give him a house. (See :State-Socialism)

Crazy – Replaced by the term Mental Illness. And, since it is an illness, it may be treated in the same manner as other diseases – with drugs. Of course, this idea is nothing new … people have been using drugs to treat depression for centuries.

 Oh fiddlesticks a study has shown that the antioxidant compound in red wine thought to confer health benefits appears to block the cardiovascular benefits of exercise. Hang on, I don’t do any exercise so not a problem.

One of the greatest sources of amusement in the 16th century Paris what’s Burning at the Midsummer is fair and impresario would gather dozens of cats in and that always them hi into the air from special stage and then to everyone’s delight lower the whole writing bundle onto a bonfire the assembled spectators shrieked with laughter as animals Harlingwood playing with Singlish 
roasted and finally carbonised

Cat burning was a form of zoosadistic entertainment in 17th century Paris, France. In this form of entertainment, people would gather dozens of cats in a net and hoist them high into the air from a special bundle onto a bonfire. The assembled people “shrieked with laughter as the animals, howling with pain, were singed, roasted, and finally carbonized.”

 The Catholic church revealed that following Pope Francis on Twitter can reduce the amount of time followers’ souls spend in purgatory. The church has restored the ancient tradition of “indulgences”, which reduce time spent in purgatory.

 A source from the Apostolic Penitentiary, a Vatican court that handles the forgiveness of sins, said: “You must be following the events live. It is not as if you can get an indulgence by chatting on the internet.” Pope Francis has more than 2.7m Twitter followers.

Monday – rainy day hunkered down.

The joys of French cheese. Sadly it’s not bread and cheese tonight but thankfully every time the fridge door is opened we get that fantastic aroma of French cheeses – joy.

Typical day:

1 Breakfast about 08:00

2 Coffee and the Times online. Crossword. Madame De Farge clicks aways with her knitting needles.

3 Coffee and French newspapers online – with interactive translation service to assist. More clicking from Wendy.

4 Yougurt of the downward facing dog kind along with some exercise. 

5 Coffee and Chicago University course on the Physics of Global Warming. More clicking from Wendy as she chunners away to me not realising I can’t hear a word.

6 Coffee and some French from my Michelle Thomas course. More knitting from Wendy, by now she’s given up talking.

7 Walk or bike ride or open top time (plays havoc with my hair).

8 Afternoon tea and some Kindle time.

9 17:00 alcohol. Well I try to resist. But being in France without wine is a bit like sex without an orgasm!

10 Some TV. East Enders on the good days for Wendy.

A tough regime. How will we cope with 5 weeks of this.

More Un PC French jokes:

Q. How many frenchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. One, because he holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him

Q. How do you confuse a French Soldier?
A. Give him a rifle and ask him to shoot it.

Q. Why don’t Master Card and Visa work well in France
A.They do not know how to say “CHARGE!”

Q. What do women who are snipers in the French military use as camouflage?
A. Their armpits

What is it with the French? Are they just squares? They’re obsessed with square ruled notepads in their supermarkets. A simple ruled A4 notepad is rarer than a Taliban in yellow marigolds doing the dishes.

Who said it?

“Islam is as dangerous in a man as rabies in a dog”
How dreadful are the curses which Mohammedanism lays on its votaries! Besides the fanatical frenzy, which is as dangerous in a man as hydrophobia in a dog, there is this fearful fatalistic apathy. The effects are apparent in many countries. Improvident habits, slovenly systems of agriculture, sluggish methods of commerce, and insecurity of property exist wherever the followers of the Prophet rule or live. A degraded sensualism deprives this life of its grace and refinement; the next of its dignity and sanctity. The fact that in Mohammedan law every woman must belong to some man as his absolute property – either as a child, a wife, or a concubine – must delay the final extinction of slavery until the faith of Islam has ceased to be a great power among men. Thousands become the brave and loyal soldiers of the faith: all know how to die but the influence of the religion paralyses the social development of those who follow it. No stronger retrograde force exists in the world. Far from being moribund, Mohammedanism is a militant and proselytizing faith. It has already spread throughout Central Africa, raising fearless warriors at every step; and were it not that Christianity is sheltered in the strong arms of science, the science against which it had vainly struggled, the civilisation of modern Europe might fall, as fell the civilisation of ancient Rome.

Answer in tomorrows blog.

Tuesday – sunny but cool.

That’s it we’ve reached escape velocity and we’re off. 6 weeks in France. Hopefully a tad warmer and sunnier. Cars packed and can’t believe there’s even some room left in the micro boot. Well done Wendy. Who knows might even manage to bring a few bottles of wine coming back. 

All I need to do now is gird me loins ready for the French. I’m ready to dust me blog off. I’ve 6 weeks of pent up rants ready for me blog. The French never fail to provide ripe pickings to rant about and of course the luny fundamentalists from the religion of peace are always a fertile ground. It will be like my hero Victor Meldrew on steroids.

But first I’m forgetting the joys of British motorways that awaits me. Fortunately no major traffic jams just hard driving with the volume of traffic.

Tunnel is as efficient as ever. Then it’s an hours drive to our overnight hotel in Abbeville. Very pleasant, good evening meal and breakfast.

Wednesday – hot and sunny.

5 hour drive down quiet roads, so much more relaxing than the UK even if you do have French exhaust bandits up your backend. 

Caravans all pitched up and ready for us.

Supermarket for essential supplies. Wine and some bier. You know you’re in France when you see the choice of wine and lots of it below E5 and crap bier – I’ll spell it that way so as not to be confused with quality beer like the Reinheitsgebot – full of E numbers. They sure know a thing or 2 about wine but their bier’s best used as drain cleaner.

Thursday – hot and sunny again.

Bread and cheese for dinner so we’re well established. Satellite set up for Freesat (heaven forbid Wendy misses East Enders); TV set up; DVD set up; Wifi set up – much good may it do us as they use carrier pigeon (French ones at that); VPN set up; deck chairs out; sun shade up; shopping done; Kindle locked and loaded.

