Tony & Wendy's Travel Blog

Leisurely drive down to the Leonardo Hotel at Heathrow. The less said about the usual road works and delays between Manchester and Stoke the better. It’s been like this for at least 20+ years. Now they have 12 mile long road works with orange hi-vis jump suits swilling tea and passing the time of day. Does anyone bother working.

Check in and then seek out some dinner. It’s only 0.4 miles to terminal 3, but you can’t walk or cycle down the road so it’s either catch a bus or do a 6 mile hike.

Terminal 3 has a dire choice of food, either Costa or Weatherspoon. By now my stomach thinks my throats been cut so we catch the bus to MacD. Happy meal here I come.

Great breakfast and then we spend the rest of the morning doing what us geriatrics do best, lounging around; reading the papers; drinking coffee; and putting the World to rights.

Picked up by a taxi for the 0.4 mile drive to terminal 3 Heathrow. Hang on how I miss a Blackburn taxi, where’s the furry dice; where’s the slimy threadbare leopard skin seat covers; what no antique 20 year old Nissan; no odour of fag ash or stink of curry; no screeching brakes or sea sick invoking pitch from lack of shock absorbers. Instead we have to put up with a Series 7 class BMW with TV screens, pleasant driver and shear luxury.

Then we’re through screening and all that palaver and ensconced into a lovely lounge complete with the usual free booze and food. Wendy attacks a bottle of brandy with all the gusto of a thirsty camel.

Well if anyone ever wanted an incentive to loose weight this blobby, sat opposite us in the lounge, who takes up 3/4 of a Chesterfield settee, is enough to make you want to have your mouth sewn up for life. His wife looks like she’s competing with his girth. God help anyone sat next to him on the plane as he oozes over into 3 seats.

Flight great. We’ve booked exit row seats so it’s very comfortable, 3 films and a load of food. We land on time. Only one complaint on the Virgin flight as their only red wine is Syrah.

Well we knew we’d arrived in San Francisco when we encountered a male weirdo wearing a mini skirt and some mauve colored curtains as a cape; then we’re nearly run down by two skate boarders towing one another; followed by a guy in a Stetson arguing with himself and bursting into incoherent catwauling. Full of fruitcakes prancing about.

Then we encounter the urine stinking stairs outsideof the BART station, mountains of chewing gum gob’d out on the pavements, you need crampons to negotiate them, followed by streets full of homeless sleeping rough. Their bedrolls lining the pavements – sorry sidewalks – like rows of the graves in the Somme.

Welcome to San Francisco.

Plan A is to get a Uber from the BART station to our hotel. Our first encounter with the Uber App, surrounded by the prancing weirdos, is not exactly the best introduction. The Human Computer Interface is not exactly the most easy to comprehend, but eventually I crack it. Wow what a great system, you even get to see the taxis whereabouts.

Hotel’s a Comfort Inn, clean, very comfortable and very expensive.

Up at the crack of sparrows ready to cook my first waffle of this trip.

Then we set off for a walk down to the ever popular pier 39. Wow, eating lunch and a healthy one at that with two fresh figs. At last we get to go on the Alcatraz tour, good job we booked over a month ago as there’s no availability for 5 days. What money spinning business this is.

Audio tour’s very interesting and well done.

Dinner’s a sandwich at Boudins. Make the most of it we’ve got 10 days of food, Food, FOOD and rampant gluttony to cope with.

Leisurely start to the day. The hotels been infested overnight with Italians. At breakfast they’re like a plague of noisy locusts.

Leisurely morning then it’s a Uber to the Ferry Terminal. Horrendous queues, sorry lines, to drop luggage off, but I’m approached by a young lady who tells me to follow her – wow I’ve pulled, my lucks in. We cut the lines – as they say – drop our luggage off and 10 minutes later we’re walking on board. The slickest boarding ever, spoilt only by the creation of a short queue to have the inevitable, money making photo taken. Appalling, greed and profit before customer service.

Our inside rabbit hutch, sorry stateroom – sounds a tad grand doesn’t it – is perhaps the smallest we’ve ever had, but it’s neat, clean and comfortable.

For the first time ever we’re on fixed dining. A table of 8, fortunately they all speak English. All Americans, but a pleasant interesting group, so I guess we’ll stick with it for now.

Our first full day at sea, so what scintillating entertainemnt do they have for our amusement and edification.

There’s the usual range of talks and seminars. The trick is to figure out what they’re going to try and sell you. I venture to the history of art, all very interesting and you get a free limited edition print. Mines certified as the 435,684th copy.

Off to the gym. Must be the youngest place on the ship / boat.

Oh it’s time for another meal – lunch.

Afternoons spent lounging around and blobby watching.

Then we opt for some intellectual stimulation. A talk on Juneau, our first port of call, given by a young guy whose mono tonal, expression free monologue has me asleep in seconds – a defense mechanism against ending up suicidal listening to him.

Oh and now it’s time for another over dose of cholesterol and calories with our new fixed dining friends and our waiters who so want to be our best friends for life. As to be expected wine on board is extortionate – only exceeded by the wifi rip off – but we’ve found a superb wheeze. Happy hour, buy one get a second for a $1, so two glasses of $7 Zinfandel comes out at $8, and adopting your best drunks stagger, not difficult with the pitch and roll on board, you just slink into fixed dining with two glassed in hand. First wine for nearly a week on the wagon.

Dinner’s hilarious as a couple try a special offer Baileys and coffee, complete with free shot glass, only to find that there’s no coffee with it. 10 minutes later everyone’s wet themselves with amusement and the waiter’s ready to slit his wrist. Food not so good, Wendy has gristle pie and one couple have desiccated salmon.

Then it’s off to the show. An irreverent, PC incorrect black (yes, you can still say black herein the colonies and they’ve not yet come up with another ridiculous word replacement) dreadlocked comedian. He’s hilarious.

Top the night off with a nice brandy night cap, so much the nicer because we managed to smuggle it onboard despite all the dire warnings and the risk to security

Coffee in the lounge as I do my blog to help me retain my sanity. Wendy’s watching a vegatable carving demo. Mean while I do some people watching, plenty of entertaining pickings. Then I consider why in the name of the FSM would you want to attend such a negative seminar to “learn the real reason why we can not get a flatter stomach and why crunches aren’t working”?

Boy it’s rough out there.

After lunch it’s a trip to the gym. Located on the top of the ship at the sharp end it gets the benefit of any rough seas, it’s like trying to exercise on a cake walk. After 20 minutes I’m ready to shout for Hughie and Ruth. I descend to our rabbit hutch (Princess’s marketing department describe it as a “stateroom”) and just about manage to keep the diced carrots down – have you ever noticed that whenever you pewk, no matter what you’ve eat in the past week, there are always diced carrots in it.

Quickly get ready for the “highlight of the cruise”, formal night, and to avoid pewking I dash down to the lowest level possible with a view of the sea.

After dinner we catch the comedian / magician. He’s pretty good but some of the best entertainment is provided by the smaller acts around the ship such as the guitarist singer, the classical group and the pop bands.

Drive up to Rothenberg, one of the most picturesque towns in Germany. It takes nearly 2 hours with all the road works and traffic jams.

Have a pleasant wander around. It’s our 2nd time here but it is pretty. Coffee and lunch in the main square and then we’re serenaded by a choir from Wisconsin followed by a full orchestra from Wisconsin to play popular classics. All very relaxing and enjoyable, and best of all the music was free.

On our way home we pop in to see Andy and Gerd’s supermarket. Wow, it’s massive and all very modern and swish. Have a grand tour with Andy and then a coffee.

Dinner of wild boar in the town square at Konigstein.

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Trip advisor review – Haus Am Markt 5 Star

Had a lovely junior suite here. Well equipped, comfortable, clean and typical Teutonic efficiency. Good continental breakfast. Excellent wifi. Hostess took a real pride in the place, the food was great and she was very helpful.

Early breakfast and then set off for a 6 hour, +400 mile, drive to Brussels. Road works introduce a few delays and at one stage satnav is predicting 120 minutes delay. Accept the diversions and we only suffer 30 minutes.

Our hotel is slap in the centre, only yards from the Grand Place. Thats the good news. The bad news is it’s a nightmare finding it. For some reason satnav leads us totally astray and has us going around in circles, just before we spiral up our own backsides she finally comes to her senses (note the female element) and gets us there.

Check in and then have a pleasant wander around. Wendy’s never been to Brussels before, so we have dinner on the Grand Place and then I take her to the chocolate shop I used the last few times I came here. She can’t resist but she has to eat them all within 3 weeks.

