20140629 – Appointment with fear; July the Fourth Parade

Sunday – hot and sunny.

Lazy morning. Bike ride up to the Silly Market. Well for some of us it was a bike ride, others stopped and rested after 10 minutes. Coffee at the Bridge Cafe.

Carol, Hal and of course Angela came round for dinner. Out on the deck I might add.

Hostess / Meeters and Greeters – for some reason nearly all restaurants / cafes / diners have these hostess / meeter greeters, from here on in they will be called wasters (1)

You arrive. The place is virtually empty and over in the far corner, chatting to her mates about last nights sexual exploits, is the waster. Finally, when a long queue has developed, she saunters over at the speed of an arthritic snail and asks the two of you for “how many”.

If the place is 90% empty she summons a navigator (2), whose sole responsibility seems to be

getting you to your table without getting lost or the need for a GPS system. If the place is over 10% full then tough luck, she puts your name on a waiting list, tells you it’ll be about 30 minutes before a table is ready and she’ll call you or gives you a vibrator – not the sort you’re thinking of. Just a power trip. They tell you it’s so that you’re not kept waiting for a waiter to attend. That’s why, after you’ve sat down, it takes 20 minutes for the waiter – who’s an advance degree in eye contact avoidance – to notice you or even the white table cloth you’ve been waving above your head for the past 10 minutes.

 

The Navigator finally takes you over to the table and tells you the name of the waitress she was chatting to – who will of course be with you shortly. The navigator’s not allowed, intellectually capable or trained to give you a menu, take your drinks order or even pour out water.

The job creation scheme and Ford breakdown of tasks doesn’t stop there. It’s only just begun. You sit down and the water boy (3) comes around and poors you a glass of water. Can he bring you a menu or take a drinks order? Heaven forbid way beyond his pay / intellect grade.

Finally just as you’re ready to up stakes in disgust the waiter (4) deigns to grace you with her presence. Tells you her name and goes away to get menus. By now you’re as thirsty and dry as a dead dingo’s donger. But, no she’ll have to come back for your drinks order, keep it simple. Don’t

confuse her. Don’t upset the order of things.

Waiter finally comes back and takes your drinks order. Drinks takes so long you’re sure she’s pressing the grapes herself. Now she’s ready to take your order, whether you’re ready or not. Woe betide you if you’re not ready, that incurs a 20 minute wait penalty.

Eventually you get fed. At which point you notice you’re the only people in the restaurant with the physical dexterity to use both a knife and fork simultaneously.

 

Waitress usually pops around when you’re on your last mouthful to see if everything is ok, at which point she starts to be nice to you in anticipation of the tip she’s expecting.

When you’ve finished and put your knife and fork together the manager / quality control guy (5) turns up. You can tell he’s a manager as he struts around complete with Brookes Brothers shirt, button down collar and tie, along with a name badge. “How’s the meal?”. When you tell him that you feel the chef either works for the local crematorium in his spare time; may be an eskimo used to freezing his food; or just lacks imagination, this causes him to go into a catatonic state and disappear in a puff of smoke. Confrontation’s way above his pay grade and you’re certainly not meant to raise constructive criticism.

 

Finally the waitress has learned to smile, turns up with your bill and engages you in such inane pleasantries you have a dying urge to stick two fingers down the back of your throat and vomit over the tablecloth.

Just as you leave you realise there’s yet another involved. Yes , its the buzz boy (6) who tidies the table and wipes it with a 10 year old rag that just oozes salmonella. Usually the same cloth that he wiped the sweaty seats with.

Finally you get directed over to the cashier (7), the final player, in this pageant.

7 different people to serve you a meal. Heaven alone knows how many there must be in the kitchen. Surely they could manage without the Meeter and greeter, the navigator, the water boy, the buzz boy, the manager and the cashier. If they doubt it then I can take you to a pleasant, busy restaurant in Serfaus, Austria where just one waitress does the lot, with minimum fuss or delays.

 

Then of course there’s “maximize table utilisation” rules this is a real killer. You arrive the place is full of tables ready set for 4 or more. There all empty, but there are just two tables set for two and they are full. Heaven forbid she should waste a table for 4 on us two, no she puts you on a waiting list, about 30 minutes – followed by a few choice words from me and a swift exit.

