20180320 – The First Day Of The Rest Of My Life, Without Skiing. How Will I Cope


Tuesday

Wendy at the Christian Centre, with Easter Baskets for the kids.

READER WARNING – this week’s blog is a Special Edition, going to be heavy into ranting about scumboarders. Once I’ve got it out my system normal tedium will be resumed next week. Well at least it’ll give the religion of pieces and permanent offence a rest.

Can’t believe I managed last evening with just one glass of wine. How restrained was that. Thought I’d be downing a bottle of High Wests finest whiskey.

Not too bad a nights sleep. A bit uncomfortable but not painful. Took one of my junky opiate tablets halfway through the night, which did the trick.
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Wendy at Christian Centre with Jean – she’s an absolute hoot. Has the best customer service skills I’ve ever encountered.

The first day of the rest of my life without skiing. I promised Wendy that if I had another trip to the ER room this season I’d give up skiing. Technically I’m ok as my wipeout didn’t need a trip to the ER but just the medical centre. But after 4 accident ridden years, 3 of which were “WRONG PLACE, WRONG TIME”, perhaps it’s time to call it a day and hand my skis and gear into the Christian Centre.

With the threat of giving up skiing for life and even worse not being able to ski with Jasper hanging over me I’ve been ultra cautious. Turns out to be a complete waste of time. Might as well have carried on as normal and ignored the risks.

Anyway enough ultra analysis and feeling sorry for myself. Time to be grateful for all the great skiing I’ve had over the past 54 years and move on. Next big question is what am I going to every winter? Suggestions of coming out here and doing cross country really don’t appeal. The thought of being here, looking up at all those slopes I know so well, and not being able to ski is unbearable – at the moment. So what else:

1 Go to Florida and do some kayaking
2 Serious hiking – could do that in PC.
3 Long cruises, especially South America.
4 Cross country skiing – could do that in PC but I don’t think so, not really that exhilarating.
5 Snowshoeing – could do that in PC.

My alternative to those crazy junky tablets they’ve given me. Very effective.

Off to the hospital for a CT scan. That’s quick and painless, apart from the cost, amazing technology.

Then the rest of the day is a lazy cabin fever day. Better get used to them.

Carol and Angela pop round to commiserate. Hal, my guru, facetime’s me but is lost for words of advice on how to get back on the surfboard of life.

Bob and Marilyn come round for dinner in the evening. Bring an awesome bottle of High West Campfire whiskey for the invalid. Really no need but very, very gratefully received. My High West collection is now complete. After dinner we try a whiskey tasting from the High West range. Marilyn manages to retain her consistent ability to prefer the most expensive. Interesting though I sneak a glass of Glenfinich single malt which she also prefers and is a $40 bottle rather than $100.

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Typical scumboarders picnic or scumboard lesson.

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My last day skiing ever photos. Just to remind what an awesome last day it was.

Q. How do snowboarders introduce themselves?
A. “SORRY DUDE”

Q. What were the snowboarder’s last words?
A. DUDE, WATCH THIS!!!

Q. Why do snowboarders smell?
A. So blind people can hate them too.

Q. Whats the difference between a snowboarder and a vacuum cleaner?
A. One is a noisy scumsucker with a bag of air on it. The other is for cleaning your floor.

Q. How many snowboarders does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. 27. One to do it, eight to say they could do it better, and the rest to sit on the landing

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Sorry, just couldn’t resist at least one religious jibe. Just proves I’ve not gone completely gaga.


Wednesday

Last nights whiskey was so much more effective than them dam junky opiates. Perhaps you should be able to get whiskey or whisky on the NHS instead of traditional addictive pain killers.

Another lazy start to the day. At least I manage to get in the shower. A real work of art and achievement.

Off to see the sawbones in the afternoon.

Last day skiing.

Greeted by Jabba the Hut, the receptionist, well not really greeted, more like a smile hiding a grunted snarl. Asked to fill in yet another two page questionnaire that repeats most of the same questions I’ve filled in over the past few days. Joined up thinking obviously not for this century. I have they never heard of the simplicity of XML data exchange?

