Tony & Wendy's Travel Blog

Wow this home exchange is awesome, even has its own swimming pool and great views over the golden parched earth, with just a hint of green down by the river. California’s had 5 years of drought, it’s golden through the dried out grass. Looks more like a desert. As to the home I’ll let the photos speak for themselves. It’s on a gated community, keeps the riffraff (only Costco trade customer allowed in) at bay, the homes are all 100’s yards apart – room to breathe.

We have a lazy day after our wonderful but busy Yosemite experience. It’s so good to have Internet, I can catch up on blogs, the news and the 1001 questions. Wendy’s busy pricing up a Disney Cruise and Orlando trip for the whole family next Autumn. She’s right excited.

It’s hotter than hell and half of Georgia, 98F / 36C and not a cloud in the sky. I knew that Palm Springs was going to be hot but had no idea that Fresno was as hot.

In the evening we catch up with Netflix.

Trip into Madera. Wow I think we’re in a remote Mexican town. Nearly all the signs are in Spanish. Most of the people seem Mexican. All of the restaurants are Mexican. The place has more bridal and gown shops than rednecks at a Trump presidential rally, every one of them selling frilly gown from the 1950’s. How can a place this size supporters 6 bridal shops. Is it the wedding, divorce and remarriage capital of California – big fat gypsy wedding springs to mind.

We encounter a few Trump signs but most of the political signs seem to be “We need jobs and water”. Does this hint at why Trump could be popular?

There are some signs of civilization as they have a MacDonalds, Starbucks and even a Taco Bell. Wendy passes on lunch. Mind you didn’t see a visitors Centre.

A tad cooler today, only 92F.

Wot no scorpions (shaking my shoes just in case), snakes or bears yet. Centipedes yes, and there’s 8 vultures circling the house. Should I be worried.

After the usual lazy morning we set off to explore Fresno. Sadly not much to it. Go down to the Woodward Park to do a geriatric shuffle around the Japanese garden – sad to admit I quite enjoy them these days, really screws with my 16 year old mind. $3 to park my car and to top it all the Japanese garden doesn’t open until 16:00. Pass. Have a wander around the lake, not a blade of grass to be seen, just geese and geese shit.

Never mind there’s a WholePayPacket downtown so we head off to make Wendy’s day. I get a freshly made burrito for me tea.

Take a drive out to Bass Lake, we’ve been told it’s very picturesque and nice restaurants. Drive past the turning and 8 miles later do a U’y.

Well there’s not really much to it. Nearly all of the lake front is private property. Americans have this obsession with trespassing signs –
‘You will be cited, blah, blah……’. Pass on the two restaurants. Drive down the lakeshore and finally find picnic area by the lake. Time for our picnic. Then some shifty individual comes and asks for $5 to park in day use area of National Forest. I point to my Nation Parks pass which he claims isn’t valid – wrong go read the T&C’s.

Well I’ll express my feelings on Bass Lake on trip advisor – don’t bother. No wonder so much property is up for sale.

Take the scenic route back home.

Evening in with me ranting and raving about crap software, websites and especially BBCiplayer and Wendy ranting and raving about knitting patterns. Quite consoling really as now she gets a taste of the joy of incompetence. Time for Saturday afternoon amphitheater lion feeding. Today’s food could be the whole of the BBCiplayer software team, lead by the director responsible, and the author of V&A Products Ltd, knitting patterns.

Has anyone noticed it’s Grandparents Day today?

Lazy day today. Wendy’s gamy knees playing her up so she’s resting ready for the next 4 days on the road and in the National parks.

We also need to pack and tidy up. Fortunately this is a lovely home so it’s quite relaxing, like staying In a 5 star hotel. Sadly the area around Fresno is not exactly a tourists dream but to be fair it is the largest town nearest (2 hours drive) 3 national parks. Actually it’s worked out quite well to have 6 relaxing days after Yosemite and before our next NP’s foray.

Finally a word on my scientific experiment to discover if all this dry golden California grass is dead or just parched awaiting some rain, to spring back to life. For the past 5 days I’ve daily watered a square of California’s finest gold grass. I’m sad to say it has not come back to life. It is well and truly parched to death. The only way California’s every going to be green again is plenty of rain and grass seed.

Up early for a 5 hour drive down to our next home exchange slap bang in the middle of Yosemite Valley. Drive out of California into a casino strewn Nevada. One small town we drive through must be called Trumpville, judging by the number of posters for him.

Some horrendous road works with 20 minute delays. Even the lady in the most expensive gas station in America gets held up each morning for 20 minutes and has been 20 minutes late for work every day this week. Obviously either bone idle or a taco shy of a combination plate, FSM forbid she should leave 20 minutes earlier.

Quite lucky as we have to drive all the way across from the East side of Yosemite over to the Yosemite Village so we get to see more of the park. We’ve done this drive before, but this time we don’t get a bear dashing out in front of us. It’s still one pretty amazing drive.

You get all this amazing park for just $25 for 7 days. Amazing. We buy an annual pass for $80 which gives us free access for a year to all the NP and any area with the title “National” in it. Worth every penny of it, unusual – nay rarer than a bible seller in Iran – for me to say it.

Arrive in our next home which is a NP Employees home, in the secluded off limits area of the village, so no tourists, just us and Rangers. Because we’re surrounded by Rangers the homes unlocked – something we’re not used to even though Belthorn is quite remote. The homes lovely. An awesome location and has to be one of the most hospitable and well organised Home Exchanges we’ve been in. They’ve thought of everything to make a guests stay pleasant, unlike some home exchanges where they’re just playing at it and haven’t a clue about hospitality.

Meet our new host. Then we get settled in. Have a pleasant stroll down to the visitors Centre to get information on our walks.

Amazing we have Internet here. It’s free and 10Mbps, I’m orgasmic after being the equivalent of the dark side of the moon for over 10 days. Perhaps the shakes will disappear and my fingers will now stop hovering over an imaginary keyboard. There’s no TV but that’s no great loss, as we’ve the Internet, BBC iPlayer and Netflix all on my iPad – civilized.

A somewhat lazy start to the day, as usual. Then we do a lovely Meadows loop walk. Wendy’s knee has decided to play her up just when she most needed it.

We call back home for coffee and lunch, it’s oh so handy. Then after lunch we take thre 2 hour guided open bus tour of the valley. Yes it’s a Wallace Arnold moment, but this tour is amazing; worth every penny of it – there I go again; so informative and entertaining; for once I don’t regret this Wallace Arnold experience.

Call in at the village store for some vitals and then it’s back home for a pleasant evening with a good beer (rare for America) and some Zinfandel.

Usual lazy start and then we catch the free shuttle – how nice it is not to use the car for 4 days and rely on shank’s pony and a shuttle bus – to the start of the Mirror Lake hike. Mind you the shuttles chocker block and we get the dubious pleasure of 10 minutes trying to decipher what this fat arsed woman’s knickers say – it’s “absolutely” but we can’t quite make out the 2nd word. There’s nothing like a nice pair of thongs outlined or revealed beneath some tight trousers, or better still shorts, on a pert young fanny (I’m using the the American definition of this word here), to set the day off to a good start, but an aged fat arse with knickers and shorts stretched tight as a drum leaves a lot to be desired – oh shallow me.