Stap me vitals, standards must be slipping. A French caravan here in Little Britain, whatever next – we’ll all be on Halal frogs legs. Mind at least they have quarantined the caravan and family in a remote area.

Blog ready to roll. Get all those rants off me chest.

Friday – hot and sunny.

Nip down to Parthenay to the non-existent market – don’t they all have a Friday market – and visit Lidl. Quality beer, cheap E0.5 a bottle and Wendy says food is cheap.

Barbecue on the campsite this evening complete with singer – Joan Baez me thinks! We pass on the barbecue as Wendy doesn’t have her asbestos suit with her and like her eyebrows the way they are.

From now on my blogs going to be carefully colour coded.

Black – our daily log of where we were, what we got up to. Vital when you have problems even remembering what you had for breakfast and “did I turn the gas off”.

Red – religion. My totally non PC views on ALL religions but especially the religion of peace, failed multiculturalism and the do gooder, progressive dhimis in the UK.

Blue – jokes and sarcasm (what me). Hopefully non of it PC and most of it aimed at the French.

Purple – Rants on anything else I have a hissy fit about. And there’s plenty to go at with our clowns in government. If I ever dry up then a quick shifty of the Daily Mail is enough to wet me appetite.

Halal Hell – yes that meat and Halal products have crept into our way of life, served in schools, hospitals, restaurants and sold in supermarkets. Yet another example of the Dhimi multiculturalism in this country.

So why do we (that’s the royal we of Wendy and I) object to Halal:

1 Yet another dhimmi step down the path to Sharia law in our country.

2 There’s substantial arguments that it’s a cruel way of slaughtering animals and yet it’s permitted in the UK. The European Union directive, “European Convention for the Protection of Animals for Slaughter”, generally requires stunning before slaughter, but allows member states to allow exemptions for religious slaughter – now there’s a surprise.

3 Only Muslims can be involved in Halal preparation. Employment discrimination.

4 Muslim do not have to eat Halal if it is not available in a country.

5 It is not clearly labelled.

6 The Halal certification authority charges extra, a hidden tax, and there is evidence that some of these authorities support terrorism.

How to avoid it? Look for these labels and leave them on the shelves. Avoid Morrissons who have a bad track record in this area.

For a great video on the issues then you can see my hero Pat Condells rant about it here  and there are several websites on this issue, although some do lack objectivity.

A French and American general were surveying a battlefield. A bullet strikes the American general, grazing his arm. He shouts “Aide! Bring me my red jacket!” The French general asks “Why did you do that?” The American general responds “So my men don’t see that I’m bleeding, and lose hope.” A second bullet narrowly misses the French general’s ear, and he shouts: “Aide! Bring me my brown trousers!”

Why don’t they have fireworks at Euro Disney? Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender. 

Expert boob gropers wanted to work in airport security. Can you grope a boob? Can you tell the difference between real boobs and implants? If you can answer yes to both of these, then there’s “stimulating” opportunities open to all.
Yes, it seems that religion of peace has found a new way for their fundamentalists to terrorise with explosive breast implants. Given that religions attitude to women there will no doubt be plenty forced into the role.
Long queues at airports as they try and cope with the new threat. Of course profiling is so non PC that both men and women will be inspected – bugger common sense.

I’m fascinated to know what these female terrorists get when they get to paradise. If men get 72 virgins? What will the women get? Will they get 72 virgin Chippendale male studs?

Tough luck, it turns out that women will be provided with only one man, and are commanded “will be satisfied with him” – so there.

School nurses, doctors and public health officials have been told to tone down the way they tell parents that their children are overweight.
NHS guidance says letters should not make people feel that their parenting skills are being criticised but instead be “non-judgmental and positively phrased”. The word “obese” has been removed from template letters to be sent to parents, as have references to cancer.

What’s wrong with the word fat or blobby or butter-ball or roly-poly. Do these PC morons (another non PC word) not realise that they are depleting the English language of yet another word – soon we’ll have no PC words left at this rate.

Tuesday – hot 85F, humid and sunny.

Lazy morning. Stroll over the road to the liquor store, it’s such a pleasant area. 

In the afternoon we drive over to our Home Exchange hosts place in Waverly. A small town of about  a 1,000 people around the lovely lake Waverly. They have a fantastic lakeside home, complete with dock, speedboat and pontoon boat – truly the American dream. We have a trip out on the lake, on their luxury pontoon boat, have a dip in the lake, it’s just 72F, ideal for cooling off on such a lovely hot day. This is definitely the life.

Stay for dinner, which in typical American fashion, is cooked on the barbecue. No it’s not a £2 instant barbecue from Asda, but the traditional and all essential giant gas barbecue. No American home is truly complete without one. A lovely meal and great company.

Just browsed a lovely book on the Hadza, a small group of hunter gatherers who live in Northern Tanzania. Just fabulous to see in pictures how they live off the land and probably bother no one. Have some intriguing rites of passage. For  nstance the girls are adorned with beads and given specially decorated staffs (narichanda) made by their fathers but given by the mothers. They then have several days when they are encouraged to hit any young men in sight with their staffs. Tough on the young men. A tradition developed to remind young men that women are equal.

They have a refreshing attitude to religion “We believe in God and we have our rituals, yet we don’t try to change anyone to our ways. Why do these big religions always try to change people to their ways.” If only the rest would take a leaf out of their book.

Lanky speak:

“World War I started over summat an nowt”  – Big arguments can start from relatively inconsequential sources 

“There’s nowt funnier ner folk” – People can be strange, especially in Oldham. 

“He couldn’t knock t’skin off a rice puddin” – He is weak 

“Aye, an woke up swettin”- He’s exaggerting his physical prowess 

“He couldn’t neck a meat puddin” – His romantic skills are overated 

“Be good, an if tha’ can’t be good be careful and if tha’ can’t be careful buy a pram” – Contraceptive advice c. 1958. 

