20131105 – Captain Pugwash On The High Seas

Tuesday – hot and windy, with some spots of rain in the afternoon. It’s just like having a warm shower and almost refreshing.

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You know you’ve arrived when the pool guy comes and then your gardener and landscaper. I’m sure you’ll be surprised to learn they were all Mexican, very little English but work hard.

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Thought we’d put some pictures on of the house, DSC02953boat / ship and pool.

Avast you lolloping landlubbers, Maggie Lafayette Pugwash AKA Windy Wendy) goes out for a cruise with Captain Pugwash on HMSS Black Pig. Master Bates, Seamen Staines and Roger the cabin boy were conspicuous by their absence. Instead Joey, 56895829 ladyhysteria our neighbour, pops round to show Captain Pugwash and his deck hand Maggie Lafayette how to launch, navigated and handle our boat, or is it ship? It’s rough and windy. Maggie Lafayette’s sat with her life jacket on. Whining like a stuck starter motor as we head out to open water – Gulf of Mexico. Steering at no wake speeds is not as easy as it look, especially in this wind. Once you notch the speed up to about 20MPH it’s so much easier but then Maggie Lafayette starts squawking. Red, right, return and port to port on approaching another boat, that seems to be about it.

We survive and manage to dock, not that easy, with no incident .

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After lunch we go for a bike ride to explore the island and open our US bank account. Yes we’re now proud owners of a Chase bank account, complete with debit card and all the trimmings. Good service, free drinks and cookies. All very swish. All we need now is our green cards and we’ve cracked it.

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It’s a long ride back and we ride home in the dark. No lights, just like a couple of scrots, so we stick to the pavements.

My Fitbit gizmo clocks up over 5,000 steps. I think the boat / ship trip really confused it with all the bouncing up and down.

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Why do women fake orgasms? So that they can quickly get back to what they were doing.

Wednesday – hot and sunny.

A few more pictures of the view from our back yard and my kayak – yet to try getting in or out without a ducking.

Highlight of the week, Farmers Market in the morning. Fruit and veg are cheap and unlike our visits to French markets we actually buy something.

After lunch Wendy gets her Publix fix and I have a relaxing afternoon around the pool.

A few new high tech medical syndromes, especially suffered by nerds:

Phantom Ringing Syndrome – When your brain punks you into thinking your phone is buzzing in your pocket.

DSC02948Nomophobia – The anxiety that arises from not having access to one’s mobile device. The term “Nomophobia” is an abbreviation of “no-mobile phobia.”

Cybersickness – The disorientation and dizziness some people feel when interacting with certain digital environments.

Facebook Depression – Depression caused by social interactions, or lack thereof, on Facebook.

Internet Addiction Disorder – A constant and unhealthy urge to access the Internet.

Internet Addiction Disorder (sometimes referred to DSC02949 s Problematic Internet Use) – excessive Internet use that interferes with daily life. 

Online Gaming Addictio – An unhealthy need to access online multiplayer games.

Cyberchondria – The tendency to believe you have diseases you read about online.

The Google Effect – The tendency of the human mind to retain less information because it knows that all answers are only a few clicks away.

Thursday – hot and sunny with afternoon clouds.

Anyone know how to get a frog out of a car and stop Wendy having hysterics? She says it’s poisonous 
because it’s got a yellow eye. If it doesn’t go soon it’ll be a dessicated frog in this heat. Don’t even ask why we have one in the car. 

Drive down to old Naples. Finally managed to find the Visitors centre, always well hidden. Although to be fair they were the most welcoming and helpful we’ve ever encountered. They were aghast when we said we were walking 2 miles though the old town to the pier. No don’t do it. It’s too hot. Go in your car. Pointed out that those things on the end of our legs were specially designed for walking.

Old Naples. Well not really that old, as with most “Old Towns”. But very pleasant. More expensive shops than Hijabs in Blackburn market.

