Tony & Wendy's Travel Blog

Lazy morning then we drive up to Siesta Key for a food and music festival. Parking’s a nightmare, free spaces rarer than a lap dancing bar in Tehran, so we park about a mile down the beach and walk back up the beach. As expected no American would risk life and limb walking this far.

It’s free music but food is greasy and expensive, although the paella looks enticing. We pass and just listen to the music and drink our water. My god it’s hot.

On the way home we call at Starbucks for afternoon tea and some cake to feed Wendy who is that hungry she could eat a grizzly bear fur sandwich.

Evenings just more Game of Thrones and Veep.

Decide on some culture today, set off to the Ringling museum in Sarasota. The art museums free on a Monday but we lash out and pay for the circus museum. They have an amazing miniature circus covers a massive area with amazing attention to detail. That along with circus memorabilia and some videos brings back memories of how good circuses used to be when we were kids. Sadly no more.

Then we have our exotic picnic by Sarasota bay. The gardens and grounds here are quite stunning. Oh how the rich lived.

Visit the art museum, much to Wendy’s disgust. I have to say the majority of the paintings in there are depressing. I wouldn’t even use them to wrap my chips in. There are some good photographic displays. One is particularly good on America and the War in the middle east.

In the evening we meet up with Pat and Steve, friends of Jerry and Diane, and have some drinks and an evening meal. Have a pleasant evening and it’s always good to meet up with new people, surprising the similarities between us all. Meet in an interesting sports bar, foods a tad basic and unlike most of these bars in the movies there’s no pole dancers. Now I love American junk fund, but come on fried Mac and cheese or fried Ravioli has to be the product of the mind of a degenerate chef. Try the fried Mac and Cheese, think I’ll stick with the original.

After our usual leisurely morning we have a great bike ride down the Legacy Trail. As I suspected we didn’t make it all the way to Sarasota. A whining numb bum struck after 7.5 miles, but at least that meant we did 15 miles, an improvement on last weeks 12 miles. Amazing isn’t it, I stop for a pee in the woods and within seconds the whole world turns up as two cars arrive in the most inaccessible two different places you can imagine – unbelievable. Perverts. Is there no peace, is nothing sacred anymore. With my luck it’s a wonder it wasn’t an American pipe band or the local cheer leaders out for a run.

On the way back we call in at the Daiquiri Raw Bar for some drinks. It’s happy hour so Wendy gets two Daiquiris for the price of one. She’s obviously taking this training to be an alcoholic very seriously as she asks for an extra shot of rum. The corruption of the English language continues unabated with “happy houring”.

While Wendy kindly packs I toddle off down to Siesta Key for a spot of kayaking.

Awesome morning kayaking around Siesta Key. Birds galore, including Ospreys and Herons, but best of all is a squadron of 16 pelicans coming into land on an island. They perch on trees and keep a suspicious eye on me. Alas no dolphins of manatees.

Hot and sunny as I contemplate that 48 hours from now we’ll be back in the frozen wastelands.

In the afternoon we have a stroll into town to maraud around the few shops there is. Wendy passes on a happy hour Daiquiri.

For my last supper here in Venice I get a real treat. It’s a dipped Chicago beef sandwich here at America’s equivalent of the greasy spoon cafe on steroids. Proper gourmet food, a cholesterol special. But never let it be said that I’m not into healthy eating as I only have it single dipped into mouth watering gravy, rather than the true epicureans double dipped.

The red neck bearded, toothless clientele of this place, look like they just escaped from the civil war in Georgia, seem delightful as they swill down pinkie water from heavy frozen fighting jars. I was tempted to open a discussion on the nats urine they serve over here labelled as beer, but prefer my front and back teeth the way they are.

Up and out by 09:30 for a drive back up to Orlando airport.

Apart from having to wait for the Virgin checkin to open, we’re TSA pre-checked and so it’s a pretty smooth process. Amazing, Virgin customer service score again. No indication what time check-in opens. There are staff there but can they be bothered serving. Keep everyone waiting without as much as a nod or bye your leave. Then suddenly there’s about 12 agents with nothing much to do. Does it never occur to them they could put a couple of staff on early and then add more later, plus little sign indicating what time check-in opens – wouldn’t stretch the budgets or common sense too far. Mind you the signs over the check-in desk said Emirates, that’ll confuse the punters and have them wandering around the airport looking for Virgin. Customer service as crap as ever.

Nice lounge as we’ve a long wait, but the booze helps pass the time. Sat on plane for two hours delay while they sort out paperwork and get a high tech solution like a dip stick to see how much fuel they have in their tanks! Food as appalling as ever. Thankfully my sleeping tablets and a few glasses of wine make the flight snore by. Although the woman sat next to me is a tad concerned when I nod off with a glass of red wine in my hand.

Land in Manchester about an hour late. Then it’s a cock up with the luggage as the cargo bay doors are frozen. I don’t believe it. Obviously Manchester being in the tropics this sort of thing never normally occurs.

Arrive home to snow in Belthorn.

Lazy morning as usual, getting used to our new home, it’s very comfortable and great wifi. Also chance to play with my new toy the iPhone 10. It’s awesome, fast and the facial recognition is so fast, even quicker than finger print Id. Recognises me with or without glass, hat and even if I smile, but screw my face or lips up and it fails.

Get an urgent call from our hosts warning us about the coyotes that roam around here, apparently there’s a few congregate across the road from us. Seems like it’s a well known problem in Venice. Advised not to wander the streets at night, like we did last night. Given this countries love of guns I’m gob smacked that they’ve not all been massacred.

Decide to have a stroll around the island, it’s really not that big and of course we happen to come across some shops. It’s quite interesting watching Wendy shop. To give her due she tends to ignore expensive clothes shops, doesn’t even give them a glance. But see a clothes rail with the word sale or 25%+ off and she swoops down on it like a frenzied kamikaze pilot. Whereas my shopping is a lot more focused, if I’m looking for something then I’ll go in any of the more expensive shops. Style and quality matter.

Our new home is very well equipped and a home from home but like most American homes it doesn’t have a kettle. Boil water in a pan and try to pour it into a cup or coffee filter without scalding yourself. Decide on a cheap electric kettle from Walmart. Get it home and the on off button doesn’t work properly. Never mind some string holds it down, stuff them we’ll take it back at the end of our stay.

Off down to Sarasota. Have lunch – butties – on the harbour, followed by a stroll around the harbour and then the old down. Wendy’s orgasmic as she’s seen a Wholefoods, similar to me seeing an Apple store. As a treat we go into Wholefoods.

Then we drive down to Armends Circle, a posh up market area of Sarasota. Even the 3G wifi’s better down there. Stroll around the shops and a Starbucks at the circle with some people watching.

Then I get my treat as we head off to the Apple store at the UTC Mall. Wow this Mall is awesome – see pictures. The whole shopping area is impressive. I buy a pair of AirPods, the ultimate nerds gizmo. Expensive but impressive, my Christmas present from Wendy – now we’re both sorted for Christmas. My only concern is will one drop out and me not notice. Apparently all the reviews say they’re pretty good if you’ve got the right shaped ear. If not I suppose we could always resort to superglue.

Sarasota such a lovely city but sadly there’s nothing of interest on in the theatres or concerts at this time of year.