“Never run after a buzz or a lass, there’ll be another one along in five minutes” – advice to the lovelorn c. 1963

The UK Department of Health in 2010 announced that it would loosen hygiene rules for Muslim and Sikh doctors and nurses. From now on, they will not need to wash their hands before procedures as it compromises their modesty. Instead, they will have the admittedly less sanitary option of wearing disposable plastic over-sleeves.

Acknowledging the danger of microbes and death, a Department of Health spokesman said, “The  guidance is intended to . . . balance infection control measures with cultural beliefs.” But, believe it or not, from a culturist perspective, the death of some patients is not the main cause for concern that this policy elicits.

The most dangerous problem is that this policy encodes multiculturalism not culturism. Whereas culturism acknowledges that England has a majority culture to protect and promote, this multiculturalist policy implicitly says that England has no core culture. It says that the nation can be whatever pressure groups decide it is. It, therefore, officially ends the dominance of English culture in England.

I DON’T BELIEVE IT! This was done in 2010. Why aren’t I aware of it? Why wasn’t it headline news? It was in some newspapers, but why not on the front page of every self respecting newspaper until the stupidity was reversed? Why haven’t heads rolled? Why are we putting up with such crap? Has England run out of common sense? Do I have to go back?

It’s just pots for rags. If you want to be a nurse or doctor then washing your hands goes with the territory. If you don’t like it, go and be a shit shoveller or work down the sewers. MRSA is one of the biggest problems in hospitals. They even expect visitors to wash their hands. This is the sheer lunacy we’re going back to. Keep me out of their grubby, germ infested hands. And then the loony lefty, liberal, progressive brigade wonder why your average Brit (no I don’t take offence at being called this) gets uptight about so called racial and integration issues. It’s just stupidity! Rant over!

Wednesday – hot and humid.

Spend the morning cleaning the apartment and packing.

After lunch we pay a visit to the Mill City Museum. It’s just across the river from us so it’s a pleasant but very humid stroll.

Interesting place with a great 19 minute film on MPLS and an elevator ride with a difference. It’s a giant freight elevator, not quite the tower of terror but each floor has a different story to tell about life in one of the biggest flour Mills in the World. Interesting museum with fun things to do, especially for the kids.

Well you learn something new every day, problem these days is remembering it, so perhaps it’s the same thing I just keep forgetting. But I hardly think todays learning would be forgotten, it is so appalling I just didn’t believe it until I’d researched it on the web, and of course if its on the web it must be true. So what is this inconvenient, well hidden truth, learned from one photo in a photo exhibition in the Mill City Museum of a young Indian girl crying as she listens on her headphones. Apparently women, both Native American (Indians to the less PC among us) and blacks, were being forcibly sterilized by the US government up to the early 1970’s. Eugenics here in the USA – unbelievable.

More Lanky speak:

“Nincompoop” – an idiot.

“Ne’er-do-wel” – someone who’s a waste of space>

“Scorrock” or “skerrick” – a little, hardly any.

“A’ve sin better ‘air on bacon” (I’ve seen better hair on bacon) – I don’t like your hairstyle 

“I thowt tha ‘ad more oil in tha’ can than that” (I thought you had more oil in your can than that) – I thought you had more sense

“He’s as thick as two short planks” – He is not very intelligent 

“A were standing there like cheese at fourpence” I wasn’t making much progress in getting things done 

US company making pork-laced bullets to send Muslims ‘straight to hell’

The group is angered about the idea of an Islamic cultural center opening near Ground Zero.

According to the Huffington Post, South Fork Industries, based in Idaho, however has claimed its ammunition, called Jihawg Ammo, is a defensive deterrent to those who violently act in the name of Islam.

The company stated that the pork-infused paint made the ammo ‘haram’, or unclean, and therefore will keep a Muslim who’s shot with one of the bullets from entering paradise.

The company, in a press release, said that with Jihawg Ammo, one can not only kill an Islamist terrorist, but can also send him to hell.

The company’s website called the bullets as ‘Peace Through Pork’ and a ‘peaceful and natural deterrent to radical Islam’.

Novel idea.

Thursday – very hot and sunny.

Taxi to metro, metro to airport, check in, suffer the TSA – they manage to create a queue out of thin air, airport lounge. Fantastic 30Mbps free wifi. A bit too early to hit the free booze.

MPLS airport is lovely. Perhaps one of the nicest we’ve experienced. Not too crowded but almost a full Mall. Even has live musicians a sax player and then a harpist. How cultured is that.

Flight to Atlanta’s on time and pretty comfortable even though full. Just love watching the mayhem with carry on. They charge for anything put in the hold so it’s now even worse than ever. Just another way of making air travel more miserable. I think they must have a secret annual award ceremony, the OSCAIRS, for the airline or airport that comes up with the most innovative ways to screw the customer and make the experience more miserable.

They all bring their giant bags plus a hold all. Most of them have zero spatial awareness, trying to get a quart into a pint pot. Mind you it’s even worse when disembarking, if they managed to hammer and force it in, they’ve now got to prize it out while everyone watches spitting feathers in horror and boredom.

Airport lounge at Atlanta has free wifi that’s even slower than Belthorn. At least with the hour jump forward it’s after 17:00 so I can hit the free bar.

Well it’s good bye America after a great 10 week road trip. We’ve visited 13 states and 23 Cities and towns. No we didn’t follow the Mississippi religiously, but more or less. The deep South was interesting; really enjoyed New Orleans; The Smokies were fantastic, just a pity about Pigeon Forge and Tennessee in general; Nashville was a great experience; Memphis Beale Street was a scruffy dump, but Graceland was enjoyable; St Louis was lovely with that awesome Arch; Chicago was a great town if somewhat noisy and busy, but a fantastic experience living downtown in a loft; Des Moines was lovely and free despite  what people said about it; Minneapolis was awesome, relaxing, cultured, a fantastic apartment in a great city, there’s so much I’ve already said about it; stepping over and wadding across the Mississippi, at the source, was the crowning glory of our trip.

