Tony & Wendy's Travel Blog

Continuing in my new found political correctness here goes with my Politically Correct Seasons Greetings:

Christmas Thoughts

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all 

… and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year Two Thousand and Fourteen, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make Great Britain great,(not to imply that Great Britain is necessarily greater than any other country), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee.

DISCLAIMER OF WARRANTABILITY –
(By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms.This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wishor issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.)

As I’m sure you all know what a stickler I am for PC correctness, so here’s a PC version of the famous poem:

‘Twas the night before Christmas and Santa’s a wreck… 

How to live in a world that’s politically correct? 

His workers no longer would answer to “Elves”.

“Vertically Challenged” they were calling themselves. 

And labor conditions at the north pole 

Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety, 

Released to the wilds by the Humane Society. 

And equal employment had made it quite clear 

That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid, 

Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh; 

The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A. 

And people had started to call for the cops 

When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened. 

His fur trimmed red suit was called “Unenlightened.”

And to show you the strangeness of life’s ebbs and flows, 

Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose 

And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation, 

Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife, 

Who suddenly said she’d enough of this life, 

Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz, 

Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he’d ne’er had a notion

That making a choice could cause so much commotion. 

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur, 

Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.

Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot. 

Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise. 

Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific. 

Nothing that’s warlike or non-pacific.

No candy or sweets…they were bad for the tooth. 

Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth. 

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden, 

Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological 

Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football…someone could get hurt; 

Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt. 

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe; 

And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed; 

He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay, 

you’ve got to be careful with that word today. 

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground; 

Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might

Give to all without angering the left or the right. 

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision, 

Each group of people, every religion;

Every ethnicity, every hue, 

Everyone, everywhere…even you. 

So here is that gift, it’s price beyond worth… “

May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth.”

Notice: This poem is copyright 1992 by Harvey Ehrlich. It is free todistribute, without changes, as long as this notice remains intact. Allfollow-ups, requests, comments, questions, distribution rights, etc shouldbe made to mduhan@husc.harvard.edu . Happy Holidays!

Monday – hot, sun and clouds.

Lazy start to the day, as usual.

Then it’s off down to the Circle B bar ranch reserve. Birds and wildlife galore. Gaitors, turtles, wild boar, just missed a bob cat and of course more Pileated Woodpeckers then trees in a forest. A superb 2 hour walk, a real treat and it’s free.

Then it’s back to the bright lights and the glitz as we head to Down Town Disney. Wendy has a Ghirardelli DIY double fudge hot chocolate. At these prices you’d think it would come ready made. No you have to melt the chocolate bars in the hot milk and give it a good stir. I’m then left all on my own some with only an iPhone and free Disney wifi (15Mbps SDSL no less) for company. Perhaps I can remotely disable Wendy’s credit card!

After a pleasant evening stroll around Down Town we head off for dinner. We’ve been told that Sweet Tomatoes is a great place to eat. It should be made to display over the door in neon lights a very clear government health warning. Veggies only. Wot no meat. Have you noticed how very one sided this veggie thing is. Blood eaters allow vegetables but veggies never reciprocate. 

Finally get to the Olive Garden. Very impressed. Reasonably priced, good food, free salad and soups. I had Steak Gorgonzola Alfredo, best meal I’ve had this holiday, Wendy needs to get it on her regulars list.

Back to the hotel. I think we’ll have to resort to the stairs this lift has the most sickening Xmas music. By the time you’ve got to your floor you’re ready to slit your wrists rather than listen to another bar.

Tuesday – hot and sunny.

Lazy breakfast.

Then gird your loins, put on your hiking boots and we’re off to Disney Hollywood Studios.

Disney Hollywood studios today. We tried to rent some crotch droppings on the way in but they’re totally out of them. Wandering around like so many overgrown kids. 

I never thought I’d say it but thanks to 3.5 hours queuing on NCL we’re all fit and ready for all the queues Disney can throw at us. 

Still didn’t manage to get on the Toy Story ride – 55 minutes can you believe it. God alone knows what it must be like at Christmas.

Get to see Fantasmic for the 44th time! You can now buy a Mickey Mouse ears hat that lights up different colours and synchs to the music in fantastic. Technology gone mad.

Then go to see the dancing Christmas lights. Very impressive. I wonder how long it takes to find and replace a dodgy bulb?

Dinner is MacD’s. 

Wednesday – hot and sunny.

Hashbrowns with corned beef, scrambled eggs and baked beans for breakfast, very tasty. After all the Haute Cuisine cruise food, I can just taste now my Friday night coming home treat of Welsh Rarebit, Bacon and baked beans. Lazy breakfast and then set off for Seaworld. Change our minds half way there and go to Universal. Memories of the crap service and greed on our last visit still linger. Always good to vote with your feet.

Have a great day at Universal. A tad expensive but unlike Disney the queues aren’t too bad. Start with the Spider Man ride. Nearly have diced carrots everywhere. Devastated we’re too big for the Pteranodon Flyers kids ride. But we’re very brave and risk the kids Flight of the Hippogriff roller coaster. Then it’s the ET ride Wendy’s favourite, followed by Men In Black – a real mans ride – just about avoided shouting for Huey and Ruth. 

Starbucks provides a welcome break before the Macy’s parade and then the Shrek show.

Great day. Spoilt only by the 30 minutes it takes to get out of the car park.

Amazing when you think about it. Universal has problems with poor customer service, that is, long queues. What do they do about it? Provide more capacity or limit daily admissions? No they sell Fast passes to jump the queues. Now how financially smart is that. But what crap customer service.

Then it’s off to Subway for their Pastrami Sub. Queue for 10 minutes only to be see a sign saying it’s so popular we’re out of it. They’re about as dumb as a bag of rocks, there’s still a big sign in the window promoting it. Vote with me feet.

Thursday – warm and sunny.

Lazy breakfast and then a late checkout. 

Drive to Down Town Disney to the big Disney store. Judging by an overflowing car park they must be giving it away.

I sit and have a coffee at Ghirardeli’s and contemplate how much Wendy is spending.

6 weeks in Florida and not a single black bin liner perambulating around, like a Dalek without a proboscis, apart from one on the last day that had somehow penetrated Downtown Disney’s security.

Then it’s the usual airpot check in queue, TSA queue and crap. Our airport lounge is in Terminal B and by parkinson law of maximum perversity we’re in A.

Pretty good flight. I have me buttie for tea before we get on. Virgin Atlantic food is best avoided, not even a starving hog would swallow it.

Try me new idea of sleeping tablets. Sit down with Do Not Disturb and off to sleep. Free sleeping tablets courtesy of NHS so much cheaper than business class. Seems like a good way to fly, especially on an overnighter.

Well what have we learnt this trip?

Most of the best things in life are free. Take the Circle B Bar Ranch Nature Reserve. No queuing, free, no crowds and spectacular wild life. Or a walk, bike ride or kayak around Marco Island.

Florida great place this time of year.

Marco Island is awesome, we’ll be back.

Disney are loosing the plot. Yes great free wifi, but the crowds and queues at this time of the year are unbelievable. I dread to think what Christmas must be like.

It would be a great idea to have Xmas every 4 years, like the Olympics. Or as one Grinch said “Once every Preston Guild”.

Learn Spanish ready for our next visit, as it seems to be taking over.

Most of the Caribbean seem to be the same 3rd World chicken shit little Island / Resorts. Give me civilisation any day.

No NCL cruises ever again – see Ode.

Perhaps rather than cruising we should try a luxury All-Inclusive.

Sleeping tablets on a long haul overnight flight work a treat.

Sunday – warm and sunny.

Thats it for now were on the pirate ship Norweigan Dawn where wifi, very slow wifi at that, is $0.75 a minute.

After a basic breakfast we drop the Hertz mobile off at the Marriott and are chauffeured to the port. 

Great news there’s going to be delays boarding but fear not there’s a free shuttle bus to the Mall and back. Are they demented? Why would I want to go back to that Mall? I’d rather dip my balls in sweet cream and squat in a kitchen full of kittens. My credit cards ready to dive headfirst into the nearest sewer. 

3 hours later we’re finally on board, along with spit, blood and feathers every where.  easons for the delay abound. It’s customs haven’t cleared the ship! It’s customs in Cozumel, their last port! It’s sea fog delayed them coming in! They’ve picked some passengers up in Cozumel to bring to Tampa – infringes their precious immigration laws. It’s a new procedure – the official NCL tall tale. It’s the computer system down – well we can certainly attest to that being true as they write everything out by hand. Reason abound, but common sense and customer service are about as rare as a Taliban at a Christmas night mass.

There’s an empty, air conditioned, port terminal with comfy seats, but oh no they have more excuses than Talibans at a stoning for why they can’t let people in to sit down. No so much better to let them all rot and dehydrate on the pavement in the sun. Some of these poor buggers are already so old and wrinkly that any more sun and they’ll need a Botox shower. There I go again with that delusion I’m a customer and it’s me paying them. Oh in case you’re wondering what cruise line provides  his crap service it’s Norweigan Cruise Line. Not an auspicious start.