Finally get to see the sawbones who brings up my CT scan and shows me the damage. Amazing technology and detail. As well as the main fracture across and down my Tibia there’s bout 4 or 5 minor short fractures that look like tributaries to the Nile Delta. Considering the collision didn’t seem to hurt, it’s amazing how much damage this collision has done.

Anyway he’s consulted with an orthopaedic surgeon specialist and the good news is that they both agree there is no need to be carved up and bolted back together. The bad news is that I need to keep this much desired fashion accessory of a leg brace on for about 4 weeks, no load bearing for 6 weeks. Me senses another 1st class flight home. No exercises I can do to stop the knee tightening up but after 6 weeks need to go and see my physiotherapist.

Amazing even though you’re paying, ($140 with a 30% prompt payment discount) just like in England, you’re still kept waiting. Amazing he doesn’t even look at my leg, but I suppose when you think about it $140 for two expert opinions is not bad. An hour later and not even a mumbled apology.

In the evening Helen and George come round for dinner. A very entertaining evening putting the World to rights.
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The French are at it again. Unrest; strikes; protest marches, all because Macron’s trying to install a sense of economic reality on them. Good luck with that!


Thursday

Last day skiing.

Lazy morning for me while Wendy gets a small weekly shopping fix.

In the afternoon we hobble off to the pub quiz, with the usual gang of geriatrics. Really need some younger blood on our team to deal with the age biased questions. Not a spectacular result but we can always resort to the losers creed “It’s not the winning, it’s the taking part”.

Carol and Angela come round for dinner. It’s been one busy week for us, but these were all pre-planned, before my scumbaorder confrontation.
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Yes, I know that not every snowboarder is a scumboarder, but I’m tarring them all with the same brush. They’ve ruined Wendy’s skiing (2 wipeouts) and mine (2 wipeouts) so I think I’m justified and if you don’t agree or are offended, well tough. I don’t care. I want them all banned. Let’s face it the basic dynamics of scum boarding means they have a complete blind side and are dangerous.

You only have to watch a scumboarder class to realise that they’re trained from day 1 to ignore the common sense that is the skiers code.

1 They never, never look behind the them before setting off.

2 They take a rest spread out across the slopes, usually in a blind spot, so that you don’t see them until the last minute.

These are fundamental scumboarder skills that all instructors impart and should be sacked for.

Scumboarding should be banned. They are incompatible with civilised people. They are dangerous.

One suggestion is to deport all snowboarders to Cuba to live a life of no snow and to let skiers have the mountains back. Cuba is much too good a place to inflict scumboarders on them. Surely we could find some shit hole – I’m sure Donald could come up with a recommendation – little island for them, ideally with snows 365 days a year, but as flat as a pancake. Let them take up cross country shuffling around on their snowboards, with on poles of course.


Friday

Last day skiing.

Another lazy start to the day. A full day of cabin fever. You can tell it’s desperate as I spend time improving my French.

My 3 commandments of retirement don’t make days in very easy:

1 Never Sleep during the day.

2 Never drink during the day.

3 Never watch TV during the day.

But chance to improve my French; research AI; research Quantum computing; research the Bitchain. More importantly think about what I’m going to replace skiing with? What to do next winter?

In the evening we’re off round to Bob and Marilyn’s for dinner. Great Taco soup, and with plenty to spare, I get some to take home. Help fortify the cripple.
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This guy walks into a bar and says “Hey, you guys wanna hear a snowboard joke?” The bartender says, “I’m a snowboarder. The guy on your right is a snowboarder. Same with the guy on your left, and the guy behind you.” So the guy says, “OK. I’ll tell it a little more slowly then…”
 
Q. Three snowboarders are in a car. Who’s driving?
A. The police.

Q. What does a snowboard have in common with a vacuum cleaner?
A.They’re both usually attached to dirtbags.
 
Q. What is the difference between a snowboard instructor and a snowboard student?
A. Three days.
 
Q. What were the snowboarder’s last words?
A. “DUDE, WATCH THIS!!”

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Scumboarder wipes out skiers:


Saturday

Off up to the gun range with Joe. Very disappointed that they don’t have any targets with scumboarders on them. Manage ok on crutches, although give the AR15 we’d planned a miss for now. Probably appropriate considering it was “March For Our Lives” day. Get some good scores with Joes 9mm. Really like that gun, very similar to the Wilson combat – my favourite.

