Tag Archives: Film Festival

20140114 – Let The Skiing Begin

Tuesday – bluebird day.

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That’s it supermarkets, shopping and any other form of domestic servitude is now over with. Let the skiing commence, only 84 days left. Up at the crack of sparrows and on Eagle lift for 09:00. Just 4 minutes walk to the free bus; then 20 minutes on the bus and I’m on the slopes, so why bother with a car.

Great mornings skiing. Fresh snow, blue skies, empty slopes and awesome mountain views. Skis seem to be behaving them selves for now, but just for good measure they go in for an overnight waxing (brazillian) and edging!

Back home for lunch. Then we have a leisurely stroll into town to the Comcast store. A day would be incomplete without Comcast in my life. Have a chat with the granite rock who gives me yet another box and cables. But this time it’s bigger, always better, and silver. And believe it or not it actually works after a high tech online activation.

You’d think by now in life I’d know better. But no I couldn’t resist and watched that blood boiler IMG 2063 Benefits Street” – a bigger health risk than the Daily Mail. It should carry a Government health warning. Fags, iPhones big screen TV’s, top brand goods and plenty of booze. When they whine about getting more or improving their lot it was always about more thieving or better benefits. The concept of getting a job rarely seemed to enter their heads. It really grieves me to say this but after watching that thieving scrot you really do start to wonder whether Sharia law has got it right with chopping hands off. The more humane equivalent might be a metal gauntlet. Will I have the wit to avoid the rest?

Dear M&S

IMG 2072I see you’re having some troubles shifting alcohol and pork through the tills over Christmas, as some of the muslims have kicked off about it and your such a liberal organisation you let them get away with it. Therefore I would like to offer my assistance. 

I seek a job on your shop floor at the Blackburn store. I’m sure with all the muslims floating around there, like Daleks without a proboscis, you need all the help you can get.

I’m not muslim and have no problem with pork or alcohol – well perhaps a few too many red wines after I clock off but that’s another matter. Nor am I a veggie so am ok with meat and vegetables. 
In fact as a Pastafarian my religion positively encourages getting rat arsed – not on the the job of course. However, as a Pastafarian the Flying Spaghetti Monster, all praise be to him, would expect me to follow certain beliefs:

1 I would have to refuse to deal with any customer who did not have an item of pasta in their IMG 2051 hopping. Perhaps we could have a “Pasta” isle where anyone with pasta in their shopping basket can be fast tracked.

2 Every Friday is a holy day and I could not work on those days as we celebrate with beer and pasta and contemplate the beer volcanoes and stripper factories of Flying Spaghetti Monster Heaven – all praise be to him.

3 On our other holy days I would of course need to come to work dressed as a pirate, with a black eye patch of course, but in the interests of hygiene I would leave the parrot at home. It can be a tad inconvenient flicking bird turds off you’re shoulder.

As such an enlightened, do gooder, PC, liberal, multicultural employer I look forward to hearing from your Human Remains Department and can provide a full CV should you so require it.

Yours Sincerely

Wednesday – another bluebird day blue skies, sun and great snow.

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As it’s a bluebird day Wendy’s out their sharpening and waxing her skies in eager anticipation of her debut on the slopes.

Pick up my skis duly go faster waxed and edged. They behave themselves again. Feeling really at home on them.

Lazy start Wendy’s having none of this “09:00 Eagle lift nonsense”. Get on the slopes for 10’ish. A few green runs with Wendy, doesn’t she do well for a pensioner. All her own teeth and attitude too – not sure where she gets the attitude from – but as she says don’t mess with me I’m hormonal.

Then it’s a leisurely coffee break. Followed by a few runs down to Payday for lunch. Being tight Wendy’s made her own butty – comes out a tad squashed after skiing. I get a free coffee. DSC03899Blessed are the poor, or so they say.

After lunch it’s a leisurely stroll around the ski stores – expensive. I invest in a new pair of sticks, to replace my old odd ball mismatches, but having said that I’ve had 20 years out of them so can’t grumble. Remind me not to take Wendy with me when buying ski equipment, she thinks colour rather than performance is important.

Hal comes round and we drain and refill the hot tub and fire it up ready for apre ski on our deck. It’s an American thing / experience. At this rate I’ll be barbecuing next – not a pretty site and probably more chance than a Taliban barbecuing bacon, pork chops and black puddings for his family. There’s a typical grill, a buffalo sized Barbie out there on the deck. No aluminium trays here.

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It’s my first Comcast free day I’m getting withdrawal symptoms. Will the granite boulder miss

Included some pictures of our home for the next 8 months. It’s so comfortable and we feel really at home here. 3 floor living exercises the old calf muscles, as if skiing’s not enough, we’ll have legs like Russian shot putter by the end of August.