MPLS must now rate as our all time favourite city, despite the mosquitos and the humidity. But Park City still rates as the top town and my favourite place in America.

Now some slightly bad news about the mighty Mississippi. The 4th longest river in the World and the longest in America. But actually it turns out in geological term the Missouri River is the longest and the Mississippi should real be viewed as a tributary of the Missouri. The Mississippi below St Louis, where the Missouri flows in, should really be called the Missouri. Mind you the revised Missouri still wouldn’t be the longest in the World.

So what we’ve been conned, but what a great time we had, so much to see and do. Never a dull  moment. On the positive side perhaps what we now need to do is a trip up the Missouri from St Louis to the source in Montana?

More Lanky:

“Side the table” – Clear the table 

“Bally foundered” – to be hungry

“Essel up” – To get closer to

“Chunner” – To complain, grumble

“Powfagged” – Tired 

“Keck ore” – fall over

The cause of too much trouble in the World. Now what could that possibly be?

Religion no longer seen as a force for good by young people

More young people in Britain believe that religion is a cause of evil rather than a force for good, according to a new YouGov poll.

The place of religion in the lives of 18-24 year olds is smaller than ever, with politicians, brand names and celebrities having more influence than religious figures in the day-to-day decisions of young people.

Additionally, the YouGov poll for The Sun showed the reputation of religion amongst young people is actually more negative than neutral: 41% agree that religion is more often the cause of evil in the world and only 14% say it is a cause for good.

Can you blame them?

Who said it?:

“Lighthouses are more use than churches” – Click here to find out.

“This would be the best of all possible Worlds if there was no religion in it” – Click here to find out.

“Christianity is the most perverted system that ever shone on man” – Click here to find out.

Interesting that such pillars of society, great thinkers and founders of America had such views. I suspect if any American politician spouted any of these views today they be tarred and feathered and out of office quicker than a ferret down a rabbit hole.

Great documentary from  Bill Maher – Religulous – watch it, well worth it.

Now it’s 6 weeks at home. But best is we get to see our new Grandson at last. 

How will I cope?  

So the blog will have a rest now until mid-August when we go to France. Plenty of fertile things to rant about over there!

Oh and by way of a change its cold, misty and raining in Belthorn.

Sunday – more storms overnight and a sultry morning but hot and sunny afternoon with 80% relative humidity.

Yet again Main Street is closed off this time it’s an adults run.

After a lazy morning we stroll across the Stone Arch Bridge to go to the 50th Anniversary celebrations at the Guthrie Theatre. There’s a lot going on such as choirs; piano recitals; stage craft demos of sword fighting; free photo’s in silly hats; talk on the Mississippi river; face paining – passed; hair dying – passed; free lemonade; free cakes on as tick – delicious; free candy bags; free competitions back stage tours. All free just up  our street. Of course to spoil it all there had to be a Farmers Market – not free. We even attended a “Secrets to Presentation Success” seminar where a voice coach taught us about breathe control when speaking; build; reverse build and cut back. Interesting, took us outside of our sphere of comfort.

More Lanky:

“thad mek a berrer doer thun a winder” (Thy would make a better door than a window) – You’re standing in my line of vision!

“It’s omptyin t’streets” (It’s emptying the streets) – It’s raining very hard

“Shut tho cakeole” – Close your mouth!

”I am for up the wooden hill” – Going up stairs to bed,

“If tha duz owt fer nowt, do it fer thysen” (If thy does anything for nothing, do it for thy self”)

“Thaart nesh” (You’re nesh) – some someone who feels the cold or is soft.

Doh!

An ad on Seattle buses placed by the FBI that shows the faces of 16 wanted terrorists is racist, because all of the men appear to be Muslim, charges Rep. Jim McDermott, D-Wash.

The Seattle Weekly reports McDermott sent a letter to the FBI requesting that the agency remove an ad that shows 16 faces of Most Wanted Terrorists, who all appear to be Muslim.

McDermott, whose district covers much of the Seattle area, calls the ad “offensive to Muslims and ethnic minorities,” contending it “encourages racial and religious profiling.”

He argues the FBI’s Most Wanted Terrorists list includes people of other races and “associations with other religions and causes.”

“But their faces are missing from this campaign,” he writes.

Thirty of the 32 people listed on the FBI’s Most Wanted Terrorists list appear to be Muslim. The two non-Muslims are a member of the revolutionary Black Liberation Army who escaped from prison after being sentenced in 1973 and an animal-rights extremist wanted for a 2003 bombing.

Surely loyal American Muslims would not be offended. Surely they would want terrorists caught. Surely they’d rat out any terrorists in their midst. As for profiling, bring it on, you know it makes sense.

Monday – grey and overcast but very warm, with a torrential downpour of bigger and better American rain.

We drive down to Burnhill just South of MPLS. Fortunately for Wendy, but unfortunately for me, there’s big Mall there. Dam I forgot my earphones yet again.

Meet up with Dennis and Nancy, two home exchangers who stayed at our place in April, after us staying at there Sarasota home in December.

Had lunch with them and was really nice to meet them after all our emails and exchanges. One of the plus points of home exchanges.

More Lanky speak:

“Be sharp!” – Hurry up

“Wigwams for lame ducks” – never you mind

“Get up the Dancers”  – go to bed

“Put wood in T’hole lad” (Put wood in the hole) – Close the door.

“Nae cast a clowt til May is owt” (Never cast a clout until May is out) – Keep wrapped up.

“pinklewatter” – weak tea

“I was as black as UP LUVVER” – I was as black as if I had been up the chimney (louvre)

Keeping Blasphemy Law Out of Europe…

European Parliament passed 2 resolutions opposing any attempts to establish blasphemy laws.