We’ve done this walk before but it’s a lovely hike – sounds so much more macho than the stroll it really is. There’s no lifeguard on duty, as with most of the park this time of year the lake and the waterfalls tend to be dried up. Stop for an extravagant lunch of an apple and water by the lake. Amazing that even out here we get 3G and the joy of our kids messaging us. Fortunately there’s no wants, can I or will you’s Involved. Whilst the tree huggers are always wanting to “be off the grid”, give me 3G signals penetrating my body anytime.

Get some great photos of half dome. I’ll probably need a week to cull the hundreds of photos we’ve taken. Every view is so awesome and precious that you really begrudge deleting any of them.

Call in for a coffee in the village Deli. It’s oh some warm and sunny out. Then it’s back home for a good old stag chilli, beer and Zinfandell.

Then to finish the day off on a dirty raincoat brigade view we encounter a young piece of eye candy flouncing down the street in only shorts and a see through bra, fortunately it wasn’t a cold day!

Thanks to our ranger friend Michael we’re staying an extra night in this awesome place.

After my early morning stroll I do my blog, sat out on a rocking chair on the front porch with a coffee. Watching the deer grazing around me whilst the squirrels are either frolicking or perhaps it’s a male trying to perpetuate it’s genes, but it seems that perhaps the female has an headache. Talking of which, there I am soaking up all this nature and suddenly I’m struck on the head by a low flying acorn trying to sow it’s oats. Ow that hurts, perhaps I have concussion – should I sue?

We catch the shuttle down to Bridal falls. It’s still got a trickle flowing over it and results in yet more photos.

Catch the shuttle to the world famous Awahnee Hotel, now renamed by some scurrilous greedy marketing executive as the Majestic Hotel. There I sin and have an afternoon beer. Very swish, very expensive but can you believe you can’t get a snack with your vintage champagne priced beer.

Catch a couple of great NP films in the visitors centre then it’s back home for two weary foot soldiers. Coffee on the front porch with a Flying Spaghetti Monster spaghetti strainer on my head to protect me from randy low flying acorns.

In the evening our host comes home and we go out to dinner at the Yosemite Lodge. Have a very interesting and pleasant evening.

Out early again for a 90 minute Ansell Adams photo walk – it’s free. Interesting stroll around the meadows and some useful pointers to some great photo opportunities along with background on the World famous Ansell Adams – Ansell who?

Pack the car and we’re of for our next adventure in Madera, just outside Fresno. But before we leave we must take a 1 hour detour to a Glacier Point. Awesome, rad, narley there are not words or photos that do the vista from it justice. It has to be one of the most stunning views we’ve ever seen. Well worth the 1 hour detour.

It’s goodbye to Yosemite. Hopefully we’ll be back.

In the afternoon we arrive at our next home exchange. Our most stunning home exchange ever, more on that in our next blog.

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light, by your own admission, of your abject failure to even choose two suitable candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties
over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Oklahoma, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Theresa May, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. State governors will continue to exist but they cannot be ex movie stars. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up “aluminium”. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it, along with words like tomato and pecan. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour’, skipping the letter ‘U’ is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter ‘Z’ (pronounced ‘zed’ not ‘zee’) and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise”. You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh is pronounced ‘burra’ e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you can’t
cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary”. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up “interspersed”. There will be no more ‘bleeps’ in the Jerry Springer show. If you’re not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn’t have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won’t have to use bad language as often.

There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let Microsoft know
on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize”.

You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn’t that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney,
upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents – Scottish dramas such as “Taggart” will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we’re talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is “Devon”.

If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become “shires” e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as “Men Behaving Badly” or “Red Dwarf” will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can’t cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

You should relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The
Queen”, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

You should stop playing American “football”. There is only one kind
of football. What you refer to as American “football” is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays “American” football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty
seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2025. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the ‘World Series’ for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls’ game called “rounders” which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons
if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. “Merde” is French for “shit”. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don’t believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will
require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. The NRA will be declared an illegal organisation

July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 7th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called “Indecisive Day”.

All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips. Fries aren’t even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps”. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat.

The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to
all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer”, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager”. The substances formerly known as “American Beer” will henceforth be referred to as “Near-Frozen Knat’s Urine”, with the exception of
the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be
referred to as “Weak Near-Frozen Knat’s Urine”. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or “Gasoline” as
you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2018) prices within the former USA.

The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the
Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $8 per US gallon – get used to it).

You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy.

Yellow standee line revoked.

Lines to become queues, yes we know it is a bit more difficult to spell.

Passport control will forwith have 80% of the desks open for British Nationals, the remaining 20% can be used for Americans and the rest of the world.

All restrooms will be relabelled and referred to as toilets. If you need to rest so much then they should either open lounges with beds and settees – you can look this word up and then use it as the replacement for the word sofa.

All prices will be displayed including the tax, rather than your ludicrous habit of displaying the price without the tax and then asking for the tax inclusive price. Anybody found flaunting this rule will be deported to an EC country where they can really appreciate the meaning of pointless bureacracy.

You will learn how to brew and serve tea properly. Boiling water and milk, anyone found serving cream in a cup of tea will be sent to our penal colony – Australia. All coffee, apart from that served in specialised coffe shops, will be labelled WWWBW – weak wishy washy brown water. Americans are not really coffee conniseurs – look it up.

Food portions will immediately be halfed, lets try going for quality not quantity. This should also help with your obesity problem – look it up.

Finally to global warming. You will immediately sack all your environmental scientific advisers, sign up for and implement the Kyoto Protocol, all members of congress and the senate will appear in the adverts admitting that global warming is a reality. In addition you will all acknowledge Darwins theory of evolution and stop bending science to meet your political ends.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). Thank you for your cooperation.

Well we’ve survived 10 days at sea and finally managed to escape, no thanks to the decrepit inhospitably and inefficiency of Homeland Security – NSA I don’t care if you’re listening.

Pick the Hertzmobile up and then it’s a very pleasant 4 hour drive, over the Golden Gate Bridge, up to Sacramento and over the mountains to Lake Tahoe.

Arrived at our luxury home. We’re 4 miles down a single track road that looks like the San Andreas fault runs down the middle of it. Last paved when Macadam was a lad. 10 miles to the nearest supermarket / wifi and 16 miles to nearest Taco Bell and Starbucks. How do people cope!

It seems that the colonials have not quite heard of mobile phones yet, there is internet but it’s even pricier and slower than onboard ship. Piracy is not confined to the high seas. $15 a day, and then runs at a MAXIUM blistering speed of a knackered donkey, all 1Mb per second, about as useful and expensive as a diamond studded condom. Don’t think we’ll have any problems with noisy neighbours, traffic or noisy red knecked scrots on Harley’s – bears might be an issue though.

Oh well looks like I’ll be spending a lot of time in Starbucks.