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Trip advisor review – NH Carrefour, Brussels 4 Star

4 star hotel within yards of the Grande Place. Great location. Good room, comfortable and clean. Wifi was a tad temperamental, but pleased to report electricity and water were OK. Good breakfast.

Being in such a central location it is a nightmare to get to, especially when your satnav goes on a bender and takes you round in circles. Good public car park next to hotel.

After a good breakfast we head for the hop on and off bus tour. Although in our case it’s mainly stay on, but can’t resist a look see of the Evil Union parliament, before it collapses under the weight of it’s own megalomania, greed and corruption. The free parlimentarium is pretty well done and free – well we’ve paid for it with our taxation without representation, the 1776 battle cry. Although like the EU 30% of the exhibits don’t function.

Then it’s back on the bus and pick up the outer Brussels tour.

Get back just in time to set off for a 2 hour drive to Rotterdam.

Arrive in plenty of time for the ferry but the great thing is they let you onboard more a less straight away, so no hanging around and you can start spending right away. Have a lovely buffet tea, some drinks and then stock up un some quality brandy for me and perfume for Wendy. She treats me to some quality YSL smelly stuff.

Then it’s off to bed while our hotel floats over to Hull.

Meanwhile here’s a link to a blog posting I did for HomeExchange.com – AN EXPERIENCED APPROACH TO HOME EXCHANGING. Earns me a free years membership.

http://blog.homeexchange.com/blog/exchange-tips/experienced-approach-to-home-exchange/5637/

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Quality breakfast and disembark quickly. All very efficient, apart from UK customs who seem to lack any form of common sense. That’s Wendy’s second cruise this year. Oh I do spoil her.

Then it’s a 90 minute drive to Belthorn and for once it’s not raining when we get home and there are no traffic jams once we get out of Hull.

Well that’s the blog over for this trip. Just go to a countdown for the number days until we escape for our 3 month California adventure.

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Off down to Chiemsee, the largest lake in Bavaria.

Catch the ferry over to the castle. Stop for the usual morning coffee and then have a stroll around the island. Finally find the castle, after wandering off course. Wendy says that’s not a castle. Have to agree it’s more of a palace, but hey ho it’s impressive from the outside. Our culture overdose means we forego another tour around the inside.

Back on mainland Wendy has her ice cream lunch.

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Call in at Rosenheim old town for a look around and a coffee. Find a great spot for coffee in the old square. Superb for people watching especially as there is a 2 Euro coin glued to the pavement to tempt people to try and pick it up – see photos. We get about 4 attempts whilst we’re there.

In the evening we have tea in the Aying Beer garden. All very tasty and relaxing. But what is it with Germany and it’s failure to accept credit cards. Do they not know this is the 21st century and the rest of the World has moved on from cash – especially the Euro!

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VRBO Kaps Review – 5 Stars

Set off to our next stop 4 days in Konigstein near Betzenstein.

On the way we stop off at Dachua concentration camp. It’s now a free memorial to the millions who died in the camps. A very sombre and stark reminder of what mankind is capable of. Worrying. Sadly it could happen again, especially the way the radical islamist are promoting terror, it wouldn’t take much for such a backlash.

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Drive up to Konigstein. More road works and delays than in the UK. A 2 hour drive takes 3 hours.

Arrive at Haus Am Markt to our quaint junior suite. All very comfortable in a little village.

Have another tasty tea sat out at one of the hotels around the village.

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After a interesting and individual continental breakfast we decide on a lazy day after all the driving of yesterday.

Drive down to Pegnitz for a wander around to see how it’s changed. Have our morning coffee in the old market square.

We go to buy some chocolates for our hosts tomorrow. I only get 3 words of german out and the old lady behind the counter sjuuttles off in a panic to get the young assistant, who can obviously speak English, to deal with me. So much for my german, but I try, and manage the rest of the transaction in German.

Then have a drive around to Betzenstein and surrounding areas. By now it’s only 13:00, Nuremberg’s only 30 miles away so we decide to have a look around. We’ve been before but over 25 years ago. The usual nightmare driving in, finding the old town and then finding parking.

End up fairly central in the old town. Just in time for Wendy to have her lunch before she expires from malnutrition and starvation. First area we wander around is like a little middle eastern section, now we know where all the immigrants are.

Wander around the old town a busy litter strewn mixture of old town with modern big city stores. Unusual for a German city it needs a good clean up.

To avoid yet another horrendous traffic jam we drive back down the country lanes. Pass through some lovely small old towns with character. Might have been better visiting them instead.

After another busy driving day we have tea at a restaurant near Konigstein. Menu choice is a tad limited but food is excellent, beer is awesome and all very cheap.

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Breakfast and a lazy morning.

Meet up with Jurgen and his family for a lovely lunch at Veldensteiner Forst followed by afternoon tea with delicious cakes in their garden. It’s about 28 years since we saw them last so we had plenty to catch up on and many photos and reminiscences. Lovely to see them all, although it makes you realise how old you are when they are all grown up with their own teenage children. Jurgen has teenage daughter and is 2nd director at a secondary school. Loves his job as a teacher.

Then we walk across the road to Henri and Margits house for afternoon drinks. Henri takes us to see his new depot in his awesome 7 series BMW heads up display and for Wendy sat in the back there’s TV’s, massage seats, spa air freshener – wot no jacuzzi! Henri now has a massive Diesel Oil business with over 50 tankers and now petrol stations. Rudi his son work in the business. Henri still works in the business every day, including Sundays, and is justly proud of his business.

Followed by a lovely evening meal in a Schlossbrennerei in Betzenstein. It is so hot we all dine out side. Andy, Gerd and their teenage children join us for dinner. Of course no meal with Henri would be complete without some good German beer and rounded off with a quality Schnapps – feurwasser. Again it’s about 25 years since we last saw them, so we have plenty to reminisce and catch up on. Andy has 3 children and is a Mediator and along with her husband Gerd runs a thriving supermarket.

All our friends and especially their children seem to be very happy and prospering. It was awesome to see them all after all this time, a whole generation later. I don’t think we’ve ever eat so much in a day, drive back to Konnigstein, well after Noddys gone past big ears.

Interesting to talk to Andy and family about BREXIT. They are a tad confused as to why we voted out. I explained our view, but forgot to tell them that another key factor in the vote was a protest vote, people were fed up with politicians ignoring the masses. They seem overall in favour of the EU. Andy likes the idea of an EU army for peace. Whereas Henri, as a business man, is a lot more sceptical of the EU especially the bureaucracy. Margit had an interesting view in that she feels they are a wealthy country and it is right that they share their wealth. Generally most seemed to agree that immigration was out of control. I think it is difficult for them to appreciate how our country is being swamped. Especially bad for us in the Blackburn area where we already having a burgeoning muslim presence trying to erode our cultural norms and overloading local services.

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Yes, we survived Italy. I think I deserve a medal for surviving those roads and the crazy exhaust bandits.

I spend about 8 months a year driving on the right. I spend about 8 months a year driving in unknown and foreign places. But nothing prepared me for Italy. Lovely country. We enjoyed it, but oh the roads, if you survive the pot holes; then you’ve the cyclist to overtake; followed by avoiding the scooters trying to scrape the paint off both sides of your car; then there’s the screaming loonies on their TT Trial bikes, glorified phallic symbols to make up for a minuscule penis, as they deafen, swerving in and out; but worse of all the crazy drivers trying to crawl up your exhaust pipe. They’ve no concept of a safe stopping distance, they seem to assume it’s measured in centimetres.

If ever we come back then it’ll be in an £100 old banger land rover, suitably ensconced in cobham armour plating, equipped with a rear flame thrower and blades protruding from our wheels like a roman charioteer.

Pleasant 4 hour drive up to Serfaus. Our Hotel Garni Alpina is lovely. Great room with sitting area and south facing balcony. Everything is spot on and wifi seems to work.

Have trouble driving the last 50 yards to our hotel because as usual there’s a beer festival on with some typical Tyrollean music.

Park the car up and there it will stay for the next two days. Serfaus is a traffic free village with a free underground railway.

Wendy has to have her lunch and cup of tea. Then it’s off to the beer festival for a daytime beer. Followed by a pleasant stroll around the village up to Cervosa and Maxamillian. All brings back great memories of family ski holidays here.

In the evening we go out to dinner for a typical Tyrollean food Zweifbelroastbraten, spatzle and couldn’t resist a Germknodel. It’s at least 20 years since we had one. All very tasty served in an awesome restaurant – just love all the traditional wood panelling.

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Don’t I just love Teutonic efficiency. Breakfast tables already set out, complete with a lovely little pottery name plate with our name on.

Great breakfast.

