Tony & Wendy's Travel Blog

Wednesday – grey and overcast. Only 73F, the locals are all out wrapped up in fleeces.

Excitement this morning as its the Farmers market yet again. At least we buy fruit, but alas no multi-coloured sweetcorn this week. 

Typical there’s a biscuit stall.Not just any old biscuits but one dedicated to dog biscuits.  Mind you when you have poodles dressed up and in push chairs there’s obviously enough fruitcakes around to make a good living – see picture.

One of the many nice things about America  is there patriotism, proud to be American, belief that its the best country in the World, but best of all their respect for the military. No muslim scrots here denigrating returning soldiers or parades. 

I had a chat with a couple of Vets on their veterans market stall and asked them if it was generally felt America was doing the dirty work for Europe and Europe wasn’t even paying the premiums – see Bill Maher comments from last night. They seemed to agree with that to an extent, especially France and Spains attitude – no fly zone when raiding Gaddafi, etc – but mainly feel it’s more one of cost and cutting back on Nato. I asked them well what about Britain. They genuinely seemed to feel we’re in it together and Britain was one of their best allies. For instance they were disgusted that Obama had returned the bust of Winston Churchill, felt it was a real insult to GB. One said with some vehemence, “If I ever get to be President the first thing I’ll do is get in Air Force one and come across to the UK to pick up that bust and return it to the White House”.

I do so like a women with a sense of humour. After 42 years of marriage, on her way out to the supermarket, she comes out with a real pearler “you can do some ironing if you’re bored”. How kind.

There’s a country that has stepped up arrests and trials of peaceful dissidents; responded with force to demonstrations by citizens; suppresses or fail to protect the rights of 9 million women and girls and 9 million foreign worker; doesn’t even let women drive (mind you they probably have low accident rates on the roads); thousands of people have received unfair trials or been subject to arbitrary detention; trials against half-a-dozen human rights defenders; Female genital mutilation is prevalent; oh and not to forget stoning still goes on.

Where is it?

Saudi Arabia.

So what you may say. Well the ultimate irony is they’ve now got a seat on the UN Human Rights Council. Like putting a poacher in charge of a chicken farm. Makes me madder than a wet hen.

This is our neighbour. I think she’s single… She lives right across the road. I can see her place from my deck.I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway and knocked on my door. I rushed to open it, she looks at me and says,”I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long! Are you busy tonight?”

I quickly replied, “Nope, I’m free, I have no plans at all!”

She said, “Great! Could you watch my dog?”

Being a senior citizen, really sucks!

Thursday – hot and sunny.

Visit the Isle of Capris. Not really much there but had a nice coffee at the harbour and it was free.

Drive back to the Apple store to return one unwanted Apple TV – Ross can’t get Now TV on it.

What is it that’s thinner, faster, lighter, talks faster and comes with a swish logo? No it’s not a female anorexic sprinter with verbal diarrhoea in a Nike tee shirt. It’s the new iPad Air. So what you may say. Well nerdy Wendy just couldn’t resist along with a vivid green cover to distinguish it from the rest – I think we’ll have to start giving them pet names. We now have 4 iPads. Anybody want to buy an iPad original – soon to be a high value antique? I blame Ross.

I wouldn’t mind it took longer to choose the colour of the iPad cover.

And then people say I’m the nerd.

After exercising the plastic we go down to the Harbour shops. Not that we can find them. Finally crack it and sit having our lavish lunch by the waterside – lovely grapes. Shops are typical of those frequented by the Cadi / Merc / Lexus / Porsche coffee morning brigade that seem to infest this area. I’ve seen more old geezers and even old biddies in flashy two seater sports, reliving their youth, than there are fleas and dandruff ridden tea towels in Afghanistan.

Then an exciting trip to Best Buy to see whats the best deal we can get on a PAYG SIM only for iPhone 5. This time the “expert” is nuttier than a squirrel turd with his “No one does PAYG SIMs for iPhone 5”. What about Tmobile? “Doh”, long pregnant pause “Oh yeah they do, but we don’t have any.” And AT&T? “Yeah, they might.”

A few more PC Terms, starting with the most fearful of them all:

Nigger – Originally, A negro Slave. Has evolved to mean “A Trashy or devious Negro”, but the word has still lost acceptance. (see : White Trash). Even a mere mention of the “N” word can et you sacked or pilloried these days. A really naughty word.

Psycho – Replaced by Pathologically High-Spirited

Secretary – Replaced by Administrative Assistant – The word Secretary comes from Latin and means ‘Confidential Officer’ – And for some unknown reason this is a bad thing. 

Sex Change – Replaced by gender re-assignment.

Swamp – Replaced by Wetland. Swamps are full alligators, bugs, and disease. If anybody went around saying that we need to “save the swamps”, people would think they were out of their friggin’ mind!

Trailer Park – Replace by Mobile Home Community. 

Ugly – Replaced by Visually Challenging.

White Trash – Losers of European descent. Term still in acceptance, although its counterpart term to describe trash of the negro race is being eliminated.

Saturday – sun and cloud but still oh so warm.

Lazy morning as usual. 

Afternoon we set off to explore the rest of the Island on our bikes. Even have cycle helmets and one that fits me.

Manage to find the only hill on the Island, much to Wendy’s disgust. I wouldn’t mind it’s no bigger than a pimple on a tarts arse.

Come across these tortoise. Poor little buggers risk these  roads to breed and lay their eggs. Perhaps those little breeders in the UK with 13 kids scrounging off taxpayers, might breed less if they had to cross a 5 lane motorway in the dark every time they get the urge to procreate. Would help calm their libido. Save us taxpayers a fortune.

Then you get these two male tortoise studs jousting for position and their harem of 72 virgins awaiting them over the hill.

Have to report 3 blades of grass too long; a small crack in a pavement; a weed in one of the manicured lawns to the local council.

As usual end up at Starbucks for my afternoon fix. Did you know that if you ask for a small coffee you get a 12oz cup. Well actually there’s a cheaper, smaller cup. Called a short, it’s only 8Oz, well hidden so you have to specifically ask for it. I know it’s un-American not to go for the 20Oz.

A good 4 hour bike ride. Lost about 4 gallons of sweat and we forgot our water – will Nat ever forgive me. Fitbit doesn’t seem to register cycling as activity. Perhaps I need to strap it to my leg or some other part of me.

With Britain becoming worse and worse by the day, I propose that we all seek asylum somewhere. I suggest Pakistan:

We could build a huge church in the middle of Islamabad that dominates the skyline, play loud pop music from the church steeple 5 times a day, set up chippys and shops on every corner, assault the locals who dare to come into “our” part of town, set up specialist  shops selling pork products and non-halal meat, protest to the government that the name “Ramadan” is offensive to our religion, and ask that they make it more inclusive by changing it to “Starve Yourself Fest.”, wander around in skimpy clothes, insist on all signs to be in English, expect all schools to change their curriculum for us.

Poetry is absolutely lost on me. I really can’t understand why it’s even in the school curriculum. But this teenage Danish poet of muslim parents has dared to write some poetry which criticises the religion of peace.  or his trouble he’s received 27 death threats so far. In addition to targeting hypocrisy, his poetry, he says, speaks to the problem of Muslims “exploiting the society they live in.” On free speech, Hassan says “Muslims love to take advantage of (it), and as soon as there is someone else saying something critical against them, they want to restrict it.” So in order to promote free speech, desensitise muslims and cock a snoot at that evil ideology that poses as a religion here’s a short extract of one of his poems.

“You don’t want pork meat,may Allah praise you for your eating habits, you want Friday prayer till the next Friday prayer,you want Ramadan till the next Ramadan, and between the Friday prayers and the Ramadans, you want to carry a knife in your pocket, you want to go and ask people if they have a problem, although the only problem is you.”

Sunday – hot and cloudy.

Wendy’s just bought the Sunday paper in off the drive – been lobbed there no doubt by some pimply youth on a chopper, an all American tradition. Of course as in all things American it just so much bigger, I won’t use the word better. There’s half a trees worth of useless bumph. 6” high stack of wasted newsprint / adverts. Read or even skim through all that and you end up as bored as a Taliban in the papal library. But one advert did catch my eye, a glossy full page on all the guns I can buy. A Smith & Wesson M&P15 assault rifle complete with 30 round magazine, instant death, destruction and fame for $699. Or what about Bond’s Beretta, complete with 2 High capacity magazines, all for a price so stunningly low it’s “Too low to advertise”.

After lunch we set off for our cultural overdose of the week in the local theatre. “Blame it on  Beckett” is the play, in a tiny theatre with just 4 actors. Enjoyable, quaint, a comedy. Typical American audience, mainly women, even clap at the start and of course everyone is not just content with clapping at the end they have to give a standing ovation. It was ok, but a standing ovation, come on. Just the usual Lemming effect. I’m sure we’ll see the next advancement in one upmanship for audience appreciation to be standing on chairs and clapping.

After the show you get to meet the actors on the way out – “Oh darling, how absolutely marvellous”,”An awesome performance”, “you were magnificent”, blah, blah, blah.

Only in America … Could politicians talk about the greed of the rich at a $35,000.00 a plate campaign fund-raising event.