It’s a gorgeous home, with a great deck, views over Fallen Leaf Lake and of course the obligatory all American barbecue, big enough to roast an ox on. The silence here is deafening and oh so relaxing. As well as no internet there’s no TV, so we’ve not had the pleasure of the Trump versus Clinton pantomime – how sad. To keep us amused though they do have blue rays; a pool table (sadly not a clue how to play); sauna; bikes and a leaky kayak; a wonderful selection of whisky and enough different vodkas to enable me to hibernate all winter; there’s even pot and pipes provided – perhaps it’s standard hospitality in all California homes.

TV must be all of 60″, but sadly you’re sat only 6 feet away – fortunately we have no TV signal, Trump and Clinton that close up would be so scary you wouldn’t be able to drive a wet watermelon seed up me butt with a sledge hammer.

A lazy morning while Wendy unpacks and does battle with the giant washing machine, don’t forget it’s America and everything’s bigger.

Finally we toddle off into South Lake Tahoe. First stop Starbucks to communicate with the World and publish a long overdue travel / rant blog.

Drive down to the lake to park up and then have a pleasant stroll around.

Wow Tahoes changed from when we skied here. All very swish but wot no snow? If I stick around long enough I’ll be able to use my Park City Epic ski pass for free skiing. The most noticeable thing after 10 days on a floating calorie factory is the lack of blobbies. Most people look fit, healthy and capable of walking 10 feet without the need of an electric wheel chair.

Have a wander down to the village store, beach and boat dock. Then set off to the Tallac Historic Site.

I’m so glad we’re in a civilized country, who gives a dam about the risk of plague if you venture into the Tallac Historic Site, after all it’s nowhere near as virulent or dangerous as Ebola. Glad to see there’s a picket fence around the site. That’ll keep the plague ridden fleas in!

Despite the plague it’s all very picturesque and best of all free.

Then we encounter the road works. Sat for 15 minutes whilst a man with stop sign holds everyone up despite the road being clear. There’s more of these men with stop signs than there are tea towels ridden with dandruff in Afghanistan. I can’t begin to explain the stupidity being demonstrated on 89 down the side of Lake Tahoe. Who ever’s in charge of this is certainly a few fries short of a happy meal.

Call in at Raleys for some wifi.

Then it’s back home for coffee on the deck, amongst the shimmering silver birch and watching the boats on the lake.

Off for a drive around Lake Tahoe. It’s 72 miles round and with all the road works and side trips takes us about 5 hours. The shades of blue in the lake are amazing. Some awesome scenery and as soon as we cross the state line into Nevada then it’s casinos galore.

Call in at some of the ski resorts we skied way back when, including Squaw Valley and Heavenly. Wot no snow.

Down to the supermarket for wifi and last minute vitals. Then in the afternoon we tidy up and pack for our next adventure – hopefully with wifi this time.

Managed to get a brief FaceTime with Jasper. Wow, he’s such a happy sole, bubbling over with all that he’s done at nursery etc.

I was going to have an exploratory walk around the lake but rain stopped play.

To better appreciate the up and coming presidential election pantomime I’ve lashed out on an esubscription to the Wall Street Journal. Cost all of £1 a month for the 1st two months, by which time it’ll all be over and the mass exodus to Canada – like a Caraboo crossing – will have commenced.

Breakfast, lounge around, lunch and then off to catch our tour to the Mendenhall glacier. It’s a lovely sunny day which is rare for Juneau as they average 22 days rain a month and can have up to 20″ in one day. Makes Belthorn seem like a desert.

Good information centre, great views of the glacier and waterfall but unfortunately the waterfall walk is closed off due to flooding so we end up hanging around for an hour.

Have a wander through Juneau, more diamond and grot shops than taliban at a stoning. Then it’s back to the ship for dinner. As we’ve missed our fixed dining slot we defect to the anytime dining. Interesting table as one of the geriatrics is a 90 year old state Supreme Court judge. Very interesting and she still has all her wits about her, more than can be said for some of the other geriatrics at the table. Conversation with some of them who have 5 minute pregnant pauses between each sentence as they wrack their memory for a word – could come to all of us anytime soon.

Early night after all this sightseeing.

Well it’s cruise Glacier Bay National,Park today.

Rangers come on board – how neat is that. They give a talk on the the park and then I nip upstairs to buy a baseball cap. Amazing isn’t it this boat sells more crap than there was junk in Steptoes scrap yard, yet when it comes to something sensible like NP items they’re in short supply because they have to drag them aboard. Any I’m lucky and get a cap to add to my collection.

Ship positions for photo opportunities at two glaciers and I’m lucky enough to capture a great calving – see pictures.

Evenings another round of fixed dining. By now I’ve weakened and resorted to 2 glasses of Zinfandel from happy hour and have them over dinner. We’re lucky in that we’ve got a good group on our table but I can imagine 10 dinners with people you don’t get on with must be dire.

Then it’s some sort of entertainment, I’m being generous with that word, and then try a quality bourbon to help me cope.
Please

Today it’s Skegway. We’re on a crack of dawn Wallace Arnold tour. Train up and over Whitepass; coach into Yukon, Canada; lunch at Caraboo crossing, they also have the most amazing collection of stuffed bears, mammoths, moose and other Alaskan mammals; photo opportunity at Emerald lake; brief wander around Carcross, quaint local town; then drive back down Whitepass with a photo opportunity at a bridge ? waterfall.

Very expensive ($219) but I have to admit it was worth it, as we did pack in a lot. But I can’t help feeling sad that it come to this. I’m too young – 16 year old in the mind – to be on one of these Wallace Arnold extravaganza. They’re full of geriatrics, people our age. The ultimate for those with no sense of adventure, imagination or risk. Oh what has it come to. Still I suppose we’re the lucky ones, so much better than the alternative.

Tours late back but they have to hold the ship.

Then it’s straight to the dinning room. By now I’ve abandoned all hope of sobriety and as we missed the cheap wine at happy hour I succumb to buying a bottle and will just have to try and make it last.

After dinner we catch some more orgasmic entertainment. Including an Elton John show, somehow I end up doing a French test on my iPhone and then nod off. Yes it was that scintillating.

Can’t persuade Wendy to have a cocktail but I finally get to try a Vodka Martini, shaken of course. Well I won’t ever get to be a spy at this rate as that was my first and certainly my last Vodka Martini.

I suppose the best entertainment on board has to be people watching, especially on peacock evening. I’ve come to the really sad conclusion that there must be a major opportunity for an enterprising young lawyer to put his shingle up and create a web based law firm of DivorceMyFatWife.com. He could hand out posters on the cruise as I’m sure there would be rich pickings. These floating gin palaces are a magnet for the clinically obese. Unbelievable I know but at least 60% must be blobbies.

Day 6 so it’s Ketchikan today, so it’s a lazy morning as we don’t dock until 12:00 then a spot of lunch before we set off to explore.

Have a wander around. Head off to Creek Street, the red light district, but alas, unlike Carl no one offers me a blow job for $5, despite wondering up and down for hours. Quaint little town, obviously more diamond shops than prostitutes. Oh how things have changed from gold rush days.

Quite nice to just wander around under our own steam.