More PC enlightened terminology to aid my integration with normal society:

Hamburger – Seared Mutilated Animal Flesh

Handicapped – Differently Abled

Having PMS – cyclically challenged

Hearing Person – temporarily aurally abled

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Homeless – outdoor urban dwellers, residentially flexible, Mortgage-Free Living 

Housebroken – Family Disfunction

Housewife – domestic engineer

Hunter – Animal Assassin, Bambi Butcher, Meat Mercenary

Ignorant – factually unencumbered, knowledge-based non-possessor

Incompetent – Differently Qualified, Specially Skilled, Uniquely Proficient

Thursday – blue skies and sun again. Great snow.

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Boring routine up at 07:00; walk to 08:34 bus; Eagle lift for 09:00; then hit Temptation for the first awesome run of the day; work my way across the mountain; have an extended coffee break talking to Joe and putting the World to rights. Then some more skiing. Is this heaven, bugger 70 virgins, not physically of course, or any of that religious clap trap – one women is more than enough to cope with?

Wendy goes for an interview at the hospital as a volunteer. Yeh, she got the job, right pleased about it, but first she has to go for a drug test to make sure she’s not a junky pensioner. Well just one look at her and you’d think she’s the type – pots for rags.

Well I see the Sundance Film Festival has started, the crazy people and pretty people are out DSC03916and about. Spotted my first two blonds in over sized fur coats and posy boots. At least they had the sense not to be wearing high heals. I’m sure before the fortnight’s over well get the whole works of fur coats; high heals or even pink furry moon boots; permanent botox smiles the size of a crescent moon; teeth so blinding white that you need welding goggles; make up as thick as the base crust on the bottom of a Melton Mowbray pork pie; and duelling silicon implants the size of two water melons attempting to escape their restraints, with chapel hat pegs enhanced no doubt by the cold weather!

Good news is the ski slopes will be quiet as hardly any of them ski – yippee.

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After lunch Hal comes around and gives me a lesson in hot tub maintenance; PH levels; Bromine levels etc. Then we tackle some snow clearing on the deck. Best to leave it to the salt and sun.

Our deck is absolutely awesome. We get the sun from about 13:00; it’s big, being American what can you expect; it has a hot tub; it has views of the mountain tops; and of course has an all American barbie.

Some more health guidance, take it with a pinch of salt. Oh perhaps not salts supposedly bad for, try a pinch of pepper:

Being overweight is unhealthy

The accepted wisdom is that if you have a body mass index (BMI) of between 25 and 30, then you are overweight and this will shorten your life.

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People with a BMI of between 25 and 30 were actually 6 per cent less likely to die than people considered to have a healthy BMI, ie, 18.5 to 25.

First prize for the dumbest muslim terrorists has to go to:

The Birmingham terror group. Wow, these guys are dim. Found guilty in February this year of conspiring to commit acts of terrorism, the three space cadets had managed to raise £12,000 for their planned attacks but then lost £9,000 of it when one of them went to make a cup of tea while betting on online stock exchanges. The leader of the gang – nickname: Chubbs – was reportedly too fat and unfit to undergo proper terror training. They had bought sport ice packs in the hope of using the ammonium nitrate to make bombs, but ammonium nitrate is no longer an ingredient in commercially available ice packs. No money, no training, no nitrate… well done, lads, you’re officially the dumbest Islamists of all.

Friday – another bluebird day 39F.

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Bagels for breakfast. We have an awesome Einsteins bagels store in town. Some of the best bagels ever including Apple and cinnamon, cinnamon raisin, cinnamon sugar and blueberry crumble. Then for the veggies of the world theres a host of bagels just oozing green stuff – not for me.

Bit of a lazy start today as we’re up a tad too late for an 09:00 start. Standards are slipping.

On me ski’s by 10:00. Manage a good two hours. Meet Wendy for lunch and also bump into Hal and Carol for lunch at the corner store.

Now here’s the latest really bad health news:

A couple of glasses of red wine a day are good for you.

The upside of drinking modest amounts of alcohol is that it may protect you against heart disease. The downsides of drinking alcohol are the increased risk of liver disease and cancer. Half a unit (about a quarter of a glass of wine a day) is the optimum amount from a health perspective.

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I suppose you don’t have to believe all the latest research!

Leisurely afternoon. Then in the evening we visit the Ice Castle down at Midway with Hal, Carol and Angela. Amazing and as the light fades the coloured lights really bring out the best in the castle – pictures to follow on the next blog. As it’s the Sundance Film Festival we drive down to Kimble Junction for dinner at the Red Rock and hopefully avoid the “We’re Beautiful And Flaunting It Brigade”. Good food, good company and good beer what more can you ask for. Oh and free beer mats to boot!

Air Infidel  – the only airline that for added comfort has pigskin covered seats regularly greased with pig fat to keep them supple and has pork crackling, black puddings on the menu.