Oh and 16:30 safety briefing is mandatory. No problem with that. As we arrive in the lounge there’ssomeone playing the piano just to get you into that Titanic mood. 30 minutes later, after waiting for the usual scrots who are that thick they can’t even tell the time, we’re told what the emergency signal is and this is where we meet if they have a Titanic moment. Not even a demo of how to don your life jacket. That’s it, we’ve all been kept sat around for 30 minutes like naughty school children just to be told this is the place. Even the crew look totally confused and bemused. They could have told people that as they arrived and then let them get back to regaining some composure after 3 hours of heat exhaustion.

When I asked, as Victor would, why no life jacket demo I’m told you can see that on TV.  athetic! Yes, we could, and we could have seen all this on TV but most people won’t bother. So when we get that sinking feeling, no doubt the scrots who don’t even have the wit to tell the time, will be flailing around like gators fighting for a marsh mellow.

Then at dinner there’s even a queue for a table. There’s a queue for customer service. There’ll probably be a queue to join a queue. 

What chance does the human race have? There are ample, clearly marked disable seats everywhere and yes you guessed it able bodied lazy f..king scrots go and sit there rather than walking a few extra feet. Personally I hope their legs fester through lack of use and drop off. Society would be so much better off with out them. But, then perhaps their disabilities hidden, perhaps they’re just so retarded they can’t even understand a disabled sign.

Not impressed at all. First impressions count and so far I’d rather be on a cold damp leaking canal barge on the Leeds Liverpool canal. Goodbye NCL! We will vote with our feet.

Monday – hot and sunny.

Up for the 07:00 stretch exercises. Always start with good intentions.

Then it’s a frugal breakfast.

The one good thing about a cruise is it’s infested with more blobbies than muslims at a flag burning. Now I have two theories about dieting / blobbies / cruising. 1st theory is the “oh I’m nowhere near as fat as the average blobby on this cruise so I don’t need to bother”. 2nd theory is “my god if I don’t do something I’ll get to be as fat as that”. I’m an ardent advocate of the 2nd. So strict diet, no desert, no lifts and no wine – yes I even refrained last night and at these prices only me wallet should stay fat.

Then we go around the pool for half an hours sun. Not a vacant deck chair in site, yet at least 50% of them have towels and no people. Never mind the signs saying, can’t leave for more than 30 minutes. There’s plenty for every one if only people weren’t so stupid and greedy, but no, the scrots rule as usual. I move two towels and we sit back. Then about 30 minutes later the biggest fattest American slob comes up and starts getting uppity, because we’re sat in “his deck chairs”. Obviously he’s illiterate and can’t read. He even has the stupidity to tell me he got up especially early to put towels on. Oh no, the 30 minute rule doesn’t apply here, this is an American ship. Trust me to choose such a obnoxious big bullying bastard. I suggest he goes and choose one of the many empty chairs and just moves the towels. He goes to slap me and then threatens that if I’m still there when he comes back from the Jacuzzi he’s going to throw me over the balcony. Judging by the size of the slob he’d have no problem with that.  Wendy seeks out security to deal with the problem. They’re just two dinky little Indian guys, with a shiny sherifs badge. Even smaller than me and all they want is a quiet life. They don’t know whether to check their arses or scratch their watches.

Classic, why bother having signs if you don’t enforce them. I think it’s simple, there’s enough chairs for everyone if people aren’t greedy and there’s enough staff shuffling around. If a chairs left for 30 minutes throw the greedy barstewards contents overboard. If they do it a a 2nd time throw them overboard, they’re polluting the gene pool and the World would be a better place without them or their progeny.

Anyway this is a picture of the fat Sumo bar steward, neck size is bigger than his IQ. Easily recognised as he waddles along like a drunken arthritic weeble swaying from side to side. You can hear the slap, slap as his thighs clash into one another. Arms like the thighs on a Russian shot-putter. God knows when this illiterate Neanderthal last saw his feet, never mind his weenie.

Very interesting evening meal, we share a table with a judge and his wife. A great conversation all round on American politics and putting the World to rights. One of the real benefits of flexible dinning.

Tuesday – very hot and very sunny.

I go on a dive with Dolphins. One of the best and most professionally organised dives I’ve  ever been on. 1st dive master insists that every one goes into shallow water full geared up and demonstrate mask clearing and re-inserting mouthpiece. Then we get to sit on a dock for a Dolphin performance and of course stroke a Dolphin. 

Then it’s out to sea complete with Dolphin trainer and two Dolphins obediantly following. Do a 60 foot dive with these two Dolphins. They’re probably totally bemused why it takes us so long to get down to 60 feet, with everyone stopping and pinching their noses, and then on the way back up why we’re so slow and even stop for a 3 minute rest at 15 feet – probably just think it’s a geriatrics outing. Down on the bottom they swim and perform around us, even allow us to stroke them. Amazing creatures.

I can see now why the dive master carried out the pre-check. We’re all supposedly certified – some in god knows what – but having certified divers who are there swimming breast stroke, arms a flailing is worrying. One Diver apparently panics and makes a bolt for the surfaces. She’s rushed back to the dock with lungs full of water and speechless. Not one of them, apart for my California girl partner and I even bothered with a buddy check or sign check. A unique and great dive.

Wendy goes on the Best of Roatan tour. Judging by the state of the Island, and the poverty, that’s going to be a very limited tour. But she gets to see some Indian dancing; a short boat trip; shop at some indigenous stalls for nick nacks that nobody needs and if they  had a just a few brain cells left would certainly not want. Never mind they help fill the dustbins when we’ve lugged them all the way home – what a cynic. Then they go to the recommended shop where they can buy the same tat for 4 times the price – I smell backhanders. However, the guide, a school teacher who gets paid $350 a month, was very informative. Apparently the average wage is about $5,000 a month; 8,000 inhabitants and very low crime rate.

Where do I begin with the catalogue of continued incompetence on this boat? It could fill a terabyte. 

Well a good start to the day is queueing (I wonder what the American equivalent word is, somehow “lining” doesn’t seem right), 28 minutes on the stairs and in narrow hallways to get off this floating disaster.

Staff, well they all speak English and pretty good English at that. But its liking speaking to a Mumbai call centre they talk English but just don’t understand it. Common sense has been cast overboard at the sharp end. There are just so many senseless irritations. Many of them minor but oh so easily avoidable. All the cutlery is on the table apart from spoons – keh? Soup spoons for breakfast? Just about sums them all up in one sentence.

Customer services dole out incorrect information, after you’ve queued for 20 minutes to  speak to them; they forget to deliver things to the cabin; it takes 55 minutes to deliver a cup of tea, but looking on the positive side at least they remembered it; stale bread; cold coffee; cold food. You just get the feeling they don’t really care and the whole floating gin palace is run for their convenience.

Whilst the quality of the food is good the menu choice is as inspiring as a mute inman with a megaphone trying to incite a mob to a flag burning. Gone are the days of 20 minutes deciding which of the many tempting items to have. You’re lucky if there’s anything you fancy. 

Wednesday – hot and sunny.

Problems today are broken shower door, still; water leaking from fridge; no hot water. Now Wendy’s on the warpath.

Well the diets continuing well. I’m still on theory 2, helped by this being a specialist cruise put on for “The American Association of the Clinically Obese Fan Club”, “The Big Fat Black Arsed Mamas Association”, “The Lazy Barstewards of America Association” and “The American Gluttony is my Passion Society”. Heaven forbid any of them should use the stairs, when they can queue for a perfectly good lift to take them down all of 1 deck.

Today we’re tendered off and have to walk down deck 4. It seems to be the steerage section, down in the bilges, where they’ve put all the blacks, like something out of a slavery scene from Roots – not PC I know but here in the land of the free and the 1st amendment they’re quite comfortable with the word black.

Dip out on the early morning stretch. Some numpty set his alarm for PM rather than AM. Then it’s a leisurely breakfast and read / knit.

Tendered ashore. Nothing booked. We’re told Belize City is not the place to just wander around. Take your watches and jewellery off and tear some holes in your jeans to fit in. Go to book on the Little Train City tour on the dock. “What ship you on?”. “Why which is the cheapest?”. I tell them I’m on carnival – “$35″; tell them Princess, “still $35″; tell them Norweigan and its “$39.50”. By now they’ve figured we’re on Norweigan. Offer them $35 or $0. No, they want $39.50 – must be terrified of Norweigan. At which point our feet kick into gear and we scoot off. What a potential rip off.

Pick up a complete City, Country and Rum factory tour for $25. Very informative tour, although there’s really diddly squat of significance to see, but we get to see the best of it; the worst; the muddy roads with 2 foot pot holes; the countryside; the mangy dogs scratching their fleas and sunbathing in the middle of the road; try about 5 different rums. Still have quite a few vestiges of their British Colonial past, including hanging, complete with black caps when sentencing; Queen is their head of state. This place is not as poor as Roatan, but certainly won’t be on my vacation bucket list. Still in the Common Wealth but what a 3rd World dump. Why would anyone come here? Even makes you appreciate Blackburn.

Dinner in the Venetian on a table for 6. Next table is the Captain – yes we probably breathed  he same air as the Captain, we’re orgasmic. Can’t believe he has the brass balls to show his face. After last Sundays debacle it’s a wonder the passengers didn’t tar and feather him.