Only in America … Could people claim that the government still discriminates against black Americans when they have a black President, a black Attorney General and roughly 20% of the federal workforce is black while only 14% of the population is black. 40+% of all federal entitlements goes to black Americans – 3X the rate that goto whites, 5X the rate that go to Hispanics.

Only in America … Could they have had the two people most responsible for the tax code turn out to be tax cheats who are in favour of higher taxes.

Only in America … Can they have terrorists kill +4,000 people in the name of Allah and have the media primarily react by fretting that Muslims might be harmed by the backlash.

Only in America … Would they make people who want to legally become American citizens wait for years in their home countries and pay tens of thousands of dollars for the privilege, while they discuss letting anyone who sneaks into the country illegally just ‘magically’ become American citizens.

Good to know we’re not the only Country that suffers from a complete lack of common sense.

Wake up and understand that islam is at war with our way of life. Our values are based on democracy. Democracy implies equality.  Yet equality is unacceptable in Islam. Un-believers cannot be equal to believers and women are not equal to men. The People of the Book (Jews and Christians) are accepted as second class citizens and allowed to live in an Islamic state provided they pay the protection tax; Jizyah. But the pagans, atheists and idolaters are not regarded as fully humans. According to the Quran, the idolaters are to be killed wherever they are found.” (9:5).

In the April 9, 2002 issue, The Wall Street Journal published the concept of blood money in Saudi Arabia. If a person has been killed or caused to die by another, the latter has to pay blood money or compensation, as follow.
100,000 riyals if the victim is a Muslim man,
50,000 riyals if a Muslim woman,
50,000 riyals if a Christian man,
25,000 riyals if a Christian woman,
6,666 riyals if a Hindu man,
3,333 riyals if a Hindu woman.

According to this a Muslim man’s life is worth 33 times that of a Hindu woman. This hierarchy is based on the Islamic definition of human rights and is rooted in the Quran and the Sharia. How can we talk of democracy when the concept of equality in Islam is nonexistent?

Wake up and smell the coffee before it’s too late. They want World domination.

Monday – hot and sunny.

Captain Pugwash and his deckhand Maggie Lafayette take HMSS Black Pig out for a cruise. Maggie Lafayette dons the latest in maritime safety wear. While still in dock she clings to anything and panics that the boats going to drift away with her in it.

Whatever happened to having some bikini clad eye candy decorating me focsle. Never mind I’ve got me fitbit on! Captain Pugwash shapes up like a dithering dogfish when it comes to steering. Takes some getting used to but at least on our return I’ve mastered the latency in the steering. Brave the open waters of the Gulf of Mexico and up the beach. Maggie Lafayette’s squawking like a constipated seagull, too fast; too bumpy; too far out; too wet; too deep. She survives. Then do a tour down the canals as we drool at the luxury mansions and  their boats.

Requiem for a frog. Yes we’ve found the frog in the car. Yes he’s very desiccated. Yes he’s very dead. At least he didn’t stink the car out but now the cars haunted by the sole of a tiny frog. Poor thing.

We go down to the residents private beach, complete with USA flag waving chairs and Kindles.Very swish, no riff raff allowed. It’s hotter than two hampsters farting in a wool sock. After a brief paddle and an hour melting into a puddle we give up and go for a coffee. Yes, you guessed it – Starbucks.

Well kipper me capstans if we haven’t missed Bingo at the synagog complete with free hot dog – strictly kosher I hope.

Shopping for a SIM only deal for my iPhone ready for our year living in Park City. Th’art nor ‘avvin’ me on a butty.  “No you can’t get a 3G service on the iPhone it’s 4G only” – so why does my iPhone keep showing 3G when I’m in the UK? “Ah it’s illegal to have an unlocked mobile.” What bullshit they try to feed us, must think we came over in the famous transatlantic tunnel.

Only in America … Could the people who believe in balancing the budget and sticking by the country’s Constitution be thought of as”extremists.”

Only in America … Do they make sick people walk to the back of the strode for their prescriptions, whilst selling cigarettes at the front.

Only in America … Could you need to present a driver’s license to cash a check or buy alcohol, but not to vote.

Only in America … Could people demand the government investigate whether oil companies are gouging the public because the price of gas went up when the return on equity invested in a major U.S. Oil company is less than half of a company making tennis shoes(Nike).

Only in America … Could the government collect more tax dollars from the people than any nation in recorded history, still spend aTrillion dollars more than it has per year – for total spending of $7Million PER MINUTE, and complain that it doesn’t have nearly enoughmoney.

Only in America … Could the rich people – who pay 86% of all income taxes – be accused of not paying their “fair share” by people who don’t pay any income taxes at all.

US and UK taxpayers fund the Palestinian Authority, which in turn funds prisoners in Israeli jails.

Here’s how the system works. When a Palestinian is convicted of an act of terror against the Israeli government or innocent civilians, such as a bombing or a murder, that convicted terrorist automatically receives a generous salary from the Palestinian Authority. The salary is specified by the Palestinian “law of the prisoner” and administered by the PA’s Ministry of Prisoner Affairs.

Now if that isn’t pots for rags I don’t know what is. This is money we don’t have! Nuttier than a Squirrel turd and makes me madder than a eunuch at an orgy. HEADS SHOULD ROLL.

New law – all foreign aid should be stopped immediately, unless the politicians are prepared to pay for it out of their own pockets. Charity begins at home.

Tuesday – sunny and very hot 93F or 34C if you prefer.

Off on a bike ride to one of the best Florida Birding Trail sites at Tiger Tail beach. Have a 30 minute stroll but it’s hotter than the hinges of hell. Wendy’s whining like a stuck alternator so we abandon and have lunch in the shade with the sweat dripping onto our lunch. Fortunately we’ve remembered water.

Then it’s a Starbucks to unwind. Noticed that like most Starbucks it’s an Apple only zone. I’ve also noticed that the Island seems to be an Android free zone.

Wendy is rapidly rejuvenated at the prospect of some shopping.

Get back for afternoon tea and studying American Politics. All those Amendments and a fine written constitution yet the country still has all the problems we suffer.

Now I’m not a great fan of American TV. A classic case of quantity not quality. But they do  produce some good series and they have Piers Morgan on CNN every night (the NRA’s not managed to toss him out the country yet, although I do believe they’ve issued a fatwas against him) and there’s Real Time with Bill Maher. He’s a comedian / atheist / political commentator, great show. Really like it. A bit sad tonight though to hear his comment on snooping on Europe. Seems it’s ok because the US has been protecting us and doing our dirty work in the World since the 2nd World War and we’ve not paid the premiums. Not to forget I suppose that they won the 2nd World War single handedly. Sad but I suppose that’s how Americans see it with their inflated self macho gun slinging ego. I’d like to think that the UK was excluded from that, after all the times our troops have been in there with them, but who knows.

Some more PC Terms:

Jungle – Replaced by Rainforest. A Rainforest is a happy place where Disney characters dance and sing … a jungle is a scary place with lions, tigers, malaria and natives that want to cut off your head and boil it for dinner… who in their right mind would want to save that!?!

Lumberjack – Replaced by Murderer.

Man’s Job and Woman’s Work – Replaced by Traditional Gender Role. These are basic practices that are followed in one form or another by most of the life forms on this planet, and have been part of human culture for thousands of years… and as with most other ‘traditions’, a lot of people believe that it is time for a change.

Midget – Replaced by Vertically Challenged.

Natural Disaster – replaced by Unnatural Event caused by man’s destruction of the environment. Every hurricane, mudslide, and flood sould be blamed on Global Warming, even though these events have been occurring for millions of years. (I’m still waiting for somebody to blame the last Ice Age on the campfires of cavemen)

Lets summarise todays loony blood boiling news:

We have a Chief Constable who thinks that “The police and the public should be more tolerant of antisocial behaviour because much of it amounts to boisterous growing up”. With 2.2 million cases of anti-social behaviour last year does she not think there is a serious problem in this country. Todays yobs are tomorrows scrots and criminals. Zero tolerance is needed. What can you expect from a female Chief Constable – sack her.

There’s a crazy scheme to give mothers £200 shopping vouchers if they breast feed. That’ll be just another mad incentive to breed like rabbits, live off the state and about as useful as suckin’ on a titty through a sweatshirt!

Oh and of course not to forget the spectre of boatloads of immigrants from Romania and Bulgaria arriving January 1st to claim their FREE housing, FREE benefit and anything else we are prepared to dole out.

New law – anybody whose conduct is “seriously prejudical to the interests of the UK”, such as terrorists etc. should not only have their passport burnt but also have their ass kicked out of the country, along with their family. Why do we tolerate these scrots.

So let’s see if I’ve got this right 70+ Christians slaughtered in Pakistan; 120+ slaughtered in Nairobi; 50+ students slaughtered in their sleep in Pakistan. And the common factor is? Well in case you hadn’t guessed it’s the religion of peace’s extremist. But of course as our politicians point out this is nothing to do with Islam – bullshit. What planet do they live on.

Friday – rain, must still be in the UK.

