20131101 – Good To Be Back

Friday – rain, must still be in the UK.

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Welcome back, you two. Just a reminder black text is what we’ve been up to; blue text is jokes, sick humour, hopefully all non PC; purple text is my blood boiling rants, always non PC; red text is reserved for those so very special rants and jibes at religion, all religions, all non PC and such a fertile source for ridicule. If you’re offended by my opinions or anything I say, tough, I don’t care. Stop reading, I really don’t seek your approval. Just my way of stopping my blood boiling and standing up for free speech.

Off to Manchester airport to catch Virgin flight to Orlando. Disaster befalls Wendy in the airport lounge, only a quarter bottle of brandy left. I did warn them that Wendy was coming but obviously didn’t realise what a prodigious drinker she was and how many tablets she had to wash down. Rejoice, rejoice they bring out a new bottle after I point out that the other one is now empty. Wendy manages to board the plane unassisted.

Flight was very comfortable. Movies were good. Whitehouse Down was awesome, the new Die Hard. Food was as crap as ever but our M&S buttes saved the day, smart move Wendy. Dolly with the trolley asked how come I’d bought sandwiches. Told her I’d flown Virgin before, she laughed. Whats with the latest in flight fashion? Why are these giant orangutangs, with biceps the size of a hookers thigh, more tattoos than graffiti on a toilet wall, more piercings than holes in a string vest, parading up and down in a dingy white vests. Ah the answers very simple. Free drinks. It’s a wonder they’re not crawling down the isles. I think it’s a scrots road trip. Despite the company on board the nice thing about Virgin is that the dollies with trolleys all smile and have a laugh, unlike most US airlines where they all seem to have been lobotomised.

Usual crap on landing 45 minutes to get through immigration. As always I bite my tongue and say nothing. But sad to see the educational standard requirements for gun toting immigration officials is slipping. They clearly can’t read as all the questions they asked were filled in on my form. Heaven forbid they should smile.

Fiasco with Hertz mobile as I’m directed to the wrong collection point.

Hampton Inn Hotel is very swish and comfortable, just that bit nicer than Choice hotels.

Spend the evening around the pool and fire pit, with two nesh Texas Sheriffs who need the fire pit lighting to keep them warm in the cold 70 F evening. Spend most of the evening chatting with these two and putting the World to right. It turns out they are flying Sheriffs who fly all over the US to pick up badies and bring them back to Texas for incarceration. Get some great tips for our planned Texas trip next year.

Crazy laws in Florida:

Florida (accidentally) banned all computers and smartphones in internet cafes.

It is illegal for a doctor to ask a patient whether they own a gun.

The state constitution allows for freedom of speech, a trial by jury, and pregnant pigs to not be confined in cages.

One may not commit any “unnatural acts” with another person.

Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown. Dam me no, I’m devastated.

Saturday – hot and sunny.

Dust off the mildew and don me shorts. Let the air get to me dangly bits and give the World the benefit of me knees.

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Drive down to Marco Island in full size gas guzzler. Take the scenic cross country route. Certainly get to see the other side of Florida. People sat on their steps reading papers, drinking and smoking god knows what.

Arrive at our home exchange on Marco Island. Wow. Lovely two bedroom home complete with Honda CV SUV, giant TV’s, pool, jacuzzi, own dock, boat, kayaks, push bikes and of course. You name it, it has it and of course it wouldn’t be complete without the giant all American barbie. No aluminium trays here. Our hosts have left the fridge stocked and even a bottle of my  favourite Pinot Noire to welcome us.

Another awesome Home Exchange. People ask us why we do it? Isn’t it risky? My question is why wouldn’t you do it?

After lunch Wendy gets her weekly treat and goes to Publix, her favourite supermarket. Sadly it has no coffee shop, so after selecting the vital supplies like coffee and wine, I drive off to Starbucks. It’s America no one walks.

Marco Island is lovely. Landscaped, pristine, no blades of grass out of place. Fantastic properties. Very expensive. You get a feeling of dollars oozing everywhere. Rolls Royce’s trying to drive up your exhaust pipe – buggers. Even in Starbucks the guy in front of me asks them to put a $100 on his Starbucks card, none of my $10 at a time uploads. And yes there are old people here, but they’re a spritely lot and not a zimmer frame in sight also plenty of younger eye candy to keep the pupils exercised.