Thursday – hot and sunny.

Up at 07:00 for the early morning stretches. Wendy has major problems trying to replicate where to position arms and elbows – wooden.

Lazy breakfast and coffee. Then we stroll into Costa Maya. Whoa there are shops around the dock, the same shops as all the other ports. What a surprise. Mind you this place does have a swimming pool with swim up bar, small beach and performing dolphins.

Get a taxi down to the main village. Have a leisurely stroll along the beach front and fight off all the touts who want to be our friends or invite “pretty lady come and see my wares” – hmmmm.

Find a bar with free wifi and am forced to have a beer to get at the wifi.

After buying the compulsory fridge magnet it’s back on board for lunch and a leisurely read on a totally secluded area  on deck at the blunt end. No slobs here. 1 hour of this sun is all we can cope with.

Well stap me vitals if NCL haven’t tried to apologise for Sundays disaster, apparently caused by a “procedural change”, and offer a watered down Rum punch for wasting 3 hours of my life. Too little, too late and no real explanation.

Dinner is on a sharing table with two other couples. Some real slow bouncers. Certainly lacking in the stimulation and zest of the judge and his wife.

Went to the comedy show. Comedian was actually pretty good. I even managed to stay awake.

Meet up with Jewelee (Californian dive buddy and her husband) for a drink. Certainly tell she’s a California girl, reminds us of De’Shaun.

Friday – cloudy, very hot and we have an early morning rain shower. Then it’s sunny again.

We’ve been here before. No tours booked this time. We were going to do the Tulum Mayan ruins, but 2 hours on a coach, down roads fit to be used as an off road Land Rover test circuit and 90 minutes via a boat sounded like an endurance test. No doubt I’d end up shouting for Huey and Ruth as I lost my breakfast, and Wendy would have a major back trauma. So pass on the cultural overdose and decide against it.

Have a walk along the main road to the next port, that’s after we’ve been corralled into  assing all the port shops. Yes another merchandising opportunity, another Diamonds International, another Señor Frogs. Pass the town square with a nativity scene. I didn’t realise that Jesus was born in a Jewish stable complete with pigs and one of the 3 Kings was in such a hurry to get there he came on a thoroughbred race horse, the other 2 chose a elephant and the more traditional camel.

Give up with the heat, just over half way to our destination. Like two wet sponges we get a taxi back.

I suffer a Starbucks, a touch of civilisation, and of course free wifi, while Wendy tours the shops. Mind you I have to type war and peace to login.

Went to the show again, tonight it’s two gymnasts. Another show to sleep through, although Wendy kept waking me with an elbow to the ribs – at least I didn’t snore. What a miracle we experienced at the end of the show. Those gymnasts must have inspirational healing powers as all the scrots who’d sat in the disable seats were miraculously restored to full health and vigour by the end of the show!

Saturday – hot, sun, cloud and rain shower.

Overnight the German towel fairy’s been at it again, nailing scrots towels to “THEIR” deck chairs. There’s a major downpour, all the towels and books etc. are soaked. Yes, there is a god after all. Pity they weren’t just washed over board.

Start the day at the 07:00 stretch class, while Wendy stretches out in bed.

Then it’s a lazy day around the ship.

After lunch I do a yoga class. 1 hour later, 1 gallon of sweat less and I stagger back to the cabin. 

Dinner in the Venetian. Interesting watching Americans eat. You’d think some of them had never seen a knife and fork as they grab the fork in their fists. Tonight we had the gross exhibition of how fast can tow young blobbies stuff an 8 in square cream birthday cake into his gob. Gross. Fortunately it’s throwback time as he dashes to the toilet to throw up.

Go to the show with Jewelee and Gerome. It’s Bollywood, a noisy, if somewhat extravagant production complete with the same gymnastics from last night. How can a guy be expected to sleep through that ear drum piercing cata wailing! Very similar to what you can see on Blackburn market any day of the week.

Sunday – hot and sunny.

Best day for this cruise, we get off. Even I’m fed up of complaining and hearing the complaints.

Decide to take our own luggage off, that way we are totally flexible. Leisurely morning as we plan to be last off given all the dire prediction of last weeks disembarkation screw up. Leave cabin at about 12. Still an hours queue on board the ship never mind whats in the customs shed. Totally unsolicited a ships officer directs us out onto deck, and who am I to ignore an officer. This bypasses the hour long onboard queue. Totally immoral and incompetent, but it’s what we’ve come to expect. Then in the customs shed there’s only one couple in the non US queue, while US citizens are just stacked up in yet another NCL queue.

20 minutes after leaving our cabin we’re being escorted to our Hertz mobile. Well NCL got one thing right for us although I’m sure that 99% of the passengers will still be stood in line, picking there noses, and doing a Victor rant.

Drive down to Orlando. Comfort Suites in Kissimmee again. Lovely room, very comfortable, but as usual pity about the wifi.

For afternoon tea we drive down to Disney Celebration to watch the snow come down. Only in America!

Then it’s off for the meal I’ve been dreaming about all this holiday. Yes, we finally find the food of my dreams. Not a one in Marco, none in the Caribbean, none on board that floating queue liner. After 2 miles driving we find a Taco Bell. Now that’s what I call food after all that Haute Cuisine on board. Mind you I think Taco Bell must be run by NCL judging by the length of the queue.

Thursday – cool and very sunny.

Thanksgiving today. Seems like any other Thursday complete with East Enders, apart from the fact that it’s like a ghost town. But boy is it cool. Under 50F first thing. No breakfast and coffee by the pool today. By lunch time it just scraped over 60F, but not a cloud in the sky, despite the weather forecast.

Lazy morning reading and psyching my credit card up for a Thanksgiving buffet lunch at the Marriott. Good job the governments got a mortgage scheme on the go, I’ll need it. Wendy’s in spring cleaning mode ready for our departure on Saturday.

Thanksgiving buffet has a wonderful selection and you have to just love peoples creativity in how well they can pile their plates up. For me it’s some candied yams, yukon mash, badly sliced green beans, turkey and beef. $20 buys me a free drinks package. As much luscious red wine and champagne as you can consume before falling over.

Watch a black (Yes you can say black over here and no one seems to have a PC hissy fit) family of 7 with kids ranging from 1 to 14’ish. Dad gives the 1 year old, still in a high chair, a plateful of meats. One slice of each on the plate, no veg or greens. Young un has a field day and will no doubt grow up to be a big strong and healthy Republican. My sort of guy.

Somehow though I expected a bit more bonhomie and a feeling of spirituality about the event. Sadly it just seemed another excuse for gluttony and excess. 

Dutch lawmakers appear to be having second thoughts about scrapping the nation’s blasphemy laws. Despite a majority of parties in parliament agreeing in 2012 that the law should be scrapped, there now seems to be a rethink in order to placate minority religions . The blasphemy law makes it a crime to insult God, the monarch or to be disrespectful to a policeman. The legislation was introduced in the 1930s and has not been invoked for the past fifty years. In a debate on Tuesday in the upper house of parliament, or senate, Labour senator Nico Schrijver said that repealing blasphemy laws would result in minorities feeling insufficiently protected against their religious sensibilities being hurt.

Oh allah forbid they should offend the poor oppressed religion of permanent offence who have no time for democracy, free speech or human rights. Dhimmi liberal politicians who are so open minded their brains have fallen out. We’ve enough of them in the UK.

7 Taliban suffer premature ejaculation, sorry, detonation.

“Seven Taliban terrorists were busy in making mines inside a mosque in Shirzad district of the eastern Nangarhar province last night to plant on the roads and target security personnel but their device exploded accidentally killing all the seven on the spot,” the statement released here added.

Perhaps there is a god after all. Hopefully it destroyed the bomb making factory too.

Cowardly – Challenge Challenged 

Cowboys – bovine control officers

Crackpot – certified astrological consultant, certified crystal therapist, or certified past-life regression hypnotist

Crime Rate – street activity index

Dead – Actuarially Mature, biologically challenged, environmentally correct human, living impaired, metabolically challenged, persons living with entropy

Deaf – Visually Oriented

Dirty Old Man – sexually focused chronologically gifted individual 

Dish Washer – utensil sanitizer

Friday – warm and sunny. 

Clean the car and take the bike to Starbucks, while Wendy finishes off with the spring cleaning thingy.

Afternoon is a leisurely read around the pool. Was going to take HMSS Black Pig out for a last spin and top up, but a tad too breezy for amateur helmsmen.

Dishonest – Ethically disoriented.

Drunk Idiot – person on floor 

Drowning – aquatically challenged

Drug Addict – Chemically Challenged

Drunk – spacially perplexed

Earthquake – geological correction

Saturday – warm but we finally encounter some daytime rain after 4 weeks without.

Leisurely morning.

Garden shed guy, who lives across the canal, has obviously let all this thanksgiving bonhomie go to his head as he allows a female in his shed and then to top it all moves the shed. Let’s hope he’s hid his sherry, girlie magazines and cigar stash. Yes, after 4 weeks he finally sails his shed out in an atomic explosion sized cloud of blue exhaust fumes.