Back to Venice and we’re going out for dinner a real treat for us poor retired folk. Go to Sharky’s at Venice pier, nice location and great for the sunset. Pity about the food. Everything just battered to death and greasy as a Brylcream butty. Disappointing. Mind you we’re not really into eating out. Have a few awesome Dark and Stormies when we get home.

Very lazy morning playing with my AirPods. They’re awesome and clever. Great for talking to Siri too.

Set off to the Oscar Scherer State Park. Supposed to have some good bird life. All very pleasant and we have a nice stroll – I manage to get my +30 minutes exercise in on my Apple watch much to Wendy’s intense annoyance – she can’t believe it, “how come you get it and I don’t”.

Have lunch overlooking the lake but alas no gators. Only see one bird, an Osprey.

No really that much there.

Call in at Publix’s and then it’s afternoon tea in the rocking chairs on the porch.

Off down to Siesta Key. I rent a kayak and toddle off kayaking around Siesta Key for a couple of hours, whilst Wendy explores the shops and rides the free trolley around Siesta Key.

Then we call in at the biggest liquor store we’ve ever seen – Total Wine. Although they’re not that cheap. Buy a miniature Woodford Reserve to try, last of the big spenders. Then Wendy explores Sprouts – it’s a Wholefoods lookalike store.

Meet up with Dennis and Nancy – past home exchangers from Sarasota. Have a great afternoon catching up with them and putting the World to rights. It’s amazing how similar our views are and hate political correctness.

Bye the way Woodford Reserve is very nice, think I’ll invest in that for home.

Usual lazy start.

Off down to Myakka State Park, one of the biggest State Parks in the USA. Have our extravagant picnic and then wander around to see the wildlife. Plenty of birds, including a bald eagle, sandhill cranes, and even Gators around, but you don’t have to worry they mainly feed at night and have only one ginormous meal a week and then spend the rest of the week digesting it. Explore the nature trail and climb the canopy tower for awesome views. Boy does it sway around.

Call in at publix for a fish medley for tea – prawns, tuna, sushi and lobster tails. Very nice, although my lobster tail seems to have shrunk to the size of a anorexic shrimp. A couple of Dark and Stormies to wash it down with.

Lazy morning. Hire a couple of bikes, great service they deliver them to our door. Two great 21 speed hybrid bikes, complete with helmets, locks and basket.

Take a tour around the island on the Venetian Waterway Park, along the Inland waterway and then the sea front. About 12 miles around the island. Most of it on a dedicated cycle path. Stop for our luxury picnic about half way round – Wendy’s bums numb. Then we stop at the fishing pier for a drink at Sharky’s. Wendy gets to sample 5 different daiquiri’s – free – how neat is that. End’s up having the pina colada. I commit a sin by drinking before 17:00. New philosophy, I’m going to try white wines when I’m out, a good way of getting to know whites without having to commit to a full bottle. First one’s a Chardonay. Have to admit I quite like it. Sheer luxury having a drink, in the sun by the sea, thinking about how cold and miserable it is back home.

A great ride in awesome weather. How lucky can you be.

Then it’s back hone for afternoon tea in rocking chairs on the porch. Kindle time and watching the World go by.

Decide we’ll have a lazy day, Wendy has to shop and tonight it’s the Christmas boat parade.

Guy comes by to collect our bikes. We ask him to deliver us some on Tuesday. A real nice guy, who apparently loves the English, didn’t mention the Welsh or the jocks, he tells us to keep them until Tuesday all for $20. Now thats a great deal.

Go to the boat parade on our bikes. It’s supposed to start by 18:00, so we have an early tea. By 19:15, still no sign of it, we’ve lost the will to live and vote with our feet. What a pity everyone didn’t do that. Teach them a lesson.

Back home for some more Game Of Thrones and a bottle of wine. I really must stop drinking a full bottle and limit myself to just half.

As usual a lazy start to the day. Then as it’s forecast rain we decide to suffer the Outlet store shopping expedition for Kurt’s top today rather than later in the week.

Then Wendy notices her new toy is no longer showing the time when she raises her wrist. Check all the settings, but alas it’s still kaput. Oh well better pop down to the Mall and return it whilst we’re up here. 9 miles later we’re back at the Apple store. A very relaxed and laid back Apple guy tries, checks the settings and it still doesn’t work. He’s just about to replace the watch as faulty when he remembers Theatre Mode, which turns off the screen on wrist rise. Yes, sure enough Wendy must have caught the setting for this. Take it out of Theatre Mode and all is ok.

And the moral of that story is go check on the Internet before wasting time and petrol.

The evening’s spent with a few “Dark and Stormies” and more sex and nudity scenes from the Game of Thrones.

Lazy morning as usual and then we drive up to Wekiva Springs for a picnic and walk.

I thought so, we’ve been here before, back in 2010. It’s all very picturesque and the water is tempting for a swim – 72F apparently – but I give it a miss. Don’t see any gators in there. After lunch we go for a walk but it’s so boring and lifeless we head back after a mile. At last the Circle B Bar is teaming with life.

For a bit of variety we avoid the toll road on the way back and spot the Oakland Nature Reserve. Looks interesting so perhaps we’ll save that for another day.

Lazy morning and it’s raining on and off. By 14:00 it seems to have stopped and we’re chomping at the bit to go somewhere.

I have a plan. We drive down to Celebration; order one of those awesome looking stromboli’s; go for a power walk around the lake – gets the Exercise level up on our watches; have a leisurely starbucks sat in the rocking chairs, watching the lake go by; pick up my Stromboli; and go home. What an exciting life we lead.

The Stromboli is massive, packed with meat, pepperoni and cheese, with a great crust. Awesome. It’s an alcohol free night. Watch Game Of Thrones, can you believe there’s a whole episode with no nudity and sex. What is the World coming to, perhaps it’s time to give it up. We’ll soldier on and said we’ll endure the first season before making a final decision. Have to say it’s very good overall and you soon manage to put the crappy dungeons and dragons aspect of it behind you.

Lazy morning then off to Oakland Nature Reserve for a walk and hoping to see some wildlife. This is a lovely free nature reserve, but sadly hurricane Irma has destroyed part of the boardwalk down to the lake so we can’t do that. Have lunch on the deck their in some lovely old rocking chairs, all very pleasant. Feel like the Clampits. Don’t really get to see much wildlife apart from a randy Gopher Tortoise whose head starts bobbing up and down in a horny courtship display. Then a female arrives on the scene and before you know it he’s trying to mount her – who says you need to watch Game Of Thrones for exciting sex scenes. Sadly the females got a headache and kicks sand in his face.

Because gopher tortoises share their burrows with more than 350 other species they are referred to as a keystone species. The presence of gopher tortoises indicates whether a habitat is suitable not only for tortoises but other species, as well. Some of the species known to share their burrows include the Florida mouse, burrowing owl, gopher frog, and eastern indigo snake. As the primary burrow-builder in its ecosystem, the gopher tortoise is very important to maintaining the structure, composition and populations within an ecological community. Similar to the role of a keystone in an arch, an ecosystem may experience a dramatic shift if a keystone species is removed. Conversely, an increase in the number of tortoises is evidence of sufficient food and shelter for reproduction, and when the tortoises are thriving, so are many other species.