Welcome back, you two. Just a reminder black text is what we’ve been up to; blue text is jokes, sick humour, hopefully all non PC; purple text is my blood boiling rants, always non PC; red text is reserved for those so very special rants and jibes at religion, all religions, all non PC and such a fertile source for ridicule. If you’re offended by my opinions or anything I say, tough, I don’t care. Stop reading, I really don’t seek your approval. Just my way of stopping my blood boiling and standing up for free speech.

Off to Manchester airport to catch Virgin flight to Orlando. Disaster befalls Wendy in the airport lounge, only a quarter bottle of brandy left. I did warn them that Wendy was coming but obviously didn’t realise what a prodigious drinker she was and how many tablets she had to wash down. Rejoice, rejoice they bring out a new bottle after I point out that the other one is now empty. Wendy manages to board the plane unassisted.

Flight was very comfortable. Movies were good. Whitehouse Down was awesome, the new Die Hard. Food was as crap as ever but our M&S buttes saved the day, smart move Wendy. Dolly with the trolley asked how come I’d bought sandwiches. Told her I’d flown Virgin before, she laughed. Whats with the latest in flight fashion? Why are these giant orangutangs, with biceps the size of a hookers thigh, more tattoos than graffiti on a toilet wall, more piercings than holes in a string vest, parading up and down in a dingy white vests. Ah the answers very simple. Free drinks. It’s a wonder they’re not crawling down the isles. I think it’s a scrots road trip. Despite the company on board the nice thing about Virgin is that the dollies with trolleys all smile and have a laugh, unlike most US airlines where they all seem to have been lobotomised.

Usual crap on landing 45 minutes to get through immigration. As always I bite my tongue and say nothing. But sad to see the educational standard requirements for gun toting immigration officials is slipping. They clearly can’t read as all the questions they asked were filled in on my form. Heaven forbid they should smile.

Fiasco with Hertz mobile as I’m directed to the wrong collection point.

Hampton Inn Hotel is very swish and comfortable, just that bit nicer than Choice hotels.

Spend the evening around the pool and fire pit, with two nesh Texas Sheriffs who need the fire pit lighting to keep them warm in the cold 70 F evening. Spend most of the evening chatting with these two and putting the World to right. It turns out they are flying Sheriffs who fly all over the US to pick up badies and bring them back to Texas for incarceration. Get some great tips for our planned Texas trip next year.

Crazy laws in Florida:

Florida (accidentally) banned all computers and smartphones in internet cafes.

It is illegal for a doctor to ask a patient whether they own a gun.

The state constitution allows for freedom of speech, a trial by jury, and pregnant pigs to not be confined in cages.

One may not commit any “unnatural acts” with another person.

Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown. Dam me no, I’m devastated.

Saturday – hot and sunny.

Dust off the mildew and don me shorts. Let the air get to me dangly bits and give the World the benefit of me knees.

Drive down to Marco Island in full size gas guzzler. Take the scenic cross country route. Certainly get to see the other side of Florida. People sat on their steps reading papers, drinking and smoking god knows what.

Arrive at our home exchange on Marco Island. Wow. Lovely two bedroom home complete with Honda CV SUV, giant TV’s, pool, jacuzzi, own dock, boat, kayaks, push bikes and of course. You name it, it has it and of course it wouldn’t be complete without the giant all American barbie. No aluminium trays here. Our hosts have left the fridge stocked and even a bottle of my  favourite Pinot Noire to welcome us.

Another awesome Home Exchange. People ask us why we do it? Isn’t it risky? My question is why wouldn’t you do it?

After lunch Wendy gets her weekly treat and goes to Publix, her favourite supermarket. Sadly it has no coffee shop, so after selecting the vital supplies like coffee and wine, I drive off to Starbucks. It’s America no one walks.

Marco Island is lovely. Landscaped, pristine, no blades of grass out of place. Fantastic properties. Very expensive. You get a feeling of dollars oozing everywhere. Rolls Royce’s trying to drive up your exhaust pipe – buggers. Even in Starbucks the guy in front of me asks them to put a $100 on his Starbucks card, none of my $10 at a time uploads. And yes there are old people here, but they’re a spritely lot and not a zimmer frame in sight also plenty of younger eye candy to keep the pupils exercised.

Crazy laws in Florida:

Unmarried couples may not commit “lewd acts” and live together in the same residence.

Corrupting the public morals is defined as a nuisance, and is declared a misdemeanor offense.

Doors of all public buildings must open outwards.

It is illegal to sell your children.

Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal. 

Well looks like I’m going to be monitored. Fame at last.

The European Parliament is quietly considering a proposal that calls for the direct surveillance of any EU citizen suspected of being “intolerant.”

Critics say the measure — which seeks to force the national governments of all 28 EU member states to establish “special administrative units” to monitor any individual or group expressing views that the self-appointed guardians of European multiculturalism deem to be “intolerant” — represents an unparalleled threat to free speech in a Europe where citizens are already regularly punished for expressing the “wrong” opinions, especially about Islam.Sunday – very hot and sunny.

Looking on the bright side though it’ll probably increase my readership by 50%. Yet another attack on free speech from the lunies in the EU. Get us out of there.

Sunday – hot and sunny.

Lazy morning. Take the Hertz mobile back and have a leisurely stroll back to the house. Found 3 blades of grass out of place on the sidewalk (pavement), reported it to the local council. Then it’s a leisurely coffee and read around the pool. 

Plenty of black panther crossings. Apparently there genuinely are black panthers a roaming around. Sadly an endangered species.

Next task is to figure out how to drive this boat. Which side of the road do you drive on? What do the buoys mean? Then the other big question is how to get in the Kayak from a ladder off the dock? I can see some ducking coming my way.

Looks like our UKIP guy Bongo, Bongo escaped to Naples. Our loss is there gain. We’v enough clowns in the chatter house so why not a few eccentrics to perk things up.

Crazy laws in Florida:

It is considered an offence to shower naked.

You are not allowed to break more than three dishes per day, or chip the edges of more than four cups and/or saucers.

Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.

Oral sex is illegal.

All the latest hoohah about Burkas, terrorist suspects escaping in them, has made me change my liberal views. I now support banning the burka and niqab everywhere, perhaps even in muslim bedrooms. Prior to this latest episode I felt we should tolerate it in public but not inside any buildings, e.g. no smoking, no burkas.

But before imposing such a ban I think there’s a money making opportunity. Has anyone noticed the preponderance of colourful hijabs, you know the headscarf thingy worn by the women in the religion of peace. A lot of them also seem to be hiding a ginormous growth on the back of the head – poor things. Allah knows what thats all about. But the point is they’re becoming a fashion statement rather than the boring black.

What about investing in colourful, patterned Niqabs or burkas. What a wonderful business opportunity. Gone are the boring black or blues, hello flowery, psychedelic, brightly coloured patterns and images. I can see a whole range to suit all tastes. There could be the hooker range having a low cut top, fish net stocking and mini-skirts printed on them, all done in the best possible taste. Perhaps even a range with see through panels in selected areas. The site of a naked ankle could drive the bearded ones wild; bare midriffs, are there any navel piercing under there; backless, very tasty. I’m sure Anne Summers and Victorias Secrets would jump at the opportunities. I suppose cartoon characters might me a tad risky. The mind boggles. Anybody want to invest in this short term opportunity.

So please don’t ban it for at least a year to allow my new business to coin it.

Monday – hot and sunny.

Excitement go shopping for an American bank account. Wow what excellent customer service you get.

Then we drive down to Naples. My shopping treat as we go to the Apple store in a very swish mall. New iPad is amazingly light and thin but Wendy resists the temptation.

They probably charge $10 just to go in the stores here. Can we look in the windows for free? No dogs shit, chewing gum, tattoos, earrings, hoodies or scrots around here. Then it’s a caffein fix and some people watching from Starbucks.

Find a cheaper Mall. At least here we can afford to go in the shops and there’s the tempting Cheesecake Factory. The nerd in me gets the better of me as I invest in a Fitbit – sadly it’s not a young 21 year old nympho maniac – but a device for monitoring daily activity and sleep. Very nerdy I know, but boys have to have their toys.

Now I know this is the land of opportunity, but a Spatula Stall. Come on. Who buys these little gems of consumerism on steroids.

Get back home just before the rain comes down. 

Crazy laws in Florida:

A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.

You may not kiss your wife’s breasts

If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.

Penalty for horse theft is death by hanging.

It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.

Thursday – grey and warm.

Meanwhile Wendy’s still “pussyfooting” around, but foot does seem to be getting better slowly. For some excitement cleaned and waxed the right hand side of the caravan. Saving the left hand side to savour on another day.

Risked another bottle of Chinon wine. Confirms my long held belief on French wines. If it’s in a Burgundy bottle then forget it – with the exception of Pinot Noire. Stick to Bordeaux’s they’re so much smoother and don’t wake you up in the middle of the night. 

Friday – hot and sunny. Weather seems to have turned for the better.

Drive up to the market at Thouars. Wander around and admire all those lovely foods but as usual buy nothing. Coffee in a street cafe, people watching, in the sun.

SLK with top down; queen blasting out; wind blowing through my hair – just can’t do a thing with it. This is the life.

Leisurely afternoon in the sun. After 3 years our 6Kg of Butane is empty, time to invest in a refill.

Saturday – hot and sunny.