Walk down to the Marriott to pick up the Hertz mobile, then it’s a 3 hour drive up to Tampa. Call in at Michael Kors at Tampa, by now I’m beginning to think I should know him. Miracles, they have the dress in and it’s in Wendy’s size. By now my credit cards gone into a catatonic state in the recesses of my wallet. Dress looks pretty, pretty good so that Wendy’s Xmas and Birthday present sorted for the next 8 years.

Quality Inn for the night is a tad basic but clean and comfortable and best of all free – points.

She does not shop too much, she is overly susceptible to marketing ploys.

She does not snore, she is nasally repetitive.

She does not sun bathe, she experiences solar enhancement.

She does not wear too much makeup, she is cosmetically oversaturated.

She does not work out too much, she is an abdominal overachiever.

She does not: Get Drunk, She becomes Verbally Dyslexic

She is not a bad cook, she is microwave compatible.

She is not a bad driver, she is automotively challenged.

She is not A Gossip, She is a Verbal Terminator

Sunday – hot and sunny.

PS that’s it, no more crab or shellfish. Creatures that Filter 50 gallons of polluted water a day do my digestive system no favours. I’ve now probably got enough mercury in me to become a thermometer and enough lead to be a battery.

We both take a bike ride down to Starbucks for a leisurely, free, pumpkin spiced latte. No cream on top as a gesture to diet. Why free? Well they screwed up last time, and unsolicited gave me a free voucher as an apology. They may not pay tax, but they do have a good attitude to customer service, so the Victor in me can lie dormant.

Beware low flying palm fronds today. As we sit on the patio at Starbucks they rain down on unsuspecting passers by. Luckily no one injured but they’d certainly pole axe you.

More unnerving courtesy from drivers as they even reverse out of the way for cyclists if they’re blocking the pavement while trying to exit. 

After that a light lunch. 9 grapes, I’ve already had enough calories from that giant latte – well it was free, and it’d been un-American not to have a big ne.

Then it’s off out for a tour in the kayak. Wendy sticks to the knitting. Pity as she would have been really useful as ballast in the front of this two man (gender specific) kayak. Make it so much easier to steer and paddle. Really doesn’t know what she missing, like getting within 6 foot of an osprey. Any closer than that and he clearly doesn’t want to share the big fish he’s greedily keeping in his claws. Plenty more big rich houses and boats. The one thing that seems to be lacking is people.

How lucky can you get. This is the life. As I get up close and personal with a dolphin, any closer and he’ll be on my lap or vice versa.

Thought for the day, from aboard my kayak. If I’d not seen the light, the thought of those lunatics running the asylum, I could still be working for the evil empire for at least another 13 months, 
 hanging in there like loose teeth, before me gold watch ceremony! 

Whoopee 17:00. Break open a classic beer – Warsteiner – and get me $20 black box of Merlot on standby – quality wine. Hopefully can anaesthetise me taste buds before having to eat me weekly Sunday vegetables / greens – allegedly they’re good for me. Never mind soon be junk food Monday.

Good news. It seems that either god or Wendy has been reading my blog draft. No greens today, instead I get me favourite vegetable – yes, I do have one – sweetcorn.

How to describe a women. The non PC version of course:

Her breasts will never sag, they will lose their vertical hold.

She does not get drunk, she is accidentally over served or she becomes verbally dyslexic.

She does not get PMS, she becomes hormonally homicidal.

She does not hate sports on TV, she is athletically biased.

She does not have a great butt, she is gluteus to the maximus.

She does not have a hard body, she is anatomically inflexible.

New headline – Cameron to defy EU on migrants. Has he finally grown some gonads? Will common sense prevail? Don’t hold your breath. We’re more likely to see Christmas carols led by Abdullah bin Abdulaziz bin Abdulrahman bin Faisal bin Turki bin Abdullah bin Muhammad bin Saud (Saudi king geezer to give him his full name) around a Christmas tree in a pub in Saudi, than have the EU kicked into touch.

Afghan government officials have proposed reintroducing public stoning as a punishment for adultery, Human Rights Watch said, even though the practice has been denounced both inside and outside the country as one of the most repugnant symbols of the Taliban regime.The sentence for married adulterers, along with flogging for unmarried offenders, appears in a draft revision of the country’s penal code being managed by the ministry of ‘justice’.

Am I surprised?

Monday – warm, sun and plenty of cloud.

Drive down to Fort Myers to see what it has to offer. Not a lot is the answer, apart from more law firms than there are inmans issuing ridiculous fatwas. However they do have these guys and galls wandering around in shorts and bright yellow tee shirts with the words “Parking  Ambassador” splashed across their back. I’ll give you one guess what their function is? Traffic wardens – only in America.

Call in at Miramar Outlets to see if Michael Kors, we don’t know him personally, has Wendy’s Christmas dress in. Sadly no just a load of old tat. I have leisurely Starbucks and some blobby watching whilst Wendy has a browse in peace. Seems like the place is full of last years tat.

Here we have up to 990 channels of mind numbing mush, dominated by adverts so long that you can cook a 3 course meal during each one and nothing worth even channel hopping for. TV to pick your nose to.

A small comment on American coffee. It all, and I do mean all, used to be brown coloured flavourless pinklewater, with not even the taste of rancid dishwater to distinguish it. Now thanks to Starbucks and a few good followers / imitators it seems that there’s been an American coffee industry epiphany. They’ve discovered that coffee can have flavour, be strong and have a real kick to it. It has resulted in a culture of coffee zealots – an ironic biblical reversal of a zealot having an epiphany.

Let’s hope that in the not too distant future they can have an epiphany and discover good lager / beer.

Now here’s a PC term from the progressive dhimmis in the Obama administration:

Global War on Terror – Overseas Contingency Operation.

How to describe a women. The non PC version of course:

She does not have a killer body, she is terminally attractive.

She does not have big hair, she is overly aerosoled.

She does not have big hooters, her cups runneth over.

She does not have great cleavage or a great rack, her breasts are centrally located.

She does not have sexy lips, she is collagen dependent.

She does not shave her legs, she experiences temporary stubble reduction.

How wrong can you be about something so mind numbingly trivial:

The British Hen Welfare Trust. Re-homes commercial laying hens. Some 393,684 re-homed to date. Educates the public about how they can make a difference to hen welfare. Can you believe it? Surely someones having a laugh. Patrons include the chef Jamie Oliver and actress Amanda Holden. It says all hens should be given access to the outdoors and wants farmers to convert to small scale free-range systems.Yet research by an independent expert on animal welfare has found that the average free-range laying hen enjoys a lower standard of welfare than one kept in a cage.

Goldfish for jam jars.

And who says Angola is a backward, third World country. They’re certainly not stupid:

Angola has reportedly declared Islam illegal and ordered for all of the country’s mosques to be closed down. Minister of culture Rosa Cruz e Silva said that mosques in the largely Christian country would be closed until further notice. She described Islam as a sect that would be banned as counter to Angolan customs and culture.

Looks like I’ll be adding it to my TripAdvisor bucket list!

Tuesday – starts off cloudy, is this going to be a Belthorn day? No by 10:00 suns out and we’re heading to the 80’s, again.

Bike down to the local museum. Very swish. Very small. Very free. Learn a lot about the Calusa indians. They died out before the white man had chance to rob them of their land and commit genocide. No one knows why. Was it disease from the conquistadors and their animals? Was it climate? Or did they know that they would be herded to some barren desert land, given a casino to run and their days would be numbered in the 20th century? 

Also get a good historical understanding of how Marco Island was developed or exploited depending upon which side of the eco PC fence you sit. Take it from us as we cycle, cruise in HMSS Black Pig and kayak around, it’s a veritable civilised paradise. Although it does lack a Taco Bell. By far the nicest place we’ve been to in Florida.

By way of a change we call in at Starbucks. Another free coffee courtesy of the offer on my empty coffee bag. Sit and people watch. How come the guy in a stunning blue open top SL550, yes I’m drooling with envy at the car, has a disabled sticker, you have to be fit to get in and out of one? Is that the Michelin women whose just bulged by on her collapsing bike in, her fat fold hugging blue lycra, complete with cellulite dimples as deep as sink holes?

Lazy afternoon around the pool, with Pat Condell and Jeremy Clarkson for comfort. How I love their rants. Should be compulsory reading in all English literature and religious studies classes.

Now how to describe a man, non PC version of course to maintain equality and balance:

He does not have a beer gut; he develops a Liquid Grain Storage Facility. 

He does not: Hog the blankets He is: Thermally unappreciative

He is not: Unsophisticated He is: Socially malformed

He does not: Eat like a pig He suffers from: Reverse bulimia

He is not: A sex machine He is: Romantically automated

He is not a: Male chauvinist pig He has: Swine empathy

He is not: Quiet He is a: Conversational minimalist

How embarrassing:

Thank you for contacting the BBC iPlayer Support Team. 

“We understand that you feel it is unnecessary to be asked if you have installed BBC iPlayer Downloads every time you try to download a programme.

This message is seen as we haven’t determined a way to successfully detect whether the software is installed.”

Typical BBC iPlayer crap. About time they employed some proper programmers, a good tester, an HCI expert and someone with some common sense.