We get free lift passes with our hotel so it means we can ride all the 4 gondolas all day for free. In our day there was only one gondola. Off to the underground ski train. We remember this oh too well. Not as crowded as last time we used it. I’ll never forget the automatic German announcement “achtung tur schliessen automatische”

Take a trip to the top of the mountain and have coffee at a traditional Austrian mountain restaurant Lassida. I’m sure it wasn’t there in our day, but it looks like it’s been there for ages.

Stop off at Kolner Haus for Wendy’s lunch. Arghh…., they modernised it in 2003. Lost all its rustic charm and they’ve got rid of those lampshades. Food wasn’t all that good either we should have eat at the top of the mountain.

Catch another gondola and lo and behold there’s a boating lake and amusement area been opened up on the mountain. Now I know why those walkers had to be so well equipped.

Have a leisurely stroll back down the main street. Trying to remember which places we stayed at and where we bought a loaf of bread, becher muesli, hot chestnuts and shoes.

In the evening we go out for dinner again to the Astoria. All plans are for a bauern platter, tiroller grostle and kaiserscharm. Free schnapps (feurwasser) to round off the meal. We’re so full we can’t manage a kaiserscharm.

Love this place, it’s all so clean, organised, efficient and pleasant. Being in the mountains the temperature is not too hot, just ideal for walking. Civilised. Could certainly come back for a weeks summer walking holiday. But for skiing I don’t think we’d come back. Sure they’ve expanded the area and you can now ski Fiss and Ladis on the same lift system but still not a patch on the size of Park City; oh so expensive; most of the ski areas are not high enough to guarantee good snow; narrow runs; I suspect it’s still crowded.

Wow these Germans sure like their walking. A lot of them are our age. The mountains are crisscrossed with organised walking paths, yet when you look at the average German walker you’d think they were on a mission to the top of Everest. They have super strong, shock absorbing, waterproof, hiking boots; back pack big enough for a whole years backpacking; super high tech, waterproof jackets and trousers; two walking poles that look like they’ve been personally moulded to their hands and could be used to defend yourself and scratch your back. All thats missing is an ice pick, crampons and oxygen.

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Review Hotel Garni Alpina – 5 Stars

A lovely 4 star hotel. Room was great with sitting area and small balcony. Breakfast was good quality food. Everything is just right. Would definitely stay there again. Surprised they didn’t accept credit card but we booked via booking.com, so not to big a problem and price was good. Wifi was ok.

After a hearty breakfast set off to our next stop a VRBO in Kaps, just outside Munich.

Lovely drive through Austria to the German border where there’s a traffic jam. Yes, despite Schengen there’s a German border patrol guy just waving all German, Italian and Austrian cars through. What happens to us? Yes, the only British car and we get stopped. Do I think it can be something to do with BREXIT. He asks us if we’re going home, I tell him no we’re going to Germany and we’re waved on. What a prejudicial waste of time. Looks like the Germans have already abandoned Schenegan, never mind waiting for an EU go ahead.

Arrive at our new home in Kaps, a small village of about 5 houses. Our home for the next 4 days is massive – see pictures. To just walk to the kitchen will beat Wendy’s daily fitbit steps target. Two bedrooms, 3 balconies and oh so modern. Well equipped, everything is just right and top quality.

Amazing, even though there’s only about 5 houses and they’re all spread out, yet the wifi password is 16 characters long. What is this obsession with passwords? There’s no way any of the other 4 houses would be within range and it’s in the back of beyond.

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Yeah, beans on toast for tea.

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Drive down to Aying, about 5 minutes away. Park up and catch the train into Munich. The trains modern, comfortable, air conditioned and clean. You can even see out the windows, unlike Italy.

Whatever happened to common sense? Aying platform ticket machine is like the typical German trying to worship the sun, getting a great tan. Stuff the passenger trying to read the screen. Wot no deck chair towel. Pity we could have used it to shade the screen. Let’s just summaries some of the other issues, won’t accept any of our credit cards; won’t accept a €20 note; says no change given and it gives change; confusing screen design; ticket it prints won’t fit in the authorize machine. Apart from that it was perfect.

After a 40 minute trip we’re in the main station in Munich and pick up a hop on and off bus tour.

Munich is lovely but oh so hot. We stop for a coffee in the English Garden and watch them surfing. Then it’s the Marienplatz for the town hall and a gentle stroll around. Wot no selfie sticks, not a single one to be seen, unlike

Italy where they’re ike a plague of locust trying to swipe you and poke your eye out. Is the percentage of selfie sticks inversely proportional to the wealth of a country?

Saunter round to the Hofbrau house for a beer and some lunch.

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Break all my retirement commandments and have ein Masse and some lunch. Great beer, great food but spoilt by crap customer service.

Then full of good food and quality beer, we waddle around some more. Hop on the bus back to the main station. By now it’s hotter than hell and half of Georgia.

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Lazy morning then we drive down to Tegernsee. A lakeside town that, according to our host, brews the best beer in Germany.

It’s a pleasant little town. A bit of a tourist trap. We have a coffee and lunch by the lake then have a saunter around. Splash out on 3 bottles of their local beer.

Then we drive back to Aying, our nearest town, that also has it’s own brewery – Ayinger. Have a wander around and stop in the open air beer garden for a beer – sinful. It’s all very pleasant, I could get used to this way of life. Oh and the beer is excellent.

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It ain’t half hot again but we brave the heat and venture into Siena to see the Duomo. We missed it last trip.

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Wendy has a pleasant lunch and then after a 4 mile saunter we head back home for some cool.

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Review of our VRBO outside Siena – 1 star.

A lovely 2 bedroom / 2 bathroom villa. Clean and fairly well equipped, grounds and pool were also well kept. Two lovely patio areas, complete with settee, chairs and dining table. Also sun loungers. Pool area was lovely. Lounge was small but adequate, sadly a tad on the dark side and could do with some better lighting. No air conditioning in the lounge but was in both bedrooms.

Fairly expensive, but apart from the wifi fiasco it would have been worth it.

Wifi was diabolical. Up and down like a jihadis machete. I complained but things didn’t improve. Just typical. Fortunately all the other utilities didn’t cut out or keep failing and none needed a password to access them.

I would have given this place 5 stars but I’m so sick of hotels and rentals not treating wifi seriously. If water, electricity or gas was up and down like this wifi, then you’d be furious. I choose places that claim they have wifi and expect it to work speedily and consistently like other utilities. It’s not rocket science. For this reason I’m giving them a punitive 1 star.

We say goodbye to our lovely villa just outside Siena and drive up to a weeks home exchange on a vineyard just outside Verona.

It’s a leisurely 3 hour drive, mostly quality toll roads spoilt only by the crazy exhaust bandits that maraud these highways, a modern day scourge like the highwaymen of old.

Satnav does an excellent job and gets us to our new home. This BMW is awesome, you just identify the location on maps. In this case I used the satellite view to check the villa out and then sent the co-ordinates down to the car.

We’ve a 3 bedroom apartment in this lovely villa just surround by vineyards. Even has it’s own gym and pole for Wendy to do some pole dancing for my entertainment – pictures may follow.

Get settled in. Hooray, wifi works. Then it’s off down to the local supermarket, which defying all expectations is open all day, on a Sunday. A nice bottle of Primitivio and some quality German beers along with a few Italian delicious like cannelloni, MELANZANE ALLA PARMIGIANA, porchetta and a selection of Italian cheeses including some awesome Mascarpone cheese.

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Fairly lazy morning and then we drive into Verona for a shufty round. No hop on / off tour, no guided walking tour, just us and google maps exploring the most popular looking places. Bump into Juliets balcony purly by accident, not really on our list. What a tourist magnet it is, teaming with us dam tourists.

Being of the “forgot what I had for breakfast” age, today I forgot to put my belt on so there I am shuffle around Verona in dire risk of my shorts falling down. How embarrassing would that be under Juliets balcony. “O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou you pervert? Pull up thy draws, stop thy codpiece being faded by the suns almighty rays.”

Stop for a lunch time coffee, then 4 miles later we stop for Wendy’s belated lunch. Not ice cream today but apple cake Italian style.

I ask if we should go in the amphitheatre and see where they feed crap software designers to the lions on a Saturday afternoon. Wendy comes back with a typical BREXITer abroad comment “It’s only an old building with holes in the walls and an arena in the middle”.

Driving in and out of Verona was an absolute nightmare. Italian roads in the cities are as confusing as a bowl of spaghetti, but then you add more wanker drivers per kilometre than pilgrims perambulating around a black pagan obelisk in Mecca.