On 13 June, MEPs voted in favour of 2 resolutions to set the EU Guidelines on the Promotion and Protection of Freedom of Religion or Belief, which explicitly mention the need to protect the rights of both believers and non-believers and oppose any attempt to criminalise freedom of expression on religious grounds.

The first resolution ( 2011/2081(INI) ),  focusing on press freedom: Recognizes that governments have the primary responsibility for guaranteeing and protecting freedom of the press and media. The resolution also points out that governments also have the primary responsibility for hampering freedom of the press and media and, in the worst cases, are increasingly resorting to legal pressures in order to restrict that freedom, e.g. through the abuse of anti-terrorism or anti-extremism legislation and laws on national security, treason or subversion. The EP endorses a balance between the concerns of  ational security and press freedom. The resolution goes further to deplore the fact that journalists are frequently wounded or murdered or are being subjected to serious abuses throughout the world, often with impunity, and stresses the importance of combating impunity.

The second resolution ( 2013/2082(INI) ), centering on religious freedom, endorses the firm opposition of any attempt to criminalise freedom of speech in relation to religious issues, such as blasphemy laws. The EP predictably condemns all forms of violence and discrimination, but goes further to emphasize that particular attention should be paid to the situation of those who change their religion or belief, as in practice they are subject in a number of countries to social pressure, intimidation or outright violence.

Bloody hell are our politician growing some balls at last.

Wake up Europe free speech is under serious threat.

Friday – Very hot 85C, sunny and a tad humid.

Drive down to Fort Snelling via the main runway of the International airport thanks to that bitch in my satnav system – she obviously had the map upside down.

Fort Snelling was really interesting. Canon firing; soldiers drilling; surgeon to talk to; had a chat with Colonel Snelling about his problems, he really does need to improve his table manners and stop eating off his knife; chatted with the cook in her farmhouse kitchen; watched the washer women do some washing. All great live demos. The only down side is we didn’t have enough time.

How this for novel “Sample a Cat”. No it’s not a sign outside a Chinese restaurant, it’s outside a pet shop. Apparently you can spend 2 hours being ripped to shreds by a cat, and if you enjoyed it so much will be able to buy one.

In the evening we went to a soiree for the Phoenix on the River apartment residents and guests. A Jacobs join and bring your own booze on the rooftop, well actually they had it in their lovely social area, another great feature of this building, along with bike storage area, conference rooms, spacious garages, spacious womanned reception.

A very pleasant evening with our hosts and got to chat to a lot of the residents here. There’s some interesting characters. Some interesting conversations. Thankfully we’re not in Tennessee – we could easily understand one another.

Horrendous rains, 80mph winds and thunder storms overnight. A severe weather watch with tornado watch. Certainly took down some trees and power lines with 500 thousands being without electricity.

More Lanky sayings:

“Hoof it” – throw it away

“yawreet – grand” (You all right – grand) – are you alright – very well thank you.

“Mum’ll do a spud” (Mum will do a spud) – to be in bother with mum.

“Owt wearin nowt bura shimmy” (Out wearing nothing but a shimmy) – she is out wearing a dress that looks like a night dress.

“A bit ten punch shilling” – not all there.

Saturday – rains stop by 10:00 and turns into yet another warm sun and cloud day.

Main street is closed off again this morning for yet another event, this time it a children and adults fun run. Just watching them all from our balcony tires us out.

Wander over to the supermarket and then Wendy goes to the wool shop for some buttons. Ends up in the knitting group, personally I think it’s more rattling than knitting, all very friendly and helpful with her. She learns a few new techniques. I start to get the shakes as we go in Lunds supermarket as I dread the battering our credit cards going to get. It’s that bad that last  ime we were in here the bank refused our credit card. I have to admit they have an awesome salad bar, hot food, fish and deli counters with more cheese than a French supermarket.

I have to visit the liquor store, free wine and beer tasting – it’s a hard life and it would have been rude not to try them. Outside there’s one of these totally bodacious bike bars where you booze and peddle your way around town – see picture. Really must have a go.

It seems like since we moved North we’ve  bviously aged and are no longer passing as under 21 – common sense at last. However I notice the couple in front buying liquor. She’s paying and has to produce photo Id. I get that. What I don’t get is why her husband also has to produce Id. Being the inquisitive sort I ask why. “Ah well she could have been buying it for him.” Have they not realised that if you’re going to buy it for someone under age – quite rightly against the law with stiff penalties – the youngster would stay outside. Another example of the immigration card question “are you a terrorist?”. My inquisition continues with “what happens if there’s 4 people in the party at checkout”. Yes, you’ve guessed it by now, they all have to produce Id. If one of them can’t then they won’t sell it and on top of that they won’t sell to you for 24 hours. Alas I’d lost the will to live by now so never got to the bottom of how they monitor the 24 hour rule.

Moral of this story is if ever there’s a gang of you buying booze don’t all go through the checkout together you’ll have reached retirement age by the time they’ve Id you all.

Decide we’ll have a lazy day in reading, knitting and enjoying this awesome apartment. It’s so, dare I say it, cool. Lovely wood floors; matching wood cabinets; hifi in every room from a central sling box; Apple TV – yes I know I’ve mentioned it once; electrically operated blinds; giant, plumbed in gas barbecue on the balcony; great  coffee machine that all you need to do is put water in and it grinds the beans fresh for you; luxury of a daily newspaper.

This Mississippi just keeps rolling on by our apartment. I know the heavens opened up last night but you just wonder where all the water comes from.

The days are passing fast. Less than a week left, which feels hardly anytime at all to us. Wendy’s getting excited about seeing Jasper and the knitting needles are clicking away night and day.

More Lanky:

“A jump up door and a bite o`t towel!” ( A jump up door and a bite of a towel) – reply to what’s for tea.

