20180320 – The First Day Of The Rest Of My Life, Without Skiing. How Will I Cope


Tuesday

Wendy at the Christian Centre, with Easter Baskets for the kids.

READER WARNING – this week’s blog is a Special Edition, going to be heavy into ranting about scumboarders. Once I’ve got it out my system normal tedium will be resumed next week. Well at least it’ll give the religion of pieces and permanent offence a rest.

Can’t believe I managed last evening with just one glass of wine. How restrained was that. Thought I’d be downing a bottle of High Wests finest whiskey.

Not too bad a nights sleep. A bit uncomfortable but not painful. Took one of my junky opiate tablets halfway through the night, which did the trick.
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Wendy at Christian Centre with Jean – she’s an absolute hoot. Has the best customer service skills I’ve ever encountered.

The first day of the rest of my life without skiing. I promised Wendy that if I had another trip to the ER room this season I’d give up skiing. Technically I’m ok as my wipeout didn’t need a trip to the ER but just the medical centre. But after 4 accident ridden years, 3 of which were “WRONG PLACE, WRONG TIME”, perhaps it’s time to call it a day and hand my skis and gear into the Christian Centre.

With the threat of giving up skiing for life and even worse not being able to ski with Jasper hanging over me I’ve been ultra cautious. Turns out to be a complete waste of time. Might as well have carried on as normal and ignored the risks.

Anyway enough ultra analysis and feeling sorry for myself. Time to be grateful for all the great skiing I’ve had over the past 54 years and move on. Next big question is what am I going to every winter? Suggestions of coming out here and doing cross country really don’t appeal. The thought of being here, looking up at all those slopes I know so well, and not being able to ski is unbearable – at the moment. So what else:

1 Go to Florida and do some kayaking
2 Serious hiking – could do that in PC.
3 Long cruises, especially South America.
4 Cross country skiing – could do that in PC but I don’t think so, not really that exhilarating.
5 Snowshoeing – could do that in PC.

My alternative to those crazy junky tablets they’ve given me. Very effective.

Off to the hospital for a CT scan. That’s quick and painless, apart from the cost, amazing technology.

Then the rest of the day is a lazy cabin fever day. Better get used to them.

Carol and Angela pop round to commiserate. Hal, my guru, facetime’s me but is lost for words of advice on how to get back on the surfboard of life.

Bob and Marilyn come round for dinner in the evening. Bring an awesome bottle of High West Campfire whiskey for the invalid. Really no need but very, very gratefully received. My High West collection is now complete. After dinner we try a whiskey tasting from the High West range. Marilyn manages to retain her consistent ability to prefer the most expensive. Interesting though I sneak a glass of Glenfinich single malt which she also prefers and is a $40 bottle rather than $100.

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Typical scumboarders picnic or scumboard lesson.

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My last day skiing ever photos. Just to remind what an awesome last day it was.

Q. How do snowboarders introduce themselves?
A. “SORRY DUDE”

Q. What were the snowboarder’s last words?
A. DUDE, WATCH THIS!!!

Q. Why do snowboarders smell?
A. So blind people can hate them too.

Q. Whats the difference between a snowboarder and a vacuum cleaner?
A. One is a noisy scumsucker with a bag of air on it. The other is for cleaning your floor.

Q. How many snowboarders does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. 27. One to do it, eight to say they could do it better, and the rest to sit on the landing

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Sorry, just couldn’t resist at least one religious jibe. Just proves I’ve not gone completely gaga.


Wednesday

Last nights whiskey was so much more effective than them dam junky opiates. Perhaps you should be able to get whiskey or whisky on the NHS instead of traditional addictive pain killers.

Another lazy start to the day. At least I manage to get in the shower. A real work of art and achievement.

Off to see the sawbones in the afternoon.

Last day skiing.

Greeted by Jabba the Hut, the receptionist, well not really greeted, more like a smile hiding a grunted snarl. Asked to fill in yet another two page questionnaire that repeats most of the same questions I’ve filled in over the past few days. Joined up thinking obviously not for this century. I have they never heard of the simplicity of XML data exchange?

Finally get to see the sawbones who brings up my CT scan and shows me the damage. Amazing technology and detail. As well as the main fracture across and down my Tibia there’s bout 4 or 5 minor short fractures that look like tributaries to the Nile Delta. Considering the collision didn’t seem to hurt, it’s amazing how much damage this collision has done.

Anyway he’s consulted with an orthopaedic surgeon specialist and the good news is that they both agree there is no need to be carved up and bolted back together. The bad news is that I need to keep this much desired fashion accessory of a leg brace on for about 4 weeks, no load bearing for 6 weeks. Me senses another 1st class flight home. No exercises I can do to stop the knee tightening up but after 6 weeks need to go and see my physiotherapist.