Fixed dining yet again followed by more drinks and people watching in the piano lounge.

Crown the evening off with a brandy nightcap in our cabin. Wow, certainly helps me get a great nights sleep.

I’m starting to loose the will to live. 7 days on a cold weather cruise is enough. Geriatrics, blobbies and crazy people – moose racers certainly fit the bill, along with the art auction buffs – are starting to get to me – depressing. Why is it that these geriatrics – I know where well on our way there – seem to zig and zag about in front of you. Problem is they zig when you zig and zag when you zag, almost as if they have hidden rear view mirrors in a bid to stop you overtaking.

Day 7, just 3 to go. It’s a sea day. I used to cope with these but no more.

Go to a naturist talk, not very good, followed by a mediocre quality video of our Glacier bay experience. Somewhat ironic that I normally complain – yes I know you’ll find that difficult to believe – that there’s not enough talks / lectures, yet this cruise has had quite a few and yet I’ve not bothered to attend. Perverse.

Evenings another peacocks parade so great people watching. My Rohan, trainers, white shirt and tie barely pass muster as the Maitre De looks at me like something he’s trod in and got stuck on the sole of his shoe – never mind little does he know that we’ve cancelled our fixed gratuities to ensure that leeches like him get no tip. You may feel this is a bit harsh on Maitre De’s, but we’ve yet to encounter one who isn’t a complete waste of space, you see nothing of them for the first three quarters of the cruise and then starts to smarmy around you as you approach the last evening and the hopes of a big tip.

Up at the crack of sparrows as we dock at 07:00 and depart at 13:30, so by the time we’ve had breakfast we’ve only about 4 hours in Victoria.

Walk into the city and catch a hop on hop off bus tour, just 90 minutes, but a great way to see Victoria. Then it’s a wander around the city with a very welcome dirty chai at Starbucks to defrost the frozen blood in my veins. Boy was it cold on that open top bus. Call in a few tat shops and Wendy manages to get the mandatory fridge magnet. Then it’s a gentle stroll back to the ship. It’s oh so nice to get out and have a walk.

Victoria’s a lovely city, so relaxing and laid back with plenty to enjoy. We really must think about coming back for a couple of weeks, it’s quite mild in summer and we’ve had a couple of home exchange requests for here, but I’d always dismissed them as being too cold. The real pity is we didn’t get a whole day here.

Of course you might question why the hop on / off bus doesn’t stop at the cruise terminal gate, I did. The cynic in me expects it’s another marketing department plot to extract the maximum out of us by charging for the bus into the city and encouraging everyone to go on the cruises more expensive hop on / off tour. I bet they black mailed the city council into banning a stop at the cruise terminal or they wouldn’t visit Victoria.

By way of a change we escape fixed dining and sneak into anytime dining, no one bothers to check on you. We have a good group at fixed dining but it is nice to meet the range of different people offered by anytime dinning. This time we get an interesting table of 6; one guy just recovered from chemo, so an interesting slant on life; yet again we encounter a judge – conclusion is that this cruise must infested with judges.

Vancouver Island might be ideal for 2018 Canada trip. Fly into New York; drive up through Niagra; Ottowa; Montreal; Toronto; then drive or train across Canada and the Rockies; Vancouver Island; then fly back from Vancouver, or vice versa.

Yet another sea day, the last one thankfully, they’re getting a tad boring now. Highlight of the day is people watching, blogging, exercise, a fandango with the shower curtainand then it’s time to put on my fodder bag and head down for dinner. I would say dress for dinner but jeans and jumper hardly meet the Downton Abbey standards of sartorial etiquette.

After yet another lunch Wendy packs whilst I get a well overdue espresso fix, write me blog and watch people buy gold chains as if there lives depended upon it being a lifeline to heaven.

Two of our fellow diners decide they’re celebrating their wedding anniversary, it being 3 months away doesn’t seem to deter them, and of course they get a chocolate cake and card from the crew.

Booze evening with our diners.

I think the highlight of the day has to be walking and chatting with this old couple, 90+ years, married for 60+ years – earlier in the lounge they managed a 2 minute dance together, not sure who was holding who up. They both walk with a walking stick, backs bent over double like a tree bowing to the wind, the very epitome of a Disney geriatric. The old guy congratulates us on BREXIT, about time he says, smart move. Then they proceed to walk up the stairs. Yes, they walk up. No lift, no wheel chairs or scooters, even though they can barely walk. Puts the youngsters – everyone on this ship is younger than them, to shame. Awesome.

Good news is that despite Princess’s best efforts at turning us all into blobbies, we’ve survived 10 days of rampant gluttony all around without gaining any weight, despite the wine, brandy and not forgetting the all important vodka martini. Mind you weighing yourself in a what seems like a major maelstrom is an exercise in understanding of Newtons laws of motion and gravity.

Leisurely drive down to the Leonardo Hotel at Heathrow. The less said about the usual road works and delays between Manchester and Stoke the better. It’s been like this for at least 20+ years. Now they have 12 mile long road works with orange hi-vis jump suits swilling tea and passing the time of day. Does anyone bother working.

Check in and then seek out some dinner. It’s only 0.4 miles to terminal 3, but you can’t walk or cycle down the road so it’s either catch a bus or do a 6 mile hike.

Terminal 3 has a dire choice of food, either Costa or Weatherspoon. By now my stomach thinks my throats been cut so we catch the bus to MacD. Happy meal here I come.

Great breakfast and then we spend the rest of the morning doing what us geriatrics do best, lounging around; reading the papers; drinking coffee; and putting the World to rights.

Picked up by a taxi for the 0.4 mile drive to terminal 3 Heathrow. Hang on how I miss a Blackburn taxi, where’s the furry dice; where’s the slimy threadbare leopard skin seat covers; what no antique 20 year old Nissan; no odour of fag ash or stink of curry; no screeching brakes or sea sick invoking pitch from lack of shock absorbers. Instead we have to put up with a Series 7 class BMW with TV screens, pleasant driver and shear luxury.

Then we’re through screening and all that palaver and ensconced into a lovely lounge complete with the usual free booze and food. Wendy attacks a bottle of brandy with all the gusto of a thirsty camel.

Well if anyone ever wanted an incentive to loose weight this blobby, sat opposite us in the lounge, who takes up 3/4 of a Chesterfield settee, is enough to make you want to have your mouth sewn up for life. His wife looks like she’s competing with his girth. God help anyone sat next to him on the plane as he oozes over into 3 seats.

Flight great. We’ve booked exit row seats so it’s very comfortable, 3 films and a load of food. We land on time. Only one complaint on the Virgin flight as their only red wine is Syrah.

Well we knew we’d arrived in San Francisco when we encountered a male weirdo wearing a mini skirt and some mauve colored curtains as a cape; then we’re nearly run down by two skate boarders towing one another; followed by a guy in a Stetson arguing with himself and bursting into incoherent catwauling. Full of fruitcakes prancing about.

Then we encounter the urine stinking stairs outsideof the BART station, mountains of chewing gum gob’d out on the pavements, you need crampons to negotiate them, followed by streets full of homeless sleeping rough. Their bedrolls lining the pavements – sorry sidewalks – like rows of the graves in the Somme.

