Tag Archives: Sundance

20140122 – Tony cooks a S’mores (more domestic serivitude); Wendy splashes out; how to be a pool guy.

Wednesday – another bluebird day but late afternoon we get to seem the first clouds in 10 days. Then it goes colder that the nipples on witches tit. Flat light on the snow and you don’t see the bumps until they hit you.

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Wendy’s off for her first training sessions a volunteer at the hospital. So it’s a late start all round. 4 hours hard skiing for me, with a break for coffee of course. Then we meet up late afternoon to go coat shopping.

Wendy’s seen this black goose down coat she fancies. I’ve already fell off me perch when I did the first thing any man does and look at the price tag. But she really fancies it so she’s going to try it on unencumbered by 7 layers of ski gear and a liberty bodice. Yes, it fits! Yes, it looks good! We’ve had the “want” and “need” discussion and established there’s a need. She struggles with the price, I’m comatosed. Then it’s a decision. Yes she goes for it out.

Another Netflix evening. Watch the Jack Reacher film and discover we’ve already seen it. An age thing, like the goldfish swimming under the bridge in the bowl and thinking umhh thats a nice bridge, one of the few benefits of age and memory problems. Watched Olympus Has Fallen last night an awesome film, a Die Hard on steroids.

Great news for those of us who avoid vegetables and all this healthy food fad:

Eating “five a day” cuts your risk of cancer

The five-a-day campaign was dreamt up in the fields of California in 1988 and was launched on the back of claims that eating more fruit and vegetables would cut your risk of developing IMG 2182cancer.
This has been studied for over 30 years, but no protective effects have been firmly established.”
That said, eating fruit and vegetables does seem to protect against heart disease and other chronic diseases, and is certainly better than eating junk food.

It’s not just muslims who want to ban freedom of expression:

A comedy show about the Bible, which producers say has been endorsed by hundreds of clergy, has been axed from the Theatre at the Mill in Newtownabbey amid claims it was anti-Christian .The Reduced Shakespeare Company was due to kick off its latest UK tour by presenting The Bible: The Complete Word of God (abridged) at the council-run venue. But earlier this month, calls for the show to be cancelled were made by DUP councillors.

We’re well on the way to loosing any free speech.

Thursday – bluebird day. 

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Wendy’s out early, in her new coat, to go for her 2nd training session. Interesting how many volunteers this profit making hospital consumes. They obviously know a good thing when they see it and utilise the free labour to the maximum. Assumedly by now they’ve found out that Wendy’s not on Blue Crystal Meths despite having watched all of Breaking Bad. 

Two weeks now and not a black bin liner anywhere to be seen. Even rarer than clouds. What a refreshing change. Although I have to say the sight of someone skiing or scum boarding in a black or even blue burkha would be a sight of comic proportions. Similar to the YouTube video of someone eating spaghetti in a burkha.

Late morning and lunch time skiing. Meet Wendy around 14:00 and then it’s off for our Park City Mountain Host volunteer interview. Wendy fancies Plaza meet and greet or Marketing where you go round and do surveys. For me I’m more into the being on the mountain but with us being here late in the season it may not work. They’ll let us know. Let’s hope Wendy gets on as she’ll get a free season pass. Then she’ll be skiing every day!

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In the evening Hal, Carol and of course Angela come round for dinner. That little 4 year old has more imagination than all of Disney combined. Tonight out settee and cushions are no longer a rowing boat to cross the Atlantic in, but has turned into a sleigh. Very pleasant evening, good food, good company and the wine wasn’t too bad. Sadly wine and booze in Mormon country is a tad pricey, that’s if you can find the state liquor stores and find one open – more blue laws in direct violation of the 1st Amendment – I think I’ll complain to that Obama geezer.