Baroness Warsi, our unelected “Minister for Faith”, in a speech at Georgetown University in Washington on Friday, stated that the UK is “committed to working with the United Nations Human Rights Council to implement Resolution 16/18. “We are? Can anyone remember agreeing to this dhimmi idea?

She then went on to make this hilarious statement: “The Organisation of Islamic Cooperation (OIC) also remains a key partner in our quest to promote religious freedom.” She’s obviously either that stupid and ignorant of the atrocities and human right violations perpetrated in the name of religion in islamic states, in which case she shouldn’t even be allowed out to walk a dog never mind spout up for this country. Or she is doing that convenient muslim thing of taqiyya, lying to non-believers – permitted according to the Koran.

Should we laugh or cry? Resolution 16/18, mainly a ban on blasphemy, another nail in the Free Speech coffin, is a proposal which received the support of the United States back in 2011, it calls upon UN member states to combat “intolerance, negative stereotyping and stigmatization of, and discrimination, incitement to violence and violence against, persons based on religion or belief.” It was initially introduced in March 2011 at the UN Human Rights Council by the OIC. This coterie, dominated by Islamist states, had made several previous attempts to have a resolution passed which aimed to criminalise “defamation of religions” but had failed. This time, due to some clever re-wording, the tactic worked and non-binding resolution was agreed.

Interesting how this could backfire on islamic states who persecute Christians etc. Mind you not that they’ll bother with that bit of it, but instead just use it as another excuse to throw their toys out the pram, riot, threaten, kill and squeal like a stuck pig (Expression offensive? Tough) any time the religion of permanent offence is quite rightly criticised.

So here’s my promise. Once all the islamic states have fully implemented resolution 16 / 18, including prosecution of violators then I’ll shout the benefits of 16 / 18 from the top of the highest minaret in Blackburn. Don’t bother to take your iPhone ear pods out this millennium.

Wednesday –  Wow that was some storm overnight, thunder, lightning, a deluge, the works. Fortunately the weather here has the good sense to keep the rain etc to night time.

Lazy morning. No farmers market trip today. 

Even lazier afternoon reading around the pool.

Sorry there’s not much in the way of photos so instead I’ve posted some totally inappropriate, non PC joke pictures after Wendy’s seditious face book posting.

Now some good news. Don’t have a colour for good news, it’s so rare. Apparently Britain risks being seen as the “nasty country” of Europe if it presses ahead with unilateral curbs on benefit payments to new migrants from the European Union, a top EU official warned today.

Bring it on, lets go all out to create an image worse than Taliban dominated Afghanistan complete with roaming gangs of xenophobic fascist gangs and black death, plague and pestilence endemic in all corners of the realm. Perhaps we should spend a bob or two with Satchi and Satchi to really push the image.That should keep the buggers out.

Bad news is they’re not really tough enough. Simple until you’ve paid in for a few years (the more the merrier) you’re entitled to nought, zero, nada, zilch.

Now how to describe a man, non PC version of course to maintain equality and balance:

You do not: Undress him with your eyes You have a: Introspective pornographic moment

He is not: Afraid of commitment He is: Monogamously challenged

He does not have a: Fabulous rear end He has achieved: Buttocks perfection

He is not: Stupid He suffers from: Minimal cranial development

He does not: Get lost all the time He discovers: Alternative destinations

He is not: Balding He is in: Follicle regression

You really do have to laugh at these latest fatwas from Egypt, issued by Muslim Brotherhood and Salafis, they regard women as strange creatures created solely for sex. They considered the voices of women, their looks and presence outside the walls of their homes an ‘offence.’ Some went as far as to consider women as a whole ‘offensive.

A woman swimming is an ‘adulteress’. But fear not for there is a perfectly rational explanation. When a women goes swimming, as the word for sea is masculine, when “the water touches the woman’s private parts, she becomes an ‘adulteress’ and should be punished.”.  Hang on then. If a man goes swimming is he being a gay. And we all know what happens to gay muslims – bring out the mobile cranes. Looks like swimmings out for all muslims.

Women touching bananas is forbidden. Women are forbidden from eating certain vegetables or even touching cucumbers or bananas, due to their phallic imagery, which may tempt women to deviate. About as rational as stoning a women for being raped.

It is unacceptable for women to turn the air conditioning on at home during the absence of their husbands as this could be used as a sign to indicate to neighbors that the woman is at home alone and any of them could commit adultery with her. Think it’s  more to do with muslim men being tight wads and wanting to save some money.

Marriage to ten-year-old girls should be allowed to prevent girls “from deviating from the right path”.

A marriage is annulled if the husband and wife copulate with no clothes on. Must be so much better having a shag in a burka.

One sanctioned the use of women and children as human shields in violent demonstrations and protests, as these are considered jihads to empower Islam.

Even slavery was permitted, according to the study: “the people who issued these fatwas demanded the enactment of a law allowing divorced women to own slaves,” presumably to help her, as she no longer has a man to support her.

But I’ve saved the best until last “adult breastfeeding,” (bitty) which called on women to “breastfeed” male acquaintances, thereby making them relatives and justifying their mixed company — was issued by Al Azhar, but later retracted.

All coming to a town near us if we don’t stop this pernicious, barbaric religion.

Thursday – hot and sunny.

Shopping morning as Wendy wants another sun dress. Yesterdays heat has driven her in search of really cool clothes – cool in the lack of therms sense, not the over abused perversion of the word sense.

Wendy has been hankering to visit the local thrift store, full of the rich coffee morning Stepford wives, with their open top sports cars ,  rummaging around for a bargain. Seems like Wendy’s got withdrawal symptoms, missing Blackburn British Heart Foundation shop, part of her weekly shopping treat back home – sad. Similar concept. Totally different clientele.

Then we come across another example of Americas obsession with dogs. This time it’s a cafe and bakery for dogs. The owners must be dafter than their dogs.

Marco Island is just teaming with open top cars. Usually driven by bejewelled Stepford wives or 70 year old fellows trying to recapture their mis-spent youth in their phallic rump hunters. Will someone please ship me my SLK over, it cries out for it. Mind you there’s not so many of those cheap SLK here, they’re nearly all the proper SL550 thoroughbreds.

It also seems like there’s a new job creation scheme. Job title dust blower. Yes, they’ve given up blowing the leafs somewhere else, now they’re paying someone to blow dust away – do they not realise it will come back.

That’s another 2 hours of my life gone up in smoke. It would have been more usefully spent trying to teach a Taliban the Lords prayer.

As my compensation we stop at Starbucks for a coffee.

Lazy afternoon sorting out these iPads while Madame Defarge clicks away around the pool, knitting yet another jumper. Never mind, all that clicking will keep the lizards at bay.

Catch up on BBC TV in the evening. More Eastenders rattling on, still it beats America’s offerings. TV to pick your nose to, spread over 400 channels. Meanwhile on Netflix we’ve started on “Nip & Tuck” and “Weeds”. Preferable to Eastenders anyday, but then again watching palm trees grow is favourable to watching that dragged out soap.

The Royal Navy intercepted three boatloads of people off the Kent coast near Dover today. This interception placed the Royal Navy in an awkward position, as the boats were not heading to, but away from Kent towards France.
 
Another surprise finding was that they were loaded with British people who were all seniors of pensionable age. Their claim was that they were trying to get to Calais so as to be able to return to the UK as illegal immigrants and therefore be entitled to far more benefits than they were receiving as legitimate UK pensioners.
 
The Navy, it is believed, gave them food, water and fuel and assisted them on their journey.
 
We are booking to get on the next boat out; let me know if you want to come.

Friday – hot, sun and cloud.

Up at the crack of sparrows. Off on a 2 hour naturalist (they’re the ones that come fully clothed – thank god) guided kayak tour around Rookery Bay nature reserve . Needless to say Wendy sticks with the knitting.

There’s only 3 of us on the tour. All Brits which is unusual considering we’ve hardly encountered any compatriots for 3 weeks. Mind you the women has as much control of her kayak as I do with a shopping trolley. Or perhaps she was so attracted to me she just couldn’t resist ramming me!

Great tour full of interesting facts and creatures pulled out of the swamps, they make it really interesting and informative, especially on all the conservation work.

See plenty of wildlife Herons, including little blue heron; egrets; ibis; storks; more osprey than muslims at a stoning; clams; oysters; molluscs; dolphins to name but a few. A good morning out.

After lunch Wendy does her shopping thing and I have a leisurely afternoon around the pool reading and hibernating in the cool air con. Then we get our first experience of daytime rain. Just 10 minutes of a monsoon and then it gives up, none of your long drawn out all day drizzle.

A few thoughts on American cheese. As your probably aware by now we love most things American and they do excel in those shallow but oh so nice things like quality of housing, luxury cars and overall quality of life. But when it comes to cheese they’re definitely in the 3rd World. Most of it seems to be made of plastic, similar in consistency to a soft but not too sloppy white plastic rubber. When it comes to taste then it’s like munching on a flavourless jelly fish, all the taste and texture of a mouldy fried octopus. They, the Americans, have about 40 different cheeses. Most seems processed. Whilst I think my views on France, especially it’s dour ignorant miserable inhabitants, are well known, I do have to admit that their 400 different appellation controlled cheeses do excel. What about British cheese I hear you say. Well they are good and tasty but I never considered us to be up there with the French in terms of numbers, but research shows we have some 700 different cheeses. That’ll teach me to underestimate good old Blighty. 