We then call in at Lake Louisa State Park and have a leisurely stroll down to the lake. Alas very little wildlife apart from a Gopher Tortoise crossing the road.

Call in at Public’s for some Turkey for our Thanksgiving Dinner tomorrow. We’re not bothering going out for dinner as usual, all the Disney places are booked up and the Marriotts – who usually do a great buffet – are just too far away. Plus we’re getting tight in our old age and somewhat begrudge $150 on an all you can eat buffet that only encourages you to eat more than you need – bloody hell if we carry on like this we’ll end up as some tree hugging, liberal, PC, Bed Wetter.

In the evening it’s more Game Of Thrones. We’ve survived season 1 and really enjoyed it – the sex scenes certainly help, but the intrigue and plotting makes for a great story line – so will be watching the rest of it.

Thanksgiving Day here in the USA. Just another excuse to stuff yourselves with turkey and pie. A day when people are supposed to reflect on what they are thankful for. The most common answers seems to “Living in the greatest country in the World”. You have to give it to them for confidence and patriotism. Unlike us Brits who openly talk our country down and it’s almost considered racist to fly the Union Jack.

Lazy morning and then we set off to the Polynesian resort resort for a walk around the Disney World lagoon. The walk from the Polynesian to the Floridian is reckoned to be very picturesque. We’re told it’s a 37 minutes walk – very precise. Turns out more like 12 minutes, but there again Americans don’t walk a lot. We then enquire about walking to the Magic Kingdom. Alas we’re told we’ll get eaten by fast racing gators. There’s a nice path most of the way but we’d probably have to swim across a gator infested canal.

Never mind it’s plan B. It’s time for my treat, mono-rail to transit centre, then round trip ride on mono-rail to Epcot. It’s the nerd in me just loves riding the mono-rail, I’ll be mono-rail spotting next. Then we walk to the Polynesian.

In the evening we have our turkey dinner and an expensive bottle of Lahor Merlot from Paso Robles – one of my favourites, yes all of $12, exceeds my $10 limit. Dam me no, Wendy likes this wine and has a glass. This is not conducive to marital harmony, have to get back to the cheaper wines, which she usually turns her nose up at.

Black Friday – in the land of the mighty dollar when muppets trample other muppets for cheap goods mere hours after supposedly being “Thankful” for what they already have.

We decide to have a lazy day hunkered down whilst we pack. Avoid the chaos out there.

Joy of joys, it appears that the Apple store in Tampa has some iPhone X for store pickup and it just so happens we’re driving past Tampa for tomorrow morning. As my Mother would have said “you were meant to have it” – I don’t think she ever realised she was a dedicated Stoic. Order it for a 08:30 pickup today, knowing full well it will be tomorrow, but “computer doesn’t allow that…”. Actually turns out that the store will keep it for 21 days – unbelievable. With the excitement will I be able to sleep tonight?

Up, car loaded and out by 09:15. Apple store Tampa bound. Oh the excitement. Yes and there it is my new toy. As I want to ensure it’s unlocked and works with my 3 SIM I let them set it up and being the professional nerd test to make sure I can call and connect with mobile roaming. Yeah, it all works as promised. Lash out on a new case because surprise, surprise the old case doesn’t fit – Wendy buys it me for my Birthday.

Then it’s onwards down to Venice, that’s the one in Florida, in case anyones confused. Don’t want anyone asking how long it took to drive all the way to Italy – yes I know it sounds far fetched but we have been asked these ridiculous question before, several times, by geography masterminds, sadly always Americans!

Our new home exchange for the next 12 days. The homes lovely, spacious and comfortable. So much more homely and personable than your average VRBO. Talking of which I have to say the VRBO we’ve just spent 3 weeks in was awesome. They’d thought of absolutely everything; fantastic manual; everything you needed was there, including cots, high chair and even pushchairs; good location; clean and immaculate; everything in good condition; great themed bedrooms for the kids; nice pool; even installed a smart DNS and ROKU box to give access to UK TV. A real home from home. I would highly recommend it to anyone. Worth every penny. I really struggled to find anything to say “I don’t believe it”. The best I could come up with is the WIFI password was tortuous.

Venice is mostly on an island. It looks a lovely quaint old retirement community. Almost makes Lytham look like a Kindergarten.

Meet our hosts Judith and Joe who have kindly stayed to greet us and show us around the house before they set off. Always nice to meet your hosts, it’s a luxury we rarely have as we do few simultaneous exchanges.

There’s a Christmas parade this evening so it’s a quick dash to the supermarket, weaving our way around cordoned off streets.

Then we walk down the street to watch the Christmas light parade, all 2 hours of it. Sensible people have bought their “Deer Valley concert chairs” with them. After an hour Wendy’s whimpering about standing for so long. After 2 hours we head for home, the parades nearly finished. It’s bit like “Trick or Treat” on steroids as the kids just sit there – no exercise to burn off those sweetie calories – and the sweets are just handed to them. Best of all is the old geezer sat in front of us. Chomping away on his swag bag of sweets. He accosts everyone handing out sweets with his swag bag, a plastic carrier bag already brimming with goodies, that he thrust into their face of for his fair share of the booty. Any minute now I think he’s going to push the kid aside in a race to grab the spoils that fall on the road, fortunately he resists the temptation. A child at heart and judging by his proud stand to attention, with hat off and hand over heart when the flag passes I guess he may be a veteran and deserves them all.

Then this plonker drops his brand new iPhone. I don’t believe it. I’ve never drop my sacred device before. Thankfully we bought the case this morning so it helps it survive – no damage.

Lazy morning and then we’re off to Animal Kingdom. Our last Disney ticket day so we might as well try and see the Rivers Of Light parade.

First stop a relaxing coffee at Starbucks, one of the few places where you don’t need a FastPass. Today’s record in Animal Kingdom is 175 minutes to go on the only ride we really wanted to do – Pandora. To quote my hero “I don’t believe it”. What’s more I don’t believe anyone is stupid enough to queue that long for a 5 minute ride.

Have a pleasant dinner of macaroni cheese and pulled pork. Will have to add this to our regular menus back home – see recipes.

Rivers of light:

Lazy do nothing day. Time to breathe and relax by the pool. It’s oh so quiet now they’ve all gone home.

We’re off to the circle B bar reserve. Can you believe it’s free. No Disney marketing; no Disney animatronics or 3D; no queues; no rip off; no parking rip off fee; no extortionate entrance fee; no crowds or screaming rug rats; no need for a fast pass or a 170 minute wait to see the best that nature has to offer. Just the bipedal lesser spotted, camera and binoculars toting sweaty bird watchers, swinging their long telephoto, phallic extensions around, like some rampant teenager. Nature in all its glory with birds galore, bald eagle, herons, snakes and alligators. What more can you wish for.

Then it’s over to Disney Celebration for a relaxing Starbucks by the lake. This place really is like something out of the stepford wives. Having a relaxing Starbucks by the lake watching them decorate the Christmas tree. Yes, we know it’s only November, perhaps someone will inform the greedy gnomes on the 96th floor of the Disney marketing tower.

It’s like a California beach on steroids full of fashion obsessed yuppies strutting their stuff like peacocks on heat; with mobiles glued to their ear just in case the President should ring them; drink in hand to keep them hydrated; and the sickly grin of a smarmy, politically correct liberal. I add to the ambience by shuffling around with my Starbucks cup in hand like a true yank.