A few skier and scum boarder jokes:

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Q: Whats the difference between a snowboarder and a vacuum cleaner?A: One is a noisy scumsucker with a bag of air on it. The other is for cleaning your floor with.
This guy walks into a bar at Mt. Baker and says “Hey, you guys wanna hear a snowboarder joke?”The bartender says, “Well, I’m a snowboarder, the guy on your left is a snowboarder, same with the guy on your right, and a couple of folks behind you as well!”.So he says “Ok, I’ll tell it a little more slowly then”
Q: Why do lifties only get a 1/2 hour lunch break?A: Any longer and they need to be retrained.
Q: What do snowboarders use as birth control.A: Their personalities.
Q: How does a snowboarder introduce themselves?A: “Ohhhh – sorry dude!”

Q. What is the difference between an onion and a snowboard? A. You don’t cry when you cut a snowboard in half!

Friday – another bluebird day.

Lazy start to my day, hit the slopes around 10:00. As I get on the ski bus there’s a family of IMG 2190pretty crazy SFF people. They look at me as if I’m some sort of alien astronaut with all my skis and gear. Than the ultimate, well thought out, ultra intelligent question comes. “Are you going skiing?” It’s oh so tempting to say no I’m going crocodile hunting, but the I suppress my Victor alter ego and answer politely.

Wendy’s staying home deafening the neighbours with the click, click of her needles. I manage 3 hours awesome quiet skiing in – see ski track report. Sneak in 11 awesome runs. These skis are really becoming at one with me and the legs aren’t catching fire as much.

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Then it’s back one for coffee and afterwards we have a pleasant sunny walk into town. It’s funny but down in the town you’re at about 6,700 feet and you sure notice the altitude when walking, feels like lugging a sack of hammers on your back. Yet on the mountain you’re up at 9,500 feet and never feel it the same – thankfully. Meanwhile our bodies must be busier than a cat trying to bury s..t on a marble floor, churning out extra red blood cells. Good news is that alcohol is some much more effective.

Well we’ve been here two weeks now and are really feeling settled in and at home. The stork definitely delivered me to the wrong town. Our home here is so very comfortable, a real home from home. We just love the open plan layout; have more bathrooms than we can use; even have an office; great balconies and deck;kitchen has everything we need; just got to try the jacuzzi out. The bed is that comfortable and has an awesome lightweight goose down continental quilt. You just sink into the bed and are warmer than a pikelet in a toaster. Walking and catching the bus is really no hassle and becomes part of this awesome way of life. Standing waiting for a bus with these awesome surroundings and views is a pleasure. We’re out every day doing some activity and yet at home, this time of year, we just feel caged in and IMG 2208suffer from cabin fever as it’s too dam cold, wet, grey and miserable.

Wendy’s really enjoying her hospital volunteering. And of course I’m really enjoying the skiing and being out and about in those awesome mountains.The really great news is that Wendy’s already talking about finding somewhere for 3 months skiing next year.

Q. What were the snowboarder’s last words? A. DUDE, WATCH THIS!!!

Q. Where does a snowboarder hide his money from his roommates?A. Under the soap dish.

On the first day of her vacation, a woman fell and broke her leg. As the doctor examined her, she moaned, “Why couldn’t this have happened on my last day of skiing?” He looked up. “This IS your last day of skiing.” 

Q. What do snowboarders and a human sperm have in common?A. They both have a one in million chance of becoming a human being.

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A guy finds out he needs a brain transplant. The doctor proceeds to show him various brains. One brain, which belonged to a skier, cost $500, the other, which belonged to a boarder, cost $5000. Perplexed, he asked about the price difference.
The doctor replied “Well, the boarder’s brain has never been used!”

Food for thought:

If Muslims stopped killing other Muslims because they belong to a different sect; stopped forcing their chosen practices on other Muslims; tolerated less pious Muslims;did not feel the need to hang, crucify or stone to death apostates; did not feel enraged if other Muslims did not abstain from alcohol or pork, or did not attend the mosque; did not kill men, women and children because they adhered to other faiths; did not blame rape on the length of a woman’s skirt; did not murder their own wives because they spoke to strangers, or their daughters because they 1622850 10152197113768210 444978736 nflirted with boys or because they were raped by rascals; did not wish to start the World War III because some maverick cartoonist drew blasphemous caricatures; did not use suicide bombers to strike terror into the heart of the unbelievers and then think that these very same jihadist would be rewarded with heaven and 70 virgins; did not issue death fatwas because an author wrote a blasphemous book; or did not aim to spread their religion to the entire world, by the sword if necessary, then fighting Islamophobia would be much easier.