Welcome to San Francisco.

Plan A is to get a Uber from the BART station to our hotel. Our first encounter with the Uber App, surrounded by the prancing weirdos, is not exactly the best introduction. The Human Computer Interface is not exactly the most easy to comprehend, but eventually I crack it. Wow what a great system, you even get to see the taxis whereabouts.

Hotel’s a Comfort Inn, clean, very comfortable and very expensive.

Up at the crack of sparrows ready to cook my first waffle of this trip.

Then we set off for a walk down to the ever popular pier 39. Wow, eating lunch and a healthy one at that with two fresh figs. At last we get to go on the Alcatraz tour, good job we booked over a month ago as there’s no availability for 5 days. What money spinning business this is.

Audio tour’s very interesting and well done.

Dinner’s a sandwich at Boudins. Make the most of it we’ve got 10 days of food, Food, FOOD and rampant gluttony to cope with.

Leisurely start to the day. The hotels been infested overnight with Italians. At breakfast they’re like a plague of noisy locusts.

Leisurely morning then it’s a Uber to the Ferry Terminal. Horrendous queues, sorry lines, to drop luggage off, but I’m approached by a young lady who tells me to follow her – wow I’ve pulled, my lucks in. We cut the lines – as they say – drop our luggage off and 10 minutes later we’re walking on board. The slickest boarding ever, spoilt only by the creation of a short queue to have the inevitable, money making photo taken. Appalling, greed and profit before customer service.

Our inside rabbit hutch, sorry stateroom – sounds a tad grand doesn’t it – is perhaps the smallest we’ve ever had, but it’s neat, clean and comfortable.

For the first time ever we’re on fixed dining. A table of 8, fortunately they all speak English. All Americans, but a pleasant interesting group, so I guess we’ll stick with it for now.

Our first full day at sea, so what scintillating entertainemnt do they have for our amusement and edification.

There’s the usual range of talks and seminars. The trick is to figure out what they’re going to try and sell you. I venture to the history of art, all very interesting and you get a free limited edition print. Mines certified as the 435,684th copy.

Off to the gym. Must be the youngest place on the ship / boat.

Oh it’s time for another meal – lunch.

Afternoons spent lounging around and blobby watching.

Then we opt for some intellectual stimulation. A talk on Juneau, our first port of call, given by a young guy whose mono tonal, expression free monologue has me asleep in seconds – a defense mechanism against ending up suicidal listening to him.

Oh and now it’s time for another over dose of cholesterol and calories with our new fixed dining friends and our waiters who so want to be our best friends for life. As to be expected wine on board is extortionate – only exceeded by the wifi rip off – but we’ve found a superb wheeze. Happy hour, buy one get a second for a $1, so two glasses of $7 Zinfandel comes out at $8, and adopting your best drunks stagger, not difficult with the pitch and roll on board, you just slink into fixed dining with two glassed in hand. First wine for nearly a week on the wagon.

Dinner’s hilarious as a couple try a special offer Baileys and coffee, complete with free shot glass, only to find that there’s no coffee with it. 10 minutes later everyone’s wet themselves with amusement and the waiter’s ready to slit his wrist. Food not so good, Wendy has gristle pie and one couple have desiccated salmon.

Then it’s off to the show. An irreverent, PC incorrect black (yes, you can still say black herein the colonies and they’ve not yet come up with another ridiculous word replacement) dreadlocked comedian. He’s hilarious.

Top the night off with a nice brandy night cap, so much the nicer because we managed to smuggle it onboard despite all the dire warnings and the risk to security

Coffee in the lounge as I do my blog to help me retain my sanity. Wendy’s watching a vegatable carving demo. Mean while I do some people watching, plenty of entertaining pickings. Then I consider why in the name of the FSM would you want to attend such a negative seminar to “learn the real reason why we can not get a flatter stomach and why crunches aren’t working”?

Boy it’s rough out there.

After lunch it’s a trip to the gym. Located on the top of the ship at the sharp end it gets the benefit of any rough seas, it’s like trying to exercise on a cake walk. After 20 minutes I’m ready to shout for Hughie and Ruth. I descend to our rabbit hutch (Princess’s marketing department describe it as a “stateroom”) and just about manage to keep the diced carrots down – have you ever noticed that whenever you pewk, no matter what you’ve eat in the past week, there are always diced carrots in it.

Quickly get ready for the “highlight of the cruise”, formal night, and to avoid pewking I dash down to the lowest level possible with a view of the sea.

After dinner we catch the comedian / magician. He’s pretty good but some of the best entertainment is provided by the smaller acts around the ship such as the guitarist singer, the classical group and the pop bands.

Drive up to Rothenberg, one of the most picturesque towns in Germany. It takes nearly 2 hours with all the road works and traffic jams.

Have a pleasant wander around. It’s our 2nd time here but it is pretty. Coffee and lunch in the main square and then we’re serenaded by a choir from Wisconsin followed by a full orchestra from Wisconsin to play popular classics. All very relaxing and enjoyable, and best of all the music was free.

On our way home we pop in to see Andy and Gerd’s supermarket. Wow, it’s massive and all very modern and swish. Have a grand tour with Andy and then a coffee.

Dinner of wild boar in the town square at Konigstein.

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Trip advisor review – Haus Am Markt 5 Star

Had a lovely junior suite here. Well equipped, comfortable, clean and typical Teutonic efficiency. Good continental breakfast. Excellent wifi. Hostess took a real pride in the place, the food was great and she was very helpful.

Early breakfast and then set off for a 6 hour, +400 mile, drive to Brussels. Road works introduce a few delays and at one stage satnav is predicting 120 minutes delay. Accept the diversions and we only suffer 30 minutes.

Our hotel is slap in the centre, only yards from the Grand Place. Thats the good news. The bad news is it’s a nightmare finding it. For some reason satnav leads us totally astray and has us going around in circles, just before we spiral up our own backsides she finally comes to her senses (note the female element) and gets us there.

Check in and then have a pleasant wander around. Wendy’s never been to Brussels before, so we have dinner on the Grand Place and then I take her to the chocolate shop I used the last few times I came here. She can’t resist but she has to eat them all within 3 weeks.

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Trip advisor review – NH Carrefour, Brussels 4 Star

4 star hotel within yards of the Grande Place. Great location. Good room, comfortable and clean. Wifi was a tad temperamental, but pleased to report electricity and water were OK. Good breakfast.

Being in such a central location it is a nightmare to get to, especially when your satnav goes on a bender and takes you round in circles. Good public car park next to hotel.

After a good breakfast we head for the hop on and off bus tour. Although in our case it’s mainly stay on, but can’t resist a look see of the Evil Union parliament, before it collapses under the weight of it’s own megalomania, greed and corruption. The free parlimentarium is pretty well done and free – well we’ve paid for it with our taxation without representation, the 1776 battle cry. Although like the EU 30% of the exhibits don’t function.

Then it’s back on the bus and pick up the outer Brussels tour.

Get back just in time to set off for a 2 hour drive to Rotterdam.