We chose a really central car park. It was great, even had those little red and green lights on each bay so you knew if they were free or not. But €9 for 3 hours I thought I’d bought the place.

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Up and out for a drive around Lake Garda. First 20 miles makes us think we’re in Blackpool with theme parks, a Paradise for your sad Brits abroad. But then it gets to the really beautiful parts. It is lovely but all 100 miles are spoilt by loony drivers. Stop for morning coffee by the lake in Garda. It has a typical seaside resort feel about it. A lot of Brits.

Then we have dinner at the top end of the lake.

A pleasant but long days driving. Made all the more stressful with exhaust bandits and loony motorcyclists on narrow winding roads.

Well we’ve still not come across the hint of a tin of baked beans. Now I’m all in favour of the “when in Rome” principle, and do like to experience foreign foods, but how I do yearn for a simple meal, just once in 6 weeks. Anyway I’ve come up with some new International suggestions. What about macaroni and baked beans, perhaps with diced pork sausage or a baked bean pizza with some pepperoni on.

Just sat on the balcony enjoying a delicious Paulaner beer whilst I watch the grapes grow out there in the vineyard.

I now fully understand this Mediterranean obsession with shutters. Essential to keep the place cool but we end up like bats in a cave, fluttering around in the dark.

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Up and out early and off to Milan. Drive to Brescia. Finally find the station car park. Get a first class on the slow train to Milan. Judging by the state of the carriage I think it’s actually 3rd class. Certainly doesn’t need any shutters, looks like the Windows haven’t been cleaned since world war 1.

In Milan we catch the underground to the Duomo. Wow, makes the Siena Duomo look like a Lego church. It is truly awesome. Have a coffee overlooking the main piazza and then set off for a wander around. Expensive shops and all very plush. A lot different from all the other Italian cities, not so much culture more commerce. A pleasant change.

Get back to Brescia to pick the car up and despite dire warnings the car and it’s contents are still there.

Our American visitors do make us wander at times, they come all this way to stay in our home and then “nip” down to Stonehenge. A 5 hour drive each way. We can’t seem to get across to them how much there is to see and do within an hours drive.

This home exchanging is a funny old business. Not only do you get to stay in so many different houses but you also get a squint into how people live. Makes you realise how different peoples lives can be. For instance can you believe that not everyone has a kettle. On the other side of life many people have a bidet to wash their feet in. What is this European obsession with washing your genitals? I’ve always said we don’t make good Europeans – “you can’t make a milky pure European out of a Brit with big ears and mucky smelly genitals” – being just one of the many ways we don’t fit, so we’re better off out.

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Off down to Bologna. Parking was a nightmare. My target car park was minuscule and relied upon valet parking. Certainly wasn’t trusting my pride and joy to that dodgy looking geezer. Ended up parking on the streets, just outside the forbidden ZLT zone.

Bologna, an Apple Store, more eating joints than small Italian banks about to go belly up, but amazingly nothing to tempt Wendy. She looses the will to live and resorts to Mac Donald’s, sad – at least there’s no cover charge.

Not quite as chic as Milan yesterday, and the church is quite mundane compared to all the others we’ve seen.

Nice covered walkways / arcades everywhere means you don’t have to shadow dance to stay out of the sun. Old town area was fascinating with some awesome food shops selling hams and cheese. Just a pity you can’t capture the delicious smells.

Have a pleasant wander around the main sites but it’s oh so noisy and considering traffics supposed to be limited in the forbidden ZLT zone, I can’t believe how many cars, scooters and buses there are. Too much traffic. Too noisy.

Seems like we missed Neptunes statue.

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Lazy day today. Have a wine tour in the morning. All very interesting. These vineyards are massive. 175 Hectares and they sell to 47 different countries.

At the end of the personalised tour we get to do some wine tasting. Love the Valpolicella Superior, my first Valpolicella in Italy was nowhere as rounded and mellow as this, and their was great Merlot. Sadly this meant committing a retirement sin by drinking before 17:00, but it would have been rude not to.

Then we have the rest of the day packing and relaxing before our drive to Austria.

A fine bottle of Valpolicella Superior, some awesome Italian cheeses, some see through Proscutio and bread for tea.

It seems we’ve may have caused something like a major Mafia blood feud. The Left hand side of the garage, that we enter through, belongs to one brother and the right hand side to another. We’re staying in the home of the daughter of the right hand brother and have committed a major crime by walking to the stairs via the left hand side. We did this because it was as easy and seemed less intrusive on the privacy of the right hand side. Anyway emails have been flying backwards and forwards between our host in New York and the left hand brother about this major territorial incursion.

The United Nations Security council have been called into session and we’ve have now amended our sinful ways and averted any bloodshed. I’m glad to report that so far we’ve not found a dead horses head on our pillow. Our hostess has been very helpful and hospitable, but this incident, totally outside of her control, soured a lovely stay.

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Lazy day around the villa.

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Drove up to Pisa. Well you have to go and see it. But as our son said it’s a one tower, and of course a Duomo, town. If it hadn’t been for a relaxing coffee I think we’d have left in 30 minutes.

From a EU obsessed with Health and Safety I’m gob smacked that there aren’t barriers around the leaning side in case it falls down.

Have to say though free parking, even if there were no signs indicating a car park, and good 1 Euro bus service – we walked – does make it one of the most tourist friendly and accessible towns.

Driving out of Pisa and some Italian exhaust bandit finally manages to get up my exhaust pipe as she rams into me as we’re setting off from a junction. Fortunately and amazingly, there seems no apparent external damage. Bumper seems to have done it’s job without disintegrating or even cracking. Insist on her insurance detail just in case and photograph everything including FEMALE driver. Whiplash, whiplash, whiplash goes the cry – worth at least £3,000 each.

Then we’re off to Lucca. Told this is a not a place to miss. Pass on the suggestion of cycling around the very formidable town wall – it’s 90F. Stop for lunch which consists of ice creams, it’s so hot. Then we saunter through town, slithering from one patch of shade to the next, like a pair of vampires trying to avoid any direct sunlight.

It has a church, plaza and amphitheatre thingy with street cafes around it. Not all that impressed. It came highly recommended by another of those “Italy’s oh so wonderful”, get up your nose snobby aficionados.

After a busy days driving sat enjoying the benefits of a few quality Reinheitsgebots in the shade on our patio.

Met a group of 9 Brits who were on a cruise. Interesting they all in favour of BREXIT but sadly were that thick they’d assumed they’d got an internet vote. No real idea how they were going to do this internet vote. 9 BREXIT votes lost through stupidity.

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Oh it ain’t half hot so we have a lazy day around and in the pool.

Brief trip out to a local supermarket. Just like France no concept of customer service, too busy chatting to their buddies, probably about how good sex was last night.

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Bit of a sleepless night as I follow the referendum results. BBC’s lack of a sensible prediction or swingometer is appalling. The graph / slider seems meaningless.

Get to about 02:00 and despite earlier polls it seems obvious to me that there is a groundswell in favour of BREXIT. Time for some more kip.

Wake up again around 04:00, don’t I just love my old mate insomnia, and finally seems the BBC has been brave enough to make a prediction. By 05:00 it’s looking good, so back to sleep.

By 08:00 it’s a done deal. It’s our 1776 moment and we managed it without Adams and Jefferson, certainly wouldn’t compare Farage, Boris and Gove to those intellectual giants. WE’VE ESCAPED THE EVIL UNION.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10157157883755249&set=a.10153673070225249.1073741845.621375248&type=3&theater

Wow the suns still risen; an asteroids not struck; there’s no plague of frogs; our little lizards are still eating flies and ants on the patio; no horsemen of the apocalypse have yet been seen; Internet connection is still crap.

Breakfast and off out for a 2nd attempt to visit San Gimignano, lovely hilltop town full of towers. Apparently some middle ages competition to see who could build the tallest. The Manhattan of Italy.

Good job we got here around 10:00 as the car parks are nearly full to gunnels, like Britain and it’s immigrants.

It’s a lovely relaxing town, but oh so hot, so we’re dodging from shade to shade again. Coffee stop and then Wendy has an ice cream stop – the best she’s ever tasted. One of the nicest little towns we’ve visited. By 12:00 we’re exhausted with the heat and head for home.

Lazy afternoon around and in the pool. Wendy hides in the cool of the house.

Well the retribution, whining and nastiness has begun. All us BREXITers are a bunch of racist xenophobic idiots. Us oldies, who haven’t got long to live, had no right voting out when the vast majority of the youngsters wanted to remain. Buggered up their future! Yet they were that passionate about remaining only 25% of them could be bothered to come off their Smart phones to vote. Tough. Democracy in action.