In case you think I’ve been a tad sexist in the above – as I’m sure you’ll realise not at all like me – I have never encountered a male waster, they’re all female and usually the best piece of eye candy in the place.

 

Best solution is to ignore them and plonk yourselves down at a table of your choosing. That cause real consternation.

Monday – hotter and sunny.

Took Crescent up to the top (free) and then walked Mid Mountain to Spiro and then down Spiro. Lovely walk nearly all downhill. Made it, even with all the rest stops that Wendy wanted. Actually took 2 hours 40 minutes. Pleasant downhill stroll. The thought of a Stiegl lager at the Silver Star cafe kept me motivated, sadly no longer available – standards are slipping.

Pleasant, but very expensive, lunch / coffee lounging in the Silver Star sofas.

Tuesday – hot and sunny.

Lazy morning.

Wendy managed to break her filling, probably nattering too much.

Took a bike ride down to Kimble junction.

Well that was painless…..visit to the Dentist here in Park City. What an experience just turn up no appointment necessary ….sorted filling done.

In case you think this American job creation scheme is just reserved for restaurants and Henry Fords car plants. Think again. Wendy’s just been for a filling at the dentist here. This involved

nearly as many in a cast of a B grade blue movie. 1 Receptionist to greet us. 2 Man with clip board to get our details and of course a signature on an all American liability waiver. 3 Nurse / technician type guy who checked out tooth and told us the options. 4 An injectioner / number. 5 X Ray girl to take an X ray, immediately available. 6 Dental nurse to usher in the Dentist, no fanfare of trumpets sounded. 7 Then finally the dentist, sorry, “the doctor”. 8 Different receptionist prepared the all important bill, by which time the cost of treatment had fallen from $330 to $125, no complaint from me there. 8 people to do one filling. Tell me that’s no the Ford principle and job creation gone to extremes.

 

European Court of Human Rights rule that Burka ban does not breach human rights. One small step for common sense. At last the European court gets something right. Now all we need is some politicians in the big natter house to grow some gonads and introduce a ban in the UK.

Wednesday – hot and sunny.

Try fitting my emergency bike pump. The plastic, yes bloody plastic, screw shears off in the bike thereby rendering it impossible to fit the pump and refit my water carrier.

Ride down to Walmart, expecting a battle about consequential loss due to their feeble screws. At one stage they’re thinking of giving me a new bike. But no the supervisors hands me over to one

of their sub-contractors – they assemble barbecues and bikes for them – who has all the tools and proceeds to drill out the plastic and rethread the hole. A bit of a botch but all fixed and working. Impressed with their customer service and especially the unstinting help from Brendon.

Hard ride back home so at least I get a 12 mile ride in.

After lunch we’re looking after Angela for a few hours so we take her down to the Farmers market. Mind you she’d prefer to play on the iPad. It’s quite a pathetic market and hardly any farm produce apart from a few withered cherries. Angela spends most of her time on the giant slide and eating an Ice Cone – keeps her happy for ages.

Then can you believe it I break one of my teeth. It’s my turn for an appointment with fear. Is this some sort of conspiracy from PC dentists to drum up trade? Is it the altitude exploding my sea level fillings? Yesterday it was Wendy with a broken tooth, today it’s me. I’m expecting a bulk buying discount.

Same walk in service and multitude. Have my usual discussion about no needle. They’re somewhat put out by this and can’t believe it, but proceed without. No pain. Good job, sorted.

Apparently a black bear has been seen wandering around town. Excitement. I never can remember if you’re best playing dead if you see a black bear or is it with a grizzly. One of them eats carrion, the other prefers fresh meat, so get it wrong and playing dead is a sure fired way to end up real dead.

Apparently the fundamentalist extremists from the so called religion of peace are working on new plastic explosives that cannot be detected so more misery is being inflicted at airports. 

Perhaps at last some vestige of common sense may now prevail and the authorities will profile. You know it makes sense. Just ignore the loony Politically correct brigade.