Amazing even though you’re paying, ($140 with a 30% prompt payment discount) just like in England, you’re still kept waiting. Amazing he doesn’t even look at my leg, but I suppose when you think about it $140 for two expert opinions is not bad. An hour later and not even a mumbled apology.

In the evening Helen and George come round for dinner. A very entertaining evening putting the World to rights.
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The French are at it again. Unrest; strikes; protest marches, all because Macron’s trying to install a sense of economic reality on them. Good luck with that!


Thursday

Last day skiing.

Lazy morning for me while Wendy gets a small weekly shopping fix.

In the afternoon we hobble off to the pub quiz, with the usual gang of geriatrics. Really need some younger blood on our team to deal with the age biased questions. Not a spectacular result but we can always resort to the losers creed “It’s not the winning, it’s the taking part”.

Carol and Angela come round for dinner. It’s been one busy week for us, but these were all pre-planned, before my scumbaorder confrontation.
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Yes, I know that not every snowboarder is a scumboarder, but I’m tarring them all with the same brush. They’ve ruined Wendy’s skiing (2 wipeouts) and mine (2 wipeouts) so I think I’m justified and if you don’t agree or are offended, well tough. I don’t care. I want them all banned. Let’s face it the basic dynamics of scum boarding means they have a complete blind side and are dangerous.

You only have to watch a scumboarder class to realise that they’re trained from day 1 to ignore the common sense that is the skiers code.

1 They never, never look behind the them before setting off.

2 They take a rest spread out across the slopes, usually in a blind spot, so that you don’t see them until the last minute.

These are fundamental scumboarder skills that all instructors impart and should be sacked for.

Scumboarding should be banned. They are incompatible with civilised people. They are dangerous.

One suggestion is to deport all snowboarders to Cuba to live a life of no snow and to let skiers have the mountains back. Cuba is much too good a place to inflict scumboarders on them. Surely we could find some shit hole – I’m sure Donald could come up with a recommendation – little island for them, ideally with snows 365 days a year, but as flat as a pancake. Let them take up cross country shuffling around on their snowboards, with on poles of course.


Friday

Last day skiing.

Another lazy start to the day. A full day of cabin fever. You can tell it’s desperate as I spend time improving my French.

My 3 commandments of retirement don’t make days in very easy:

1 Never Sleep during the day.

2 Never drink during the day.

3 Never watch TV during the day.

But chance to improve my French; research AI; research Quantum computing; research the Bitchain. More importantly think about what I’m going to replace skiing with? What to do next winter?

In the evening we’re off round to Bob and Marilyn’s for dinner. Great Taco soup, and with plenty to spare, I get some to take home. Help fortify the cripple.
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This guy walks into a bar and says “Hey, you guys wanna hear a snowboard joke?” The bartender says, “I’m a snowboarder. The guy on your right is a snowboarder. Same with the guy on your left, and the guy behind you.” So the guy says, “OK. I’ll tell it a little more slowly then…”
 
Q. Three snowboarders are in a car. Who’s driving?
A. The police.

Q. What does a snowboard have in common with a vacuum cleaner?
A.They’re both usually attached to dirtbags.
 
Q. What is the difference between a snowboard instructor and a snowboard student?
A. Three days.
 
Q. What were the snowboarder’s last words?
A. “DUDE, WATCH THIS!!”

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Scumboarder wipes out skiers:


Saturday

Off up to the gun range with Joe. Very disappointed that they don’t have any targets with scumboarders on them. Manage ok on crutches, although give the AR15 we’d planned a miss for now. Probably appropriate considering it was “March For Our Lives” day. Get some good scores with Joes 9mm. Really like that gun, very similar to the Wilson combat – my favourite.

Last day skiing.

Wendy does an extra day’s volunteer at the CC.

Make a serious start on improving my French, sign up for Babbel.

The Wanderlust meeting is cancelled with just 4 hours notice, so I don’t have to do my Death By Powerpoint presentation on Home Exchange.

Wow, for tea just had the best Pastrami on Rye ever. Home made.

Quiet night in and manage to binge out with Victoria season 2 on our free Amazon Prime subscription.

Food for thought.

Which of the following would be the worse that your child could come home and admit to:

They’ve had their ear pierced.
They have a large, highly visible tattoo.
They have a giant hole in their ear lobe.
They have their nose pierced.
They are up the duff or have got someone up the duff.
They are going to join an extreme religious sect.
They want to become a muslim.
They want to change sex.
They are gay.
They’ve become a scumboarder.

For me anything would be better than a scumboarder in the family.
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Says it all.


