Saturday – sun and cloud but still oh so warm.
Lazy morning as usual.
Afternoon we set off to explore the rest of the Island on our bikes. Even have cycle helmets and one that fits me.
Manage to find the only hill on the Island, much to Wendy’s disgust. I wouldn’t mind it’s no bigger than a pimple on a tarts arse.
Come across these tortoise. Poor little buggers risk these 
roads to breed and lay their eggs. Perhaps those little breeders in the UK with 13 kids scrounging off taxpayers, might breed less if they had to cross a 5 lane motorway in the dark every time they get the urge to procreate. Would help calm their libido. Save us taxpayers a fortune.
Then you get these two male tortoise studs jousting for position and their harem of 72 virgins awaiting them over the hill.
Have to report 3 blades of grass too long; a small crack in a pavement; a weed in one of the manicured lawns to the local council.
As usual end up at Starbucks for my afternoon fix. Did you know that if you ask for a small coffee you get a 12oz cup. Well actually there’s a cheaper, smaller cup. Called a short, it’s only 8Oz, well hidden so you have to specifically ask for it. I know it’s un-American not to go for the 20Oz.
A good 4 hour bike ride. Lost about 4 gallons of sweat and we forgot our water – will Nat ever forgive me. Fitbit doesn’t seem to register cycling as activity. Perhaps I need to strap it to my leg or some other part of me.
With Britain becoming worse and worse by the day, I propose that we all seek asylum somewhere. I suggest Pakistan:
We could build a huge church in the middle of Islamabad that dominates the skyline, play loud pop music from the church steeple 5 times a day, set up chippys and shops on every corner, assault the locals who dare to come into “our” part of town, set up specialist 
shops selling pork products and non-halal meat, protest to the government that the name “Ramadan” is offensive to our religion, and ask that they make it more inclusive by changing it to “Starve Yourself Fest.”, wander around in skimpy clothes, insist on all signs to be in English, expect all schools to change their curriculum for us.
Poetry is absolutely lost on me. I really can’t understand why it’s even in the school curriculum. But this teenage Danish poet of muslim parents has dared to write some poetry which criticises the religion of peace. 
or his trouble he’s received 27 death threats so far. In addition to targeting hypocrisy, his poetry, he says, speaks to the problem of Muslims “exploiting the society they live in.” On free speech, Hassan says “Muslims love to take advantage of (it), and as soon as there is someone else saying something critical against them, they want to restrict it.” So in order to promote free speech, desensitise muslims and cock a snoot at that evil ideology that poses as a religion here’s a short extract of one of his poems.
“You don’t want pork meat,may Allah praise you for your eating habits, you want Friday prayer till the next Friday prayer,you want Ramadan till the next Ramadan, and between the Friday prayers and the Ramadans, you want to carry a knife in your pocket, you want to go and ask people if they have a problem, although the only problem is you.”
Sunday – hot and cloudy.
Wendy’s just bought the Sunday paper in off the drive – been lobbed there no doubt by some pimply youth on a chopper, an all American tradition. Of course as in all things American it just so much bigger, I won’t use the word better. There’s half a trees worth of useless bumph. 6” high stack of wasted newsprint / adverts. Read or even skim through all that and you end up as bored as a Taliban in the papal library. But one advert did catch my eye, a glossy full page on all the guns I can buy. A Smith & Wesson M&P15 assault rifle complete with 30 round magazine, instant death, destruction and fame for $699. Or what about Bond’s Beretta, complete with 2 High capacity magazines, all for a price so stunningly low it’s “Too low to advertise”.
After lunch we set off for our cultural overdose of the week in the local theatre. “Blame it on 
Beckett” is the play, in a tiny theatre with just 4 actors. Enjoyable, quaint, a comedy. Typical American audience, mainly women, even clap at the start and of course everyone is not just content with clapping at the end they have to give a standing ovation. It was ok, but a standing ovation, come on. Just the usual Lemming effect. I’m sure we’ll see the next advancement in one upmanship for audience appreciation to be standing on chairs and clapping.
After the show you get to meet the actors on the way out – “Oh darling, how absolutely marvellous”,”An awesome performance”, “you were magnificent”, blah, blah, blah.
Only in America … Could politicians talk about the greed of the rich at a $35,000.00 a plate campaign fund-raising event.
Only in America … Could people claim that the government still discriminates against black Americans when they have a black President, a black Attorney General and roughly 20% of the federal workforce is black while only 14% of the population is black. 40+% of all federal entitlements goes to black Americans – 3X the rate that goto whites, 5X the rate that go to Hispanics.