“Its all a load of iron peggy martin”  – Its all a load of rubbish or its not very likely to have happened.

“stop acting the leather pig” – stop misbehaving.

“I’ll cotter you one” – I’ll smack you.

“well I’ll go to the bottom of our stairs” – an expression of surprise.

“she hasn’t all her chairs at home” – not very bright.

“Being in Dickies’ meadow” – being in some kind of trouble.

Wednesday – hot and sunny again.

After our usual leisurely morning we drive down to St Paul, the 2nd part of the twin cities.

Start off with a Starbucks for coffee and lunch for Wendy. Wifi’s not working so my passbook app won’t work, does this sound familiar. No problem sir, we’ll take care of it (me thinks she means they’re going to fix the wifi), but no she means that drinks and sandwich are on us. Now that’s what I call customer focused and empowerment.

Easily find the visitors centre in a verify elegant  ld building complete with two unusual but free museums. One on music and the other on woodturning, just up my street. Some stunning examples of heir art and some great lathes and bodges lathes.

Do two of the walking tours. A nice city but alas nothing really interesting, seems to lack atmosphere.

More from Lancashire:

“Tek yer ook” (Take your hook) – sling your hook or get lost.

“Bet there’s no empty windowlene bottles in er ouse” – the house is mucky.

“tha’s a propper mard” (You’re a proper mardi) – you are spoilt

“By the ‘eco”, “By the billy en meyt”, “By the bloomin’ (bloody) hen meat” – an expression of surprise.

 “Well, I’ll gu t’top of our stirs” (Well, I’ll go to the top of our stairs’) – another expression of surprise.

“were ya born in a barn” – shut the door

Interesting steps in France, if only our clowns in parliament had the same brass balls:

After a meeting on the National Immigration and Integration, French Interior Minister Manuel Valls announced significant changes in the country’s migration policy. The government will reduce financial assistance to immigrants, and this reduction will be substantial. Starting March 1 of next year, French immigrant benefits will be reduced by 83 percent. The amount of compensation to immigrants who voluntarily want to return home will be also reduced. If earlier the government paid 300 euros for every adult and 100 euros for every minor, in March of 2013 these amounts will be reduced to 50 and 30 euros, respectively.

One of the main provisions of the new immigration rules in France is the reduction of unemployment benefits. New rules will directly affect many of the immigrants who do not want to be of real assistance to the country and whose main goal is the existence at the expense of French taxpayers. 

Thursday – hot, sunny and very humid despite the weather forecast.

It’s Wendy’s treat today with a visit to Sodom and Gomarrah, the sacred and hallowed 21st  entury cathedral of the ultimate in blatant consumerism, the Mall of America. Yes, this is the biggest in America. An indoor Disney. No litter, no chewing gum, clean, no Mosquitos, spacious, sunny yet no sunburn and no scrots. Even has a full sized fun fare inside. Reluctantly I have to say its very impressive. Even free live music, well I suppose “the youngsters” may call it music but after my rant about Opera Under the Stars being too quiet it seems I due retribution with deafening noise. I move closer to the stage but have to dash back as the noise is like one of those non-lethal weapons they use.

Thankfully the Mall has an apple store, somewhere to while away the hours while Wendy browses baby clothes – baby fever is reaching a new crescendo. The cheeky devils at the evil empire have cleverly positioned a Microsoft store opposite the apple store, or perhaps it’s the other way round, in which case it’s ok.

Drive back is something of a nightmare as my SatNav batch decides to take us on a route through Downtown in the rush hour. At least it makes me realise that we’re not really city folk.

After dinner we stroll across to the Guthrie  theatre for another cultural overdose. This time it’s a play, “Clynbourne Park”. Really good both amusing and thought provoking. As usual in America its about black / white integration. What is it with the American psyche? Every play we’ve been to is about “the Blacks” – at least they can use that word rather than some new euphemism. It’s like some National guilt trip. Perhaps it’s a guilt they all feel for the appalling slave trade. Just like our German friends who showed us photos of the concentrations camps and described it poignantly, in broken English, as “Our bad past”.

They seem to have got over the guilt of the Native American Indians ok, suitably assuage with crap land for reservations and casinos. Is it time to get over the slave trade? Surely a black president is a major step or is that causing this to bubble to the surface?

Stroll back in the dark across the bridge. It’s still roasting and humid, and the Mossies are out in force.

More lanky speak:

“am brassic at mo” – no money at the moment

“she’s off er rocker” – she is mad as box of frogs

“somers brew in” (somethings brewing) – trouble is coming

“It’s gone to pot” – it’s gone wrong

“as bright as a button” – clever

“lordin it about” – showing off

I came across this piece, written by a young Muslim turned atheist who lives in Iran:

You, my dear western reader, have no idea how overbearing and suffocating religion is here. You simply don’t. You cannot begin to imagine it even if I commissioned you to write a post-apocalyptical novel. You don’t know what it means to have something taught to you everyday at school and university. You don’t know what it means when the entire media advertises a religion 24/7. You don’t know what it means to have religion everywhere, to have it define every aspect of life from entertainment to profession to politics. And to have absolutely zero access to a dissenting voice.

Monday – warm with sun and clouds.

Up at the crack o sparrows ready for a long drive up to Lake Itasca – the source of the Mighty Mississippi.

By the time we get up there it very cloudy so we decide to drive onto our hotel in Bemidji, explore that and do Itasca tomorrow.

Quality Inn Hotel is a disaster. Typical Wifi doesn’t work. After wasting 20 minutes trying and wearing out 3 pairs of shoes traipsing backwards and forwards to reception. I vote with my feet.

Can you imagine if we had this performance when we wanted to turn a light on! We really are getting fed up with Choice hotels and there lack of attention to detail and poor quality control. Drive down to the Hampton Inn to try them out, a tad more expensive but wifi works and hotel is lovely, right on the lake, great rooms and great breakfast. So it looks like Hilton Honors chain may be the new chain to go with. Hampton Inn – a better way to fritter your kids inheritance.