Crazy laws in Florida:

Unmarried couples may not commit “lewd acts” and live together in the same residence.


Corrupting the public morals is defined as a nuisance, and is declared a misdemeanor offense.


Doors of all public buildings must open outwards.


It is illegal to sell your children.


Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal. 

Well looks like I’m going to be monitored. Fame at last.

The European Parliament is quietly considering a proposal that calls for the direct surveillance of any EU citizen suspected of being “intolerant.”

Critics say the measure — which seeks to force the national governments of all 28 EU member states to establish “special administrative units” to monitor any individual or group expressing views that the self-appointed guardians of European multiculturalism deem to be “intolerant” — represents an unparalleled threat to free speech in a Europe where citizens are already regularly punished for expressing the “wrong” opinions, especially about Islam.Sunday – very hot and sunny.

Looking on the bright side though it’ll probably increase my readership by 50%. Yet another attack on free speech from the lunies in the EU. Get us out of there.

Sunday – hot and sunny.

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Lazy morning. Take the Hertz mobile back and have a leisurely stroll back to the house. Found 3 blades of grass out of place on the sidewalk (pavement), reported it to the local council. Then it’s a leisurely coffee and read around the pool. 

Plenty of black panther crossings. Apparently there genuinely are black panthers a roaming around. Sadly an endangered species.

Next task is to figure out how to drive this boat. Which side of the road do you drive on? What do the buoys mean? Then the other big question is how to get in the Kayak from a ladder off the dock? I can see some ducking coming my way.

Looks like our UKIP guy Bongo, Bongo escaped to Naples. Our loss is there gain. We’v enough clowns in the chatter house so why not a few eccentrics to perk things up.



Crazy laws in Florida:

It is considered an offence to shower naked.


You are not allowed to break more than three dishes per day, or chip the edges of more than four cups and/or saucers.


Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.


Oral sex is illegal.


All the latest hoohah about Burkas, terrorist suspects escaping in them, has made me change my liberal views. I now support banning the burka and niqab everywhere, perhaps even in muslim bedrooms. Prior to this latest episode I felt we should tolerate it in public but not inside any buildings, e.g. no smoking, no burkas.

But before imposing such a ban I think there’s a money making opportunity. Has anyone noticed the preponderance of colourful hijabs, you know the headscarf thingy worn by the women in the religion of peace. A lot of them also seem to be hiding a ginormous growth on the back of the head – poor things. Allah knows what thats all about. But the point is they’re becoming a fashion statement rather than the boring black.

What about investing in colourful, patterned Niqabs or burkas. What a wonderful business opportunity. Gone are the boring black or blues, hello flowery, psychedelic, brightly coloured patterns and images. I can see a whole range to suit all tastes. There could be the hooker range having a low cut top, fish net stocking and mini-skirts printed on them, all done in the best possible taste. Perhaps even a range with see through panels in selected areas. The site of a naked ankle could drive the bearded ones wild; bare midriffs, are there any navel piercing under there; backless, very tasty. I’m sure Anne Summers and Victorias Secrets would jump at the opportunities. I suppose cartoon characters might me a tad risky. The mind boggles. Anybody want to invest in this short term opportunity.

So please don’t ban it for at least a year to allow my new business to coin it.

Monday – hot and sunny.

Excitement go shopping for an American bank account. Wow what excellent customer service you get.

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Then we drive down to Naples. My shopping treat as we go to the Apple store in a very swish mall. New iPad is amazingly light and thin but Wendy resists the temptation.

They probably charge $10 just to go in the stores here. Can we look in the windows for free? No dogs shit, chewing gum, tattoos, earrings, hoodies or scrots around here. Then it’s a caffein fix and some people watching from Starbucks.

Find a cheaper Mall. At least here we can afford to go in the shops and there’s the tempting Cheesecake Factory. The nerd in me gets the better of me as I invest in a Fitbit – sadly it’s not a young 21 year old nympho maniac – but a device for monitoring daily activity and sleep. Very nerdy I know, but boys have to have their toys.

Now I know this is the land of opportunity, but a Spatula Stall. Come on. Who buys these little gems of consumerism on steroids.

Get back home just before the rain comes down. 


Crazy laws in Florida:

A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.

You may not kiss your wife’s breasts

If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.

Penalty for horse theft is death by hanging.

It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.


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