A good start would be a separate queue and search regime for all muslims or just ban them from flying. Perhaps then the so called middle of the road / good Muslims might start helping with the fight against these pernicious fanatics. Another alternative might be muslim only flights. A tad difficult to implement but we could also allow all the do gooder, loony PC crackpots on with them.

Thursday – hot, sun and cloud.

I’m on duty as a mountain host for the day. Expect it to be busy but turns out pretty slack. Wendy’s up at the hospital doing her Florence Nightingale

stint.

Finally finish Dexter Season 4 – wow didn’t see that coming. Series gets better.

Just watched an awesome programme on the discovery of a particle travelling faster than speed of light. Defies all the theories of physics for the past 100 years. If it’s finally validated, that’ll throw the whole World of Physics into an electron spin. Amazing stuff.

Physics joke:

Barman says sorry we don’t serve neutrinos.
A neutrino walks into the bar.

Meanwhile a few people have told us the “Book of Mormon” musical is great and could win Oscar awards for “Best Blasphemy Show”. Sadly I do have an aversion to musicals. Will enquire if it’s on in salt lake 😎

 

Actually I’m thinking of writing a musical. Can’t decide on the tittle. Choices so far are “Book of Islam”, “Mo does Christians”, “Peace, tolerance and understanding”, “The Hate Show” or “How I hate people of the book”. There’s more scope in this 7th century barbaric religion for a musical comedy, than there are muslims at a stoning. Perhaps we could get the Monty Python Team to do one last movie such as “Monty Python and Muslim Fairy Tales”. Islam needs desensitising and weaning off this blasphemy culture.

Friday – very hot and sunny.

Great day for the 4th July parade. We always enjoy them and PC has quite a big one, lasts over an hour.

Meet some potential home exchangers (Rick and Linda) up on Main Street for the parade.

They’ve got chairs already set up along with a cooler full of drinks and Mimosas (bucks fizz). Great parade with good company and their friends.

How come Americans are so friendly? Why don’t we have any parades like this? I can’t ever recall seeing parade anywhere near as good as this in the UK. What days do we really celebrate? The Americans just love a good parade, St Patricks day; Independence day; Pioneer day; Labour day; Thanksgiving day etc. Whatever happened to our society? I blame multi-culturism, we’ve lost the ability to be patriotic. Has anyone noticed how few Union Jacks (Union Flags for the purists) you see flying. In fact it’s almost got to the point where if you see a Union Jack or the Cross of St George flying you think they’re National front / right wing fanatics. Sad.

Have a wander down to the park where there’s live music, food and drinks. Everyone, families, having a great time.

Then stroll up to PCMR plaza to see what’s going on at the mountain. Not as busy as anticipated.

I think it’s about time the UK had it’s declaration of independence from the EU. Pity we can’t bring back Adams and Jefferson from 1776 to help us escape this toxic bureaucracy.

Saturday – hot and sunny again.

We’re both on duty at PCMR as Mountain Hosts again. Stapled me smile in place. Tape recorder at the ready with “Hows it going?”, “Have a great day.”, “Do you need any help?”, “My accent! Its all the way from England.” and if things get really desperate “No I don’t know your friend who lives somewhere in England, believe it or not over the years we’ve been at it like rabbits over there and there’s over 50 million of us, not to mention the millions of foreign hangers on and scroungers.”.

It was 85F and that was in the shade. Us poor Hosts are out on the plaza wilting.

Seems like at least one muslim inman has some common sense:

Dr Hargey, from the Muslim Educational Centre of Oxford, said however that the British establishment had been hoodwinked by zealots who claimed that the burka was intrinsic to Islam. He writes: “There is no Koranic mandate for female facial masks; it is not culturally common for Pakistani women to conceal their faces; and no one, including women, has an unqualified right to dress as one pleases in public.”

He condemns the veil as an imported Saudi fad that should be rejected for religious, social, sexist, security and health reasons. “This Saudi-financed campaign is just another salvo in the battle for the hearts and minds of British Muslims. If Britain’s liberal and human rights industry fail to recognise this, we will all live to regret it.”

Yes our loony PC do gooders have been fooled and sold us down the caliphate path of islamic domination yet again.