Only in America … Could they have had the two people most responsible for the tax code turn out to be tax cheats who are in favour of higher taxes.
Only in America … Can they have terrorists kill +4,000 people in the name of Allah and have the 
media primarily react by fretting that Muslims might be harmed by the backlash.
Only in America … Would they make people who want to legally become American citizens wait for years in their home countries and pay tens of thousands of dollars for the privilege, while they discuss letting anyone who sneaks into the country illegally just ‘magically’ become American citizens.
Good to know we’re not the only Country that suffers from a complete lack of common sense.
Wake up and understand that islam is at war with our way of life. Our values are based on democracy. Democracy implies equality. Yet equality is unacceptable in Islam. Un-believers cannot be equal to believers and women are not equal to men. The People of the Book (Jews and Christians) are accepted as second class citizens and allowed to live in an Islamic state provided they pay the protection tax; Jizyah. But the pagans, atheists and idolaters are not regarded as fully humans. According to the Quran, the 
idolaters are to be killed wherever they are found.” (9:5).
In the April 9, 2002 issue, The Wall Street Journal published the concept of blood money in Saudi Arabia. If a person has been killed or caused to die by another, the latter has to pay blood money or compensation, as follow.
100,000 riyals if the victim is a Muslim man,
50,000 riyals if a Muslim woman,
50,000 riyals if a Christian man,
25,000 riyals if a Christian woman,
6,666 riyals if a Hindu man,
3,333 riyals if a Hindu woman.
According to this a Muslim man’s life is worth 33 times that of a Hindu woman. This hierarchy is based on the Islamic definition of human rights and is rooted in the Quran and the Sharia. How can we talk of democracy when the concept of equality in Islam is nonexistent?
Wake up and smell the coffee before it’s too late. They want World domination.
Monday – hot and sunny.
Captain Pugwash and his deckhand Maggie Lafayette take HMSS Black Pig out for a cruise. Maggie Lafayette dons the latest in maritime safety wear. While still in dock she clings to anything and panics that the boats going to drift away with her in it.
Whatever happened to having some bikini clad eye candy decorating me focsle. Never mind I’ve got me fitbit on! Captain Pugwash shapes up like a dithering dogfish when it comes to steering. Takes some getting used to but at least on our return I’ve mastered the latency in the steering. Brave the open waters of the Gulf of Mexico and up the beach. Maggie Lafayette’s squawking like a constipated seagull, too fast; too bumpy; too far out; too wet; too deep. She survives. Then do a tour down the canals as we drool at the luxury mansions and 
their boats.
Requiem for a frog. Yes we’ve found the frog in the car. Yes he’s very desiccated. Yes he’s very dead. At least he didn’t stink the car out but now the cars haunted by the sole of a tiny frog. Poor thing.
We go down to the residents private beach, complete with USA flag waving chairs and Kindles.Very swish, no riff raff allowed. It’s hotter than two hampsters farting in a wool sock. After a brief paddle and an hour melting into a puddle we give up and go for a coffee. Yes, you guessed it – Starbucks.
Well kipper me capstans if we haven’t missed Bingo at the synagog complete with free hot dog – strictly kosher I hope.
Shopping for a SIM only deal for my iPhone ready for our year living in Park City. Th’art nor ‘avvin’ me on a butty. “No you can’t get a 3G service on the iPhone it’s 4G only” – so why does my iPhone keep showing 3G when I’m in the UK? “Ah it’s illegal to have an unlocked mobile.” What bullshit they try to feed us, must think we came over in the famous transatlantic tunnel.
Only in America … Could the people who believe in balancing the budget and sticking by the country’s Constitution be thought of as”extremists.”
Only in America … Do they make sick people walk to the back of the strode for their prescriptions, whilst selling cigarettes at the front.
Only in America … Could you need to present a driver’s license to cash a check or buy alcohol, but not to vote.
Only in America … Could people demand the government investigate whether oil companies are gouging the public because the price of gas went up when the return on equity invested in a major U.S. Oil company is less than half of a company making tennis shoes(Nike).
Only in America … Could the government collect more tax dollars from the people than any nation in recorded history, still spend aTrillion dollars more than it has per year – for total spending of $7Million PER MINUTE, and complain that it doesn’t have nearly enoughmoney.
Only in America … Could the rich people – who pay 86% of all income taxes – be accused of not paying their “fair share” by people who don’t pay any income taxes at all.