Last day skiing.

Wendy does an extra day’s volunteer at the CC.

Make a serious start on improving my French, sign up for Babbel.

The Wanderlust meeting is cancelled with just 4 hours notice, so I don’t have to do my Death By Powerpoint presentation on Home Exchange.

Wow, for tea just had the best Pastrami on Rye ever. Home made.

Quiet night in and manage to binge out with Victoria season 2 on our free Amazon Prime subscription.

Food for thought.

Which of the following would be the worse that your child could come home and admit to:

They’ve had their ear pierced.
They have a large, highly visible tattoo.
They have a giant hole in their ear lobe.
They have their nose pierced.
They are up the duff or have got someone up the duff.
They are going to join an extreme religious sect.
They want to become a muslim.
They want to change sex.
They are gay.
They’ve become a scumboarder.

For me anything would be better than a scumboarder in the family.
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Says it all.


Sunday

My friend Todd – safety patrol manager – has searched for employees and ski pass holders with the name Corbyn Fraig, Corbin Fraig, Corbyn Fraid or Corbin Fraid and come up with no matches. Looks like the scumboarder gave me a false name – now there’s a surprise. My fault. If I’d had my wits about me – difficult when you’ve just been wiped out – I’d have asked to photograph his ski pass or drivers licence. But then again if he gave a false name he’s hardly likely to let me photo genuine Id.

Last day skiing.

Lazy morning again, fighting cabin fever. Do some French studying – I hate grammar. Need to find some French films, who knows there might even be some good blue ones.

Evening we’re off to the cinema at the local library. Just $7 to see “The Post”. As you walked up to the cinema a blast of pop corn aroma hits you. They’re all there with giant plastic containers, carrier bags, brown bags and buckets of pop corn. Cracking good film all about the Pentagon papers and America’s cover up of the cock up that was Vietnam – so many young live lost due to political incompetence. Wish we had a First Amendment in the UK. Our free speech is in danger from the left wing fascist snowflakes.

What a cultural eye opener an American trip to cinema is. They clap and cheer throughout the film. fortunately there were no baddies so no booing. It’s amazing. No National Anthem though.

George and Helen drop us off at home, they stay for a drink and some political enlightenment. Another awesome evening.
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Difficult this one this week. But lets try and keep a sense of gratitude:

I’m still alive. This fracture is, hopefully, only a temporary disability. Unlike a lot of our friends I’ll still be able and fit enough to ski, should I so desire, or do similar activities. I’m not sat in a wheelchair, drooling and incontinent, in an old folks home. I still have the mind of a 16 year old, even if I’ve forgot a lot of things since I was 16. I’ve had 54 years of awesome skiing.

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4 snowboarders are sitting in a hot tub. All of a sudden, a condom floats to the top of the water. So one of the boarders asks… Who farted??

Q. What’s the difference between a snowboard instructor and God?
A. God doesn’t think he is a snowboard instructor.

Q. What’s the difference between a cactus and a snpwboarders jacket?
A. WITH THE CACTUS… THE PRICK IS ON THE OUTSIDE.

Q. What’s the difference between a snowboarder bum and a pizza pie?
A. THE PIZZA CAN ACTUALLY FEED A FAMILY OF FOUR

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Hmm….


Monday

Christian Centre volunteer.

OK so do I need my extreme weather jacket or my lightweight jacket for skiing today? Silly me, I forgot can’t ski no more.