Arrive in plenty of time for the ferry but the great thing is they let you onboard more a less straight away, so no hanging around and you can start spending right away. Have a lovely buffet tea, some drinks and then stock up un some quality brandy for me and perfume for Wendy. She treats me to some quality YSL smelly stuff.

Then it’s off to bed while our hotel floats over to Hull.

Meanwhile here’s a link to a blog posting I did for HomeExchange.com – AN EXPERIENCED APPROACH TO HOME EXCHANGING. Earns me a free years membership.

http://blog.homeexchange.com/blog/exchange-tips/experienced-approach-to-home-exchange/5637/

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Quality breakfast and disembark quickly. All very efficient, apart from UK customs who seem to lack any form of common sense. That’s Wendy’s second cruise this year. Oh I do spoil her.

Then it’s a 90 minute drive to Belthorn and for once it’s not raining when we get home and there are no traffic jams once we get out of Hull.

Well that’s the blog over for this trip. Just go to a countdown for the number days until we escape for our 3 month California adventure.

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Off down to Chiemsee, the largest lake in Bavaria.

Catch the ferry over to the castle. Stop for the usual morning coffee and then have a stroll around the island. Finally find the castle, after wandering off course. Wendy says that’s not a castle. Have to agree it’s more of a palace, but hey ho it’s impressive from the outside. Our culture overdose means we forego another tour around the inside.

Back on mainland Wendy has her ice cream lunch.

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Call in at Rosenheim old town for a look around and a coffee. Find a great spot for coffee in the old square. Superb for people watching especially as there is a 2 Euro coin glued to the pavement to tempt people to try and pick it up – see photos. We get about 4 attempts whilst we’re there.

In the evening we have tea in the Aying Beer garden. All very tasty and relaxing. But what is it with Germany and it’s failure to accept credit cards. Do they not know this is the 21st century and the rest of the World has moved on from cash – especially the Euro!

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VRBO Kaps Review – 5 Stars

Set off to our next stop 4 days in Konigstein near Betzenstein.

On the way we stop off at Dachua concentration camp. It’s now a free memorial to the millions who died in the camps. A very sombre and stark reminder of what mankind is capable of. Worrying. Sadly it could happen again, especially the way the radical islamist are promoting terror, it wouldn’t take much for such a backlash.

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Drive up to Konigstein. More road works and delays than in the UK. A 2 hour drive takes 3 hours.

Arrive at Haus Am Markt to our quaint junior suite. All very comfortable in a little village.

Have another tasty tea sat out at one of the hotels around the village.

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After a interesting and individual continental breakfast we decide on a lazy day after all the driving of yesterday.

Drive down to Pegnitz for a wander around to see how it’s changed. Have our morning coffee in the old market square.

We go to buy some chocolates for our hosts tomorrow. I only get 3 words of german out and the old lady behind the counter sjuuttles off in a panic to get the young assistant, who can obviously speak English, to deal with me. So much for my german, but I try, and manage the rest of the transaction in German.

Then have a drive around to Betzenstein and surrounding areas. By now it’s only 13:00, Nuremberg’s only 30 miles away so we decide to have a look around. We’ve been before but over 25 years ago. The usual nightmare driving in, finding the old town and then finding parking.

End up fairly central in the old town. Just in time for Wendy to have her lunch before she expires from malnutrition and starvation. First area we wander around is like a little middle eastern section, now we know where all the immigrants are.

Wander around the old town a busy litter strewn mixture of old town with modern big city stores. Unusual for a German city it needs a good clean up.

To avoid yet another horrendous traffic jam we drive back down the country lanes. Pass through some lovely small old towns with character. Might have been better visiting them instead.

After another busy driving day we have tea at a restaurant near Konigstein. Menu choice is a tad limited but food is excellent, beer is awesome and all very cheap.

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Breakfast and a lazy morning.

Meet up with Jurgen and his family for a lovely lunch at Veldensteiner Forst followed by afternoon tea with delicious cakes in their garden. It’s about 28 years since we saw them last so we had plenty to catch up on and many photos and reminiscences. Lovely to see them all, although it makes you realise how old you are when they are all grown up with their own teenage children. Jurgen has teenage daughter and is 2nd director at a secondary school. Loves his job as a teacher.

Then we walk across the road to Henri and Margits house for afternoon drinks. Henri takes us to see his new depot in his awesome 7 series BMW heads up display and for Wendy sat in the back there’s TV’s, massage seats, spa air freshener – wot no jacuzzi! Henri now has a massive Diesel Oil business with over 50 tankers and now petrol stations. Rudi his son work in the business. Henri still works in the business every day, including Sundays, and is justly proud of his business.

Followed by a lovely evening meal in a Schlossbrennerei in Betzenstein. It is so hot we all dine out side. Andy, Gerd and their teenage children join us for dinner. Of course no meal with Henri would be complete without some good German beer and rounded off with a quality Schnapps – feurwasser. Again it’s about 25 years since we last saw them, so we have plenty to reminisce and catch up on. Andy has 3 children and is a Mediator and along with her husband Gerd runs a thriving supermarket.

All our friends and especially their children seem to be very happy and prospering. It was awesome to see them all after all this time, a whole generation later. I don’t think we’ve ever eat so much in a day, drive back to Konnigstein, well after Noddys gone past big ears.

Interesting to talk to Andy and family about BREXIT. They are a tad confused as to why we voted out. I explained our view, but forgot to tell them that another key factor in the vote was a protest vote, people were fed up with politicians ignoring the masses. They seem overall in favour of the EU. Andy likes the idea of an EU army for peace. Whereas Henri, as a business man, is a lot more sceptical of the EU especially the bureaucracy. Margit had an interesting view in that she feels they are a wealthy country and it is right that they share their wealth. Generally most seemed to agree that immigration was out of control. I think it is difficult for them to appreciate how our country is being swamped. Especially bad for us in the Blackburn area where we already having a burgeoning muslim presence trying to erode our cultural norms and overloading local services.

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Yes, we survived Italy. I think I deserve a medal for surviving those roads and the crazy exhaust bandits.

I spend about 8 months a year driving on the right. I spend about 8 months a year driving in unknown and foreign places. But nothing prepared me for Italy. Lovely country. We enjoyed it, but oh the roads, if you survive the pot holes; then you’ve the cyclist to overtake; followed by avoiding the scooters trying to scrape the paint off both sides of your car; then there’s the screaming loonies on their TT Trial bikes, glorified phallic symbols to make up for a minuscule penis, as they deafen, swerving in and out; but worse of all the crazy drivers trying to crawl up your exhaust pipe. They’ve no concept of a safe stopping distance, they seem to assume it’s measured in centimetres.

If ever we come back then it’ll be in an £100 old banger land rover, suitably ensconced in cobham armour plating, equipped with a rear flame thrower and blades protruding from our wheels like a roman charioteer.

Pleasant 4 hour drive up to Serfaus. Our Hotel Garni Alpina is lovely. Great room with sitting area and south facing balcony. Everything is spot on and wifi seems to work.

Have trouble driving the last 50 yards to our hotel because as usual there’s a beer festival on with some typical Tyrollean music.

