20171022 – Mickey Mouse Town; Send Trainers We’ve Worn Ours Out; WOT No Time For Wine

Sunday – hot and sunny.

Day 1 – Animal Kingdom. I wonder how haggard we’ll all be by the end?

Up at the crack of sparrows for 10:30 flight to Orlando. Apart from the usual need for security crap the airport was almost tolerable. Amazing how the only way in is via a snaking yellow brick road that takes you through every bit of duty free – marketing strikes again, f.ck the CUSTOMER. Mind you they’ve also managed to add yet another queue to the misery they call airports. Yes, you now have to queue to get in the airport lounge.

Wash and brush up.

Wendy quaffs the brandy with all the gusto of someone who’s spent a week in the dessert without a drink. She just about gets on the plane where she immediately goes to sleep for 2.5 hours, wakes feeling rougher than the inside of a desiccated hush puppy, and then has the brass nipples to blame me for letting her drink so much – grown ups.

Virgin have also managed to strike another blow for added misery with a warning that there’s building works at Orlando so expect delays – they’re so sorry.

Kids are well behaved, no tears or tantrums, and the grandkids are also well behaved. Mind you for sanity sake they’re 10 rows behind us – smart eh!

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Awesome and a memory of a lifetime, taking grandkids and even our kids to Disney and on a Disney Cruise. How lucky can you be.

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The main attraction.

Knock Knock! Who’s There? Tinkerbell! Tinkerbell who? Think your bell is out of order.

Knock Knock! Who’s There? Mickey. Mickey who? Mi key won`t fit through the door hole that’s why I knocked.

My little sister’s password for the Disney website is “MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto” I asked her why, She said: “They told me to use 4 characters”

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More family pictures.

It never ceases to amaze me. I wake up most days with a “New Days Resolution” not to loose my cool. Then within 1 minute 44 seconds of the first web site or application (excepting Natwest and Chase) I’m ready to dive down my router and rip the head off the IT nerd responsible for yet another crap, untested, senseless web site or application. Who are these morons? Why do they get away with it?

And when I say the nerd responsible, that’s not the programmer, it’s the manager who doesn’t ensure adequate testing, performs no common sense review. Of course you think you’ll complain to customers services in the sure and certainty that they’ll do absolutely nothing about it. NO ONE CARES. Let the customer do our testing.

Monday – hot and sunny.

OMG Wendy’s shrunk.

Everyone’s up at the crack of sparrows. Might as well make an early start then on the parks. It’s animal kingdom today and we’re there by 830. They choose this as they thought it would be an easy day – no doubt it’s going to be a long day as we’ve a “safari” arranged for 6 o’clock. As you’d expect kids are loving it, the look on their faces is amazing, especially through lion King. I even manage the Everest roller coaster ride, it’s just 10 seconds short of my pewk point at which moment I’d be sharing diced carrots with the rest of the world. This is the second time I’ve done this. Never again.

Finish about 20:00, so it’s a McDonalds for dinner. Suits me, but so much for an easy day.

You promise the kids an ice cream and then you find that ice cream stalls are rarer that a lap dancing club in Tehran. And then, just like a bus, there’s two of them within 100 feet.

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I have done some stupid things in my life but queueing 70 minutes to go on Narvi River ride at Disney’s animal kingdom has to be the epitome of stupidity.

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Conference time.

Wake up. Smell the coffee before all our grandchildren are forced to wander around in black bin liners and suffer all that goes with the so called religion of peace.

Riddle me this then? The religion of peace is sensitive to anything that offends them. Riots, killing, fatwas and take to the streets in protest even over a few cartoons. If these jihadi atrocities offends, misrepresents or is against their religion why haven’t they thrown their toys out the pram by now? Why aren’t they out on the streets protesting? Why aren’t they burning terrorist flags and images of jihadists? Why aren’t they bellowing and catawalling in anger from every minaret?

I leave you to your own conclusions, but in my mind as long as the so called “moderate muslims” stand by and do nothing then I know what my conclusion is.

Tuesday – hot and sunny.

Islands of Adventure.

Up and out for Islands of Adventure. Security ridiculously tight with scanners. Everything out you pocket. It seems that a piece of paper has suddenly become magnetic, and is a serious security threat, it also has to be taken out. It’s all just a amateur house joke.

Another long day. The kids love it. Pictures say it all.
But by 20:00 we’ve a car full of tired screaming kids and tempers are frayed as we search for an ALL YOU CAN EAT place. End up back home.

I think it’s about time we accepted that young kids and late days at the park = misery all round. Just settle foer shorter days.

What is it with this Harry potter phenomenon, fully grown adults wandering around in Harry Potter gowns – grow up.

How I wish I could bite my toenails like Beatrix can.
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Harry Potter land.

I blame Disney for making me believe that everything will have a happy ending Disney executives often encourage paramedics to only declare a person dead after they are off Disney property, as to not kill the ‘Magic’.

Learn to NEVER look back. If Cinderella went back to pick up her shoes, she wouldn’t of become a princess.

Why does Peter Pan fly? Because he neverlands.

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The Truth About Islamophobia

Wednesday – hot and sunny.


Universal studios for 09:30. Good relaxing day with Starbucks and Amex lounge for me, Fiona and Beatrix – chance for her to have a crawl around. Kids get quite a few rides and shows in. Devon and Honey have been on the wimp tablets and are chickening out of rides like a mouse in a thunder storm. I manage ET and the Starbucks experience, twice. Good day.