Stap me vitals. More excitement as I clean the left hand side of caravan. Have to get some tablets to clam me down at this rate.

Lazy day. Donned me best shorts and tatty thongs ready for the Christmas party.

Actually really depressing to think we’re going to a Christmas party in September. The one saving grace is there was no turkey or tinsel. But this is the start of the slippery slope to one foot in the grave. Next stop Wallace Arnold coach tours. Arghhh! Whats a 16 year old mind doing in a 63 year old body, sat at a Christmas party surrounded by coffin dodgers singing jingle bells. Get me out of here. As a token gesture to Christmas spirit I manage a grimace on a photo.

Overall it was a nice gesture. Jacobs join with mulled wine and Christmas pud provided by Jo and Allister. Double helping of Christmas pud. Can we call it that or is it non PC (I hope), perhaps it should be Winter pud.

As for the rat in a handbag – see picture – I’ve reported them to the RSPCA for mental cruelty to animals. How can people be so cruel. The poor thing will need years in therapy to get over it.

Sunday – hot and sunny.

Wax the caravan. Is there no end to the excitement.

Never let it be said that this retirement life is easy. Difficult and momentous decision needed as we leave France. Do I fill the only passenger seat in the car with another 36 bottles of wine or Wendy? Hard choice. But then thoughts of starvation and malnutrition enter into my deliberations. So Wendy it is.

Monday – hot and sunny.

More excitement, clean the car. Car looks stunning when clean, but whose idea was white?

Nearly finished my Climate Change course from Chicago University. Also reading a frightening book on Islam ” The Politically Incorrect Guide to Islam”. Really makes you realise that Islam just seeks World domination. Dress it up however you like and the Dhimmi politicians can pander to them all they want, but there’s only one end game. Wake up, smell the coffee.

Why are designers so incompetent? Do they never bother testing their creations? Have they no common sense? Just a little thought could make life so much easier. Spare tyre hardly fits, a nightmare to get in or out. Yet just 1/2″ shaved off a fancy piece of plastic would solve it. Why is tyre valve underneath? I know so that you have to take the tyre out to check the pressure rather than doing it in situ! Caravans are the absolute pits for common senseless design. I could go on all day.

Tuesday – hot and sunny.

Hate packing up. Wendy’s in full swing spring cleaning mode. I really do think she enjoys it. Best keep out the way. All this cleaning etc makes you wonder whether it’s really worth it.

Despatched to supermarket to buy my wine. Can they be bothered to get me some boxes. What do you think? Show floozie on checkout 1 bottle and explain both in French and with my fingers how many I have. She can see them. Oh no she wants me to take them all out and put them on the conveyor.
“No if you don’t trust me, come around here and check them.” Lengthy phone call to higher authority, ensues.
I’ll be dammed if I’m being treat like a potential thief. I keep thinking I’m a customer customer. Oh well they can put their wine back.
I wouldn’t mind, but apparently they even insist on examining any bags you have. Bear in mind there’s no plastic bags in France so you have to take quite a few bags with you.

Wednesday – hot and sunny.

Up at the crack of sparrows and after the usual faffing around we finally get on the road. 

Breakfast was going to be an egg Macmuffin but being France MacD’s can’t be bothered opening until 09:30 – now there’s a surprise.

As we leave France we get a confirmation of how right my Francophobian rants are. Women cover your eyes. The picture says most of it. Taken in the petrol forecourt / car park of a very busy hypermarket, young kids and women all around. What a lazy pissartist. There’s some excellent clean and free toilets just 25 yards away – perhaps he was afraid they wouldn’t have seats. To add insult to injury his car was parked at the petrol pump whilst he drained the one eyed bed python, doesn’t give a dam about all those queuing. I’m not saying anything about the ethnicity / religion, that was pure chance.

Well it’s goodbye France yet again. 5 very relaxing weeks and good weather.

Now only yesterday I wrote to the Times defending our Border Agency. Today I encounter it.

Drive up to the french border control at Calais, flash our passports. Don’t want to see them. Obviously glad to see the back of us whinging RoastBeefs. Then it’s the UK Border. Oh yes they want to see our passports; spend 3 minutes reading them – you’ll understand why they’re slow readers in a moment; ask to see my face, without my sunglasses – violation of my religious freedom there. But then we get the award winning question.

Now bear in mind my little SLK is clearly a 2 seater. No room behind the seats even for an ounce of heroin or a bottle of wine. So what does Einstein say to Wendy (the passenger)? “How many are there in the car?”. I felt like shouting out us two plus a family of 4 from Sangat down the road – fortunately I managed to exercise restraint. Obviously common sense and intelligence is not one of the key criteria for this job – worrying!

Check in to the Hilton at Folkestone. Lovely hotel and free breakfast. They also get the accolade of the fastest hotel wifi I’ve ever encountered. But, yes there’s always a but. They also get the VICTOR MELDREW 2013 AWARD FOR THE MOST DIABOLICAL WIFI LOGON. Yes’ I know that it’s only September but rest assured no one could beat this for stupidity.

Bear in mind that this place is in the middle of nowhere, so who’s going to pinch their bandwidth anyway. To logon you need to enter the longest password ever – gauzeballjellysandy – you’re welcome to it. You then have to enter an email address (twice to be on the safe side); full name; telephone number; user name which has to be unique, so it takes you ages to get one you’re happy with; the ubiquitous marketing box, untick a “send me crap for evermore”. Fortunately I could flush the toilet, turn on the lights and TV without having to enter a 19 character password. When will these numpties get a life.

Of course I couldn’t resist asking why it was so stupid. Oh it’s the law. What law? He didn’t really know. “The law is the law.” Probably the Digital Economy Act 2010, no doubt another piece of useless legislations, similar to the Data Protection Act, that our clowns in the big house fiddled and debated with whilst the economy went down the tubes. Well hopefully the law can email me “Mr Idont believe” at it181818@btinternet.com, or phone me on 12345678. If they were serious why didn’t they use the room number, at least they could then trace me.

Thursday – sunny.

Up for an early breakfast then do battle with the UK traffic. Again no major hold ups but so stressful. No chance of putting cruise control on and letting the butterflies float around my  head as I hog the middle lane.

What have I learnt during this little break:

1 Climate change is a real threat and caused by us homo sapiens – thanks to Chicago University course.

2 My French is as bad as ever.

3 Never to forget that “France is a lovely country spoilt by the French” – that’s what 5 weeks in France does for you.

4 Islam has only one end game, World Domination. The grand Caliph. They have no intention of integrating or co-existing with other religions / atheists. They offer only three choices; conversion to Islam; dhimmitude and pay jizya, there tax on infidels; or death. The politicians, loony left, liberal do gooders, PC brigade who are foaming at the mouth to have us all converted really need to understand that they are at war with us.

Blog signing off now until 1st of November – yes home for that long. How will I cope and manage my stored up rants.

Saturday – rain, rain but at least its warm.

Must be the first day since we’ve been here when it has seriously rained and kept us hunkered down.

Never mind a great opportunity to poke fun and tweak the censor on the Times who get quite uppity about my comments on the Burka. Well the college in Birmingham who had the guts to ban it and then dimmed out and withdrew their ban. My comments that they objected to were:

Wake up, smell the coffee before it’s too dam late. This religion of peace has only one end game and no wish to integrate. The dhimmi PC and multiculturalists are selling this country and this culture down the drain

I personally find it objectionable that anyone who wants to live and share the benefits of our society should want to wander around like an inverted black bin bag. Have they never heard of “when in Rome”? Do they not realise the antagonism it breads? However in the streets and open places I think it should be allowed, but in doors, just like smoking, it should be banned. As for being allowed to drive whilst looking through a post box slit, well that beggars belief.

Perhaps one day the NatWest and other banks might grow some balls and ban them, just like crash helmets. People should boycott any building or institution that does not have a policy that enforces being able to see a persons face. Or perhaps we should all invest in a bin bag and a pair of scissors and have a National Bin Bag day in protest.

I really have had enough of this multicultural pandering it’s almost enough to make you join the EDL!

Quite reasonable in my opinion. 

More French Arrogance Survival Techniques (FAST) 

HEALTH SERVICE – is rated the best in the world by the WHO. However, during a 2003 heat wave, the French health services failed to prevent the deaths of 16,300 elderly people. But can they really afford it? Employers have to pay social security taxes equal to 48 per cent of each employee’s salary, so they take on fewer people, and France’s unemployment rate has hovered around 10 per cent for a decade. Their country doesn’t work, milks the EU for all it can get and is another Greece in the making. Despite their excessive social infra-structure it’s taken them a thousand years to admit we’re better than them. “The standard of life of the British is higher than that of the French,” said M. le President Nicolas Sarkozy, in his 2006 autobiography.

SMOKING – yes it may well be banned inside but the French just see any ban as an open invitation to flagrantly abuse it. Getting into any building needs a grade 3 biological suite and breathing apparatus to avoid the smog issuing from those white satanic chimneys, hanging from their gobs and billowing enough smoke to hide a battle ship. The women are worse with their hairy armpits and fags hanging from under their moustaches.