Another lazy day. For a bit of excitement we have a ride out to Heber to see if they’ve got any cowboy style hats any cheaper than the one I’ve seen on Main Street. Nope. Call in and have a look at wheelchair rentals. Wendy thinks it would be a good idea so that we can get around more rather than dumping me with a bottle of wine and packet of crisps while they all go galavanting. The ignominy of it, being pushed around by your kids.

Call back on main street and get my hat for summer.

Awesome tea tonight with ribs and American baked beans.

Binge out on 4 episodes of Victoria.

OK, I think that’s enough, hopefully I’ve got scumboarders out of my system. But they should still be banned. Back to normal service tedium on the next blog.
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Not so sure this will go down well in down town Blackburn with all the perambulating slitted bin liners, but will be great in summer here in paradise.

Perhaps I’ve been a tad harsh on banning scumboarders. Perhaps we could find a compromise solution. Here goes with a more reasoned set of special rules for scumboarders:

1 All scum boards should be fitted with self destruct device that obliterates the scumboard and blow the goolies off the scumboarder if it exceeds 5MPH.

2 No scumboarder should be allowed on a lift with a skier.

3 No scumboarder should be allowed on a lift until ALL skiers have got on.

4 Any scumboarder found sat in the middle of a run, no matter what the reason, including a fall, should have their board chopped in half on the spot and ski pass confiscated.

5 Any scumboarder setting off without looking behind them or if there is a skier within 400 feet, should have their board chopped in half on the spot and ski pass confiscated.

6 Any scumboarder found more than 2″ in the air, should have their board chopped in half on the spot and ski pass confiscated.

7 Scumboarder passes should be 4 times the price of the corresponding ski pass.

8 Any scumboarder caught skiing within 400 feet of a skier, should have their board chopped in half on the spot and ski pass confiscated.

9 Any scumboarder caught swearing (skiers can swear at scumboarders); spitting; giving cheek or disrespect to a skier; wearing trousers where the waste belt is below their privates or walking like a chimpanzee that’s shit his nappy; scumboarding with a video camera, should have their board chopped in half on the spot and ski pass confiscated.

10 As they like their scum boards so much they should keep their feet locked onto them at all times, even when on the flat or getting on the lift, after all said and done skiers don’t keep unclipping their skis.

20180313 – Shit Happens Suck It Up; But If Scumboarders Were Banned There’d Be Less Shit


Tuesday

My daily commute. Awesome.

I’m leading a ski group. With the snow conditions – a choice of ice or a slush puppy – I’ve about as much enthusiasm as having to attend a rendition of Handel’s Messiah in a dinner suit. Fortunately most of my regulars seem to have the sam enthusiasm, so it’s just Helen and I. A lazy morning followed by much needed coffee

Wendy’s volunteering at the hospital so it’s a lazy afternoon.

A quiet night in for a change so catch up on some HBO. Really is too much to choose from.

Jasper is doing so well on his ski lessons. So looking forward to taking him to the top of the mountain.

 
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Wednesday

Very lazy morning skiing. Late start to allow the snow to warm up from it’s icy state and now it’s like skiing on a slush puppy. Nothing worse than that stop, go feeling as your skis suddenly slow down and nearly end up arse over ski tip. A bit of snow but nothing to get orgasmic about.

Wendy’s at the CC so I toddle off down to the gun club to perforate some more cardboard adorned with the “Weather Channels” image.

Bloody marvellous it manages to rain all afternoon but no snow. Fortunately the rain help hide my tears of frustration that there’s no snow. Dread to think of the carnage to the snow on the mountain.

Quiet night in watching HBO.
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How does a snowboarder introduce himself?
“Ohhhh, sorry dude!”

A  guy finds out he needs a brain transplant. The doctor proceeds to show him various brains. One brain, which belonged to a skier, cost $500. The other, which belonged to a boarder, cost $5,000. Perplexed, he asked about the price difference.
The doctor replied “Well, the boarder’s brain has never been used!”

How do you get a snowboarder off your porch?
Pay for the pizza.