Saturday – yet another gorgeous bluebird day.

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Join Hal and Carol for a mornings skiing. Despite not having had any snow for nearly two weeks it’s still in great shape. Hal manages to put me through my paces, with 2.5 hours none stop action, 3 double blues and even start on a Black Diamonds early. Get the legs on fire. Need to stop being so lazy and put in more turns, these guys put in about 3 times as many turns as I do.

Wowsers, have I cracked it. Forget all your faddy, high priced, boring, eat only veggies, give up living diets Try the TESki diet. It’s simple and great fun. According to my ski tracker a mornings skiing = 1,740 Calories (yes the big C’s). Therefore, by my calculations I can enjoy 3 full bottles of red wine, or 5 bottles of lager, each day, and still be well on my way to a svelte like figure.

Home for lunch and then after lunch we take a walk (I really need the exercise) down to the IMG 2213 anyons to have a look around and look for some new ski pants for me. Sat outside around a roaring log fire in brilliant sunshine drinking coffee. I get the chance to do some cooking, more domestic servitude, as there’s free S’mores on offer. Apparently an all American tradition like pumpkin pie and pot roast. Here’s the recipe, two marshmallows toasted on a skewer, then when they’re melting / black you scrape them off onto chocolate on a Grahams cracker and put a Grahams cracker on top to make a marshmallow and melted chocolate sandwich. Quite tasty and best of all they’re free. Mind you I needed a pint of meths to get the melted marshmallow off me.

Wow we’re really getting into the swing of things as we’ve moved Noddy past Big Ears time to 22:00, although Wendy still manages to nod off even during East Enders – not that surprising as its so dam boring.

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More non PC sayings for everyday use and offence to those open minded liberals and progressives (a liberal gone bad) whose brains seem to have fallen out:

Insane People – Mental Explorers; Selectively Perceptive

Insult – Emotional Rape

Janitor – sanitation engineer

Klutz – kinesthetically challenged

Large Nose – nasally gifted

A court in the Pakistani city of Rawalpindi has sentenced a 70-year-old British man to death after convicting him of blasphemy. Muhammad Asghar was arrested in 2010 after writing letters to various people claiming to be a prophet, reports say. His lawyers argued for leniency, saying IMG 5232he has a history of mental illnessl. Asgharn has been diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic and had treatment at the Royal Victoria Hospital in Edinburgh, but the court did not accept his medical reports from the UK, reports say.

Pakistan’s controversial blasphemy laws carry a potential death sentence for anyone deemed to have insulted Islam.

The blasphemy complaint against Asghar was filed by a tenant in his building, after he was given an eviction notice.

His lawyer told the BBC’s Saba Eitizaz that she was forcibly removed from the case by the judge and that proceedings were carried out behind closed doors.

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Foreign aid to this barbaric 3rd world country that also has a nuclear weapons programme and shelters terrorists should be stopped immediately. Yet the clowns in the UK government are planning to double the amount of aid it provides to Pakistan from £267m in 2012-13 to £446m in 2014-15, making it the largest recipient of UK aid. We spent a total of £9.1Billion of foreign aid in 2012. Money we don’t have. The majority going to governments who despise our way of life; have barbaric practices; murder Christians, people of other religions and atheists; reject democracy; have space programmes; nuclear weapons programmes; sponsor terrorism. Obviously our MP’s brains have dropped out. Someone needs to fumigate the houses of parliament to get the smell of stupid out of the furniture in there. I’m just speechless. We should rise up against these idiots.

Sunday – year another gorgeous bluebird day.