Meanwhile the bruised remainders are signing a petition for another referendum. Let’s keep doing it until they grind us all down and they get the right result.

In the evening our American neighbours come around and ask if we’d like to join them, help them finish of an excess of pizza. We pop round and have a pleasant time with them putting the World to rights; helping them understand the Evil Union from our perspective; discovering their perspective on Trump. Typical friendly Americans.

And finally my comment on all this acrimony that has now ensued following the referendum:

https://www.facebook.com/tony.w.edwards/posts/10157158611295249?pnref=story

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A lazy day planned after our sightseeing and cultural excesses.

Lounge around the lovely garden and pool. But no day would be complete without a short trip to a supermarket for the things we couldn’t get yesterday.

Well at last I’m getting to try and hopefully master the Moka stove top espresso maker. It sure makes a powerful espresso, without the need for a £400 baristas special on your kitchen top, and only about £10. Certainly get a coffee that you could underseal your car with, takes your head off, however, still haven’t cracked getting the perfect crema. I notice that it delivers a great cream in the Moka pot but when you pour it you loose it.

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Lazy morning and then we drive into Siena for a bit of sightseeing and culture.

Park at the station car park and all you morons at Blackburn council take note – parking is free. There’s an amazing 10 escalators to take you up to the shopping precinct and then to the old town which is on a hilltop.

The main feature seems to be more churches, than sex slaves on sale in a typical ISIS market, and a rather grand central square. They have a horse race around the square. We were going to sit and have a leisurely lunch here overlooking the square but all the restaurants charge a cover charge. We object to paying about €5 just to sit at a table and then pay exorbitant prices and a 12% service charge, so we settle for one of the many restaurants on the side streets.

Pass on any museum or church tours. Like typical philistines once you’ve seen the innards of one church you’ve seen them all and it rather disgust me to see the sheer opulence of these places. Just imagine if all this money invested in churches had been put to good use for society over the centuries how much better off we’d all be.

Nearly get mowed down as we forget that zebra crossings over here are no more than paint on the road and have no meaning whatsoever.

At last we encounter a decent supermarket, but alas still no baked beans, but all is not lost as they do sell Original Hofbrau.

Driving in Italy is a nightmare. Give me America, Germany with them screaming down the autobahn at 150mph or even France. The side roads have more snakes and turns than you average snakes and ladders game; there’s zero respect for the speed limit; they all want to peer up my exhaust pipe as there understanding of safe stopping distance is measured in centimetres not metres.

Well I have to eat my words. I’ve always been a bit disparaging about Italian beer, worshipping the Reinheitsgrebot and the German Brewmeisters, but I have to say I’m pleasantly surprised at this Moratti I’ve just downed (after 17:00 I might add), a tad sweet but very palatable. But there’s some Pauline’s and Hofbrau awaiting in the fridge.

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Well we’re off to San Giginano, a hilltop town about an hour away. Roof down it’s a pleasant, but slow drive. Most roads around here seem content with 30MPH, with an occasional heart stopping and wind swept hair of 37.5 MPH.

Arrive and it’s heaving, all the car parks are full. Drive around for about half an hour including a dirt track that my satnav seemed to think was appropriate to drive me to distraction but all to no avail.

Plan B – drive home and call in at a much smaller hilltop town – Monteriggioni. Whatever happened to sensible, pronounceable English name like Luton, Preston and even Blackburn. Stop for lunch for Frau Edwards and coffee for me. Menu and food looks so much more interesting than the boring repetition of Venice.

Well our villa here is lovely. Typical Tuscan villa both inside and out. Fairly well kitted out, including a Moka Espresso maker. However, you do have to wonder about the crockery. Cups, with no saucers, that are big enough to wash your feet in. Cereal bowls like flat plates and no beer glasses.

As usual, wherever I go, the internets like an ISIS executioners arm, up and down, but we get by. Watching a mixture of yet more EU debates and The Americans on Netflix.

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Well it’s another day of culture as we set off to explore Florence, all part of our Grand European Tour.

Road from Siena to Florence is a dual carriage, pot holed ridden nightmare. Plenty of road works with 24MPH sections and a terrify top speed of 56MPH. I can assure you with this number of pot holes, 56MPH is pretty daunting, we really should have bought Wendy’s SUV.

Florence centre is mainly closed off to traffic, thankfully. Manage to get to my chosen car park with no problem but driving into the bowels of the earth it seems that the Italians have decide it’s better to drive on the British side of the road, not that they can be bothered with a sign to let you know their change of heart. Anyway arrive with no incident thankfully.

Florence is pretty crowded with the tourist hordes but quite a relaxing city to wander around. Still suffering from our cultural overdose we’ve really done very little planning other than identifying a car park and aiming for the Duomo on foot.

First glimpses of the Duomo are awe inspiring. It’s most impressive from the outside and no doubt equally so from the inside but e’ve had enough of churches for this year and the long queues mean we don’t bother.

We do have lunch though overlooking the Duomo. It’s the awesome MELANZANE ALLA PARMIGIANA again.

Then after a relaxing lunch we wander around Florence. No real idea of the history or culture just soaking up the atmosphere. Get to see a statue of my good old hero Machiavelli. Take some pictures, especially of the naked geezer, which from the appropriate angle looks like he’s got a big rod for his knob.

Invest in a Moka coffee espresso machine for home.

Really relaxing and enjoyable but I don’t see us coming back for another day this trip. It really seems to be one of those cities that people get up themselves about. “Oh darling’s you just have to see Florence, it’s the quintessential Italy so cultured”.
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10157141039010249&set=a.10150340074490249.575311.621375248&type=3&theater

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Take a stroll into Padua to explore. Not the most elegant of cities but it does have some impressive buildings, mind you it’s started to rain so that doesn’t help.

They may not know a lot about beer so no sin today. But they sure know about coffee. Stop at the famous cafe Pedrocchi. The green and chocolate lava on top of my caffee Pedrocchi is awesome and Frau Edwards has had her best cup of tea this side of the EU.

Finally find a decent restaurant for lunch. Yes, it’s lunch today as we’re not eating in the hotel again and most restaurants don’t open until 19:30, when we’re just getting ready for bed.

I have veal livers with polenta, they’re awesome and just mealt in your mouth. Very filling struggle to finish it. Frau Edwards has a unique tasting Lasgne.

Don’t we just love the hotel barman, all the charm and personality of a desiccated mushroom. Who employed him? Hannibal Lecter in his mask would present a more cheerful disposition. I suppose not speaking any Italian doesn’t help but do they not realise that we have a world of languages to choose from. We really can’t speak them all. Simple, they – Johnny Eu Foreigner – should be forced by the Eureaucrats to learn English.

I’ve cracked this Italien food thingy, just smoother everything in olive oil, and they smile and think you a local.

Wot no Tuti Fruiti on TV, no wonder the Italian economy is nearly as insolvent as Greece? Watch this space ready for the next bailout

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Trip Advisor Review of Hotel Galileo Padua – 4 Stars.

Hotel was bright and cheerful with handy underground car park, where our excellent and helpful receptionist said we could leave the car whilst we visit Venice. Unfortunately the hotels about a mile outside the town Centre, but it’s a pleasant walk.

Room was modern, clean, comfortable and all round good. Although there were no tea making facilities, essential for us Brits, they soon bough one up,when asked. Sadly the bed would probably best be described as firm. It’d probably escaped from a German prison, like sleeping on a concrete floor.

Breakfast was mediocre, mainly spoilt by the same stale bread and rolls they foisted on us in the restaurant.

After another mediocre breakfast we set off like a couple of decrepit backpackers. All our essentials for the next 3 nights crammed and rolled into our haversacks. This is minimalist. Wendy forgoes her multitude of lotions and potions, and hair dryers, straighteners and thingies. I even leave my MacBook. Car and none essentials are left in Padua hotel.

Long life sandwiches for sale on the train platform. It’s 13th June and sandwiches in the machine have a best before date of 12 July. You may well wonder what they’re made of but they’re bread and meat. I don’t believe it. They’ll probably walk out of the machine well before then.

Catch the train to Venice, just under 30 minutes and about €4 each.

Arrive in Venice in glorious sunshine. What a spectacular first impression as we walk out the station.

Then it’s a 1 mile walk through the back alleys and bridges to our hotel. Hotels very comfortable and only 100 yards from St Marks square. Rooms are ver chintzy and regal, not really our style but clean, roomy and well fitted out.

Have a stroll around and some lunch with a sinful Paulaner for me.

First impressions are vibrant, decaying, scruffy back streets, a lot of it well past its demolish by date, and spoilt by too many tourists. It’s heaving, we really do spoil it. But then you see the grand canal and St Marks square and are awestruck by the magnificent architecture.