What’s the difference between a snowboarder and a picnic table?
A picnic table can support a family.

What is the difference between an onion and a snowboard?
You don’t cry when you cut a snowboard in half!


Thursday

More scenes from my daily commute.

Yeah, at last it’s snowing. In the past week the US weather wizards have promised much and delivered little. They have all those Petaflops (what a nerd – 10 to 15 instructions per second) of computing power and still can’t get it right.

It snows on and off this morning and the geniuses on the mountain claim we’ve had 4″ in the past 12 hours but 0 in the past 24 hours. Go figure that out. To quote good old Ben Franklin “We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid”.

Wendy’s off to the hairdressers. I get to read Jasper, Kurt and Fiona a bedtime story, then I’m off skiing to see what this new snows like. Mind you looks like a whiteout up there so maybe I’ll just get to feel it as I bounce along.

Well crap a dead cat if it isn’t the worst snow ever in the USA. The new snow been compacted down as an ice like sheen on top of sheet ice from yesterdays rain. It’s awful to ski on. Perhaps it will be better higher up but that would still mean ski down on this frozen shit. One run and I give up. These conditions are a disaster waiting to happen. If I thought this was what skiing was going to be like for ever then I’d be off down to the Christian Centre, like jihadi late for a public square stoning, to donate ALL my ski gear.

Go home in a sulk.

Then it’s the quiz followed by a quiet night in.
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Don’t you just love scrot parents. A mummy scrot and her two little crotch droppings come to the quiz late and immediately start using the kids iPhone to get the answers. Mummy scrot sees no wrong in this and is a tad bemused when I point out the error of her cheating ways. What a lesson to teach your crotch droppings. And when she wins she has not a skerit of shame and brazenly collects their ill gotten gains – it’s like giving a dog a treat after it shits in your slippers.

Bet they were all scumboarders.

Yes, I know it’s only a game but what a life lesson to teach your kids. It’s a quiz, a game, for gods sake, not a tutorial in “how to search the Internet”.


Friday

Well apparently we had 4″ of snow yesterday, 2″ overnight. Tempting, as it’s a blue bird day, but after yesterdays ice rink I think a bit more snow is needed before I want to try it, so I’m off to bowling with the Newcomers.

Hilarious as one of the younger bowlers tries to get 6 geriatric bowlers to bowl league style – alternate between lanes. It’s just mayhem, about as hard as tryin’ to herd chickens, as us old dogs can’t grasp such complex new tricks. In the end she gives up and switches back to “Keep it simple” as we bowl on the same lane.

Followed by a Starbucks and then I’ve been condemned to go to the supermarket. Should have gone skiing.

In the evening we go down to Bronco Bills for a Mexican with Bob and Marilyn. Great food. Best Mexican we’ve had so far this season. Mind you for someone who thinks Taco Bells OK I don’t exactly have a high bar of expectations.
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Meanwhile that bunch of angry molecules bumping around in Westminster continue to sell us down the river. Appeasement never works.


Saturday

Off down to the gun range with Joe. Use his 9mm, very similar to the Wilson combat, good and solid, feels great in the hand and manage to shoot well with it. Best of all it’s only about $700, instead of the $3,600 for the Wilson combat.

Afternoon call in the liquor store while Wendy does a small shop ready for tonights soiree.

Friends and neighbours around for dinner and drinks. Introduce them to some of Utahs finest with High West Whiskey., that they’d never tried. Good food; good company; good wine; good whiskey. Really do think High West Double rye is one of their best and best of all its the cheapest.
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Is Islam a threat to the Jews?

Islam is a threat to Jews, because in all too many Islamic teachings and traditions, Jews are the villains of the piece. The Qur’an depicts the Jews as inveterately evil and bent on destroying the well-being of the Muslims. They are the strongest of all people in enmity toward the Muslims (5:82); being transformed into apes and pigs for breaking the Sabbath (2:63-65; 5:59-60; 7:166); and more. In line with this, Jews are threatened in Europe to an extent they have not been since the days of Hitler. And it’s getting worse by the day.