Have a walk around downtown Bemidji. Pleasant little town but not really much there. Lake front very nice and they do have some lovely sculptures around the place.

And to remind me of good old Lancashire todays saying are:

“Tha’s no oyl in thi’ lamp” (There’s no oil in the lamp) – he’s a fool.

“Thick enough t’chowk a donkey”  (Thick enough to choke a donkey) -A reference to a wad of notes in a rich mans wallet.

“Yer weren’t made at Pilks” – A St Helens term for “You are obstructing my view” (Pilks – Pilkingtons Glass Works)

“Tha meks a betta doower than a winda” (You make a better door than a window) – You are obstructing my view (usually the TV).

“Bet tha cud eyt an appul thro a beard wire fence” (Bet you could eat an apple through a barb wire fence) – My you have got big teeth

Tuesday – very hot and sunny.

Great breakfast. Then it’s off to Lake Itasca and the Headwaters of the Mississippi.

It’s very popular here they get 500,000 visitors a year. 

We’re both quite excited as we complete our pilgrimage. I get to step across the Mississippi on the stepping stones as the might river trickles out of Lake Itasca and for good measure also wade across. Wendy wimps out on the stepping stones – they are slippy – but instead, girds her loins, and wades across. And the 3rd alternative is to cross on a log. We made it. Quite a trip.

Wendy goes into panic mode when some tells her to check for Leaches – it’s the girl guide in her coming out.

Given the religious zealots in this country I’m amazed there was no millionaire preacher man offering salvation with a total emersion baptism, for a goodly fee of course.

Just think a drop of rain that fell in this lake on the day we arrived in New Orleans still hasn’t travelled all the way down the Mississippi to reach New Orleans yet – it takes 90 days! The Mississippi is the 4th longest rive in the World. How can the Americans cope with it  not being  the longest. I’m surprised they haven’t had the Army Corp of Engineers extend it by 400 miles to make it the longest.

Then have a drive around the Lake and discover the State bird on Minnesota – the Mosquito. Yes, we’re todays A La Carte menu for the Mossies. Never seen so many and they have dragon flies the size of small birds – joy. 

Now I know I’m always bleating on about blobbies and the obesity epidemic but today has to take the chocolate cake with cream on. How to steer your car with your stomach. This woman was so fat her stomach was oozing all over her steering wheel. Amazing how she managed to get in her seat. Will she ever get out? A truly terrifying site – enough to put you off food for life.

Then it’s the long drive back – 4 hours. Call in at Park Rapids for lunch – the best Corn Beef Rueben’s ever.

Has anyone noticed how a trip to the toilets these day results in deafness for a week as these new jet like hot air machines permeate the eardrums and attempt to shred them – nosier than a scrottie Hells angel on a Harley. While there doing that they spray water droplets around the place like pellets out of an air gun, best thing is to hide in a toilet to avoid a soaking!

By the time we get back to MPLS it seems we’ve got revenge on the Mossie’s, the front of the car looks like a bloodbath with the splattered little blighters.

From our balcony is a great place for people watching. You get all sorts form the poor old dear struggling along with two walking sticks as she takes her cute little dog for a walk; to fit lithe young females in tight everything, just bouncing along as they jog; Mothers jogging along pushing their brood before them in state of the art 3 wheel tanks; to lazy lumps sauntering along; the best prize has to go to the 50 year old geezer in shorts, teeshirt,  rainers, reading glasses strapped around his head and  walking along at a sprightly pace reading a hard back book, complete with a pen in his hand to annotate it – must be enthralling if he can’t bear to put it down.

More from Lancashire:

“Thaz a face like a line a wet weshin” (You’ve a face like a wet washing line) – Stop sulking

“Standin theer leyke cheese at fourpence” (Standing there like cheese at fourpence) – Hanging around – Having nothing better to do.

“‘Es spat is dummy out” (He’s thrown his dummy out) – He is angry (childish like tantrum).

“Thes getten a face leyk a bulldog chompin a wassap” (You’re getting a face like a bulldog chomping on a wasp) – God you’re ugly or you’re sulking

“Thes geete a face leyke a bulldog likkin piss off a nettle” (You’ve got a face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle) – God you’re ugly or you’re sulking

Perhaps there is a god after all:

Even Religious Extremists Can be Done for Blasphemy in Egypt…

An extremist Muslim cleric has received an 11-year suspended sentence for tearing up and burning a Bible.

A Cairo court sentenced Ahmed Abdullah and his son who was given a suspended sentence of eight years over the same incident, the Middle East News Agency reported. The two were ordered to pay a fine of 5,000 Egyptian pounds ($700).

Abdullah ripped up a Bible and burned it during a Sept. 11 rally by extremists in front of the U.S. Embassy in Cairo, protesting an anti-Islam film produced in the United States.

It was a rare prosecution over attacks on faiths other than Islam. Over the past two years, attacks by extremist Muslims against followers of other religions, mostly Christians, have been on the increase.

 Hang on a second, no stoning, prison sentence or flogging! Seems a tad biased.

Saturday – warm, very humid and cloudy with thunderstorms.

Lazy morning as usual. Then after lunch we take a stroll around the Stone Arch Bridge festival. It’s all going on right beneath our balcony so very handy. Mainly stalls selling stuff that no one really needs and food stalls selling calories and cholesterol.

A couple of groups playing.

We’re fortunate to get back for afternoon tea just before the heavens open up.

After an early dinner we set off to the 19:30 free Opera Under the Stars performance. Being nerdy philistines we’ve never been to the opera before and never really had the inclination either, especially not in a monkey suite or any suite for that matter. So this is an ideal, free opportunity. Fortunately the suns out and all is well with the World once again.