Lazy morning and then after lunch we’re off to Disney Springs, formerly Downtown Disney. Wow they’ve expanded it into a upmarket shopping area.

Another Starbucks moment down at Disney Springs while Wendy gets her retail therapy in the ginormous Disney store. Hopefully she can resist the picturesque Disney gift cards this time – subtle dig. Treat her to a new Tinkerbell necklace and ear rings for her birthday present. You can never have too many Tinkerbell necklaces.

Lazy morning trying to get synchronisation to work consistently using iCloud, Notes and iPhotos. I’m sure Apple’s caught the Microsoft virus of sloppy software.

Then we’re off down to the Boardwalk for lunch, well at least for Wendy. Try to book a meal for Thanksgiving no chance, you’d think they were “giving” it away. Have a pleasant stroll around and then set off for some excitement at the Florida Mall.

Wendy’s finally made her mind up about the Apple Watch, so I treat her to one in Rose Gold, for Christmas. She’s getting to be a real nerd these days.

Off to Winter park for a 2 hour kayak trip. Wendy has a few hours to herself perusing the shops and having lunch with all the rich bitches. Ideal day for kayaking around the lakes and canals of Winter Park. Don’t get to see much wildlife though, apart from the lesser spotted spoilt rich bipeds bobbing in and out of their lake front mega mansions.

After kayaking we get to see this awesome hawk just hanging out in the car park. Then we have a stroll back into Winter Park for a relaxing Starbucks. Everything this week is so laid back and relaxing.

Traffic on I4 is horrendous so we come back on a toll road. It’s just as bad. A one hour journey takes 2 hours. Quite interesting whiling away the time in a traffic jam with music; watching a women pluck her eyebrows; watch a hum dinger of a row, they’ll be in a divorce court tomorrow; and if all else fail, pick your nose.

Wow just a lazy, relaxing, stay by the pool sort of day. You almost feel guilty for doing nothing but just enjoying the sun. Funny we never feel guilty doing nothing at home, amazing what a bit of sun can do.

Wendy has some excitement with her weekly shop.

More Game Of Thrones in the evening. Puppies complete with chapel hat pegs, nudity and sex every 10 minutes to keep your attention. No wonder it’s so popular. It’s also a tad blood thirsty. Despite the sex scenes I seem to be warming to it, even though Knights, dungeons and dragons is not really my scene. But there is a way of avoiding 80+ hours of viewing and get the sex scene essence of Game Of Thrones in just 16 minutes. Yes, Huffington Post have kindly produced the Perverts Guide To Game Of Thrones, a 16 minute compilation of all the sex scenes and nudity – click here: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/06/17/game-of-thrones-sex-scene_n_1601883.html.

After our weeks Disney cruise we now have a week left of Disney park tickets. Oh joy more fun.

Up early and out to the Magic Kingdom. Big mistake choosing this park today. There was a 06:00 marathon and they’re filming their Disney advert. The place is rammed. 140 minutes is the record wait time. Just an indication of the greed, money for old rope. How can they fail to make money?

At least we have some Fast passes so get on the best rides apart from the Seven Dwarfs. Starbucks are just beyond hope, more customers than Muslims around the Kaba at Ramadan. Stuff them. Good day despite the crowds and managed to do some of the older rides and the train, still great rides for younger kids. Thankfully we missed It’s A Small World. At least we were not too late leaving – learning some common sense.

Decide last minute to go to the Florida Mall – Fiona’s treat and all time favourite theme park.

Take a guess as to which store in the whole of the Florida Mall is rammed full to the gunnels? Well it’s not Victorias secrets or Bose. Yes, it’s the nerds store, Apple. The Microsoft store is next door, probably hoping for some passing trade to rub off. No chance. It’s empty.

Then it’s Hollywood studios again today. Catch most of the good rides with Fast pass, including Toy story which is as good, if not better than, Buzz Light Year. Jasper goes on Tower Of Terror but does not enjoy it and is frightened.

We were thinking of staying for Fantasmic but chicken out. It’s just too late for the kids, never mind the adults. Have tea back at home, fortunately I have my Spicy Italian Subway, with an excess of jalapeños, so tomorrow no doubt my arse will be on fire.

Hal,Carol and Angela arrive to stay with us for a few days.

Jasper and Angela enjoy the pool with Kurt.

Lazy morning then we’re off to Epcot for the afternoon. My god it’s hotter than the hinges of hell and sweatier than a Water Hoggs backside.

I do yet another dive with Disney Quest in their giant Aquarium. Great dive, just 25 feet deep, warm with plenty of pretty fish and fake coral – can you believe it Disney use the fake stuff. My sort of dive these days and helps me keep my hand in at diving. As usual my ears feel like they’re going to implode and no doubt I’ll be deaf for a week. Some amazing sharks, complete with mangy teeth; colourful sting rays; giant turtles, two of which start kissing one another just in front of me – fortunately they remember it’s Disney and resist having it off. Get to do a high five with Jasper who cutely blows me kisses through the glass wall.

Then in the evening we have a makeshift meal, on the pavement, whilst waiting for the firework and light display. Very impressive, the display that is, as always.

A late night but fortunately traffic clears quickly. If this was in the UK it’d take at least a day to clear those crowd, people would die of old age in the process

Drop Kurt and Fiona off at Disney Springs, formerly Downtown Disney, no doubt some bright spark on the 94th floor of the Disney marketing building thought it would be a wonderful idea to change the name. It almost certainly cost a fortune, I doubt it has had a measured or measurable benefit, and I doubt whether the dickhead responsible has been given a brown envelope and escorted off the premises.

Wendy and I get to take Jasper to Epcot for the morning. As usual his behaviour is impeccable and we have a great morning together doing some of the less popular activities at Epcot. Including a light lab where he gets to mix colours and gets to learn that red, green and blue, the additive primary colours, makes white.

Amazing 3D animation from Disney and Pixar. Mind blowing. That good I even watched it twice.

Kurt and Fiona meet up with us for lunch.

So hot again. We start to have a wander around the Lands but give up as it’s just too hot.

Set off back home so Wendy and Fiona can go to Walmart – you’d have thought they’d have put their slippers and pyjamas on to fit in with the clientele and for such an auspicious outing. Kurt and I are left looking after the kids. Jasper and I have a whale of a time in the pool.

In the evening we have some wine and Dark and Stormy cocktails.

Fiona’s off to her theme park today with a trip to the Outlet Stores. No trip to America would be worthwhile without such a 3 hour retail therapy session. It’s Starbucks for me.

Then sadly we drop them off at the airport, complete with more luggage than a travelling circus act. Say our good byes. We’ve had an awesome time with our kids and grandkids, we’ll miss them and will be rattling around in our awesome 4 bedroomed Orlando home for the next 16 days.

Well it’s been an awesome holiday with kids and grand kids. Love them all but driving with a screaming grandkids can fray your nerves to shreds. Best holiday ever.

In the evening we have a lazy, booze free evening, and catch up on Blue Planet and the Gunpowder series.

Hal and co depart for Charlestone. So now it’s just the two of us, peace, quiet and tranquility. Time to catch up on three weeks worth of blogs, get some reading in, sort through thousands of photos and whittle them down to manageable numbers ready for a holiday album and hopefully get some reading in.