More PC terms:

Battle Fatigued – shellshocked 

Blind – optically darker, photonically non-receptive, visually challenged

Body Odor – nondiscretionary fragrance.

Broken Down Automobile – mechanically challenged 

Broken Home – Dysfunctional Family

Bum – Displaced Homeowner, Homeless Person, Involuntarily Domiciled

Cannibalism – Intra-Species Dining

Censorship – Selective Speech

A major inquiry has been launched into female genital mutilation to ‘get to the truth’ about why no-one has been convicted three decades after it was made illegal. 

It is estimated that as many as 66,000 women in the UK have suffered FGM with 24,000 girls under 11 also at risk. It seems to me the truth is as obvious as Islams hatred of free speech. Just another example of the dhimmi approach of the scardy nere do wells in the big chatter house and the piloce. Allah forbid we should upset muslim sensibilities. Mustn’t antagonise local cohesion.

New law – lets not bother fining or imprisoning anyone found guilty. Just deport them.

Saturday – Hot, sun and cloud.

Well we’ve been here 3 weeks now and I’m starting to get withdrawal symptoms. Not a black bin  liner anywhere to be seen; not even a black or multi-coloured hijab; no bearded ones; no white tea cosy’s on heads; no white pyjamas or flowing gowns from the bottom half of a Klu Klux Klan muppet. Now I know the average age around here’s somewhere in that top quartile, but theres no zimmer frame grid lock, probably all had platinum hip replacements on private health care, rather then waiting for a ready rusted cast iron Obamcare job. But sadly I can’t even recall seeing any crotch droppings.

Lazy morning and then we decide to go down to the local Snook Inn for lunch. Big difference is we go in the boat. Provide some entertainment for the diners as Captain Pugwash tries to dock the HMSS Black Pig, with Maggie Lafayette’s assistance. Getting better but still not as easy as it looks.

Have a lovely crab, fish, scallops (slightly under cooked for our liking) and conch meal. Need the usual doggy tray to take half the meal home. Forgive me for I have sinned. The flesh was just too weak, as i have a pint of amber ale. To celebrate our first pub lunch by boat, my excuse anyway. I love crab cakes but they very rarely seem to love me. Tomorrow will tell.

Leisurely sail back with Maggie Lafayette at the helm, while Captain Pugwash soaks up some rays. Just look at the speed as she gets cocky and cranks it up to all of 12 knots

More bollocks from the PC liberal progressives. it seems they are so open minded their brains have fallen out:

Universities can segregate students during debates as long as the women are not forced to sit behind the men, university leaders have said. Segregation at the behest of a controversial speaker is an issue which arises “all the time” and banning men and women from sitting next to each during debates is a “big issue” facing universities, Universities UK has said. As a result they have issued guidance which suggests that segregation is likely to be acceptable as long as men and women are seated side by side and one party is not at a disadvantage.

Not it’s not a big issue. It’s simple, this is GREAT Britain. These are our ways. Why are highly paid intellectual vice chancellors wasting public money even considering this. We allow the sexes to intermingle, they have even been known to sit on the same toilets seats, share bicycles, we even allow them to have sex, it’s all part of our culture. If some loony hate preacher or other religious fanatic wants to talk at our universities, I’m all for it, freedom of speech. BUT. They do it on our cultural terms or bugger off. Not a day goes by without an example of even more dhimmitude.

It really is enough to make you want to join those thugs and scrots in the EDL. I think I’m going to start a new organisation “Middle England Defence League” (MEDLers) for sensible people. They exist in their millions. They’ve all had enough of this daily lunacy. They’re fed up with common senseless dhimmi politicians on this and other issues. They don’t want their grandchildren growing up wearing black bin liners and beards. Wake up. Smell the coffee, they are at war with us and seek to overthrow our way of life.

Cheating – Academic Dishonesty

China – Porcelain

Chronically Late – Temporarily Challenged

Clumsy – uniquely coordinated

Commercial Fisherman – Flipper Whipper

Computer Illiterate – Technologically Challenged

Corpse – Permanently Static Post-Human Mass, Metabolically Challenged, Terminally Inconvenienced

Sounded illogical to me, but at the time I had no evidence to refute it, so I started digging.

A major study by JAMA (Journal of the American Medical Association) shows a direct correlation  between gun laws and gun-related fatalities. It confirms that generally speaking, stricter gun laws result in fewer deaths.

This study flies in the face of everything the NRA’s claims. This is the report’s conclusion:

“In conclusion, we found an association between the legislative strength of a state’s firearm laws—as measured by a higher number of laws—and a lower rate of firearm fatalities. The association was significant for firearm fatalities overall and for firearm suicide and firearm homicide deaths, individually.” Stricter gun laws equal fewer gun deaths.

“Experts” from the Harvard School of Public Health, using data from 26 developed countries, have shown that wherever there are more firearms, there are more homicides. I’ve a 6 year granddaughter who could have figured that out. Britain has one of the Worlds toughest gun control laws and lowest death rates. You are 40 times more likely to be shot and die in the USA than in the UK.

Another ridiculous NRA claim is that if everyone packed an assault rifle and a couple revolvers with high capacity clips, no one will ever get shot except “bad guys.”

Again ”the evidence” suggests that on average, having a gun actually increases the likelihood that a person will be injured or killed, rather than that it will be used to protect that individual from harm. If you own a gun, the most likely person you are to shoot is yourself. The next most likely person you are to shoot is a close family member. Homes with guns are a dozen times more likely to have household members or guests killed or injured by the weapon than by an intruder. The odds are much greater that the gun will be used against you or a loved one than that it will be used against an armed assailant or an intruder. Firearms are more often discharged in a homicide, suicide or an accident, than in self-defense.

Clearly owning a gun increases your risk of falling victim to a gun accident, a suicide or a homicide.

The data to support the NRA claims is non-existent.

The public strongly supports stricter gun laws. The NRA opposes all of them.

The NRA is really a front organization for gun manufacturers and retailers who make billions a year off gun sales. The NRA is not so much about protecting constitutional rights as they are about protecting profits.

So next time you hear this ludicrous NRA propaganda you’ll know the facts.

Sunday – very hot, very sunny.

Answer to who said it:

What is wrong with inciting intense dislike of a religion if the activities or teaching of that religion are so outrageous, irrational or abusive of human rights that they deserve to be intensely disliked.”

Rowan Atkinson

Where has all me disc space gone. 250 Gig  own to 500 Megs, hardly enough left store me wet tee shirt pics. Whatever happened to those halcyon days when a 2 Meg Toshiba laptop was the dogs doodaahs. I wouldn’t mind all me data files fit into a 2 Gig Dropbox account. The rest is op sys, photos, “One Foot in the Grave”, rants and music. Spent another morning doing long overdue housekeeping. Me hero, Victor, has had all his series cast out to a backup disc – times is hard.

Fresh pineapple again for lunch. Luscious. Pity it’s lipids like me lips.

Blistering barnacles, what better way to spend a very hot, very sunny Sunday afternoon than to take to the high seas with Captain Pugwash and his deckhand Maggie Lafayette. Maggie was all for having Pugwash keel hauled because the sea was too bumpy and going too fast, all of 20 knots (note the nauticals). Was lovely out there, next time we need to take our lunch with us. The Captain survived the whole afternoon at sea without calling for Huey and Ruth, no diced carrots for the seagulls. Docking is a tricky task. Only took 3 attempts.

Apparently UK electric blanket and fire manufacturers is a good sector to be in. Or less subtly put it’s due to get colder and snow. Apparently the UK’s due a 3 month cold snap. Considering they can’t forecast, they stand as much chance of getting it right as I would of selling bibles in the market in Tehran.

Oh and I forgot to mention its 84F here today, just having some air conditioned respite.

Ponder this:

With increased Muslim demographics, the politics of Westminster could well be radically altered. A Muslim party or a Muslim-dominated Labour Party could eventually hold the balance of power, making it impossible to form a government without their support.

And the price of that support could well be official recognition of Islamic culture such as the call to prayer throughout the country, Muslim public holidays, sharia banking, fully operating sharia courts and major changes to foreign policy on Israel and the US. And my grandkids with beards and walking around with a black bin liner over their heads.

Yes, the religion of peace has no truck with democracy or human rights but it will gladly use our  emocratic freedoms to their own ends to get control, introduce sharia and a new caliphate. Of course our loony dhimmi left wing liberal storm troopers and do gooders will be falling over themselves to bring about the downfall of our way of life.

Wake up before it’s too late and smell the stench of sharia and human rights atrocities perpetrated in the name of the religion of peace.

Monday – hot and sunny.

In the morning we drive down to have a stroll around old Marco village. Well it has a sign saying old Marco Village but that’s about all there is of it. Being America we didn’tt expect a 14th Century village complete with pond, stocks, giblet and thatched cottages, but even the sign was circa 2000.

Mind you it didn’t have a decent ball and chain.