Park the car up and there it will stay for the next two days. Serfaus is a traffic free village with a free underground railway.

Wendy has to have her lunch and cup of tea. Then it’s off to the beer festival for a daytime beer. Followed by a pleasant stroll around the village up to Cervosa and Maxamillian. All brings back great memories of family ski holidays here.

In the evening we go out to dinner for a typical Tyrollean food Zweifbelroastbraten, spatzle and couldn’t resist a Germknodel. It’s at least 20 years since we had one. All very tasty served in an awesome restaurant – just love all the traditional wood panelling.

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Don’t I just love Teutonic efficiency. Breakfast tables already set out, complete with a lovely little pottery name plate with our name on.

Great breakfast.

We get free lift passes with our hotel so it means we can ride all the 4 gondolas all day for free. In our day there was only one gondola. Off to the underground ski train. We remember this oh too well. Not as crowded as last time we used it. I’ll never forget the automatic German announcement “achtung tur schliessen automatische”

Take a trip to the top of the mountain and have coffee at a traditional Austrian mountain restaurant Lassida. I’m sure it wasn’t there in our day, but it looks like it’s been there for ages.

Stop off at Kolner Haus for Wendy’s lunch. Arghh…., they modernised it in 2003. Lost all its rustic charm and they’ve got rid of those lampshades. Food wasn’t all that good either we should have eat at the top of the mountain.

Catch another gondola and lo and behold there’s a boating lake and amusement area been opened up on the mountain. Now I know why those walkers had to be so well equipped.

Have a leisurely stroll back down the main street. Trying to remember which places we stayed at and where we bought a loaf of bread, becher muesli, hot chestnuts and shoes.

In the evening we go out for dinner again to the Astoria. All plans are for a bauern platter, tiroller grostle and kaiserscharm. Free schnapps (feurwasser) to round off the meal. We’re so full we can’t manage a kaiserscharm.

Love this place, it’s all so clean, organised, efficient and pleasant. Being in the mountains the temperature is not too hot, just ideal for walking. Civilised. Could certainly come back for a weeks summer walking holiday. But for skiing I don’t think we’d come back. Sure they’ve expanded the area and you can now ski Fiss and Ladis on the same lift system but still not a patch on the size of Park City; oh so expensive; most of the ski areas are not high enough to guarantee good snow; narrow runs; I suspect it’s still crowded.

Wow these Germans sure like their walking. A lot of them are our age. The mountains are crisscrossed with organised walking paths, yet when you look at the average German walker you’d think they were on a mission to the top of Everest. They have super strong, shock absorbing, waterproof, hiking boots; back pack big enough for a whole years backpacking; super high tech, waterproof jackets and trousers; two walking poles that look like they’ve been personally moulded to their hands and could be used to defend yourself and scratch your back. All thats missing is an ice pick, crampons and oxygen.

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Review Hotel Garni Alpina – 5 Stars

A lovely 4 star hotel. Room was great with sitting area and small balcony. Breakfast was good quality food. Everything is just right. Would definitely stay there again. Surprised they didn’t accept credit card but we booked via booking.com, so not to big a problem and price was good. Wifi was ok.

After a hearty breakfast set off to our next stop a VRBO in Kaps, just outside Munich.

Lovely drive through Austria to the German border where there’s a traffic jam. Yes, despite Schengen there’s a German border patrol guy just waving all German, Italian and Austrian cars through. What happens to us? Yes, the only British car and we get stopped. Do I think it can be something to do with BREXIT. He asks us if we’re going home, I tell him no we’re going to Germany and we’re waved on. What a prejudicial waste of time. Looks like the Germans have already abandoned Schenegan, never mind waiting for an EU go ahead.

Arrive at our new home in Kaps, a small village of about 5 houses. Our home for the next 4 days is massive – see pictures. To just walk to the kitchen will beat Wendy’s daily fitbit steps target. Two bedrooms, 3 balconies and oh so modern. Well equipped, everything is just right and top quality.

Amazing, even though there’s only about 5 houses and they’re all spread out, yet the wifi password is 16 characters long. What is this obsession with passwords? There’s no way any of the other 4 houses would be within range and it’s in the back of beyond.

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Yeah, beans on toast for tea.

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Drive down to Aying, about 5 minutes away. Park up and catch the train into Munich. The trains modern, comfortable, air conditioned and clean. You can even see out the windows, unlike Italy.

Whatever happened to common sense? Aying platform ticket machine is like the typical German trying to worship the sun, getting a great tan. Stuff the passenger trying to read the screen. Wot no deck chair towel. Pity we could have used it to shade the screen. Let’s just summaries some of the other issues, won’t accept any of our credit cards; won’t accept a €20 note; says no change given and it gives change; confusing screen design; ticket it prints won’t fit in the authorize machine. Apart from that it was perfect.

After a 40 minute trip we’re in the main station in Munich and pick up a hop on and off bus tour.

Munich is lovely but oh so hot. We stop for a coffee in the English Garden and watch them surfing. Then it’s the Marienplatz for the town hall and a gentle stroll around. Wot no selfie sticks, not a single one to be seen, unlike

Italy where they’re ike a plague of locust trying to swipe you and poke your eye out. Is the percentage of selfie sticks inversely proportional to the wealth of a country?

Saunter round to the Hofbrau house for a beer and some lunch.

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Break all my retirement commandments and have ein Masse and some lunch. Great beer, great food but spoilt by crap customer service.

Then full of good food and quality beer, we waddle around some more. Hop on the bus back to the main station. By now it’s hotter than hell and half of Georgia.

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Lazy morning then we drive down to Tegernsee. A lakeside town that, according to our host, brews the best beer in Germany.

It’s a pleasant little town. A bit of a tourist trap. We have a coffee and lunch by the lake then have a saunter around. Splash out on 3 bottles of their local beer.

Then we drive back to Aying, our nearest town, that also has it’s own brewery – Ayinger. Have a wander around and stop in the open air beer garden for a beer – sinful. It’s all very pleasant, I could get used to this way of life. Oh and the beer is excellent.

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It ain’t half hot again but we brave the heat and venture into Siena to see the Duomo. We missed it last trip.

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Wendy has a pleasant lunch and then after a 4 mile saunter we head back home for some cool.

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Review of our VRBO outside Siena – 1 star.

A lovely 2 bedroom / 2 bathroom villa. Clean and fairly well equipped, grounds and pool were also well kept. Two lovely patio areas, complete with settee, chairs and dining table. Also sun loungers. Pool area was lovely. Lounge was small but adequate, sadly a tad on the dark side and could do with some better lighting. No air conditioning in the lounge but was in both bedrooms.

Fairly expensive, but apart from the wifi fiasco it would have been worth it.

Wifi was diabolical. Up and down like a jihadis machete. I complained but things didn’t improve. Just typical. Fortunately all the other utilities didn’t cut out or keep failing and none needed a password to access them.

I would have given this place 5 stars but I’m so sick of hotels and rentals not treating wifi seriously. If water, electricity or gas was up and down like this wifi, then you’d be furious. I choose places that claim they have wifi and expect it to work speedily and consistently like other utilities. It’s not rocket science. For this reason I’m giving them a punitive 1 star.