We’ve still got 3 days of Disney Park passes left so after a lazy day, we set off for the Magic Kingdom Fireworks. Arrive about 17:50, wow it’s really busy. Car park attendant asks us if we’re here for the party. “No, what party?” Park close at 18:00, no fireworks, it’s party night and yes you guessed it, it’s extra admission fee. Turn round and go home. Teach me a valuable lesson – knowledge is not just power but essential – in future check the calendar.

Never mind finish off watching Gunpowder, some TV all washed down with a very tasty Merlot.

Lazy morning and then in the afternoon we set off for the Magic Kingdom again. Too busy to get on any ride. Not queueing 60 minutes.

Have evening dinner at the Grand Floridian, all very elegant and civilised. Then back to the park for the laser, light and fireworks. It’s an hour before they’re due to start yet everywhere is already rammed.

We stand, sit and wait for 50 minutes. Can’t believe it. But have to admit it was spectacular, almost worth it. After this every firework display is going to seem insipid.

Happily Ever After media, laser and firework display:

Then this was followed by Once Upon A Time laser show at Magic Kingdom:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=iz1UgPFLRJc

Meal last night in the Royal Court was amazing. The 10 of us had the centre table and were treated like royalty. Food and service was awesome.

The show was mediocre. The sort of show to sleep through. I had the best sleep ever, on unknown women’s shoulder.

Today we’re all up pretty early for a great breakfast in Cabana followed by a day at Sea. Kids have a great day by the pool. Boy is it busy and noisy. There’s an nfestation of little, sticky fingered rugrats running a mock and screaming loud enough to pop the rivets holding this floating gin palace together. Every few hours they kick all the rug rats out the pool to test the water and look for any turds. Then when they find the inevitable turd they kick everyone out; drain the pool; send in a high pressure wash team. I pass on the pool.

Wendy attends a 3D Mickey Mouse creation activity, apparently for some perverse reason it’s for big kids, adults only. Sounds like a load of perverts, perhaps it’s a Mickey and friends Chippendales strip show with Minnie and Daisy doing a spot of pole dancing.

So much going on for the kids, it’s all go. With fantastic kids clubs but our lot don’t seem to really go for them much.

Tonights the formal night but like all American cruises the majority of people take no notice of it – at the end of the day we’re the customer paying for it.

Tonight we eat in the Animator restaurant. Every night we cycle through the 3 restaurants, so we get to try each one. Our waiters follow us. More great food and service.

As my booze has been impounded by the Disney pirates it’s an opportunity to try various whisky and whiskey. Bullit Rye is very tasty as is the Canadian Royal Rye.

We’re in Cozumel today. Must be our 3rd visit.

It’s Fiona’s 31st birthday so we give her the Rain Forrest spa experience for her and Kurt as part of her birthday gift.

As we get off there’s free mosquito repellent, along with warnings of the danger. Everyone’s getting larded up with mosquito repellent and looks like a walking slime buckets.

Mexican immigration is an interesting alternative, no armed officers checking passports and stamping dates as to how long you can stay. But there again it’s such a shit hole that I’m sure they have no problems with illegal immigrants. Instead they force you through a load of duty free shops.

Thankfully there’s a Starbucks although you need a degree in Spanish to be able to log onto the wifi – crap really when you consider that the majority of the tourist that come speak English, but no it’s just another dago country where they can’t be bothered to consider the customer.

We all have a wander round but nothing much to see really. Of course if you’re really desperate for something to do and titivate you then you can dip your feet in a tank of tropical fish – weird. Wendy buys a spider man costume for Jasper and in typical fashion manages to negotiate the price down from $20 to $7. She should try some of those tactics next time she’s at the checkout in Aldi.

Another one of those places that it’s best to do an overpriced trip or just stay on board.

Start our on board detective hunt with Devon and Jasper. It’s quite amazing and good entertainment.

They celebrate Halloween tonight with a massive kids party with Disney characters; trick and treat rewards everywhere and in the evening there’s free drinks of a cocktail or beer in the atrium. Of course most are dressed in fancy dressed costumes as part of the American Halloween, marketing and greed driven, excessive behaviour.

Have a beer before tea with everyone. Then it’s time for dinner in the Enchanted Forrest. Food and service are excellent but the place is oppressively cramped. Rather not eat in here again. Need to have a word with my Disney minder Carla when she rings us at night.

Blanton Rye Whiskey is not so good.

Today we’re in Gran Cayman. Again must be our 3rd visit. We don’t dock until later and it’s a tender in, so we have a wander into town after an early lunch. Everyone soon gets fed up with the place. Me, Wendy, Beatrix and Fiona explore a little further. But there’s no Starbucks. Find a mediocre bottle of wine I can take back on board.

We stop at the Margarita bar where we all enjoy a strawberry dakari.

Back on board I get the joy of finishing the detective hunt with Jasper. It really is a treasured experience.

Wendy and Fiona have a treat when they go to the laundrette on board. Nearly as good as a trip to the supermarket.

In the evening Kurt feeds Beatrix on our 10 seater table in the Royal court. Just the two of them.

Then we dump the kids in kid clubs while the adults, complete with Beatrix, head to our free meal (it pays to complain) at the speciality restaurant Palo. Sadly they won’t let Beatrix in so Kurt and Fiona head off to Cabana restaurant for diner while the rest of us enjoy a awesome Italian meal at Palo. Pity about our Italian waiter whose gob seems to suffer from verbal incontinence. If he doesn’t shut up soon he’s going to find his gob impaled on the sharp end of a bread role. Kurt and Fiona get to have a quiet romantic evening in Palo on Friday whilst we look after the kids and Beatrix.

Kids get presents in their room with a character blanket. Yet another benefit of complaining.

Arrive early – 07:30 – in Falmouth, Jamaica. Lazy breakfast then Wendy and I along with Kurt’s brood go ashore for a shifty around. Port area is typical shops but quite pleasant. Once you venture out of the port you do start to believe the warnings about this place being dangerous. We’ve all left watches in the safe on board. After 15 minutes we head back to the safety of the port. This place is poor and rough. More people doing an awesome impression of a badgers arse, not part of the Disney experience.

Ross and his brood stay on board around the pool.

Meet up for lunch and then afterwards it’s kids events around the ship. Oh and Wendy becomes one of the biggest kids with drawing in the Oceaner Lab and then some 3D animation.

In the evening we have yet another meet the Princesses extravaganza, as an added delight there’s a man on balcony picking his nose, heaven nose where the debris fell. I wonder whether that’s part of the Disney script.

Meanwhile todays gifts, for the “selected special family” are gold chocolate coins in our room.

Lazy day at sea. Plenty going on for the kids.

Went to the hypnosis lecture. As it also mentioned weight loss it was the biggest concentration of adipose tissue on the ship. Good job it was midships or I think the ship would have taken on a dangerous list.

Silly me, no wonder it was free they try to sell you a CD.

Go to take photos at the baby crawl race. Women sits down on the floor next to me and asks what this for. Just goes to show how the gullible will join any queue.

Sat near the geriatrics couple from hell. They should play a video of these two to all prospective young couples, guaranteed to have them high tail it to the nearst monastery. Not a peep out of them or to one another. She’s glued to her kindle, him to his iPhone. Marriage can be so stimulating.