After 6 miles, and more bridges than hangers onto the Evil Union gravy train, we go back for a rest before heading out for tea.

After having some awesome Italian food in Australia by our friend Peter I just have to eat MELANZANE ALLA PARMIGIANA again. We scour the 1,000’s of restaurants and amazingly the one next to our hotel does it. Go in but no one there, so we vote with our feet. Never mind one round the corner has cannelloni on the menu board, order some drinks and Cannelloni. “Oh I’m sorry sir but we don’t have that”. “But it’s on your menu black board”. “Yes, I know but that’s out of date”. “Well why don’t you update the board”? We walk out in disgust. Finally find a place that does MELANZANE ALLA PARMIGIANA as a starter. Check that it’s on today. Great starter, but nowhere near as good as Peters. Sadly I resort to a pizza, it’s fine, but really must be more adventurous.

Back to hotel and watch the Apple update. Sadly no hardware announcements. I “want” a new MacBook.

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I’m up at the crack o sparrows and join the street sweepers for a pleasant stroll around an unspoilt Venice. Definitely the best time of the day. You can actually photograph places without the selfie stick hoards getting underfoot.

Breakfast is good. Plenty of choice, even strawberries and champagne. I’ll save that retirement sin for tomorrow.

We’re off on a cultural trip, Dogs Palace and the Basic Church. Sadly it’s raining and St Marks square, where we have to meet, is a nightmare of bodies and umbrellas. Fortunately I’ve got two eyes so to all the idiots who still had their umbrellas, up even when under cover, in an attempt to blind me, tough I managed to survive. Just.

Pick up our tickets and audio gizmo so that we can here the guide. Very knowledgeable but she had no red flag to follow, we kept loosing her. She kept asking inane questions like “are we all here”. Not that she’d bothered to count us.

Just 5 minutes into the tour and sure enough some feeble minded and weak bladdered adult women wanted potty.

By the end of the 90 minute palace tour we’ve had enough culture to last a year.

But hey ho there’s more culture to come as we troop into the Basic San Marco church. What a mistake this was. By now we’re both suffering from anaphylactic culture shock and in need of some intravenous caffeine. Strikes me Starbucks and MacDonalds are missing a real opportunity in this church, a coffee shop with free wifi would go down a treat and drag the church into the 21st century.

Finally escape the clutches of our not so organised guide and head for a well deserved coffee and lunch. Yet another 3rd world toilet, this time not just a hole in the ground, but the added advantage of a door with no lock. When opened it will knock you off your feet. Just what you need when you’re draining the snake or having a crouch. And they want us to remain in the EU when they can’t even ban 3rd world toilets.

I suggest a gondola ride. It’s something you have to do, when Frau Edwards learns the price she baulks at it and does a hasty conversion as to how many hand bags she could buy with that. We pass and instead have a 5 mile hike around Venice.

Wendy’s, typical Brit abroad statement, “why do they misspell Venice”?

Greed and stupidity are common bedfellows, nowhere more so than here in St Marks square, famous for it’s overpriced coffee. It’s actually only €1.50 for a coffee to go, but you want to sit down then it’s €6.00. Now any manager with any sense would look around and see that less than 10% of the chairs are occupied yet the whole of Europe is milling around in the square, not even standing room. Does that not tell them that stupidity has taken over from rampant greed. Reduce your price a tad and you’ll get more punters.

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Champagne for breakfast, now that’s decadent.

Took the FREE hotel trip to see the glass factory at Murano. There and back by private water taxi, a great experience. Very pleasant and lovely expensive glass ware if you’re into that sort of thing.

Back in Venice we succumb to a Gondola ride. We pass on the €2, 2 minute ferry option, and go for the full Monty even under the bridge of Sighs – very romantic. What a superb way to fritter away your kids inheritance. I think we’ll have one on standby 24 * 7 just in case Frau Edwards needs to nip to Aldi or buy another new handbag. Expensive but I’m the one who said we should do it and dam the rip off.

Then it’s a spot of fodder for her in doors and a sinful beer for me before we buy a 24 hour valporetta ticket and take the long cruise all around the island and over to Lido, then a trip down the Grand Canal and back. Great way to see Venice but by the end of it Wendy’s lost the will to live.

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Trip Advisor Review Hotel Monte Carlo – 5 Stars

Great location, just a 100 yards from St Marc’s Square.

Quality Best Western hotel, they’ve certainly gone up yet another notch in my estimation and we’ll be using them more in the future. All staff were friendly and very helpful. Arrived early, no problem. Can we have a double bed room rather than a twin, no problem. Can you change this room to a 1st floor room, no problem.

Room was spacious, clean and well kitted out with quality fittings, including tea and coffee making facilities. Furniture and style was very regal and chintzy, very much in keeping with the Venice experience, but not really our taste.

Breakfast was great. Good choice of quality hot and cold food.

Wifi is excellent, just a shame it needs the password palaver, but more understandable in the close confines of Venice.

Even managed to save €200 on a 3 night stay by booking on booking.com rather than direct with Best Western. Pity their web site doesn’t treat customers with the respect their hotel staff do, but €200 is better in my pocket to pay for the excesses of Venice.

Highly recommend this hotel.

After another great breakfast we catch the valporetta to the station for the train back to Padua.

Well we’ve enjoyed Venice. It lived up to my expectations – spoilt by hoards of tourists. Selfie sticks of the vain and eye gouging umbrellas just add to its charm. It’s one of those places you’re glad you’ve been there and done it, but wouldn’t ever want to come back again. We both agreed, even if we called in on a cruise I think we’d be tempted to give it a miss and stay on board all day.

Get back to our Padua hotel and pick the car up from the secure underground garage, so much better than taking the car to Venice and parking up. All credit to Hotel Galileo, it was ok with them and free. Best Western go up again in my estimation.

Then it’s a 3 hour drive to our VRBO home for the next 10 days, just outside Siena. As per their photos it’s lovely. After all our travels it will be a well deserved rest.

When we arrive I carefully inspect my exhaust pipe. I’m sure there must be something of interest up it. All these Italian drivers are a load of screaming exhaust bandits, as they hurtle down, and then seem determined to crawl up my exhaust pipe like a boll weevil trying to lay its eggs in a cotton boll.

Sadly it’s then a trip to the local supermarket for supplies. I soon loose the will to live once I’ve chose my coffee, beer, wine and breakfast cereal. Amazing how different the goods are in different countries. Gladly outside our everyday sphere of comfort and one of the joys of travel is to adopt a “when in Rome approach”, even if it does take us 5 minutes to figure out which milk is whole and which is Frau Edwards white water. Strange though not a tin of baked beans in site but walnuts, dates and more aubergines than muslims at a stoning.

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The usual lazy start to the day with breakfast, coffee and newspapers. Our new home for 4 days is a lovely 2 bedroom VRBO. All very comfortable, modern, clean (no ants so far) and well equipped – see pictures.

Then we take a leisurely stroll down the river into Heidelberg. Wander dow the Haupstrasse to the main square with the obligatory Rathaus and church. Stop to rest our weary legs, having strolled all of a mile, for an all important coffee. Place is teaming with Japanese cameras strung around Japanese, or could be Chinese, necks. A more disconcerting trend these days is for those vanity sticks – the selfie stick. You have to be under 30 to buy one, but it seems the whole of the younger generation is inflicted with a dweebie narcissistic complex. Bad enough they wander around talking into their Smartarse phones but now they’re walking around video their every movement. By the end of the day they must spend hours sorting through their “treasured” moments. I wonder how they cope with going to the toilet? Can they bear to miss recording those few precious moments?

Continue our stroll down the high street to the new town. Wendy’s on a mission to get a small rucksack to replace the need to carry one of the 401 handbags she has. We visit every handbag and out door shop in town. Some of them twice over for good measure. Finally find a black leather one that can just about cope with carrying an iPhone and one credit card. Fortunately there is a defibrillator in store to help my credit card and me recover.

Then we stroll back down the main street to make sure we’ve not missed any shops. Have to liven our pace to get to the Lowenbrau pub as a thunder storm passes. Not quite up to running yet, but a skimpy thin white dress with a black thong beneath, keeps me moving at a rapid pace as I keep up and can’t help but see the wet teeshirt effect reveal more and more. Good quality street entertainment, none of your boring black bin liners. Thank the FSM for a liberated society.

Somewhat wet and bedraggled we stop for a leisurely lunch. Apfel Strudel for Frau Edwards and a Lowenbrau for me. Yes I know it’s a sin. Yes I know it breaks the 2nd law of retirement – no drinking before 17:00. But I’m not driving today and it would have been a sin to pass up on a golden opportunity for one of my Reinheiatsgebot favourites.