Oh how sad Univrtsal Studios closes at 17:00, we manage to escape at 16:00 but bad news is we end up in Walmart. Kurt decides to become a nomad and disappears as soon as he’s needed. They are all scatter brained with no focus.
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Honey’s moment of fame.

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to her throat, said, “Red, I’m going to f..k your brains out!” To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum. She pointed it at him and said, “No you’re not! You’re going to eat me, just like it says in the book!”

Who’s this then?

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, “You say here that your wife is crazy.” Mickey replied, “No I didn’t. I said she is f..kin’ Goofy.”

Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they had sex. Pinocchio therefore went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, “How’s the girlfriend?” Pinocchio replied, “Who needs a girlfriend?”

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More Harry Potter.

Harry Potter magic wand $50, point it at some park exhibits and it interacts – wow. Then take it home and leave it in box to collect dust. Marketing moguls must be really rubbing the hands raw with glee.

Thankfully Honey has the common sense to see through this attempted rip off.

Thursday – hot and sunny.

Buzz and friends.

Disney magic kingdom highlight of the holiday. Screw up on the parades as its a Halloween party tonight, extra of course, and therefore none of the parades are available to us. Poor information on the web site so it’s time for Ross and I to go to customer services. Professionally sorted by customer services, they give Ross and co access on the Saturday we get back off the cruise, so at least the kids won’t miss the parades.

Good news, it turns out our LG TV is not repairable so we get a replacement new tv or a refund. Result!
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Cool dude, at least for now.

Don’t I just love the daily drama and tantrums from the rug rats. Clean your teeth – tears. Let me put sun cream on you – tears. Get ready – tears. Get in your push chair – tears. Get out your push chair – tears. Do as I tell you – yes you guessed it, tears. And then when they’re not tantruming they go hyper and strike fear into the hearts of the unbelieving punters.

Fortunately nature is smart enough to inflict kids on you when you’re young. As you get older, the alcohol kills off sufficient memory cells for you to forget how bad it was.

Friday – hot and sunny.

Look out Kurt and Ross the enemies coming.

MGM Studios today. A more relaxing day. Not out so early but we stay for Fantasmic – gets screwed up because Susie and Fiona are on Rocking Roller Coaster ride and don’t link up with Wendy. A real shame as it was one of the few things Honey really wanted to do and now she’s missed it. Wendy treats her to a present to make up for it. The rest of us watch the movie show and then the Star Wars show – impressive – just a pity it clashes with Fantasmic.

A very late night but fortunately we had the sense to have some food at 17:00, so everyones not so ratty.

Can you believe it an American diner that doesn’t sell hot dogs?
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What are they plotting.

Why can’t miss piggy count to one hundred? A: Because every time she gets to sixty nine she gets a frog in her throat.

Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, “Lie to me! Lie to me!”

Dwarf: “Hi ho Hi ho…..” Dwarf 2: “What did you just call me?”

The Princess in the castle prison spots the Frog and tells him “Let me kiss you my dear Frog, so you can turn into the handsome Prince that will recue me! “. The Frog takes a hit from a joint, and removes his Oakley glasses to reply; “Ahhh, that was in the old story. Now you have to give me a blow job”

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Bird brained.

Up at 06:00; out at 08:00; 12 hours pounding the theme parks; back home and no time left for wine. 16 hour days. Thank god we’re on holiday or it could be hard work. Send a new pair of trainers.

Saturday – hot and sunny.

Fishy rides.

Time to leave our 5 bedroom villa in Kissimmee and set off for the Disney cruise. The villa was ok, just a tad tired. Cutlery came ready with dried food meals on it, nothing like dried egg already in the forks. Wendy washes all the cutlery etc by hand. She would have used the dishwasher but it has the unique law of nature defying ability to create matter by spewing out dishes and cutlery dirtier than when they went in. The kids are so excited, and the grandkids are excited too.

Amazing we manage to all be ready for a 10:00 departure, but it does make you wonder how Monty ever mobilised the troops in WWII.

It’s about a 80 minute drive. Well at least it would be if the driver hadn’t decided to pull off halfway down the toll road. It’s a mystery of age as to why I did it.

Drop off at port was smooth; car return efficient; security, check-in and boarding not too much hassle. Although why security had to have a 70 year old YTS’er doing on the job body scanner training amazes me.

Haven’t a clue!

Then by dinner time our suitcases still haven’t arrived. Turns out they’ve been stopped because there’s contraband in them – a bottle of whiskey, wine and brandy. We have to pull them out and hand them over. Collect them when we leave ship.

It’s ok if you’d put a bottle in carry on but not in the suitcase. And the cock and bull story reason for this is that Disney are so concerned for our well being that they don’t want bottles to break in our suitcase and soak our clothes. I point out in my inevitable manner that they’re more likely to get broken in hand luggage and as they’re not broken there’s no need to impound them.

Of course it’s nothing to do with them being greedy bar stewards and wanting to milk you with their on-board booze prices. Just pots for rags.

I’m really loving this ride.

Why do they try and insult your intelligence with such a stupid reason? Why not just be up front, we sell alcohol and want to make a big profit? That I could cope with.

On the plus side the ships officer arranged for two free day spa passes and 6 free Palo restaurant tickets for all our adults. So even though he would never admit it’s just cock and bull, he at least tried to make things right and obviously didn’t agree with the rank stupidity of it.
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Message To Offended Muslims

End of week 1.

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