Nominate today a lazy day, a day of rest even. Saturdays and Sundays tend to be busier onIMG 2227 the mountain so if we have one day off then these are ideal candidates. Catch the bus into town to seek out some new ski pants. End up buying matching Karbon jacket and pants. I’ve already passed the need test, as my existing gear is just over 9 years old. Even her indoors has two pairs of ski pants for her one day a week debut, whereas my gear has to be washed and dried overnight else I don’t get to ski.

End of Sundance Film Festival today so we say goodbye to all the pretty crazy people and hopefully the Town gets back to normal.

Bloody deer have been again and pinched all the bird food, time for evasive tactics. Test the hot tub for PH and Bromine levels – apparently it dampens the desire for randy activity in the hot tub! Add  a tailored concoction of chemicals, next stop I’ll be a Nobel chemist brewing a batch of blue meth. Then the deck needs a good sweeping as the gutter men have cleaned out the gutters and deposited the residue on the deck – oh the day to day tasks of your average American.

More Liberal taunting Non PC terms:


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Lazy – motivationally dispossessed; motivationally deficient


Learning Disability – Self-Paced Cognitive Ability


Library – Educational Resource Center


Logger – Wood Weasel; Paper Pirate;Treeslayer


Loser – Second Place; uniquely fortuned individual on an alternative career path


Here we go again kicking off and limiting free speech. I wonder who it can be this time:

And all I said to my wife was: That piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah.

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Maajid Nawaz, a Lib Dem PPC in Hampstead and Kilburn, stands accused of committing the thoroughly heinous crime of causing religiously aggravated butthurt in the first degree, the suggested punishment for which appears to be political career death by change.org petition.

At the heart of this is, yet again, a completely innocuous Jesus & Mo cartoon which Maajid clearly considers to be anything but offensive, hence the tweet.

The webcomic Jesus and Mo is a simple one: the two religious figureheads J Christ and Mohammed share a house and discuss matters of religious philosophy, often in arguments with a wise atheist barmaid at their local.

It is, of course, irreligious and arguably blasphemous. (In its very first edition or episode or whatever you call it, Mo points out that it’s forbidden to depict him pictorially. Jesus asks what he’s doing in a cartoon, reasonably enough, and Mo claims he’s a body double.) It’s also very clever, informed by philosophical and religious argument, and — as mentioned — funny.

20140114 – Let The Skiing Begin

Tuesday – bluebird day.

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That’s it supermarkets, shopping and any other form of domestic servitude is now over with. Let the skiing commence, only 84 days left. Up at the crack of sparrows and on Eagle lift for 09:00. Just 4 minutes walk to the free bus; then 20 minutes on the bus and I’m on the slopes, so why bother with a car.

Great mornings skiing. Fresh snow, blue skies, empty slopes and awesome mountain views. Skis seem to be behaving them selves for now, but just for good measure they go in for an overnight waxing (brazillian) and edging!

Back home for lunch. Then we have a leisurely stroll into town to the Comcast store. A day would be incomplete without Comcast in my life. Have a chat with the granite rock who gives me yet another box and cables. But this time it’s bigger, always better, and silver. And believe it or not it actually works after a high tech online activation.

You’d think by now in life I’d know better. But no I couldn’t resist and watched that blood boiler IMG 2063 Benefits Street” – a bigger health risk than the Daily Mail. It should carry a Government health warning. Fags, iPhones big screen TV’s, top brand goods and plenty of booze. When they whine about getting more or improving their lot it was always about more thieving or better benefits. The concept of getting a job rarely seemed to enter their heads. It really grieves me to say this but after watching that thieving scrot you really do start to wonder whether Sharia law has got it right with chopping hands off. The more humane equivalent might be a metal gauntlet. Will I have the wit to avoid the rest?

Dear M&S

IMG 2072I see you’re having some troubles shifting alcohol and pork through the tills over Christmas, as some of the muslims have kicked off about it and your such a liberal organisation you let them get away with it. Therefore I would like to offer my assistance. 