Heidelbergs a lovely old town. Clean and pleasant to just stroll around, you feel safe. Infestered with us dam tourists. Quite a few inverted black bin liners shuffling around with all the accoutrements of modern living such as iPhones, flashy handbags, jewellery, trendy shoes and the wow the occasional glimpse of an ankle. Not quite up to Blackburn standards, yet. Also quite a few street beggars.

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Well it’s a choice today between a 90 minute drive up to Frankfurt or a 30 minute drive up to Mannheim. We decide on exploring Mannheim. Frankfurt sounds to big.

We avoid the Autobahns in an attempt to see more of Germany and less of my rear view mirror. Frau Edwards get excited when we come across a Lidl. We have to stop and explore. Consensus of opinion from my merchandising consultant is that Lidl is far superior to Aldi, unlike in England where it is vice versa.

Drive into he centre of Mannheim. It’s like driving through a never ending rabbit hole with Donner Kebab joints on either side. Mannheim doesn’t impress, a modern’ish town infestered with guest arbiters, we keep on driving and give it a miss. Thankfully we didn’t do the two hour each way boat tour to Mannheim.

Stop off in Heidelberg new town and have a wander around.

Then back down the high street to the old town for lunch, alas no Lowenbrau today. We’ve no merchandising mission today other than Frau Edwards wanting a piece of quiche she saw in a deli at the far end of town. Oh well all good exercise.

Has anyone noticed that all German car parks seem to be designed to wreck your alloy wheels, twists and turns down curb lined isles that you’ve no chance of negotiating without hitting them.

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Well today we set off to explore the castle. Alas found it a nightmare to park and Frau Edwards was concerned that there were too many steps for her dodgy knee. Abandoned that idea and drove up to the top of the mountain for morning coffee.

Plan 2 was to walk across the famous bridge and into Heidelberg for lunch. Again abandoned due to parking problems. Whatever happened to the joys of motoring. These days it’s just a nightmare trying to park. Now if we had our bikes then there’d be no problem with great cycling facilities around the town. But like cyclists the World over they seem to feel that traffic lights don’t apply to them. Then there’s the problem of them sneaking up behind you, no bell, just suddenly sweep past. One step out of line and you’re pavement pate. But I’ve one of two solutions:

1 The humane and romantic option – walk down the pavement holding hands with Frau Edwards, spread out across the whole pavement. Then they have to use their bell.

2 The permanent fix option – as you see their shadow sweeping up then execute a sharp right hand signal with your hand flat out, karate style, and let it make contact with the oncoming larynx. Oh so sorry we didn’t see you. They’ll never do it again.

What is it with this obsession that some so called men have with Harem Trousers. Are there that many eunuchs in Germany? I suppose it’s a marginal improvement on wandering around with your trousers around your knees showing off your gaudy skid stained underwear, but thankfully our kids have passed on these fashions.

Home for lunch.

Then walk into town for a chance to walk across the famous old Heidelberg Bridge.

Another stroll around town and stop for a Paulaner – one of Germanys finest beers. Yes, forgive me FSM for I have sinned yet again. Drinking before 17:00 but it would have been a sin to pass up on such a fine beer.

At last a Babel Fish, automatic translation, without having to stuff a wriggling fish in my ear. Why bother to learn a language, apart from keeping Alzheimers at bay, when you have awesome technology like the Google translate app. Type, speak or even photograph text with your camera and hey presto instant translation. How awesome is that almost makes up for all the crap IT we suffer.

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Up early and say good bye to Heidelberg and we’re off down to Innsbruck.

Well crap a dead cat I’ve just discovered we need one of these vignette thingies to drive on Austrian motorways. So much for the EU, a €8.80 rip off. Hopefully we charge Austrians £17.60 to drive on our roads. Makes sense to me but I won’t be holding my breath.

It’s a 5 hour drive through the Fern Pass. Get the roof down and enjoy the drive. Beautiful scenery and gorgeous weather but not the fastest of roads, despite my €8.80 investment.

Arrive at our Ibis hotel smack in the centre of Innsbruck. Have a pleasant wander around the old town. Very picturesque with some awesome buildings.

Stop for a well deserved coffee and Darjeeling for Frau Edwards. But what does Johnny Foreigner know about making tea, served with cream as usual, Frau Edwards is tut tuting again.

Have dinner in a typical street cafe in the old town. The weather is awesome and we’re adapting well to this European street cafe culture.

What a tasty bit of crackling. No I’m not talking about the young waitress in leder hosen, I’m talking about real crackling on my pork, with pretzel dumplings and sauerkraut. It must be the last century since I had crackling. Whatever happened to it? Is it more EU nonsense? Or is it Islam? Proper Austrian food, but alas no kaiserschmarren or germknodel, so we’re off in search of it and another excellent beer.

Have yet another beer at another street cafe and do a bit of people watching. It’s a perfect spot for capturing the narcissists with their selfies, it’s like a magnet for them.

Well just getting into this German Sprachen after 50 years and tomorrow we say goodbye and hello Italy. Sadly I’ll be the typical Brit abroad, armed with my Google Translate and not speaking a word of Italian – what do you mean you don’t speak English. I’m confused enough with French and German.

Shuffle back to the hotel for Question Time and an early night.

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Trip Advisor Review – Our Ibis Innsbruck Hotel was good.

Handy underground car park which was ideal as the hotel was in the city centre. Great location for a walk around the old town.

Room was modern, clean, comfortable and all round ok. Sadly the bed would probably be described as firm. Typical German, like sleeping on a concrete floor. Wendy was disgusted that there were no drinks making facilities in the room or 24 hour tea and coffee in the lobby.

Wifi was a disgrace, with the usual password nonsense. Slower than a knackered donkey with two broken legs, but yet again you can pay extra for a faster response. Another money grabbing scheme. Fortunately you could use the electricity or taps without having to enter a password every time you used them or pay extra for a anything other than a dribble of water or a candle light from the light bulbs. Too kind. When will hotels get the message and treat wifi like an essential utility.

Breakfast was good and had an awesome waffle maker.

Set off for our drive to Padua, Italy. Awesome scenery as we drive through the Brenner Pass. Pity about the downpour and having to pay for a toll road.

Arrive at out Padova Hotel after a 4 hour drive and have a lazy afternoon to recover. At least there’s tea and coffee making facilities. Search for somewhere to eat but none of the local restaurants open until 19:00, a tad late for us geriatrics. Decide to eat in the hotel.

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Friday – warm and sunny

After enduring 6 weeks at home, although I have to admit the weather has been pretty good, we finally reached escape velocity on our mission to be in the EU on UK INDEPENDENCE day 24th June and to witness the start of the collapse of the EU – ever the optimist. Bring it on. “Edwards Into Europe”, following in the footsteps of Henry Root of “Root into Europe” fame.

We’re all packed up with essential victuals to survive foreign gastronomy with baked beans; bananas, the curved variety, always a 5 star health rating item with their award winning tamper proof packaging; Starbucks coffee.

My wardrobes packed and ready. Expecting warm weather and needing to maintain a British standard for sartorial elegance, so 3 pairs of shorts; sandals; 7 pairs of black socks to grace the sandals with; 3 factor 50 knotted white hankies to keep the sun from bleaching my hair; oh and I nearly forgot a pair of black braces.

Meet our American home exchangers and do a hurried 1 hour orientation. It’s their first home exchange. Their eyes glaze over as we explain how various things like the alarm system work. When it come to our so called “SMART TV”, which requires a Phd in human computer interactions just to turn it on, we point them in the direction of the 2 inch thick manual and wish them well. No doubt by the end of their fortnight they’ll have managed to turn the sound up.

Then it’s a 2 hour drive over to Hull. So much better than having to drive 7 hours to Portsmouth. Although we’re reminded in just under a hundred miles how many road works and traffic jams can be crammed into such a short distance if you really try. My votes been cast for BREXIT but if remaining in the EU could guarantee good roads and no traffic jams I’d almost, but not quite, be tempted to become a REMAINDER.

PO ferry from Hull is so much more civilised than Brittany Ferries. 5 minute queue to check in then you drive straight onto the ferry, no hanging around for hours.

Our cabins got bunk bed so by the time I’ve put on me crampons and ascended to the top bunk I’ve got a nose bleed. Time to change cabins. End up with twin bedded ocean views cabin – wot no balcony cabins. My god I do spoil her in doors, this is the first of 4 cruises this year.