Good show in the evening, even I stayed awake. A bit more whiskey tasting.

It’s Castaway Quay today. A beach day. Disney’s own fantasy Island in the Bahamas. Actually, as you’d expect from Disney, it’s quite well organised with good facilities. Quite a money spinner no docking fees and everything they take on the activities goes straight to Disney.

Have an argument with an arrogant, yank re deck chairs. Offer to try and sort it so that both families get what they want, but he’s having none of it. Prefers to be an arrogant prick and sit on a chair amidst ours. Make you realise why the Americans can be such warmongers.

Try the water slide with Honey, but pass on snorkelling as they expect you to wear a life vest.

We last about 2 hours before having launch and heading back to the ship. We’re just not beach, sun and sand people.

The pool decks just a cacophony of screaming rug rats and big screen movies. There’s really no peace and quiet to be had anywhere on this floating gin palace.

We’re on rug rat duties tonight looking after Jasper and Beatrix while the parents go to Palo for a speciality meal. Jasper goes into kid club.

We all go to the show. Vampires thrive on blood and our British cruise director seems to thrive on applause. “Did you enjoy….”, “and what about….”. And of course the Americans just love inane applause and shouting for the slightest thing. It’s just a pity she didn’t say “and what about the bog rolls on board, aren’t they fantastic?”. They’d have obliged with thunderous applause.

Show is pretty mediocre and spoilt by cruise director’s applause seeking. What ever happened to a show to sleep to and a strangers shoulder to sleep on.

Then the theatre chair eats Jasper, as he gets his foot stuck down the back of the chair and is screaming the place down. Not that anyone notices with all the raucous applause and shouting going on. Me thinks it could be a trip to the county court.

Breakfast in enchanted garden – claustrophobic start to the day.

Pick up my contraband booze. Then we disembark. Bit of a queue but overall a pretty smooth and slick process. Even immigration are fast and sacrifice all there usual stamp, stamp, fingerprint palaver. Must remember to try smuggling again as the complaints bought us all those freebies – Victor confirms it pays to complain.

The drive to our new home for 3 weeks is pretty uneventful and we’re there by 11:00.

Our 4 bedroomed home is awesome. Has a pool and everything you can think of. Thanks to Barrie for giving us the details, has to be one of the best VRBO’s we’ve ever stayed in – for pictures see next weeks blog.

In the afternoon Wendy and I nip down to the Mall to see if I can get a iPhone X. No chance sold out and of course it’s a state secret when they’ll be getting anymore in – security – stuff the customer yet again.

Up at the crack of sparrows for 10:30 flight to Orlando. Apart from the usual need for security crap the airport was almost tolerable. Amazing how the only way in is via a snaking yellow brick road that takes you through every bit of duty free – marketing strikes again, f.ck the CUSTOMER. Mind you they’ve also managed to add yet another queue to the misery they call airports. Yes, you now have to queue to get in the airport lounge.

Wendy quaffs the brandy with all the gusto of someone who’s spent a week in the dessert without a drink. She just about gets on the plane where she immediately goes to sleep for 2.5 hours, wakes feeling rougher than the inside of a desiccated hush puppy, and then has the brass nipples to blame me for letting her drink so much – grown ups.

Virgin have also managed to strike another blow for added misery with a warning that there’s building works at Orlando so expect delays – they’re so sorry.

Kids are well behaved, no tears or tantrums, and the grandkids are also well behaved. Mind you for sanity sake they’re 10 rows behind us – smart eh!

Everyone’s up at the crack of sparrows. Might as well make an early start then on the parks. It’s animal kingdom today and we’re there by 830. They choose this as they thought it would be an easy day – no doubt it’s going to be a long day as we’ve a “safari” arranged for 6 o’clock. As you’d expect kids are loving it, the look on their faces is amazing, especially through lion King. I even manage the Everest roller coaster ride, it’s just 10 seconds short of my pewk point at which moment I’d be sharing diced carrots with the rest of the world. This is the second time I’ve done this. Never again.

Finish about 20:00, so it’s a McDonalds for dinner. Suits me, but so much for an easy day.

You promise the kids an ice cream and then you find that ice cream stalls are rarer that a lap dancing club in Tehran. And then, just like a bus, there’s two of them within 100 feet.

Up and out for Islands of Adventure. Security ridiculously tight with scanners. Everything out you pocket. It seems that a piece of paper has suddenly become magnetic, and is a serious security threat, it also has to be taken out. It’s all just a amateur house joke.

Another long day. The kids love it. Pictures say it all.
But by 20:00 we’ve a car full of tired screaming kids and tempers are frayed as we search for an ALL YOU CAN EAT place. End up back home.

I think it’s about time we accepted that young kids and late days at the park = misery all round. Just settle foer shorter days.

What is it with this Harry potter phenomenon, fully grown adults wandering around in Harry Potter gowns – grow up.

How I wish I could bite my toenails like Beatrix can.

Universal studios for 09:30. Good relaxing day with Starbucks and Amex lounge for me, Fiona and Beatrix – chance for her to have a crawl around. Kids get quite a few rides and shows in. Devon and Honey have been on the wimp tablets and are chickening out of rides like a mouse in a thunder storm. I manage ET and the Starbucks experience, twice. Good day.

Oh how sad Univrtsal Studios closes at 17:00, we manage to escape at 16:00 but bad news is we end up in Walmart. Kurt decides to become a nomad and disappears as soon as he’s needed. They are all scatter brained with no focus.

Disney magic kingdom highlight of the holiday. Screw up on the parades as its a Halloween party tonight, extra of course, and therefore none of the parades are available to us. Poor information on the web site so it’s time for Ross and I to go to customer services. Professionally sorted by customer services, they give Ross and co access on the Saturday we get back off the cruise, so at least the kids won’t miss the parades.

Good news, it turns out our LG TV is not repairable so we get a replacement new tv or a refund. Result!

MGM Studios today. A more relaxing day. Not out so early but we stay for Fantasmic – gets screwed up because Susie and Fiona are on Rocking Roller Coaster ride and don’t link up with Wendy. A real shame as it was one of the few things Honey really wanted to do and now she’s missed it. Wendy treats her to a present to make up for it. The rest of us watch the movie show and then the Star Wars show – impressive – just a pity it clashes with Fantasmic.

A very late night but fortunately we had the sense to have some food at 17:00, so everyones not so ratty.

Can you believe it an American diner that doesn’t sell hot dogs?

Time to leave our 5 bedroom villa in Kissimmee and set off for the Disney cruise. The villa was ok, just a tad tired. Cutlery came ready with dried food meals on it, nothing like dried egg already in the forks. Wendy washes all the cutlery etc by hand. She would have used the dishwasher but it has the unique law of nature defying ability to create matter by spewing out dishes and cutlery dirtier than when they went in. The kids are so excited, and the grandkids are excited too.

Amazing we manage to all be ready for a 10:00 departure, but it does make you wonder how Monty ever mobilised the troops in WWII.

It’s about a 80 minute drive. Well at least it would be if the driver hadn’t decided to pull off halfway down the toll road. It’s a mystery of age as to why I did it.

Drop off at port was smooth; car return efficient; security, check-in and boarding not too much hassle. Although why security had to have a 70 year old YTS’er doing on the job body scanner training amazes me.