LOSERS – They’re aggressive but when it comes to wars fought against France since 1066: 35. We’ve won 23; they’ve won 11. Mutual defeats: 1 (American War of Independence). Rugby matches played by England against France since 1906: 89. We’ve won 47; they’ve won 35. Draws: 7. All useful statistics if in an argument.

Sunday – sun and cloud.

After a day of rain it’s back to normal.

Now I’ve been mocking the Burka and the PC brigade but whilst sat pondering the meaning of life and the meaning of the French sign on the back of the toilet door I had a sudden blinding flash of inspiration. You’re probably aware by now that the majority of caravanners are a sociable lot but there is always a few miserable clods who want to avoid any form of eye contact; can’t say hello; can’t smile; can’t give a friendly acknowledgement. Well the Burka would be ideal for them. Give them a black bin bag with a small slit in for the eyes and they could easily avoid any form of social contact and what’s more the rest of us could instantly recognise them as miserable clods and not waste time on them. Simples.

Dinner is Boeuf Burgenone down in Sangat and a smattering of wine (3 bottles I think) to help wash it all down. A pleasant evening had by all.

More French Arrogance Survival Techniques (FAST) 

LOVE MAKING –  Another area they brag about. Everyone believes they’re great lovers. But when asked about Napoleon’s love-making, French good-time girl Marguerite Josephine Weimer remarked that the Duke of Wellington was “beaucoup le plus fort”.  Their legendary “Va Va Voom” is a lie. They only spend an average 19.2 minutes on foreplay. The British take 22.5 minutes. Today, just 23 per cent of French people are happy with their sex lives compared to 25 per cent of Brits. 23 per cent say they would be “relieved” not to have sex for several months. They make love on average 137 times a year; we only manage 119 times. So next time you indulge just think you’re dong your bit to redress the balance and stuff one to them.

DOGS – they love yappy dogs. More than nine per cent of French dog owners have a poodle. But they won’t clean up after them. French dog owners refuse to pick up the 5,840 tonnes of dog-doo dropped on their streets each year. Visit Thouars, dog shit capital of the Western World, but make sure you have some good climbing boots and crampons on to climb the mountains of dog shit on the streets.

In Egypt Two Coptic Christian government employees have been shot dead for refusing to pay Jizya, the Muslim tax on Christians. Rev. Youannas Shawky, pastor of the Monastery of Our Lady and Saint Ebram in Delga, which was completely destroyed on July 3 by pro-Morsi supporters said the practice of collecting Jizya from Copts started after Morsi’s departure.

He said it continues to be levied on all Copts in the village without exception, pointing out that the value of the tribute and methods of payment vary from one place to another within the village.

The amount varies from 200-500 Egyptian pounds daily, which are exorbitant amounts to many villagers. Shawky estimated 50 families have left the village so far.

Yet another tax that could be coming to a town near you in the UK anytime soon.

Monday – sun and cloud.

The burka lunacy still trundles on back home. Just drives me to despair to read it. What lunacy has befall our green and pleasant land. Thankfully we’re not there most of the time so perhaps I should just stop reading the Times and definitely not read the Daily Mail. Perhaps theres a market for an innocuous newspaper, with no news likely to make blood boil.

More excitement in the afternoon as we drive up to Thouars for the weekly Lidl / Eleclerc jamboree. For me it’s a coffee allonge, some French word tests and a few Sudoku’s.

Fray Bentos Steak & Kidney pie for dinner. Mind you they’re not a patch on what they used to be, all gravy.

More French Arrogance Survival Techniques (FAST) 

TOILETS – where to begin. Well thinking you’re in a 3rd World country is usually a good start. These range from a basic hole in the ground, even in posh Parisian restaurants. To automated loos. Toilet seat theft is endemic across the whole country, don’t expect one. Most toilets smell and are dirty. Many French men still prefer the convenience of a trotter (pavement) to the public WC, I suppose at least they smell better. Don’t expect any privacy. As you splash your clogs, some even allow you to look out the window and any roaming perverts to ogle your crown jewels.

FRENCH WOMEN – there’s a belief that French women don’t get fat. Current diet books claim that French women are thin because they eat only fresh produce, and slowly. However, French obesity rates are exploding and one in four French women is on some kind of mood-altering medication. Of course they’re not hungry – they’re stoned.

After my sarcastic EDL comments to The Times I thought it may be appropriate to investigate said EDL further. Started off listening to one of Pat Condells rants in favour of the EDL. One of my  eroes and a superb ranter, puts old Victor to shame. Had a read of their Mission Statement and nothing there that seemed offensive, in fact all seemed very reasonable. Sadly no mention of the word “peaceful” nor “non-violent”. So lets get a balance view and here the other side of the argument, so watch the results of a Guardian inside investigation of the EDL. They are vile. Just pure vitriol and hatred, fowl language and violence, scrots and mindless football hooligans. Sad that our education system can produce that. Enough to make me join a Muslim march or make a donation to the Taliban preservation society. I want nothing to do with them we can defeat the Islamisation of this country without resorting to that.

Tuesday – cloudy.

Start to clean the caravan for a bit of excitement. Pussy foot is much better but still not up to walks or bike rides. Although I do think the antibiotics are addling her brain as she described me as “capable of using a French washing machine”.

Sorry no pictures again unless I start doing macro shots of pussy foot – disgusting – or soap suds, or before and after caravan cleaning, or perhaps them dam leafs that keep falling on my car and leaving a drown deposit that’s tougher than teflon. Whose idea was it to choose a white car? I don’t notice them cleaning the teflon off.

Looks like the gates are open at Sangat again, as them from there escape for a good bye drink, or two. Another good night and thanks for the can opener, perhaps now we can have a Fray Bentos Steak & Kidney pie without severing arteries trying to open it. Slow cooker is great, her indoors has been mythering about one for years.

More French Arrogance Survival Techniques (FAST) 

 HYGEINE – they get up our noses in more ways than one. Forty per cent of French men, and 25 per cent of women, do not change their underwear daily – and only 47 per cent bathe every day (compared to 70 per cent of the British).zebra crossings.

GRATITUDE – the French word for gratitude is gratitude. Don’t ever expect to hear it used, you more chance of hearing a Taliban thanking the Americans for invading. They were bailed out in two World wars and yet you’ve more chance of seeing them smile than seeing a Union Jack or Stars and Stripes flying. German flags, no problem; EU flag no problem; skull and crossbones who knows. 

WHAT’S TO LIKE – a lot, a lovely country and a lot of historic old buildings. But sadly spoilt by the French.

Well I’m always the first to take a pop at the lunacy of any religion, It offers such fertile opportunities and is an easy target, but I have to say how impressed this new Pope seems. It’s almost a breath of fresh air. Could almost make you believe perhaps there is a god and religion isn’t all bad. Here’s his latest antics 

Francis, in what has become his signature phrase, has declared that he wants a “poor church for the poor”. The first Jesuit Pope has said that it makes him feel bad when he sees clerics driving the latest model car. He recently arrived at a service in Rome in a Ford Fiesta, carrying his ceremonial Mitre head-dress in a canvas bag. This week he was given a 20-year-old Renault 4 with 300,000km on the clock as a new “Popemobile” by a priest who had been moved by his words.

The excitement mounts. All the silver surfers will be out in their droves pacing up and down their caravan pitches waiting for the down load to complete. Hmmm perhaps not, I think they’re all still in bed or munching on their low cholesterol croissants. Yes, it’s iOS7 release day. Well we are in France, not an inverted black bin liner to be seen, so apart from driving around with Rule Brittania blasting from the stereo, this is about as exciting as it gets.

Say final goodbyes to Dot and Barry as they depart for home.

Tuesday – warm, sun and cloud.

Yes, the camp sites vibrant with expectations and excitement at the Apple announcements due for 19:00 this evening. They be dancing on the pitches!

Well perhaps not. Most of them will probably be tucked up in bed with a cup of Horlicks or doing impressions of a hermit – heaven forbid some of these miserable clods should speak or smile, perhaps they’ve caught the French virus.

Sadly Apple launch no new disruptive technology. A bit of a damp squid iPhone 5C and 5S, but under the covers theres some really neat stuff. 64 bit architecture in an iPhone – wow; motion chip could open up a whole new range of exercise / healthcare apps; finger print sensor has the potential to replace all those dam passwords and combined with Passbook could be a low cost alternative to NFC; free IOS7 op system has some clever features, including iBeacon – missed that one, great potential. Will I dash out and buy a 5S. I doubt it. Wait until the iPhone 6. Us nerds have high expectations and have to realise that major new technologies don’t happen every year.

All pupils in French state schools will be reminded this week that they are not allowed to wear items of religious clothing such as headscarves or crucifixes, nor object to the school curriculum on religious grounds, in a 15-point written statement to be displayed on school walls.

The Education Minister, Vincent Peillon, says the charter, which contains no new rules, is simply a restatement of the principle of secularity , or separation between church and state, established in France 108 years ago.

The charter tells pupils they cannot object to parts of the state curriculum — such as the teaching of evolution or the Holocaust — on religious or political grounds. It reminds teachers that they are not allowed to bring their own religious or political beliefs into the classroom.

What a great idea.

French Arrogance Survival Techniques (FAST) – I thought it about time to put together a little billet doux on French life; their arrogance; why us Brits seem to dislike them so intensely; what to expect; and my Victor like views on how to survive in France.