Sunday

More from my daily commute. What a tough life.

8″ new snow yesterday and 11″ the previous day so todays a great day to ski. Have a leisurely morning’s skiing. Great conditions.

Then in the afternoon it’s a St Patricks Day apres ski party.
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How lucky can you be having to ski every day and cope with this great social life.

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Monday

Little did I know this would be my last daily commute.

Gorgeous Bluebird day with good snow. Decide to have a lazy start, ski on my own day and pass on skiing with Helens group. Then I’m in the single line at Silverload for my first run and who is the exact foursome I get to share a six pack with but Helen. Meant to happen so I ski with Helens group. 2nd run our intrepid leader is taking us down Parleys. Not my cup of tea so I resort to plan A – ski by myself. Helen decides on Jonesys, says she prefer it but I try and dissuade her, please not to change on my behalf.

We all set off down Jonesys. I’m really enjoying a great run, bit of steeper terrain at the top and then the long easy finish. Like a good coffee with a full body bite to start with followed by a long mellow finish.

They should be banned.

So why have I related all this boring detail. Well just to prove that shit happens. Wrong place, wrong time, the story of my skiing these past four years. I’m coming straight down the last stretch and wham a scumboarder hits me from behind. I think I’m going to survive it but no he takes me out. I remember thinking I’ll fall on my left side. Well the rest is just a repeat. Skis don’t come off. Try to get up, but no I’m not going to be able to ski down.

Needless to say I have a few choice words to say to the scumboarder. Why me? Why when there’s a wide open space? Ed was skiing with me at the time and saw him come over the slight brow of the hill and then totally out of control into me.

Yet another sledge ride down to the medical centre. Xray shows a fracture in my Tibula. Despatched home with a brace on, yet another pair of crutches and told don’t put any weight on it. Expert says I need a C.T. scan to determine whether it’s stable enough or will need surgery.

Wrong place, wrong time, again. Absolutely nothing to do with skiing with Helen, or the litany of choices leading up to it. Who knows if I hadn’t skied with her I’d have probably been pushed off the ski lift by some drunken scumboarder.

Irony is I’ve had a real mind game going on getting over previous incidents. What really grates is that it wasn’t my fault or skill. I’ve been so cautious, taken it so easy, but I might as well have just skied Black Diamonds this year. At least if I’d have given the terror of Erika’s Gold a go. I would have had the satisfaction of it being all down to me.

Well that’s it I promised Wendy I’d give up skiing if anything else happened this year. It breaks my heart to give up, but 4 years in a row, I think is trying to tell me something. What makes me even madder is that I won’t get to ski with Jasper. He’s doing so well and after seeing the latest video of his skiing I was so looking forward to skiing with him.

So I need to stop feeling sorry for myself, remember SHIT HAPPENS, SUCK IT UP.

Time for some whiskey. Money can’t buy you happiness but it can buy whiskey and wine which makes you happy

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A WRONG PLACE, WRONG TIME SAGA:

Long ago there was a famous Mistress in Bagdad who sent her slave to market to buy provisions and in a little while the slave came back, white and trembling, and said, ‘Mistress, just now when I was in the marketplace I was jostled by a woman in the crowd and when I turned I saw it was Death that jostled me.  She looked at me and made a threatening gesture,. Now, please Mistress lend me your horse, and I will ride away from this city and avoid my fate.  I will go to Samarra and there Death will not find me’.  The Mistress felt sorry for her favourite slave whom she loved and lent him her horse, and the slave mounted it, and he dug his spurs in its flanks and as fast as the horse could gallop he went.  Then the Mistress went down to the marketplace and she saw me standing in the crowd and she came to me and said, ‘Why did you make a threating gesture to my servant when you saw him this morning?’  ‘That was not a threatening gesture’, I said, ‘it was only a start of surprise.  I was astonished to see him in Bagdad, for I have an appointment with him. Tonight. In Samarra.’