Sunday

My friend Todd – safety patrol manager – has searched for employees and ski pass holders with the name Corbyn Fraig, Corbin Fraig, Corbyn Fraid or Corbin Fraid and come up with no matches. Looks like the scumboarder gave me a false name – now there’s a surprise. My fault. If I’d had my wits about me – difficult when you’ve just been wiped out – I’d have asked to photograph his ski pass or drivers licence. But then again if he gave a false name he’s hardly likely to let me photo genuine Id.

Last day skiing.

Lazy morning again, fighting cabin fever. Do some French studying – I hate grammar. Need to find some French films, who knows there might even be some good blue ones.

Evening we’re off to the cinema at the local library. Just $7 to see “The Post”. As you walked up to the cinema a blast of pop corn aroma hits you. They’re all there with giant plastic containers, carrier bags, brown bags and buckets of pop corn. Cracking good film all about the Pentagon papers and America’s cover up of the cock up that was Vietnam – so many young live lost due to political incompetence. Wish we had a First Amendment in the UK. Our free speech is in danger from the left wing fascist snowflakes.

What a cultural eye opener an American trip to cinema is. They clap and cheer throughout the film. fortunately there were no baddies so no booing. It’s amazing. No National Anthem though.

George and Helen drop us off at home, they stay for a drink and some political enlightenment. Another awesome evening.
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Difficult this one this week. But lets try and keep a sense of gratitude:

I’m still alive. This fracture is, hopefully, only a temporary disability. Unlike a lot of our friends I’ll still be able and fit enough to ski, should I so desire, or do similar activities. I’m not sat in a wheelchair, drooling and incontinent, in an old folks home. I still have the mind of a 16 year old, even if I’ve forgot a lot of things since I was 16. I’ve had 54 years of awesome skiing.

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4 snowboarders are sitting in a hot tub. All of a sudden, a condom floats to the top of the water. So one of the boarders asks… Who farted??

Q. What’s the difference between a snowboard instructor and God?
A. God doesn’t think he is a snowboard instructor.

Q. What’s the difference between a cactus and a snpwboarders jacket?
A. WITH THE CACTUS… THE PRICK IS ON THE OUTSIDE.

Q. What’s the difference between a snowboarder bum and a pizza pie?
A. THE PIZZA CAN ACTUALLY FEED A FAMILY OF FOUR

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Hmm….


Monday

Christian Centre volunteer.

OK so do I need my extreme weather jacket or my lightweight jacket for skiing today? Silly me, I forgot can’t ski no more.

Another lazy day. For a bit of excitement we have a ride out to Heber to see if they’ve got any cowboy style hats any cheaper than the one I’ve seen on Main Street. Nope. Call in and have a look at wheelchair rentals. Wendy thinks it would be a good idea so that we can get around more rather than dumping me with a bottle of wine and packet of crisps while they all go galavanting. The ignominy of it, being pushed around by your kids.

Call back on main street and get my hat for summer.

Awesome tea tonight with ribs and American baked beans.

Binge out on 4 episodes of Victoria.

OK, I think that’s enough, hopefully I’ve got scumboarders out of my system. But they should still be banned. Back to normal service tedium on the next blog.
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Not so sure this will go down well in down town Blackburn with all the perambulating slitted bin liners, but will be great in summer here in paradise.

Perhaps I’ve been a tad harsh on banning scumboarders. Perhaps we could find a compromise solution. Here goes with a more reasoned set of special rules for scumboarders:

1 All scum boards should be fitted with self destruct device that obliterates the scumboard and blow the goolies off the scumboarder if it exceeds 5MPH.

2 No scumboarder should be allowed on a lift with a skier.

3 No scumboarder should be allowed on a lift until ALL skiers have got on.

4 Any scumboarder found sat in the middle of a run, no matter what the reason, including a fall, should have their board chopped in half on the spot and ski pass confiscated.

5 Any scumboarder setting off without looking behind them or if there is a skier within 400 feet, should have their board chopped in half on the spot and ski pass confiscated.

6 Any scumboarder found more than 2″ in the air, should have their board chopped in half on the spot and ski pass confiscated.

7 Scumboarder passes should be 4 times the price of the corresponding ski pass.

8 Any scumboarder caught skiing within 400 feet of a skier, should have their board chopped in half on the spot and ski pass confiscated.

9 Any scumboarder caught swearing (skiers can swear at scumboarders); spitting; giving cheek or disrespect to a skier; wearing trousers where the waste belt is below their privates or walking like a chimpanzee that’s shit his nappy; scumboarding with a video camera, should have their board chopped in half on the spot and ski pass confiscated.

10 As they like their scum boards so much they should keep their feet locked onto them at all times, even when on the flat or getting on the lift, after all said and done skiers don’t keep unclipping their skis.