20160603 – Mission To Europe Ready For BREXIT

Friday – warm and sunny

After enduring 6 weeks at home, although I have to admit the weather has been pretty good, we finally reached escape velocity on our mission to be in the EU on UK INDEPENDENCE day 24th June and to witness the start of the collapse of the EU – ever the optimist. Bring it on. “Edwards Into Europe”, following in the footsteps of Henry Root of “Root into Europe” fame.

We’re all packed up with essential victuals to survive foreign gastronomy with baked beans; bananas, the curved variety, always a 5 star health rating item with their award winning tamper proof packaging; Starbucks coffee.

My wardrobes packed and ready. Expecting warm weather and needing to maintain a British standard for sartorial elegance, so 3 pairs of shorts; sandals; 7 pairs of black socks to grace the sandals with; 3 factor 50 knotted white hankies to keep the sun from bleaching my hair; oh and I nearly forgot a pair of black braces.

Meet our American home exchangers and do a hurried 1 hour orientation. It’s their first home exchange. Their eyes glaze over as we explain how various things like the alarm system work. When it come to our so called “SMART TV”, which requires a Phd in human computer interactions just to turn it on, we point them in the direction of the 2 inch thick manual and wish them well. No doubt by the end of their fortnight they’ll have managed to turn the sound up.

Then it’s a 2 hour drive over to Hull. So much better than having to drive 7 hours to Portsmouth. Although we’re reminded in just under a hundred miles how many road works and traffic jams can be crammed into such a short distance if you really try. My votes been cast for BREXIT but if remaining in the EU could guarantee good roads and no traffic jams I’d almost, but not quite, be tempted to become a REMAINDER.

PO ferry from Hull is so much more civilised than Brittany Ferries. 5 minute queue to check in then you drive straight onto the ferry, no hanging around for hours.

Our cabins got bunk bed so by the time I’ve put on me crampons and ascended to the top bunk I’ve got a nose bleed. Time to change cabins. End up with twin bedded ocean views cabin – wot no balcony cabins. My god I do spoil her in doors, this is the first of 4 cruises this year.

Sit in the bar munching our butties. Ships full of geriatric hairy bikers. No doubt disembarking will be the usual cacophony of gunned engines to compensate for their minuscule penis’s as they rev up their phallic symbols to rupture the eardrums of everyone on the car deck. Joy!

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Saturday – hot and sunny. With a monsoon of thunderstorms and some rain in the afternoon.

Well here we are in the land of the EU puppet mistress, Mrs Merkel, envoys set to observe the daily habits of Johnny Foreigner in his own environment before the realisation dawns that this failed experiment, is about to collapse and there is a way out. Will there be crowds in the street celebrating BREXIT? I very much doubt it. Will they realise that this is the beginning of the end of the evil empire, not just for the UK, but for all the the citizens of Europe? Will they be glad to see the end of this failed dictatorship and relish the prospects of regaining their sovereignty and democracy? These are just some of the questions our mission will attempt to uncover.

After the vote we have 3 weeks to observe the start of the death throws of the evil empire as panic sets in, the rest of Europe wakes up and it starts to implodes in on it’s own power grabbing vanity. As we say goodbye to meters, welcome back feet and inches; goodbye to kilograms, welcome back to pounds and ounces; goodbye continental breakfast, welcome back a cholesterol special fry up.

Then on our last day we may pop in on one of the 5 megalomaniacal presidents of the evil empire, wish them well and with a smug face point them in the direction of the nearest dole office. As the gravy train hits the buffers.

Finally find our hotel in Bonn and within minutes my lucks in as this brazen young piece of eye candy asks me if I want to go with her, in front of Frau Edwards to boot. The hotels great. We have an apartment and of course there’s free wifi.

Pity about the weather as it keeps raining, but the intrepid envoys are not to be put off as we set off on foot towards the old town in the wrong direction. It really helps if you take the map with you.

Take 2, with the map, alongside a swollen Rhine towards the old town. Have a pleasant stroll in the rain around this lovely old town whose main claim to fame seems to be that Beethoven lived here and it used to be the capital of Germany. Boy it’s so close. Come across a Starbucks. Ah but they can’t accept a UK Starbucks app – and they think they’re a Worldwide brand! Then retire to an old pub for a few Kolsch beers and some tea (dinner to any Southern softies), typical German food. Awesome.
I’d forgot how good these brewmasters are. I don’t think I’ll be wasting any of my so called “daily units” on wine, when there’s all these tasty biers to be had.

For Frau Edwards there’s a Kartoffel Kloesse (Potato Dumplings) recipe to add to her repertoire.

Well what are our early impressions of Germany this time round. Doesn’t seem quite as swish as Holland when driving through. 200 miles and 3 hours to get to Bonn from Rotterdam. Sure there were a few road works but they didn’t cause any hold ups and not a single traffic jam the whole way. Driving on the autobahns is fast, lane discipline is good, your rear view mirrors your most precious piece of equipment and you need your wits about you.

Bonn’s a quaint old town, with a modern and swish new town, but with some beggars around and can’t help noticing a Muslim presence, although nowhere like Blackburn, not a black bin liner in site.

Amazing really you go to France and your lucky to get a toilet seat, more likely a hole in the ground, yet Germany and Holland has awesome and clean facilities.

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Sunday – hot and sunny. With a monsoon of thunderstorms and some rain in the afternoon.

Trip Advisor Review – The ANTics in our Hotel.

