20131124 – Lazy Days Aboard My Kayak

Sunday – hot and sunny.

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PS that’s it, no more crab or shellfish. Creatures that Filter 50 gallons of polluted water a day do my digestive system no favours. I’ve now probably got enough mercury in me to become a thermometer and enough lead to be a battery.

We both take a bike ride down to Starbucks for a leisurely, free, pumpkin spiced latte. No cream on top as a gesture to diet. Why free? Well they screwed up last time, and unsolicited gave me a free voucher as an apology. They may not pay tax, but they do have a good attitude to customer service, so the Victor in me can lie dormant.

Beware low flying palm fronds today. As we sit on the patio at Starbucks they rain down on unsuspecting passers by. Luckily no one injured but they’d certainly pole axe you.

More unnerving courtesy from drivers as they even reverse out of the way for cyclists if they’re blocking the pavement while trying to exit. 

After that a light lunch. 9 grapes, I’ve already had enough calories from that giant latte – well it was free, and it’d been un-American not to have a big ne.

Then it’s off out for a tour in the kayak. Wendy sticks to the knitting. Pity as she would have been really useful as ballast in the front of this two man (gender specific) kayak. Make it so much easier to steer and paddle. Really doesn’t know what she missing, like getting within 6 foot of an osprey. Any closer than that and he clearly doesn’t want to share the big fish he’s greedily keeping in his claws. Plenty more big rich houses and boats. The one thing that seems to be lacking is people.

How lucky can you get. This is the life. As I get up close and personal with a dolphin, any closer and he’ll be on my lap or vice versa.

Thought for the day, from aboard my kayak. If I’d not seen the light, the thought of those lunatics running the asylum, I could still be working for the evil empire for at least another 13 months, 
 hanging in there like loose teeth, before me gold watch ceremony! 

Whoopee 17:00. Break open a classic beer – Warsteiner – and get me $20 black box of Merlot on standby – quality wine. Hopefully can anaesthetise me taste buds before having to eat me weekly IMG 1765Sunday vegetables / greens – allegedly they’re good for me. Never mind soon be junk food Monday.

Good news. It seems that either god or Wendy has been reading my blog draft. No greens today, instead I get me favourite vegetable – yes, I do have one – sweetcorn.

How to describe a women. The non PC version of course:

Her breasts will never sag, they will lose their vertical hold.

She does not get drunk, she is accidentally over served or she becomes verbally dyslexic.

She does not get PMS, she becomes hormonally homicidal.

She does not hate sports on TV, she is athletically biased.

She does not have a great butt, she is gluteus to the maximus.

She does not have a hard body, she is anatomically inflexible.

New headline – Cameron to defy EU on migrants. Has he finally grown some gonads? Will common sense prevail? Don’t hold your breath. We’re more likely to see Christmas carols led by Abdullah bin Abdulaziz bin Abdulrahman bin Faisal bin Turki bin Abdullah bin Muhammad bin Saud (Saudi king geezer to give him his full name) around a Christmas tree in a pub in Saudi, than have the EU kicked into touch.

Afghan government officials have proposed reintroducing public stoning as a punishment for adultery, Human Rights Watch said, even though the practice has been denounced both inside and outside the country as one of the most repugnant symbols of the Taliban regime.The sentence for married adulterers, along with flogging for unmarried offenders, appears in a draft revision of the country’s penal code being managed by the ministry of ‘justice’.

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Am I surprised?

Monday – warm, sun and plenty of cloud.

Drive down to Fort Myers to see what it has to offer. Not a lot is the answer, apart from more law firms than there are inmans issuing ridiculous fatwas. However they do have these guys and galls wandering around in shorts and bright yellow tee shirts with the words “Parking  Ambassador” splashed across their back. I’ll give you one guess what their function is? Traffic wardens – only in America.

Call in at Miramar Outlets to see if Michael Kors, we don’t know him personally, has Wendy’s Christmas dress in. Sadly no just a load of old tat. I have leisurely Starbucks and some blobby watching whilst Wendy has a browse in peace. Seems like the place is full of last years tat.

Here we have up to 990 channels of mind numbing mush, dominated by adverts so long that you can cook a 3 course meal during each one and nothing worth even channel hopping for. TV to pick your nose to.

A small comment on American coffee. It all, and I do mean all, used to be brown coloured flavourless pinklewater, with not even the taste of rancid dishwater to distinguish it. Now thanks to Starbucks and a few good followers / imitators it seems that there’s been an American coffee industry epiphany. They’ve discovered that coffee can have flavour, be strong and have a real kick to it. It has resulted in a culture of coffee zealots – an ironic biblical reversal of a zealot having an epiphany.

