20160607 – Heidelberg

The usual lazy start to the day with breakfast, coffee and newspapers. Our new home for 4 days is a lovely 2 bedroom VRBO. All very comfortable, modern, clean (no ants so far) and well equipped – see pictures.

Then we take a leisurely stroll down the river into Heidelberg. Wander dow the Haupstrasse to the main square with the obligatory Rathaus and church. Stop to rest our weary legs, having strolled all of a mile, for an all important coffee. Place is teaming with Japanese cameras strung around Japanese, or could be Chinese, necks. A more disconcerting trend these days is for those vanity sticks – the selfie stick. You have to be under 30 to buy one, but it seems the whole of the younger generation is inflicted with a dweebie narcissistic complex. Bad enough they wander around talking into their Smartarse phones but now they’re walking around video their every movement. By the end of the day they must spend hours sorting through their “treasured” moments. I wonder how they cope with going to the toilet? Can they bear to miss recording those few precious moments?

Continue our stroll down the high street to the new town. Wendy’s on a mission to get a small rucksack to replace the need to carry one of the 401 handbags she has. We visit every handbag and out door shop in town. Some of them twice over for good measure. Finally find a black leather one that can just about cope with carrying an iPhone and one credit card. Fortunately there is a defibrillator in store to help my credit card and me recover.

Then we stroll back down the main street to make sure we’ve not missed any shops. Have to liven our pace to get to the Lowenbrau pub as a thunder storm passes. Not quite up to running yet, but a skimpy thin white dress with a black thong beneath, keeps me moving at a rapid pace as I keep up and can’t help but see the wet teeshirt effect reveal more and more. Good quality street entertainment, none of your boring black bin liners. Thank the FSM for a liberated society.

Somewhat wet and bedraggled we stop for a leisurely lunch. Apfel Strudel for Frau Edwards and a Lowenbrau for me. Yes I know it’s a sin. Yes I know it breaks the 2nd law of retirement – no drinking before 17:00. But I’m not driving today and it would have been a sin to pass up on a golden opportunity for one of my Reinheiatsgebot favourites.

Heidelbergs a lovely old town. Clean and pleasant to just stroll around, you feel safe. Infestered with us dam tourists. Quite a few inverted black bin liners shuffling around with all the accoutrements of modern living such as iPhones, flashy handbags, jewellery, trendy shoes and the wow the occasional glimpse of an ankle. Not quite up to Blackburn standards, yet. Also quite a few street beggars.

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Well it’s a choice today between a 90 minute drive up to Frankfurt or a 30 minute drive up to Mannheim. We decide on exploring Mannheim. Frankfurt sounds to big.

We avoid the Autobahns in an attempt to see more of Germany and less of my rear view mirror. Frau Edwards get excited when we come across a Lidl. We have to stop and explore. Consensus of opinion from my merchandising consultant is that Lidl is far superior to Aldi, unlike in England where it is vice versa.

Drive into he centre of Mannheim. It’s like driving through a never ending rabbit hole with Donner Kebab joints on either side. Mannheim doesn’t impress, a modern’ish town infestered with guest arbiters, we keep on driving and give it a miss. Thankfully we didn’t do the two hour each way boat tour to Mannheim.

Stop off in Heidelberg new town and have a wander around.

Then back down the high street to the old town for lunch, alas no Lowenbrau today. We’ve no merchandising mission today other than Frau Edwards wanting a piece of quiche she saw in a deli at the far end of town. Oh well all good exercise.

Has anyone noticed that all German car parks seem to be designed to wreck your alloy wheels, twists and turns down curb lined isles that you’ve no chance of negotiating without hitting them.

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Well today we set off to explore the castle. Alas found it a nightmare to park and Frau Edwards was concerned that there were too many steps for her dodgy knee. Abandoned that idea and drove up to the top of the mountain for morning coffee.

Plan 2 was to walk across the famous bridge and into Heidelberg for lunch. Again abandoned due to parking problems. Whatever happened to the joys of motoring. These days it’s just a nightmare trying to park. Now if we had our bikes then there’d be no problem with great cycling facilities around the town. But like cyclists the World over they seem to feel that traffic lights don’t apply to them. Then there’s the problem of them sneaking up behind you, no bell, just suddenly sweep past. One step out of line and you’re pavement pate. But I’ve one of two solutions:

1 The humane and romantic option – walk down the pavement holding hands with Frau Edwards, spread out across the whole pavement. Then they have to use their bell.