US and UK taxpayers fund the Palestinian Authority, which in turn funds prisoners in Israeli jails.
Here’s how the system works. When a Palestinian is convicted of an act of terror against the Israeli government or innocent civilians, such as a bombing or a murder, that convicted terrorist automatically receives a generous salary from the Palestinian Authority. The salary is specified by the Palestinian “law of the prisoner” and administered by the PA’s Ministry of Prisoner Affairs.
Now if that isn’t pots for rags I don’t know what is. This is money we don’t have! Nuttier than a Squirrel turd and makes me madder than a eunuch at an orgy. HEADS SHOULD ROLL.
New law – all foreign aid should be stopped immediately, unless the politicians are prepared to pay for it out of their own pockets. Charity begins at home.
Tuesday – sunny and very hot 93F or 34C if you prefer.
Off on a bike ride to one of the best Florida Birding Trail sites at Tiger Tail beach. Have a 30 minute stroll but it’s hotter than the hinges of hell. Wendy’s whining like a stuck alternator so we abandon and have lunch in the shade with the sweat dripping onto our lunch. Fortunately we’ve remembered water.
Then it’s a Starbucks to unwind. Noticed that like most Starbucks it’s an Apple only zone. I’ve also noticed that the Island seems to be an Android free zone.
Wendy is rapidly rejuvenated at the prospect of some shopping.
Get back for afternoon tea and studying American Politics. All those Amendments and a fine written constitution yet the country still has all the problems we suffer.
Now I’m not a great fan of American TV. A classic case of quantity not quality. But they do 
produce some good series and they have Piers Morgan on CNN every night (the NRA’s not managed to toss him out the country yet, although I do believe they’ve issued a fatwas against him) and there’s Real Time with Bill Maher. He’s a comedian / atheist / political commentator, great show. Really like it. A bit sad tonight though to hear his comment on snooping on Europe. Seems it’s ok because the US has been protecting us and doing our dirty work in the World since the 2nd World War and we’ve not paid the premiums. Not to forget I suppose that they won the 2nd World War single handedly. Sad but I suppose that’s how Americans see it with their inflated self macho gun slinging ego. I’d like to think that the UK was excluded from that, after all the times our troops have been in there with them, but who knows.
Some more PC Terms:
Jungle – Replaced by Rainforest. A Rainforest is a happy place where Disney characters dance and sing … a jungle is a scary place with lions, tigers, malaria and natives that want to cut off your head and boil it for dinner… who in their right mind would want to save that!?!
Lumberjack – Replaced by Murderer.
Man’s Job and Woman’s Work – Replaced by Traditional Gender Role. These are basic practices that are followed in one form or another by most of the life forms on this planet, and have been part of human culture for thousands of years… and as with most other ‘traditions’, a lot of people believe that it is time for a change.
Midget – Replaced by Vertically Challenged.
Natural Disaster – replaced by Unnatural Event caused by man’s destruction of the environment. Every hurricane, mudslide, and flood sould be blamed on Global Warming, even though these events have been occurring for millions of years. (I’m still waiting for somebody to blame the last Ice Age on the campfires of cavemen)
Lets summarise todays loony blood boiling news:
We have a Chief Constable who thinks that “The police and the public should be more tolerant of
antisocial behaviour because much of it amounts to boisterous growing up”. With 2.2 million cases of anti-social behaviour last year does she not think there is a serious problem in this country. Todays yobs are tomorrows scrots and criminals. Zero tolerance is needed. What can you expect from a female Chief Constable – sack her.
There’s a crazy scheme to give mothers £200 shopping vouchers if they breast feed. That’ll be just another mad incentive to breed like rabbits, live off the state and about as useful as suckin’ on a titty through a sweatshirt!
Oh and of course not to forget the spectre of boatloads of immigrants from Romania and Bulgaria arriving January 1st to claim their FREE housing, FREE benefit and anything else we are prepared to dole out.
New law – anybody whose conduct is “seriously prejudical to the interests of the UK”, such as terrorists etc. should not only have their passport burnt but also have their ass kicked out of the country, along with their family. Why do we tolerate these scrots.
So let’s see if I’ve got this right 70+ Christians slaughtered in Pakistan; 120+ slaughtered in Nairobi; 50+ students slaughtered in their sleep in Pakistan. And the common factor is? Well in case you hadn’t guessed it’s the religion of peace’s extremist. But of course as our politicians point out this is nothing to do with Islam – bullshit. What planet do they live on.