It all starts with one basic precept, that is, “France a lovely country spoilt by the French”.

DON’T EXPECT THEM TO SMILE – most of them have a face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle. They lack humour. Before the Revolution, the French spoke of l’esprit (wit), or la farce (joke) but the word “humour” had no equivalent. Not until 1932 did the French Academy allow l’humour into the language.

THEY’RE WINE SNOBS – they think their wine is heaven sent and the best in the World. They look down on new world wines like a Taliban looking at a Christian. Make sure you have a cork screw because the screw top is seen as the work of the devil. If you should get into an argument with them then just remind them that they don’t make the best wine? Not if you go by the infamous Paris Wine Tasting of 1976, when an English wine merchant organised a “blind” tasting before a jury of French experts. To their horror, they rated Californian wines as winners in both the red and white wine categories. The French press first denied any tasting had happened, then claimed the results were fixed. You can’t trust their wine labels either. In one 2002 case, a Burgundian vintner got jailed for rebottling 4,000 hectolitres of Algerian plonk as a much more expensive Bordeaux.

PERRIER AND BOTTLED WATER – Beware they bottle bath-water  [don’t forget they don’t bathe that often) and call it Perrier.

Wednesday – warm and sunny.

Another day in as Wendy rests the ballon on the end of her leg.

In the evening we pop down – well drive down in the SLK to save the ballon from bursting – to the Georgies in Sangat (Barry and Dot) for drinks. A lovely boozy evening and then I have to drive 100 yards back across the camp site at under 10 KPH.

More French Arrogance Survival Techniques (FAST)

HANDBAGS AND BERETS – their “men” wander around in berets and carry handbags.

FROGS LEGS, SNAILS, HORSE MEAT AND VEAL – yes they consider frogs legs a delicacy, god knows what they do with the rest – just tastes like chicken. Snails also. You don’t have to buy cheap beef burgers to eat horse meat, it’s on sale every where and if you can’t afford a racing thorough bred steak then you can always make do with a Donkey sausage. Beware of Lyon, supposed gastronomic centre, of the French universe. They love their veal down there, so much so that every part of a veals body, even down to the tendons or cheeks, are dolloped on a a plate, smothered in a cholesterol special sauce and called “Haute Cuisine” – roughly translated as “go home hungry”. The French shoot, poison, trap, crush, stuff and then eat almost anything smaller than themselves. Box-nets are laid down across the Aquitaine countryside to trap skylarks, while Languedoc hunters blast turtledoves out of the sky.

LANGUAGE – they really can’t get over the fact that French is not the International language and worse still that English is. Wherever possible just remind them and gloat on it. They even steal from us the words they lack Le weekend, Le Camping and cul de sac. And if you really want to tweak their moustaches – most of the women have one – then use the word Parking. Guaranteed to get them madder than a Muslim viewing a cartoon. Try to use your hands – you’ll find that you’ll be using a lot of hand gesturing to explain things. That’s normal and it makes everything much clearer. Maybe try to say the key words for something for example :’Where is the shower?’ would be ‘Shower?’ and maybe even act out showering if you want! 

There is an oft heard argument that you should try a few words as they really appreciate it and consider it rude if you don’t. Absolute bollox. What they appreciate about it is be able to snigger or even openly have a good laugh at your pathetic pronunciation. Never apologise for lack of language skills, they are the Worlds worst. Obvious if you think about it, if they were any good they’d speak English. Quite often they do speak English but just like their old joy at burning cats alive, they just love to torture tourists and watch them sweat and flounder. Even if you speak French, never, never argue with them in their poncie language, use English, use obscure words, use it loudly but calmly and use plenty of hand gesture. If all else fails give them the Agincourt salute (V).

Critics have accused Western leaders of being more concerned with appearing tolerant than confronting the threat posed by radical Islam. This is because while the vast majority of the world’s Muslims are not terrorists, the vast majority of the world’s terrorists are Muslims.

Thursday – warm, sun and cloud.

Wendy’s still worried about her foot. After 4 days of antibiotics it seems to be only marginally better so its off to the local sawbones.

Finally find one of the 3 open. Shuffle into the waiting room and everyone says Bonjour – is this some sort of near death experience the French have, suddenly get sociable because they’re all sat there thinking they’re going to die. Bloody hell they’ll be smiling next. Where’s the receptionist wanting to know all the gory details and ensure that everyone else there knows what’s up wi yer? Don’t have one. So we all sit there staring at the carpet on the ceiling and wondering what’s up wi one another. 

About every 15 minutes doctor opens his door, ejects one patient and absorbs another. A good old fashioned system . No receptionist; no records clerk; no practice manager; no practice nurse; no appointment; no delayed appointment. An hour later we’re invited into his lounge come surgery. 

I explain and use an iPhone translation of Wendy’s medical history. He doesn’t speak a word of English and puts me through the wringer with his French. No slow and simple. Doesn’t sound a bit like Teach Yourself French. New prescription, stop taking those antibiotics, have these and some cream. And no he doesn’t want to lance it. Keep your foot above your head – I think.

Then he has a real epiphany, in just 15 seconds he’s speaking in tongues and has  miraculously learnt English, as he tells us all about his pending trip to Australia. Don’t you just love the French!

More French Arrogance Survival Techniques (FAST)

FILMS – They claim their films are the best we’ve ever had Well I suppose Emmannuelle wasn’t bad.

PARIS & PARISAINS – Whilst the French may hate the Brits with a vengeance, the good news is they seem to hate Parisians even more. Parisians take all the disagreeable French attributes and elevate them to an art form. Parisians  have built a well deserved reputation for being a rude and pushy people, second only to New Yorkers. However, a Parisian on summer vacations can make a New Yorker seem like a Quaker at a Buddhist retreat by comparison. No Parisian will ever turn up at a restaurant before 8pm so it pays to eat early. Go to Paris for the summer holidays as it is an even more wonderful city when the Parisians are not there.

Now, bad manners and aggressive behavior top the list of causes of stress for the French, even higher than unemployment or the debt crisis, says pollster IPSOS. A total of 60 percent cited rudeness as their number one source of stress in a survey last year on social trends.

RESTAURANTS – before entering the restaurant, check the menu in the window. If it’s laminated, typed and translated into several languages, it’s clear they’re catering for the tourist with zero culinary curiosity. Move on. Look for a smaller restaurant with a handwritten menu on a blackboard – chances are the menu is changed regularly. Too much choice is always suspicious (expect frozen food heated in a microwave). Long, fancy names suggest the chef is making an effort. Never assume the restaurant personnel will be amicable. A disdainful look, snarl or grimace on entering is a safe start. This will give you time to measure up the situation. A bit like two dogs meeting. First there’s the growl, followed by a hair bristle, ending up with a bottom sniff and a tail wag. Same goes for the French, who like to know who they’re dealing with. Madame does not have to feel the feminist movement is being insulted if Monsieur opens the door and pulls the chair out for her. Old-fashioned gallantry and women’s lib cohabitate well in France. The rule of thumb is that the fairer sex is seated facing out, over the restaurant – they obviously recognise the innate nosiness of women.
It’s tricky choosing from a menu if you don’t understand a word and you don’t want to let on you’re a foreigner. The safest option, if proposed, is “le plat du jour”. As its name suggests, this will be meat or fish freshly bought on the day and cooked according to the chef’s fancy. Your waiter/waitress will be bending backwards to translate the menu into English, now you’re having a laugh. If all else fails just point out an entrée and a main (always ordered together). The cheese and dessert menu may be back later.
Unless you ask for tap water – une carafe d’eau – you will be given expensive bottled water. Tap water is no longer a health hazard, except in Brittany where the water is pollutedfrom intensive pig farming.
The French like their steak only just dead. Be precise and very firm if you don’t want it walking off your plate – a point. If you want a real laugh ask for a doggy bag. You shouldn’t need to, they’re not big on loaded plates – see definition of Haute Cuisine.

LUNCH – is another sacred institution of idleness. The only places open over lunch time seem to be hairdressers, flower shops and lawn mower shops. Even main supermarkets close and it’s not just for an hour. They seem to need at least 3 hours – 12:00 to 15:00 – the whole of France comes to a grinding halt whilst they stuff themselves. Don’t even bother asking why they can’t stagger their lunch breaks, they will not understand the concept as it would violate their total disregard for customer service. Sunday closing is endemic, they must all spend their days on their knees i church praying for a smile. And for good measure a lot of them close on Monday as well.

More from the religion of peace, love and understanding.

A member of Afghanistan’s parliament has stated that, according to Sharia Law, all who have converted from Islam to Christianity should be executed in order to stop the rapid growth of Christianity among Afghans…both within the country and beyond it.
The Afghani MP, Nazir Ahmad Hanafi, stated in a published report :

Numerous Afghanis have become Christians in India. This is an offence to Islamic Laws and, according to the Quran, they need to be executed.

Friday – grey and warm.

Another lazy day as Wendy rests her balloon.

Barry and Dot are allowed out of Sangat for the evening and come up for bread and cheese. Oh and a little wine.