Then by dinner time our suitcases still haven’t arrived. Turns out they’ve been stopped because there’s contraband in them – a bottle of whiskey, wine and brandy. We have to pull them out and hand them over. Collect them when we leave ship.

It’s ok if you’d put a bottle in carry on but not in the suitcase. And the cock and bull story reason for this is that Disney are so concerned for our well being that they don’t want bottles to break in our suitcase and soak our clothes. I point out in my inevitable manner that they’re more likely to get broken in hand luggage and as they’re not broken there’s no need to impound them.

Of course it’s nothing to do with them being greedy bar stewards and wanting to milk you with their on-board booze prices. Just pots for rags.

Why do they try and insult your intelligence with such a stupid reason? Why not just be up front, we sell alcohol and want to make a big profit? That I could cope with.

On the plus side the ships officer arranged for two free day spa passes and 6 free Palo restaurant tickets for all our adults. So even though he would never admit it’s just cock and bull, he at least tried to make things right and obviously didn’t agree with the rank stupidity of it.

Lazy morning getting ready for our trip to London.

It’s a 4 hour drive. No idea how they can cram 7 roadworks into the journey. Can you believe one of them was for 18 miles. Then to top it all as soon as we’d finished 18 miles of the spot the worker game, we come to a standstill due to stupid rubberneckers.

Arrived at Brett’s around 16:00. He’s got a nice (hate that word) roomy two bedroom flat in Sunninghill. He pops round to see us but he’s staying with Karien so we’ve got the run of his home for the next 4 days.

Pleasant evening in catching up on TV and of course a little wine.

Leisurely start to the day then we drive down to Hampton court for some history and selfi stick dodging. A tad expensive. I blame all those culture vulture Americans who just revel in it. Have a very interesting amble around the Henry VIII exhibits. Not so interested in the later periods. Have to limit my daily history intake.

Two interesting facts:

Field of gold meeting with good old Henry consumed 40,000 gallons of wine – not him personally despite his voracious appetites. This means each one there swigged an average of 4 pints of wine per day. Then I worry about my drinking.

Pies were the mainstay of English cooking. The pie case was actually there to act as the cooking pot. The gluttons would cut off the top of the pie and shovel the contents down. The top, sides and base of the pie would then be discarded. Fast food 15th century style.

 

In the evening Brett and karein come round and we head off out to an Italian meal.

Up early for a work opportunity. Strange having to don a suit,
tie and white shirt of course – scruffy salesmen take note. Then it’s train into Farringdon. Nearly two hours commuting. How can anyone other than a lobotomised lab rat cope with this every day or even a few days a week.

Good to see Clive again and have a tapas lunch with him. Looks like I’ve got a consultancy opportunity with him again and there could be more in the offering. So it’s Glasgow most of next week. Although at least it won’t involve too many suit and tie days.

Leisurely start to the day and then it’s the long slog back up the M6.

Day starts off sunny but of course by the time we get back to the hell hole it’s raining.

Lazy morning. We all troop into town. Dot and Wendy go shopping, not that they need anything. While Barrie and I go on a pub crawl – well just two pubs really. Very pleasant sat out in the sunshine, admiring the facades of the town buildings, watching the French world go by and enjoying a Pasties.

Then it’s back for a well deserved coffee.

In the evening it’s a buffet round at Dot and Barrie’s. Barrie’s cousin Heather and John have arrived so they join us. Drink a little wine. Well to be truthful a lot of wine and enjoy Barrie’s new Double Oak Bourbon – my it’s smooth – especially when drank alongside a Jack Daniels, rough as a badgers arse by comparison.

Stagger home in the pouring rain.

Morning was dry and warm but with rain forecast, yet again, for all afternoon so we went a walk into town. Deafened by them dam bells, it must be home to Quasimodo. Interesting how the church seems to have a spire missing. Turns out it was destroyed in June 1944 in the Battle of Bloody Hill.

Pop into the local cafe for a coffee. What a den on inequity it is. It seems like they, the local snail and cheese munchers, go to church; pop into cafe for Bingo; free bread and pate; have a few bevies; and then probably go home and beat the wife to round off the day.

In the afternoon and evening it rains as promised.

Catch up on some ITV in the evening. First time we’ve watched anything on ITV for months.

We really should have invested in some Wellie Bobs, to cope with all this rain and our quagmire of a pitch. Send some dry socks as we’ll be getting trench foot.

Our caravan is at serious risk of putting in a solo appearance on eBay.

The 79th Division liberated the La Haye du Puits on the 9th July 1944.

Battle plan.

Around La Haye du Puits there was fought a very bloody battle for Montgardon, referred to as Hill 84. The 79th Division fought for this area for five days at a cost of 1,500 GIs. When you add the causalities who fell in the battle for Hill 122 Montre Castre which is just to the east of the town, the number rises to 5,000 killed or injured. and was the most costly weekend in the European conflict. They then continued though Normandy and into the Loire Valley and then on to Germany.

There is a fine monument in the town to all the liberators and civilians who lost their lives during the liberation.

The town was badly damaged and was rebuilt in the standard concrete, but has recently been given an attractive paint job, making it look more Dutch than French. The parish church lost one of its spires during the fighting which has never been replaced.

Time to pack up and clean the caravan. A joyous sort of day but at least it doesn’t rain until the evening.

Go out to Hotel Commerce for dinner with Dot and Barrie and cousins.

Then overnight we get a parting deluge and a drum voluntary on the roof. Amazed this caravan hasn’t floated off like a 21st century aluminum arc.

Up at 07:00 with the typical whining from her indoors and to the usual sound of bells, summoning the faithful and waking the owl and pigeons. Oh the joy of packing up the caravan in a swamp thanks to last nights deluge. Cold wet feet. Memo to self, “buy a pair of welly bobs”. So much better than thongs and trench foot and frostbite in the little toe.

Can’t believe it take 135 minutes to get up; leisurely breakfast; pack up car; winterise and close up caravan. Mind you we’d save half an hour if we didn’t bother trying to tease the water butt into an expensive green bag, designed specifically to keep it clean, warm and safe, and purchased by her indoors. Never mind with all the mud on the water butt it doesn’t really need any extra protection. Pots for rags. Another memo to self “loose green bag or use it as barbecue fuel next year”.

Pretty good drive up. 350 miles and just a 6 minute delay and hardly any traffic. No chance of that in the U.K.

Car park garage was tighter than a bull’s ass during fly season. Nearly had to get the roof down or go on a crash diet to get out the car.

Hotel’s quite quaint. In the center of Bruges by the canal. Our rooms right by the canal so no doubt tomorrow morning we’ll have barge loads of German tourists peering in. Hotel provides a mosquito killer plug to deal with any mosquitoes that want your blood. Better not open the window as they’ll be in and dive bombing Wendy.

Wot no shower! Well yes there’s shower caps and a shower in the bath, but not mounted on the wall and no shower curtain. This is going to be fun, by the end of me shower the bathroom floors awash with water and wetter than a Normandy caravan pitch in September. This is not going to help my trench foot. Where has the common sense gone.

Out around Bruges for tea. Well not too far as Wendy “doesn’t want to spoil it for tomorrow”. At last some rabbit in a Flemish stew, not very appetizing that flem word, but it tasted good.