2 The permanent fix option – as you see their shadow sweeping up then execute a sharp right hand signal with your hand flat out, karate style, and let it make contact with the oncoming larynx. Oh so sorry we didn’t see you. They’ll never do it again.

What is it with this obsession that some so called men have with Harem Trousers. Are there that many eunuchs in Germany? I suppose it’s a marginal improvement on wandering around with your trousers around your knees showing off your gaudy skid stained underwear, but thankfully our kids have passed on these fashions.

Home for lunch.

Then walk into town for a chance to walk across the famous old Heidelberg Bridge.

Another stroll around town and stop for a Paulaner – one of Germanys finest beers. Yes, forgive me FSM for I have sinned yet again. Drinking before 17:00 but it would have been a sin to pass up on such a fine beer.

At last a Babel Fish, automatic translation, without having to stuff a wriggling fish in my ear. Why bother to learn a language, apart from keeping Alzheimers at bay, when you have awesome technology like the Google translate app. Type, speak or even photograph text with your camera and hey presto instant translation. How awesome is that almost makes up for all the crap IT we suffer.

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Up early and say good bye to Heidelberg and we’re off down to Innsbruck.

Well crap a dead cat I’ve just discovered we need one of these vignette thingies to drive on Austrian motorways. So much for the EU, a €8.80 rip off. Hopefully we charge Austrians £17.60 to drive on our roads. Makes sense to me but I won’t be holding my breath.

It’s a 5 hour drive through the Fern Pass. Get the roof down and enjoy the drive. Beautiful scenery and gorgeous weather but not the fastest of roads, despite my €8.80 investment.

Arrive at our Ibis hotel smack in the centre of Innsbruck. Have a pleasant wander around the old town. Very picturesque with some awesome buildings.

Stop for a well deserved coffee and Darjeeling for Frau Edwards. But what does Johnny Foreigner know about making tea, served with cream as usual, Frau Edwards is tut tuting again.

Have dinner in a typical street cafe in the old town. The weather is awesome and we’re adapting well to this European street cafe culture.

What a tasty bit of crackling. No I’m not talking about the young waitress in leder hosen, I’m talking about real crackling on my pork, with pretzel dumplings and sauerkraut. It must be the last century since I had crackling. Whatever happened to it? Is it more EU nonsense? Or is it Islam? Proper Austrian food, but alas no kaiserschmarren or germknodel, so we’re off in search of it and another excellent beer.

Have yet another beer at another street cafe and do a bit of people watching. It’s a perfect spot for capturing the narcissists with their selfies, it’s like a magnet for them.

Well just getting into this German Sprachen after 50 years and tomorrow we say goodbye and hello Italy. Sadly I’ll be the typical Brit abroad, armed with my Google Translate and not speaking a word of Italian – what do you mean you don’t speak English. I’m confused enough with French and German.

Shuffle back to the hotel for Question Time and an early night.

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Trip Advisor Review – Our Ibis Innsbruck Hotel was good.

Handy underground car park which was ideal as the hotel was in the city centre. Great location for a walk around the old town.

Room was modern, clean, comfortable and all round ok. Sadly the bed would probably be described as firm. Typical German, like sleeping on a concrete floor. Wendy was disgusted that there were no drinks making facilities in the room or 24 hour tea and coffee in the lobby.

Wifi was a disgrace, with the usual password nonsense. Slower than a knackered donkey with two broken legs, but yet again you can pay extra for a faster response. Another money grabbing scheme. Fortunately you could use the electricity or taps without having to enter a password every time you used them or pay extra for a anything other than a dribble of water or a candle light from the light bulbs. Too kind. When will hotels get the message and treat wifi like an essential utility.

Breakfast was good and had an awesome waffle maker.

Set off for our drive to Padua, Italy. Awesome scenery as we drive through the Brenner Pass. Pity about the downpour and having to pay for a toll road.

Arrive at out Padova Hotel after a 4 hour drive and have a lazy afternoon to recover. At least there’s tea and coffee making facilities. Search for somewhere to eat but none of the local restaurants open until 19:00, a tad late for us geriatrics. Decide to eat in the hotel.

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