More French Arrogance Survival Techniques (FAST) 

CHEESE – France has over 300 appellation controlled cheeses and they are superb. DeGaulle once said “how can you be expected to govern a country that has over 300 different cheeses”. Yes they do smell. When you open the fridge door a wonderful aroma invades the room. They’re not as snobbish about cheese as they are about wine but they do have their silly foibles. Always before dessert and never served with crackers. The biggest challenge lies in the cutting. Your education, social and intellectual status will be judged on it. The rule of thumb for this is to cut like a tart, cutting from the middle outwards, so each person gets a bit of creamy centre and crust, be it a square or round cheese.

COFFEE – varies from just drinkable to awful. They don’t do scalding hot, so no point complaining. The standard they dish out is an espresso, a thimble full. They can’t seem to get their heads around a decent cup size. Even if you ask for cafe allonge (watered-down) they just pull their faces and give a gallic shrug of seeming and convenient non-comprehension. Asking for Cafe Americana sends them into a cationic state of xenophobia. Best and cheapest coffee comes from MacDonalds. 

DRIVING – the autoroutes are expensive (Tolls) but worth it as there is no traffic on them. Put on cruise control, turn up Queen and drop off to sleep.  If you see a car coming towards you that is crammed full of people and which has a load tied to the roof of the car that is larger than the car itself, usually under a blue tarpaulin held in place with some old tyres, you should drive your car into the nearest telegraph pole thus sustaining less damage than the inevitable encounter.

Exhaust pipe clogged up. Don’t worry it’s another French feature. All drivers, especially lorry drivers, are exhaust bandits and love to see how far up your exhaust they can get. Be especially beware of all cars with license plates that have department numbers 75, 92, 93 or 94 (Paris) as there is a really good chance that they will try to force you off the road just to release all the aggression that they have built up since their last summer break.

Don’t assume zebra crossings have the same status as in the UK. They’re just another area where they can mow you down.

The most annoying aspect is the scooter in France, whose drivers usually take advantage of their ability to go anywhere. You may have to dodge them on sidewalks, they often head the wrong way down streets and, besides all that, they are as obnoxiously noisy as a centurion tank with a broken exhaust. Since fuel is pricey in France, they are everywhere. They park wherever they want. Speaking of which, the French will park anywhere they find a hole that will (or might) fit, even if it means the sidewalk, double parking, blocking traffic, blocking the handicapped ramps on the sidewalks, tapping the bumpers of a few cars to park, and so on. The ultimate disregard is evidenced when you see them parked lengthways on a zebra crossing.

Conservative MPs Philip Hollobone has introduced a private members bill to ban the burkha, the Face Coverings (Prohibition) bill. The bill states that:
A person wearing a garment or other object intended by the wearer as its primary purpose to obscure the face in a public place shall be guilty of an offence.

Where members of the public are licensed to access private premises for the purposes of the giving or receiving of goods or services, it shall not be an offence for the owner…to request that a person wearing a garment or other object intended to obscure the face remove such garment or object; or to require that a person refusing a request…leave the premises.

As always there is no prospect of a generally unsupported private members bill becoming law, but it affords several opportunities to get ideas publicised and debated.

Whilst I personally, for some obscure illogical reason, detest the burka I do not think it should be banned in public. As a free and tolerant society we should allow any crackpot to wear their religious garbs. However, in doors, in banks, in schools etc then it should be banned.

Friday – hot and sunny.

Lazy morning. Drive over to Thouars for Lidl and Eleclerc experience. Oh the excitement.

Now I’ve got a theory. Well actually I’ve got a lot of theories but for now we’ll stick to this one.

Muslim Desensitisation Theory – you know how the Muslim always seem to throw their toys out the pram, kick off, riot, burn and kill if anyone says anything to offend their insecure religion of peace; draws a few cartoons; make a film or anything else. Well I believe we should desensitise them to it by repeated exposure to these petty irritants. In psychology, desensitization is defined as the diminished emotional responsiveness to a negative or aversive stimulus after repeated exposure to it. At the same time we should be standing up for Free Speech and fighting this PC / Muslim trend towards blasphemy laws. 

Lets face it Christians and other religions don’t get uptight. When Monty Python did the Holy Grail and other sketches they didn’t kick off. It seems that their god and belief is secure enough and has broad enough shoulders to just ignore it. 

So here’s what we need to be doing for ALL religions, not just Muslims, and don’t forget the agnos and atheists – they’ll just love it. None of this should promote hatred or violence.

1 All daily papers to have a religious cartoon every day. There’s plenty of scope.

2 For those papers that already have a cartoon strip then they should start a religious one.

3 Oscars to add a nomination for best religious send up film.

4 UN to sponsor a competition for the most irreligious film of the year with a hefty prize for 1st, 2nd and 3rd place.

5 Public broadcasting services to be mandated to carry some “desensitising” material for at least 30 minutes a week.

6 Monty python team to be resurrected to produce to make three films “The Life of a Taliban”, “Monty Python and the Noisy Minaret” and ” The Meaning of the Koran”. Can you imagine re-running these during various religious festivals just like the re-runs we get over Xmas of Monty Python.

7 Netflix, Sky and others to have a Religious Film channel especially for Golden Oldies that have caused silly dissent in the past.

8 Introduce a weekly comic with an anti-rligious hero (DarcAngel) who defeats blasphemy laws, religious hatred, extremism and violence.

9 Salman Rushdie to head up a group of authors to promote books aimed at desensitisation.

I’ll keep taking the medication.

It is a deep irony that France, the country lampooned by Americans as the “cheese-eating surrender monkeys” in 2003 for refusing to go to war with Iraq, is now the one standing shoulder to shoulder with the United States.

Saturday – rained overnight, grey day.

Set off on a bike ride but Wendy had a sore foot and she claims she felt 3 drops of rain. Abandoned. Visit the Boulangere for some bread instead. Bread and cheese for dinner. Yipee!

The French have taken their own precautions against Al Qaeda. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house.

Why wouldn’t the Statue of Liberty work in France? Because she has only one arm raised.

Rules are there to be broken
While the French want a big state to take care of them, they don’t like to abide by its rules. It’s difficult to write about France without including some clichés, so it’s quote time again:
In England, everything is permitted, except what’s prohibited.
In Germany, everything is prohibited, except what’s permitted.
In France, everything is permitted, even what’s prohibited.
In the USSR, everything is prohibited, even what’s permitted.

Q. How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. It doesn’t matter; if you’re depending on the French to do the job, it’s screwed anyway.

Sunday – warm and sunny.

Lazy day. Wendy has swollen foot but no pain.

Barry and Dot and cat on a lead arrive, but they’re keeping the riff raff down the other end of the site.

Wendy’s ankle gets more swollen. Decide to go to A&E.

French A&E experience:

1 No one speaks English. Now there’s a surprise. But as I point out to Wendy we are in France.

2 Seen straight away. Taken into examining room. Flash my E111 card, fill in all our details.

3 I explain the problem and answer the nurses questions. Explaining is relatively easy but understanding them is the usual English ears don’t ear French trauma.

4 Doc zips in. Has a look and issues a prescription. Uses a nifty app on his iPhone to speak into and it produces an English translation. 

5 That’s it, back on the road in 45 minutes. Can you imagine that on a Sunday evening in Blackburn. Have to say the place looked a bit run down but couldn’t fault it.

6 Drive to next small town to get to the only open pharmacy. Can’t believe it will be open but after ringing the bell they open up.

7 Wendy starts taking the suppositories for piles. Yes, my French was that good. Only joking she got some antibiotics for an infected foot.

In honour of the excellent service received in casualty there will be no French jokes today. But, don’t think I’ve gone soft on them, normal service will be resumed ASAP.

More PC terminology:

Foreign Food – Replaced by Ethnic Cuisine. The word foreign is generally used when one wishes to refer to something that alien to ones own country — something that is not normally found within the jurisdiction of your own particular political unit. But with the increasing power of multinational organizations (such as the U.N. and large corporations), nothing can be said to be truly ‘foreign’ anymore. In a world where you can find a McDonald’s in Moscow, a Disneyland in Japan, or a single currency throughout Europe, the word ‘Foreign’ is losing its meaning.
The word ‘ethnic’ provides a more accurate way to refer to these cultural traits which are continually growing fainter as we move away from the world of the past, in which different areas of the world were actually unique.

Girlfriend/Wife – Replaced by Unpaid sex worker

Handicapped – Replaced by Physically Challenged, or even worse, handicap able.

Syria – forced conversions out of Maaloula. As of today, the Christian village has now been officially captured by Islamist rebels after government forces have been forced to retreat. Residents are reporting that Christian homes and churches have been attacked by Islamsts, now numbering as many as 1500 in the town of only 3000. Christians have been shot and killed, and others are now being threatened to either convert to Islam, or be beheaded..

As T H Lawrence (of Arabia) once said “So long as the Arabs fight tribe against tribe, so long will they be a little people, a silly people – greedy, barbarous, and cruel…” – so true. 

Monday – warmish but grey, windy and some rain.

Hunker down for the day and get some of the small jobs done. Still not fixed the sliding door Wendy buggered up.

Afternoon and evening turns out quite pleasant.