Let’s hope that in the not too distant future they can have an epiphany and discover good lager / beer.

Now here’s a PC term from the progressive dhimmis in the Obama administration:

Global War on Terror – Overseas Contingency Operation.

How to describe a women. The non PC version of course:

She does not have a killer body, she is terminally attractive.

She does not have big hair, she is overly aerosoled.

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She does not have big hooters, her cups runneth over.

She does not have great cleavage or a great rack, her breasts are centrally located.

She does not have sexy lips, she is collagen dependent.

She does not shave her legs, she experiences temporary stubble reduction.

How wrong can you be about something so mind numbingly trivial:

The British Hen Welfare Trust. Re-homes commercial laying hens. Some 393,684 re-homed to date. Educates the public about how they can make a difference to hen welfare. Can you believe it? Surely someones having a laugh. Patrons include the chef Jamie Oliver and actress Amanda Holden. It says all hens should be given access to the outdoors and wants farmers to convert to small scale free-range systems.Yet research by an independent expert on animal welfare has found that the average free-range laying hen enjoys a lower standard of welfare than one kept in a cage.

Goldfish for jam jars.

And who says Angola is a backward, third World country. They’re certainly not stupid:

Angola has reportedly declared Islam illegal and ordered for all of the country’s mosques to be closed down. Minister of culture Rosa Cruz e Silva said that mosques in the largely Christian country would be closed until further notice. She described Islam as a sect that would be banned as counter to Angolan customs and culture.

Looks like I’ll be adding it to my TripAdvisor bucket list!

Tuesday – starts off cloudy, is this going to be a Belthorn day? No by 10:00 suns out and we’re heading to the 80’s, again.

Bike down to the local museum. Very swish. Very small. Very free. Learn a lot about the Calusa indians. They died out before the white man had chance to rob them of their land and commit genocide. No one knows why. Was it disease from the conquistadors and their animals? Was it climate? Or did they know that they would be herded to some barren desert land, given a casino to run and their days would be numbered in the 20th century? 

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Also get a good historical understanding of how Marco Island was developed or exploited depending upon which side of the eco PC fence you sit. Take it from us as we cycle, cruise in HMSS Black Pig and kayak around, it’s a veritable civilised paradise. Although it does lack a Taco Bell. By far the nicest place we’ve been to in Florida.

By way of a change we call in at Starbucks. Another free coffee courtesy of the offer on my empty coffee bag. Sit and people watch. How come the guy in a stunning blue open top SL550, yes I’m drooling with envy at the car, has a disabled sticker, you have to be fit to get in and out of one? Is that the Michelin women whose just bulged by on her collapsing bike in, her fat fold hugging blue lycra, complete with cellulite dimples as deep as sink holes?

Lazy afternoon around the pool, with Pat Condell and Jeremy Clarkson for comfort. How I love their rants. Should be compulsory reading in all English literature and religious studies classes.

Now how to describe a man, non PC version of course to maintain equality and balance:

He does not have a beer gut; he develops a Liquid Grain Storage Facility. 

He does not: Hog the blankets He is: Thermally unappreciative

He is not: Unsophisticated He is: Socially malformed

He does not: Eat like a pig He suffers from: Reverse bulimia

He is not: A sex machine He is: Romantically automated

He is not a: Male chauvinist pig He has: Swine empathy

He is not: Quiet He is a: Conversational minimalist

How embarrassing:

Thank you for contacting the BBC iPlayer Support Team. 

“We understand that you feel it is unnecessary to be asked if you have installed BBC iPlayer Downloads every time you try to download a programme.

This message is seen as we haven’t determined a way to successfully detect whether the software is installed.”

Typical BBC iPlayer crap. About time they employed some proper programmers, a good tester, an HCI expert and someone with some common sense.

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Baroness Warsi, our unelected “Minister for Faith”, in a speech at Georgetown University in Washington on Friday, stated that the UK is “committed to working with the United Nations Human Rights Council to implement Resolution 16/18. “We are? Can anyone remember agreeing to this dhimmi idea?

She then went on to make this hilarious statement: “The Organisation of Islamic Cooperation (OIC) also remains a key partner in our quest to promote religious freedom.” She’s obviously either that stupid and ignorant of the atrocities and human right violations perpetrated in the name of religion in islamic states, in which case she shouldn’t even be allowed out to walk a dog never mind spout up for this country. Or she is doing that convenient muslim thing of taqiyya, lying to non-believers – permitted according to the Koran.