Then it’s off to the Apple store, again, to buy 2 Apple TV’s. Ask questions about compatibility in the UK. IMG 1667 oes HDMI eliminate the worry about the PAL / NTSC split? No problem. Voltage? No problem. But then it gets really techy. Netflix doesn’t work in the UK! Finally track down a long haired yeti and his faithful buddy Tonto who seem to know they’re bits from their bytes. After much discussion confirm that it’s exactly the same model as the UK model and if Netflix works on my UK Apple TV then it will work on US one. These two nerds were orgasmic about such a technical question, happier than a nerd with a Raspberry Pi. Saved £34 on each, £65 rather than £99 – usual rip off Britain. 

Fit bit says 12,000 steps, just over 5 miles.

Coming to towns near us if we don’t kick this oppressive, evil religion into touch:

Islamic police in northern Nigeria’s Kano state will begin enforcing Sharia law.Ten thousand officers will be on the streets forcing all citizens, including Christians, to adhere to repressive Islamic legal codes. Law enforcement has orders to arrest anyone wearing indecent dress such as sleeveless T-shirts and shorts that cut off just below the knee. They’ll also be watching the city’s small, motorized rickshaw taxis for men and women traveling together.

Friday – hot and sunny.

Wendy’s not so good. Women’s problems again, UTI. Lazy day in for her. I venture out to take my Fitbit IMG 1665 or a walk. Yes I know walking’s totally un-American. The local police look at you as if you’re a terrorist without his burka coverall. Walk down to the dock, watch the boats. Then to the beach and ogle the eye candy. Looks like I’ve finally found a use for the Burka / Hijab. They could be used to cover up those scary whales in skimpy bikinis that make anyone run for cover.

Amazing isn’t it you’re not allowed to take a martini on the beach – see sign – but automatic weapons are ok. God bless the 2nd. Then it’s a coffee at the Marriot Vacation place – people watching. I’m sure no bar would be complete without a very fat walrus like loud American geezer complete with quiet blond bimbo moll.

Manage to clock up 5 miles. Loose 3 gallon of sweat. Boy is it hot. 

Get back to find a notice on pinned on the door. Apparently a friend of the owners has called around, popped in and wrote a note while Wendy was doing the ironing totally unaware. So much for an open door policy – good job she wasn’t in the shower!

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Life can be so very cruel. You go shopping for a decent beer, a rare commodity over here despite the plethora of choice – what sort of pervert wants a strawberry beer. Get all orgasmic when I see some a pack of Krombacher. A real treat. Then I do that Wendy thing and check the sell by date. Dam me no, they’re all out of date. Madder than a rubber allergic lesbian at the international dildo expo.

New rules – yes just like Bill Maher – I’m adding a new rules / new laws section – ideas for our clowns to implement in the big chatter house.

New rule – change 3rd law of retirement from “No TV during the day” to “No TV before 19:00”. Why? After 2 hours of TV we’ve had enough.

A few non PC muslim jokes. Let’s hope it desensitises them:

I’m not sure who invented the halal meat-slicer but I bet Abu Hamza had a hand in it!

I’ve just seen a Muslim woman breastfeeding her baby. I thought, ‘That can’t be Halal milk, she’s still alive.’ 

The BBC reported that Muslim parents are withdrawing children from music lessons because their beliefs forbid them from learning music. The British government has therefore issued a new list of songs that are acceptable to Muslims:

*Halal (Is It Meat You’re Looking For), by Lionel Richie
*They Tired To Mecca Me Go To Jihad (But I Said No, No, No), by Amy Winehouse
*The Ayatollah of the Tiger, by Survivor
*The Way You Mecca Me Feel, by […]

I want to be more multicultural and give halal meat a try. Does anyone know where I can buy some halal bacon for breakfast?

Just been to my first Muslim birthday party. The musical chairs was a bit slow, but dam me the pass the parcel was quick! 

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