Barry and Dot come round for drinks on our patio. 3 bottles of wine later – thankfully Wendy wasn’t drinking, she was content with sipping her antibiotics – and some ribald humour we call it a night.

Sandwiches for dinner.

A Bangladesh court has indicted four bloggers for their supposedly inflammatory writings about Islam and the religious character Muhammad.
This will be the first case to be tried under Bangladesh’s recently amended Information and Communication Technology Act, enacted after widespread violent street protests demanding the blood of atheist bloggers. The new law features extreme punishments of up to 14 years in jail.

Bring on Worldwide Desensitisation. 

More PC stuff:

Home-ec (Home Economics) – Replaced by Family and Consumer Sciences, and I’m really not sure why. These classes have been taught in school since the early 1900’s after Ellen Swallow Richards, an old-time feminist and the first woman to graduate from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, formed the American Home Economics Association in 1909. But I suppose that the reason for the change has something to do with the fact that Home-Ec is generally considered a ‘girly’ class, and is therefore sexist.

Housewife – Replaced by Domestic Engineer. This is to remove the necessity of marriage from the task of raising children.

Illegal Aliens – Replaced by Undocumented Immigrants. The phrase ‘Illegal Aliens’ implies that these people are a bunch of law-breaking creatures from outer space, while ‘Undocumented Immigrants’ suggests that they are good old-fashioned immigrants that simply have not gone through the hassle of being ‘documented’ yet.

Janitor – Replaced by Custodial Artist. No matter what you call it, this is a person who is paid to clean up shit.

Tuesday – very hot and sunny.

Up and out early to visit Poitier. Well 10:00 is early to us.

We get that Deja Vue feeling. Yes’ we’ve been there before.Mind you last time it resembled a major building site at least now all the works finished. Thankfully the shoe shop has sold the shoes Wendy tried to buy last time. Only 2 years ago.

Pleasant amble around. Then it’s coffee and people watching by the main church. Nothing funnier than all these doxies in high heels tottering along the cobble stone square. It’s a wonder they don’t keck ore. Mad as a box of frogs – pardon the expression.

Who said it? “….it’s mainstream Britain which needs to integrate more with the British Asian way of life, not the other way around.”

It was none other than David Cameron in the Observer 13 may 2007.  I thought he had more oil int can. But he’s a politician what can you expect.

In case anyone is confused about Muslim Brotherhood’s aims, here it is in its own words:

“The process of settlement is a ‘Civilization-Jihadist Process’ with all the word means. The Ikhwan [Muslim Brotherhood] must understand that their work in America is a kind of grand jihad in eliminating and destroying the Western civilization from within and “sabotaging” its miserable house by their hands and the hands of the believers so that it is eliminated and God’s religion is made victorious over all other religions.”

Why did the French celebrate their World Cup Championship in 2000 so wildly? It was their first time they won anything without the help of the U.S.

What’s the difference between 1943 and 2003? This time around, the Vichy government is telling the German puppets what to do.

Q. Why do the french call their fighter the *Mirage*? A. Because it doesn’t really exist.

Q. Why don’t the French eat M&M candies? A. They’re too hard to peel.

Going to war without the French on your side is like going hunting without an accordion.

Wednesday – too hot and sunny.

Drive over to Montreuil Bellay in the heart of the valley of Kings. Lovely little town with picturesque chateau, but doesn’t seem worth E9 each, so we’ll save our pension until we encounter a more spectacular one. have to get our one dose of French culture each year. Stopped in the villages square for coffee but after waiting 15 minutes to even get served we voted with our feet – just a typical example of crap French service. The waitress had no idea although I suspect she was ignoring us because they didn’t want to have to serve a full meal at 13:45 – nearly time to pack up.

95 F outside and over a 100 in the caravan. Perhaps it’s time to think about a portable air conditioner.

How’s this for crazy:

Plane insane: man wraps himself in a plastic sheet to preserve his purity while flying over a graveyard. Apparently the man is a Kohein, a religious descendant of the priests of ancient Israel, who are banned from flying over cemeteries. In orthodox and Conservative communities, Kohanim, plural of Kohein are expected to abstain from coming in contact with the dead, which includes a prohibition on visiting cemeteries except for the funerals of close relatives.

Members of the Kohein wrap themselves in plastic bags as a compromise measure.

Some flights also go to great lengths to take specific paths to avoid cemeteries. Passengers can also be made aware in advance if a body will be aboard the plane in cargo.
Despite what could be seen as a solution, albeit unusual, flights have been delayed or turned around because they refused to carry the passenger wrapped in a bag out of safety concerns.
Even if they can be secured by a seat belt, the passengers wouldn’t be able to reach an oxygen mask or quickly escape the plane in the event of an emergency.
There is also is the question of how they can breathe. Pre-punched holes in the plastic are said to invalidate the barrier, according to Jewish newspaper YatedNe’eman.

It takes all sorts and its good to have a it of balance and see that it’s not just the religion of peace that has a monopoly on freaky behaviour. Can you imagine having a rational argument with one of these geezers. Perhaps a great subject for a Pat Condell rant or a Dawkins debate.

You really do have to hand it to the French…After all, they won’t fight for it.

Q. How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. All of them: One to screw the bulb in, the rest to brag about how great the French are at screwing.

Why do we need France on our side against Assad? So the French can show them how to surrender.

Thursday – too hot and sunny to even venture out.

Lazy day around the caravan hiding in the shade.

India’s leading Islamic seminary, the Darul Uloom, has issued a fatwa declaring that watching cartoons on television is un-Islamic, and a violation of sharia law.
Senior cleric Mufti Arif Quasmi explained the ruling by saying:

A cartoon is a picture. Besides, it is not for the children. It should not be watched.

Some are not happy with the ruling. All India Shia Muslim Personal Law Board convenor Maulana Yasoob Abbas said the Darul Uloom was misleading Muslims and handing out fatwas on anything and everything, making a mockery of Islam . He said that the Islamic seminary had brought a bad name to it by giving out irresponsible and impracticable fatwas.

He’s not alone in making a mockery of Islam, there’s plenty of competition and it offer a fertile range of opportunities. Perhaps they should have the Muslim Oscars, there could be awards in categories such as “Most ludicrous fatwas”, “Most revolting act of terrorism”, “Cruellest stoning”, “Cruellest punishment doled out”, “Best riot”, “Best punishment for dishonouring the family” and “Best overall attack on other religions”. Prizes could consist of a Golden Stone of the optimum size for the perfect stoning.

Supermarkets. Yes, that’s today chunner and rant. Being somewhat of an aficionado I thought I’d give a few vital tips to surviving the French ones and especially the checkout.

Smell – avoid SuperU and be wary of InterMarche. They both seem to use an exquisite floor cleaner, with a bouquet of raw sewage. specially developed for them by some noseless perfumer. A sure fired way to make you regurgitate your breakfast.

Cheques – avoid any checkout queue that has signs of shopper with cheque books, even if they seem to be writing the cheque already, don’t be fooled. They all seem to be budding Tolstoys and manage to write war and peace on such a small innocuous piece of paper. Sadly they’ve not been banned. It seems that France has only just got around to banning bartering garden produce at the checkout.

Discount vouchers – avoid any queue with shoppers waving these around. They’re 10 times slower than cheques and require the checkout assistant to read the weasel words. And inevitably shoppers will have at least 10 of them, each one needs reading and signing and crossing and filing.

Cleaning – any sign of checkout assistant with duster or spray cleaner is a recipe for an overnight stay as she (yes they’re always she’s) languidly cleans her scanner and conveyor. NO RUSH LOVE. JUST TAKE YOUR TIME. THESE 74 PEOPLE IN THIS QUEUE HAVING NOTHING PRESSING TO DO.

Greetings – don’t expect to be greeted. Certainly no need for extended cheek kissing, mind you would you really want your cheeks scraped with a harsh moustache? At the cheaper ones not even a Bonjour, and certainly no smile. I have to say that Carrefour and occasionally Eleclerc will extend a Bonjour Monsieur et Madame if it’s sunny. Smiling is definitely to be avoided by all concerned – it’s just so un-French.

Packers / carrier bags – now you’re having a laugh. Not a cat in hells chance. They wouldn’t even understand the concept of assisting you with your packing. Having your shopping wheeled out to the car, as in America, you’ve more chance of a Taliban with Marigolds on in a kitchen. Carrier bags banned. So bring your own and just to show how much they think of their “Customer” they’ll probably want to search them.

Lidl – yes they may be cheap but try and and find a checkout assistant. Long queues are mandatory.

Opening times – closed for the sacred lunch of course, no concept of staggered lunch times, except for the Hyper Markets. Sunday opening, forget it, no chance. Country must be full of religious fruitcakes. But given the speed of service in most restaurants you can appreciate why they close for 3 hours for lunch.

Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. “I will give you each one wish, ” says the genie. The American says, “I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in America.” With a blink of the genie’s eye, ‘FOOM’ – the land in America was forever made fertile for farming. The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, “I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country.” Again, with a blink of the Genie’s eye, ‘POOF’ – there was a huge wall around France. The Englishman asks, “I’m very curious. Please tell me more about this wall. The Genie explains, “Well, it’s about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out.” The Englishman says, “Fill it up with water.”