We say goodbye to our lovely villa just outside Siena and drive up to a weeks home exchange on a vineyard just outside Verona.

It’s a leisurely 3 hour drive, mostly quality toll roads spoilt only by the crazy exhaust bandits that maraud these highways, a modern day scourge like the highwaymen of old.

Satnav does an excellent job and gets us to our new home. This BMW is awesome, you just identify the location on maps. In this case I used the satellite view to check the villa out and then sent the co-ordinates down to the car.

We’ve a 3 bedroom apartment in this lovely villa just surround by vineyards. Even has it’s own gym and pole for Wendy to do some pole dancing for my entertainment – pictures may follow.

Get settled in. Hooray, wifi works. Then it’s off down to the local supermarket, which defying all expectations is open all day, on a Sunday. A nice bottle of Primitivio and some quality German beers along with a few Italian delicious like cannelloni, MELANZANE ALLA PARMIGIANA, porchetta and a selection of Italian cheeses including some awesome Mascarpone cheese.

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Fairly lazy morning and then we drive into Verona for a shufty round. No hop on / off tour, no guided walking tour, just us and google maps exploring the most popular looking places. Bump into Juliets balcony purly by accident, not really on our list. What a tourist magnet it is, teaming with us dam tourists.

Being of the “forgot what I had for breakfast” age, today I forgot to put my belt on so there I am shuffle around Verona in dire risk of my shorts falling down. How embarrassing would that be under Juliets balcony. “O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou you pervert? Pull up thy draws, stop thy codpiece being faded by the suns almighty rays.”

Stop for a lunch time coffee, then 4 miles later we stop for Wendy’s belated lunch. Not ice cream today but apple cake Italian style.

I ask if we should go in the amphitheatre and see where they feed crap software designers to the lions on a Saturday afternoon. Wendy comes back with a typical BREXITer abroad comment “It’s only an old building with holes in the walls and an arena in the middle”.

Driving in and out of Verona was an absolute nightmare. Italian roads in the cities are as confusing as a bowl of spaghetti, but then you add more wanker drivers per kilometre than pilgrims perambulating around a black pagan obelisk in Mecca.

We chose a really central car park. It was great, even had those little red and green lights on each bay so you knew if they were free or not. But €9 for 3 hours I thought I’d bought the place.

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Up and out for a drive around Lake Garda. First 20 miles makes us think we’re in Blackpool with theme parks, a Paradise for your sad Brits abroad. But then it gets to the really beautiful parts. It is lovely but all 100 miles are spoilt by loony drivers. Stop for morning coffee by the lake in Garda. It has a typical seaside resort feel about it. A lot of Brits.

Then we have dinner at the top end of the lake.

A pleasant but long days driving. Made all the more stressful with exhaust bandits and loony motorcyclists on narrow winding roads.

Well we’ve still not come across the hint of a tin of baked beans. Now I’m all in favour of the “when in Rome” principle, and do like to experience foreign foods, but how I do yearn for a simple meal, just once in 6 weeks. Anyway I’ve come up with some new International suggestions. What about macaroni and baked beans, perhaps with diced pork sausage or a baked bean pizza with some pepperoni on.

Just sat on the balcony enjoying a delicious Paulaner beer whilst I watch the grapes grow out there in the vineyard.

I now fully understand this Mediterranean obsession with shutters. Essential to keep the place cool but we end up like bats in a cave, fluttering around in the dark.

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Up and out early and off to Milan. Drive to Brescia. Finally find the station car park. Get a first class on the slow train to Milan. Judging by the state of the carriage I think it’s actually 3rd class. Certainly doesn’t need any shutters, looks like the Windows haven’t been cleaned since world war 1.

In Milan we catch the underground to the Duomo. Wow, makes the Siena Duomo look like a Lego church. It is truly awesome. Have a coffee overlooking the main piazza and then set off for a wander around. Expensive shops and all very plush. A lot different from all the other Italian cities, not so much culture more commerce. A pleasant change.

Get back to Brescia to pick the car up and despite dire warnings the car and it’s contents are still there.

Our American visitors do make us wander at times, they come all this way to stay in our home and then “nip” down to Stonehenge. A 5 hour drive each way. We can’t seem to get across to them how much there is to see and do within an hours drive.

This home exchanging is a funny old business. Not only do you get to stay in so many different houses but you also get a squint into how people live. Makes you realise how different peoples lives can be. For instance can you believe that not everyone has a kettle. On the other side of life many people have a bidet to wash their feet in. What is this European obsession with washing your genitals? I’ve always said we don’t make good Europeans – “you can’t make a milky pure European out of a Brit with big ears and mucky smelly genitals” – being just one of the many ways we don’t fit, so we’re better off out.

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Off down to Bologna. Parking was a nightmare. My target car park was minuscule and relied upon valet parking. Certainly wasn’t trusting my pride and joy to that dodgy looking geezer. Ended up parking on the streets, just outside the forbidden ZLT zone.

Bologna, an Apple Store, more eating joints than small Italian banks about to go belly up, but amazingly nothing to tempt Wendy. She looses the will to live and resorts to Mac Donald’s, sad – at least there’s no cover charge.

Not quite as chic as Milan yesterday, and the church is quite mundane compared to all the others we’ve seen.

Nice covered walkways / arcades everywhere means you don’t have to shadow dance to stay out of the sun. Old town area was fascinating with some awesome food shops selling hams and cheese. Just a pity you can’t capture the delicious smells.

Have a pleasant wander around the main sites but it’s oh so noisy and considering traffics supposed to be limited in the forbidden ZLT zone, I can’t believe how many cars, scooters and buses there are. Too much traffic. Too noisy.

Seems like we missed Neptunes statue.

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Lazy day today. Have a wine tour in the morning. All very interesting. These vineyards are massive. 175 Hectares and they sell to 47 different countries.

At the end of the personalised tour we get to do some wine tasting. Love the Valpolicella Superior, my first Valpolicella in Italy was nowhere as rounded and mellow as this, and their was great Merlot. Sadly this meant committing a retirement sin by drinking before 17:00, but it would have been rude not to.

Then we have the rest of the day packing and relaxing before our drive to Austria.

A fine bottle of Valpolicella Superior, some awesome Italian cheeses, some see through Proscutio and bread for tea.

It seems we’ve may have caused something like a major Mafia blood feud. The Left hand side of the garage, that we enter through, belongs to one brother and the right hand side to another. We’re staying in the home of the daughter of the right hand brother and have committed a major crime by walking to the stairs via the left hand side. We did this because it was as easy and seemed less intrusive on the privacy of the right hand side. Anyway emails have been flying backwards and forwards between our host in New York and the left hand brother about this major territorial incursion.

The United Nations Security council have been called into session and we’ve have now amended our sinful ways and averted any bloodshed. I’m glad to report that so far we’ve not found a dead horses head on our pillow. Our hostess has been very helpful and hospitable, but this incident, totally outside of her control, soured a lovely stay.

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