Sit in the bar munching our butties. Ships full of geriatric hairy bikers. No doubt disembarking will be the usual cacophony of gunned engines to compensate for their minuscule penis’s as they rev up their phallic symbols to rupture the eardrums of everyone on the car deck. Joy!

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Saturday – hot and sunny. With a monsoon of thunderstorms and some rain in the afternoon.

Well here we are in the land of the EU puppet mistress, Mrs Merkel, envoys set to observe the daily habits of Johnny Foreigner in his own environment before the realisation dawns that this failed experiment, is about to collapse and there is a way out. Will there be crowds in the street celebrating BREXIT? I very much doubt it. Will they realise that this is the beginning of the end of the evil empire, not just for the UK, but for all the the citizens of Europe? Will they be glad to see the end of this failed dictatorship and relish the prospects of regaining their sovereignty and democracy? These are just some of the questions our mission will attempt to uncover.

After the vote we have 3 weeks to observe the start of the death throws of the evil empire as panic sets in, the rest of Europe wakes up and it starts to implodes in on it’s own power grabbing vanity. As we say goodbye to meters, welcome back feet and inches; goodbye to kilograms, welcome back to pounds and ounces; goodbye continental breakfast, welcome back a cholesterol special fry up.

Then on our last day we may pop in on one of the 5 megalomaniacal presidents of the evil empire, wish them well and with a smug face point them in the direction of the nearest dole office. As the gravy train hits the buffers.

Finally find our hotel in Bonn and within minutes my lucks in as this brazen young piece of eye candy asks me if I want to go with her, in front of Frau Edwards to boot. The hotels great. We have an apartment and of course there’s free wifi.

Pity about the weather as it keeps raining, but the intrepid envoys are not to be put off as we set off on foot towards the old town in the wrong direction. It really helps if you take the map with you.

Take 2, with the map, alongside a swollen Rhine towards the old town. Have a pleasant stroll in the rain around this lovely old town whose main claim to fame seems to be that Beethoven lived here and it used to be the capital of Germany. Boy it’s so close. Come across a Starbucks. Ah but they can’t accept a UK Starbucks app – and they think they’re a Worldwide brand! Then retire to an old pub for a few Kolsch beers and some tea (dinner to any Southern softies), typical German food. Awesome.
I’d forgot how good these brewmasters are. I don’t think I’ll be wasting any of my so called “daily units” on wine, when there’s all these tasty biers to be had.

For Frau Edwards there’s a Kartoffel Kloesse (Potato Dumplings) recipe to add to her repertoire.

Well what are our early impressions of Germany this time round. Doesn’t seem quite as swish as Holland when driving through. 200 miles and 3 hours to get to Bonn from Rotterdam. Sure there were a few road works but they didn’t cause any hold ups and not a single traffic jam the whole way. Driving on the autobahns is fast, lane discipline is good, your rear view mirrors your most precious piece of equipment and you need your wits about you.

Bonn’s a quaint old town, with a modern and swish new town, but with some beggars around and can’t help noticing a Muslim presence, although nowhere like Blackburn, not a black bin liner in site.

Amazing really you go to France and your lucky to get a toilet seat, more likely a hole in the ground, yet Germany and Holland has awesome and clean facilities.

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Sunday – hot and sunny. With a monsoon of thunderstorms and some rain in the afternoon.

Trip Advisor Review – The ANTics in our Hotel.

Room was clean, comfortable and all round excellent, a full service apartment complete with sitting area, desk and kitchen. Bathroom even had one of those thingy’s for washing your feet in.

Wifi was excellent, but with the usual password nonsense. Fortunately you could use any of the electricity or taps without having to enter a password every time you used them.

Location was fine. A half hour walk to the old town. Convenient underground car park.

Breakfast was one of the best ever, an amazing choice of items.

Only downside was the room had its own formicarium – ant farm. With ants in the kitchen that got into some of our essential survival rations and meant they were wasted – fortunately tins of baked beans and bananas survived. When we complained receptionist seemed clueless at handling a complaint. On paying the bill I asked what they were going to do about the ant situation. She offered me free parking. Wow I was bowled over with gratitude. Told her this wasn’t satisfactory, my wife had spent half an hour assassinating and burying the ants. As usual the receptionist was not empowered to deal with some compensation and had to spend 10 minutes on the phone getting authority to compensate. Eventually offered 26 euro discount, which we accepted as by now we’d lost the will to live, but the whole incident spoilt what was a 5 star stay

Had a pleasant drive down the Rhine gorge. It certainly is gorgeous. Stopped off for coffee at Koblenz and had a sunny stroll along the Rhine and Mosel and then around the old town. The place was teaming with tourists and 4 river cruises in town. But despite this wonderful opportunity for commerce it seems your German shopkeeper has been infected with the French disease of feckless laziness. All the shops were shut.

Drive down the rest of the Rhine gorge to Bingen. Sit at a level crossing for 20 minutes, along with a crowd and other cars, waiting for every train in Germany to trundle by. How very tolerant they all are. I’m ready to tie the stationmaster to the tracks.

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Monday – hot and sunny. With a monsoon of thunderstorms and some rain in theafternoon.

Trip Advisor Review – Our 4 star Hotel was just ok.

Room was cramped but clean, comfortable and all round ok, complete with a balcony with an obstructed view of the Rhine and vineyards. Wendy was disgusted that there were no drinks making facilities in the room or 24 hour tea and coffee in the lobby.

Wifi was a disgrace, with the usual password nonsense. Slower than a knackered donkey with two broken legs, but you can pay extra for a faster response. Another money grabbing scheme. Fortunately you could use the electricity or taps without having to enter a password every time you used them or pay extra for a anything other than a dribble of water or a candle light from the light bulbs. Too kind. When will hotels get the message and treat wifi like an essential utility.

Breakfast was good, and a great location with views over the Rhine gorge and the vineyards.

All this way to Bingen Am Rhein and the Hotel has the aussergewohnlich audacity to serve Becks, have they no pride in their awesome range of beers in Germany – shameless. Looked at the menu, with a view to dinner in the restaurant overlooking the Rhine, but with a pathetic pricey menu that a 3 year old could have prepared we pass, bread and water would have been more enticing. You have to be joking.

I’d always made a point of staying in NH hotels in Amsterdam on business, and enjoyed them, but this place was a let down. Overall I would probably have given it a 3 star but the wifi was just the straw that broke the camels back so they get a punitive 1 star.

Never mind we found a restaurant that served some proper Reinheitsgebot and some traditional food. Mixed meat and cheese plate with bread and dripping – reminds me of the good old days when I was a lad, perhaps they’ll serve sugar butties for sweet or cornflakes in tea.

Set off down to Ruddesheim. We could have caught the car ferry across but decided to drive down to the bridge. Wow what a lovely little town it was. I so wished we had stayed there rather than Bingen. Lots of typical small hotels and eating places serving great beers. Very picturesque. Spent a good two hours wandering around. Stopped for coffee and asked for an Americana, instead they bring a Ruddesheim coffee which consists of coffee, a small bottle of Asbach brandy and a plate of whipped cream to go on top – gross. Rejected.

The Asbach brewery is just on the outskirts so we both get quite excited about a factory tour. Alas it’s Monday and the mighty German powerhouse has truly got the French lazy bug – closed Sundays AND Mondays. Never mind perhaps another time.

Drive down to Wiesbaden and stop for lunch and a couple of hours stroll around. A pleasant busy town. Starbucks are the usual disgrace in that they don’t accept their very own App for payment and wifi doesn’t work.

Drive down to Heidelberg to our VRBO home for the next 4 nights. All very clean and comfortable. Once we’re settled in, after nearly dying lugging a 20 stone suitcase up the stairs, we drive down to Aldi for some victuals. What a shock this German Aldi was. A brand new store but even I noticed it was not a patch of an English Aldi. No way would they be Which best UK supermarket if they were like this one and with such a limited range of foods. However they do have an awesome bread machine, up to 12 different choices of bread, press button and out pops a warms loaf or roll, but better still can you believe it Krombacher Pils just £0.80 for a 0.5 Litre, admittedly in a can which is a sin, but just another example of rip off Britain.

Good start to our stay as we watch yet another EU debate the wifi quits. Is it some sort of electric field I exude that always seems to result in Internet problems. Why is it so difficult to have quiet enjoyment of the Internet. If it’s not wifi, it’s BBC inlayer, if it’s not that it’s my VPN playing up, if it’s not that it yet another shoddy web page that was written by a pimply 12 year old who had no common sense and not a jot of interest in testing it. For gods sake when will this industry grow up and deliver a service. Finally wifi gets fixed and is back to 40Mbps. Let’s hope it stays like that.

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