Room was clean, comfortable and all round excellent, a full service apartment complete with sitting area, desk and kitchen. Bathroom even had one of those thingy’s for washing your feet in.

Wifi was excellent, but with the usual password nonsense. Fortunately you could use any of the electricity or taps without having to enter a password every time you used them.

Location was fine. A half hour walk to the old town. Convenient underground car park.

Breakfast was one of the best ever, an amazing choice of items.

Only downside was the room had its own formicarium – ant farm. With ants in the kitchen that got into some of our essential survival rations and meant they were wasted – fortunately tins of baked beans and bananas survived. When we complained receptionist seemed clueless at handling a complaint. On paying the bill I asked what they were going to do about the ant situation. She offered me free parking. Wow I was bowled over with gratitude. Told her this wasn’t satisfactory, my wife had spent half an hour assassinating and burying the ants. As usual the receptionist was not empowered to deal with some compensation and had to spend 10 minutes on the phone getting authority to compensate. Eventually offered 26 euro discount, which we accepted as by now we’d lost the will to live, but the whole incident spoilt what was a 5 star stay

Had a pleasant drive down the Rhine gorge. It certainly is gorgeous. Stopped off for coffee at Koblenz and had a sunny stroll along the Rhine and Mosel and then around the old town. The place was teaming with tourists and 4 river cruises in town. But despite this wonderful opportunity for commerce it seems your German shopkeeper has been infected with the French disease of feckless laziness. All the shops were shut.

Drive down the rest of the Rhine gorge to Bingen. Sit at a level crossing for 20 minutes, along with a crowd and other cars, waiting for every train in Germany to trundle by. How very tolerant they all are. I’m ready to tie the stationmaster to the tracks.

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Monday – hot and sunny. With a monsoon of thunderstorms and some rain in theafternoon.

Trip Advisor Review – Our 4 star Hotel was just ok.

Room was cramped but clean, comfortable and all round ok, complete with a balcony with an obstructed view of the Rhine and vineyards. Wendy was disgusted that there were no drinks making facilities in the room or 24 hour tea and coffee in the lobby.

Wifi was a disgrace, with the usual password nonsense. Slower than a knackered donkey with two broken legs, but you can pay extra for a faster response. Another money grabbing scheme. Fortunately you could use the electricity or taps without having to enter a password every time you used them or pay extra for a anything other than a dribble of water or a candle light from the light bulbs. Too kind. When will hotels get the message and treat wifi like an essential utility.

Breakfast was good, and a great location with views over the Rhine gorge and the vineyards.

All this way to Bingen Am Rhein and the Hotel has the aussergewohnlich audacity to serve Becks, have they no pride in their awesome range of beers in Germany – shameless. Looked at the menu, with a view to dinner in the restaurant overlooking the Rhine, but with a pathetic pricey menu that a 3 year old could have prepared we pass, bread and water would have been more enticing. You have to be joking.

I’d always made a point of staying in NH hotels in Amsterdam on business, and enjoyed them, but this place was a let down. Overall I would probably have given it a 3 star but the wifi was just the straw that broke the camels back so they get a punitive 1 star.

Never mind we found a restaurant that served some proper Reinheitsgebot and some traditional food. Mixed meat and cheese plate with bread and dripping – reminds me of the good old days when I was a lad, perhaps they’ll serve sugar butties for sweet or cornflakes in tea.

Set off down to Ruddesheim. We could have caught the car ferry across but decided to drive down to the bridge. Wow what a lovely little town it was. I so wished we had stayed there rather than Bingen. Lots of typical small hotels and eating places serving great beers. Very picturesque. Spent a good two hours wandering around. Stopped for coffee and asked for an Americana, instead they bring a Ruddesheim coffee which consists of coffee, a small bottle of Asbach brandy and a plate of whipped cream to go on top – gross. Rejected.

The Asbach brewery is just on the outskirts so we both get quite excited about a factory tour. Alas it’s Monday and the mighty German powerhouse has truly got the French lazy bug – closed Sundays AND Mondays. Never mind perhaps another time.

Drive down to Wiesbaden and stop for lunch and a couple of hours stroll around. A pleasant busy town. Starbucks are the usual disgrace in that they don’t accept their very own App for payment and wifi doesn’t work.

Drive down to Heidelberg to our VRBO home for the next 4 nights. All very clean and comfortable. Once we’re settled in, after nearly dying lugging a 20 stone suitcase up the stairs, we drive down to Aldi for some victuals. What a shock this German Aldi was. A brand new store but even I noticed it was not a patch of an English Aldi. No way would they be Which best UK supermarket if they were like this one and with such a limited range of foods. However they do have an awesome bread machine, up to 12 different choices of bread, press button and out pops a warms loaf or roll, but better still can you believe it Krombacher Pils just £0.80 for a 0.5 Litre, admittedly in a can which is a sin, but just another example of rip off Britain.

Good start to our stay as we watch yet another EU debate the wifi quits. Is it some sort of electric field I exude that always seems to result in Internet problems. Why is it so difficult to have quiet enjoyment of the Internet. If it’s not wifi, it’s BBC inlayer, if it’s not that it’s my VPN playing up, if it’s not that it yet another shoddy web page that was written by a pimply 12 year old who had no common sense and not a jot of interest in testing it. For gods sake when will this industry grow up and deliver a service. Finally wifi gets fixed and is back to 40Mbps. Let’s hope it stays like that.

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