Have another famous Belgium beer back at the hotel. Then it’s time for some Armagnac and watch Suits. Instead a lengthy FaceTime with Anna whiles the night away.

What a pokey room, noisy from other rooms. I think there was an elephant learning to tap dance in the room above. You could hear everything said in adjoining rooms so thank god no one was having nooky in the next room.

Breakfast was the best thing about the hotel.

Then the tight arses in the hotel wouldn’t let us leave our car – retribution is mine says Tripadvisor – so we have to find the main car park. What a bloody nightmare that was. Major road works and to top it all the entrance to the car park is in the underpass. Have to say though once we’d found it was very impressed – green lights over empty bays and counts of available slots. What’s more plenty of room to manouvere, not your typical alloy wrecker.

Pleasant stroll around Bruges. What a lovely city, spoilt only by the infestation of droves of selfie wielding tourists.

Then it’s a short drive to the port. Armed with my sea sick pills I’m prepared for our crossing which is forecast at gale force 6 – joy. Pleasant evening meal and not a bad nights sleep. Crossing was smooth.

Welcome home to blue skies. Rain by the time we get to the hellhole.

Lazy morning around the caravan.

Then in the afternoon Wendy and I go for a bike ride. Wendy manages 10 miles, before whining, a new record.

Drive with Dot and Barrie to Saint-Germain-Sur-Ay. Oh the women are orgasmic, there’s a market on. All of 5 stalls and selling cooked chickens at the rip off price of 17 Euros.

Barrie and I go for a coffee while the women maraude the market. How can anyone take so long over just 5 stalls.

Funny we’ve been to this place before, but separately and we both remember that the first restaurant is run by a miserable French harridan with a bad attitude – nothing new there then.

Have a pleasant stroll along the beach.

Whats with all these seagulls standing on one leg? Have they all had an amputation? Turns out they do it so keep warm. One legs is tucked up in their feathers to keep warm and the other gets cold, then swap. Wonder whether, to keep warm, they pee on their feet as well?

Call in the restaurant for lunch but they take so long to even come and take our order that we troop out. Owner’s gob smacked. Obviously not used to people voting with their feet.

Back to Dots for lunch.

Barrie’s has his Frey Bentos pudding and mushy peas for tea while watching his team, Newcastle, get thrashed. Meanwhile Dot comes round tour for tea. Then when it’s safe we go round to Barrie’s for drinks.

By way of a change it lashed it down all night. Nothing better than laying in a caravan listening to the rat a tat tat of rain on the roof and suffering a sign pitch. They should make an advert of it all to help sell caravans.

Lazy morning.

Drive down with Dot and Barrie to the American Airborne Museum at Dead Man’s Corner. An amazing interactive museum that gives you a flight briefing, then you bundle into a C47 aircraft and fly on your mission to Normandy. Very realistic flight simulator; ack ack fire; smoke in the aircraft; crash landing – Disney on steroids. Museum’s quite interesting too. One of the better D-Day exhibitions. Then we pop into the Dead Mans Corner museum.

Drive up to Sainte-Mere-Eglise for a stroll round and very late lunch.

Then the highlight of the day is a trip to a big gargantuan 24 hour L.Eclerc. Bet it wasn’t there on June 6th 1944. Splash out on a quality 10 year old Canadian Whisky – Pike Creek.

Galettes, black pudding (Boudin), smoked sausage and cheese for tea. A tad disappointing but those galettes are oh so filling. Relaxing evening catching up with some crap BBC TV and finish of my blog.
How Dead Man’s Corner got it’s name:

Dead Mans Corner

The corner got it’s name when an American tank was knocked out right in front of the house, where it sat for days, with the dead commander sticking up from the turret. The troops began referring to it as “the corner where the dead man’s in the tank” This was shortened to “Dead Man’s Corner” and it is still known by that name in France today.

Lazy morning. Then a fast 6 mile bike ride for me to get the heart pumping, followed by a leisurely stroll into town with Wendy. Of course we have to go in a shop and buy something, so what better to buy than a toilet brush for all of 99 cents.

In the evening we go round to Dot and Barrie’s for tea. Barrie’s cooked a fantastic Chicken Tikka Masala and made it spicy, best one ever. As for that bottle of St Emillion it was awesome. I’ll be up and out to the sewage farm (Intermarche) tomorrow morning and if it’s under my €10 limit I’ll even get a trolley and buy a dozen.

Up and out to sewage farm with my shopping trolley. Really needed a gas mask to cope with the stench in Intermarche today. Wasn’t quite the Eau de Sewage floor cleaner from Dior, think it must be smelly hairy female french armpits. I think I’ll buy a gas mask from one of those WW2 surplus shops around here.

I’m in luck that St Emillion is €9.75, but sadly they only have 8. Oh well better than none.

Then we’re all off to Arromanches to visit gold beach, where the British landed on D-Day. What amazing ingenuity those Mulberry harbours were.

Visited the The Landings Museum in Arromanches. Interesting film, slide show and exhibits. They have the organisational skills of a swarm of disorientated nats. Thankfully they weren’t involved in the planning the D-Day landings or we’d probably have invaded the Isle of Man. Just a few signs and time tables would work wonders. In August this must be worse than the mayhem of half the muslims at Eide deciding to go around the kaba clockwise.

Then it was lunch but by 14:00 most of the restaurants had shut up or were out of food.

Drive up to the Arromanches 360 Circular museum which has awesome views over the beaches and a fantastic 360 degree D-Day landing film. Most impressed. Gives you an impression of the scale of the enterprise. But bear in mind that more Americans were killed in 9/11. Of course that was nothing to do with Islam, the religion of pieces and permanent offence.

For tea I have the left overs from Barrie’s Chicken Tikka Masala, awesome grub. In the evening we start watching Band of Brothers on HBO to get a flavour of this place.

Lazy morning and then as it’s the last sunny day before we leave we take up the mat, scrub it clean and then take down the awning. Weather is so unsettled.

Dot and Barrie come round for drinks, drinks, drinks and some dinner.

Do you know why the Tawaf around the Kaaba is “Anti-clockwise”?

Modern Science has proved many things that confirm the importance of Tawaaf around the Ka’aba “Anticlockwise.”
1) The Blood inside the human body begins its circulation “Anticlockwise”

2) The electrons of an atom revolve around its nucleus in the same manner as making Tawaf, in an anti-clockwise direction. 
Considering the universe as a whole, you will notice that: 


Mulberry harbour at Gold beach.

3) That the moon revolves around the earth anti-clockwise. 

4) The earth rotates around its own axis in an anti-clockwise direction. 

5) The earth revolves around the sun in an anti-clockwise direction. 

6) The planets of the Solar system revolve around the sun in an anti-clockwise direction.

7)The Sun along with its whole Solar system orbit in the galaxy in an anti-clockwise direction.

8)All the galaxies orbit in the space in an anti-clockwise direction.

Rain forecast all day so we set off with Dot and Barrie up to Cherbourg, where we let 2 shopaholics loose in the biggest supermarket in Normandy. Have a stroll around a giant Decathalon. Lunch at L.Eclerc.

Apparently Barrie’s Hyundai Sante Fe comes with a rear seat audio assisted gear change facility. It shouts out from the back whenever you need to change gear.

Afternoon tea at D&B’s.

Quite evening watching more of Suits because the VPN keeps failing.