Should we laugh or cry? Resolution 16/18, mainly a ban on blasphemy, another nail in the Free Speech coffin, is a proposal which received the support of the United States back in 2011, it calls upon UN member states to combat “intolerance, negative stereotyping and stigmatization of, and discrimination, incitement to violence and violence against, persons based on religion or belief.” It was initially introduced in March 2011 at the UN Human Rights Council by the OIC. This coterie, dominated by Islamist states, had made several previous attempts to have a resolution passed which aimed to criminalise “defamation of religions” but had failed. This time, due to some clever re-wording, the tactic worked and non-binding resolution was agreed.

Interesting how this could backfire on islamic states who persecute Christians etc. Mind you not that they’ll bother with that bit of it, but instead just use it as another excuse to throw their toys out the pram, riot, threaten, kill and squeal like a stuck pig (Expression offensive? Tough) any time the religion of permanent offence is quite rightly criticised.

So here’s my promise. Once all the islamic states have fully implemented resolution 16 / 18, including prosecution of violators then I’ll shout the benefits of 16 / 18 from the top of the highest minaret in Blackburn. Don’t bother to take your iPhone ear pods out this millennium.

Wednesday –  Wow that was some storm overnight, thunder, lightning, a deluge, the works. Fortunately the weather here has the good sense to keep the rain etc to night time.

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Lazy morning. No farmers market trip today. 

Even lazier afternoon reading around the pool.

Sorry there’s not much in the way of photos so instead I’ve posted some totally inappropriate, non PC joke pictures after Wendy’s seditious face book posting.

Now some good news. Don’t have a colour for good news, it’s so rare. Apparently Britain risks being seen as the “nasty country” of Europe if it presses ahead with unilateral curbs on benefit payments to new migrants from the European Union, a top EU official warned today.

Bring it on, lets go all out to create an image worse than Taliban dominated Afghanistan complete with roaming gangs of xenophobic fascist gangs and black death, plague and pestilence endemic in all corners of the realm. Perhaps we should spend a bob or two with Satchi and Satchi to really push the image.That should keep the buggers out.

Bad news is they’re not really tough enough. Simple until you’ve paid in for a few years (the more the merrier) you’re entitled to nought, zero, nada, zilch.

Now how to describe a man, non PC version of course to maintain equality and balance:

You do not: Undress him with your eyes You have a: Introspective pornographic moment

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He is not: Afraid of commitment He is: Monogamously challenged

He does not have a: Fabulous rear end He has achieved: Buttocks perfection

He is not: Stupid He suffers from: Minimal cranial development

He does not: Get lost all the time He discovers: Alternative destinations

He is not: Balding He is in: Follicle regression

You really do have to laugh at these latest fatwas from Egypt, issued by Muslim Brotherhood and Salafis, they regard women as strange creatures created solely for sex. They considered the voices of women, their looks and presence outside the walls of their homes an ‘offence.’ Some went as far as to consider women as a whole ‘offensive.

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A woman swimming is an ‘adulteress’. But fear not for there is a perfectly rational explanation. When a women goes swimming, as the word for sea is masculine, when “the water touches the woman’s private parts, she becomes an ‘adulteress’ and should be punished.”.  Hang on then. If a man goes swimming is he being a gay. And we all know what happens to gay muslims – bring out the mobile cranes. Looks like swimmings out for all muslims.

Women touching bananas is forbidden. Women are forbidden from eating certain vegetables or even touching cucumbers or bananas, due to their phallic imagery, which may tempt women to deviate. About as rational as stoning a women for being raped.

It is unacceptable for women to turn the air conditioning on at home during the absence of their husbands as this could be used as a sign to indicate to neighbors that the woman is at home alone and any of them could commit adultery with her. Think it’s  more to do with muslim men being tight wads and wanting to save some money.

Marriage to ten-year-old girls should be allowed to prevent girls “from deviating from the right path”.

A marriage is annulled if the husband and wife copulate with no clothes on. Must be so much better having a shag in a burka.

One sanctioned the use of women and children as human shields in violent demonstrations and protests, as these are considered jihads to empower Islam.

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Even slavery was permitted, according to the study: “the people who issued these fatwas demanded the enactment of a law allowing divorced women to own slaves,” presumably to help her, as she no longer has a man to support her.

But I’ve saved the best until last “adult breastfeeding,” (bitty) which called on women to “breastfeed” male acquaintances, thereby making them relatives and justifying their mixed company — was issued by Al Azhar, but later retracted.

All coming to a town near us if we don’t stop this pernicious, barbaric religion.


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