Then in the afternoon I take to the kayak. Manage to launch it without drowning. Explore the waterways and admire the multi-million $ homes and boats – most of them empty. Manage not to go tits up but circling vultures obviously thought there might be a good chance. Pleasant afternoon. Wendy passes on the opportunity, even though she has her life jacket. it’s a two seater and she would have been useful as some front ballast.

Just planning our travels for next year. We’ve got Park City for January to end of August. Will be coming home mid April to mid May, then 2 weeks in France before returning to spend all of summer in Park City.

Looks like we need to be in the UK for a happy family event in September. Then we can try and escape again until Christmas.

We’ve just agreed a home exchange mid October to mid November in Albuquerque, really need to learn how to spell it, of Breaking Bad fame. Now looking for some places in Texas for mid November to mid December. Then I suppose it’s home for Christmas.

The more adventurous amongst you may advocate holidays in more exotic climbs, with no electricity; no running water; bed bugs, lizards and cock roaches for bed mates; with the flux (Trots) as a reward for being brave and trying a local delicacy. Nope. Not for us. Our basic criteria for holiday locations is civilisation. That means wifi and electricity; no need for your own set of needles, in case you go into hospital; no hint of sharia law or any chance of me being stoned for my comments, perfectly justified I might add, on that religion of peace. So it’s Florida and anywhere in North America for us. Boring? How can it  e? They have wifi nearly everywhere, gourmet restaurants and cafes like Taco Bell and Starbucks, and booze in their supermarkets – apart from some of those loony blue law states that are infringing their first amendment.

When we’ve explored all the civilised places then we may start on more exotic locations. Or there again we may do them all over again.

Now I don’t know what’s happening with the British press. Perhaps it’s there new found fear of a Royal Charter but I’m amazed that a recent incident hasn’t made it to the mass media. Well never mind, I’m not afraid to report it. Sadly it concerns the EDL. Now let me be absolutely clear I am no fan of these morons. In the main they’re just a load of scrots looking for trouble and the muslim media machine must just love their antics, as it does the muslim cause more good than harm.

But this concerns a recent EDL march where a man was wearing a burka. Why not. He was trying  o make a point for equality under the law. He was arrested under section 60 for refusing to remove the burka. If you refuse to be placed under surveillance at a political protest by wearing a head covering , such as a burka, in order to conceal your identity, you will be jailed. However, there is little evidence of this being applied if you are a Muslim protesting in a burk – the UK Govt allows you to wear a Burka. This in effect creates a two-tier system in the UK, where Muslims are given favorable rights and non-Muslims are harassed and jailed. This is what the EDL yob was complaining about. I admire him for his stance, we need more people standing up for equality under the law, but his way of going about it just made a mockery of his quite valid point. 

If he had any intelligence he would have researched the acts of oppression (yes there are plenty of them in the UK) before hand; calmly and with dignity asked the police officer for the boundaries of the authorised area; asked for the name of the senior police officer authorising and what was their grounds for a reasonable belief that violence has or is about to occur; then removed the burka. Perhaps then it would have been headline news.

“Section 60 of the Criminal Justice and Public Order Act 1994 allows a police officer to stop and search a person without suspicion. Section 60 stops and searches can take place in an area which has been authorised by a senior police officer on the basis of their reasonable belief that violence has or is about to occur, and where it is expedient to prevent it or search people for a weapon if one was involved in the incident.

Yet another attack on our freedoms and a classic example of this countries dhimmi attitude.

Tuesday – very hot and very sunny despite forecast of clouds and 50% chance of rain.

Decide to drive up to Sanibel and Captiva Islands. They may only be 50 mile away but with all the traffic lights it takes two hours.

Sanibel’s a lovely old World charm Island. Not as commercialised and urbanised as Marco. A real  each persons place. Some lovely beaches, full of shell seekers. Trip Advisors number one attraction is the public library – now that has to be a first and shows a complete lack of exploitation and tourist attractions. Oh forgot to mention it does have a shell museum, about as tempting as visiting a Taliban museum of science and evolution.

Not a traffic light to be seen. They seem to be doing their bit for global warming by having cops direct traffic. Yet another example, along with leaf blowing, advertising sign wavers and flag men, of American futile job creation schemes.

Visit the old lighthouse and beach. Wendy decides to be brave and have a paddle, without her life jacket I might add.

Have lunch at an eclectic popular restaurant called the Island Cow. Typical excess portions of American grub, enough to feed a family of 15 for a week. But good food all the same and pretty reasonable.

Then visit the Island Nature reserve and take the nature drive. Wendy keeps in the car to avoid feeding the noseeums that apparently are out for her blood!

Drive over to Captiva Island. Even less developed. It’s main claim to fame being it has a Stop sign.

A long day, a lot of driving but enjoyed our Sanibel trip. Lovely Island, nearly as nice as Marco.

Beans on toast for tea, after that classic Rueben’s for lunch, both my favourites. After 43 years Wendy still serves them beans raw. How many more times before she realises they need a knob of butter and at least 15 minutes.

US drivers have an outright dread of pedestrians that never ceases to amaze and un-nerve me. When they’re in a car it’s like they fear some mystical vortex or force field around you; won’t come anywhere near you; give way, at a very discrete distance, like some sycophantic arse licking toady worshipping your very presence. Of course the inverse of all that is when they’re on the road they  aunter across on their mobile phones, chatting with friends and smoking their electric cigarettes like an arrogant French tart touting for business.

Give me the UK approach to life. If you’re on the road, then you’re fair game. You know where you stand or are about to be knocked over. Unbelievably, it obviously works as you’re 4 times more likely to be killed on US roads than in the UK.

Finally finish off Orange is the New Black – not bad. What to watch next on Netflix is the big decision? Still haven’t found anything worth watching on US TV – now there’s a surprise.

More PC and Non PC:

Riddle me this then?

The religion of peace is sensitive to anything that offends them. Riots, killing, fatwas and take to  he streets in protest even over a few cartoons. Yet daily there are atrocities carried out in the name of their religion, if these offend, misrepresents or is against their religion why haven’t they thrown their toys out the pram by now? Why aren’t they out on the streets protesting? Why aren’t they burning terrorist flags and images of jihadists? Why aren’t they bellowing and catawalling in anger from every minaret?

I leave you to your own conclusions, but in my mind as long as the so called “moderate muslims” stand by and say nothing then I know what my conclusion is.

Wednesday – yet another forecast of sun, clouds and 50% chance of rain. Turns out very hot (84F) and very sunny.

Decide to do the locals thing and get out early for a walk up to the farmers market. After 5 hours; 16,062 steps; 6 miles; 2 coffee stops; 1 ice cream; 4 rests on shaded forms; 8 dress shops; 1 new sun dress;1 close encounter with a tiny snake of unknown venom and a 10 minute stop in the sanctuary of the Marriots air conditioning, we get back home. By now Wendy’s walking slower than a Gopher Tortoise crossing a road covered in treacle and looks and feels like a cabbage that’s been simmered for an hour to make sauerkraut. She really can’t cope with this heat. Moan, moan, moan. Even fantasising about being at home in the cold, pouring rain – must be heat stroke.

Somehow I think we got the timing wrong as walking back in the mid day sun there’s not a local to be seen. Mad dogs and …….

More PC terms:

A Criminal – unsavory character 

A Crook – morally (ethically) challenged

Abortion – Near-Life Experience 

Alcoholic – Anti-Sobriety Activist

Alive – temporarily metabolically abled.

An Immigrant – a newcomer 

Assassination – involuntary term limitation 

Bald – comb-free, folic ally independent, follicularly challenged.

There is a god after all.

“The long-term unemployed will be required to do community service in return for benefits under a workfare scheme to be introduced next April.”

Fantastic news. Common sense prevails. Has Cameron been reading my rants?

Only sad news is it’s those who have been unemployed for more than 2 years, but it’s a start. They can start reducing it down to a sensible time period like 2 weeks.

Sunday – very hot, very sunny.

Answer to who said it:

What is wrong with inciting intense dislike of a religion if the activities or teaching of that religion are so outrageous, irrational or abusive of human rights that they deserve to be intensely disliked.”

Rowan Atkinson

Where has all me disc space gone. 250 Gig  own to 500 Megs, hardly enough left store me wet tee shirt pics. Whatever happened to those halcyon days when a 2 Meg Toshiba laptop was the dogs doodaahs. I wouldn’t mind all me data files fit into a 2 Gig Dropbox account. The rest is op sys, photos, “One Foot in the Grave”, rants and music. Spent another morning doing long overdue housekeeping. Me hero, Victor, has had all his series cast out to a backup disc – times is hard.

Fresh pineapple again for lunch. Luscious. Pity it’s lipids like me lips.

Blistering barnacles, what better way to spend a very hot, very sunny Sunday afternoon than to take to the high seas with Captain Pugwash and his deckhand Maggie Lafayette. Maggie was all for having Pugwash keel hauled because the sea was too bumpy and going too fast, all of 20 knots (note the nauticals). Was lovely out there, next time we need to take our lunch with us. The Captain survived the whole afternoon at sea without calling for Huey and Ruth, no diced carrots for the seagulls. Docking is a tricky task. Only took 3 attempts.