I seek a job on your shop floor at the Blackburn store. I’m sure with all the muslims floating around there, like Daleks without a proboscis, you need all the help you can get.

I’m not muslim and have no problem with pork or alcohol – well perhaps a few too many red wines after I clock off but that’s another matter. Nor am I a veggie so am ok with meat and vegetables. 
In fact as a Pastafarian my religion positively encourages getting rat arsed – not on the the job of course. However, as a Pastafarian the Flying Spaghetti Monster, all praise be to him, would expect me to follow certain beliefs:

1 I would have to refuse to deal with any customer who did not have an item of pasta in their IMG 2051 hopping. Perhaps we could have a “Pasta” isle where anyone with pasta in their shopping basket can be fast tracked.

2 Every Friday is a holy day and I could not work on those days as we celebrate with beer and pasta and contemplate the beer volcanoes and stripper factories of Flying Spaghetti Monster Heaven – all praise be to him.

3 On our other holy days I would of course need to come to work dressed as a pirate, with a black eye patch of course, but in the interests of hygiene I would leave the parrot at home. It can be a tad inconvenient flicking bird turds off you’re shoulder.

As such an enlightened, do gooder, PC, liberal, multicultural employer I look forward to hearing from your Human Remains Department and can provide a full CV should you so require it.

Yours Sincerely

Wednesday – another bluebird day blue skies, sun and great snow.


As it’s a bluebird day Wendy’s out their sharpening and waxing her skies in eager anticipation of her debut on the slopes.

Pick up my skis duly go faster waxed and edged. They behave themselves again. Feeling really at home on them.

Lazy start Wendy’s having none of this “09:00 Eagle lift nonsense”. Get on the slopes for 10’ish. A few green runs with Wendy, doesn’t she do well for a pensioner. All her own teeth and attitude too – not sure where she gets the attitude from – but as she says don’t mess with me I’m hormonal.

Then it’s a leisurely coffee break. Followed by a few runs down to Payday for lunch. Being tight Wendy’s made her own butty – comes out a tad squashed after skiing. I get a free coffee. DSC03899Blessed are the poor, or so they say.

After lunch it’s a leisurely stroll around the ski stores – expensive. I invest in a new pair of sticks, to replace my old odd ball mismatches, but having said that I’ve had 20 years out of them so can’t grumble. Remind me not to take Wendy with me when buying ski equipment, she thinks colour rather than performance is important.

Hal comes round and we drain and refill the hot tub and fire it up ready for apre ski on our deck. It’s an American thing / experience. At this rate I’ll be barbecuing next – not a pretty site and probably more chance than a Taliban barbecuing bacon, pork chops and black puddings for his family. There’s a typical grill, a buffalo sized Barbie out there on the deck. No aluminium trays here.


It’s my first Comcast free day I’m getting withdrawal symptoms. Will the granite boulder miss

Included some pictures of our home for the next 8 months. It’s so comfortable and we feel really at home here. 3 floor living exercises the old calf muscles, as if skiing’s not enough, we’ll have legs like Russian shot putter by the end of August.

More PC enlightened terminology to aid my integration with normal society:

Hamburger – Seared Mutilated Animal Flesh

Handicapped – Differently Abled

Having PMS – cyclically challenged

Hearing Person – temporarily aurally abled


Homeless – outdoor urban dwellers, residentially flexible, Mortgage-Free Living 

Housebroken – Family Disfunction

Housewife – domestic engineer

Hunter – Animal Assassin, Bambi Butcher, Meat Mercenary

Ignorant – factually unencumbered, knowledge-based non-possessor

Incompetent – Differently Qualified, Specially Skilled, Uniquely Proficient

Thursday – blue skies and sun again. Great snow.


Boring routine up at 07:00; walk to 08:34 bus; Eagle lift for 09:00; then hit Temptation for the first awesome run of the day; work my way across the mountain; have an extended coffee break talking to Joe and putting the World to rights. Then some more skiing. Is this heaven, bugger 70 virgins, not physically of course, or any of that religious clap trap – one women is more than enough to cope with?