Set off early in the vain hope that we’ll get a seat, fat chance of that. Traffic and parking is an absolute nightmare. Finally find somewhere to park and are lucky enough to get a seat on a picnic table a goodly distance from the stage – see picture. Sadly the sound system is no better than an iPhone at 200 yards. After 10 minutes my eardrums are aching with the strain. Never mind  we walk down to the stage area and even in the “proper seats” – mainly taken up by Germans and their beach towels – the sound of people munching popcorn is drowning out the opera.

The whole area is packed to the gunnels. Some families have tables, not just small ones either, set up with wine, drinks, food and candles. People have bought all sort of chairs and food. From cheese and biscuits; barbecues smoking everyone to death; eating tuna straight out of a tin; fresh fruit and veg – too healthy for me. Every body seems to be having a good time even though 70% of them can hardly ear a thing. Some people are even reading books. The endearing memory of the evening has to be of a 12 year old lad lay on a groundsheet, with his  family, looking away from the stage, with his head in his hands, bored out of his tree and with a face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle.

Wot no National anthem at the outset, or did we not hear it? Unusual! What’s happened to the proud Nation? It always seems such a good idea to play it at the beginning, stops the scrots dashing out at the end of a performance like they do in England.`

After 20 minutes, us philistines, pack up and go home. From what little I heard, it confirms my life long prejudice that its not for me. Although I have to say there are some popular bits of opera I have heard and enjoyed. I don’t think I could cope with 90 minutes or more of this one.

But it’s all indicative of the lifestyle here. And yes I appreciate it’s free but if you’re going to do a thing you should at least do it right. Choose a venue with plenty of seating and a sound system.

Now for something different. A few great old Lancashire sayings – translation in brackets:

“Pots for rags” – it’s mad / crazy

“Ah cud eyt a buttered frog”  (I could eat a buttered frog) – I’m hungry

“Bread etten is soon forgotten” (Bread eaten is soon forgotten) – Said about an ungrateful person

“Ees fair bowlegged wi brass” (He’s fair bowlegged with brass) – He’s very rich

“Faitin dogs come limpin whom” (Fighting dogs come limping home) – Don’t quarrel

“It’s a luvly shade o’ black o’er t’mother-in-laws” (it’s a lovely shade of black over the Mother-in-laws) – It’s about to rain

I don’t believe it! What has our country come to:

Contractor loses out on his ‘dream’ £1,000-a-week IT role after unwittingly saying he would treat his Muslim recruiter to a bacon sandwich

Clive Hunt, 58, says he was offered an eight-month NHS contract after attending an interview set up by recruitment firm Reed. The recruiter offered to come over and have breakfast when Mr Hunt started.

But he says he lost out on the job after he told her he would ‘get the bacon sarnies in’.

Clive Hunt, 58, says he was offered the IT job by recruitment firm Reed before a senior manager phoned him to say his offer of a bacon sandwich to a recruiter was racist

Mr Hunt, from Heywood, Greater Manchester, said he wasn’t aware he had offended Sharika Sacranie, 29, during a meeting at the firm’s city centre office until he received a phone call from a senior manager. 

You might know it’s in the Daily Mail, always gets my hackles up.

Sunday – clear blue sky, hot and sunny.

Wander up to the supermarket and liquor store in the morning. Silly me the liquor stores closed. Looks like the 18th’s been re-enacted, perhaps by Monday the 21st will come into play again. It’s Sunday and the Christian fundamentalists busy bodies have imposed their blue laws on every one. How can such a lovely, civilised, trendy,  liberal city tolerate such an anathema in the 21st Century. Surely it’s a violation of the 1st Amendment. Never mind when the Muslims get a grip of this country it’ll be back to a permanent 18th.

After lunch we take a stroll out of our front door into the festival. Turns out to an expensive step as Wendy finally gets a new ring she’s been mithering for. Stop and listen to a few bands, see some awesome old cars and pottery. Then it’s back home for tiffin.

We’re certainly not city people but I think this place is amazing, bikes, parks, barbecues, lakes, lovely city, not too much traffic. All in all seems a great life style. 

More Lancashire sayings:

“Mi belly thinks mi throats bin cut” (My belly thinks my throats been cut) – I’m very hungry

“Once every Preston Guild” – Not very often” (Preston Guild occurs every 20 years)

“Pigs wain’t follow an empty bucket” – “People will not work for nothing”

” Put Th’wood in’th’ole” (Put the wood in the hole) – Close the door

“Stondin theer like one a’ Burtons dummies” (Standing there like one of Burtons dummies) – description of an idle person

“Tha’s bin aytin vinnigger offa knife” (You’ve been eating vinegar off a knife) – a response to a sharp phrase or scolding remark

Homeland Insecurity:

The White House assures that tracking our every phone call and keystroke is to stop terrorists, and yet it won’t snoop in mosques, where the terrorists are.

That’s right, the government’s sweeping surveillance of our most private communications excludes the jihad factories where homegrown terrorists are radicalized.
Since October 2011, mosques have been off-limits to FBI agents. No more surveillance or undercover string operations without high-level approval from a special oversight body at the Justice Department dubbed the Sensitive Operations Review Committee.

Before mosques were excluded from the otherwise wide domestic spy net the administration has cast, the FBI launched dozens of successful sting operations against homegrown jihadists — inside mosques — and disrupted dozens of plots against the homeland.

The FBI never canvassed Boston mosques until four days after the April 15 attacks, and it did not check out the radical Boston mosque where the Muslim bombers worshipped.
The bureau didn’t even contact mosque leaders for help in identifying their images after those images were captured on closed-circuit TV cameras and cellphones.
One of the Muslim bombers made extremist outbursts during worship, yet because the mosque wasn’t monitored, red flags didn’t go off inside the FBI about his increasing radicalization before the attacks.

Sadly I it’s the same in England, the Dhimi PC brigades and loony progressives just don’t want to offend. Bugger common sense.