Apparently UK electric blanket and fire manufacturers is a good sector to be in. Or less subtly put it’s due to get colder and snow. Apparently the UK’s due a 3 month cold snap. Considering they can’t forecast, they stand as much chance of getting it right as I would of selling bibles in the market in Tehran.

Oh and I forgot to mention its 84F here today, just having some air conditioned respite.

Ponder this:

With increased Muslim demographics, the politics of Westminster could well be radically altered. A Muslim party or a Muslim-dominated Labour Party could eventually hold the balance of power, making it impossible to form a government without their support.

And the price of that support could well be official recognition of Islamic culture such as the call to prayer throughout the country, Muslim public holidays, sharia banking, fully operating sharia courts and major changes to foreign policy on Israel and the US. And my grandkids with beards and walking around with a black bin liner over their heads.

Yes, the religion of peace has no truck with democracy or human rights but it will gladly use our  emocratic freedoms to their own ends to get control, introduce sharia and a new caliphate. Of course our loony dhimmi left wing liberal storm troopers and do gooders will be falling over themselves to bring about the downfall of our way of life.

Wake up before it’s too late and smell the stench of sharia and human rights atrocities perpetrated in the name of the religion of peace.

Monday – hot and sunny.

In the morning we drive down to have a stroll around old Marco village. Well it has a sign saying old Marco Village but that’s about all there is of it. Being America we didn’tt expect a 14th Century village complete with pond, stocks, giblet and thatched cottages, but even the sign was circa 2000.

Mind you it didn’t have a decent ball and chain.

Then in the afternoon I take to the kayak. Manage to launch it without drowning. Explore the waterways and admire the multi-million $ homes and boats – most of them empty. Manage not to go tits up but circling vultures obviously thought there might be a good chance. Pleasant afternoon. Wendy passes on the opportunity, even though she has her life jacket. it’s a two seater and she would have been useful as some front ballast.

Just planning our travels for next year. We’ve got Park City for January to end of August. Will be coming home mid April to mid May, then 2 weeks in France before returning to spend all of summer in Park City.

Looks like we need to be in the UK for a happy family event in September. Then we can try and escape again until Christmas.

We’ve just agreed a home exchange mid October to mid November in Albuquerque, really need to learn how to spell it, of Breaking Bad fame. Now looking for some places in Texas for mid November to mid December. Then I suppose it’s home for Christmas.

The more adventurous amongst you may advocate holidays in more exotic climbs, with no electricity; no running water; bed bugs, lizards and cock roaches for bed mates; with the flux (Trots) as a reward for being brave and trying a local delicacy. Nope. Not for us. Our basic criteria for holiday locations is civilisation. That means wifi and electricity; no need for your own set of needles, in case you go into hospital; no hint of sharia law or any chance of me being stoned for my comments, perfectly justified I might add, on that religion of peace. So it’s Florida and anywhere in North America for us. Boring? How can it  e? They have wifi nearly everywhere, gourmet restaurants and cafes like Taco Bell and Starbucks, and booze in their supermarkets – apart from some of those loony blue law states that are infringing their first amendment.

When we’ve explored all the civilised places then we may start on more exotic locations. Or there again we may do them all over again.

Now I don’t know what’s happening with the British press. Perhaps it’s there new found fear of a Royal Charter but I’m amazed that a recent incident hasn’t made it to the mass media. Well never mind, I’m not afraid to report it. Sadly it concerns the EDL. Now let me be absolutely clear I am no fan of these morons. In the main they’re just a load of scrots looking for trouble and the muslim media machine must just love their antics, as it does the muslim cause more good than harm.

But this concerns a recent EDL march where a man was wearing a burka. Why not. He was trying  o make a point for equality under the law. He was arrested under section 60 for refusing to remove the burka. If you refuse to be placed under surveillance at a political protest by wearing a head covering , such as a burka, in order to conceal your identity, you will be jailed. However, there is little evidence of this being applied if you are a Muslim protesting in a burk – the UK Govt allows you to wear a Burka. This in effect creates a two-tier system in the UK, where Muslims are given favorable rights and non-Muslims are harassed and jailed. This is what the EDL yob was complaining about. I admire him for his stance, we need more people standing up for equality under the law, but his way of going about it just made a mockery of his quite valid point. 

If he had any intelligence he would have researched the acts of oppression (yes there are plenty of them in the UK) before hand; calmly and with dignity asked the police officer for the boundaries of the authorised area; asked for the name of the senior police officer authorising and what was their grounds for a reasonable belief that violence has or is about to occur; then removed the burka. Perhaps then it would have been headline news.

“Section 60 of the Criminal Justice and Public Order Act 1994 allows a police officer to stop and search a person without suspicion. Section 60 stops and searches can take place in an area which has been authorised by a senior police officer on the basis of their reasonable belief that violence has or is about to occur, and where it is expedient to prevent it or search people for a weapon if one was involved in the incident.

Yet another attack on our freedoms and a classic example of this countries dhimmi attitude.

Tuesday – very hot and very sunny despite forecast of clouds and 50% chance of rain.

Decide to drive up to Sanibel and Captiva Islands. They may only be 50 mile away but with all the traffic lights it takes two hours.

Sanibel’s a lovely old World charm Island. Not as commercialised and urbanised as Marco. A real  each persons place. Some lovely beaches, full of shell seekers. Trip Advisors number one attraction is the public library – now that has to be a first and shows a complete lack of exploitation and tourist attractions. Oh forgot to mention it does have a shell museum, about as tempting as visiting a Taliban museum of science and evolution.

Not a traffic light to be seen. They seem to be doing their bit for global warming by having cops direct traffic. Yet another example, along with leaf blowing, advertising sign wavers and flag men, of American futile job creation schemes.

Visit the old lighthouse and beach. Wendy decides to be brave and have a paddle, without her life jacket I might add.

Have lunch at an eclectic popular restaurant called the Island Cow. Typical excess portions of American grub, enough to feed a family of 15 for a week. But good food all the same and pretty reasonable.

Then visit the Island Nature reserve and take the nature drive. Wendy keeps in the car to avoid feeding the noseeums that apparently are out for her blood!

Drive over to Captiva Island. Even less developed. It’s main claim to fame being it has a Stop sign.

A long day, a lot of driving but enjoyed our Sanibel trip. Lovely Island, nearly as nice as Marco

US drivers have an outright dread of pedestrians that never ceases to amaze and un-nerve me. When they’re in a car it’s like they fear some mystical vortex or force field around you; won’t come anywhere near you; give way, at a very discrete distance, like some sycophantic arse licking toady worshipping your very presence. Of course the inverse of all that is when they’re on the road they  aunter across on their mobile phones, chatting with friends and smoking their electric cigarettes like an arrogant French tart touting for business.

Give me the UK approach to life. If you’re on the road, then you’re fair game. You know where you stand or are about to be knocked over. Unbelievably, it obviously works as you’re 4 times more likely to be killed on US roads than in the UK.

Finally finish off Orange is the New Black – not bad. What to watch next on Netflix is the big decision? Still haven’t found anything worth watching on US TV – now there’s a surprise.

More PC and Non PC:

Riddle me this then?

The religion of peace is sensitive to anything that offends them. Riots, killing, fatwas and take to  he streets in protest even over a few cartoons. Yet daily there are atrocities carried out in the name of their religion, if these offend, misrepresents or is against their religion why haven’t they thrown their toys out the pram by now? Why aren’t they out on the streets protesting? Why aren’t they burning terrorist flags and images of jihadists? Why aren’t they bellowing and catawalling in anger from every minaret?

I leave you to your own conclusions, but in my mind as long as the so called “moderate muslims” stand by and say nothing then I know what my conclusion is.

Wednesday – yet another forecast of sun, clouds and 50% chance of rain. Turns out very hot (84F) and very sunny.

Decide to do the locals thing and get out early for a walk up to the farmers market. After 5 hours; 16,062 steps; 6 miles; 2 coffee stops; 1 ice cream; 4 rests on shaded forms; 8 dress shops; 1 new sun dress;1 close encounter with a tiny snake of unknown venom and a 10 minute stop in the sanctuary of the Marriots air conditioning, we get back home. By now Wendy’s walking slower than a Gopher Tortoise crossing a road covered in treacle and looks and feels like a cabbage that’s been simmered for an hour to make sauerkraut. She really can’t cope with this heat. Moan, moan, moan. Even fantasising about being at home in the cold, pouring rain – must be heat stroke.

Somehow I think we got the timing wrong as walking back in the mid day sun there’s not a local to be seen. Mad dogs and …….

More PC terms:

A Criminal – unsavory character 

A Crook – morally (ethically) challenged

Abortion – Near-Life Experience 

Alcoholic – Anti-Sobriety Activist

Alive – temporarily metabolically abled.

An Immigrant – a newcomer 

Assassination – involuntary term limitation 

Bald – comb-free, folic ally independent, follicularly challenged.

There is a god after all.

“The long-term unemployed will be required to do community service in return for benefits under a workfare scheme to be introduced next April.”

Fantastic news. Common sense prevails. Has Cameron been reading my rants?

Only sad news is it’s those who have been unemployed for more than 2 years, but it’s a start. They can start reducing it down to a sensible time period like 2 weeks.