Wendy goes for an interview at the hospital as a volunteer. Yeh, she got the job, right pleased about it, but first she has to go for a drug test to make sure she’s not a junky pensioner. Well just one look at her and you’d think she’s the type – pots for rags.

Well I see the Sundance Film Festival has started, the crazy people and pretty people are out DSC03916and about. Spotted my first two blonds in over sized fur coats and posy boots. At least they had the sense not to be wearing high heals. I’m sure before the fortnight’s over well get the whole works of fur coats; high heals or even pink furry moon boots; permanent botox smiles the size of a crescent moon; teeth so blinding white that you need welding goggles; make up as thick as the base crust on the bottom of a Melton Mowbray pork pie; and duelling silicon implants the size of two water melons attempting to escape their restraints, with chapel hat pegs enhanced no doubt by the cold weather!

Good news is the ski slopes will be quiet as hardly any of them ski – yippee.


After lunch Hal comes around and gives me a lesson in hot tub maintenance; PH levels; Bromine levels etc. Then we tackle some snow clearing on the deck. Best to leave it to the salt and sun.

Our deck is absolutely awesome. We get the sun from about 13:00; it’s big, being American what can you expect; it has a hot tub; it has views of the mountain tops; and of course has an all American barbie.

Some more health guidance, take it with a pinch of salt. Oh perhaps not salts supposedly bad for, try a pinch of pepper:

Being overweight is unhealthy

The accepted wisdom is that if you have a body mass index (BMI) of between 25 and 30, then you are overweight and this will shorten your life.

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People with a BMI of between 25 and 30 were actually 6 per cent less likely to die than people considered to have a healthy BMI, ie, 18.5 to 25.

First prize for the dumbest muslim terrorists has to go to:

The Birmingham terror group. Wow, these guys are dim. Found guilty in February this year of conspiring to commit acts of terrorism, the three space cadets had managed to raise £12,000 for their planned attacks but then lost £9,000 of it when one of them went to make a cup of tea while betting on online stock exchanges. The leader of the gang – nickname: Chubbs – was reportedly too fat and unfit to undergo proper terror training. They had bought sport ice packs in the hope of using the ammonium nitrate to make bombs, but ammonium nitrate is no longer an ingredient in commercially available ice packs. No money, no training, no nitrate… well done, lads, you’re officially the dumbest Islamists of all.

Friday – another bluebird day 39F.

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Bagels for breakfast. We have an awesome Einsteins bagels store in town. Some of the best bagels ever including Apple and cinnamon, cinnamon raisin, cinnamon sugar and blueberry crumble. Then for the veggies of the world theres a host of bagels just oozing green stuff – not for me.

Bit of a lazy start today as we’re up a tad too late for an 09:00 start. Standards are slipping.

On me ski’s by 10:00. Manage a good two hours. Meet Wendy for lunch and also bump into Hal and Carol for lunch at the corner store.

Now here’s the latest really bad health news:

A couple of glasses of red wine a day are good for you.

The upside of drinking modest amounts of alcohol is that it may protect you against heart disease. The downsides of drinking alcohol are the increased risk of liver disease and cancer. Half a unit (about a quarter of a glass of wine a day) is the optimum amount from a health perspective.

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I suppose you don’t have to believe all the latest research!

Leisurely afternoon. Then in the evening we visit the Ice Castle down at Midway with Hal, Carol and Angela. Amazing and as the light fades the coloured lights really bring out the best in the castle – pictures to follow on the next blog. As it’s the Sundance Film Festival we drive down to Kimble Junction for dinner at the Red Rock and hopefully avoid the “We’re Beautiful And Flaunting It Brigade”. Good food, good company and good beer what more can you ask for. Oh and free beer mats to boot!

Air Infidel  – the only airline that for added comfort has pigskin covered seats regularly greased with pig fat to keep them supple and has pork crackling, black puddings on the menu.